He could see it, just across the street when a loud horn sounding made Harry's head throb. Harry glimpsed a green Ford Anglia before tripping into the street. The car was going faster and faster... it was sure to hit him when suddenly it swerved to the side and Percy Weasley in a Bikini and an afro jumped out. Harry's headache grew worse.
"Yo yo Harry my man! Gimme some skin! Wazzup homie? How do ya like the new paint job dude?"
Harry's jaw hurt so much it made his ear hurt.
"Dude, ya wanna check out my newsest invention? It's a time machine powered by thick (leak resistant) cauldrons." he said gesturing to the car.
"But... Faber..." was all Harry could manage to mutter before passing out and woke up in the back seat of the Anglia. He sat up groggily and looked out the window, startled by the dazzling sunlight. Once his eyes adjusted, he was shocked to see that the car sat on the street of an old western American town.

"Percy?" he called hesitantly.

"Yeah, Harry?" Percy called from outside the car.

Harry emerged and was glad to see Percy was attired in more fabric, although it was black cowboy gear, complete with a black 2.5 liter (they are British) hat, which sat precariously atop his fro.

"What are we doing here?" Harry asked cautiously, obviously catching that cowboys with black hats are the bad guys.

Percy sighed. "I told you I built a time machine. Why doesn't anyone think I'm as great as I know I am?" He pouted and crossed his arms.

"The Anglia is a time machine?" Harry wondered aloud. "But why did you take us to the Old West?"

"Haven't you seen the Muggle movie Back to the Future 3?" Percy asked impatiently.

Harry shook his head sadly, for the Dursleys never let him watch films.

"Well, the professor and Marty went back in time..." Percy began to explain, but Harry was not listening. He was having a good look around.

The men (all mysteriously with black hats) stood around, leaning on things, staring at Harry, Percy and the car. They were all chewing tobacco. Harry noticed one of them fingering a hand gun in his belt. "And the professor got stuck..." Percy rambled on (A/N: I'm not sure if this is from Back to the Future 3).

The man fingering his gun suddenly stepped from the side. There was a great scramble, as everyone in the street ran into the saloon. That old-western music began to play in the background. The man bow-leggedly walked slowly towards them, hands on the guns in his belt. Percy stepped forward, with it seems nothing in his hands. Harry was managing not to cry, because this brought back very painful memories. "Mommy..." he squeaked.

"Darn Brits," the bad guy said, pulling out his guns with the *really stupid voice* fastest hands in the west! Before he could shoot though, he flopped on the ground. Percy was flexing his fingers. The music was very loud now. A unified gasp came from all the bad guys with hats.

Harry and Percy walked cautiously by the man, and Percy was careful to kick him. Perce had an evil grin on his face. Something glistened in the bad guy's throat. "Is that what I think it is?" Harry turned to Percy, grossed out.
"Yes," Percy puffed himself out in a dignified fashion, "that's my old Head Boy badge! Which is highly polished, I might add-"

The man on the ground moaned, and Percy smiled more widely. "Don't touch the fro." He said, picking his afro. He turned to Harry and motioned for him to come. Harry trotted behind him amazed with Percy's daring, disregard for rules, Percy's new ghetto style, and fiery red afro, which was "pretty fly for a white guy".

Suddenly, the sky turned a deep shade of emerald green, and an incongruously feminine, British voice floated out of it. J.K. Rowling had taken matters into her own hands.

"HOLD IT! This is all wrong," she began. "I know how much fun it is to mess with my poor characters, but where is the amusement in plopping an afro on poor Perceval and dumping them in the old West? That isn't fair play."

All the original characters (who had suddenly appeared) cowered in fear of "The Great One".
"W…we're s..so sorry, your Excellency," said Ron. "W…we d…didn't know it would offend you so much. PLEASE FORGIVE US!"
"Oh shut up and stop stuttering like that dolt, Quirrel! Why in Dumbledore's name did I ever create that insufferable man?" muttered JKR, "Well, if you'd REALLY like to make it up to me, you can take me to go see a Quidditch match played by emperor penguins. I really need something to spice up my… ("Hey! It's my life story!" said Harry) FINE! Your series, to keep away those bloody published-parody writers. Curse that Russian man and his Tanya Grotter!"

"There's nothing wrong with flying magical basses," Hermione said.

Harry blinked. "Hermione, those books are written in Russian."

"So?"

"I thought it was a cello," Ron said, scratching his head.

"You can read Russain!?"

J.K. shrugged. "I decided that, since you got the looks and the fame, they should at least get the brains. But can we get back to me, please?"

All eyes dutifully turned back to the absolute ruler, J.K. Rowling. "That's better," she said haughtily.

"Now you all know that there will be none of this mixing with other story lines in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix so I will ask you nicely (just this once) to please stick to outrageous guesses at what the Order of the Phoenix is and which beloved character I am going to kill off," their creator said.

Harry and the others bowed to her power and vowed to spend the next year in pursuit of adventures pertaining only to those two central ideas which Rowling had outlined for them. But as soon as she had left their presence, and all the extraneous characters had been whisked away with her (to everyone's regret, Legolas disappered with them), they began to fight amongst themselves as to how to best fulfill Rowling's requirements.

"Everyone knows it is Hagrid that is going to die," Hermione said in her most know it all voice, glaring right at her half giant friend.

"No, my good friend Robbie Coltrane just threw in that red herring for the fanatics," Hagrid said fiercely.

"It's going to be Dumbledore," Harry said gloomily.

Hagrid's face grew purple with rage. "Now yeh've crossed the line, 'arry! Nothin' will 'appen to Dumbledore, cuz it'll 'ave teh get through me first!"

Harry cowered in fear as someone else spoke up...

"No," Protested a swarm of morbid ravens which were swooping overhead, "It shall be H-Harry!"

"Well, in 2.1415926237% of fanfics, Harry dies at the end," Hermione agreed as the ravens passed over the horizon. "But rather far-fetched, if you ask me."

"I'm a rather popular candidate as well," Ron said dryly. "Somewhere around 10% of fanfics in which a fairly important character dies have me as the victim."

"What?!" exclaimed Harry in horror. "That's preposterous! Why on earth would they do that?"

"So you and I could be together," Hermione sniffed matter-of-factly. "If you hadn't noticed," she added, pointing to the castle which loomed in the distance across the windy moor, "We're back at Hogwarts-and I think it's now again."

But most of the others were far too preoccupied to notice her.

Harry licked his lips at Hermione's comment of "so we could be together" and glanced at Ron with malice glimmering in his eyes. Ron didn't notice though, for he was busy entertaining Narda (who, after another session of Legolas-slapping, had decided she needed a next, fresh victim) and they leapt behind the nearest bush. Legolas looked heart-broken and massaged his cheek (still bearing Narda's hand prints). "So... what'll we do now?" Hermione's daughter piped up, still tap dancing. "I suggest we go back to Hogwarts," Hermione said, somewhat weary, and they went to the castle, quickly followed by Ron and Narda, who were straightening their cloths.
When they passed the lake (and all thought back of the most romantic moments they had experienced there, before continuing in a bush), the giant squid was speeding through the water with the speed of a bullet, and suddenly Hermione's tapdancing kid (did it have a name already?) grew two large tentacles and jumped into the lake. Everyone, quite dumbstruck turned at Hermione with questioning looks. Hermione slapped herself on her forehead. "Oh dear! I thought I'd forgotten a DNA-test!"
"The Giant Squid?" Harry said with clear digust in his voice. "That's EVIL Giant Squid to you, Mr. Potter!" a voice came from the lake and the Giant Squid (with the baby Squid tap dancing on its back) arose in all its greatness, its eyes burning red! "LORD Evil Giant Squid!"

Well, since all things having to do with Lord Voldie ("VOL-DE-MORT! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU! Stupid fanfic writers....") become pink, The Evil LORD Giant Squid quickly turned from a grayish color to neon pink.

The swimming-somehow still tap-dancing baby, which in 65.432%-
"Ahem!" began Hermione in her know-it-all voice, once again, "In 65.432716%!"
"Well, soooooRRY!" Kate said, sarcastically. Yes, I have joined the other fanfic authors in this story.... "In 65.432716% of 'Hermione has a baby' fanfics, her child has a really corny name. So, we will ask the Great One what the name shall be."

The Neon Pink Evil Lord Giant Squid looked absolutely bewildered, having never before been able to understand anything in these stories. But Harry yelled up into the heavens.
"Oh Great One! Because this fanfic author," he jerked his thumb at Kate, "has limited creativity, we need you to think of a corny name for Hermione's tentacle-swimming, tap-dancing baby!"
"You need me AGAIN! Gosh, can't you do anything yourselves?!"
"Well, you created us." said Ron timidly.
"Oh, well...um...er...YOU DARE DEFY ME!" roared JKR. All the characters and fanfic writers cowered in her rage.

"No! No! We just need a name!" muttered Hermione.
"Oh, okay. As much as I resent people ruining my story with additions like 'Hermione's baby', I will help you. The baby's corny name, by my authority, shall be..."

"-Wilburt."
"I thought its a girl..." said a very perplexed Ron

"Wilberta, then. Sheesh, you're picky. Just take the stupid name, would you? Maybe she's a tomboy."

"Who tap dances wearing a pink feather boa?"

"Ahhh! Pink!" J.K. calmed herself. "A cross-dressing tomboy - "

"Is that possible?" Hermine whispered.

" - who likes to be called . . . what was it again?"

"Wilbert?"

"Yeah. That. Anything else?"

"Well," Ron said slowly, "now that you mention it . . . "

"Now that you mention it," Ron continued, "I wondered why you haven't decreed that in this ff Hermione and I must end up together. I mean all of your signs point to that happy ending."

The Great One sighed loudly. "Don't you folks know a red herring when you see it? Some scientific principle about someone's razor says that the simplest solution is right. Hermione kissed Harry, so just accept it."

Ron looked shocked. He had always imagined, since reading Goblet of Fire, that he and Hermione were soul mates. Before he could protest, or ask any more really dumb questions, the Great One retreated to her mansion, husband and baby, thankful to get away from those annoying characters who kept her from enjoying her riches.

Hermione, for the first time in her life, looked dumbfounded. "I hadn't noticed that my true love was Harry, but I see it all now. Joanne always knows best." She sighed happily as she held Harry's hand.

A cheesy car commercial announcers voice swept over 'Hogwarts Land'.

"We now interrupt the regularly scheduled fanfic for...another bit of fanfic! Of course, it's written by a twelve year old girl with no care for spelling or plot!"

All our lovable characters, Hermione still holding Harry's hand, her baby forgotten, gasped in unison and watched the sky. They were expecting reprimand from the Great One, but none came. The twelve year old began.

heremion walked to where harry was. she had long blonde hair long legs and really really tight clothes wow said ron. wow said harry. hermoin leaned down and whispeed to harry i love harry.you are very cute and nice. harry kissed her for a long, long time. ron was very mad and he went away.a week later hermoine found out she was gonna have a baby again. her other baby was mad and went away hermione said wow. harry said wow. wow!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" came a scream from the sky. Every turned sharply to see the Great One again. She weeping uncontrollably muffled screams emitting from under her hands. "MY-MY S-STORY!!!! IT'S RUINED!! NOOOO!!"

 "And it gets even better- er- worse" The cheesey car commercial announcer voice continued, "In a current fanfiction writing contest, the following was submitted and even won last place! We at Cheesy Car Commercial Announcer Voices Inc. (don't ask) felt obligated to share this horrible piece of writing with you. Yo Jo you listening?" He chuckled at is own joke with no one else seemed to think was remotely funny. The Great One simply rolled her eyes in frustration.

her moen sad 2 hary ls go 2 d rstent 4 ern ron go reee sad :( + crid aftr dat hrmn says 2 lets go 2 da moOoOoOoOoOOOooOOOovies she sd y t w b l s ttyl sum sad haRrRrR55645851256726745rrrry the ee was rllllllllll funy loaaoaoaoaaaol said hary aftpiza + muroi + chesse wo u lik wow wow wow yeah they got in there nu sueee + sated drvin 2 da restrerds then they saw a hen hey dat rims :D mlafe wil sae yestrda then day got in da cr and std 2 mk t 4 a wiel ronn got gelus :C+ did thru toffu at dem afftrwursd they

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! YOU SHALL DEFY ME NO MORE!!" The Great One shrieked, "BE GONE INTO THE FESTERING STINKING TAR PITS FROM WHENCE YE CAME!!"
Everyone cowered in fear as massive lightning bolts erupted form the Great One's finger tips, permanently banishing the offending writer who dared to write such garbage in the presence of the Great One herself.

--------------------

Author's note: The one who was banished was the cheesy car commercial announcer guy because the bolts didn't reach far enough to decimate the offending writer)

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Harry frowned. "Wait, does that mean Savage's gone permanently?"

"Probably not," Hermione said, twirling her hair for lack of anything better to do. "I mean, do you want to be stuck with those other guys all the time?"

"Hey, Rhea's awesome!" Ron said, and the others pointedly ignored the twenty pound note I was busy slipping into his hand.

"Absolutely no bribing my characters!" J.K. intoned.


Out of the suddenly dark and scary underbrush crept a suspicious looking creature that appeared to have Hawaiian Punch dripping from its chin. It went by the name of Severus Snape. "HARRY! YOU'VE GOTTA HELP ME! BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER IS AFTER ME!"
"Uh Professor, that show is ending this year. Why would they use you for the series finale?" said , Hermione's First Baby.
"Oh Clown Face! How can you be so naïve! It appears that the writers of Buffy felt that they needed to consult a Harry Potter Fan Data Base that had a rumor circulating stating that I am a vampire."
"And the fact that they couldn't book Lupin for the final episode," muttered Ron.
"Oh yeah! I saw that one a while ago," said Harry, making reference to a the site, in an attempt to save the Gryffindor's House points, which no one really understood since they didn't really have classes anymore, since they had all graduated 3 years earlier than expected, because Hogwarts had secretly been burned by all of the people who were opposed and in support of the war with Iraq. (Hey! The protestors have to burn something down!) .
"Ya know how it is," said Harry, with his unfamiliar country twang, "I try to keep up with the latest rumors, theories, and facts that are posted quite frequently about my life all over the net. Speaking of which, did you see the Book 5 American edition cover yet? I look so dang hot and mature! Only, I wish they could have made me look more rugged like that Vin Diesel fella… Oh well! Maybe someday my wishes will come true," he said, sighing at key points of his little spiel.
"Hey!" said Legolas, who had been forgotten about up until this point, "Look! Up in the sky! It's a…"

...cardboard cut-out of Jennifer Lopez in her dress from Oscars night. It landed with a soft thump, and the once again pregnant Hermione distinctly heard a small voice demanding where her Benny-Poo and money was.

Snape, who had been standing near the place were Lopez landed, (yes, I know that sounded like a news report) screamed at the top of his lungs. But once he realized it was not Buffy, he quieted down and proceeded to pour Hawaiian punch down his chin. All our boy characters immediately flopped down on the ground and crawled toward the cut-out murmuring "Oh Great One..."

J.K. Rowling and her new baby boy, David, were looking distinctly ruffled, now that she was not the most powerful woman on the scene anymore.

Ron sprang from his grass-covered knees after marveling for a few minutes at Jennifer's large *ahem*. "EUREKA!" he shouted, jutting a proclaiming finger into the air. "I hereby state that The Former Great One shall now be called J. Ro in honor of J. Lo!"

Everyone cheered at this, except for Hermione, who was scowling at Harry, who was sitting closest to the cut-out. JKR, or how we have to call her from now on "J. Ro", looked absolutely stunned.

Hermione couldn't take it anymore.

"Harry!" she shrieked. "Don't look at that Jenny from the Block! Don't you remember that J. Ro declared that we are meant to be together?"

Harry replied without turning his eyes from J. Lo's...dress. "If we're meant to be, why can't I enjoy looking at another girl now?"

Hermione looked flabbergasted, but J. Ro had a ready response. "Typical boy. He has no idea what's going on." Then David began to cry, so J. Ro ran off to take care of him, completely forgetting that she had two more books to write.

"She's left us!" Legolas cried. "How will I ever get out of the vicious cycle of the fanfic if J. Ro has left me here?"

Legolas's comments were never heard because the ragtag group's attention was fixed on 3 approaching shapes. Suddenly, a man whose hair was perfectly spiked, due to a flat iron and hairspray, popped out of a nearby bush and announced, "Hey there! I'm Ryan Seacrest, and welcome to American Idol. Tonight's theme is incredibly weird fan fics, so here we are in a location totally forgotten by the current writer!"