"It is true that this young lady is what one would call a mutant in the mortal world," he began. "But in Middle Earth she is the key to our entire existence."

"Wait," Ron sputtered. "Let me get this straight. Hermione's love child by a pair of evil bunny slippers who experienced accelerated growth, was given 20 names, and sang on American Idol is the key to the existence of Middle Earth?"

Gandalf nodded solemnly and turned to Shadowfax.

Hermione gave Ron a "I told you so" look and he stuck his tongue out at her. Harry had to restrain her from lunging at his red headed friend.

"Sir," Harry began, though his voice was muffled by Hermione's hair, "How exactly does Hermione's daughter fit in?"

"Not very well," was the admittance. Hermione's daughter (to be known as such as it is much shorter than her entire name) appeared from behind the curtain, clad in black mesh, a mini-skirt, recently chopped and dyes hot pink and blue spikes, and newly acquired body piercings - not all of them in places visible on a sensibly clad girl. Hermione's daughter was not sensibly clad.


Ron's jaw dropped. "Whoaaaaaa...."

"Uh, honey?" Hermione began cautiously.

Hermione's daughter merely frowned and rolled her eyes in a rebellious teen way. "...aaaaaaaa..." Ron was still going. Hermione tutted at him.

"Uh, um," Harry stuttered, gazing aptly at Hermione's daughter, "can I ask why she's a mutant?"

Hermione's daughter rolled her eyes again. Gandalf walked towards her, and slowly put his arm around her scantily clad shoulders. She looked at him with disgust. "This young lady is not exactly a--um--clear mutant. Show them."

Hermione's daughter quickly unfolded her crossed arms with a huge sigh. Suddenly, erm right… Soon, an even more scantily dressed girl had appeared. Except, this girl was entirely dressed in pink, with pigtails and a small animal shaped book bag. "Hi!" She said happily. Her voice was so perky it was sickening. "I'm, uh..."

"Hermione's daughter," Ron prompted, now shifting his gaze to the new girl.

"Well," she smiled, "not exactly! I'm actually Hermione's daughter's American cheerleader counterpart! Or, I guess you could say I'm her twin!" She giggled.

Hermione was looking at her in disbelief. Her knees buckled.

"WHYYYYYYYY?!" She burst into tears. "It's like the whole crazy teen girl fan episode all over again!"

The cheerleader Hermione's face formed into one of deep disgust. The other one frowned. Harry hurried forward to comfort her. "Ron! Come here! Help me! HELLO! RON!"

Ron shook his head, like he was coming out of a deep trance. "Wha'?"


"I need your help, Ron," Harry said angrily. "Stop staring like Hermione's daughter's American twin is a Veela or something."

Cindie, as everyone suddenly knew was the name of Hermione's daughter's American twin, giggled as if she knew something that no one else did. This was not the case, however, as Gandalf cleared his throat, and rolled his eyes, as if to ask why on earth he had to be stuck with an American cheerleader.

"That is part of the prophecy," he explained, trying to be patient.

"Prophecy?" Hermione asked, interested.

Grateful for a half way intelligent question, Gandalf smiled. "The prophecy that your daughter is to fulfill. It is referred to as-- the Order of the Phoenix!"

"What?" Ron asked, looking bewildered.

Gandalf shrugged. "Hey, it's a fanfic. We had to connect it to Harry Potter somehow. See?" He pulled out a list. "Rules for Writing a Fanfic."

Ron took it, skimming it quickly.

1. Almost every Harry Potter fanfic in some way mentions Harry Potter. It might be helpful to include him when writing one.

2. . .


...Ron was cut off by the appearance of a young Severus Snape who was running away from what seemed to be a pineapple with James Potter's face carved into it.

 Gandalf blinked. "Uh… Onward to Rivendale!"
He sped off leaving everyone else stranded.
"Now what?" Groaned Ron.
Hermione snapped her fingers and a limousine appeared. And who else was driving but the Evil Pink Neon Lord Squid from however many pages back. Once everyone was in they sped off in pursuit off Gandalf. After a few minutes a strange white car came into view with Gandalf driving it, bowling over a couple of elves. Then a blood curdling scream reached their ears. The Ringwraiths were sporting pink S.U.V.s and were in hot pursuit.

 (Insert chase scene)

They somehow managed to reach Rivendale unscathed. Ron had taken a blow to the head but seemed to be feeling fine aside from talking in a strange manner. They had come to the council of DElrond.
Sitting next to him was a pirate person who looked suspiciously like Legolas.


Elrond was sitting quietly in a large elegant chair. Legolas was playing with his little pirate sword. "Welcome friends," said Elrond.

Legolas was humming Row, Row, Row Your Boat. Elrond elbowed him sharply. "Ouch! Oh, hi. Um..." He looked uneasily around him, and then was engulfed in a coughing fit that sounded suspiciously like July 9th. Cindie, in perfect teen fan fashion, rushed forward and threw herself on him.

She grabbed his shirt collar and shook him roughly. "Orli! No, Orlando! You can't die! You can't! I won't let you!"

Legolas coughing subsided as the pressure on his chest increased. Now he couldn't breathe. Cindie screamed. "NOOO! YOU WON'T DIE!"

Hermione ran and pulled Cindie off of him. Ron looked bewildered at the scene in front of him. "Whatcha do that for, 'Mione? And yooooou, pwetty boy, why'd yooooou cough like that?" He was still speaking oddly, and a line of drool was extending from his mouth to his chin.

"Well," Hermione answered sharply, "maybe I'll pulled Cindie off of him so he wouldn't die!"

Elrond was out of his chair, standing off to the side. "And Legolas was trying to tell you all the release date for his new movie."

Legolas just smiled. Cindie swooned, and Hermione's daughter scowled.

Suddenly, a wave of smoke engulfed them all, and who would appear but the Great One herself. JKR. Everyone was awed by her presence.
"It's quite stuffy in here. You! Fetch me a soda!" She said.
Ron nodded numbly and complied immediately for fear that if he didn't, she'd make something horrible happen to him in a future book.
That was not the only people at the council.

Everyone seated themselves and turned to face JKR, who was about to speak. All of a sudden, there was a great trembling in the ground as if there was an earthquake.
"Wh-what's happening?" Harry exclaimed, arms flapping wildly.
"I feared this would happen!" said JKR. "Now that the Order of the Phoenix is out, the fanfiction world is in an upheaval and many old book five fanfictions will vanish. Some, will remain but a good 98.45634574% will disappear into oblivion."
"You-you mean this one- will to?" Hermione's daughter gasped, looking distraught, "I had an appointment at the salon next week!"
"But what about this fanfiction?" Hermione asked squeakily. JKR shook her head.
"NNNNNOOOOO!!!! I SHALL NOT ALLOW THIS!!" The Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom bellowed, appearing in their midst seemingly out of no where.

It was about then that Ron decided to become intelligent. "But we aren't exactly year-specific, are we?"

The Pink Bunny yadda yadda laughed. "Heck, kid, sometimes we're not even gender specific."

"Then we're good, right?" Ron said, turning to plead with the Great One herself. "I mean, we're funny, so that's good, right? Right?"

Thankfully for all those in Fanfiction Land, it was about then that another author came to take the story out of Rhea's hands.

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Note: That's all the pre Order of the Phoenix stuff.

And currently, on Microsoft Word, this story spans 51 pages (Verdana 8 pt font)