Author's Notes: Ok… warnings. There are many mature and dramatic situations in this chapter. I only hope I have done some justice to the topic. There were many wonderful reviews, but one caught my attention. The reviewer mentioned they disliked the content about cheating. I agree with this COMPLETELY! I don't think there's anything more sacred than marriage when it is in the spirit of love and that bond must be treated as sacred at all times. I believe the characters display this sentiment and I'm pleased with the message I'm trying to display.
The low down: Let me say… researching this chapter wasn't the happiest of things. And just writing it was extremely hard. I've had a very good friend experience this…Oh… and Miroku's line at the end of the first time jump…. Attribute that to Mark Twain.
Love and Marriage
Chapter 5:
Rock-A-Bye
"Inuyasha," Kikyo's voice came from behind and whispered in his ear.
He turned to her and was surprised as she pressed herself against him and kissed him gently.
"I have something to tell you." She whispered in a sultry voice.
***
12:00 PM
"Lunch!"
A brown paper bag with a discolored bottom plopped down on the desk. Inuyasha turned his nose up from the smell of grease. He suddenly remembered why he never let Miroku choose a restaurant as pulled his report folders out from under the unappetizing parcel.
"I can almost feel arteries clog now…" Inuyasha sneered at his lunch.
"Hey, you only live once, and it's short." Miroku plopped down in front of him. "Might as well live fat and happy." He smirked and propped his feet up in Inuyasha's desk.
"Oh! Now this is interesting…" Miroku grinned bigger and pulled a baby blue book from under his shoes. "The Big Book of Baby Names… cute."
Inuyasha couldn't stop his own grin from coming out. That grin had been getting bigger and bigger every day for quite a while. Kikyo was three months along. The night she told him, he was blown away. But the smile quickly overcame his shocked expression and hadn't left.
In fact, he had focused on nothing but the baby for several weeks and thought constantly of fulfilling the void in his life. He could concentrate completely on the child and forget the past. He could finally give all his loyalty to his family as he had promised, but with his whole heart. Keeping away from Kagome wouldn't have to be so difficult. It had become even more so day by day.
"Maybe we could get Kagome to do the baby shower." Miroku laughed. It didn't escape his attention that Inuyasha didn't join in on his joke. The comfort in the room vanished like air from a balloon.
"You know," Miroku said, "she's quite a girl… that Kagome…" If he pushed this much farther, Inuyasha just might start squirming. "She and Sango have become quite close."
"So, what's your point?" Inuyasha asked not liking the direction his little lunch time socializing was taking.
"Well, I mentioned something along the lines of her relationship to Kouga which Sango felt the need to correct…"
"She slapped the crap out of you, huh?" Inuyasha smirked.
"Not the point!" Miroku snapped. "Anyway, she corrected that sympathy was needed with Miss Kagome. Apparently she hasn't had the greatest experiences with men in the past."
Inuyasha couldn't help feeling rather affronted. The scowl wasn't unnoticed.
"It took some prying, but I got the barest of elaboration to that statement… and I couldn't help notice some similarities to a situation you told me about… a long time ago."
They were watching each other intensely. Calculating each others thoughts. Sizing the other up. Miroku, however, had the upper hand in this.
"I couldn't help thinking, Inuyasha, just how familiar her name sounded… Kagome." Miroku said, "I never could think of how, though… until recently."
"It's a pretty common name." Inuyasha offered dryly. "Crystal… Kimberly… Kagome… you meet ten whenever you walk in a room."
"I've never met another Kagome."
"Well you're generally more interested in other parts of a woman than her name." Inuyasha smiled.
"Look!" Miroku gave an aggravated sigh and slapped down hard on the desk, "Just drop the act and be straight with me. Yes or no: Was Kagome the girl?"
Inuyasha hesitated a moment before looking away.
"Yes."
"I see…" Miroku rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "So I guess that's why you were such an ass that night at Sango's launch?"
Miroku had learned long ago that to some questions, a threatening growl was as close to an affirmation as he was ever going to get.
"Well damn…" Miroku says thoughtfully and smiled. "At least you know her last name now." Despite his humor, Miroku hadn't said all he needed. It wouldn't be a pleasant conversation and he wasn't all that anxious to have it. But, if he was going for uncomfortable, yet true subjects, he decided he might as well go for the gold.
"You know, this doesn't just make it all go away, Inuyasha." Miroku said softly. "This baby, I mean…"
Inuyasha snapped his head up with a violent and hateful glare. "Look!" he shot to his feet and pounded the desk. "Where do you get the nerve?! Do you think I haven't had enough guilt that I need a sermon from you? Well get this through your head, because I fucking don't. It's not your damn business, Miroku!"
Through the tirade, Miroku kept a stoic face and opted simply to observe his friend pace around his office and huffily commit himself to looking out the window down at the street. 'Oh yes… pouting is always productive,' he thought. 'And that glare and arm cross combo just never gets old…' He knew he was touching on the most volatile of possible subjects, but Inuyasha wasn't facing reality. If he thought he could just lie to himself and expect to just forget about the woman assaulting his soul for so long by becoming a father, he was just setting himself up for another disappointment. But it was bigger this time. Miroku couldn't let him pretend everything would be fine and hurt himself, Kikyo, and an innocent child because Inuyasha wanted to be in denial. He couldn't stop himself from speaking up this time.
But he couldn't help being sympathetic either. "It's hard, isn't it?" He said quietly to Inuyasha's back. "Being torn…"
He sighed and sagged his shoulders in defeat. "It's like I'm being drug into hell."
Inuyasha shook his head sadly and risked a glance over his shoulder to see what reproving look he was getting. He was surprised, however, to see Miroku nodding in thought with eyes closed and arms crossed over chest.
"How did my life get so insane?" Inuyasha asked.
"Because life isn't a fairy tale." Miroku said with confidence. "After all, of course we should expect that reality would be stranger than fiction. Fiction at least has to make sense."
2:00 AM
Something was wrong.
Inuyasha pulled himself up on his arms and rubbed his eyes sleepily. His sleep had become uneasy suddenly but he was already forgetting whatever haunting dream had shaken him awake. It would be silly to worry over some silly dream, but still… He couldn't shake the feeling.
He was alone.
It was colder he noticed and found that the blankets had been thrown to the side haphazardly. The other side of the bed was empty. "Kikyo?" he said softly in the dark room.
It was quiet. No movement anywhere in the bedroom, but there was something. It was soft… subdued…
He sat up in bed and looked through the darkness for any sign of his wife, but found none. Just an empty bed and a soft noise he wasn't sure if he even heard. He noticed though, the door was ajar.
Something was wrong.
"Kikyo?" he said a little louder and pulled the covers away. There was a disturbing pull at his heart.
He walked out into the hall, searching and listening. It was faint…
"Kikyo?"
He moved faster as that fearful pulling tugged at him insistently. Why wouldn't she answer him? He was sure he heard something now and he was getting closer. It was getting louder… crying?
He was running now. She was close and more than just crying. He could hear a choking, drowning kind of sob and he was terrified. He came to the hall bathroom with the door ajar and the sobbing just inside. Why the hall? Why so far away? Why?!
"Kikyo?! What's going…" He flung the door open and his heart came up into his throat. Kikyo was trembling… sobbing… bleeding.
"Wha… what's wrong?! The… the… ba… I don't know… don't know… what to…" she was choked out her words, almost shrieking. She shook violently and looked at him in such horror. He had rushed her into his arms and ran from the room.
"It's wrong!" Kikyo cried out hysterically. "Can't… be this way… Can't stop the bleeding…"
Even if she could, it was too late.
5:00 AM
"Sir…" a hand came softly to his shoulder and Inuyasha looked up into a compassionate old face behind a large rimmed pair of bifocals. The doctor looked down into his eyes with sympathy magnified in his lenses.
Sympathy was bad.
"Sir, I'm very sorry to have to tell you this." The doctor spoke in a calm, even voice as Inuyasha's mind screamed incoherent terrors. "Your wife has had a miscarriage."
The world came to an end right then and there.
"H--" Inuyasha found his mouth was completely dry. An emptiness filled him from his toes to his ears. It was so soon. He hadn't even had time to really hold on to the joy-he had just found out he was going to be a father! It couldn't just be taken away now. "H-How? Why?" he choked out.
The older man sighed. This of course as horrible for the grieving father, but of course he would want to understand. "It is something known as an ectopic pregnancy." He stepped back to watch the young man as he struggled to keep control of his emotions. "The baby began growing in the fallopian tube rather than in the womb."
"Is she alright?" he couldn't bring any strength to his voice. "Kikyo… is she alright?"
"She's suffering from the loss." He was completely solemn and Inuyasha nodded. He had this much pain, yet it must not even compare to the loss she must have been experiencing. What could he do? Would he be able to help her through this and take care of his own heart? "She's in no danger," the doctor continued, "however…"
Inuyasha jerked his eyes up to meet those of the older man.
"I have to tell you, it is unlikely that your wife will ever be capable of carrying a pregnancy to term."
And then the universe collapsed on itself.
"We'll never have children?"
"There's very little hope." The doctor gave Inuyasha's shoulder a squeeze. "I'm very sorry."
"Take me to her." He shrugged the hand away and stood.
Kikyo lay on her side in the dim light and didn't bother to wipe the tears away. The salt from them burned her skin, but she didn't dry her eyes, not even against the pillow already collecting the tears as they fell. It didn't matter… nothing mattered any more. Kikyo was a beaten soul; no more hope to give her strength. Hope didn't exist, but was just a cruel invention to keep the foolish from learning the truth.
And here, alone in a hospital bed with her clean white linen sheets drenched in tears, Kikyo was having her hardest lesson. With a dull, throbbing, aching pain as if her soul was being pulled and torn like a pack of wolves fighting over a piece of meat, she knew she would never have the life she wanted. She wanted only to live happily, in piece with those she loved, caring for those she cared for, and simply enjoying the simple gift of life. But apparently this is was too much for her to ask for. She should have known better.
She heard the door click and creak open behind her and she flinched. Of course he would come to her… to take care of her… to be strong for her.
A spark of anger light inside her.
"Kikyo?" a faint whisper came from behind her. For all his promises and comfort, all she ever wanted from him was love. She couldn't have it from him, not even the part of him that would make up their child. She had been denied it all, and she was angry.
"Go away, Inuyasha…" she whispered bitterly.
"Kikyo, I…" he knelt down beside the bed but she refused to look at him. "I'm so sorry." He placed his hand on top of hers.
"DON'T!" She jerked away with a shout. "Don't touch me!" Fire was burning inside her as she looked at him. She had loved him so long; this anger was so strange. How does love turn into hate?
"Kikyo, please?!" He backed away a little. "Let me help you. Please!"
"Just go away…" she whispered once. She couldn't look at him any more! Couldn't stand that pitying look in his eyes. "GET OUT!" she screamed.
"GET OUT! GET AWAY FROM ME! GO AWAY!"
Kikyo was working her way into hysteria. Inuyasha had no idea what to do, but he didn't have to wonder long. The chaos apparently could be heard all through the hall because in moments, several nurses rushed into the room. Kikyo was still screaming at him to get out.
"Sir." He turned and found the doctor at the door. "The grief is too much for her right now. It would be better for her if you leave. She needs to remain calm."
"But…" he started.
"GET OUT!" Kikyo screamed as nurses tried to calm her.
"Sir please." The doctor urged.
Inuyasha watched as the nurses ran out of options and inserted a syringe into her IV. Kikyo relaxed slowly and stopped thrashing. "Get out… Inuyasha…" she muttered as the sedative worked its way through her blood. "Get… out… Inu…" She dropped to sleep.
"Sir." The doctor insisted. "it would be best if you leave her alone for now."
It was all he could take, and finally his will broke. Inuyasha clenched his fists hard and his face twisted in frustration. He turned sharply and glared at the doctor before heading back to the door. He growled out his response, "Fine."
She wanted him to leave. Fine. The doctors wanted him to leave. Sure.
He was just causing all the problems wasn't he? Stupid Inuyasha screwing up everyone's life once again! He gave a frustrated sigh and increased his pace.
Thump-thump-thump
Just couldn't do anything right could he? Couldn't comfort his wife! Couldn't do anything to help her or else just didn't do anything fast enough!
THUMP-THUMP-THUMP
Was someone punishing him for something? He thought of everything that had hurt Kikyo and how he couldn't stop it or had caused it. Was he being tortured for the pain he caused her? He could understand, but hadn't that what he had been experiencing for the last five years? What about every night where the guilt ate at his heart, digging a throbbing hole in his soul, huh?! That hadn't exactly been fun! He had tried so hard to make it right, but that guilt never went away, and now he was being punished on top of all that!
Too much…
THUMP-THUMP-CRASH!
A rolling cart of hospital food became the object of his wrath as, with a body as tense as steel cables, Inuyasha swung and sent the metal and dishes flying across the hall. With the backlash of the swing, he flung himself to the other side of the hall and pounded against the wall.
"WHY?!" he threw his arms up and screamed. "WHAT DID I DO?!"
The air felt thick in his lungs. It seemed to collect in his throat, slowly choking the life from his body. His head was pounding with his straining heart and every torturing thump blurred his vision more. The aguish washed over him in waves, growing and growing with every aching second. Never ebbing, the pressure was becoming too much for his shattered heart.
"I TRIED!" he slammed his fists against the wall. He was screaming without regard and without notice for the frightened nurses and orderlies. They were scattering quickly to give him space. Patients often resorted to emotional outbursts in moments of intense loss, but seldom were they as intimidating as the raging man thrashing about in the hall.
"What more am I supposed to do?!" he cried as his fists echoed each word, but growing less violent. His shoulders slumped and he stopped fighting.
He didn't want to fight anymore. What good would it do him anyway?
"I tried so hard…" he muttered into the wall, leaning against his arms still braced against the cracking plaster.
So hard… Every minute, every second, of every day he thought about the promise he made to Kikyo. He had tried to keep it-tried everything he could think. He stayed away. He put Kagome behind him. He denied his heart what it screamed for him to take. No one could accuse him of not trying!
But what do you do when trying isn't good enough?
"I give up." He muttered and pushed himself away from the wall. He ran down the hall to waiting area and through the door. He didn't stop in the hospital parking lot. He didn't stop at the street corner. Thunder clouds loomed over head and the night air was still and warm. Inuyasha didn't notice any of it and he didn't stop. He never stopped running. He just stopped fighting. It just didn't seem to do any good.
Inuyasha had stopped trying.
6:00 AM
Kagome woke with a start. It was raining hard and she could hear thunder rumbling. But thunder hadn't woken her… she could hear her buzzer in the other room, but who on earth would visit so early?
'Whoever it is, they're insistent.' She thought as she shrugged on a robe and went to her intercom.
"Kagome?!" came an urgent voice.
"Inuyasha?!" She gasped and subconsciously pulled her robe tighter. "What's wrong? How long have you been buzzing me?"
"Kagome, please… I have to talk to you. Please let me up…"
There was something so desperate in his voice that she didn't dare refuse. Worry gripped her as she quickly buzzed him in and ran to unlock her door. She barely turned the latch before the knob flung back and Inuyasha rushed in. He pulled her into an embrace too quickly for her to even ask what was wrong.
"How did it go so wrong?" He whispered with such desperation she didn't know how to respond. "What did I do that made everything in my life turn out so horribly?" He pulled her into him even tighter and breathed her in. He crushed her into his chest like he was holding on to his last thread of life. "This… This is the only thing that feels right."
"Inuyasha…" she whispered quickly but he didn't let her get any further.
"I knew it then! I knew it that first night when I had a chance to change it all. I should have acted on it then and it all would have been so much better. But I didn't believe it. I was afraid."
He ran his fingers through her hair, and let them slide over her cheek and down her shoulder. He traced her arm with his finger tips all the way down to her hand and covered it with his own. Her heart was thumping in her ears staring into his questioning eyes. His thumb stroked from between her wrist and fingers softly and he cupped her cheek with the free hand. He let his fingers slide along the sensitive spot behind her ear, making her face fall into his hand and her eyes close with a soft sigh. He cupped her cheek and gently brought her face closer, watching her the entire time for any sign of resistance. But her eyes were closed, keeping any fear they might have held a secret and all he could see was a longing to match his own.
'Please just let me.' He thought and brushed his lips against hers. She sharply took in her breath and he pulled back only slightly to observe her.
Kagome glanced up at him through half lidded eyes and gave him a smile. She truly did want him with as much passion and desperation as she found in those beautiful amber eyes. It may have been sinful, but the weakness in her could not resist the longing caused by the man she loved holding her and kissing her as she had wished with such fire he might someday do again. She was only human, and the woman in her needed him. So she closed her eyes and nuzzled into his hand, indulging her weakness in the caress.
That was all the encouragement Inuyasha needed. 'This is right.' His mind screamed and he kissed her again, much deeper this time. The intensity of it caught her breath and she couldn't bring her body to respond at first, but he didn't stop. He pulled her body flush against his own and circled his arms around her back, trapping her there as if something would come from behind and steal her away. Gradually, Kagome regained her senses enough to move her lips along with his and wrap her arms around his back and shoulders.
Their tongues were playing together like old friends reunited after being too long apart. They would touch tips gently or run along each others' sides, as they reacquainted themselves, remembering the feel of each other. He pushed their forms down on the cushions, putting her between the back of the couch and his body. He wanted to remember more of her.
He tangled her legs with his own so that she straddled his upper leg and pulled her even closer to his chest and tightened his arms around her back. He remembered this and brought his leg higher, pressing against her junction through her pajama bottoms and felt her entire body tense as he rubbed against her. Yes, it was exactly the same reaction. He wondered if she still made those fluttering moans as he kissed his way down her chin, neck and chest. Yes! The exact same noise he had only dreamed for years. Did her muscles still dance under her skin? He pushed his hands through the folds of her robe and up beneath her shirt and traced down her ribs and waist and delighted in the way they shivered against him. Yes, it was all like he remembered-like he had imagined ever since their first night. 'This is right.' He thought again.
He knew what he wanted now. He wanted to hear that moan. He wanted to see if she would still unleash that passion from that one place he discovered. He wondered if anyone else had ever found it, but hoped not. He wanted that passion's release to be a power he alone would be able to grant her. He had to find out… had to hear it again. He gripped her small waist to hold her still and brought his fingers around to her back, dipping under the waist of her pants. He followed the curves of her body to the dip above just above the seam of her underwear. He would take care of those after he got the sound he wanted. He pressed into the spot firmly and Kagome's blissful sigh entered him through his kiss. It was even more powerful than he remembered and her cry tickled his lips. She clutched him and ground her hips to him with a ferocity he had never seen. No one else must have found the spot he guessed and smirked against her mouth. No one had caused her that joy since he had first shown it to her.
Nothing would hinder them any more.
"no…"
Nothing would come between them any more.
"no."
He didn't care what happened. He wouldn't let the anything in the universe stop what they finally had the opportunity to have. The future didn't matter any longer. Nothing but the girl he held against him mattered.
"No."
It wasn't going to work. As long as he just kept kissing her, they were the only two people in the world. He didn't have to listen to the thoughts telling him 'no.' He could ignore them for all eternity if he wanted to. Not his conscience, not anything in all the realms of the sadistic universe would stop him now.
"Inuyasha, NO!" she screamed and pushed him away frantically.
Kagome would.
"Inuyasha we can't. Please… we can't. This is wrong… this is just wrong. You're married!" she panted out and started to cry. "It's wrong, Inuyasha. You have to understand… I won't be the other woman. I can't… I just can't. Please…"
She sat them both up with tears rolling freely down her face. She pushed his arms away from her and wouldn't allow his comfort.
"Kagome, I…" He didn't know what to say now. Was there even anything he could do?
"Just go." She whispered between sobs.
"Kagome…" he tried to wipe a tear from her cheek but she recoiled as if the touch burned her.
"Go." She commanded. "Go home to your wife."
He stood slowly, watching her crumple down in tears. He felt the dull ache in his chest, like the whole thing would just cave in. Was this some new form of guilt that was about a hundred times more powerful? Or was this just the heartbreak he had heard so many people talk about. He always thought they were just being stupid about it… Live and learn. He walked backwards to her door, never taking his eyes off her crying figure. He hated to watch her like that, but he deserved the pain it caused in his heart for all the pain he had just brought to her. He backed out of her door into the hall.
"I'm sorry." he whispered. "Of course you're right. Thank you-for stopping. She's suffered already, and I couldn't forgive myself if I betrayed her, but I'm sorry for being so selfish. Being with you makes me happy and it's all I want in the world, but I know I can't have that. I made a promise. Thank you for helping me keep it."
She stared at him from across the room and nodded. He began to close the door, blocking them from each other. "She hasn't done anything wrong." He whispered before it clicked shut.
He turned quickly and marched down the stairs, back out the front door of the complex, and out in rain. There was nothing else to it.
Inside, Kagome forced herself to her feet and stumbled to the door. She wanted more than anything to just throw it open and call him back. To take him in her arms and never leg go again. She gripped the door knob in a shaky hand. It would be so easy.
She locked the door and walked away to her bedroom.
She buried her head into a pillow and sobbed pathetically, the dull aching sobs that feel like your chest will rip open if you don't stop but you don't care if it does or not. She didn't know how long she cried like that but the next thing she knew the sun was peeking through her window.
One thing was clear…
'I can't stay here. I don't want to any more.' It wouldn't be too hard… Sango was still looking for a lease, with two weeks notice it wouldn't be a problem being set up with another job, she wasn't that attached to the city to stay, and for that matter, not too attached to another man in said city to stay. She wouldn't even miss the ring… princess cut never was her favorite setting.
"Hi… yes… I need a flight to Tokyo…" She forced her voice to be calm and wiped a tear away. "One way… two weeks please… for Kagome Higurashi."
***
If she'd give me one good reason, I'd be gone.
She ain't done, one thing wrong
***
Next Chapter: Does He Love You
The low down: Let me say… researching this chapter wasn't the happiest of things. And just writing it was extremely hard. I've had a very good friend experience this…Oh… and Miroku's line at the end of the first time jump…. Attribute that to Mark Twain.
Love and Marriage
Chapter 5:
Rock-A-Bye
"Inuyasha," Kikyo's voice came from behind and whispered in his ear.
He turned to her and was surprised as she pressed herself against him and kissed him gently.
"I have something to tell you." She whispered in a sultry voice.
***
12:00 PM
"Lunch!"
A brown paper bag with a discolored bottom plopped down on the desk. Inuyasha turned his nose up from the smell of grease. He suddenly remembered why he never let Miroku choose a restaurant as pulled his report folders out from under the unappetizing parcel.
"I can almost feel arteries clog now…" Inuyasha sneered at his lunch.
"Hey, you only live once, and it's short." Miroku plopped down in front of him. "Might as well live fat and happy." He smirked and propped his feet up in Inuyasha's desk.
"Oh! Now this is interesting…" Miroku grinned bigger and pulled a baby blue book from under his shoes. "The Big Book of Baby Names… cute."
Inuyasha couldn't stop his own grin from coming out. That grin had been getting bigger and bigger every day for quite a while. Kikyo was three months along. The night she told him, he was blown away. But the smile quickly overcame his shocked expression and hadn't left.
In fact, he had focused on nothing but the baby for several weeks and thought constantly of fulfilling the void in his life. He could concentrate completely on the child and forget the past. He could finally give all his loyalty to his family as he had promised, but with his whole heart. Keeping away from Kagome wouldn't have to be so difficult. It had become even more so day by day.
"Maybe we could get Kagome to do the baby shower." Miroku laughed. It didn't escape his attention that Inuyasha didn't join in on his joke. The comfort in the room vanished like air from a balloon.
"You know," Miroku said, "she's quite a girl… that Kagome…" If he pushed this much farther, Inuyasha just might start squirming. "She and Sango have become quite close."
"So, what's your point?" Inuyasha asked not liking the direction his little lunch time socializing was taking.
"Well, I mentioned something along the lines of her relationship to Kouga which Sango felt the need to correct…"
"She slapped the crap out of you, huh?" Inuyasha smirked.
"Not the point!" Miroku snapped. "Anyway, she corrected that sympathy was needed with Miss Kagome. Apparently she hasn't had the greatest experiences with men in the past."
Inuyasha couldn't help feeling rather affronted. The scowl wasn't unnoticed.
"It took some prying, but I got the barest of elaboration to that statement… and I couldn't help notice some similarities to a situation you told me about… a long time ago."
They were watching each other intensely. Calculating each others thoughts. Sizing the other up. Miroku, however, had the upper hand in this.
"I couldn't help thinking, Inuyasha, just how familiar her name sounded… Kagome." Miroku said, "I never could think of how, though… until recently."
"It's a pretty common name." Inuyasha offered dryly. "Crystal… Kimberly… Kagome… you meet ten whenever you walk in a room."
"I've never met another Kagome."
"Well you're generally more interested in other parts of a woman than her name." Inuyasha smiled.
"Look!" Miroku gave an aggravated sigh and slapped down hard on the desk, "Just drop the act and be straight with me. Yes or no: Was Kagome the girl?"
Inuyasha hesitated a moment before looking away.
"Yes."
"I see…" Miroku rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "So I guess that's why you were such an ass that night at Sango's launch?"
Miroku had learned long ago that to some questions, a threatening growl was as close to an affirmation as he was ever going to get.
"Well damn…" Miroku says thoughtfully and smiled. "At least you know her last name now." Despite his humor, Miroku hadn't said all he needed. It wouldn't be a pleasant conversation and he wasn't all that anxious to have it. But, if he was going for uncomfortable, yet true subjects, he decided he might as well go for the gold.
"You know, this doesn't just make it all go away, Inuyasha." Miroku said softly. "This baby, I mean…"
Inuyasha snapped his head up with a violent and hateful glare. "Look!" he shot to his feet and pounded the desk. "Where do you get the nerve?! Do you think I haven't had enough guilt that I need a sermon from you? Well get this through your head, because I fucking don't. It's not your damn business, Miroku!"
Through the tirade, Miroku kept a stoic face and opted simply to observe his friend pace around his office and huffily commit himself to looking out the window down at the street. 'Oh yes… pouting is always productive,' he thought. 'And that glare and arm cross combo just never gets old…' He knew he was touching on the most volatile of possible subjects, but Inuyasha wasn't facing reality. If he thought he could just lie to himself and expect to just forget about the woman assaulting his soul for so long by becoming a father, he was just setting himself up for another disappointment. But it was bigger this time. Miroku couldn't let him pretend everything would be fine and hurt himself, Kikyo, and an innocent child because Inuyasha wanted to be in denial. He couldn't stop himself from speaking up this time.
But he couldn't help being sympathetic either. "It's hard, isn't it?" He said quietly to Inuyasha's back. "Being torn…"
He sighed and sagged his shoulders in defeat. "It's like I'm being drug into hell."
Inuyasha shook his head sadly and risked a glance over his shoulder to see what reproving look he was getting. He was surprised, however, to see Miroku nodding in thought with eyes closed and arms crossed over chest.
"How did my life get so insane?" Inuyasha asked.
"Because life isn't a fairy tale." Miroku said with confidence. "After all, of course we should expect that reality would be stranger than fiction. Fiction at least has to make sense."
2:00 AM
Something was wrong.
Inuyasha pulled himself up on his arms and rubbed his eyes sleepily. His sleep had become uneasy suddenly but he was already forgetting whatever haunting dream had shaken him awake. It would be silly to worry over some silly dream, but still… He couldn't shake the feeling.
He was alone.
It was colder he noticed and found that the blankets had been thrown to the side haphazardly. The other side of the bed was empty. "Kikyo?" he said softly in the dark room.
It was quiet. No movement anywhere in the bedroom, but there was something. It was soft… subdued…
He sat up in bed and looked through the darkness for any sign of his wife, but found none. Just an empty bed and a soft noise he wasn't sure if he even heard. He noticed though, the door was ajar.
Something was wrong.
"Kikyo?" he said a little louder and pulled the covers away. There was a disturbing pull at his heart.
He walked out into the hall, searching and listening. It was faint…
"Kikyo?"
He moved faster as that fearful pulling tugged at him insistently. Why wouldn't she answer him? He was sure he heard something now and he was getting closer. It was getting louder… crying?
He was running now. She was close and more than just crying. He could hear a choking, drowning kind of sob and he was terrified. He came to the hall bathroom with the door ajar and the sobbing just inside. Why the hall? Why so far away? Why?!
"Kikyo?! What's going…" He flung the door open and his heart came up into his throat. Kikyo was trembling… sobbing… bleeding.
"Wha… what's wrong?! The… the… ba… I don't know… don't know… what to…" she was choked out her words, almost shrieking. She shook violently and looked at him in such horror. He had rushed her into his arms and ran from the room.
"It's wrong!" Kikyo cried out hysterically. "Can't… be this way… Can't stop the bleeding…"
Even if she could, it was too late.
5:00 AM
"Sir…" a hand came softly to his shoulder and Inuyasha looked up into a compassionate old face behind a large rimmed pair of bifocals. The doctor looked down into his eyes with sympathy magnified in his lenses.
Sympathy was bad.
"Sir, I'm very sorry to have to tell you this." The doctor spoke in a calm, even voice as Inuyasha's mind screamed incoherent terrors. "Your wife has had a miscarriage."
The world came to an end right then and there.
"H--" Inuyasha found his mouth was completely dry. An emptiness filled him from his toes to his ears. It was so soon. He hadn't even had time to really hold on to the joy-he had just found out he was going to be a father! It couldn't just be taken away now. "H-How? Why?" he choked out.
The older man sighed. This of course as horrible for the grieving father, but of course he would want to understand. "It is something known as an ectopic pregnancy." He stepped back to watch the young man as he struggled to keep control of his emotions. "The baby began growing in the fallopian tube rather than in the womb."
"Is she alright?" he couldn't bring any strength to his voice. "Kikyo… is she alright?"
"She's suffering from the loss." He was completely solemn and Inuyasha nodded. He had this much pain, yet it must not even compare to the loss she must have been experiencing. What could he do? Would he be able to help her through this and take care of his own heart? "She's in no danger," the doctor continued, "however…"
Inuyasha jerked his eyes up to meet those of the older man.
"I have to tell you, it is unlikely that your wife will ever be capable of carrying a pregnancy to term."
And then the universe collapsed on itself.
"We'll never have children?"
"There's very little hope." The doctor gave Inuyasha's shoulder a squeeze. "I'm very sorry."
"Take me to her." He shrugged the hand away and stood.
Kikyo lay on her side in the dim light and didn't bother to wipe the tears away. The salt from them burned her skin, but she didn't dry her eyes, not even against the pillow already collecting the tears as they fell. It didn't matter… nothing mattered any more. Kikyo was a beaten soul; no more hope to give her strength. Hope didn't exist, but was just a cruel invention to keep the foolish from learning the truth.
And here, alone in a hospital bed with her clean white linen sheets drenched in tears, Kikyo was having her hardest lesson. With a dull, throbbing, aching pain as if her soul was being pulled and torn like a pack of wolves fighting over a piece of meat, she knew she would never have the life she wanted. She wanted only to live happily, in piece with those she loved, caring for those she cared for, and simply enjoying the simple gift of life. But apparently this is was too much for her to ask for. She should have known better.
She heard the door click and creak open behind her and she flinched. Of course he would come to her… to take care of her… to be strong for her.
A spark of anger light inside her.
"Kikyo?" a faint whisper came from behind her. For all his promises and comfort, all she ever wanted from him was love. She couldn't have it from him, not even the part of him that would make up their child. She had been denied it all, and she was angry.
"Go away, Inuyasha…" she whispered bitterly.
"Kikyo, I…" he knelt down beside the bed but she refused to look at him. "I'm so sorry." He placed his hand on top of hers.
"DON'T!" She jerked away with a shout. "Don't touch me!" Fire was burning inside her as she looked at him. She had loved him so long; this anger was so strange. How does love turn into hate?
"Kikyo, please?!" He backed away a little. "Let me help you. Please!"
"Just go away…" she whispered once. She couldn't look at him any more! Couldn't stand that pitying look in his eyes. "GET OUT!" she screamed.
"GET OUT! GET AWAY FROM ME! GO AWAY!"
Kikyo was working her way into hysteria. Inuyasha had no idea what to do, but he didn't have to wonder long. The chaos apparently could be heard all through the hall because in moments, several nurses rushed into the room. Kikyo was still screaming at him to get out.
"Sir." He turned and found the doctor at the door. "The grief is too much for her right now. It would be better for her if you leave. She needs to remain calm."
"But…" he started.
"GET OUT!" Kikyo screamed as nurses tried to calm her.
"Sir please." The doctor urged.
Inuyasha watched as the nurses ran out of options and inserted a syringe into her IV. Kikyo relaxed slowly and stopped thrashing. "Get out… Inuyasha…" she muttered as the sedative worked its way through her blood. "Get… out… Inu…" She dropped to sleep.
"Sir." The doctor insisted. "it would be best if you leave her alone for now."
It was all he could take, and finally his will broke. Inuyasha clenched his fists hard and his face twisted in frustration. He turned sharply and glared at the doctor before heading back to the door. He growled out his response, "Fine."
She wanted him to leave. Fine. The doctors wanted him to leave. Sure.
He was just causing all the problems wasn't he? Stupid Inuyasha screwing up everyone's life once again! He gave a frustrated sigh and increased his pace.
Thump-thump-thump
Just couldn't do anything right could he? Couldn't comfort his wife! Couldn't do anything to help her or else just didn't do anything fast enough!
THUMP-THUMP-THUMP
Was someone punishing him for something? He thought of everything that had hurt Kikyo and how he couldn't stop it or had caused it. Was he being tortured for the pain he caused her? He could understand, but hadn't that what he had been experiencing for the last five years? What about every night where the guilt ate at his heart, digging a throbbing hole in his soul, huh?! That hadn't exactly been fun! He had tried so hard to make it right, but that guilt never went away, and now he was being punished on top of all that!
Too much…
THUMP-THUMP-CRASH!
A rolling cart of hospital food became the object of his wrath as, with a body as tense as steel cables, Inuyasha swung and sent the metal and dishes flying across the hall. With the backlash of the swing, he flung himself to the other side of the hall and pounded against the wall.
"WHY?!" he threw his arms up and screamed. "WHAT DID I DO?!"
The air felt thick in his lungs. It seemed to collect in his throat, slowly choking the life from his body. His head was pounding with his straining heart and every torturing thump blurred his vision more. The aguish washed over him in waves, growing and growing with every aching second. Never ebbing, the pressure was becoming too much for his shattered heart.
"I TRIED!" he slammed his fists against the wall. He was screaming without regard and without notice for the frightened nurses and orderlies. They were scattering quickly to give him space. Patients often resorted to emotional outbursts in moments of intense loss, but seldom were they as intimidating as the raging man thrashing about in the hall.
"What more am I supposed to do?!" he cried as his fists echoed each word, but growing less violent. His shoulders slumped and he stopped fighting.
He didn't want to fight anymore. What good would it do him anyway?
"I tried so hard…" he muttered into the wall, leaning against his arms still braced against the cracking plaster.
So hard… Every minute, every second, of every day he thought about the promise he made to Kikyo. He had tried to keep it-tried everything he could think. He stayed away. He put Kagome behind him. He denied his heart what it screamed for him to take. No one could accuse him of not trying!
But what do you do when trying isn't good enough?
"I give up." He muttered and pushed himself away from the wall. He ran down the hall to waiting area and through the door. He didn't stop in the hospital parking lot. He didn't stop at the street corner. Thunder clouds loomed over head and the night air was still and warm. Inuyasha didn't notice any of it and he didn't stop. He never stopped running. He just stopped fighting. It just didn't seem to do any good.
Inuyasha had stopped trying.
6:00 AM
Kagome woke with a start. It was raining hard and she could hear thunder rumbling. But thunder hadn't woken her… she could hear her buzzer in the other room, but who on earth would visit so early?
'Whoever it is, they're insistent.' She thought as she shrugged on a robe and went to her intercom.
"Kagome?!" came an urgent voice.
"Inuyasha?!" She gasped and subconsciously pulled her robe tighter. "What's wrong? How long have you been buzzing me?"
"Kagome, please… I have to talk to you. Please let me up…"
There was something so desperate in his voice that she didn't dare refuse. Worry gripped her as she quickly buzzed him in and ran to unlock her door. She barely turned the latch before the knob flung back and Inuyasha rushed in. He pulled her into an embrace too quickly for her to even ask what was wrong.
"How did it go so wrong?" He whispered with such desperation she didn't know how to respond. "What did I do that made everything in my life turn out so horribly?" He pulled her into him even tighter and breathed her in. He crushed her into his chest like he was holding on to his last thread of life. "This… This is the only thing that feels right."
"Inuyasha…" she whispered quickly but he didn't let her get any further.
"I knew it then! I knew it that first night when I had a chance to change it all. I should have acted on it then and it all would have been so much better. But I didn't believe it. I was afraid."
He ran his fingers through her hair, and let them slide over her cheek and down her shoulder. He traced her arm with his finger tips all the way down to her hand and covered it with his own. Her heart was thumping in her ears staring into his questioning eyes. His thumb stroked from between her wrist and fingers softly and he cupped her cheek with the free hand. He let his fingers slide along the sensitive spot behind her ear, making her face fall into his hand and her eyes close with a soft sigh. He cupped her cheek and gently brought her face closer, watching her the entire time for any sign of resistance. But her eyes were closed, keeping any fear they might have held a secret and all he could see was a longing to match his own.
'Please just let me.' He thought and brushed his lips against hers. She sharply took in her breath and he pulled back only slightly to observe her.
Kagome glanced up at him through half lidded eyes and gave him a smile. She truly did want him with as much passion and desperation as she found in those beautiful amber eyes. It may have been sinful, but the weakness in her could not resist the longing caused by the man she loved holding her and kissing her as she had wished with such fire he might someday do again. She was only human, and the woman in her needed him. So she closed her eyes and nuzzled into his hand, indulging her weakness in the caress.
That was all the encouragement Inuyasha needed. 'This is right.' His mind screamed and he kissed her again, much deeper this time. The intensity of it caught her breath and she couldn't bring her body to respond at first, but he didn't stop. He pulled her body flush against his own and circled his arms around her back, trapping her there as if something would come from behind and steal her away. Gradually, Kagome regained her senses enough to move her lips along with his and wrap her arms around his back and shoulders.
Their tongues were playing together like old friends reunited after being too long apart. They would touch tips gently or run along each others' sides, as they reacquainted themselves, remembering the feel of each other. He pushed their forms down on the cushions, putting her between the back of the couch and his body. He wanted to remember more of her.
He tangled her legs with his own so that she straddled his upper leg and pulled her even closer to his chest and tightened his arms around her back. He remembered this and brought his leg higher, pressing against her junction through her pajama bottoms and felt her entire body tense as he rubbed against her. Yes, it was exactly the same reaction. He wondered if she still made those fluttering moans as he kissed his way down her chin, neck and chest. Yes! The exact same noise he had only dreamed for years. Did her muscles still dance under her skin? He pushed his hands through the folds of her robe and up beneath her shirt and traced down her ribs and waist and delighted in the way they shivered against him. Yes, it was all like he remembered-like he had imagined ever since their first night. 'This is right.' He thought again.
He knew what he wanted now. He wanted to hear that moan. He wanted to see if she would still unleash that passion from that one place he discovered. He wondered if anyone else had ever found it, but hoped not. He wanted that passion's release to be a power he alone would be able to grant her. He had to find out… had to hear it again. He gripped her small waist to hold her still and brought his fingers around to her back, dipping under the waist of her pants. He followed the curves of her body to the dip above just above the seam of her underwear. He would take care of those after he got the sound he wanted. He pressed into the spot firmly and Kagome's blissful sigh entered him through his kiss. It was even more powerful than he remembered and her cry tickled his lips. She clutched him and ground her hips to him with a ferocity he had never seen. No one else must have found the spot he guessed and smirked against her mouth. No one had caused her that joy since he had first shown it to her.
Nothing would hinder them any more.
"no…"
Nothing would come between them any more.
"no."
He didn't care what happened. He wouldn't let the anything in the universe stop what they finally had the opportunity to have. The future didn't matter any longer. Nothing but the girl he held against him mattered.
"No."
It wasn't going to work. As long as he just kept kissing her, they were the only two people in the world. He didn't have to listen to the thoughts telling him 'no.' He could ignore them for all eternity if he wanted to. Not his conscience, not anything in all the realms of the sadistic universe would stop him now.
"Inuyasha, NO!" she screamed and pushed him away frantically.
Kagome would.
"Inuyasha we can't. Please… we can't. This is wrong… this is just wrong. You're married!" she panted out and started to cry. "It's wrong, Inuyasha. You have to understand… I won't be the other woman. I can't… I just can't. Please…"
She sat them both up with tears rolling freely down her face. She pushed his arms away from her and wouldn't allow his comfort.
"Kagome, I…" He didn't know what to say now. Was there even anything he could do?
"Just go." She whispered between sobs.
"Kagome…" he tried to wipe a tear from her cheek but she recoiled as if the touch burned her.
"Go." She commanded. "Go home to your wife."
He stood slowly, watching her crumple down in tears. He felt the dull ache in his chest, like the whole thing would just cave in. Was this some new form of guilt that was about a hundred times more powerful? Or was this just the heartbreak he had heard so many people talk about. He always thought they were just being stupid about it… Live and learn. He walked backwards to her door, never taking his eyes off her crying figure. He hated to watch her like that, but he deserved the pain it caused in his heart for all the pain he had just brought to her. He backed out of her door into the hall.
"I'm sorry." he whispered. "Of course you're right. Thank you-for stopping. She's suffered already, and I couldn't forgive myself if I betrayed her, but I'm sorry for being so selfish. Being with you makes me happy and it's all I want in the world, but I know I can't have that. I made a promise. Thank you for helping me keep it."
She stared at him from across the room and nodded. He began to close the door, blocking them from each other. "She hasn't done anything wrong." He whispered before it clicked shut.
He turned quickly and marched down the stairs, back out the front door of the complex, and out in rain. There was nothing else to it.
Inside, Kagome forced herself to her feet and stumbled to the door. She wanted more than anything to just throw it open and call him back. To take him in her arms and never leg go again. She gripped the door knob in a shaky hand. It would be so easy.
She locked the door and walked away to her bedroom.
She buried her head into a pillow and sobbed pathetically, the dull aching sobs that feel like your chest will rip open if you don't stop but you don't care if it does or not. She didn't know how long she cried like that but the next thing she knew the sun was peeking through her window.
One thing was clear…
'I can't stay here. I don't want to any more.' It wouldn't be too hard… Sango was still looking for a lease, with two weeks notice it wouldn't be a problem being set up with another job, she wasn't that attached to the city to stay, and for that matter, not too attached to another man in said city to stay. She wouldn't even miss the ring… princess cut never was her favorite setting.
"Hi… yes… I need a flight to Tokyo…" She forced her voice to be calm and wiped a tear away. "One way… two weeks please… for Kagome Higurashi."
If she'd give me one good reason, I'd be gone.
She ain't done, one thing wrong
***
Next Chapter: Does He Love You