Hermione was screaming so loudly it could be heard all the way in Egypt. For not only was she back in her bedroom, but upon glancing in the mirror, she discovered her perfect-fanficiton physique had reverted to it's original bushy hair. But that could be fixed of course. Most people that aren't stupid wonder how our lovable characters become super models overnight. It looks like were about to find out. Hermione opened her closet doors, and three hundred different colored and sized Gilderoy Lockhart hair products came tumbling out. She selected one and applied it to her skin. She took another out of the pile after much deliberation and spilled it all over her bushy mass of brown stuff that some more ignorant people call hair. In seconds, it transformed into the sleek shiny fanfiction hair that 78.354323265578% of authors prefer. By dawn, she had used up every single bottle from the closet and had transformed. It had took the whole night of course.
****************************
Harry sighed. He was back with the stupid fat Dursleys for another month. Of course following tradition, it just so happened to be four in the morning and therefore making Harry sixteen. He glanced at the window waiting. Any moment Hedwig would soar through with his letters from friends. Harry waited... and waited... suddenly there was a crash from outside and a rustling of bushes. Whatever was out there, it certainly wasn't Hedwig... or any other Owl for that matter.

Harry peered out into the darkness.
"R-2! This is most certainly NOT the correct movie set! I don't even think it's a movie set at all! I told you to take that right turn but you don't ever listen do you? NO!"


After getting over his shock, Harry leaned out the window, and cleared his throat over the argument that was going on outside.

A robot awkwardly looked up at him. "Yes?" he asked, in a bit of a haughty voice.

"Erm...who are you, and why are you in the bushes under my window?"

"I am C-3PO, and this," he turned back towards the smaller blue and white robot at his side, hands on his metal hips, "is R2D2."

"And...uh...why are you here?" Harry was feeling a tad uncomfortable.

"Well, now that we know you're Harry Potter--"

Harry rubbed his head. He didn't recall telling C-3PO his name, but that didn't matter, as this is fanfiction land.

"--we've come to tell you about the Green Flame Torch."

"The-wha'?"

The robot looked down at the ground before answering. Harry was sure that if he could move his face, he would've been making an exasperated look.

"The Green Flame Torch. Supposedly it's the name of the next Harry Potter book."

"WHY DOES SOMETHING USUALLY HAPPEN ON MY BIRTHDAY?! I DON'T GET IT! AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THIS WAS HARRY POTTER LAND FIVE SECONDS AGO, SO HOW CAN YOU KNOW ABOUT THE GREEN FLAME TORCH?!"

C-3PO waved off this fact and continued.

"You see," C3P0 explained, "there has been a great disturbance in the Force, causing Luke Skywalker, the one who was supposed to bring balance to The Force, to perish in a bizzare accident involving the kidnapping of an anorexic Hutt, seven pod racers, a drunk wookie, and this weird, unexplained green light-"

"That's the green flame torch, right?" Harry asked excitedly. He had watched STAR WARS from the crack of his door enough times to follow the gist of what had happened, but one thing remained unexplained. "Wait a sec...STAR WARS is just a movie, though! And a series of cheesy spinoff books," he added thoughtfully. "what on Earth is going on?"

"Nothing's going on on Earth," C3P0 said with much exasperation. "We are fictional characters, much like yourself and those from-oh, what was it...Lord of the Stings? Oh well, nevermind." The tall, golden robot flicked his hand impatiently. "However, we are so loved by our fans that our fictional universes have taken on lives of their own-manipulated, unfortunately, by many strange, strange minds."

Harry nodded, both in understanding and agreement. "Right then-so this green flame torch thing, how did it kill Luke? And what are you doing here?"

If C3P0 were capable of it, Harry was sure he would have rolled his eyes.
"I said an unexplained green light," He trilled in exasperation, finally extricating himself and his short-statured companion from the now-trammeled bushes. "This is totally off the point. We were going to go get the X-men to help, but you'll do just as well. I understand that you're having some diplomatic issues with a wizard named Voldemort?"

Harry wasn't sure how to respond. 'Diplomatic issues' was a bit of an understatement.

"Well, we can offer you the solution to your troubles," he assured Harry, "But we need to ask something in return..."

"What?" Harry asked eagerly, so anxious to rid the world of Big V that he didn't stop to think that the whole situation made no sense at all.

"We can let you have our best diplomatic mind in exchange for your friend Hermione's Time Turner," C-3PO replied.

This only confused poor Harry more. "We don't need a diplomatic mind! We need a warrior!"

C-3PO made a sound that might have been clearing his throat, except he didn't have one. "Princess Leia has proven herself in battle over and over, but she goes undercover as a diplomat."

"Oh," Harry said, stopping for a moment to imagine this "Princess Leia" in action--but we can't describe what he fantasized because this ff is rated PG. "What do you need a Time Turner for?"

"To go back in time and get Master Luke back, of course," C-3PO said in his annoyingly superior robot voice.

And in finest fanfiction tradition, Hermione had happened to give Harry the Time Turner this summer for safe keeping, so Harry immediately tossed it down to the waiting droids. There was a loud crack behind Harry as he watched C-3PO carefully turn the tiny hour glass over and disappear.

Harry turned around. "Princess Leia," he gasped.

She shook her head slowly. "Now that I am back in the world of my birth, I want to go by my true name: Leia Black."

Leia smiled sweetly, then Harry noticed something and screamed.
"OMIGOD! A FAKE HAND!" He grabbed the respective fake hand, which was actually quite cute and golden.
"No, no," assured Leia, "that's just from my travels in the Old Kingdom. Nicholas Sayre just didn't buy the explanation that I had accidentally grown younger because of some screwed-up Charter Magic."
"Huh?" asked Harry, but Leia had no oppurtunity to answer, since a young man with dark hair, wearing very stupid clothes, jumped into Harry's window.
"LIRAEL!" he screamed. "LIRAEL, YOU'RE MY AUNT, BUT I ALWAYS LOVED YOU!" Leia kicked him out of the HP universe with her superb, godly kung-fu master skills.
"Sorry, Sameth," she called after him, "but Wallmakers just aren't my type!" She waved her arm, and the golden hand disappeared, courtesy of Cliched Magical Spells That Don't Even Require Somebody To Freakin' Wave A Wand.
Aunt Petunia suddenly ran up to Harry's room for absolutely no reason at all.
"OUT, you filthy other-universers!" she shrieked angrily, smacking the robots that Henna didn't bother to write the names of, since she's lazy and she doesn't like Star Wars. "OUT!" And they vanished away. "But you can stay," she added to Leia. "Because I have a tendency to do really stupid things, since I'm a Dursley. Have a nice chat with Harry, dear--I'll bring up some sandwiches and a couple glasses of milk." She walked off, humming "Moon River".
"So..." said Harry "... you've been in the Star Wars universe... how's that going?" But at that moment, an extremely grumpy looking black-haired young woman, also with a golden hand, popped into Harry's bedroom.
"You've been messing with my man!" she shouted angrily. "Nobody touches Nicholas Sayre but ME! ME!"
"Cool surcoat," said Harry.
"Why thank you," she replied sweetly. "The keys stand for my Abhorsen father, and the stars for my Clayr mother. Now back to business." She grabbed a bell out of a bandolier that she was wearing. "Do you know what THIS is, you little "Oh look at me! I'm part Abhorsen, and part Clayr, and part Royal, and part Wallmaker, and I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread--wait a second, we don't even have sliced bread in the Old Kingdom... oh never mind--and EVERYBODY LOVES ME!" girl?"
"Saraneth," said Leia, managing to look bored, superior, tragic, and sexy all at the same time. "So, you're going to send me past the Ninth Gate."
"Worse," the woman told her, smirking and ending up looking very much like Bellatrix Lestrange. "I'm going to make you do the Chicken Dance, then I'll make you scratch your perfect manicure... and then, THEN," she added, pausing for the Incredibly Cliched Dramatic Evil Plot-Giver's Mandatory Pause, "I'm going to send you to sleep with Ranna, and I'm going to cut your long, perfect, sleek, shiny, shimmering, glistening, lustrous, wondrous, ethereal, incandescent hair."
Leia and Harry both started to scream.

"NO!" screamed Tonks (who had also appeared into the room from absolutely nowhere). "YOU CANNOT HARM HER!"
"Why not?" asked Lirael (who the black-haired woman obviously was). "All she does is cause 5 billion love triangles and end up being the center of a crappy, sickly-sweet plot."
"But she's a Mary-Sue," Tonks countered, "and so we all love her for no conceivable reason!" She promptly turned her hair blonde, let it grow down to past her waist, snapped her fingers, and was suddenly wearing a robe spangled with stars and a circlet set with moonstones (I haven't read a description of the Clayr in a long time, so bear with me here people.) "To defeat a character from Garth Nix's Old Kingdom Trilogy Thiggummy," she continued dangerously, "it takes a character from Garth Nix's Old Kingdom Trilogy Thiggummy! Lirael, I am your mother Arielle!"
"No you're not," Lirael told her. "You're just a weirdo who looks somewhat like her."
"Oh shut up," snapped Tonks grumpily. She snapped her fingers yet again, and was instantly tanned with blue eyes, and a Charter Mark. "Now I am," she said. Giving herself a quick once-over, she added thoughtfully, "I look hot in this ensemble. Maybe I should keep it on for the next date I have with Kingsley Shacklebolt."
"Kingsley Shacklebolt?" chorused Harry, Leia, and Lirael. "Like, ewwwww."
"Oh shut up!" snarled Tonks/Arielle, Daughter of the Clayr. Lirael held Saraneth. Tonks/Arielle, Daughter of the Clayr held out her hand.
"Bring it on, you dead person!"
"Bring it on yourself, you Ancelstierran-snogging, one-handed, surcoat-wearing, dog-loving, bell-wielding HOBO!"


Tonks/Arielle, Daughter of the Clayr started speaking Charter Marks.
"Hey wait!" shouted Harry. "Aren't you doing it wrong too? Shouldn't you be SAYING something, not just--"
"Garth Nix never wrote what to say, Harry," Tonks/Arielle, Daughter of the Clayr replied. She was now stringing Charter Marks together to form a large, glowing circle. Lirael was busy pulling out Kibeth and Dyrim (having decided she wanted to make Tonks sing the Pokemon theme song as well as send her past the Ninth Gate, doing a twisted renindition of the chicken dance all the way.) Leia was starting to touch up her nail polish, though Harry really couldn't see anything wrong with it.
"Traveling through alternate universes can really play havoic with your manicure," she told him matter-of-factly. Lirael then raised Saraneth high; Tonks/Arielle, Daughter of the Clayr grabbed hold of the giant circle and prepared to throw it like a big, golden hula hoop--
"GET TO KILLING EACH OTHER ALREADY!" screamed Harry at the top of his lungs. Tonks threw the Charter-Mark-Hula-Hoop at Lirael, but she ducked and it went through into the next room, taking most of Harry's wall with it. Aunt Petunia came into the room soon after, carrying a plate of sandwiches and two glasses of milk.
Although she had been aable to take her living room being blasted apart, Aunt Petunia stared, gave a piercing shriek and fainted.
"Now," Leia cried, "let me establish my awesome fighting powers, keep the Great One from killing me, and change this fic back from a crossover into what it should be: a needlessly sappy, completely plotless piece of crud centering around yours truly!" She jumped into the air and stayed there.
"She can fly!" exclaimed Harry.
"She can FLY!" gasped Tonks/Arielle, Daughter of the Clayr. Lirael remained silent.
"C'mon," coaxed Harry, "let's make it three..."
"Oh fine," muttered Lirael. "She can fly."

Suddenly Aunt Petunia seemed to come to herself and shrieked, pointing at the intruders.

"MUD ALL OVER THE FLOOR!! OUT OUT OOOUUUT!"

And then using her newly aquired erm... combat skills, she banished the intruders. (Execpt Mrs. Black of course who was polishing her fingernails.

"Who is this-er-woman?" Aunt Petunia said looking at Harry as if he were dirt she'd like to get rid of (though she had just brought them milk and sandwiches).

"She's the daughter of my convicted murderer godfather," Harry said mechanically.

Aunt Petunia looked as if she wanted to say something else, but obviously the thought of angering Sirius stopped her and she left the room muttering about 'dust bunnies of DOOM.'

"Harry," Leia Black said as she finished with her fingernails. "I am pretty sure your aunt is a squib. But before I can tell you why I think so, we really must be going."

"Going where?" Harry asked, very confused, but before Leia answered, she had grabbed his hand and the smallest bedroom of number 4 Privet Drive dissolved around them. Harry found himself, surprisingly, in an empty bathtub in Hogwarts.

"Uh..." he stammered out.

Leia stamped her feet on the porcelain floor. She let out a string of swearwords, which we will not mention.

"I thought you were all-powerful," said Harry, raising his eyebrows.

She was having a bit of a temper tantrum. Leia whipped around, grabbed Harry's shoulders, and shook him while screaming in his face. "I am! I am! I am!"

She stopped, breathing hard, but her fingers were still biting into his arms. "I'd let go if I were you. I'll tell Sirius if you don't."

Leia just kept on staring at him, looking like a mad bull. "And, you're going to mess up your nail polish," he pointed out.

Her lower lip trembled, and she released him. Automatically, a bottle of a deep purplish red nail polish appeared beside her, and she began painting her nails again in smooth strokes.

"So, where are we going?"

(I tried to stop the needless violence, but it just came!)

While Leia polished her fingernails, Harry started to hang his head and sob in a very cute, heartbreakingly sweet, sorrowful way.
"Oh," he wept, "woe is me! Doomed to fight the Dark Lord before I can ever truly live! Why, oh why, oh why was I cursed this way? Would that I could simply be hit by a silver bullet and--oh crap, that's one of Remus's angsty lines, never mind. I need true love! I need guidance! I need yet another mentor to add to my horde of already-existing mentors!"
"Do you think this color is really my type of shade?" asked Leia.
"Oh, life is so gloomy and dreary! I see in shades of grey! Everything is so completely morbid and depressing! I'm such a troubled teen! I need to slit my wrists!"
"Maybe I should try something a little more metallic."
"How long has it been since I have truly since the sun shine? How long has it been since I last heard the sweet, lovely, beautiful birds singing?"
"But shell pink is good too... you just can't go wrong with shell pink."
"The world is hell! Every day I live is torture! Every breath I inhale is poisonous, burning my lungs into ash--metaphorically speaking of course. It's all agony! Agony! AGONYYYYYYYYYY!"
"But maybe I should just put on some nice aqua, or maybe turqouise."
"DOOM! PAIN! MISERY! DEATH! TORTURE! HELL! MUST--COMMIT--SUICIDE!" Harry started thonking his head against the faucet in a state of teenage angst, and eventually knocked himself out on it.

Suddenly, with a cracking sound, Bellatrix Lestrange apparated into the room. Harry instantly regained consciousness just in time for a needlessly angsty confrontation.
"You--you--YOU KILLED SIRIUS!" he screamed, trying to jump out of the bathtub and attack her.
"Uh, Harry?" asked Bellatrix. "Sirius is ALIVE, remember? His necromancer daughter resurrected him."
"Oh, yeah... But the fangirls don't like you. In fact, they hate you. And that means, because of popular demand, I HATE YOU! YOU... YOU... YOU..."
"Not the brightest crayon in the box, is he?" Bellatrix asked sarcastically.
"ENOUGH!" shouted Leia. "Since I didn't get an opportunity to show off my awesome near-immortal fighting powers--"
"Well, you did kick that guy out of our universe back into the Old Kingdom--"
"Oh, shut up Harry. I will kick your butt into the next dimension, you KILLER!"
"Oh, that REALLY hurt."
"SHUT UP! REMEMBER, EVEN THOUGH I SOUND LIKE AN IDIOT, I'M REALLY A GENIUS!"

Leia executed one of her awesome-near-immortal-super-indefeatable-fighting-powers against Bellatrix who simply dodged. Bellatrix cackled and activated her rainbow colored lightsaber (which just so happened to appear out of nowhere) and cackled.
"It is time for the world to now the true identity of whom killed Sirius Balck." She said, "I am not truly Bellatrix Lestrange. My father encountered a portal from his fictional dimension to another where he met my mother. They- (this is currently PG so we don't feel the need to describe anything) had me. One year after my birth, my parents had a dispute over who really stole the cookies from the cookie jar. The argument became so intense that they eventually divorced and I was placed in the custody of my father. He took me out of that world and back into his own, but it soon became apparent I did not belong there. He could not take me back for my mother had eaten a radioactive banana and had disapeared and was assumed dead. So he dumped me here with the Lestranges- I was two by then- and was raised as one of their own. But now I shall reveal my true identity:
Bellatrix Ohmsford Fowl!"


Harry blinked. "Fowl? Isn't that, like, one of those book series that they say is in competition with me?"

"But I'm not really wearing anything that'll go with shell pink," Leia murmuered. "I'm sorry, what was that?"

Bellatrix laughed. "Yes, another little boy who decides to get into a lot of trouble. He even has black hair!" She cackled most realistically.

"But he's a Mud Man - er, Muggle. So how's he supposed to threaten me?" Harry looked really confused, and the marks from the faucet had not yet faded completely from his forehead.

"He sent me!" Towering over him, Bellatrix tried the laugh again, but she had to cough, eyes watering, and the iris camera Foaly had given her slipped out. "Oh no!"

"Yes, I think shell pin would be amistake," Leia mused. "So then: turquoise or sea blue?"

Leia suddenly glanced out of the corner of her eye and finally noticed Bellatrix's presence. Of course, being the Angst-ridden, mysterious long-lost necromancess that she was, she was completely unshaken. With an extremely disdainful sneer, she shot a really ANGSTY looking deep-purple light out of her pinky finger-because she is way too COOL for a wand-and Bellatrix Lestrange mysteriously disappeared.
Leia wrinkled her nose. "Ugh, I mussed up my base coat! I think I'll do eggplant after all. It'll show everyone how incredibly DARK and ANGSTY I am."

Harry stared at her with a look of hopeless admiration and longing. His deep emerald green eyes shone with tears of ANGST and DESPAIR.

"Oh, Leia," he sobbed at her back it traditional melodramatic fashion. "Dammit, I've fallen desperately in love with your angsty, mysterious powers, but I know I can never have you! I am a mere, pathetic mortal!" He extended his wrists to her. "Kill me now!"

Leia turned around and patted his head fondly. "Well, in 15% of ANGSTY fanfics we'd be snogging right now, but you see, I have to make mysterious allusions to a really cool-sounding artifact that is the key to destroying Voldemort. But then I'll suddenly refuse to talk about it anymore, and the plot will be suspended for another five chapters while everyone angsts over their tangled, complicated love lives."

"Oh, ok," Harry responded cheerfully. "But you do know Draco will somehow coax the secret out of you, only to find out that you have tricked us into unearthing the very artifact that he needs to achieve total world domination."

Leia shrugged and casually turned her hair the same deep eggplant as her nails, with sky-blue streaks to match her color-contacts. "Yeah, alright then. Let's do the 'mysterious introduction of artifact' scene now and get it over with."
She yawned and hummed a few scales. Suddenly, A sphere of black mists was swirling about the two young wizards, dramatically accented by rolling thunder and bright flashes of lightning. Leia's eyes glazed over in this REALLY spooky way and she began chanting something in an extremely high-pitched, HAUNTING voice.

"The (color)(material)(item of jewlery/random houshold object) of (element/weather condition) is the key. Only When the beige ferret, the flaming leader, the escaper of death, and the seeker of knowledge unite can it be found. The (item) is the answer! The (item) will usher in the age of greatness!"

The special effects died down and Leia nonchalantly went back to painting her nails.