"Oh my gosh!" screeched Harry, "This is my FAVORITE show! I want that Josh Gracin to win!"
"Um Harry, the show's is called American Idol. You live in England. How would you ever watch it? Satellites don't work in the Fan Fic Realm," said the ever factual Hermione.
"Hey Ms. Know-it-all! You can't sing and you could stand to lose a few pounds, so shut up!" said the mean judge, Simon Cowell.
"She is beautiful the way she is!" retorted the nice judge, Paula Abdul.
"Yeah dawg! Listen to Paula, dude," said the "dawg" judge, Randy Jackson (no relation to those other Jacksons, one who wanted to ruin the wonderful HOGWARTS EXPRESS!! ::cough!:: anyway...)
The music started and Clay appeared on stage, big ears and all. When he began to sing, Hermione gasped. "That voice is coming out of that scrawny guy?"

Then she realized what Clay was singing. It was a song from the new Harry Potter inspired musical that was thrilling Broadway audiences, "When a Slytherin loves a Gryffindor: Draco+ Hermione Forever"

"What are you singing?" Hermione screeched, causing Clay to stop short.

"It's a very popular song right now," he said, looking hurt.

"I don't care!" Hermione yelled. "I would never ever date that despicable Malfoy character! Not only did J. Ro prohibit it, but he called me a mudblood, if you remember!"

Just then, Clay's polyjuice potion wore off to reveal Draco Malfoy standing in front of Hermione, wearing a woeful expression.

"Never?" he asked before whispering into her ear. Hermione giggled.

"Well, ok," she said.

Harry collapsed into Simon Cowell's arms, sobbing uncontrollably.

"Oh, get a hold to yerself Harry! Be a man!" said Hagrid, who just magically ("GASP!") appeared on the American Idol stage, still dressed in his now quite dirty, pink shirt.

Simon drew his hands up to his mouth. "My God! You're hideous! All that hair, and, and, oh! I can't bear to say it!"

Hagrid's lower lip began to tremble. He let out a howl like a wounded dog that shook the studio. The entire audience, in a many headed voice went: "AAAAAAAWWWW!"

Seacrest (can't remember his first name) skidded on to the stage. After regaining his breath with a few deep breaths, he began in a steadily rising whisper. "The FOX officials have just given us information. We have the information from www.TheSmokingGun.com that...Hagrid posed topless!" he finished dramatically ("GASP!").

Get out of my way," Hermione's first baby shouted, pushing Hagrid off the stage. Without explanation, (And who needs an explanation? This is a fanfic!) she had suddenly matured to the age of 15 and was wearing skimpy, fashionable muggle clothes. Her sandblasted ultra-low rise jeans and tight peasant top were so revealing that Sirius, despite the fact that he was twice her age, could do nothing but stare at her and drool.

"Uh, Padfoot, isn't she a bit young for you?" Remus asked, sounding more than a bit jealous.

"Nah, in 5.14159% of fanfics, Hermione ends up with one of us or Snape," Sirius shrugged. "Why shouldn't I look at her daughter?" He promptly went back to drooling.

Hermione's first baby (now teenage daughter) cleared her throat loudly.

"Excuse me. My name is Krisy Amber Erin Lindsay Dawn Rose Jade Sara Lisa Star Hanako Granger-Weasley-Potter-Snape-Black-Lupin-Pettigrew-Longbottom-Krum-Moody-Filch-Hagrid-Flitwick-Dumbledore-Quirrel-Voldemort-Malfoy-Crabbe-Goyle-Finch-Fletchy-Parkinson-Squid, and I want to be an American Idol! Today I'm going to sing one of my very most favoritest songs, it's called.  .  .   The March of the Pink Fuzzy Bunny Slippers of Doom!"

Ron frowned. "But I didn't think that had words."

Hermione just shushed him loudly.

Kristy Amber Erin...(etc, etc) Cleared her throat and began to sing in a voice that rivaled that of a nightingale's, a voice smooth as satin, sweet as honey, and...

"Alright, get on with it!" Ron interrupted.

Right, here you go.

"Pink Bunny Slippers of DOO----M,
So menacingly you loom,
but you know I love you
love to have you here,
love those floppy bunny ears.
Oh-- Darling no loafers could ever
replace you in my heart.
You're so fluffy to me-
Oh slippers, do you not see

You're the only evil pink villain
I could ever love.
I'll love you 'till the stars tumble
from the sky above!
I'm no pink fluffy sorceress,
but you're my man-
err...inanimate object....

Krisy stopped singing for a second and belted out the last lines of the song.

Fluffy pink bunny slippers
of DOOM...oh yes
though you're evil, doesn't make
me love you any less!

Hermione burst out into applause.

"Those were some pretty good lyrics," Harry said, giving Ron a look.

"She made them up on the spot," he muttered, begrudgingly clapping as well.

Suddenly everyone's favorite judge to hate on American Idol Simon appeared.
He Said "That was one of the worst songs I have ever heard".
They had also suddenly returned to Hogwarts.
Hermione then screamed "You can't apparate in Hogwarts grounds."
Simon replied "I didn't apparate someone turned my shoes into a portkey". After he said that he was gone.

...And suddenly out of nowhere a giant train smashed Hagrid.

"I knew it!" Ron said. "Hagrid's going to die in the fifth book!"

Hermione gave him a look. "You idiot, that only said he was smashed into, not that it was a fatal smash. Crash. Whatever."

"My Goodness!" screamed Professor McGonagall, who had come running out of the castle, both to see what all the ruckus was about, and why none of these students have been in classes at all this year.

"Don't worry Professor! He's not dead!" stated Hermione.

Snape swooped down on them all. "Miss Granger, don't talk about things you don't understand! Hagrid is dead, much as Mr. Weasley so cleverly pointed out."

"Aha! I was right!" shouted Ron with triumph.

Hermione scowled at him. "For once."

"Oh, shut up! You don't like it because you were wrong!"

"Oh yeah-"

"Miss Granger!" McGonagall shouted. Hermione immediately stopped advancing towards Ron. "What kind of example are you setting for your, um, very mature-erm-child?"

"LOOK!" Harry screamed, in a very girlish way.

Everyone snapped their heads toward the train that had smashed Hagrid. A collective gasp escaped them. The train was pink and fluffy! The evil laugh of the Pink Bunny Slippers of DOOM! *forked lightning* descended from the sky!


"So you were behind Hagrid's demise and my first incorrect answer?" Hermione sobbed loudly. "I am sorry that I ever bore your love child and gave her 35 names and watched her grow up 10 times faster than normal and put her on American Idol and-"

A rumble of thunder cut off Hermione's pity party.

"Of course I was behind Hagrid's death...and you should be sorry that you bore my love child, you stupid little girl. I needed her to complete my heinous plan," the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of DOOM cackled.

But the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of DOOM had sorely underestimated the consequences of calling Hermione a stupid little girl...

Do not underestimate the power of the force!" Hermione cried. Suddenly the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom fell to the floor clutching his throat. ("Bunny slippers have throats?" Said Ron)

Silence fool!" Hermione bellowed, as she activated her bright red lightsaber. (cue evil sounding music) The Evil Pink bunny Slippers of Doom did likewise. The air crackled with energy as Hermione and The Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom clashed. Harry took cover in a bush (fortunately empty) to avoid the deadly adversaries in action. Ron, however was not so lucky and got his head chopped off.
"EEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKK!!!!!!!"
"My lawyers are gonna kill you guys." Ron's head said from the ground.
The Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom had Hermione up against the bottomless pit. She swung her lightsaber and chopped off one of his ears.
"AAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH You'll pay for this!" And with a final stroke Hermione fell down into the black abyss, to be heard from again. Hermione's daughter's cell phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Hi honey its me. I am currently falling into oblivion. Can you please avenge me sweetie? Oh and buy the way muggle electronics don't' really work on the Hogwarts grounds."

Click.

She looked the Evil Pink Bunny Slip-(do I have to write this all out every ingle time?)-pers of Doom squarely in the eyes. She then picked up a rubber band and tore off the corner of a piece of paper and crumpled it up. She twisted the rubber band around her fingers and took aim with the little crumpled up piece of paper.
"My name is Krisy Amber Erin Lindsay Dawn Rose Jade Sara Lisa Star Hanako Granger-Weasley-Potter-
Snape-Black-Lupin(*inhale*)-Pettigrew-Longbottom-Krum-Moody-Filch-Hagrid-Flitwick-Dumbledore-Quirrel-Voldemort-Malfoy-Crabbe-Goyle-Finch-Fletchy-Parkinson-Squid the amazing singing tapdancing cross-dressing tomboy. (whew!) You killed my fathe- I mean mother."
"Hey I'm not dead yet!" Hermione cried from the depths of the bottomless pit.
"Prepare to die."
The Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom laughed. "Hahahaha! You think you can hurt me with that contraption? Hahahahah! OW!"

Yes, she can hurt you," called a deep voice from the background of the message boards.
"For she is a Homo superior, or as you insolent humans call her, a mutant. But we, the Brotherhood of Mutants, can give her a real home, away from you insufferable people shun her. We can"
"Hey!" interrupted Ron's severed head (-he should apply for the Headless Hunt) "I didn't know Hermione's daughter swung the other way."
"No you idiot!" cried Hermione from the bottomless pit, "Homo is the scientific term for humans. And even if she did what was it you said? Bat the other way? What's it to you?"
Suddenly the group was transported to the set of another Jerry Springer episode. Today's theme: My child is a mutant, or at least the guy who played Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings think she is!

But before Jerry Springer could come out to welcome his guests, Gandalf had whisked the entire group off to a meadow where stood a pure white horse.