.  .  ." How could you end it there?" Addressing Savage who looked utterly oblivious to everything that was going on.
"Didn't you now by now Ron?" Hermione replied, "65.490876% of fanfiction writers tend to unpredictably and mysteriously end the story at the most unreasonable point without even tieing up all the loose ends.

Ron frowned. "But Hermione - didn't you know we've only figured those percentages to only three decimal places?"

"So what?" she asked, flipping her hair over her shoulder. "Just because 85.236984% of fics happen to have me drop by about three hundred IQ points over the summer doesn't mean I have to in every one."

"But Harry's always automatically buffed up and exceptionally hot in every fic," Legolas chimed in. "Uh . . .I mean, so I'm told."

Narda was bored with hitting him. "Only in 98.567%," she said wearily.

"98.566891203%," Hermione corrected smugly.

Someone came up to them in a car, got out and tapped Harry on the shoulder causing him to jump a little. "Hey! What is the meaning of this?" He demanded, "didn't you read the regulations?"
It was Mrs. Figg. "Mrs. Figg? What are you doing here I thought you were a muggle!" But everyone knew Harry was faking being surprised because everyone knows by now that Mrs. Figg who was Harry's babysitter is the Arabella Figg mentioned in book four and in 76.598% of fanfics (76.5984356238956% Hermione corrected) Mrs. Figg is the DADA teacher. "Harry," Mrs. Figg said, "I am your father."
"NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Wait how is that possible I thought James was my dad."
"Its in the script Harry Just because it's in the script doesn't mean it's true. YOU DARE DEFY THE SCRIPT?!"
They were interrupted by the sound of Hermione doing a backflip through the air right on top of poor Ron.
"I thought you were just a mad old muggle lady!" Harry said in fake suprisedness
"No Harry, I'm actually a witch (what a shocking revelation! No one was expecting that*sarcasm*) and I am not as 76.5984356238955% of fanfics seem to have happen, going to be the DADA teacher. I am actually the replacement for the Ronald Mcdonald idiot in those stupid commercials! It was my life long dream to go on TV and torture people with stupid red noses and face paint muahahahahahahahaha! Now I will take over televsion!!!" Mrs. Figg waved her wand and her pants turned MOLDY!
"Spoof on fanfics regulation section 5 'all evil acts must be conducted whilst wearing moldy shorts or being in contact with some form of pink fluffyness'" Hermione staed matter-of-factly-
And so Ron and Mrs. Figg banded together to the Moldy Mighty Muffins of Magnificence. Together, they created a top secret device known to outsiders only as O.S.o.H. Harry and Legolas had to join together to track the MMMMs down and discover what the OSoH was really for.

After minutes and minutes of searching through the scary corners of Legolas' fanfiction (amidst angry cries from the Ents-"This is OUR fanfiction!!!"), they found Ron and Mrs. Figg where else, but behind a bush.

Harry was a little scared to peek through the bush to see what was going on, but Legolas felt no sympathy for human embarrassment, so he plowed through. To Harry's surprise, each member of MMMM was holding an orange seashell.

"What are those seashells for?" he asked Ron.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Ron said, sticking out his tongue.

"Now, now, Ron," Mrs. Figg said in her best babysitter voice, "That isn't the way we talk to our friends."

Ron pouted, but said, "They're Orange Seashells of Happiness."

"Ahh," said Legolas, "The top secret OSoH project."

Ron continued, "They are used for two things:
1. Secret
2. To awaken the Evil Pink Fluffy Snitch of Doom!"
"The what?" Everyone replied
"Don't tell me you've never heard of the Evil Pink Snitch of Doom!" Mrs. Figg said exasperated, "Well looks like we'll have to explain it to you. I'm bad at explaining these sort of things. Ron?"
"Don't look at me!"
"Well since neither of us wants to explain it, the Big Boss'll have to."
The two members of the MMMM disapeared and everyone was apprehensive. Suddenly they returned this time with someone else...












































Hedwig!

Hedwig was wearing a moldy owl sized vest with a badge that said "Member of MMMM".
Here follows Hedwig's explanation of the Evil Pink Fluffy Snitch of Doom:

"A long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, the Snitches of Power were created. Three were given to the founders of Hogwarts. Old Salazar missed out because he was in a bush at the time doing... other things shall we say? Seven were given to the Quidditch players. Nine were given to the fanfic authors. But they were all of them deceived. For, in an empty bush the Evil Pink Fluffy Salazar of Doom crafted a master snitch to rule all the others and filled it with his malice, cruelty, and evil pink fluffyness.

One snitch to rule them ALL

One by one, the last free places in the fanfciton world fell to the power of the One snitch. But there were some... who resisted. A last group of good wizards banded together and were known as the Order of the Phoenix. A great battle was fought against the deatheaters and other dominions of the Evil Pink Fluffy Salazar of Doom. Victory was near, but the power of the snitch could not be undone.

It was in that moment, when all hope was failing when Neville Longbottom, son of the king, took up his father's frying pan and whacked the Evil Pink Fluffy Salazar of Doom over the head."

"Bunny slippers have heads?"

"The Snitch passed to Neville. And he had a chance to destroy evil once and for all... but the hearts of men are easily corrupted. The Snitch betrayed Neville. And for a certain amount of time, it lay forgotten. And some things that should not have been forgotten, were lost...

...History became legend... legend became myth... and all was forgotten. But when chance came, the Snitch ensnared a new bearer. A creature named Savage. (Not the writer) He took it deep into the heart of the message boards and there for a certain amount of time, it poisoned his mind.
'Its mine, my own, my chocolate...'
Darkness crept back into the Boards, rumor grew of a romance between two characters... and the Snitch of Power perceived... its time had come. It abandoned Savage. But something happened then, that the Snitch of Power did not intend. It was picked up, by the most unlikely person imaginable.

...a fanfic author, by the name of cherrychill18
'Lost! My chocolate is lost!'
For the time would soon come when chocolate would shape the fortunes of all...

"What?" Asked Savage who had a very short attention span and had been poking himself on the back of the head throughout the explanation."
"In other words," Hedwig said, "HOOT!"

"That's all well and good, I suppose," Harry said suddenly. "But how does that bring happiness? I mean, they are the Orange Seashells of Happiness..."

Ron slapped himself on the forehead. "How thick can you get? Obviously the first and secret function of the seashells is the key to all happiness!"

"You don't look very happy, though," Hermione said matter of factly, though she was breathing hard.

Mrs. Figg said, "That's because we haven't figured out what their first function is!"

Hermione gasped, and everyone stared at her. "Don't tell me you didn't see that coming, Hermione?" Harry said, shaking his head sadly.

"No, Harry," she wheezed. "It's not that, my water just broke."

Then Hermione's tummy popped open and out stepped a fully clothed baby! "Wow! Just like MAGIC!" yelled Legolas.
"We didn't want the little children to realize how babies are really born," Gwen explained, "so we used our poetic license to have Herm's baby magically pop out of her stomach."
Everyone watched in awe as Hermione's baby began to do a tapdance on the ground singing, "Hello my baby,hello my honey, hello, my ragtime gall. Send me a kiss by wire! Baby my heart's on fire! . . ." a la Spaceballs.

"Oh, she's so beautiful!" Hermione sqeauled, marvelling at her tap-dancing infant,
"She? How do you know it's a she?! It just popped out fully clothed!" shouted Ron.
One of the Ents began, "Well, because in 78.372%-"
"78.37249621%-" the happy mother interjected.
"Er...right...Hermione's baby is a girl, no matter if it tap dances or not."
And now all the characters (as well as fanfiction authors) should begin to oh and ah, because it is time for the wonderfully and very exact...*drum roll* ("Bloody hell," yelled Ron, "where did the drums come from?!")...the description of Hermione's baby!

Hermione's baby was clothed in a beautiful lavender/ fuchsia gown, which was complete with tiny pink bunny slippers. She had super sleek ( this most likely came from all the Sleazky's Hair Straighter Potion that her mother had used during her pregnancy) auburn hair that changed colors in the sunlight. The most peculiar thing about this child, was the evil, glinting, malicious, red eyes that the bunny slippers she wore had. They could capture your attention and lure you into dangerous situations. This was what Voldemort's secret and final weapon had been in the plot to kill the Boy Who Lived, and actually it still was, but what happens when Evil and Good come together? ::coughs:: a really BAD show called Birds of Prey. Damn WB ruins a perfectly good Batman movie spin off thing ::coughs:: Will the baby of Hermione be good and save Harry's life, or will she be evil and destroy him?

"No!" cried Hermione, "She will be good because she and Snape are going to work together as Secret Agent -James Bond types to regain possession of my sacred frying pans!"

What a SHOCKING revelation!

But suddenly Harry chose this moment to say, "Where's Moldy Voldie?"
Everyone looked around, confused. It was true; they had not seen Moldy Voldie or the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom for quite awhile. Then, BEHOLD, a TV popped up in front of them out of now where.
"What- but- but how?" Ron sputtered
Mrs. Figg went up to it and pressed the "on" button.
Everyone gasped.

Mr. Rogers was currently on and Moldy Voldie was on the screen.

"Welcome to Moldy Voldie's Neighborhood!" Stated the announcer.

A few Fluffy Pink Dementors were drinking tea in the background.

Scene one:

"Muahahahahaha my plan is working! Now that I'm going national, I will corrupt the minds of young children watching this show and make them my SLAVES!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- *cough* *cough* I mean um- "

Scene two:

"It's a wonderful day in the neighborhood a wonderful day in the neighborhood- hey you! Yeah YOU! CAMERA BOY! THAT'S MY BURRITO! AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Ron called out, "A situation like this calls for the Orange Seashells of Happiness!"

Mrs. Figg and Ron joined their seashells together and chanted the MMMM motto ("The Marvelous Mighty Muffins of Magnificence will never grow moldy!") and suddenly an aardvark appeared.

"So that's what the OSoH do," Harry said thoughtfully. "That aardvark is the solution to all our problems."

That aardvark happened to be the very same one that is in all those annoying kid's shows. And the group seemed to know that they knew this particular aardvark quite well…






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Anyone know what I'm getting at? :: said in aggravating Peeves voice::Someone's who we know is named Arthur…

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Just then, as the aardvark dropped in, the annoying theme music from that show featuring a particular aardvark came on. The world of Legolas's fanfiction ("OUR FANFICTION!!" screamed the Ents.) became blurry. The people felt themselves being pulled through the depths of these very...erm...different fanfiction until they arrived on the Hogwarts grounds.

Several of our frankly lovable characters landed in bushes, which emitted numerous squeals from French-maid costume clad fellows. Each of them, when landed, had uplifted expressions on their faces.

Ron tumbled to his knees, raising his hands to the sky. "I AM HAPPY!!!"

"Uh, Ron..." said Hermione.

"NO! Stop! Do not interrupt my happy moment! The aardvark has saved me!"

"The Orange Seashells of Happiness have saved us." cut in Mrs. Figg.

"NO!" screamed Harry. "I'm tired of you people always telling me what to think and what to say! I'm just about ready to go get out my own seashells, circa Fahrenheit 451, turn up some hard core 80's punk, ("Yeah!" said Dan) and ignore everything you people say!"
"But Harry," said Hermione, in a creepy, I'm a mindless idiot voice that didn't suit her at all, "that book you just mentioned has many things in common with our original series. The reasons extend beyond the OSoH, and go into the very basis of the book…"
"Yeah!" said Ron in an attempt to sound smart, "The firemen have phoenix patches on their uniforms, so they're from the Order of the Evil Phoenixes, and they call their fire engines Salamanders, which we learned about in Care of Magical…"
Ron never got a chance to finish his statement because the evil, censorship-loving, book-burning, radical zealots, who just so happen to be the Order of the Evil Phoenixes came into the fan fic and began shooting fire all over the place, setting several bushes and French maid costumes aflame before turning to the castle itself.

Ron turned to Harry and yelled, "Harry, you've got to run! Find Faber!"

Harry looked confused, but set off without another word, Legolas following closely behind.

"Who's Faber?" Hermione asked, restraining her baby from running amongst the flames.

"I don't know," Ron said, shaking his head. "I just had this image of a hound (who looked remarkably like Fluffy) running after Harry, and suddenly I knew he had to see Faber."

Hermione only shrugged, knowing that these inexplicable things happen in 98.741% of fanfictions.

But as Harry came closer to Faber's house, little did he know that our young hero was no longer in the Harry Potter Fanfiction Universe nor the Farenheight 451 Unisverse; He had entered the realm of Fahrenheight 451.5