Note: This chapter contains spoilers of the Fifth book.
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Harry cleared his throat loudly. "Hello? Somebody read that last part again, loudly, please!"

Hermione cleared her throat. (Verdana 8 pt font)."

He smacked himself in the forehead. "No, that other bit. Thankfully for all those in Fanfiction Land, it was about then that another author came to take the story out of Rhea's hands!"

"Oh, that bit . . ."

However, no other author seemed to be there at the moment to take over, so, until another author were to appear, all of our characters would be frozen in time until I think of something remotely interesting.

Ron cleared his throat. "Ahem, erm, oh great and powerfully author, isn't it time for a random happening that advances that plot?"
And it was at that moment that a great big smiley face fell from the sky and crushed the Council of Elrond.

Ron was yelling something, but it was rather muffled by the gigantic black left eye. "What?" Hermoine asked as she, Hagrid, and the Pink Bunny blah blah blah put their shoulders to the side of the large yellow sphere.

"I said, I want Rhea back!" Ron said angrily, painfully climbing to his feet. "See, she has this thing against needless violence . . . and I rather like it."

Harry sighed. "Like we have a choice? No one visits this thread anymore." He sat down, head in his hands, as JKR looked on, her prediction seeming to come true. I mean, after all, it's not like she's Trelawney or anything, right?

Hermione gasped. "Speak of the devil . . ."


And, indeed Satan was approaching from behind a large rock.

Harry nudged Hermione. "In that context, shouldn't 'Speak of the devil' refer to Professor Trelawny?"

"You'd rather have her here?" Hermione said, turning a disgusted look in his direction.

"Ah, no, just thought I'd mention it." Harry swallowed hard, pulling on his collar as he retreated back to be with Ron. "Now what?"

"We . . . erm, we wait for an author who's in no way related to Rhea?" he squeaked. "Why couldn't it have been a butterfly?"

Needles to say, this was ticking me off, so I scooped up Satan from behind his rock, put him back in his cage, and wiped the scenery completely blank so it looked as if all the characters were hovering in mid-air.

"Thestrals?" Ron asked.

"Nope. Worse."

They (whoever was there at the time, it changes randomly) all looked around at each other. "Who said that?"

A shriek of laughter came out from behind Harry. "Don't you know someone you absolutely hate by their voice?"

Ron looked around. "Erm...no?"

Bellatrix Lestrange appeared out of thin air, a heavy frown on her face. "Heaven forbid you just accept someone's dramatic and mysterious entrance!"

Harry looked as though a lightning bolt had just struck him. He froze, and then seemed to burst into seizure accompanied by screams.

"BELLATRIX!" he screamed. Convulsion. "YOU KILLED SIRIUS!" Convulsion. "I'LL KILL YOU! I SWEAR OVER THAT--" convulsion "--DARN BLACK VEIL, I'LL KILL YOU! YOU KILLED SIRIUS!"

Ron, Hermione, and whoever the heck else that had appeared there, were slowly backing away from Harry. Ron raised his furry red caterpillar eyes, which were once turned blue by Fred and George...ahem...another story there...at Hermione, and she just stared confusedly at him. Ron threw up his hands, and turned towards the twitching Harry.

"Uh, mate, Sirius isn't dead. He's down there somewhere," he pointed vaguely at the nonexistent ground, "snogging some person in a bush."

Harry's eyes were still rolling, and he was occasionally muttering words when he could control his lolling tongue. Bellatrix leaned back with an extremely smug look on her face after she looked utterly bewildered for a minute, apparently with as much of an idea of what was going on as anybody else.

The Great One snapped her fingers in a swiper fashion. "Well, great job, Harry. Just gave away one of the major plot points in the Order of the Phoenix!"
 
"Some person?" a voice said. "So I'm just some person to you, now, am I?"

Harry gasped. "Snape! Nooooooo!" He was so devastated that the convulsions stopped.

Ron turned a blank look on Hermione. "Am I missing something?"

"14.38579% of fanfics are, or involve a hint at, a Harry/Snape pairing," she said in a low voice. "As compared to the 15.798213645% that involve Sevvy and me." Smiling, she twinkled her fingers down to where the bush had appeared, the Potions master next to it.

"What are you doing cheating on me with him?" Harry moaned, tears streaming down his face from his green eyes, the color of which is significant, somehow, but how, we don't know yet.

".00235%," Snape replied cooly.

"Heaven help us all," Ron whispered. "And when I say 'heaven,' I mean someone without a 'Tanardawen' for the last name!"

(The author just laughed. . .)

Harry tried to move, but the cobwebs were sticking to him rather tightly. "I see what she means about not having a life after OotP," he compalined to no one in particular.

Hermione shrugged, sending up a cloud of dust. "Well, we were bound to fall out of interest sooner or later . . . perhaps we should be less strict in our demandes for no senseless violence."

"Yeah, no senseless violence against me and my pretty hair," Legolas said, who had been propped in a corner for a looooong time. "But everyone else is okay."

But suddenly, a new object of interest appeared: JOHNNY DEPP!

Of course, he was dressed in his pirate suit. And, just as suddenly, Legolas was no longer Legolas. He was that other guy in that Disney movie who co-starred with Johnny Depp.

Hermione brushed all the dust off of herself in one motion and walked toward the center of the "fanfiction attic". She bellowed up at the ceiling.

"You can't do that! That "Pirates of the Carribean" movie is from Disney, and this is a Warner Brothers site! They're rivals!"

"Er, Hermione," Ron moved slowly toward her, "don't anger the fanfiction authors...they've already lost enough interest in us...leave her alone...."

Hermione was on a roll and she wasn't about to stop. "Disney is a kids' movie company! They can't make PG-13 movies! They can't!"

Harry tried now. "Hermione, calm down. Um--let's go outside! Get you some sun!"

"And you!" she rounded on him. "You're so overdramatic! I knew the Great One shouldn't have done that! I knew it, but does anyone listen to me? Noooo." 

As Hermione continued babbling, the others became aware of a movement over by the rocks.

"...and I would've passed that test if those two blundering idiots," Hermione waved impatiently at Harry and Ron, "weren't blowing up my notes all the time..."

Satan was stirring in his cage and fixing his malevolent glare upon all of them.

"...bear's back side. Honestly!" Hermione scoffed.

Suddenly he let loose a laugh so evil that-

"... he had the audacity to ask if I wanted more pumpkin juice..."

-startled Harry. He glanced at the others. They were all staring in disbelief, horror, and anguish, though Harry could not tell what it was.

"...paycheck hasn't come in three weeks! Three weeks!" Hermione shouted shaking Pirate-Legolas by the collar.

For from behind the rock had crawled the devil's spawn, Cream Cheese and it's cohort, Mr. Acne.

"...totally injust. Why when I get my hands on that Fawcett..."

Mr. Ance immediately sprung on to each teenager in turn, and horrible pimples flared up all over their perfect-fanfiction faces. Mr, Acne stood there for a second, looking confused at what to do. Cream Cheese indicated the absolutely perfect Legolas/pirate.

Mr. Ance jumped on to him, smothering his face in acne-causing oil. Legolas/Pirate screamed. "MY FACE! MY FACE! It's only second to my golden locks of shining hair! HELP!"

Eerie blue fog* seeped into the room, momentarily freezing everyone in the fanfiction attic. And out of the gloom, emerged Savage.
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*Code of fanfiction, Section 6B: All new-comers or re-comers must enter shrouded in shadow, or something else of that sort (i.e. Flames, fog, cloud, etc.).

(I just had to do...bring out my teenage frustration on the characters...)

Savage blinked. All was silent. The only sound was Legolas's shreiks of agony as Cream Cheese spilled cream cheese directly in Legolas/Will's hair and Hermione's senseless rambling.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! GET IT OFF!! GET IT OFF!!"

"...took five weeks to fix that half-tranfigured rat..."

Just at that moment, a crash was heard as the Ringwraiths in their pink S.U.V.s hurtled through the front door, bowling over Elrond as he returned from the kitchen with the Great One's steak dinner.

"RUINED RUINED I SAY!! THIS'LL TAKE WEEKS TO COME OFF!!!"

"...the point being the Hippogriff was no longer taking orders..."

The Great One however, had no power whatsoever over Elrond or the Ringwraiths to sufficiently punish them for destroying her food, since they originated in the Tolkien universe.

"And my face, my beautiful face! Could take months to restore to it's former glory..." Legolas sobbed.

"...poisoned carrots..." Hermione muttered darkly.

The Ringwraiths were closing in, destroying everything in their path. Everyone looked to Savage for support, but he was busy thwacking his head on a rock multiple times. "...345, 346, 347…"

"358,359,361 . . ."

"Skipped one," Hermione muttered, though no one heard her over cries of, "My face, my hair, I've nothing left to live for, I'm suffering so much I might as well write a symphony, WAHHHH!"

Meanwhile, the Great One was realizing that the creatures from the Tolkein universe, while she had no effect on them, had no effect on her, just her dinner. "Augh! It was cooked perfectly, too!" she ranted, prompting Hermione to join in.

" . . . bloody contracts, always late . . ."

" . . . no more girl fans scraming at me . . ."

" . . . waste of A1 steak sauce . . ."

" . . . flobberworm guts all over the place . . ."

" . . . take months to comb this . . ."

" . . . salad dressing on his face . . ."

Harry screamed.

He screamed because at that moment Albus Percival Wulfic Brian Dumbledore appeared in the middle of the group.

Harry wondered how the Headmaster had gotten there, and as if Dumbledore had read his mind (lol), he turned to Harry and said gently, "I don't need a cloak to become invisible."

Then the only person Big V had ever feared turned to face The Great One, and the steely determination in his blue eyes was almost as great as if he had been facing Big V himself.

"What did I tell you about spending your time gallivanting with your characters in fictional worlds, Joanne?" he said, as if chastising a particularly naughty student. The entire group (whoever the heck is there right now) gasped at how informally he addressed The Great One, but The Great One hung her head looking ashamed.

"I know, Albus," She said, sighing. "But they are quite interesting when they get to decide things for themselves."

"Joanne, I will not tolerate your behavior one moment longer. As I have stressed many times before, you belong at home, at your desk, pen in hand." The determination in his eyes faded to anxiety. "I need to know what happens to me. 78.85% of fanfics have me sacrifice myself to Lord Voldemort, but I cannot see how our world would survive without me...Please finish the series, as quick as you can, Joanne, so that I know."

Everyone was quite touched by this pretty little speech; Legolas had even stopped yelling about his face and hair long enough to wipe a sincere tear from his beautiful eye.

The Great One immediately stood up and declared, "I'll do it! I will finish books 6&7 this year if it kills me!" Then She floated back up to the mysterious land from which She had come.

Hermione blinked. "Did she really say what I think she just said?"

"If you think she said she was going to roast the Orcs and eat them with the rest of her steak sauce . . . no," Ron answered.

She glared. "The Great One just said she was going to finish the series this year, even if it killed her."

"So?" Harry asked, looking utterly unconcerned.

"So?!" Hermoine exclaimed. "so, that means she's going to die!" She was close to tears, as 85.67932% of fans now believe her to be emotionally unstable.

Ron snorted. "Hermione? She lied."

Fans around the world gasped so loudly at this statement that the noise was heard by our group far away in Middle-Earth.

Hermione gasped as the world-wide gasp was replaced by the sound of world-wide excited chatter. "What're they saying?" she asked, still in shock.

Harry screwed up his face, listening intently, ignoring Legolas who was pointing at him declaring, "I hope your face gets stuck like that!"

"They think that if The Great One lied about that, then She also lied about Sirius' death," he said over Legolas' taunting, for indeed, his face had stuck in a grotesque position. "They've never been this excited before!"

All of a sudden, though a cloud of black smoke, Sirius walked in, smililng.