Disclaimer: I am a humble servant of J.K. Rowling, taking her characters to ridiculous levels.

"Wait, Professor!"

"Yes, Miss Granger?"

"You never told me about the ex-girlfriend who left all her pink fuzzy stuff."

"The story is over, Miss Granger."

"But, sir, there's this huge gaping plot hole."

"This is a Harry Potter story. There are always gaping plot holes."

"But, sir,"

"The story is over."

"Don't you want to tell me about it? I mean, keeping all these things inside is just not healthy."

"That's it! I'm expelling you from Hogwarts if you pull another one of these psychiatrist trips on me again!"

"I'm just saying, it would be interesting if you filled the audience in,"

"MISS GRANGER! THIS STORY IS OVER! OVER OVER OVER OVER!"

"Guys, I think the story is over."

"Oh, shit, what is Potter doing here?"

"Stating the obvious, as usual. Ignore him."

"Would any of you care for a lemon drop?"

"Merlin's beard, where do these people keep coming from?"

"I just wanted to offer you all a lemon drop, blimey. You are rude."

"Look, everyone, I am tired and desire to go to bed. This story is OVER."

"Professor, I think you are running away from the truth."

"All right, Miss Granger. Three thousand points from Gryffindor and you are to leave this school at once!"

"No, Hermione don't go!"

"Who is THAT?"

"It's Ron, Ron Weasley... I've come to beg you to let Hermione stay."

"Hey, Ron, I'm here, too!"

"Fascinating though that is, Potter, this story is over." "No, Professor, we're not done!"

"Hermione, I love you."

"It's dark in here."

"I am twinkly and like lemon drops."

"Albus, come to bed."

"Screw the lemon drops! I'm out!"

"I'm going to be sick."

"Shut up and kiss me, Ron!"

"Now I'm really going to be sick."

"Has anyone seen Trevor?"

"NO! NO MORE CHARACTERS! THIS STORY IS OVER!"

"Calm down, Professor."

"IF ALL OF YOU DO NOT LEAVE RIGHT NOW, I WILL SUMMON THE DARK LORD VOLDEMORT AND HE WILL TORTURE YOU UNTIL THE LAST MOLECULE OF LIFE HAS LEFT YOUR SORRY BODIES!"

"Professor Snape, that's not nice."

"I didn't say that."

"Who did?"

"I think it was the same person who is touching my ass."

"I just love you so much, Professor!"

"Oh, it's Malfoy. Ignore him."

"Professor, I just want your approval. Please, love me!"

"I will say this one more time. THE STORY IS OVER!" silence

"Thank Merlin."

"Just kidding, Snape, we're still here!"

"What is that noise?"

"I think Snape is fuming."

"Is that all? Nothing unusual there."

"Ronald Weasley! Do not insult your teachers!"

"Mum..."

"Your father's here, too. We're taking you home. This place has gone mad."

"Has it really?"

"Yes, Arthur. As we speak, Dumbledore and McGonagall are.."

"Okay, I'm still here. Just don't finish that sentence, please."

"Is that Professor Snape, really?"

"Yes, Mr. Weasley, it is me. Insisting once again, for the benefit of all feeble-minded Gryffindors and one particularly irritating Slytherin, that this is the end of our story."

"Are you saying I'm irritating, Professor? Won't you ever love me?" *sobbing*

"I'm going to go find some trouble - er, I mean, do my homework."

"I'm off to continue snogging Ron."

"That's disgusting."

"I'm going to go lay in your bed and sniff your underthings."

"That's even more disgusting."

silence

"Is everyone gone? Because I'm prepared to do an Unforgivable and suffer the consequences if you're not." silence

"Thank Merlin."

cry from the distance

"Does anybody have a prophylactic?"

"I'm going to drown myself."