Author's Notes: We're entering what is referred to the Dissociation Phase in dyadic relationships. I tried to throw in a little funny to counteract some of the sadness going on with this phase in a relationship. Wow… don't I sound like I know what I'm talking about? I've been writing this with my research and my texts in front of me, so while generally I have no clue what I'm talking about, this time I have at least a general idea.
The Low Down: I'm back in my dorm after a week in Florida searching for gators with the Lizzie! We're some croc hunters! Chapter 7 and 8 will still be up in hopefully a timely manner. You'll like it… Don't be scared with the next couple of chapters.
Love and Marriage
Chapter 6
Does He Love You?
"Hi… yes… I need a flight to Tokyo…" She forced her voice to be calm and wiped a tear away. "One way… two weeks please… for Kagome Higurashi."
***
6:00 PM
He pushed the bedroom door open with his shoulder holding breakfast tray.
The room was still and calm, and filled with the same eerie blue light and threatening silence. She was laying in the bed on her side with her back to him, but he could see her sides rise and fall rhythmically. If he concentrated hard, he could focus on the muted breathing of the resting figure across the room, or perhaps that was just his own breathing? He never could be completely sure.
Once again, she didn't even glace at him as he walked through the door.
"Kikyo…" he whispered gently, "I've brought you some dinner." She made neither movement nor sound.
"You haven't been eating nearly enough…" his voice was weak. "I'm worried about you."
Inuyasha reached to touch her shoulder, but she only shook him away and wrapped herself deeper into her blankets. He gazed over her body, once soft and curved and yet already thin, but now coming frighteningly jagged and boney. How long had he suffered watching her deteriorate on her own whim? One week? Two weeks? It felt close to fifty years now while he watched the bones of her vertebra move with her breathing.
"Kikyo please… eat." He pleaded. "You haven't even left the room…" He waited for something, anything, but the only reaction he ever got was a recoil to his touch. She was killing him, but there was no way he could bring himself to be angry for it. Not after everything…
"I'll just leave it here…" he said weakly and set the tray on the night table. He touched her shoulder gently and his heart wrenched when she shuddered at the contact. "Please eat something, Kikyo." He pleaded in a whisper. She didn't say a word.
He stood and stepped away from the bed and backed toward the door so he could watch her. She didn't move or look at him. Her reaction to his soft touch had been the only indication she knew he was there at all. "I'll come check on you again later." He offered from the door.
Still nothing.
"Please, Kikyo." He begged. "Please don't do this."
The door clicked softly as he left. Kikyo's eyes darted once to where he had been standing. She took a ragged breath and clutched her pillow closer to her and buried her face in deep.
10:00 AM
"She won't even talk to me…" he said miserably leaning back in his chair with his hands over his face.
Miroku sat in his usual chair across from Inuyasha's desk. Some psychiatrists get a couch and some get a leather rolly-swivel chair. Psychiatrists didn't get to have rolly chair races down the halls when their patients weren't around though. They also probably didn't go crashing into water coolers and have to blame it on the night cleaning staff. He always wondered what happened to that janitor…
But in the mean time! He was in that uncomfortable position of wanting to offer comfort, but having no earthly idea just how to do it. It's not like he could just tell him… 'Hey man! It'll be ok. Want to go get a drink?' So Miroku opted for the more 'Carl Rogers' approach of council and kept his yap shut and nodding where it seemed appropriate.
"She won't look at me. She eats hardly enough to stay alive. She stays in bed all day, but looks like she hasn't slept in a week." He gave a frustrated sigh. "I just don't' know what to do anymore… I don't know how to help her."
"I don't know what to tell you either." Miroku said with sympathy.
"Do you think it can ever be the same?" Inuyasha asked. "Kikyo and I… can we go back to the way it was before…"
"I don't know…" Miroku said in all honesty.
"What that whole philosophy?" he persisted. "What about never giving up on a loved one? 'There is always hope that a friendship or a love can warm up again.' What about that?"
"I think it's a beautiful philosophy." Miroku said. "But it's not always true."
Inuyasha gave a disappointed grunt and braced his elbows on his desk, holding his head and Miroku continued. "People change, Inuyasha. They will grow with time and they will change. You can't stop it and you can't just change back."
They were silent for several moments before Inuyasha looked up from his hands and asked, "Why did it have to turn out like this, Miroku?"
"I don't know." Miroku said. His heart went out to the man he for so long called partner. "There's not much you can do to change how you feel though. It's not like you can help who you fall in love with…"
"Why not?"
"What?" Miroku looked up surprised.
"Why not?" Inuyasha said again in all seriousness and looked Miroku dead in the eye. "You should be able to control it."
"Um…" Miroku was searching for a response… He certainly hadn't been expecting an argument to that basic cookie-cutter, albeit clichéd piece of wisdom, but leave it to Inuyasha to surprise him.
"You can control what people are in your life by who you associate with." Inuyasha went on, "Then you should be able to control who you would 'fall in love with' by controlling what people are around you. You would come to care for those people you let in your life! You should be able to control love." He slapped the desk to emphasize his point.
Miroku nodded once and considered the argument. Smart… plausible… it made perfect sense, So naturally it had to be wrong.
"Some people you just don't see coming." He said softly.
1:00 PM
'Come on little flashy guy…' Kagome thought as she waited for her walk signal. She wiped the skin under her sunglasses gently. Goodbyes always seemed to be so sad, but a handsome, charming, rich, and adoring man offering you everything in the world if you would just stay with him certainly didn't improve matters any more. Giving him back an 8 karat tiffany ring would just about break any woman's heart, but Kagome knew what she had to do.
For all she tried, she just couldn't make herself fall in love with Kouga. She just couldn't make the mistake to marry someone she didn't love, even if he happened to be every rational thing she could possibly want. Love wasn't rational, and it had its own horribly inconvenient ways of reminding people of that fact. A girl just doesn't cross the forces of love if she doesn't want the whole universe to come tumbling down on her head.
Kagome sighed as the little man flashed on the other corner. She crossed quickly and rounded the corner. Just a few more blocks… to what? Home? Not anymore… but what good is a home when your life, both professionally and personally, is completely torn to pieces.
Why did everything have to come back to him? What cosmic imbalance thought it fit to make Inuyasha the center of her universe? Was God just demented that day?! But no matter what she had tried, she couldn't get away from the ill tempered, foul mouthed, arrogant, immature, hurtful, bastard who made a slurping sound when he drank champagne from the flute! There was just so much wrong about him without even having to consider a little circle of gold around one very important finger, and yet the universe in all its spite saw it fit to make her fall in love with that stupid man.
'Stupid universe…' Kagome thought bitterly and turned the corner towards her building.
Why couldn't she just love Kouga. Things would be so much simpler.
She gave a little sigh of defeat and dug inside her purse for a key, looking down to sort through the random items littering her bag. She looked up wearily and held the key, and practically jumped out of her skin when she looked down into a pair of accusing brown eyes sitting smartly on the doorstep. She hadn't noticed Sango there as she looked through the bag… and an angry looking Sango when you're caught off guard doesn't make for a comforting hello.
"I want to know what's going on!" Sango snapped.
2:00 PM
"I don't like this." Sango stretched the packing tape over the box flaps. "It feels like you're running away."
"I'm not." Kagome said and ripped another piece of tape.
"What do you call it then?" Sango said and stretched out another long piece of the clear tape. She had snapped with a little more venom than she had intended the tape curling around itself and around her hand wasn't improving her mood any. She swore under her breath and detangled herself before going to get another piece of tape… this time much more gentle.
Kagome paused after she sealed the box in front of her. "Going back where I belong." She said after a few moments and grabbed another box filled to the brim with random knick-knacks. So she wasn't the most organized of packers. Everything would end up coming out of the boxes eventually and she'd just sort them out when she got back home.
"You belong here." Sango said. "You have a home. You have a job. You have friends." She pushed the box aside forcefully and grabbed another. "You have me!" She yanked the tape and got her hand tangled again and swore louder than before as she flung the demonic roll of sticky to the other side of the room.
"I'll miss you, Sango…" Kagome said meekly. "So much…"
"You wouldn't have to if you didn't leave." Her hair was falling in front of her eyes and hid her face.
"I have to." She whispered. "I just can't stay here any more."
"Just because of him?"
"No…" Kagome tugged at her necklace. "Yes… I don't know. I just know I need to be home."
"Kagome, it's one thing to be homesick," Sango said gently, "but don't let him make you run away."
She reached and grabbed Sango's hand and forced her friend to look her in the eyes. "I'm not running away Sango. I'm just doing what's best for everyone."
Sango gave her hand a squeeze and forced a crooked smile. 'You're lying.' she thought.
"Now come on." Kagome said with a bigger smile and shoved herself to her feet. "Let's go get your sublease stuff done. No more sleeping in your kitchen, huh?"
"Hey! Those counters aren't so bad once you get used to it." Sango laughed and took Kagome's offered hand and watched her roll her eyes.
"I'm just glad I don't have to deal with legalities of that. I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to habitat your kitchen."
"I pay rent either way." She grumbled half-heartedly, but she stopped in her tracks as she glanced down into an open box. "Now this is cute..."
Kagome looked up to see Sango grinning over a box. She glanced up with a mischievous gleam in her eyes and pulled an old wooden boomerang with sloppy painted yellow letters. "How cute! 'Come back to us, Kagome. Love Sota and Shippo' It's so sweet… I may cry." Actually, she was giggling between every word.
"It' was a going away present…" Kagome growled out.
"So if I send you a little boomerang in Japan, will that make you come all the way back here to me?" Sango grinned.
A playful smile spread over Kagome's lips, so much that her eyes and nose crinkled along with her grin. "I don't think you'll have much of a problem missing me, Sango." She teased and grew smug with her friend's confused expression. "You'll be so tangled up with Miroku to really even notice." She laughed and flashed her eyebrows with a suggestion that made Sango's cheeks flare up.
"Ah!" Sango yelled out and tossed the gift boomerang at a laughing Kagome. It missed target but sailed back toward her hand to an easy catch. "Get back here!!!" She yelled and held the boomerang over her hand as she tore through the apartment chasing her mirthful best friend.
8:00 PM
"I'll meet you here to take you to the airport. Get some sleep!" Sango called from the door and walked sadly down the stairs. Put off the final goodbyes until she was in some public place and less likely to cry like a moron. Good plan.
"Excuse me…" She muttered as she bumped shoulders with a woman in the doorway. She held the door open as the lady entered and then let it fall shut behind her. She turned down the dimming streets back towards her Sengoku Jidai. Only a few more nights of sleeping in her kitchen… she wished it would be more.
The lady smiled slightly at her luck. That woman had just happened to be leaving as she approached the apartment building and she had been able to slip in as she exited. She climbed slowly up the stairs and caught sight of a name plate outside one of the doors: Kagome Higurashi.
The door was even cracked open. She pushed it slightly further to peek inside. Kagome was in the other room, the kitchen she decided it had to be. She had her back turned to the door and was bending over a sink, humming quietly to herself. The woman couldn't help noticing that she seemed very lovely, in an innocent childish way. She gave a quick knock and pushed the door open fully and slid inside
"Back so soon?" Kagome's voice rang out and she stepped from the kitchen with a dish towel in her hands.
Oh!" Kagome stopped in her tracks and paled slightly as recognition dawned over her.
"Hello." Kikyo said slowly and carefully. "You're Kagome, right? My name is Kikyo… I am Inuyasha's wife."
"Yes… of course… I…" Kagome stammered. "I've met you before, once or twice… I… won't you sit down?" she shook herself quickly and gestured to her living room. Kikyo nodded to her and moved gracefully to her couch. She followed quickly, wiping dish suds from her hands and then flinging the towel out of sight. She sat with Kikyo, far enough away to satisfy her own comfort, and trying to match the other woman's posture, finding the poise of just her way of sitting a little hard to imitate.
"Can I offer you anything?" Kagome asked quietly. "Coffee? Tea?"
"Why don't you just ask me why I've come here?" Kikyo interrupted. "What I want?"
"Well… I…" Kagome rambled uncomfortably and fidgeted with the chain around her neck. Of course that's what she wanted to know, but how could she possibly be rude in any way to this woman after… after everything?
"I've known about you for a while now." Kikyo kept her voice calm and even as she studied Kagome's every move, which was a lot to observe. This woman was too expressive for her own good. Had she not ever had to hide her heartaches from the world? "Tell me, what exactly is your relationship to Inuyasha?"
"I…" Kagome's voice cracked and she looked away quickly. "There is no relationship. There never was."
Kikyo nodded softly at this and looked away from Kagome. Her eyes swept over the apartment, stripped bare now and all the warmth packed away in boxes. She couldn't help but wonder what Kagome's home would have been like if she'd seen it all put together. Sweet and innocent? Hopeful and idealistic? Haphazard and chaotic and adventuresome? This girl, she couldn't be much younger than herself, but Kikyo knew that in the heart, this woman would never be as old as she was, and she wished she could once more have the kind of youth and hope she saw in this Kagome her Inuyasha loved.
"I don't believe you…" Kikyo whispered. "I know there is, even if it only from his side. He loves you."
"Wha-no… you must be wrong." Kagome said hurriedly. "No… I at least can say I understand him better than anyone else in the world…" Kikyo smiled sadly, "and I know him well enough to see… he loves you for what you have… I can never be."
"What is that?" Kagome asked.
"Hope." She stated simply. "He can't have that with me. And I think he knew he never could… I should have seen it when he first told me of you. But I didn't want to see… I loved him too much and I couldn't see."
"I don't think I understand…" Kagome started.
"I can never have children." She said with neither warmth nor coldness. Just neutral and nothingness… It baffled Kagome. "He can never have the family he needs… he can never give his love to anyone. He already could not give it to you. It's suffocating him… I know it is."
"Kikyo…" Kagome's eyes darted around. Somehow she didn't feel comfortable looking the wronged woman in the eyes. "I know you would have no reason to listen to anything I say, but I honestly never wanted to cause you any pain." She focused on Kikyo's feet. "I truly am very sorry. I…"
"Do you love him?" Kikyo cut her off.
Kagome's voice began to break and risked a glace to Kikyo as she moved to seat herself. "I never wanted to fall in love with him." She almost whimpered and turned the stone over and over in her hands as she looked down into her lap, the floor, that coffee spot on the wall she had forgotten was there, anywhere but Kikyo. "I tried so hard not to."
"Kikyo, you don't have to worry about anything. I won't step in your relationship with him…" Kagome forced herself to look Kikyo in the eyes and silently begged the wronged woman to believe her. "I'm going back home to Japan, Kikyo. Neither you or Inuyasha will ever hear from me again."
A small smile on Kikyo's lips surprised the Kagome, who was fighting so hard to keep herself composed. "We have some common ground." Kikyo murmured, "We both love the same man and neither of us can have what we want." She chuckled sadly. "It's funny how cruel love can be to women."
"What do you mean?" Kagome asked gently.
"I want his love, but I have what is left." She spoke with taint bitterness. "You have that love, but he cannot give himself to you."
Kagome shook her head with passion. "You're wrong, Kikyo." She said with firmness she had not yet had the courage to use. "He loves you more than you're giving him credit for. If he didn't, he wouldn't care so much about being faithful and loyal to you." She actually smiled to Kikyo as she put her spirit behind her words. "The only thing he's ever cared about is protecting you and trying to make you happy." She wiped away a tickle on her cheek-when had she started to tear up again? That was all she seemed to be doing lately.
"He must truly love you, Kikyo." She wiped her cheeks fiercely. Damn! Why couldn't she keep it together for anything? She must look like such a total idiot to this woman. While she tired to be strong and supportive to make Kikyo understand she didn't have to doubt Inuyasha, she starts crying like a child.
"And you're wrong about the other part." She just forced herself to continue. If she couldn't get this out with dignity, she'd just settle for getting it out. "I don't have Inuyasha's love, because love must be given willingly. He would never betray you by giving his love to someone… not when it would hurt you."
Kikyo sat and stared at her for a few moments. She spoke so passionately… so honestly… she even cried at her own words. She actually meant every thing she had just said, but above all of that, one unspoken truth just radiated-Kagome loved him. Maybe even more than she ever had.
"I think I understand now." Kikyo whispered and pushed herself up from the couch. Kagome stood as well, but once again at a loss for what to say. What would the appropriate farewell be in a situation like this? 'Pleased to meet you…' Definitely not. 'Thanks for stopping by…' No way! 'I hope you and your husband who I'm still in love with work everything out…' Probably the best way to get herself thrown down a flight of stairs.
"Good luck, Miss Higurashi." Kikyo said firmly at the door.
"Th… Thank you…." Kagome muttered as Kikyo turned her back and walked through her door. She moved across the room and braced herself against the wood. 'Whoa…' she thought and turned the lock. No sense surprising herself with any more guests just dropping in. 'That was intense.'
She looked around her boxed up home of the last five years. Everything she had surrounded herself with to make her feel comforted and welcome in a strange new world was locked away from sight, leaving an eerie and lonely air surrounding her. It didn't help her to shake off the horribly dirty feeling like she was some little whore either and she shivered involuntarily. 'Why do I feel so guilty now?! I'm doing everything I can.' She rubbed her arms to stop the shudder. 'I'll make it right soon. I'll be far away and I won't be bothering them anymore. I'll make it right for her… It's the least I can do.'
She couldn't shake the consuming pity she had felt for the woman. And to make it even more disturbing, she felt like she understood her. Like it or not, she had had some connection with Kikyo that would remain unspoken and unexplored, but in all truth, the two women did have some common ground. There was no way Kagome could bring herself to hate or even be angry with Kikyo. Honestly… what woman could blame another woman for loving the same man she did?
She gave a sigh and fixed her eyes on the telephone across the room. Everything packed… there was no putting it off any longer…
But she sure didn't want to do this…
'Damn…' Nothing else was left but to make the hardest phone call of her life.
"Hi… Mom?"
10:00 PM
He opened the door quietly and slipped inside. If Kikyo was sleeping, such a rare and fragile state lately, he didn't want to risk waking her. Poor Kikyo… lately it seemed like just his presence made her condition worse, so he had taken to working later hours to try to make her more comfortable. He didn't understand how this would fix the problem, but it seemed to be helping at least a little bit and for that he was thankful. But he couldn't help being hurt and resentful. He made things worse just by being there… why was he here at all?
It was best not to think those kinds of thoughts, he thought with sadness and stepped into the house. He let the door slide from his hands gently as he turned, but found he wasn't alone as expected. A few feet away, Kikyo stood in front of the stair case, on her feet with false strength, and staring him down like an animal being hunted. The door hit the latch, but didn't catch, and rebounded open slightly.
"I made a decision today, Inuyasha." Her voice was low and calm. She kept her eyes still on his face, like she was trying to drive him into the ground with her gaze. "I met your Kagome."
"You did what?!" he took a step forward, but she backed away just as quickly. "Kikyo, why would you…"
"You have a choice to make." She cut him off. "Think about it, Inuyasha. You've only just walked through this door; it's not even closed. How easy would it be to turn around and run right back out of it. How easy would it be, if you choose, to go running to her?"
"What are you talking about, Kikyo?"
"If you stay here, it is very likely that you will never see Kagome again. That hurts you doesn't it." She watched his eyes for the answers she already knew. She saw him flinch ever so slightly as he fought his conflicting emotions. "You have to ask yourself just what this girl means to you. Is she more important to you than I am?"
She watched his fists clench at his sides.
"How important is your promise you keep swearing to?" Kikyo strained to keep her voice even. "If you go, you will be breaking it. You've sworn to me that you would be faithful, so now what will you do? Will you break fidelity to me, knowing that if you don't you will lose her forever?"
"Kikyo…" his voice was weary and strained. Was she actually trying to hurt him? "I think I've made it clear by now. I won't walk out on you." He watched her face for any display of emotion. When had Kikyo become so efficient at masking what she felt? Had he just missed her retreat into herself or had it all happened at once? He had no clue and that was just as frustrating. "Don't push me away, Kikyo. I won't break my promise to you."
He grabbed the handle of the door and soundly pushed it shut.
***
So don't expect me to just walk out of the door
I still love her, but I love you more
***
Next Chapter: No Such Thing as Happy Endings
The Low Down: I'm back in my dorm after a week in Florida searching for gators with the Lizzie! We're some croc hunters! Chapter 7 and 8 will still be up in hopefully a timely manner. You'll like it… Don't be scared with the next couple of chapters.
Love and Marriage
Chapter 6
Does He Love You?
"Hi… yes… I need a flight to Tokyo…" She forced her voice to be calm and wiped a tear away. "One way… two weeks please… for Kagome Higurashi."
***
6:00 PM
He pushed the bedroom door open with his shoulder holding breakfast tray.
The room was still and calm, and filled with the same eerie blue light and threatening silence. She was laying in the bed on her side with her back to him, but he could see her sides rise and fall rhythmically. If he concentrated hard, he could focus on the muted breathing of the resting figure across the room, or perhaps that was just his own breathing? He never could be completely sure.
Once again, she didn't even glace at him as he walked through the door.
"Kikyo…" he whispered gently, "I've brought you some dinner." She made neither movement nor sound.
"You haven't been eating nearly enough…" his voice was weak. "I'm worried about you."
Inuyasha reached to touch her shoulder, but she only shook him away and wrapped herself deeper into her blankets. He gazed over her body, once soft and curved and yet already thin, but now coming frighteningly jagged and boney. How long had he suffered watching her deteriorate on her own whim? One week? Two weeks? It felt close to fifty years now while he watched the bones of her vertebra move with her breathing.
"Kikyo please… eat." He pleaded. "You haven't even left the room…" He waited for something, anything, but the only reaction he ever got was a recoil to his touch. She was killing him, but there was no way he could bring himself to be angry for it. Not after everything…
"I'll just leave it here…" he said weakly and set the tray on the night table. He touched her shoulder gently and his heart wrenched when she shuddered at the contact. "Please eat something, Kikyo." He pleaded in a whisper. She didn't say a word.
He stood and stepped away from the bed and backed toward the door so he could watch her. She didn't move or look at him. Her reaction to his soft touch had been the only indication she knew he was there at all. "I'll come check on you again later." He offered from the door.
Still nothing.
"Please, Kikyo." He begged. "Please don't do this."
The door clicked softly as he left. Kikyo's eyes darted once to where he had been standing. She took a ragged breath and clutched her pillow closer to her and buried her face in deep.
10:00 AM
"She won't even talk to me…" he said miserably leaning back in his chair with his hands over his face.
Miroku sat in his usual chair across from Inuyasha's desk. Some psychiatrists get a couch and some get a leather rolly-swivel chair. Psychiatrists didn't get to have rolly chair races down the halls when their patients weren't around though. They also probably didn't go crashing into water coolers and have to blame it on the night cleaning staff. He always wondered what happened to that janitor…
But in the mean time! He was in that uncomfortable position of wanting to offer comfort, but having no earthly idea just how to do it. It's not like he could just tell him… 'Hey man! It'll be ok. Want to go get a drink?' So Miroku opted for the more 'Carl Rogers' approach of council and kept his yap shut and nodding where it seemed appropriate.
"She won't look at me. She eats hardly enough to stay alive. She stays in bed all day, but looks like she hasn't slept in a week." He gave a frustrated sigh. "I just don't' know what to do anymore… I don't know how to help her."
"I don't know what to tell you either." Miroku said with sympathy.
"Do you think it can ever be the same?" Inuyasha asked. "Kikyo and I… can we go back to the way it was before…"
"I don't know…" Miroku said in all honesty.
"What that whole philosophy?" he persisted. "What about never giving up on a loved one? 'There is always hope that a friendship or a love can warm up again.' What about that?"
"I think it's a beautiful philosophy." Miroku said. "But it's not always true."
Inuyasha gave a disappointed grunt and braced his elbows on his desk, holding his head and Miroku continued. "People change, Inuyasha. They will grow with time and they will change. You can't stop it and you can't just change back."
They were silent for several moments before Inuyasha looked up from his hands and asked, "Why did it have to turn out like this, Miroku?"
"I don't know." Miroku said. His heart went out to the man he for so long called partner. "There's not much you can do to change how you feel though. It's not like you can help who you fall in love with…"
"Why not?"
"What?" Miroku looked up surprised.
"Why not?" Inuyasha said again in all seriousness and looked Miroku dead in the eye. "You should be able to control it."
"Um…" Miroku was searching for a response… He certainly hadn't been expecting an argument to that basic cookie-cutter, albeit clichéd piece of wisdom, but leave it to Inuyasha to surprise him.
"You can control what people are in your life by who you associate with." Inuyasha went on, "Then you should be able to control who you would 'fall in love with' by controlling what people are around you. You would come to care for those people you let in your life! You should be able to control love." He slapped the desk to emphasize his point.
Miroku nodded once and considered the argument. Smart… plausible… it made perfect sense, So naturally it had to be wrong.
"Some people you just don't see coming." He said softly.
1:00 PM
'Come on little flashy guy…' Kagome thought as she waited for her walk signal. She wiped the skin under her sunglasses gently. Goodbyes always seemed to be so sad, but a handsome, charming, rich, and adoring man offering you everything in the world if you would just stay with him certainly didn't improve matters any more. Giving him back an 8 karat tiffany ring would just about break any woman's heart, but Kagome knew what she had to do.
For all she tried, she just couldn't make herself fall in love with Kouga. She just couldn't make the mistake to marry someone she didn't love, even if he happened to be every rational thing she could possibly want. Love wasn't rational, and it had its own horribly inconvenient ways of reminding people of that fact. A girl just doesn't cross the forces of love if she doesn't want the whole universe to come tumbling down on her head.
Kagome sighed as the little man flashed on the other corner. She crossed quickly and rounded the corner. Just a few more blocks… to what? Home? Not anymore… but what good is a home when your life, both professionally and personally, is completely torn to pieces.
Why did everything have to come back to him? What cosmic imbalance thought it fit to make Inuyasha the center of her universe? Was God just demented that day?! But no matter what she had tried, she couldn't get away from the ill tempered, foul mouthed, arrogant, immature, hurtful, bastard who made a slurping sound when he drank champagne from the flute! There was just so much wrong about him without even having to consider a little circle of gold around one very important finger, and yet the universe in all its spite saw it fit to make her fall in love with that stupid man.
'Stupid universe…' Kagome thought bitterly and turned the corner towards her building.
Why couldn't she just love Kouga. Things would be so much simpler.
She gave a little sigh of defeat and dug inside her purse for a key, looking down to sort through the random items littering her bag. She looked up wearily and held the key, and practically jumped out of her skin when she looked down into a pair of accusing brown eyes sitting smartly on the doorstep. She hadn't noticed Sango there as she looked through the bag… and an angry looking Sango when you're caught off guard doesn't make for a comforting hello.
"I want to know what's going on!" Sango snapped.
2:00 PM
"I don't like this." Sango stretched the packing tape over the box flaps. "It feels like you're running away."
"I'm not." Kagome said and ripped another piece of tape.
"What do you call it then?" Sango said and stretched out another long piece of the clear tape. She had snapped with a little more venom than she had intended the tape curling around itself and around her hand wasn't improving her mood any. She swore under her breath and detangled herself before going to get another piece of tape… this time much more gentle.
Kagome paused after she sealed the box in front of her. "Going back where I belong." She said after a few moments and grabbed another box filled to the brim with random knick-knacks. So she wasn't the most organized of packers. Everything would end up coming out of the boxes eventually and she'd just sort them out when she got back home.
"You belong here." Sango said. "You have a home. You have a job. You have friends." She pushed the box aside forcefully and grabbed another. "You have me!" She yanked the tape and got her hand tangled again and swore louder than before as she flung the demonic roll of sticky to the other side of the room.
"I'll miss you, Sango…" Kagome said meekly. "So much…"
"You wouldn't have to if you didn't leave." Her hair was falling in front of her eyes and hid her face.
"I have to." She whispered. "I just can't stay here any more."
"Just because of him?"
"No…" Kagome tugged at her necklace. "Yes… I don't know. I just know I need to be home."
"Kagome, it's one thing to be homesick," Sango said gently, "but don't let him make you run away."
She reached and grabbed Sango's hand and forced her friend to look her in the eyes. "I'm not running away Sango. I'm just doing what's best for everyone."
Sango gave her hand a squeeze and forced a crooked smile. 'You're lying.' she thought.
"Now come on." Kagome said with a bigger smile and shoved herself to her feet. "Let's go get your sublease stuff done. No more sleeping in your kitchen, huh?"
"Hey! Those counters aren't so bad once you get used to it." Sango laughed and took Kagome's offered hand and watched her roll her eyes.
"I'm just glad I don't have to deal with legalities of that. I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to habitat your kitchen."
"I pay rent either way." She grumbled half-heartedly, but she stopped in her tracks as she glanced down into an open box. "Now this is cute..."
Kagome looked up to see Sango grinning over a box. She glanced up with a mischievous gleam in her eyes and pulled an old wooden boomerang with sloppy painted yellow letters. "How cute! 'Come back to us, Kagome. Love Sota and Shippo' It's so sweet… I may cry." Actually, she was giggling between every word.
"It' was a going away present…" Kagome growled out.
"So if I send you a little boomerang in Japan, will that make you come all the way back here to me?" Sango grinned.
A playful smile spread over Kagome's lips, so much that her eyes and nose crinkled along with her grin. "I don't think you'll have much of a problem missing me, Sango." She teased and grew smug with her friend's confused expression. "You'll be so tangled up with Miroku to really even notice." She laughed and flashed her eyebrows with a suggestion that made Sango's cheeks flare up.
"Ah!" Sango yelled out and tossed the gift boomerang at a laughing Kagome. It missed target but sailed back toward her hand to an easy catch. "Get back here!!!" She yelled and held the boomerang over her hand as she tore through the apartment chasing her mirthful best friend.
8:00 PM
"I'll meet you here to take you to the airport. Get some sleep!" Sango called from the door and walked sadly down the stairs. Put off the final goodbyes until she was in some public place and less likely to cry like a moron. Good plan.
"Excuse me…" She muttered as she bumped shoulders with a woman in the doorway. She held the door open as the lady entered and then let it fall shut behind her. She turned down the dimming streets back towards her Sengoku Jidai. Only a few more nights of sleeping in her kitchen… she wished it would be more.
The lady smiled slightly at her luck. That woman had just happened to be leaving as she approached the apartment building and she had been able to slip in as she exited. She climbed slowly up the stairs and caught sight of a name plate outside one of the doors: Kagome Higurashi.
The door was even cracked open. She pushed it slightly further to peek inside. Kagome was in the other room, the kitchen she decided it had to be. She had her back turned to the door and was bending over a sink, humming quietly to herself. The woman couldn't help noticing that she seemed very lovely, in an innocent childish way. She gave a quick knock and pushed the door open fully and slid inside
"Back so soon?" Kagome's voice rang out and she stepped from the kitchen with a dish towel in her hands.
Oh!" Kagome stopped in her tracks and paled slightly as recognition dawned over her.
"Hello." Kikyo said slowly and carefully. "You're Kagome, right? My name is Kikyo… I am Inuyasha's wife."
"Yes… of course… I…" Kagome stammered. "I've met you before, once or twice… I… won't you sit down?" she shook herself quickly and gestured to her living room. Kikyo nodded to her and moved gracefully to her couch. She followed quickly, wiping dish suds from her hands and then flinging the towel out of sight. She sat with Kikyo, far enough away to satisfy her own comfort, and trying to match the other woman's posture, finding the poise of just her way of sitting a little hard to imitate.
"Can I offer you anything?" Kagome asked quietly. "Coffee? Tea?"
"Why don't you just ask me why I've come here?" Kikyo interrupted. "What I want?"
"Well… I…" Kagome rambled uncomfortably and fidgeted with the chain around her neck. Of course that's what she wanted to know, but how could she possibly be rude in any way to this woman after… after everything?
"I've known about you for a while now." Kikyo kept her voice calm and even as she studied Kagome's every move, which was a lot to observe. This woman was too expressive for her own good. Had she not ever had to hide her heartaches from the world? "Tell me, what exactly is your relationship to Inuyasha?"
"I…" Kagome's voice cracked and she looked away quickly. "There is no relationship. There never was."
Kikyo nodded softly at this and looked away from Kagome. Her eyes swept over the apartment, stripped bare now and all the warmth packed away in boxes. She couldn't help but wonder what Kagome's home would have been like if she'd seen it all put together. Sweet and innocent? Hopeful and idealistic? Haphazard and chaotic and adventuresome? This girl, she couldn't be much younger than herself, but Kikyo knew that in the heart, this woman would never be as old as she was, and she wished she could once more have the kind of youth and hope she saw in this Kagome her Inuyasha loved.
"I don't believe you…" Kikyo whispered. "I know there is, even if it only from his side. He loves you."
"Wha-no… you must be wrong." Kagome said hurriedly. "No… I at least can say I understand him better than anyone else in the world…" Kikyo smiled sadly, "and I know him well enough to see… he loves you for what you have… I can never be."
"What is that?" Kagome asked.
"Hope." She stated simply. "He can't have that with me. And I think he knew he never could… I should have seen it when he first told me of you. But I didn't want to see… I loved him too much and I couldn't see."
"I don't think I understand…" Kagome started.
"I can never have children." She said with neither warmth nor coldness. Just neutral and nothingness… It baffled Kagome. "He can never have the family he needs… he can never give his love to anyone. He already could not give it to you. It's suffocating him… I know it is."
"Kikyo…" Kagome's eyes darted around. Somehow she didn't feel comfortable looking the wronged woman in the eyes. "I know you would have no reason to listen to anything I say, but I honestly never wanted to cause you any pain." She focused on Kikyo's feet. "I truly am very sorry. I…"
"Do you love him?" Kikyo cut her off.
Kagome's voice began to break and risked a glace to Kikyo as she moved to seat herself. "I never wanted to fall in love with him." She almost whimpered and turned the stone over and over in her hands as she looked down into her lap, the floor, that coffee spot on the wall she had forgotten was there, anywhere but Kikyo. "I tried so hard not to."
"Kikyo, you don't have to worry about anything. I won't step in your relationship with him…" Kagome forced herself to look Kikyo in the eyes and silently begged the wronged woman to believe her. "I'm going back home to Japan, Kikyo. Neither you or Inuyasha will ever hear from me again."
A small smile on Kikyo's lips surprised the Kagome, who was fighting so hard to keep herself composed. "We have some common ground." Kikyo murmured, "We both love the same man and neither of us can have what we want." She chuckled sadly. "It's funny how cruel love can be to women."
"What do you mean?" Kagome asked gently.
"I want his love, but I have what is left." She spoke with taint bitterness. "You have that love, but he cannot give himself to you."
Kagome shook her head with passion. "You're wrong, Kikyo." She said with firmness she had not yet had the courage to use. "He loves you more than you're giving him credit for. If he didn't, he wouldn't care so much about being faithful and loyal to you." She actually smiled to Kikyo as she put her spirit behind her words. "The only thing he's ever cared about is protecting you and trying to make you happy." She wiped away a tickle on her cheek-when had she started to tear up again? That was all she seemed to be doing lately.
"He must truly love you, Kikyo." She wiped her cheeks fiercely. Damn! Why couldn't she keep it together for anything? She must look like such a total idiot to this woman. While she tired to be strong and supportive to make Kikyo understand she didn't have to doubt Inuyasha, she starts crying like a child.
"And you're wrong about the other part." She just forced herself to continue. If she couldn't get this out with dignity, she'd just settle for getting it out. "I don't have Inuyasha's love, because love must be given willingly. He would never betray you by giving his love to someone… not when it would hurt you."
Kikyo sat and stared at her for a few moments. She spoke so passionately… so honestly… she even cried at her own words. She actually meant every thing she had just said, but above all of that, one unspoken truth just radiated-Kagome loved him. Maybe even more than she ever had.
"I think I understand now." Kikyo whispered and pushed herself up from the couch. Kagome stood as well, but once again at a loss for what to say. What would the appropriate farewell be in a situation like this? 'Pleased to meet you…' Definitely not. 'Thanks for stopping by…' No way! 'I hope you and your husband who I'm still in love with work everything out…' Probably the best way to get herself thrown down a flight of stairs.
"Good luck, Miss Higurashi." Kikyo said firmly at the door.
"Th… Thank you…." Kagome muttered as Kikyo turned her back and walked through her door. She moved across the room and braced herself against the wood. 'Whoa…' she thought and turned the lock. No sense surprising herself with any more guests just dropping in. 'That was intense.'
She looked around her boxed up home of the last five years. Everything she had surrounded herself with to make her feel comforted and welcome in a strange new world was locked away from sight, leaving an eerie and lonely air surrounding her. It didn't help her to shake off the horribly dirty feeling like she was some little whore either and she shivered involuntarily. 'Why do I feel so guilty now?! I'm doing everything I can.' She rubbed her arms to stop the shudder. 'I'll make it right soon. I'll be far away and I won't be bothering them anymore. I'll make it right for her… It's the least I can do.'
She couldn't shake the consuming pity she had felt for the woman. And to make it even more disturbing, she felt like she understood her. Like it or not, she had had some connection with Kikyo that would remain unspoken and unexplored, but in all truth, the two women did have some common ground. There was no way Kagome could bring herself to hate or even be angry with Kikyo. Honestly… what woman could blame another woman for loving the same man she did?
She gave a sigh and fixed her eyes on the telephone across the room. Everything packed… there was no putting it off any longer…
But she sure didn't want to do this…
'Damn…' Nothing else was left but to make the hardest phone call of her life.
"Hi… Mom?"
10:00 PM
He opened the door quietly and slipped inside. If Kikyo was sleeping, such a rare and fragile state lately, he didn't want to risk waking her. Poor Kikyo… lately it seemed like just his presence made her condition worse, so he had taken to working later hours to try to make her more comfortable. He didn't understand how this would fix the problem, but it seemed to be helping at least a little bit and for that he was thankful. But he couldn't help being hurt and resentful. He made things worse just by being there… why was he here at all?
It was best not to think those kinds of thoughts, he thought with sadness and stepped into the house. He let the door slide from his hands gently as he turned, but found he wasn't alone as expected. A few feet away, Kikyo stood in front of the stair case, on her feet with false strength, and staring him down like an animal being hunted. The door hit the latch, but didn't catch, and rebounded open slightly.
"I made a decision today, Inuyasha." Her voice was low and calm. She kept her eyes still on his face, like she was trying to drive him into the ground with her gaze. "I met your Kagome."
"You did what?!" he took a step forward, but she backed away just as quickly. "Kikyo, why would you…"
"You have a choice to make." She cut him off. "Think about it, Inuyasha. You've only just walked through this door; it's not even closed. How easy would it be to turn around and run right back out of it. How easy would it be, if you choose, to go running to her?"
"What are you talking about, Kikyo?"
"If you stay here, it is very likely that you will never see Kagome again. That hurts you doesn't it." She watched his eyes for the answers she already knew. She saw him flinch ever so slightly as he fought his conflicting emotions. "You have to ask yourself just what this girl means to you. Is she more important to you than I am?"
She watched his fists clench at his sides.
"How important is your promise you keep swearing to?" Kikyo strained to keep her voice even. "If you go, you will be breaking it. You've sworn to me that you would be faithful, so now what will you do? Will you break fidelity to me, knowing that if you don't you will lose her forever?"
"Kikyo…" his voice was weary and strained. Was she actually trying to hurt him? "I think I've made it clear by now. I won't walk out on you." He watched her face for any display of emotion. When had Kikyo become so efficient at masking what she felt? Had he just missed her retreat into herself or had it all happened at once? He had no clue and that was just as frustrating. "Don't push me away, Kikyo. I won't break my promise to you."
He grabbed the handle of the door and soundly pushed it shut.
So don't expect me to just walk out of the door
I still love her, but I love you more
***