Note: There a few first person references (I was, I had) in chapter 2 so please note that part was not written by me. (See disclaimer)

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Hermione cleared her throat loudly. "And what about us?" she asked, twirling a lock of hair.

"Doofus, we just stand here and wait for him to do whatever and get us back to the future. Er, now," Ron said, explaining the role of sidekick beautifully.

"Always?" Emma wanted to know. "I've read a few fics where he runs into trouble and desperately needs our help, so we run in and save the day."

"Only to find out it's all a movie set and his scar's been painted on," Dan agreed.

"Hey, wait," Ron said, irritated. "Since when did you guys start writing this? And where's Rhea when you need her?"

The others gave him a look.

He sighed. "Right, well, we need someone to tell us what to do now that Harry's gone."

"I play him in the movie," Dan piped up defensively.

"Bully for you. You wave around a stick and hope the props department gets it right," Rupert said crossly. "And I'm sick of all the stupid lines. If anyone ever quotes 'Why couldn't it have been follow the butterflies?' to me again, I'm quitting."

Meanwhile the Marauders simply shook their heads. "We need help, and fast," James said, shouting it to the sky like we fic writers somehow live on clouds.

And, lo and behold . . . "Look!" Peter shouted, pointing. "It's . . . "

Emily.

"Hi Guys."

"Who are you" asked Hermione."

"I'm Emily a fic writer and I've come to give you advice on what to do."

(Note: Again that's not me)

"Well hurry up do tell." said Rupert

"You guys go in the maze after Harry just in case something bad happens to him." says Emily.

"What if nothing happens?" asked Ron.

"Trust me I know something will happen."

"Ok." said the gang and they all went in the maze.

Then Emily realized she was all alone and couldn't get off Hogwarts grounds(for some unknown reason)

"Wait for me" she shouted but as she entered the maze she realized the gang was gone and then she heard the door lock. The only way out wass to get to the timeturner.

"I hope something delays them all of them and nobody gets seriously hurt or killed." Then she realized there were three paths. Which one should she take? 

While Emily was struggling to catch up to the group of monsters she had helped to create, there was quite a fight going on between Hermione and Rupert.

"What makes you think you know which way the timeturner is?" Rupert demanded.

"It's simple logic, really..."

"Logic? Do you think you're really a genius just because you play one in the cinema?" Rupert asked Hermione, laughing.

"You half wit, I am Hermione! It's your sweetheart over there who plays me at the cinema," she exclaimed exasperated.

Rupert blushed. "Right, then. Lead on...But she's not my girlfriend, you know..."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Is that supposed to excite me? Cause I'll have you know that Severus' lines are much better than yours, and he's an old dirty man..."

Rupert opened his mouth to reply indignantly, but something flew into it. It was an arrow. Actually, a dud arrow, but there, out of the hedge clambered a tall figure with pointy ears. He frowned. "You are not hobbits."

Ron coughed, as the fake arrow had turned to smoke and was now forcing its way down his throat. "No," he gasped.

"But this seems to be where we meet the Lord of the Rings characters," Hermione said.

"That would be correct. Ow." A girl - human - stumbled out behind Legolas, pulling branches from her hair.

"Rhea?!"

She rolled her eyes. "Sheesh, she's on her way to Vegas right now. I'm her better half, Tanardawen. Don't you ever check sig updates?"

"Narda, what is going on here?" Legolas asked.

"Well, she -" this new girl pointed to Emily "- has decided that they are all going to what, wait here for Harry to come out? I say we go in after him."

"What, and look for halflings along the way?" Ron chortled, but Legolas had drawn another arrow - a real one this time.

"We go to aid our friends. Onward!" And he ran into the maze, Rhea - er, I mean Tanardawen, since Rhea's the one with Sean, right? Right. - ran after him.

The rest of them shrugged and followed. Meanwhile, getting back to Harry, we find our hero had already run into President George W. Bush. The Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom whispered to Harry-"Persuade him to reek havoc on the whole United States so Britain will become the superpower of the world and I-"
"Voldie" said Harry.
"IT'S VOLDEMORT!! I, Voldemort will rule the world! Muhahahaha!"
"Okay, okay just stop that laugh. 78.43569032% of fanfics start with me waking up to a dream with that laughter in it."
"Fine." said the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom, crossing their pink arms.
"President Bush, will you reek havoc on the US?"
Bush stood there for a few minutes until-

"We're going to start a conflict with Iraq! Start up the draft! YEHAW!!"

Having found the perfect 'strategy' to ruin the US, W. scampered off through the bushes (tripping over several random couples along the way).

Harry laughed at the comic figure and turned back to Voldie ("Voldemort!") and the Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom. "So, are you going to help me find the time-turner, or what, big V?"

Voldie cringed at the nickname, but cackled, "So Harry Potter is asking for mighty Lord Voldemort's help?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "Let's stop with all this dramatic stuff. I'm not bowing down to you and your evil ways, I'm just really lost..."

Voldie's face fell. "Oh. Well, I guess I can help you anyway..."

Just as they got started on their way Percy Weasley stepped out of a bush hugging close to his chest the single bone that used to be Mr. Bartemus Crouch Sr, while screaming, "I found you my love and mentor! Your awful son thought he could end our secret love affair just by killing you while in your pitiful mental state and the proceeding to bury you in the ground like some common cabbage seedling from Hagrid's garden!"
It was then that poor Pecry realized he was not alone, and that Fred and George popped out of a hedge screaming, "I KNEW HE BROKE UP WITH THAT CLEARWATER BROAD FOR A REASON!"
Percy, in a desperate attempt to take the spotlight off of himself so he could run away with his "love", asked very loudly "Hey! Weren't we just wondering about Harry?"

Narda rolled her eyes. "No, we were just wondering about Harry. You just showed up out of nowhere, so far as I can tell."

"And where did those two come from?" Emma asked, pointing at the twins. "And which set are you?" The rest of the group came around the bend as well, Legolas with bow in hand, eyes darting about for any sign of a hobbit.

"We're Forge and Gred," one of them said.

"The real ones, then," Ron sighed, though they had just noticed Emma.

"Hey, you look a lot like Hermione . . . "

"Except a lot less pregnant . . . "

"And you're hair's not so bushy . . . "

Harry rolled his eyes to the sky. "God, not an Emma-George-Fred triangle! Anything but that!"

The Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom cackled. "You said anything," they warned, just as there was a bright flash of light. When the smoke cleared, Harry rubbed his eyes and looked around. His jaw dropped. He couldn't be seeing this. . . .

Behind a very high bush were, to Harry's surprise, Lily Evans and Remus Lupin.

"Mom?" he said, interrupting.

Lily managed to pull herself from Remus' lips. "Who're you?"

Harry looked hurt. "I'm your son, Harry. You know, your and James' son?" He looked at her expectantly.

"Me and James?" she looked at Harry in disbelief. "I don't think so. I'm quite sure Remie and I will be together forever."

Looking at Lily suspiciously, Harry backed away. "What's she talking about?" he asked Hermione, who was still the brains of the operation despite her "delicate" condition.

"It is a common theme in fanfics for Lily to be romantically involved with one, or all of the Marauders," Hermione explained. "Well, most usually Remus, but come to think of it, I don't think there has been one documented case of Lily falling for Peter..."

"Well we've got to do something," Harry said. "If she marries Lupin, I won't be born."

"This reminds me of a movie I saw once," Emma said, and began humming the music to 'Back to the Future.'

"We can't interfere," Hermione said crossly. "We could change the entire future of the world. Besides, I have a huge craving for vomit flavored Bertie Bott's Every Flavor beans." When no one jumped to get her some, she roared at Ron, "GET ME SOME BERTIE BOTT'S!!"

"She's scary," Ron said under his breath as he ran away, "an Iron Chef, but scary."

Oh yes, as the temporary narrator of this tale, I would like to mention Hermione's interest for cooking with raw squid and a mallet. She learned this from a house elf who's secret lover had been eaten by the giant squid in the Hogwarts lake. They had been going for a stroll when the deceased house elf suggested preparing calamari for the next Hogwarts ball. That put the squid over the edge, causing him to mangle the tiny body of the little servant.

Hermione and the house- elf, who's name was Jinky the Winky, smuggled in a TV and learned all they could from the muggle cooking show. Although she had never really been on the show, she told all her uh… "friends" that she had guest hosted for an entire season. So when Ron was speaking of Hermione's "secret talent", he was only half right, as he usually is.
So off Ron scampered to collect all the Bertie Bott's Vomit Every Flavor Beans on the continent of Europe. His first stop however, was to Border's to buy the newest Harry Potter book: Harry Potter and the Fan Fictions gone Awry by a bunch of P.O. ed fans.
 

"Wicked," Ron said, picking it up and paying exactly what it was worth - half a button and some pocket lint. Then, armed with Bertie Botts, he returned to the maze.

Hermione eagerly seized the bag, but her face fell. "Ron, I had a craving for the vomit flavored ones five minutes ago! Now it's creamed spinach."

"I'll go," Harry volunteered, yelling "Accio Firebolt" and somehow having it come back in time to exactly where he was standing.

"What the hell, Harry," Ron said, nose in the book. "It says here you learn how to Apparate mysteriously within a few paragraphs of most fics."

"Oh. Right." Harry shrugged and the broom disappeared with a small pop. Then Harry Disaparated.

"On Hogwarts grounds!" Hermione said indignantly. "Let me see that." She snatched the book from Ron. "Ach! Why can't fans bit a bit more precise?"

"Because we're not always interest in being precise," Narda said, linking her arm through Legolas'. "Sometimes it's simply a means of putting our daydreams on the Internet for all the world to see."

"But you forgot to add the hobbits," the elf said, a bit disappointed.

"Ooh, let me!" Emma squealed, grabbing Hermione's wand - "Hey!" - to give it a good swish and flick, yelling something incomprehensible. When the smoke cleared, everyone looked around expectantly. . .

only to see Danny DeVito screaming something in a cell phone about wanting to be a hobbit in the Return of the King. Hermione began bellowing at Emma for not even knowing a simple hobbit summoning charm. Legalos fainted at the sight of the horrid little man. Rupert could be heard muttering something about elves being pansies.
Danny DeVito noticed his surroundings were no longer his luxurious Beverly Hills estate. "Where the hell am I? What happened to my house? WHY IS MY CELL PHONE IN ROAM!? You little munchkins are going to pay any long distance fees I get!"
Ron, looking up from his new favorite book, was utterly appalled by what this obviously vertically challenged man was saying. "You, little leprechaun man, are in Scotland at the prestigious Hogwarts School of uh... BACON GREASE! Yeah! The Hogwarts School of Bacon Grease is an academy devoted to the study of bacon grease and its effects on Evil Pink Bunny Slippers."
"Hey! I resent that!" barked Voldemort.
A resounding "SHUT UP!" could be heard all over the Hogwarts School of Bacon Grease grounds. A young Hagrid (keep in mind it IS the 70's) poked his out a new looking hut and said, "Could you please try and keep the noise level down. I'm entertaining some of my acquaintances from my alma mater, Oxford."

Then there was a pop and the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom turned back into Lord Voldie.
"VOLDEMORT!! NOT VOLDIE!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU AS-" But Lord Voldie got a hoarse throat and could not finish his sentence and started wildly waving his hands around for some water. Then everyone noticed that his shorts were moldy!

"OH NO! I've lost my frying pans" said Hermione.

Then appearing out of nowhere. . . well, actually out of Hagrid's hut, came Merry and Pippin. "What ho, who goes there?" asked Pippin.

"Cherrio old chap, just a couple of wizards," Merry said, rolling his eyes.

Legolas blinked. "Where are Frodo and Sam? And what are you doing here?"

"Having tea with our old friend Hagrid, what what!"

"Discussing our jolly days at Oxford, old chap."

Just then Harry reappeared with five large bags of Bertie Botts in his hands. "Oh, Harry," Hermione moaned, "Now I'm in the mood for mashed carrot flavor!"

"Got 'em right here." Harry passed a bag over.

Ron, still reading his book, nodded. "Yep, some fanfics have Harry become psychic for convenience only."

"Kind of hard to continue the story until she gets over her cravings," Narda pointed out.

"Quite right," Pippin agreed.

"We're in a story? Bloody hell!" Merry exclaimed.

"Hey, hey, hey - in most fanfics, that's my trademark," Ron warned.

"But we must find Frodo and the Ring," Legolas said, looking a bit confused.

"And we have to find ourselves a timeturner," Harry sighed. "And somebody has to get rid of him and those." He pointed to Voldemort and his moldy shorts, in that order.

Narda shook her head. "Sorry. Writer's block. We have to wait for someone else to show up."

Harry sighed and asked the stupid leading question that has a most obvious answer: "Could this get any worse?"

"Yesssss." a croaking voice could be heard from underneath one of the maze's walls. "Must give Gollum his preeeeeecious."

"May the plague of the dwarves be upon she who brought this foul creature into the story!" Legolas scowled as he dragged Gollum out from beneath the hedge.

"Let go of Gollumsessss!" the decrepit old hobbit cried, his limbs flailing desperately to get out of the elf's grasp. "Give Gollum his preeeeeeciousss!"

Hermione sighed and rolled her eyes, nose scrunched up in thought. "If I remember correctly, Gollum, Frodo has it. He's with Samwise Gamgee at the moment, waiting for you to guide them into Mordor and then betray them-so scoot!" With that she snapped her fingers and, to all of our relief, banned Gollum from the Harry Potter Universe for (almost) ever.

Legolas clenched his teeth in frustration. "Hermione."

"Yes, sweetie?" Dang, too bad she hadn't met him before . . . that was one DNA test she wouldn't mind if it proved true.

Noticing the endearment the ever-faithful elf put an arm around Narda. "I am trying to find Sam and Frodo," he said evenly with an air of pleasantness.

"So?"

"God, is she really this mush of a ditz?" Emma asked.

"Well, she can memorize the books in no time flat," Harry said softly.

"Ah."

Legolas took a deep breath. "You just sent Gollum off to Frodo and Sam. Not me; Gollum."

"Well, he's not all that cute." She twirled a lock of hair.

"Ron, what's going on?" Rupert asked.

"Well, something seems to be wrong. We've the pregnant, made-over Hermione, but I think somehow she's melding with the ditzy blonde from America." He frowned. "But I can't be sure."

"What does this have to do with the one ring?" Legolas exploded. "Where in the name of some famous elf I'm going to make up right now - "

"Sheraniel," Narda suggested.

"Perfect." He straightened his braids and started again. "Where in the name of Sharaniel are Frodo and Sam?"

"I can answer that!" said Hagrid, coming back towards them with a pink blouse. "They are at Oxford!"
"What?" Rupert exclaimed

"That's what I said! A person gets expelled from Hogwarts, and suddenly, everything they say is accompanied by 'what!'."
"So what are we waiting for? Let's go to this Oxford place that this giant man speaks of!" replied Legalos.
"Hey who're you callin' a giant, Blondie?" roared Hagrid.
"You, beeetch!" shrieked Legalos, beginning to claw at Hagrid's flesh, his arrows entirely forgotten.
The surroundings suddenly changed from the Hogwarts School of Bacon Fat to the set of The Jerry Springer Show, where the topic of the day was 'I am a magical being, who feels as if I've been insulted by another, more inferior magical being'.