Disclaimer characters not mine. Rowling. WB. Also, the speech is in part G.W.Bush's and in part Bill Clinton's. And Marilyn Manson, I love you! Respect.
Professor Dumbledore, distinguished faculty, and my students, the peaceful retirement of professors is rampant in history, yet uncommon in our school. Even through simple death, we affirm old traditions and teach new classes.
As I begin, I thank Headmaster Albus Dumbledore for his service to this school.
And I thank Deputy Headmistress McGonagall for a reign conducted with spirit and, with the exception of a slight incident involving cheese and a student, dignity.
I am honored and humbled to stand here, where so many of Hogwarts' teachers have come before me, and so many will follow. Poor suckers.
We have a place, all of us, in a long story--a story we continue, but whose end we will not see. It is the story of a new world that became a friend and liberator of the old, a story of a Muggle-hating society that became a peace-loving community, the story of a power of good that has gone on to defend, but not to conquer.
It is the Wizarding story--a story of flawed and fallible people, united across the generations by grand and enduring ideals.
- What the HELL am I talking about? I'm acting like George W. Bush for the sake of Merlin!
First I must make this ultimately clear: I did not, I repeat did NOT, have sexual relations with that student… Draco Malfoy.
I DIDN'T! STOP LAUGHING DAMN YOU!
"But, Professor - don't you love me?" *tears*
Shut up, Draco. Pay no attention to that insignificant person.
"But, Professor! I have the dress with your semen on it!"
That's just plain gross, kid.
"Want to see my thong, Professor?"
No.
Getting back to my speech. My tenure at Hogwarts has been quite enjoyable. Torturing students is fun, and on occasion I find the company of the Headmaster pleasant. I have also made you all into a damn fine bunch of Potions-brewers… well, most of you *casts direct glare at Harry, Ron, and Neville*
I am one damn fine professor, aren't I?
"Yes, yes you are you sexy piece of man meat!"
Shut up, Draco.
Alas, the time has come to acknowledge that nobody at Howarts deserves to have such a great professor. I am abused constantly. I'm made fun of in stories by Muggles I don't even know. I have a student in love with me - and not even the right student. The relationship between me and the Headmaster has long been deteriorating, due to his AIDS and my talking mirror.
In short, I have decided that the perfect career for me is to be… a Muggle rock star!
I have the perfect hair for it! And the dark, brooding thing is always big with Muggle rock fans… I will rule! Circus magazine will have pinups of me! And I don't even have to change my wardrobe. Thus, I announce that you all are invited to my first concert. Wear your robes. It will help my reputation if people think my fans are into witchcraft and Devil worship. Trust me, I've seen it happen. It's either that, or I have to get breast implants.
Marilyn Manson: Hey, I copyrighted that idea at the Patents for Weird Shit Office… don't even think about it.
All right, then. See you all for my concert tomorrow… Same bat time, same bat channel!
Professor Dumbledore, distinguished faculty, and my students, the peaceful retirement of professors is rampant in history, yet uncommon in our school. Even through simple death, we affirm old traditions and teach new classes.
As I begin, I thank Headmaster Albus Dumbledore for his service to this school.
And I thank Deputy Headmistress McGonagall for a reign conducted with spirit and, with the exception of a slight incident involving cheese and a student, dignity.
I am honored and humbled to stand here, where so many of Hogwarts' teachers have come before me, and so many will follow. Poor suckers.
We have a place, all of us, in a long story--a story we continue, but whose end we will not see. It is the story of a new world that became a friend and liberator of the old, a story of a Muggle-hating society that became a peace-loving community, the story of a power of good that has gone on to defend, but not to conquer.
It is the Wizarding story--a story of flawed and fallible people, united across the generations by grand and enduring ideals.
- What the HELL am I talking about? I'm acting like George W. Bush for the sake of Merlin!
First I must make this ultimately clear: I did not, I repeat did NOT, have sexual relations with that student… Draco Malfoy.
I DIDN'T! STOP LAUGHING DAMN YOU!
"But, Professor - don't you love me?" *tears*
Shut up, Draco. Pay no attention to that insignificant person.
"But, Professor! I have the dress with your semen on it!"
That's just plain gross, kid.
"Want to see my thong, Professor?"
No.
Getting back to my speech. My tenure at Hogwarts has been quite enjoyable. Torturing students is fun, and on occasion I find the company of the Headmaster pleasant. I have also made you all into a damn fine bunch of Potions-brewers… well, most of you *casts direct glare at Harry, Ron, and Neville*
I am one damn fine professor, aren't I?
"Yes, yes you are you sexy piece of man meat!"
Shut up, Draco.
Alas, the time has come to acknowledge that nobody at Howarts deserves to have such a great professor. I am abused constantly. I'm made fun of in stories by Muggles I don't even know. I have a student in love with me - and not even the right student. The relationship between me and the Headmaster has long been deteriorating, due to his AIDS and my talking mirror.
In short, I have decided that the perfect career for me is to be… a Muggle rock star!
I have the perfect hair for it! And the dark, brooding thing is always big with Muggle rock fans… I will rule! Circus magazine will have pinups of me! And I don't even have to change my wardrobe. Thus, I announce that you all are invited to my first concert. Wear your robes. It will help my reputation if people think my fans are into witchcraft and Devil worship. Trust me, I've seen it happen. It's either that, or I have to get breast implants.
Marilyn Manson: Hey, I copyrighted that idea at the Patents for Weird Shit Office… don't even think about it.
All right, then. See you all for my concert tomorrow… Same bat time, same bat channel!