"Oh, Sirius!" Harry cried, flinging his arms wide and running in slow motion toward his godfather. Beautiful, moving music began to play and they were no longer wherever they were, but in a field of wildflowers, clothes in the purest white.

"Harry!" Sirius cried joyfully, still in slow motion, grabbing his godson around the waist and whirling him through the air. Flower petals fell from someplace above, high in the clear blue sky.

Hermione cleared her throat. Suddenly everything was regular speed and back in fanfiction land. "Umm, what happened here?"

Ron turned towards her, with a surprised look on his face. "See you've stopped ranting."

Hermione scowled at him. "Well, why you were busy seeing that I finished raving, Sirius and Harry had an intimate godfather-godson moment, and I feel that since our friend is here that had been deceased for a little while cam back, I think it polite to stop ranting." She took at breath. "And anyway, I'm not done yet."

She turned back to Harry and Sirius, who were now joined at the hip--

Legolas cleared his throat. "Um, don't think you've forgotten something?"

Sigh. ...Who were now joined at the hip, figuratively speaking, of course, smiling widely at everyone.

"What just happened?"

Sirius took a deep breath, brushed his long dark hair out of his eyes (cue for another collective gasp from the Sirius-lovers of the world), and said, "Well, as the Harry Potter movies are becoming more and more cliche-like --"

"We have movies?"

Hermione rolled her eyes (which she seemed to be doing a lot of lately). "Yes, Ron, remember Rupert and his lot coming to see us? And Daniel Radcliffe...."

A dreamy expression crossed her face, and Ron elbowed her. "R & H. Remember, it's all about the R & H!"

"Right...as I was saying...many of the fanfictions have been imitating the movies, so, dream-like reunion sequences."

Harry was tugging on his godfather's arm. "Come on, Sirius! Let's do another one! And on the beach this time!"

Sirius rumpled Harry's already-messy hair in a touching, fatherly manner.

"Not right now, Harry." He smiled affectionately. "Don't you want to know how I came back to life despite the fact that The Great One deemed it impossible?"
Harry shrugged, disappointed.

"Oh, come on Sirius, everyone knows that in 79.23% of post-OotP fanfics you are somehow rescued from behind the veil of darkness in the Department of Mysteries." A pensieve expression settled on his face. "But, in true fanfiction fashion, I'm sure there is some detailed and highly unlikely explanation for your miraculous return."

"Aside from the whims of his screaming fangirls, you mean?," Hermione asked scathingly.

"Well, of course aside from that," replied Sirius, "do you think my screaming fangirls would actually adimit that they're screaming fangirls? Really Hermione, I expected better of you."

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FLASH BACK

Our heroes are now sitting in the common room:
"Oh no!" shrieked Hermione suddenly, "We've got to start revising!"
"But Hermione," said Harry, confused, "we haven't actually had any classes this year, remember?"
"I know, but that's what it says over there," she said, pointing to a bulletin board that hadn't been there a second before. On it was a note that said 'EXAMS START MONDAY'.
"How will we learn things fast enough?" moaned Ron, "We haven't got any books!"
"Don't worry, I've got everything we'll need right here," Hermione soothed, pulling a small wheelbarrow full of school supplies out of a nearby disappearing broom cupboard. She divided everything up between them and soon they were all frantically speed-reading through textbooks. Several hours later the boys stumbled up to bed; Ron was still muttering something about the importance of beetle eyes in potion-making as he dropped off.
*************
They were awakened by Hermione bursting into their dormitory, of which they were for some reason the only occupants, fully clothed in [insert long description here] and yelling, "We passed, we passed!"
As they hurried downstairs in her wake, Ron muttered to Harry, "Do you remember taking any tests mate?", to which Harry replied, "No, I guess the author couldn't be bothered to describe them; but then, that's their prerogative, right?"
Ron was about to ask what 'prerogative' meant, when they entered the common room, now packed with students who hadn't been there the day before. Fighting their way through the crowd they found that the bulletin board now contained lists of marks. Hermione was top of course, and Harry and Ron won't be mentioned.
Harry, Ron, Hermione and some random people were in their compartment on the Hogwarts Express— Nothing at all happened in the last two weeks apart from the huge feast on the last day, which was even more memorable than usual. The Weasley twins managed to slip some 'special ingredients' into Snape's goblet, causing him to skip uncontrollably around the Great Hall whilst singing show tunes at the top of his voice. Things deteriorated rather quickly after that.— when Draco Malfoy stepped in. "Well, well," he drawled, "If it isn't Potter and—"
Suddenly a short, dirty man (whom Harry might have mistaken for a long-haired goblin apart from his nose) appeared right in front of him, causing him to cry out and his pointed hat to fall to the ground. The man fixed his beady eyes on Harry. "What," he said croakily, "is yer name?"
"Harry Potter," said Harry promptly, surprised.
"What…is yer quest?"
"To stop Lord Voldemort."
"What…is yer favourite colour?"
"Gold."
The man looked slightly disappointed, then turned to Hermione. "What…is yer name?"
"Hermione Granger."
"What…is yer quest?"
"To read every book in the Hogwarts Library before I finish 7th year." This prompted some chuckles from the others in the compartment.
"What…is yer favourite colour?"
"Chudley Cannon Orange," she said. Ron gave her a shocked look.
"Next the man turned to Moldy Voldy, who had just issued from Draco' fallen hat, along with an extra bottle of hair gel ("I wondered where I put that," said Malfoy, and began inching toward it.).
"What…is yer name?"
"Lord Voldemort." (He glared around, daring anyone to contradict him.)
"What…is yer quest?"
"To rule the world! Muahahahaha!"
"What…is the capital of Assyria?"
Voldy looked confused. "I don't know…"
A small bottomless pit opened underneath him. As he fell into it, Draco made a dive for his hair gel, and fell in also. The little man turned to find a new victim—and fell into his own pit, which had just moved over two feet. Muttering something about "shoddy set management," Hermione repaired the floor.
"Well," said Ron, "now that that's dealt with, I think we should—"

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I should have edited that in somewhere that would make more sense, but 56.3455656% of fanfics don't make sense anyway...

************************************************************************************************************

"Yeah," Sirius said with a grin. "See, I had this long-lost daughter-"

ALL: "Noo! Not another Mary Sue!"

"Oh, no," Sirius assured them. "She's my DARK AND TROUBLED daughter who will turn out to be secretly working for Voldemort to return honor to the Black family name. But in the meantime, she used her unexplained but tremendous powers of necromancy to return me from the land of the dead, where my body was floating in a semiconscious state."

Draco suddenly apparated in the midst of the group. ("You can't apparate into the Hogwarts grounds!") For some reason, he was clad in black jeans and a green silk shirt-it seemed that this year's Draco cliché of choice was...

SEX GOD DRACO!

"Did someone say DARK AND DISTURBING female necromancer?" he asked suavely, running a manicured hand through his *perfect* silver-blonde hair. "I assume she's darkly gorgeous, too?" There was a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.

Sirius gave him a look of deep mistrust. "You don't have a chance, Malfoy. In true fanfic fashion, she will unexpectedly be sorted into Gryffindor, and endear herself to Harry by her ACTS OF GREAT WIZARDRY, after which they will end up snogging in the dungeons."

"No, Black, you're mistaken," Draco said with a knowing smirk. "Aside from being SEX GOD DRACO, I am also REDEEMED DRACO!

Hermione's eyebrows were knitted.
"Doesn't that usually mean that you end up shagging me or Ginny, though?" She checked her copy of Fanfiction Statistics for Dummies.
"Yes, right here." She jabbed her finger at the page excitedly. "In 89% of REDEEMED DRACO fics, Draco is romantically involved with either Hermione or Ginny (79% Hermione, 10% Ginny.)"

Draco sighed in exasperation. "No, you Mudblood fool. At the start, I only pretend to be redeemed so that I can shag the DARK AND DISTURBING necromancess. I don't actually turn into REDEEMED DRACO until I actually fall in love with her and see the error of my ways. But the moment I turn in my Death Eater robes, I find out in a tragic twist that she's actually an evil spy. Of course, this is an Angsty and Tragic fanfic, so I wind up being forced to kill her in the end."

He finished his explanation and suavely squirted some peppermint breath spray into his mouth. "So where is my tragic love?"

Sirius checked his watch. "Oh, you'll meet her soon enough. It's July 30th, about time for Harry's Really Scary, Angsty, Complicated, and Heartbreaking Sixth Year to begin...."

Harry tried to say something but everything went spinning in a rush of color and he found himself back at the smallest bedroom in Number 4 Privet Drive.

------Here Starts Spoof on Fanfics Part 2: The Really Scary, Angsty, Complicated, and Heartbreaking Sixth Year-------