Disclaimer not my characters, blah, thanks to all powerful rowling and WB. also, i don't own any of the movies i used quotes from... it's not like i'm making money off this deal, don't be upset with me
The next morning at breakfast, the entire school was curious as to why Dumbledore wasn't there. Snape had an icky feeling that he had overestimated Dumbledore's ability to figure out the mirror. He ate hurriedly and ran to Dumbledore's office, which was empty. Snape cursed and began to comb the Hogwarts grounds for Dumbledore. He found him sitting at the base of the Whomping Willow.
"Headmaster, what are you doing? That thing will kill you!"
"Yes, Severus, I suppose it may."
"Don't tell me you're suicidal. I just can't handle that right now."
"What would it matter to you?"
"Oh, Merlin…" Snape cautiously walked over and sat beside Dumbledore. He wasn't going to let fear of a tree rob him of his moment to have a Serious Talk. "Headmaster, whatever the voices in your head are saying, we can deal with it. Together. I love you, man!"
Peanut Gallery: Awwwww….
Random Drunk: Hey, that was on a Budweiser commercial!
"Severus, that's very sweet. Let's frolic together!" Slow, sweet romantic music began playing as Snape and Dumbledore joined hands and frolicked, the wind blowing their hair.
Ron spied them from a window and grabbed Hermione's hand, pulling her outside where they, too, commenced frolicking. Soon the Hogwarts grounds were filled with frolicking students and staff (and their cats).
An hour into the mass frolic, Hagrid looked out of his hut window and took in the spectacle of Snape jumping through a sprinkler. *shudder with pleasure… snape is wet…. Stop it brain!* He ran out of his house and mowed down Snape. As he picked the somewhat smooshed Snape off of the ground, he growled as menacingly as is possible for Hagrid (not very. The man's weapon is an UMBRELLA, okay? Not scary.)
"Why did you do that, Hagrid?" Dumbledore demanded, finding himself suddenly without frolic partner.
"There's kids watchin', Headmaster!"
"Good point. Severus, don't get wet in front of the kids. They don't need an anatomy lesson from you."
Random Girl (who is really *me* by the way): Oh yes we do! That's a fine specimen of manhood. Let us inspect!
Everyone else: Gross. Get that crazy girl out of here!
Hagrid went back into hit hut. Giant men don't frolic often. It's possibly dangerous for all else who share the same Earth.
"Stop everything!" Snape shouted. Everyone stopped mid-frolic, resulting in many crashes and fallings over. "What is the *point* of all this?"
"Oh, Merlin," Hermione said, leaving Ron's side and approaching Snape. "Are you questioning the meaning of your life?"
"No, Miss Granger. The meaning of the frolic. Of this chapter, actually."
"Severus, don't be so skeptical. This chapter could end up being very important."
Foreshadowing sprinted across the field.
****
At that moment, Voldemort Apparated into the middle of the field.
"YOU CAN'T APPARATE INTO HOGWARTS, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU DOLTS? JIMINY CRICKET!"
"Oh. Sorry!" Voldemort Disapparated.
"YOU CAN'T DISAPPARATE EITHER, FOR THE LOVE OF NANCY!"
He appeared again. In a right snit, he demanded, "What am I supposed to do then?" Hermione shrugged and turned back to Snape.
"You've angered the Dark Lord, Hermione! He'll kill you!" As Snape spoke, Voldemort raised his wand and aimed it at Hermione's back. He drew in breath and opened his mouth to speak. Snape grabbed Hermione and pushed her behind himself. "Avada Kedavra!" Voldemort shouted. Green light flashed all around. A slow-motion bolt of green headed towards Snape, who stared at it with the bravery of a man who knows that the fic writer loves him, and won't let him die. The bolt of doom ricocheted back towards Voldemort. "Shit, not again!" he said, just before the spell hit him. "I'm melting! I'm melting! Oh, what a world… what a world…." The students cheered as Voldemort sank to the ground, leaving a puddle of slime and a set of robes.
"What happened? Why didn't it kill me?" Snape demanded. He turned and saw Hermione, tears in her eyes.
"Oh, Severus! You risked your life to save me! How sweet! How noble! How… Dumbledore!"
"But why didn't I die? I knew I wouldn't, but what explanation can there be?"
Dumbledore strode forward, twinkling with knowledge. "Severus, I have an important question for you. Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?"
"Wait, what? I'm confused. When did I fly over the rainbow?"
"Severus, we frolicked. You can't go back to being bitter and sarcastic. You must be full of sweetness and light, and help children, and adopt a puppy!"
"Fuck that!" Snape strode back to the castle, his robes billowing behind him, his hair still slightly damp from the sprinkler. He stormed up to Dumbledore's office and extracted the mirror. "Mirror, mirror-"
"Not Sleeping Beauty, too, okay Severus? I can't take it!" Mirror sighed. Snape nodded.
"Just tell me what to do now," Snape said, complete with a sigh and slightly lowered head - we're now in Oh Holy Shit Crisis Mode. (Harry Potter style.)
"Turn the lights off and it will all fall into place." Snape waved his wand at the lights, which went off. "It would have been cooler if I had a Clapper."
"Yes," Mirror agreed.
Snape stood in the dark for several moments, waiting for the answer to come to him. It did not. He waited. Still no answer.
"Mirror… what am I waiting for?" Snape's only response was silence. He flicked his wand and turned the lights back on, and found himself alone. The mirror was no longer there. "Now what do I do?" A creepy reverberating voice whispered, "Use the force!"
Snape slammed his fist down on the table in front of him. "NO MORE INSANE MOVIE TIE-INS!" he shouted. "I have to do what I have to do." Snape went back to his rooms to prepare his final speech as a Professor at Hog warts - well, his first speech, too. Stay tuned. This is gonna be big.
The next morning at breakfast, the entire school was curious as to why Dumbledore wasn't there. Snape had an icky feeling that he had overestimated Dumbledore's ability to figure out the mirror. He ate hurriedly and ran to Dumbledore's office, which was empty. Snape cursed and began to comb the Hogwarts grounds for Dumbledore. He found him sitting at the base of the Whomping Willow.
"Headmaster, what are you doing? That thing will kill you!"
"Yes, Severus, I suppose it may."
"Don't tell me you're suicidal. I just can't handle that right now."
"What would it matter to you?"
"Oh, Merlin…" Snape cautiously walked over and sat beside Dumbledore. He wasn't going to let fear of a tree rob him of his moment to have a Serious Talk. "Headmaster, whatever the voices in your head are saying, we can deal with it. Together. I love you, man!"
Peanut Gallery: Awwwww….
Random Drunk: Hey, that was on a Budweiser commercial!
"Severus, that's very sweet. Let's frolic together!" Slow, sweet romantic music began playing as Snape and Dumbledore joined hands and frolicked, the wind blowing their hair.
Ron spied them from a window and grabbed Hermione's hand, pulling her outside where they, too, commenced frolicking. Soon the Hogwarts grounds were filled with frolicking students and staff (and their cats).
An hour into the mass frolic, Hagrid looked out of his hut window and took in the spectacle of Snape jumping through a sprinkler. *shudder with pleasure… snape is wet…. Stop it brain!* He ran out of his house and mowed down Snape. As he picked the somewhat smooshed Snape off of the ground, he growled as menacingly as is possible for Hagrid (not very. The man's weapon is an UMBRELLA, okay? Not scary.)
"Why did you do that, Hagrid?" Dumbledore demanded, finding himself suddenly without frolic partner.
"There's kids watchin', Headmaster!"
"Good point. Severus, don't get wet in front of the kids. They don't need an anatomy lesson from you."
Random Girl (who is really *me* by the way): Oh yes we do! That's a fine specimen of manhood. Let us inspect!
Everyone else: Gross. Get that crazy girl out of here!
Hagrid went back into hit hut. Giant men don't frolic often. It's possibly dangerous for all else who share the same Earth.
"Stop everything!" Snape shouted. Everyone stopped mid-frolic, resulting in many crashes and fallings over. "What is the *point* of all this?"
"Oh, Merlin," Hermione said, leaving Ron's side and approaching Snape. "Are you questioning the meaning of your life?"
"No, Miss Granger. The meaning of the frolic. Of this chapter, actually."
"Severus, don't be so skeptical. This chapter could end up being very important."
Foreshadowing sprinted across the field.
****
At that moment, Voldemort Apparated into the middle of the field.
"YOU CAN'T APPARATE INTO HOGWARTS, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU DOLTS? JIMINY CRICKET!"
"Oh. Sorry!" Voldemort Disapparated.
"YOU CAN'T DISAPPARATE EITHER, FOR THE LOVE OF NANCY!"
He appeared again. In a right snit, he demanded, "What am I supposed to do then?" Hermione shrugged and turned back to Snape.
"You've angered the Dark Lord, Hermione! He'll kill you!" As Snape spoke, Voldemort raised his wand and aimed it at Hermione's back. He drew in breath and opened his mouth to speak. Snape grabbed Hermione and pushed her behind himself. "Avada Kedavra!" Voldemort shouted. Green light flashed all around. A slow-motion bolt of green headed towards Snape, who stared at it with the bravery of a man who knows that the fic writer loves him, and won't let him die. The bolt of doom ricocheted back towards Voldemort. "Shit, not again!" he said, just before the spell hit him. "I'm melting! I'm melting! Oh, what a world… what a world…." The students cheered as Voldemort sank to the ground, leaving a puddle of slime and a set of robes.
"What happened? Why didn't it kill me?" Snape demanded. He turned and saw Hermione, tears in her eyes.
"Oh, Severus! You risked your life to save me! How sweet! How noble! How… Dumbledore!"
"But why didn't I die? I knew I wouldn't, but what explanation can there be?"
Dumbledore strode forward, twinkling with knowledge. "Severus, I have an important question for you. Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?"
"Wait, what? I'm confused. When did I fly over the rainbow?"
"Severus, we frolicked. You can't go back to being bitter and sarcastic. You must be full of sweetness and light, and help children, and adopt a puppy!"
"Fuck that!" Snape strode back to the castle, his robes billowing behind him, his hair still slightly damp from the sprinkler. He stormed up to Dumbledore's office and extracted the mirror. "Mirror, mirror-"
"Not Sleeping Beauty, too, okay Severus? I can't take it!" Mirror sighed. Snape nodded.
"Just tell me what to do now," Snape said, complete with a sigh and slightly lowered head - we're now in Oh Holy Shit Crisis Mode. (Harry Potter style.)
"Turn the lights off and it will all fall into place." Snape waved his wand at the lights, which went off. "It would have been cooler if I had a Clapper."
"Yes," Mirror agreed.
Snape stood in the dark for several moments, waiting for the answer to come to him. It did not. He waited. Still no answer.
"Mirror… what am I waiting for?" Snape's only response was silence. He flicked his wand and turned the lights back on, and found himself alone. The mirror was no longer there. "Now what do I do?" A creepy reverberating voice whispered, "Use the force!"
Snape slammed his fist down on the table in front of him. "NO MORE INSANE MOVIE TIE-INS!" he shouted. "I have to do what I have to do." Snape went back to his rooms to prepare his final speech as a Professor at Hog warts - well, his first speech, too. Stay tuned. This is gonna be big.