..."WE ARE THE THREE MUSKETEERS!!" Moldy Voldie/Goldy's Mom exclaimed hugging Ron and Hagrid.

"Eh, Moldie Voldie's Mom, gerroff!" Ron muttered, pushing Moldy fill-in-the-blank's mom away. "I'm supposed to have a crush on Hermione, remember?"

"Yeah, but that was before the slippers incident," Harry said, looking quite pointedly at Hermione's stomach.

"So? At least she's better than Fleur; that girl can't even speak perfect English."

"But her nose is dead center," Harry said thoughtfully.

"And she doesn't have acne," Ron continued.

"Neither do I!" Hermione sputtered. "Remember the summer makeover deal? Yeah, so there!"

Ron wrinkled his nose. "I think we need another author quick before this one gets me killed, don't you think?"

Suddenly, a high, cold laugh came down from the sky. "You want another author's ideas? Let's see how you like this one..." With a crack of thunder, Ron was stripped of his robes. (*The author tried to stifle a giggle, for she was trying to be evil.*) Everyone gasped, not at his magnificent body, but at the shorts that were covering it.

"Your shorts," Harry sputtered. "They're moldy!"

Ron's cute blush changed into the red face of rage. "Yes, that's right! I wear moldy shorts! And do you want to know why?" The madness in his eyes scared Hermione, so she remained still and silent.

"I wear them as a sign of my connection to my brother, the Dark Lord Voldemort!" Grinning maliciously at the crowd's shocked faces, Ron nodded. "Yes, that's right. My dear mother whom everyone loves so much wasn't always so nice. To get back at my father, she slept with one of his Muggle friends, Tom Riddle."

Hermione had recovered enough by this time to say, "Ron, we don't care who your family is. Put your robes back on and let's try to get back to school." She put a hand on his arm and smiled sweetly at him. For a moment, it looked as if Ron would yield to Hermione's suggestion, but instead he decided he wanted to serve his country by joining the military. "Hermione, he said, "it's high time I became a man. And the only way I know how to do that, besides working as the much-hated Hogwarts potions master, is to kick some terrorist butt!"
"Oh Ronniekins! How will I ever survive without you? What if I 'accidentally' forget you?" exclaimed Hermione.
"Well, I can give you this sock I stole from the Dark Lord Dobby as a memento. It's a little smelly, on account of the Dark One's little fungus problem..."
"Oh Darling! It's wonderful! I'll treasure it for always. Just like my genius cat, Crookshanks."
Suddenly, a ginger MALE cat appeared out of a bush that contained some very happy creatures. What were these creatures, you ask? A werewolf, a stag, and a large black dog that had a French maid costume on.
"Harry," spoke the cat that was Crookshanks, "I have something to tell you. I'm the anamagi form of your mother. I've been alive all these years, but I couldn't tell you because I was too embarrassed about… well Harry, on the night Moldie Voldie supposedly killed us, I was given an operation to become who I really am, Lilbert. My sister Petunia never accepted me because of who I really am. She never accepted the fact that I should be a wizard."
"Excuse me, er… Mrs…. no…um…. Mr. Potter, why'd you marry James then? And why have you been posing as my cat for the past 2 years?" asked Hermione.
"Because James isn't really James. His real name is William Shakespeare. He happens to be a brilliant playwright. You really should rent the movie versions of his work. The readable stuff is much too complex for most people's minds. Plus, one of the Romeo and Juliet films has Leo Dicaprio in it! :::everyone swoons while saying 'Oh Leo'!::: And that black dog with the French maid costume is Napoleon Bonaparte. Oh! And the werewolf… well he really is Remus Lupin, but everyone else has been deceiving you your entire life, Harry, And the reason I've been Crookshanks, Hermione, is to gain access to Hogwarts' wonderful Taco Bell/Gas Station. You really should try their chicken quesadilla sometime. " said Lilbert.
Harry, who had been sitting silently for quite some time, finally asked everyone's burning question, "Do you know the Aristocats?"

Currently the Ents and Legolas are having a big fight. (But we won't go into details) Ron got bashed on the head with a giant tree trunk and fainted, Hermione screamed as a horde of killer bees attacked everyone while Moldy Goldy started doing the chicken dance around a stump. In other words: Complete chaos.
"OK!!! THAT'S ENOUGH!! I have come."
"Who are you?" Everyone asked
"Just as 73.6884% of authors do, I have written myself in." said Savage.
Savage snapped his fingers and the surroundings changed. They were no longer in the Ent's ff, and no killer bees were attacking. They were on a tropical island. However, Legolas and Narda were not with them and everyone supposed they were back in the Ent's fanfic. Suddenly someone appeared out of the shadows...(people seem to do that alot in this fanfic don't they?)

"RON!!! LIKE OH MY GOSH I AM YOUR BIGGEST FAN!!!" shouted a blonde girl with pigtails and a t-shirt that said "Kiss me, I'm Ron's Psycho Stalker!"
"Uhhhhh..." Ron began.
"OMG I JUST LOVED YOU SOOOO MUCH IN THE FIRST MOVIE!? YOU ARE JUST SOOO SEXY...I WANNA HAVE YOU LOVE CHILD!!! LET ME KISS YOU!!!" she screamed as she began running towards Ron.
Gwen clothes-lined the teenybopper on Sophia's orders and then popped back into her head.
Everyone was staring at Sophia. "Why'd Gwen clothes-line her?" Ron asked, as he definitely liked the attention.
"Because she was trying to take my man!" Sophia replied as she glided over to Ron and took him behind a bush.
Everyone exchanged a knowing glance except for poor Savage, but nobody felt like explaining the importance of the bushes in this fan fiction again.
All at once several noises came from the horizon...

One of which was the sound of Kelpy's head banging repeatedly against a large math textbook.

thwap...thwap...thwap....

"Augh," She agonized, falling to her knees. "Why the mindless snogging? Why? Why? Why?"

But, realizing that everyone was staring at her oddly, Keply composed herself, and snapped her fingers. She disappeared, and at the same time Narda came floating down from the mountains in a small, oddly shaped vehicle made out of lines of light which was known as a glyph, such as are found on the archipelago of the Abarat. In her hands rested a long golden sword encrusted with enormous red jewels.

"Harry, I'm here to bring you your sword," Narda called, stepping gracefully out of the glyph.

Nobody looked even mildly surprised because this usually happens eventually in Harry Potter fanfiction. The heir of Gryffindor gimmick had long ago lost its interest.

"Harry?" Narda asked, searching through the bushes frantically with the sword slung awkwardly through a belt loop.
"Where is he?"

Everyone joined the search worriedly, wondering whether the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM could possibly have abducted him without their notice. It was always possible, especially in fanfiction, where the rules don't matter and the plot doesn't exist.

It is at this dramatic, anxious point that I will leave you...

But no, it wasn't the Pink Bunny Slippers of DOOOOOOOOOOOOM, it was the very annoying Psycho-fan, which we will call, like, Alexis, like, totally!

After being gated from Ron, she decided that Harry would do. Of course we all know that it was because his messy black hair gives him a rugged look, which those American Psycho-fans adore!

So anyway, she had sidetracked around the group, and clung desperately to Harry. Since bushes always seem to pop up when us fanfiction writers want them to, like, Alexis, like, dragged Harry to the nearest one.

After deciding that Harry would probably be a good replacement for Ron as the father of her child, she pushed him in and dived into the greenery as well. With a thud they landed on two figures dressed in what suspiciously looked like French maid costumes. "Like, EW!!" she exclaimed and pulled Harry out, who was utterly helpless in the hands of the Psycho-fan.

"It was YOU! The Psycho-fan!" gasped Gwen.
"I have, like, a name-uh! It's like, Alexis! I mean, like, DUH! Oh my gawd, RONNIE!" She charged toward Ron, but the still quite pregnant Hermoine made him cleverly disappear and reappear at her side, while shouting, "You can't do that on the Hogwarts grounds!" at the same time.
"But Hermione, we're not on the Hogwarts grounds, we're in my fanfic, remember?" Said Legolas, still fearing Narda's wrath.
But Hermoine's face had gone rigid. She managed to squeak, "It's happening!"

The Ents gasped, "You mean... You mean... YOUR GOING TO HAVE THE BABY??!! RIGHT HERE?! IN OUR FANFICTION??!! THIS IS CURRENTLY A "G RATED" FANFICTION AND IF YOU DO THAT WE COULD GET KICKED OF THE BOARDS FOR EXPLICIT POSTING!!!"
"No, I didn't mean that, my gormet steak dinner is ready." Hermione replied

"It is too my fanfiction!" Legolas cried indignantly. "The Ents are simply controlling you with their mind powers!"

But Ron had something else on his mind. "Hey, Savage? How have we managed to maintain a PG rating with all that goes on in the bushes?"

Savage looked clueless. "Bushes?"

"You haven't seen the bushes? Green leafy things people keep disappearing into?"

"Well, yeah . . . but what does that have to do with anything?" he asked innocently.

Well, folks, I hope you know what this means . . .

Hermione gasped. "Not a PG-13 rating!"

"Well," Narda reasoned, "by age thirteen kids have some concept of . . . things . . . and we could manage a Hermione-disappears-and-comes-back-with-a-kid thing."

"I'm thirteen. . .  At least I think so. . .  ," Savage piped up, but no one was listening.

Hermione shrugged. "Whatever. But I'm hungry, so I'm going to go eat now, since my steak is done. Figure it out while I'm gone, will you?"

While Hermione was gone, a rustling was heard coming from the direction of the bush filed. Even though he characters were used to bush-rustling by now, but decided that they would go check it out anyway. Lo and behold, a man with a shirt that had a large paragraph stating the reasons why being an executive producer was better than being a director on it, popped out.
"Hello! I'm Chris Columbus. You may know me from such movies as Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, Harry Potter and the Chamber of…."
"WAIT!" shouted Hermione, running back into the room with a large steak in her grasp, "You're the guy who directed Home Alone! I LOVE THAT MOVIE!"
"Well yes, I did direct that, but wouldn't you like to hear all about how I shaped your difficult and complex characters into Dan, Rupert, and Emma?"
"Umm…" the original characters had to think about this. While they were thinking, Rupert decided to ask a question to his former director. No, it wasn't to ask if they were being recast because of the new Mexican dude director (- yes, I know his name is Alfonso Cuaron), it was to ask if Chris Columbus had seen "Ruppy's" poetry journal. He'd been writing a poem about the stunningly beautiful and talented author Sophia (Why thank you!) and it had suddenly disappeared. He tried to remember what it had said.

"Your spiked hair
makes my heart go wild,
dreaming of your..."

"POOP!" he exclaimed when he forgot the rest. Chris Columbus was terribly frightened so he decided to go back into the bush and rustle around some more when Chris realized the bush was not empty...

"Hey! GET OUT OF MY BUSH!" yelled Jennifer Lopez, exiting the shrubbery wearing only a sheet. "WHERE'S BEN?! HE'S THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED IN MY BUSH!"
"Whoa, that sounds SO wrong!" said Sophia as she popped out of Gwen's head.
"Go away, Sophia!" yelled Ron. Sophia sadly popped back into Gwen's head.
Jennifer appeared very confused. "Where am I?!"

Everyone exchanged nervous glances. "Well-"

THE END
"What?" Ron exclaimed