Dumbledore blinked a few times looking confused.
"Ahem... all first years should note the forest is out of bounds... the list of forbidden items can be veiwed at Flich's office has grown to 7,437 items (4,687 of which were Weasley WIzard Weezes products) And now let the feast beg-"
However he was cut off as the scene jumped to breakfast the next morning, just as all the Owls were flying in with the post. A barn Owl landed next to Harry with a copy of the Daily Prophet which had startling headline news.


DUST BUNNIES OF DOOM TAKE CONTROL OF EGYPT
Last Monday, the Dust Bunnies of Doom (The Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom's Younger brother) took over Egypt with his/its army of Goblins armed with custard pie spewing bazookas. Of course nobody cares as in 76.53357906857% of fanfictions everybody totally forgets about what's going on in the outside world.

"So why the heck are you telling us, then?" Harry muttered under his breath.

"Custard Pie Spewing Bazookas?" said Hermione in a shrill voice. Everyone stared at her from their dark-circle surrounded eyes, scowls knitting their brows. "Oh, sorry," she said in a ANGSTY voice. "Forgot. So, anyway...Custard Pie Spewing Bazookas?"

Ron banged his fists on the table in a very ANGRY way. "Yeah, Hermione, that's what it said!"

Hermione gave him a very rude gesture (which will not be described, in continued hopes to keep this PG-13), that was so unlike her giddy-boy loving self that was in existence last year. Ginny gasped. Harry kicked her from under the table. "DARK and ANGSTY, remember?" he hissed.

"Anyway, what I was going to say about the Custard Pie Spewing Bazookas was the only way to defeat them is to use one of the (color)(material)(item)of(element/weather condition)'s. You see, the Orange Seashells of Happiness aren't the only (color)(material)(item)of(element/weather condition) in existence. Ten different (color)(material)(item)of(element/weather condition) are known to exist. Each have a different power. I suggest we try to learn more about the Orange Seashells of Happiness to see if they can be wielded against the Custard Spewing Bazooka Goblins."
Harry scowled deeply, for he knew from past experience that the Seashells would end up being the bane of his DARK ANGSTY TROUBLED mood.
"Can't we employ one of the other nine (color)(material)(item)of(element/weather condition)s?" He growled.
"Well there is the (color)(material)(item)of(element/weather condition) #2: the Purple silk-covered Toaster of Power... but all that does is make toast.." Hermione said frowning.
"What's (color)(material)(item)of(element/weather condition) #3?"

"The Mauve Diamond-Encrusted Dinner Roll of Sleet," said Rems matter-of -factly. Everybody scowled because he was cramping their angsty style by not wearing black and being sullen 24/7. "Well, sleet is a weather condition!" he snapped. "...Sorta..." He continued to get scowls. "Oh fine!" he shouted grumpily. "I'll angst!" Rems adopted a mournful, "I'm-a-monster-and-I-hate-myself-and-the-world-is-so-prejiduced-against-me-and-I-might-as-well-just-shoot-myself-in-the-head" look--
"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" shouted Professor Lupin from the staff table (for he had, as he always does, come back to Hogwarts--but he came back very angstily, or course!) "I patented that look back in '71!" Rems glared at him, and walked away from the table.
"Well," said Hermine, "even we typo twins can have angsty forbidden romances!" She smiled, and she and Rems walked out of the hall, holding hands, to snog in a broom closet and angst. Darco would have felt left out, but at the moment he was too busy attemping (and failing) to breakdance atop the Hufflepuff table. The Hufflepuffs were glaring at him. Angstily.

"I don't like the idea of something mauve and shiny in this fanfiction," another author's blantant self-insertion, Kelpy Lion, said from her seat where she'd been discussing poetry and other equally angsty things with her housemates, shaking her head and scowling deeply. (She had ironically been sorted into Ravenclaw before the hat even touched her head.)"Mauve and shiny...that is SO not angsty enough. As this ANGST fanfic's official omniscient entity/angsty poetess, I declare that the key to your troubles is The Grey Asbestos Care-Bear of ANGST." She paused, and a perplexed expression overcame her face. "Oh, no, I don't know how to use it, though."

Everyone in the Great Hall scowled at her angstilly.

"Oh," said Harry with sullen resentment. "I guess that means we'll have to go on some sort of extremely arduous and emotionally painful adventure to find out, then, won't we?"

"Yes, then," Ron agreed with a sigh of great despair. "We'll have to go to-he shuddered in fear-Care-A-Lot, the place of no angst, to look it up."

There were many depressed and sullen sighs at this, and a couple of people committed suicide for no reason except holding up the angsty atmosphere.

"Ooooh, Care Bears," Ginny giggled happily. "I have this Cheer Bear shirt that, like, SOOO goes with my Avril-style tie and..."
One of the resident necromancers temporarily killed her, so that our heroes (and a couple of new additions, of course) could set out on their adventure, once again ignoring their classes, except, of course, for Necromancy.


"Well," Hermione said, "We WOULD have to go on some sort of extremely arduous and emotionally painful adventure to find the item under normal circumstances, but for the sake of humor, the item has been placed within a broom closet of the fourth floor."

Harry, Ron, Hermione, Darco, Leia, and :) ran up to the aforementioned broom closet.
"Ahem, guys," said Hermione. "Drumroll, please... but make it an ANGSTY drumroll..." As her companions complied (yay! Alliteration!), she threw open the door, to reveal....

Guess! Come on, guess what it is!
Yup, it's very obvious. But guess anyway!
COME ON ALREADY!











Okay, screw that.

It was Rems and Hermine... er... well, it would be better if we kept this an angsty fic, not a smut fic. Plus, you don't really want to know.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" shrieked Hermine. After about five minutes of screaming, she stopped to actually INHALE, and Rems picked up where she had left off.
"Typo twins are more similar to us than I had ever dreamed," said Hermione. Angstily.
"I don't think I want to know what that means, Hermione," Harry muttered. Darkly. Hermione picked up the Grey Asbestos Care-Bear of ANGST, and they slunk off towards the only class that actually mattered because it was dark and gloomy--Necromancy. Darco had started beheading chipmunks and sucking out their bodily fluids, and :) had been deemed too bright and cheerful for the fic, so Ron knocked him out with a hammer and dragged him into a broom closet.


Since classes are only ever REFERRED TO in fanfiction, we shall now skip to the end of the lessons.
"Now let's discuss a theory we learned that only I remember and will become a major plot point later in the story," Hermione suggested with an extremely bored sigh.
"No, Hermione, no!" Ron burst out suddenly, choking back tears. "Stop being so cheerful. You're ruining my teenage brooding of my newly realized love for you!"

As this was occurring in the middle of a corridor, there ought to have been a crowd staring at the famous not-yet-couple's argument, but such outbursts were so common these days that no one noticed.

Hermione looked upward and scowled.
"Excuse me? I am supposed to be the one bursting into tears here." She looked down in disgust and kicked a wall angrily.
"Dammit, Ron, that was supposed to be my line. Now we have to spend five more chapters working out our problems by sleeping with all the other characters to make each other jealous-"

"aHEM," Ginny coughed from the nearby closet where she was snogging Darco. "We're trying to keep this PG13, Hermione," she said admonishingly.

Hermione responded with a string of rude words which Ron strategically coughed over to maintain the rating. "I don't give a *cough* about your *cough*ing rating," she spat snidely, her voice rising to a clear shout. "*cough*ing the other characters contributes a whole *cough*ing lot more to the angstiness than your safe little snog sessions!"

In typical angst fic fashion, Hermione stormed off to her studies-or perhaps to *cough* burn off her anger*cough* on Snape in the nice, angsty dungeons.

Harry marched off to comfort Ron, who had started trudging down the hallway, sobbing. Seeing that out usual heroes were absorbed in their love lives, Ginny disentangled herself from Darco, picked up Nihilist Bear, who had been ruthlessly tossed on the floor, and marched off to find the rainbow rescue beam to transport them all to Care-A-Lot.

Harry was practicing feeling angsty when a loud blast of Beethoven's 5th filled the school.

duh duh duh DUH

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! YOU'RE RUINING THE ANGST!"

duh duh duh DUH

An angry mob proceded to the tower to destroy the obstruction to their angst, but little did they know I was a skilled wielder of the noble pitchfork – A High Knight of Blank

...

SUDDENLY, OUT OF THE SHADOWS STEPPED
In accordance to the Spoof on Fanfiction Code Section IV
Weird Al Yankovic, in a Care Bear suit.

"LALALALALALALALALALA," said Weird Al, "I have just returned to my own world from Care-a-lot, what a great place that Care-a-Lot is, so happy, so great, so non-angsty, YAYAYAYAYAYAY!"

The angst-ridden Hogwarts students winced. They had found themselves confronted with the least angst-ridden person in existence. None knew how to react.

After spending what seemed like an eternity gaping like a wide-mouthed bass, they returned to the Gryffindor common room to listen to depressing classical music. However, much to their delight (since this is an angsty fic, delight is bad, dismay is good), Weird Al and Peeves had replaced their angsty album with the soundtrack to The Care Bears Movie.

The angsty characters couldn't control themselves. They were suddenly, and unfashionably, happy. After skipping around the common room with glee, they suddenly found themselves faced with, the ruler of all angst, the greatest angsty musician who ever lived.

Thunder crackled darkly across the sky, and it began pouring rain-no, strike that, this is an angst fic-it began pouring BLOOD! Everyone's mood was much worsened. (by which I mean improved.) A dark cloud of gas erupted in the Gryffindor fireplace, covering Hermione, who was sitting next to it, in ash.

"Dammit! I JUST bought this black hoodie with the bood-drenched pentagram on it at Hot Topic!" she grumbled angrily. but her delight (bad, remember) was replaced with sheer morbitity as the angstiest musician ever stepped out of the shadows-Ozzy Osbourne!

Everyone began muttering darkly to themselves in joy-err, I mean angst. But the spell Ozzy had used to transport himself there had malfunctioned, and the angsty trio soon found themselves faced with another one of the greatest fanfiction cliche`s of all time-Ozzy had been turned into a two year old.

Hermione punched the wall. "NO! NO! NO!" she screamed. "I'M NOT GOING BACK TO THAT CHILD-REARING THING! NO!"

Ron started to point out that Hermione did no child-rearing because her daughter turned into a teenage in the space of a few fanfiction post, but he suddenly remembered that this fic needed more angst, so he stopped himself and leaned darkly against the wall.

Ginny, the poser-angster, picked up the baby Ozzy and placed him on the now black Gryffindor couch. The young Osbourne started mumbling, which was even more incoherent (if that was possible) than his adult speech. Ginny sat next to him, and started cooing.

Someone immediately knocked her out again, because the room was slowly turning back into its cozy self.


Suddenly, something dawned on Harry.
"Hey, not ALL sixth year fics are angst fics, right? There have to be OTHER stereotypes we can ridicule."

Ron glared at him suddenly for a moment, and then grinned widely. Yeah! I'm tired of this angst junk! Let's go search fanfiction.net for inspiration!"

Hermione, who was now suddenly dressed in a pink hoodie, absurdly tight cargo pants, and a rainbow belt, hurriedly summoned up her home computer.

"Oooh, how fun! But let me put on some music, first."

Ginny suddenly stood up from the floor and decided that she had to restore some order to the scene.
"Hey, wait a sec, you can't use Muggle devices at Hogwarts!"

Someone knocked her out again, mostly because they were getting to like senseless violence.

As the first track off of Hermione's Avril Lavigne CD began playing, the boys looked at each other in terror.

"I think I know what kind of fic this is," Ron gulped.

"Yep. A Hermione as the average fanfiction writer story..." Harry trailed off bleakly. "We have to do something to stop this. Even if it means resorting to slash again."

Ron stared at Hermione, who was headbanging to 'sk8erboi.' "Yeah," he agreed with a look of pure disgust. "ANYthing to stop that."

So they tried nearly everything - including the kitchen sink if you must know - to get Hermione to shut off the horrid rap.

That only left one choice.

"No not THAT!" Ron groaned.
"Stop complaining and dial the number! My IQ is dropping at a rate of 14 points a minute!" Harry protested. And indeed, he had a soup bowl - still filled with soup - hot soup might I add strapped to his head and was wearing his shoes in his ears. ("I can hear the ocean in them..." He said dreamily)
"Ok ok." Ron dialed the hotline.
"So you have need of ny services?" The voice on the other line cackled.
"Hey this is only as a last resort you know!"
"Be right there kid."
Click.
Suddenly there was an explosion that knocked everyone off their feet as the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of DOOM entered through the breached wall with a couple of evil (lobsters are already pink anyway - aren't they?) fluffy lobsters of Doom at his command.

Hermione, who had now begun rapping (to everybody's horror except for Ginny's and Colin's) to "Nobody's Fool", looked up and said, "LyKe IzNnT AvReL sO lYkE ToTaLlY kEwL???????????? N sOoOoOoOoOoO pUnK rAwK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111" Ron gave a piercing shriek at the abominable chatspeak and fainted.

A sudden bolt of lightning from across the common room marked the return of the AUTHOR BOLTS. But these weren't just any AUTHOR BOLTS, these were AUTHOR BOLTS 3.14, designed to eliminate all pop culture in a single strike. Pi Merizar wound up and threw an AUTHOR BOLT at the CD player, destroying the Avril Latrine (oops, I mean Lavigne) CD forever. Pi then replaced the CD, which had vanished into thin air, with one of her personal favorites, Tom Petty and the Heartbreaker's The Last DJ. Immediately the blaring criticism of the music industry began.

Hermione, angered by the destruction of her sacred Avril CD, stealthily crept over and stole an AUTHOR BOLT 3.14 from the quiver at Pi's back. She was all set to throw when it went off in her hand. She had been wearing a pentagram ring at the time, and the pop culture in that was enough to set the AUTHOR BOLT 3.14 off. While she screamed in anguish, everyone else was listening intently to the lyrics of Joe and realizing how wrong they had been to worship pop culture and its trends. They retreated to their dorms to don some proper wizard clothes, while Hermione sank back into a chair. Even Ginny and Colin had gone off to turn into nonconformists.

"NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!," screamed Cuaron, "YOU HAVE RUINED MY VISION. MY DIRECTING CAREER IS OVER!!!! YOU NONCONFORMING BRAT" he said, turning to Pi, "YOU CAUSED ALL OF THIS!!!!!!!" Pi slowly raised an AUTHOR BOLT and threw it at his head, for his mind was complete pop culture, and she could destroy his brain with one throw of the AUTHOR BOLT.

Suddenly, Kelpy stepped out of the shadows.

Ron looked perplexed. "Wait, you've already been introduced. You don't have to do that."

"I'm not Kelpy Lion," the girl answered haughtily. I'm-"She scowled and looked up at the ceiling, as if trying to remember something. "SHOOT!!!, I forgot my real name. I have to look it up in the script now! My entrance is RUINED!"

As Not-Kelpy looks for her real name, Kelpy shall now depart on a long, unneccesary aside about her appearance. In accordance with the Fanfiction code #12.56.97, the character's description, if she is a girl, must include at least three (3) of the following words:

*translucent
*shimmering
*cascaded
*sparkled
*sculpted
*elegant
*spunky
*tall
*jet-black
*violet
*accent
*mischievous
*mysterious
*aura
*powerful

Also in accordance to this section, this description may not contain the words (excepting that these words are negated)
*average
*boring
*robes
*Hufflepuff
*normal
*unfriendly

Furthermore, in the event that the new character is NOT a Gryffindor, the character must later on prove to either be at least ONE (1) of the following:
*evil
*insane
*killed off
*saving the day with intelligence/cunning (Ravenclaws and Slytherins, respectively)
*Dirty and promiscuous, existing only to promote new and interesting love traingles.
*In alliance with the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers, textbook, or eye-glasses of DOOOOOOOM.

Character MUST have some sort of mysterious past, which may include:
*some bizarre inherited trait (eg. She is daughter of Voldemort, and thus very cunning. Alternately, daughter of pink fuzzy bunny slippers of DOOOOOM, and has pink bunny ears.)

*Special magical super power, including necromancy, mind-reading, prophecy, wandless magic, shape-changing, or just extreme magical ability, ALWAYS greater than Hermione's.

*Was beaten/raped/tortured/forced to be evil by parents

*Has no parents

*Was parented by something evil, and thus is pink and fluffy.
(Often is a necromancer, thus being given the subtitle of "Pink, Fluffy Necromancess.")

*Was raised by sentient magical creatures (eg. Unicorns, elementals, mermaids, centaurs, werewolves, elves, etc.)

*IS a sentient magical being

*Is child of main adult characters

OR

*Is destined to some mysterious fate, which MUST include mortal peril and ANGSTINESS.

Subnote: As character must always be dressed in a charming/beautiful/sexy/cute/mysterious manner, she is not required to wear MOLDY SHORTS while participating in acts of evilness.

Not-Kelpy was still searching for her real name, so the omniscient narrator will proceed with his/her aside on her appearance, following all tenants of Fanfiction Code #12.56.97. Breaking this code shall result in offending author spending six (6) weeks imprisoned in a 4x4x15 ft. Bottomless Pit of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM, or by wearing MOLDY SHORTS for the above-mentioned amount of time.

At that moment there was a exclamation from the other side of the room and everyone turned to see the (for the sake of making typing easier the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom shall henceforth be known as the Evil PBS of Doom) brandishing item #5, The Sock of Doom, an ordinary dirty mustard sock (sound familiar?) until it had been infused with evil necromantic power. The Evil PBS of Doom inserted the Sock where people's feet usually go in a pair of slippers.

But of course, if the bad guy gets more powerful, Chapter 4 Section 47 of the Guide to Structuring a Story says the good guy must acquire a newfound power that will defeat the "baddie." And lo and behold, an Owl, which had enormous eyebrows an a hoot that sounded of death, swooped in from overhead dropping a package at Harry's feet

Here follows an EDITED excerpt from my old fanfiction that failed:

Harry's present was Item #6: a strange looking glue gun with many different buttons. When Harry pressed the first one, a small screen popped up.
"This is your W.G.G., a Wizard Glue Gun! It has many uses!" a voice coming from the screen said, "This button activates Wizard TV! The second button will reverse almost any action of this contraption. For example-"
Harry pressed the second button, and the screen went away. When Harry pressed the third button, a big disco ball, strange lights and thirty Radioactive Hyper Charged Biohazardis Dancing Hamsters with Color Changing Fur popped up and proceeded to wreck the Common Room. The fourth button released a big cloud of purple smoke. Harry couldn't see so he pressed the fifth button. A big glop of glue mixed with orange soda squirted into his face.
"AAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH I CAN'T SEEEEEEE!!"

He then fell out the window and lost consciousness.


[End Excerpt]

The faces of people were swimming above his gloppy face.

"Harry? Harry? Helloooo?" Hermione was saying.

Harry opened his eyes. He was laying on a well-placed bush (which seemed to be everywhere anyway), his glasses broken in two, but still on his face. Hermione was kneeling beside him, but Ron was standing far off, his arms crossed, muttering something about "everything happening to Harry."

He sat up. "What-what happened?"

She glanced up at Ron, because as he said this, screams came from the Common Room.

"Well," came a hoarse voice, "the hamsters are still rampaging in the castle and you got hit in the face with glue and orange soda, the secretion of the Orange Seashells of Happiness."

There was a collective "ew", and Harry quickly wiped the stuff off his face. He turned around, and the person who had spoken moved into his range of vision. Remus Lupin stood there with the glue gun.

Then... the surroundings swirled and... BEHOLD! A giant TV screen had appeared in front of them. And on the screen was a remake (faithful remake except for a few edited scenes) of the movie Singing in the Rain; Starring Gilderoy Lockhart as lead role, and Snape, Mcgonagall, Quirell, and Moody as secondary roles. Did I mention it also included Dumbledore with Superman-like-powers?

Dammit," Hermione cursed angrily, "I WANT TO READ FANFICS!" And then she unplugged the TV. They went back over to her computer and surfed over to fanfiction.net. After reading a couple of fics and being enlightened by the fanfic writers' knowledge, they decided to...*gasp* write their own.

"How do we do that?" Ron asked.

"First," Hermione informed them, "We need to choose a title. Like 65% of the fics on here, this is going to be a romance....I have just the book."
She whipped out her "Fanfic Writer's Guide to the Internet." and flipped to 'romance titles.'

"Okay, here we are...let's just choose!"

Nouns commonly found in the titles of smutty romance fics:

Nouns:

Names of any of the characters in the books
Desire
lovers
Passion
Body
Love
Heart
Diamond
Ruby
Sapphire
Crystal
(or any other precious metal.)
Bay, Valley, Grove
(or any other possibly secretive location.)
Wedding
Ring
Bride
Bridegroom
(or any other word related to matrimony.)
Forever
Night
Dawn
Dusk
Evening
(or any other time of day that lacks light.)
Embrace
Kiss
Secret
Bed
Dream
Attraction
Curtain
Baby
Duke
Prince
Baron
Earl
(or any other male (occasionally female) royalty)
intrigue
Heat
breath
man
lie
woman
stranger
Winter
Spring
Summer
Autumn(NEVER

Wind
Rose
(or any other suitibly romantic flower/plant.)
Virgin
Destiny
Fate
moon
star
shadow
silence

Adjectives:

Scarlet
Burgundy
(or any other color related to passion/innocence)
Lace
Velvet
Silk
(or any other luxurious/expensive fabric)
Passionate
Endless
Forbidden
Unrequited
Secret
Pregnant
Precious
Virgin
Destined
Times of day lacking light, used as adjectives(see above)
Precious stones used as adjectives(see above)
Cold
Silver
(Or any other precious metal)
fatal
savage
wild
sinful
decadent
lustful
(or anything else implying total lack of restraint.)
innocence
dutiful
faithful
(any other adjective implying innocence.)
Tropical
desperate

That-

"Ok, ok we get the point!"

So they selected a couple random words in the list and stuck them together. Screw grammer. 16.84903% of writers can't even spell their own name.

Category: Books Harry Potter
Genre: Romance
Secondary Genre: Junk
Title: Love. . . Forbidden. . . Diamond. . . Bridegroom. . . Duke. . . Lie. . .  Cheese. . .Pregnant. . . Lustful . . . Tropical. . . H+H+R+D+C+G+EIB Triangle

"EIB?"
"Everyone in the building." Hermione said. Hermione reads everything of course. Including the fine print contest rules on the inside of those candy wrappers that have those "Win 1,000,000,000 Dollars Instantly."

"Everybody in the building, huh?" asked Lirael (who had popped up from the middle of nowhere for no conceivable reason, which made NO sense whatsoever, seeing as she was not a witch and couldn't even apparate if she were, being inside Hogwarts and all). "That includes crossovers and typo twins, right?"
"Yup," said Hermione grumpily. Clearly, she was pissed at having the "No Apparating" rule which she had insisted was real for so many times being broken to the nth power.
"Ooh, goody," she replied very cheerfully. "Then I'm off to do sordid things with Snape, Flitwick, and Fang to establish my own section of the love triangle."
"I CALL REMUS!" screamed Hermione, as though Professor Lupin were a particularly nice seat in a school cafeteria.

Suddenly, down from the ceiling of Hogwarts fell a blonde girl in ridiculously perfect clothes.
"Like, HELLO!" she squealed happily. "Seeing as this fic is starting to get less angsty, I just, like, figured that it would be like the perfect time for me to join in with the crossover-y fun!"
Everybody just kind of stared and blinked.
"Like, I'm Lizzie Maguire!" she shouted after about five minutes of staring and blinking. "Beloved of all ten-year old girls! Disney's darling!"
It was at this point when they started to scream and two young ladies fell screaming from the Sacred Crossover Entrance Portal in the Ceiling.
"AGH!" screamed Ron. "NO! ANYTHING BUT LIZZIE MAGUIRE! WE CANNOT HAVE YOUR DISNEY-ISH CRAP CONTAMINATE OUR--ER--WONDERFUL STORY!"
"AND *I* CAN'T STAND HAVING YOU ON THE SAME CHANNEL AS ME!" roared the woman who had fallen from the ceiling first, who was wearing a futuristic jumpsuit and a really hate-laden expression. "ALWAYS GETTING HATED, WHEN *YOU* AND YOUR DUMBASS FRIENDS ARE ADORED BY THE MASSES!"
Hermione conjured up a pitchfork from the middle of nowhere, and shouted:
"KILL IT!" The majority of the school started pursuing Lizzie Maguire, chanting "KILL IT! KILL IT!" leaving the second woman behind.
"Uh... Wade?" she asked, pressing buttons on what looked like a Gameboy. "Wade?... Hello?..." However, Wade did not answer, so after a couple minutes, she grabbed a harpoon out of the air with the power of Random Plot Devices and ran off in the direction that the angry mob had gone, screaming, "KILL IT! KILL IT!"

Suddenly, from the Crossover Portal in the ceiling fell a short boy with messy hair. He looked confused for a moment, then asked, "Where's Lizzie?"

Seeing as everyone had joined the angry mob, there was no one in the hall to answer him. But Gordo is a smart boy, so he followed the sounds of pillaging and plundering that were echoing through the halls. He pushed his way to the front of the mob, grabbed Lizzie and hid in a broom closet.

The angry mob was now a sad mob because they could not find their quarry. Most of them decided to return to their common rooms and be angsty. Meanwhile, in the closet, Gordo was FINALLY telling Lizzie how he felt about her, though anyone with half a brain could tell from the Ronnie episode that he was deeply in love with her.

But then Hermione opened the closet door, and, of course, interrupted Gordo's declaration.

"Hey," she said with what she obviously thought was a sexy smile. "You're that really smart kid on Lizzie McGuire, aren't you?"

But before she could start plotting how best to steal him away from that airhead Lizzie, the Black Pearl sailed into the hallway. Captain Jack Sparrow yelled, "I have heard news of the Ancient Pinwheels of Death!"