If you haven't read the disclaimer at the beginning already please do so.

Harry opened his mouth to protest, but was stopped by Voldemort who had just walked in with a evil grin on his face.
"Haven't we gone over this before?" Harry said, addressing Voldemort. "You can do whatever you want but you will never kill me."
Voldemort suddenly looked awkward. "I figured if you can't beat them, join them. Plus the fact that 2% of fanfic writers make you evil-"
Harry put on an evil looking face. "Of course Lord Voldie. I will gladly join you."
"ITS VOLDEMORT!! NOT VOLDIE!!"
"Whatever you say Voldie"
"VOL-DE-MORT!! NOT VOLDIE"
"Voldie, Voldie, Voldie" Harry said, mocking him.
"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! VOLDEMORT!!"
"Voldie! Voldie! Voldie!" Harry continued to shout
"Stop-"
"Voldie"
"Shut-"
"Voldie!"
"Aaaaargh!" all of a sudden Voldemort/Voldie spontaneously combusted
"Whoa" said Harry
"You shouldn't have done that Harry..." said Professor Dumbledore
"Why not?" asked Harry... "I just killed the most evil wizard of all time..."
"Yes..." said Dumbledore... "but in 23.546% of ff's... you mother Lily has an affair and Voldemort is really your father..."
Ron shrieked like a girl and fainted

Harry stood there, dumbfounded. "But I thought this was a J.K. Rowling thing, not a George Lucas thing." He dug his script out of his pocket and leafed through it before giving up; none of this was anywhere in there.

Hermione suddenly gave a shriek and clapped her hand to her mouth. "Harry!" She tugged his sleeve as ominous music built up in the background.

"What?" our hero asked irritably, throwing his useless script into the fire.

"It's Voldemort . . . just look, won't you?" she finished irritably.

Harry looked. There, out of the ashes . . . "Oh, no," Harry groaned.

Dumbledore laughed. "Yes. You see, Harry, Voldemort is part of the Order of the Phoenix. He can carry immensely heavy loads, and his tears have healing powers."

Harry groaned once more and Ron took up his chorus of "Bloody hells" in time to the music as it built. The ashes were stirring. Something was in there. Something . . . evil . . .

It was the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of DOOM!!
The slippers waved it's wand. 1000 Dementors entered the room. He struggled for his wand but then saw that the Dementors were arguing who should get to wear the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom. Harry sat entransified (I don't think that's a real word but who cares, fanfiction is a language all its own) by the argument but then suddenly there was a cry from the other end of the room.

"Shut up, I'm trying to think," Dumbledore shouted angrily, rummaging through his closet. "I absolutely cannot decide what to wear tonight on my hot date with Minerva!"

"What?!?" Everyone cried.

"Oh, didn't you know?" Dudley inquired casually from the doorway. "In 3.67% of fanfics, Dumbledore is paired with McGonagall."

"I'd prefer Arabella Figg," Dumbledore mused, "But no one seems to have thought of that..."

"Excuse me," The Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom interrupted. "You're supposed to be trying frantically to defeat me, not discussing Albus's love life!"

"Oh, right," Hermione mumbled abashedly, and everyone began discussing possible strategies with a sect of anti-Evil Pink Bunny Slipper Dementors.

"Of Course!" Daisy the exchange student, who had entered the room with Dudley grinning and holding his hand, groaned. "Voldemort's whole obsession with being immortal-which, being so very buddy buddy with you, I know all about... you can make yourself immortal by enchanting part of your being into a pair of fuzzy pink slippers and wearing them at all times-when you die, your mind and powers live on in the slippers, but there're only two ways to destroy it."

"Wh-what?" Hermione asked fearfully. "Does it involve breaking my perfectly polished nails?"

Daisy-Sue giggled. "Oh no...the only antidote for Pink Fluffy slippers of doom is for a pink, fluffy Dementor to chew on them...or the person's daughter to throw herself into a bottomless chasm."

"Voldemort doesn't have any daughters, soo-" Ron began.

"Don't be silly, Ron, surely you know that in 3% of fanfictions, the exchange student is in some way related to Voldemort, of course?" Daisy whipped up a bottomless chasm in the middle of Dumbledore's office.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Dudley screamed.

"Don't be silly, Dudlykins," she giggled heroically. "Everyone knows that in fanfictions, if a Mary-Sue sacrifices herself for her friends, she's bound to come back to life later on."

"Oh, alrighty then," he shrugged, kissing his love goodbye.

And Daisy Riddle plunged into the bottomless abyss.

"Argh," screamed the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of DOOM as they spontaneously combusted once again, this time into a pile of what looked like the contents of a pink pixie stick.

"Mmmm, sugar," cackled Goyla as S/he placed his/her face into the mound.

Suddenly, in his place, there stood a pink, fluffy necromancer.

Harry wondered what was going on but then there was a whoosh and he was spinning really really fast in a whirl color. He landed on the ground. He got up and looked around. Something was... different. "How did I end up on the grounds?" Harry wondered out loud. A familiar voice that he had never heard before came from behind Harry. "Well, in 15.486376% of fanfictions," A voice replied, "you for no good reason at all travel back in time to." It was the Marauders.

Sirius smiled at him, brushing long black hair out of his perfect blue eyes. (For some reason all fics that portray a young Sirius seem to make him have shoulder-length hair.) He was, of course, in his school robes, but utterly dashing. Back in the corner of the lawn Harry could see a line of policemen holding back a crowd of screaming girls and remembered that all ff writers agreed his godfather had been a bit of a ladies' man.

Remus had brown hair, of course, and a cute, shy smile. He was not as tall as Sirius but not as short as Peter, and he was also considerably hot. Harry recalled that 85.3698% of Marauders writers were hopelessly in love with him.

James, the tallest, has already been described as looking very much like Harry ('sides, no one has a crush on him; he's Lily's) and Peter's evil and short and chubby and no one has a crush on him, so they can be skipped over. (Yes, for some reason Harry was also attracted to Remus and Sirius; they were that hot!)

Heh, heh . . .

"Umm, who's that?" Harry asked, pointing to a girl who had appeared out of nowhere.

"My girlfriend," Remus said, putting an arm around her. "In the time-honored tradition, Rhea has written herself into this story." And, of course, there I was, a pretty little thing with green eyes, red hair, and freckles.

"And that?" Harry asked, pointing to another girl who had come up and taken Sirius' hand.

"Jess." Because, of course, I had taken the best Marauder for myself and given my best friend her second choice, but hey, at least she's in it, right? Oh, and she had long brown hair and blue eyes and is extremely cute, too.

Harry sighed. "Great. I know what's coming next, then."

And he did. Anyone want to be Peter's girlfriend? Please give us an ample description of yourself and we will, of course, write you in. (Sorry, Ron's been taken too many times to count, and so has Harry, but the only spot open is Peter's girlfriend (or bf, if you really wish) so don't come in here asking if you can have Harry or Hermione or whomever, because they're taken to the nth power, got it? Only Peter. Whew. Was I clear enough on that?)

So as the Marauders (a term, by the way, completely invented by ff authors to describe James Potter and his friends because they created a map by that name...) smiled lovingly at their significant other (for Lily was there with James as well, flipping her long auburn hair, and flashing her emerald eyes intelligently), except for Peter, who scowled at them all.

Harry pulled Sirius aside to try to find out what was going on, since Sirius was his godfather. "What's going on?" Harry asked urgently. "Why are we here?"

Sirius looked up absently. "Huh? Did you say something, Harry?"

"Were you staring at Remus and Rhea?" Harry asked, distracted from his current predicament by any possibility of love gossip.

Sirius shrugged. "What can I say? I'm insanely jealous of her. Look at her hang on his arm and giggle. He needs some one real... Like me."

Harry felt sympathetic; he knew how tangled Hogwarts love triangles could get.

"I'm sorry," he said to the young Sirius.

"Are you really?" Sirius said eagerly, perking up. "Will you help me then?"

Harry looked puzzled and scratched his head. "With what?"

Sirius sighed. "Duh. With getting Remus to like me."

Harry nodded, happy to put the confusing situation of being thrown back in time out of his head and concentrate on something more important.
Just then, Ron came over and announced...

"Damn, that Rhea is hot. Is Remus all that attached to her?"

"Huh?" Harry frowned. This was all too convenient.

"Oh, come on, Harry," Hermione said, flipping her hair over her shoulder and for the moment forgetting the fact that she was pregnant with . . . er . . . someone's baby. "Don't you get it? Rhea's writing this. Just because she started out with Remus doesn't mean she cares if they break up, so long as she gets someone else. 'Course, she'll have to find someone else for Jess, too, but Sirius and Remus'll be happy."

Harry nodded dazedly. "Well, right, then. We just need a plan to get this to work."

Ron's eyes lit up. "I have an idea!"

"Any good?" Hermione scoffed.

"It involves French maid costumes," he said tantalizingly.

"Well, then, tell us!" Harry said.

Ron smirked and said . . .


"Sirius, you don't happen to know your, ah, measurements?" Ron asked, actually blushing a bit.

"Excuse me?" Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"It's just . . . I happen to conveniently know someone in this time who knows how to sew and could make you a really smashing French maid outfit that I'm sure would have Remus floored."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "That's it? That's your entire plan?"

"Well, yeah." Ron sounded a bit put out. "Why, d'you think it's missing something?"

Hermione just smiled.

Hermione rolled her eyes.
"Of course it's missing something, you ninny! This is a fanfiction- he has to have lots of fabulous accessories."

"Oh, yeah!" Ron remembered, smacking his head. "Sorry about that. Hey, who votes to get into horrible danger so Rhea can heroically sacrifice herself for us? Maybe Jess too; we won't even have to get them new boyfriends."

"Me." voted Sirius eagerly.
"Me too" agreed Harry
"Me three" confirmed Hermione
"Me four," Peter added with a cackle of maniacal laughter.

"Alrighty then," Harry said, rubbing his hands together. "Which do we do first?"

"Costume!" Sirius chimed, clapping his hands together eagerly. "Please, let's do the costume first!"

Hermione grinned, pulled out one of her long, sleek brown hairs and transfigured it into a pearly, fluffy black feather duster. "Okay then, practice suggestive tickling on the fat lady, Ron, you summon up that seamstress-pronto! This is important!"

"Well, she's not really a seamstress..." Ron began awkwardly.

"Who is she?" Hermione interrupted suspiciously.

"My mum."

About this time Rhea had to interrupt to tell them that, no matter what, neither she nor Jess would sacrifice themselves for the others on any conditions, so they'd better fix their plans a bit. Say, hook her up with Ron - Ron was agreeable - and find someone for Jess. "But I like the whole idea of Sirius in a French maid costume," she added, "and I won't let on, but you'd better go find your mom now."

Which was, of course, keeping in step with the whole fanfic idea, especially because it was impossible for Ron's mom to be at school and the Marauders to be sixteen and gorgeous (not that being gorgeous has anything to do with Mrs. Weasley) but, anyway, Ron went off to find her. When he explained what they were going to do, she opened her mouth and said . . .

"Of course I believe that you are my son from the future and of course I will make you a French maid costume for your friend, but I must ask, what on earth are you wearing?"

Ron looked down at his shabby hand me down robe and said, "Oh, just Charlie's old robe that was Percy's and George's before it was mine."

"Goodness," his mother exclaimed. "Are we that poor in the future?"

Ron turned red and yelled, "Why does everyone have to make such a big deal about how much money we have? That's all anyone ever talks to me about!" And he stomped off.

However, as he pondered the plan on his way back to see Harry, he was cheered considerably by the thought of Sirius in a French maid costume and Rhea falling for him. For once, he would be getting what he wanted...

Well, so he thought. When he got back to the group he was met by Rhea . . . except she was hanging all over another redhead, who, for all he knew, could have been his identical twin. Ron shook his head to clear it and turned to his best friend. "Harry, what the hell is going on?"

Except Harry didn't have a scar and he must have been wearing blue colored contacts. "I'm not Harry. I'm Dan. I only play him in the movie."

Ron's jaw dropped. "And he's . . . "

"Rupert Grint. And he plays you, I guess. But I still think this is all a dream." Dan shook his head. "Man, I've read some of these fanfic things . . . but never an actual I-meet-Harry-Potter one."

"Yeah, I was bored with the you-change-places-with-Harry ones," Rhea said. "Hey, wait . . . if you're here . . ."

"Then what?" Ron asked, exasperated.

"Then we only need to do the French maid costume to get Remus and Sirius together. I've a new prospect." And, with a snap of her fingers, Sean Biggerstaff appeared.

"Oliver Wood?" Ron asked.

Rhea just rolled her eyes and went off with Sean in tow to find a more private corner.

Hermione laughed. (It was her, because she was the one who'd gone through the make-over.) "Well, on with the plan."

"We need a seamstress" said Ron. Suddenly a blonde, skinny girl appeared "I can sew really good." Everyone except Rupert and Dan said, "Who are you?" The boys screamed. "Britney Spears!" "Ok guys let's get cracking." An hour later everyone was dressed in their French maid costumes. "Ok guys move out." She got ready to disappear.


"Ok troops head out." Said Hermione who now looked very pregnant.

Sirius ducked behind another bush ("There seem to be a lot of those around," Emma noted) and changed into the frilly black-and-white silk concoction. Finally it seemed Remus had noted something was up. "Has anyone seen Rhea?"

"In one of the bushes with Sean," Hermione said.

"Who?"

"The guy who plays Oliver," Emma supplied. "And don't even go looking for the boys who play Harry and Ron."

"Except you might find them if you get the wrong bush," Hermione pointed out. "Because, unlike the general fanfic consensus, you can't Apparate or Disapparate on Hogwarts grounds!"

"Sheesh, calm down," Remus said, but, at that moment Sirius emerged in full French maid splendor. For a while Remus only stared, mouth hanging open, but when he finally managed to put his eyes back in the first word out of his mouth was . . .

"Run" and so he did.  Sirius' face fell. "But he's supposed to say 'wow'"

"I have an idea!" shouted Emma. She pulled out a yo-yo. And grabbed Hermione's wand ("HEY!") and shouted "Accio Remus" "HEY! Muggles can't do magic!" shouted Hermione but Remus came anyway. Emma then hypnotized him to take Sirius into a bush. Then it suddenly dawned on Harry

"You didn't tell them to go to a empty bush..."

Just then they heard a scream.............

"Well, I couldn't remember which ones were empty!" she snapped as Brittney, (uh-oh, who was that, Ron?) and someone else fled into another bush, which, of course, was empty, since no one's about to interrupt me and Sean.

"There," Emma said proudly. "That worked, didn't it?"

Harry cleared his throat. "Umm, isn't there usually some purpose as to why I go back in time? Not just the make-out factor I mean. Isn't there something I have to do?"

Hermione shrugged. "Sure, but at the moment Rhea's busy, and unless someone else magically appears- "

"How else would they?" Emma muttered.

"-So then we're stuck staring at bushes. Except we could always go back to the mystery of who the father is," she piped up happily.

Harry and Rupert shared a look "I don't think . . . "

Suddenly Hermione disapparated and aparated back again.  "Wait I can't disapparate on Hogwarts grounds!" She said before disapparted again.

"Ok that was weird." said Harry looking at Rupert. But Rupert wasn't there. He and Emma, and a team of archeologists were excavating a T-rex fossil. Now he was all alone. "What should I do now? No Voldemort, No Ron and Hermione, and no Qudditch..." But he didn't notice the movement at the end of the grounds. (and no it wasn't someone making out)


Suddenly the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom appeared and attached himself to Harry's feet.

"Muahahahahaha! Now I will control Harry Potter and turn him evil and use him to take over the world!"
"Hey get off of me! Why can't you go bother someone else?"
"Because there is a small but significant number of fanfics that involve you being evil."
"Oh yeah I forgot about that. Now should we blow up the Himalayas or attack the British Parliament?"
All of a sudden someone appeared in the shadows.

"Who are you?"
"I'm Frodo Baggins. Hmmm this isn't Mordor -"
"Enough chit chat. For my first act of EVIL, I will feed you to the wolves! Muahahahahahahaha!"
"NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"

Harry snapped his fingers and Remus came running.

"Wait come back!" Sirius was crying in the distance. The clouds shifted and the full moon appeared.

"I'm hungry Harry give me hobbit." he transformed. Just as Harry was about to feed Frodo to wolf-Remus, when Sirius (pausing from his crying for a moment) shouted, "Look in the sky it's a bird!"

"No it's a plane" Harry said (pausing from feeding Frodo to Remus)

"No," said Frodo, "it's- it's- it's........"

"Hedwig?" said Harry, "What are you doing here?"

"I told you it's a bird."
Hedwig had a roll of parchment in her beak. Harry took it out. It read:

Harry,

Come back to the present now!!! Since in 32.6% of all ff's we host another Triwizard tournament... we need you!"

Fondly,

Albus Dumblydork

"I need a timeturner" said Harry."

"I have one." said Voldemort taking it off.

"No, I can't take it. In 98.5% of fanfics I have to go on an adventure to get what I want."

"Okay." said Voldie ("It's Voldemort!" "Shut Up Voldie.")

Suddenly everyone disappeared. "What the..." Harry says but before he could finish a giant maze grew up before him.

"What's this?" he asks. Suddenly a voice said, "Go through it and at the end is a time-turner."

"Who are you?"

"I'm your inner thought master. You have me in 67.2% fanfics and in 54.1% fanfics you tell me to shut up."

"Well stay now."

"Ok." And with a deep breath Harry entered the maze.