Non-writers please note that 80% of this was already written before Order of the Phoenix came out

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Butler stared at Ron in awe of this sudden bout of fanfiction-ish out of character-ism, then shot the cereal box clean off his head with his favorite sniper pistol.

"Hmm, since this is a fanfiction," Butler mused, "And everyone seems to act out of charcter in fanfictions, maybe I should fall hopelessly in love with someone...hey, maybe a guy! That would never happen in the actual Artemis Fowl books, so it must be CREATIVE!"

"Butler, desist at once!" Artemis demanded, his fists clenched threateningly. The he turned to Kelpy with an angry expression on his face.
"You see, it has begun already! Your creative little idea is going to lose me my bodyguard!"

Kelpy hung her head shamefacedly. "Yeah, the fanfiction crossover thing never works, does it? But as I said, there are safe places...like my fanfiction."

"Your fanfiction?" everyone asked incredulously. "You have a...?"

"Oh yes...please view the signature lines. Everyone in the fanfiction either has their own fic or is a frequent reader of them-it's like having a house! A lot of them aren't very well protected against the sins and temptations of the fanfiction dimension, but mine is...most of the time. There are a few leaks, but at least you won't start acting out of character..."

Artemis nodded, his face puckered in a scowl of thought. "I understand, Kelpy, but we really can't...the Artemis Fowl characters would completely mess up your fanfiction, throw everything out of whack...It would be best if we just went into some other dimension...any suggestions?" he asked the general audience.

But the general audience didn't answer because they were enthralled by the fight between Hermione and Moldie Voldie's Mom when suddenly there was a shout. "I HAVE COME TO DESTROY YOU ALL!!!! FEAR ME!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!!" The Dark Lord Dobby had returned.

 "I have come to avenge the death of my particularly horrible, mustard colored sock!" squeaked the Dark Lord Dobby, in what was supposed to be a menacing voice. He came with the most dangerous weapons of the universe, with his flock of Cornish Pixies and a peculiar object that only the Muggle oriented members of the group knew of: a television. Currently on this television was an episode of The Simpson's.
"Oooh!" shrieked Daniel and Artemis in unison. "Wait, you like the Simpson's too?" again, they answered simultaneously. "Jinx!"
"The Simpson's is my favorite show. I admire the way Monty Burn's is always plotting to take over the world with some devious scheme," said Artemis. "I've never told anyone this, but he's always been my idol. Not my nincompoop of a father. That blasted author, Eoin Colfer, only wrote it that way so people would actually read his books past the first page, instead of turning on the tele It's like Slim Fast, they get you hooked…."
Daniel shifted uncomfortably in his seat before responding with, "Really? I never would've guessed. Of course you can kind of see the paleness you both have. Watching The Simpson's is my way of coming home after a hard day's work of being Harry Potter and unwinding. I mean, the guy always manages to get into the worst scrapes, and I have to portray him in his stupid, life story. Oww!" (Daniel sustained numerous blows to the head from the Harry Potter Fan Club members, i.e. Ginny and Colin.)
"Well… I'm not ashamed to admit it, but all those hours I spend "researching" are really devoted to all things Harry Potter related: rumours (he's Irish), countdowns for the movie and books, and the fan fics! Oh the glorious fan fics! I've even started one my own, it's called Afraid to Love: A Harry + Cho + Malfoy Story. It seems to be doing well as I have two devoted readers. Of course, it's only Butler and his sister Julia... Did I just say that out loud?"

"Oh, I read it, too, Arty!" Narda piped up. "I'm just too shy to respond."

Legolas stopped jumping around with his bow and arrow to give her a look. "I thought you only read my work," he pouted.

Narda winced. "Oops. Forget I said anything."

Ron tried to conceal his mirth, but it did not escape Legolas.

"What do you find so amusing, red headed lad?" With this question came a look so menacing it would have caused lesser men to faint.

But Ron was no ordinary man, so immune to the elf's stare, he giggled, "What does an elf write fanfiction about?"

Without changing his expression, Legolas replied, "How would you like it if I showed you?"

Before Ron knew what was happening, the scene around him and all the people in it, from Harry to Rupert to Frodo melted away. He looked warily around him and realized what must have happened. Legolas had trapped Ron into the elf's own fanfiction.

Ron was standing in the middle of a beautiful green field spotted with daisies. Legolas was in the background, skipping happily hand in hand with what looked suspiciously like Daniel Radcliffe.

"I sincerely hope this is from before you met me," Narda called loudly.

Ron whirled. "Woah. You followed me? Anyone else come along, too?"

"No. Just me. And I have a bone to pick with that man. Elf." She crossed her arms as Legolas and - yep, it was Dan - skipped closer. "He has a lot of explaining to do."

Legolas pulled at the collar of his shirt. "I, uh, thought he was you?"

Narda rolled her eyes. "All right, keeping in fic form, I'll let the author - describe me so you can make the comparison." Oh, and I'll be nice.

Narda has long red hair and bright, crystal-clear green eyes, and a full figure (ie, she ain't skinny, but ain't fat) and -

"All right, enough already!" Legolas interrupted, looking ticked. "I'm her to show Ron my fic, all right? Not to get chewed out by some mortal. Sheesh, after Arwen and Aragorn, they all think it'll happen to them."

Narda slapped him.

Well, since he was being completely ignored by everyone except Kate (another author), Dark Lord Dobby decided to travel to Legolas's...um...fanfiction. Taking his army of Cornish Pixies and his television (AHHHH!! EVIL!) with him, Dobby was gone with a loud crack. Well, almost in a crack, because he was delayed by Daniel and Artemis (whom I know nothing about), who were intent on watching all of the Simpsons' seasons on DVD.

When he arrived, Legolas was looking very frightened as he stared at his girlfriend, who had just slapped him.

And somehow, a boy who looked suspiciously like Daniel, had gotten there too. Dark Lord Dobby remembered Daniel arguing with him though. Hmmm...how strange? Anyways, Dobby remembered his purpose(cue suspenseful music).

"WHO HAS KILLED MY BELOVED SOCK??!! WHO?!" he shrilly said, which was obvious to everyone that this was an expression of extreme fury. Then he turned to Legolas, who had a very red handmark on his perfectly smooth cheek (heehee). "AND YOU, SIR, YOU IS A DISGRACE OF A HOUSE-ELF!! AND THAT IS SOMETHING, SIR, BECAUSE I AM A DISGRACED HOUSE-ELF!" Dark Lord Dobby screamed.

Eyeing Narda cautiously, Legolas said, "B-but I'm not-not a house-elf."

"Sure you is, sir...." the Evil Dobby said. Turning to the boy who looked suspiciously like Danny R. he said, "And you, sir, you gave Dobby his sock, which you knew was sickly, sir!"

The boy looked wildly around at the other people in Legolas's ff, for answers. But Dark Lord Dobby gave a war call, and opened the Cornish Pixies' cage door. Kate immediately disappeaed, hoping another author would take her place so she wouldn't be murdered by extremely violent pixies.

"I will save you, fair Narda!" Legolas shouted, crouching low and notching an arrow to his bow.

Artemis, cramming a fistful of crackers in his mouth, barked a laugh. "An arrow against Cornish Pixies?"

"And you're a bit late with the 'fair Narda' thing," Narda said resentfully, crossing her arms. "I mean, honestly . . . you obviously think Danny here has something I don't."

"Yeah, a sense of humor," Legolas whispered. "Ow!" Narda had slapped him again, this time giving him a matching mark on his other cheek. "Hey, you're ruining my perfect looks!" he complained.

"No; you still have your hamburger buns of steel and those wonderful ears," Dan said soothingly. "Wait, did I just say he had nice hamburger buns?"

"Yep," Ron confirmed.

Dan turned a bright shade of red. "Hey, will somebody else please take over? I don't think the pixies could be worse than this . . . "

After Narda slapped him a second time, and the attack of the Dark Lord Dobby (oddly enough I was just thinking earlier today how Dobby and Legolas were both elves, but VERY different...) and his army of cornish pixies was advancing, Legolas put down his bow and stood up straight.

"What are you doing?" Narda screamed. "You have to save fair Narda from the pixies!"

"This is my fanfiction," the elf said, seeming very stately. "And I just realized I don't have to let other authors come in here and mess with it." He coughed in a way that sounded suspiciously like "Kate and Narda," but quickly continued. "And in my fanfiction there is no Dark Lord Dobby, or cornish pixies."

To everyone's amazment, especially the Dark Lord Dobby's, the house elf and his pest army disappeared instantly. Legolas smiled, feeling the power of the pen really was mightier than the power of the bow.

"And there is no Harry Potter or Artemis Fowl," he said, as they disappeared. "Only me and the subject of my fanfiction _________________"

Except that was where Narda cut him off. "I'm in this fic, correct?"

"Uh - of course." Legolas looked like he was walking on hot coals.

"Then you have to listen to what I want too, correct?" She innocently twirled a lock of hair.

"Well - yes, uh, dear."

Narda nodded. "Right. Call Artemis and all the Harry Potter characters back. Besides, leave them out and they kick you off the boards."

"And Artemis?" Legolas asked meekly.

Narda shrugged. "He's funny. Oh, and any authors that want to come. We want a real party."

"Of course we do," a thoroughly defeated elf said, snapping his fingers and bringing us back to five minutes ago, minus the pixies and Dobby." Anything else, meine Fruererin? Er, Narda?"

"Just the authors," she said, sounding satisfied. "Consider this an open invitation."

As our beloved characters popped back into Legolas' fanfiction, Ron smirked at the elf. Elbowing Harry, Ron whispered something to him that made both of them fall to the ground laughing.

Legolas tried to remain aloof and ignore the immature doings of some 14 year old wizards, but his curiosity got the better of him. "What is so funny?" he demanded.

Ron looked at Harry. Harry shrugged, so Ron said, "You are one whipped elf."

Not exactly sure what the slang meant, Legolas could still tell a negative connotation when he heard one. So he drew his bow.

"Now, Ronnikins," a very pregnant Hermione said sweetly (she is still pregnant, right?). "Just because Legolas does what his girlfriend asks doesn't make him 'whipped', does it?" She smiled at him.

Ron blushed. "Of course not-just a joke, dear-never would imply that-" He was interrupted by loud laughter from every other male character in the fanfiction (no one was sure exactly which ones were present). The girls, on the other hand, were looking dreamily at Ron and Hermione, each wishing they could have a relationship like that, not minding that it was slightly marred by Hermione's affair with the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of DOOM.

Sophia (Gwen's alter-ego) appeared with a poof and then proceeded to walk to each of the male characters present and slap each of them. "There is nothing wrong with being what you call 'whipped'. I think it is extremely great and non-stereotypical that Legolas listens and obeys Narda. She is a smart, talented, demanding young woman and deserves every one of your respect. You should all be ASHAMED of yourselves for adhering to the sexism that is today's society."
She looked extremely proud of herself as the male characters present looked at their feet and turned red. "Hmmph. That's what I THOUGHT." Sophia muttered to Gwen as she popped back into Gwen's head.

And then everything went very silent, the light became slightly eerie, and the familiar-but-almost-forgotten Canadian voice of cherrychill boomed from out of the clouds:

"What have you done to my spoof, ignorant mortals?! At first the antics were funny, and you brought up a lot of the flaws in fanfiction, but this is just ridiculous!"

Everyone blinked at the voice oddly.

"Since when are fanfiction authors omnipotent?" Artemis asked incredulously.

"Don't underestimate the power of a keyboard and an obsession with writing, mortal," Legolas warned him, a dangerous glint in his eyes. "In your fanfiction, you are all-powerful."

"Which, in certain cases, is a bad thing," Kelpy grumbled under her breath. "What kind of elf writes fanfiction?" she spat out loud at Legolas. "You're a poor excuse for a Greenleaf, you know that?"

The dangerous glint in Leggy's eyes became an expression of pure rage as he put an arrow to his bow.

"I challenge you to say that again, mortal."

Kelpy lifted her chin arrogantly. "I'm no mortal, oh great snotty elf of middle earth," she informed him briskly, "And I will not say that again. You should have learned from the Ents that words are precious, oh wise wood-elf." A disgusted sneer spread across her face. "You know what you deserve?"

;"What?" Legolas asked dangerously, his bow still drawn.

Kelpy snapped her fingers and smiled evilly as Lucius Malfoy appeared in the grassy field. "This."

Lucius smoothed out his long blonde hair and turned towards Greenleaf.

"Legolas, I am your father," he drawled, staring intently into his son's sharp eyes.

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Draco Malfoy, miles away, somehow obtained a form of the Marauders' Map. This particular showed anyone invisible or not, where ever the reader requested.

At this moment Draco Malfoy had requested to see the land of Leggy's fanfic for some very peculiar reason.

Having seen a dot labeled Lucius Malfoy, Draco became even more interested in the scene than he already was, if that was possible. This map also showed the words of those speaking, because I, the almighty ff author, who manipulates everyone and everything like they are her puppets, says it does. "I am your father." flashed across the map.

Malfoy sat stunned for a few moments, taking deep steadying breaths. But of course, his subconscence, which is me, got the better of him.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" he screamed, much like Luke did in Star Wars (I have little brothers, get it?). The fact that the object of his obsession for many years, Legolas, the perfectly constructed elf, was his brother. Either that, or Draco was adopted, or his mother had an affair.

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Narda blinked. "All right, I was going to thank whoever it was that made some comment about how good Legolas - not Leggy, please; that's my pet name for him - was to obey me, but now I just have one thing to say: how did a wizard father an elf?"

"It's a fanfic, remember? Code 32A, subsection C allows anything to happen," Ron pointed out, ducking as if he expected her to punch him any minute.

"So I'm looking at Lucius as a prospective father-in-law?" Narda clarified.

"Wait - you're not really my father, are you?" Legolas asked.

"Well, it says so in the script . . ."

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Legolas fell to his knees. "I'm not a prince! Good-bye, GAP discounts! Good-bye, Mabelline free handouts! Good-bye, Pantine ProV commercial offers! I'm - I'm - a peasant!"

Suddenly the sky darkened, a bunch of trees sprang up out of nowhere and a bunch of Ents came marching towards them.
"You!" One of them said pointing a Legolas, "Elf man! We got a bone to pick with you!"
"Can you please come back tomorrow? Can't you see I'm mourning?" Legolas sobbed
"THIS IS OUR FANFICTION!! WE GO AWAY FOR JUST A WEEK AND YOU COME IN AND START MESSING WITH OUR THREAD!! LEAVE NOW UNLESS YOU WISH TO FEEL THE WRATH OF THE ENTS!!"
Legolas, got up and took out his bow and arrow, "I'm not scared of you tree freaks." He said coolly.
"Tree freaks? You gonna pay for dat Elf man!"
Lightning flashed overhead, and it started to rain. "WE GONNA GET DA BIG BOSS TO TEACH YOU A LESSON ELF MAN!!" The Ents bellowed
"The big boss? And whom, might that be?"
Suddenly out of the shadows someone appeared.
"SON!" Moldie Voldie's Mom exclaimed
"Why is Moldy Voldie here?" Ron asked
"I'm not Moldy Voldie!" the stranger said, "How could you possibly mistake for that poor excuse for a necromancer? I am MOLDY GOLDY!! Elf man! You goin DOOOOOOOWN!!"
(here it should be mentioned that Ron sniggered even harder at the thought of Ent fanfiction)

"You don't talk to him that way!" Narda snarled, rolling up her sleeves.

"Aw, how cute!" Moldy Goldy said in mock, uh, seriousness, I suppose. "His girlfriend is doing the fighting for him!"

"Come closer and say that," Narda said in a voice that was dangerously soft."

"Hey, no one orders me around!" Moldy Goldy said. "Not even Voldy, and he's older than I am!"

"Chicken!" And Narda started clucking.

Moldy Goldy was fuming. "All right, you asked for it!"

Will Narda defeat Moldy Goldy? Will Legolas ever display an outward sign of being a man? Will this fic ever make sense? Tune in next time, when you'll hear Moldy Voldy/Goldy's Mom say . . .