"According to this map, they can be found deep within the bowels of the McDonalds store on Magnolia Cresent." He declared.

Out of nowhere (not the crossover portal, just someplace else) Rhea appeared again. "Captain Jack Sparrow!" she squealed. "You're so utterly sexy!" And, without another word, she (I) dragged him into the nearest closet. Well, not exactly "dragged." You know, he's a pirate. He went willingly.

The jumpsuit woman was still looking for Lizzie, muttering stuff like, "The adolescents love her, the adolescents hate me, surely my animation's not THAT bad, not fair, not fair, stab Lizzie to death, not fair..." Then she paused, and looked to the closet next to her intently.
"You're in there, aren't you?" she snapped, holding up her hands, which were now flaming, threateningly. "I know you are! My Shego-sense is TINGLING!" Never mind that Shego had said that at least 500 times, only to find various angsty-looking couples doing sordid things. This time, that stupid blonde HAD to be in there!
*BAM*
Shego had blasted open the door, and she had (amazingly) been right. Lizzie was watching with a look of deep disgust and interest, at Gordo and Hermione.
"Uh, Gordo?" she asked, rather weakly. "Could you find a different closet? And wasn't *I* supposed to be your one true love?"
"Ew," muttered Shego. Then she remembered that she wanted to kill Lizzie brutally and slowly, and shouted, "DEMONIC BAD TV SHOW CHARACTER! DIE! DIE! DIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"NEVER!" screamed Lizzie, looking more like one of those dumb Amazon Warrior Women than like the ditzy teenager that she was. "YOU CANNOT CONQUER ME, FOR MY SHOW IS MORE POPULAR THAN YOURS!"
Dead silence.
"AND I HAVE..." Lizzie gave the standard dramatic pause, before continuing, "MARY-SUE POWER!"
"And is that supposed to scare me? ME, the one who's wanted in eleven countries and can shoot plasma from my hands?"
"Well," Hermione pointed out from the floor, "You DO always get beaten by a teenager by the end of the show."
"Oh SHUT--" But Shego could not go any further, for Lizzie's eyes had started to glow blue. Blue, apparently, was the new Mary-Sue spooky 'I'm using my powers now, and they're positively godly, so get out of the way or you'll be burnt into ashes... I might annihilate a small town as it is, you see...' eye color. Lizzie was suddenly transformed into a marvelous, glowing, ethereal, luminescent, gorgeous, and extremely hot goddess, and she hovered about a thousand feet up in the air, despite the fact that the broom closet was not exactly spacious. The very air crackled with intense, marvelous, magical power, and very soon, there was a huge burst, a vibrant explosion, a powerful blast of light.
Then all was dark, and all was still.
"Damnit," said Lizzie grumpily, "doing that always wrecks havoc on my hair, and now I've chipped my manicure besides!" Hermione and Gordo were staring up at her, blinking.
As for Shego, she was just kind of standing there, looking very dazed. Then all of a sudden, she started to giggle.
"Like, that was just like so totally awesome!" she exclaimed, smiling in a completely ridiculous, stupid sort of way that still made her look positively gorgeous. "Could I borrow some of your lipgloss?"

Little do the young children who watch Lizze Maguire know that that foul actor's mission is to use her special powers to turn them all into Mary-Sues, or, as we call 'em in the real world, brainless little ditzes...

And of course 7.20538% of stories don't have anything to do with Harry Potter at all, and are just so people can post their impossible daydreams on the internet and call it Harry Potter related, so it must be mentioned I, Savage, was currently in the Great Hall stuffing my face.
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Note: I do not daydream about eating food.

(I swear they've got subliminal messages in that show, like, "Watch Disney Channel, see Disney movies, become obsessed with Lizzie Maguire and Kim Possible, go to the Disney theme-parks located all over the world, buy Mickey Mouse hats, BRING US MORE MONEY!" Not that I like Lizzie Maguire, of course.)

So, naturally, while Lizzie and Shego were chatting merrily about purses (Shego attracted to the green ones, Lizzie to the pink), another person popped out of the Portal of Cross-overs.

Actually, four people. Four men dressed in bright colors. And, as if almost programmed to, they starting dancing. Dancing like no man in his right mind would. But, of course, these men were not in their right mind. They were...the WIGGLES!

Ron pushed the quill Hermione was holding away from the parchment they were pouring over. "The what?"

She rolled his eyes at him. "The Wiggles. A group of four British men that 'wiggle', or dance, for preschoolers' (or younger) entertainment."

When Ron and Harry still looked perplexed, she said, "They have a show on the Disney Channel in the mornings, supposedly when all preschoolers are watching TV."

"Oooooh!"

Everybody stared at the Wiggles, except for Lizzie, who was rambling on about purses.
"Yeah, but green clashes with my lipstick," she was saying. "And speaking about lipstick, you should really change yours. Black is SO depressing."
"Uh, Lizzie?" asked Gordo. "Look at the men in front of you."
Lizzie actually looked at the Wiggles, and immediately started staring in utter horror, just like everybody else. Quickly, they all fell into an unnatural trance. In their heads, the Wiggles were slowly planting subliminal messages with their awful dancing.
"Buy our stuuffff...." they whispered in their minds. "Join... the... navy... Watch... Disney...24/7... Give... me... 50... bucks... Oh, and blonde girl? Snog me. You're hot."
"Holy CRAP!" screamed a woman from behind the Wiggles in perfect Strong Bad fashion (apparently she had fallen from the portal too). She looked exactly like Shego.
"Who are you?" asked Hermione, who had managed to snap out of her Wiggle-induced stupor.
"Shigo," she said matter-of-factly. "Shego has at least a million typo twins, you see."
"Yeah," added another woman, "I'm Sheego, and the one banging her head against the wall is Sheggo."
"STUPID--NAME--OH--HOW--I--HATE--IT!" screamed the aforementioned Sheggo.
"And we would like to know just WHAT you did to our original spelling," snapped Sheego.
"You don't talk like Hermine, Rems, and Darco," Hermione pointed out.
"They're from a good book series," explained Shigo, "We're from a bad TV show."
"That should make no difference."
"Oh, just shut up." The other typo twins had already fallen under the hypnotic spell of the Wiggle's dancing. It was kind of like the Dummi Bears, but not quite. Hermione smacked Lizzie across the face.
"WAKE UP!" she screamed. "THE TYPO TWINS WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING!"

"You know, Hermione, you seem to be sticking in Shego more often that you ought to. What happened to Lizzie and Gordo? Do you LIKE the show or something"

"SHUT UP, RON!" Hermione roared.

"Okay," Ron muttered, "okay, don't eat me."

"Crap," thought Hermione. "Let's just pray he doesn't get any idea of my big thing for Rolie Polie Olie."

"But Hermione," Harry pointed out. "You've completely left out the part about Captain Sparrow and the Ancient Pinwheels of Death that are hidden in the McDonalds."

"It isn't as if this has to make sense, Harry," Hermione said in a superior fashion, rolling her eyes at his ignorance of the ff rules. But then she looked deep into his green eyes, saw the sad puppy look in them, and knew that she had to do everything in her power to make him happy.

"So, Mr. Sparrow," Gordo spoke up, over the fashion talk that was going on all around him. (He was very glad to have such a masculine person to talk to, being very tired of the girl talk Lizzie and the long missing Miranda subjected him to.) "What were you saying about these Ancient Pinwheels of Death? And do you know a place where I could pick up some tomato ice cream?"

Jack looked up at Gordo through his heavily made up eyes and smiled. "I can take you to the A.P. of D.," he said. "But only if you get Harry Potter to come with us. Savvy?"

Lizzie, Shego, and the typo twins stood and blinked.

"Oh, forget you!" snapped Hermione. "Just go back to Disney already." She smacked Shego across the face with her... erm... Mary-Sue Reversal Slap of Power--

"Mary-Sue Reversal Slap of Power? What the--"

"I'm strapped for ideas here, okay Ron?"

--and returned her to her usual, minion-y self. Shego and the typo twins jumped back up through the Crossover Portal. However, Lizzie still stood there blinking.

"LEAVE!" snapped Hermione. "...But you, of course, can stay here," she added seductively to Gordo.

"I refuse to leave!" Lizzie said, applying some of her cherry-flavored lip gloss at the same time. Hermione paused, then her own eyes glowed blue, and a freaky angelic sounding choir started singing in the background.

"Then I have no choice," she intoned majestically. "I call upon Marina Christina Arwen Arielle Frangelico, the great goddess of Mary-Sues (or one of them anyway), to take all of the Disney characters who really should not be there, except for Gordo, and place them in their respective universes."

"Even Kim?" asked Harry wistfully.

"Especially Kim," snarled Hermione.

After about all of the cheesy special effects in the book had been pulled (fountains of fire, screaming woman, seraphim flying around and singing, fireworks, whirlpools, flying phoenixes, etc.) there was nobody left from the Disney channel, except for Gordo...

And Lizzie.

"WHAT?" screamed Hermione. Ron grinned, and she blushed. His perfect teeth... they were enough to make a girl melt into a pile of screaming girlish glee...

"HA!" laughed Lizzie. "You cannot do anything to me, Hermione, for I--"

There was a big flash of light. Lizzie was now a pink, fluffy little wombat. Harry almost screamed at the sight of the pink and fluffiness.

"SHUT UP!" shrieked the wombat. "SHUT UP!"

"FORGET THE WOMBAT!" screamed Jack Sparrow, who did not like having the attention not focused on him. "REMEMBER ME AND THE ANCIENT PINWHEELS OF DEATH? HELLO?"

And so they set sail. (It is uncertain how many people were on the ship.) However I believe I should mention that Captain Sparrow stupidly left Savage in charge while he went below deck to play video games which most unfortunately resulted in the ship crashing on a Tropical Island in the middle of nowhere. I would also like to mention that poor Savage ended up with his head rammed through the steering wheel. And Rhea, who had been down playing video games with Jack Sparrow ("Captain! Captain Jack Sparrow!") was tragically thrown into his lap. No one, however, cared very much about what happened to Savage, so they left him there while they explored the island.

Captain Sparrow led the way, followed closely by Gordo, Hermione, Harry and Ron. (It is unclear, even to the Great One, who else might be on the island, but according to the code of ff's, that is not nearly as important as getting Gordo and Hermione into the nearest bush, pronto!) He led them into a clearing, where he lifted a trap door to reveal (what else) but a fully staffed McDonalds.

The fast food restaurant was featuring their new salads, made with sixteen types of the freshest lettuce, and the classic Big Mac consisting of two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce and onion on a seasame seed--

"What is this, an advertisement for McDonald's?" Ron asked angrily. "What about the storyline?"

"What storyline?" Hermione shot back. "67.3954% of ffs don't have storylines. And how do you expect to continue the plush and luxurious life of an ff author if we aren't making money from corporate sponsors?"

Ron, of course, could not argue with Hermione's logic.

--bun. Captain Sparrow looked infinitely disappointed. "Why's the rum gone?" he asked sorrowfully of no one in particular.

The trio, however, who were now much more interested in the A.P. of D. than killing Disney characters (luckily for Sparrow and Gordo), grew excited as they realized this must be the McDonalds in which the A.P. of D. were hidden.

Suddenly Hermione (one of the authors) appeared (freaking out the ff Hermione) and shrieked, "The A.P. of D. are hidden in the McDonald's on Magnolia Crescent, you idiots, not on some deserted island!"

No one paid her much attention, though, for they had found the A.P. of D. in the fry cooker. "Mmmm...fries..." murmured Ron, as they all moved closer to the glorious fry cooker.

But the writer-Hermione sprinted in front of the tub of grease, and held out her hands as if she was doing the motions to 'Stop in the Name of Love'. "No! It's unhealthy! Look at that oozing grease and salt and crud! You'll raise the obesity level in the fanfiction world --"

Harry scowled at her and said matter-of-factly, "Hermione, no one's fat in the fan fiction world. We're all thin and model-ish. Poetic License, remember? Even Dudley can be good-looking, if the writer has a bit of a fixation with him."

Ron was making gagging sounds in the background. Hermione looked around desperately and said, "But--but, the McDonald's on Magnolia Crescent is cleaner and healthier!" Nobody seemed to care much, as they were stuffing their faces, and Ginny was examining the A. P. of D. "The fries are better there!"

Everyone stopped, and looked at her. "Fine then!" She clapped her hands, and using the Mary-Sue power she acquired from the much-hated Lizzie McGuire, transported everyone to Magnolia Crescent.

"But Hermione!" Ron exclaimed. "You know that McDonald's is attached to a gas station/grocery store! There could be Muggles in there!"

Hermione didn't care however, because she was concentrating with all her might to keep herself in the fanfic.

Capt. Jack Sparrow immediately spotted the gas station/grocery store, because he happened to be thrown against the glass separated them (Hermione's Mary-Sue power isn't too good), and sauntered, in his heat-affected fashion, into it.

Naturally, everyone else followed, not really concerned with the A. P. of D. that were supposed to be hidden here. Harry gave an exaggerated gasp, and pointed towards the entrance. "Mrs. Figg!"

"BAHAHAHAHAHA!" She exclaimed heartily, "MY TWO GOALS IN LIFE HAVE ALWAYS OF OPENING A FAST FOOD CHAIN, AND THE OTHER, TERROIZING LITTLE KIDS! WHAT BETTER WAY TO FUFILL MYSELF THAN COMBINING THEM! IT WAS DEAD EASY! ALL I HAD TO DO WAS MEMORY WIPE RONALD MCDONALD AND STICK HIM SOMEWHERE WEST OF WAJIR, KENJA. THEN THE ENTERPRISE WAS ALL MINE FOR THE TOOKING! BY NOON TOMORROW, ALL THE MCDONALDS STATIONS AROUND THE GLOBE WILL BE RETITLED MCFIGGALDS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!!!!!!!" *cue lighting*

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Well that's all the story that's been written so far. Now that this is totally up to date, story will be much slower in coming than before.