But before Mrs. Figg's evil plan could be thwarted, guideline #47 of the
Fanfic Code took affect. This guideline demands one perfectly nonsensical
plot twist every chapter, and since author-Hermione takes guidelines very
seriously, she had no choice but to create the following scene:
With a puff of smoke that caused our loveable trio to cough violently, the McDonalds disappeared, along with Mrs. Figg, Captain Sparrow (very sadly), and whatever other random characters were around. Harry, Ron and Hermione found themselves standing in what appeared to be a school.
But when the bell rang and the hallway they were standing in filled with students, they could tell this was no ordinary school. All of the pupils seemed to be blonde haired American girls wearing purple togas. Ron and Harry's eyes lit up. This was way better than the ONE beautiful American exchange student they usually got in FFs!
"Where are we?" Hermione muttered.
"Black's School of Magic," one particularly giggly girl answered. "We never get visitors! Follow me!"
"You don't think...?" Harry asked.
But his question was answered when they were led into the Headmaster's office and behind the desk sat none other than Sirius Black.
"You must be surprised to see me, Harry, thinking I was dead and all...But I knew the only way of fulfilling the lifelong dream of myself and your father of opening a magic school in America for beautiful blond witches dressed the school uniform of purple togas was to fake my own death," Sirius explained while being fed grapes by one of his attractive pupils. At that moment, Deputy Headmistress Leia walked in to Sirius's office the next moment. "Dammit, Sirius," she said, emphasizing her harsh but strong personality, which is a characteristic of 64.234% of angsty fanfic Mary Sues. "Where the HECK is my shipment of illegal potions ignore-" She coughed, suddenly noticing the presence of Harry and all the others. "My eggplant nail polish?!!" she finished angrily as if she hadn't interrupted. And though this wasn't just foreshadowing, it was practically fore-full-color- illustration, everyone obliviously ignored her little slip of tongue, only to be shocked and COMPLETELY surprised later in the story when she turned out to be asking for supplies to help her in maliciously aiding the Pink Fluffy __________ of _______. But the sentence was never finished, because at that moment a big ugly horrific disgusting salmon ate Ron. Kelpy's associative mind then linked salmon with Japan, where a surprising number of Mary Sues come from-
Mind: I hope you're being sarcastic there. At least 45% of HP fangirls are also anime-heads and Japan enthusiasts.
Kelpy: Of course I'm being sarcastic! Now will you bloody let me go on with my narration?!?!?
Mind: (Mutters obscenities.)
ANYway, since about 15% of Mary Sues in HP fanfics come from Japan, I will now introduce...
*temple bell rings*
...Kirei Onna, the incredibly beautiful, talented, and dashing daughter of the Japanese Minister of Magic.
"I would introduce myself more politely, but I have a salmon to kill," She said as she apparated into Sirius's office; she proceeded to whip out a pair of nunchucks and beat the wildly flopping 400 lb. fish to death with it/ She then demonstrated her wicked knife wielding skills by gutting the salmon, rescuing Ron, and whipping up some salmon sushi.
After using some unnamed charm to restore herself to her usual ravishing state, Kirei glanced at her watch; the serious expression on her face was suddenly overcome by total joy.
"Suggoi!" she exclaimed, using one of the Japanese words most Anime-ers know. "It's a record-five minutes of heroic/funny/charming behavior, and ALL of the main characters love me!"
Of course, she quickly returned to her demure, charming, talented self and began amusing herself by shooting butterflies out of her wand. What everyone failed to notice was that they were pink and fluffy.
And that was when Savage came in to Sirius' office with the words WET PAINT inscribed on his forehead and a foreboding looking package. Sirius poked the package tentatively. It shuddered. He then signaled to one of his purple-toga-wearing-servants to bring a crowbar. He cautiously opened it. Ever so cautiously. Hermione gasped. Ron recoiled in horror. Savage was smashing his head against the wall multiple times and cracks were starting to form. The Japanese exchange student was now shooting moldy pinkish dragonflies around the room and took no notice. Harry looked at what the package contained- one of the infamous Evil Unopenable Plastic Containers of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
After Sirius had opened it (which took nearly three weeks consisting of, but not limited to, knife slashes, explosives, mad bloodthirsty hounds, Radioactive jello, throwing it to the giant squid, dropping it from a high tower, sticking it in front of a jukebox playing particularly hideous rap music in hopes that it would melt, setting it on fire, spraying it with pesticide, stomping on it repeatedly, and shouting at it in hopes that it would open. However, all attempts were futile but it was finally opened when Savage acquired a plot device which allowed the Evil Unopenable Plastic Container of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM to open. What was inside it, was possibly more hideous than the Container itself. It contained the Evil Pink Fluffy Towel of Doom, which slithered along the floor, much like a lethifold, described in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, written by J.K.R. It gave off a moldy smell that caused some people to faint.
"Ah... now to extract the venom from it to use in my highly dangerous and illegal potion which the Slippers will reward me greatly for." Leia muttered inaudibly, but angstily and dramatically nonetheless.
Suddenly, a vertically challenged humanoid being with wings, who also appeared to be made mostly out of processed lunch meat, olives, and slices of peppers, came fluttering gracefully through the window, exuding an extremely bizarre odor, and landed with a wet splat on the brim of Leia's cauldron.
"Greetings. I am Spamina, fairy of humor inspiration."
An evil grin spread slowly across Pi's face. Pi's evil grin was quickly replaced with a mixture of horror and disappointment when she realized that Spamina was made out of meat. The flesh of poor, defenseless animals bred just to be slaughtered.
"MEAT IS MURDER!!! DOWN WITH CARNIVORES!!!" she screamed.
Suddenly, in a manner only possible in fanfiction, the characters found themselves at a illegalize meat rally. This rally was being lead by Prince Charming, even though he was supposed to be hosting a ball that night. Cinderella was in the third row from the front, holding a sign that read, "Down With Carnivores!" and had a particularly horrific picture of a T-Rex.
Ron frowned. "Hey, she just blew up one of those from Jurrassic Park."
Hermione sniffed with distain although, being Muggle-born, she should have known the movie. "The T-Rex isn't from the Jurassic Period, Ron."
Suddenly the evil Queen, Prince Charming's mother, appeared in a plume of pink moldy smoke (if you don't know how smoke can be moldy, don't bother asking...) and said to her son, "What do you think you are doing? Fairytale Land is the biggest meat exporter in the non-existent world! If you stop meat production, our entire fortune will vanish and you will have to join Cinderella in serving her evil step-family."
With a sad look at Cinderella, who had stopped waving her t-rex poster and looked dismayed, Prince Charming nodded and left with his mother, just proving how stupid and fickle men are (except the cute guy I talked to in class today.)
"What on earth does that have to do with us?" Hermione demanded.
"I thought you would never ask," cackled a voice that sounded pink and fluffy...
When the owner of the pink and fluffy voice came into view, everyone saw that it was Artemis Fowl's head on a house elf's body, carrying a very shiny key.
"This is the key that opens the mouth of the moldiest, fluffiest, pinkest, three-headed dog of power."
"The what?"
The deformed thing answered after eating a sandwich that looked suspiciously like Spamina. "How the heck should I know?"
Of course he didn't know. He had just eaten the source of all humour in this story.
But the Artemis/Dobby/THING, having eaten the only source of humor inspiration coupled with a fit of teenage angst caused drastic consequences. The background became colorless and blury. The scenery rapidly became dilapidated and rundown. Some people died in the streets. Zombies roamed the town moaning something about taxes. Beyond the hills, a great black fortress rose, surrounded by lava pits and made of pink fluffy iron and steel. It was the fortress of the Evil P.B.S. (Pink Bunny Slippers) of Doom. And, Code 15 of the guide for writing a proper story, (which ironically was titled "How to Right Write," and even more ironically than that, the very first line of the book read, "always use proper splling and grammer" and even more ironic than that, in the companion to the book, (which was a guide on how to write an improper story) the first line read, "Always use improper spelling and grammer.")
Uh.
Anyways, Code 15 of the guide for writing a proper story says the heroes must enter the stronghold of the evil one and so whoever was left started walking toward the burnt hills. When they got to the fortress, the first thing everybody noticed was a big neon sign above the door that said 'Fast Food'
But, the evil fast food restaurant was not run by the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom after all. It was run by the Evil Public Broadcasting System of Doom, which, coincidentally shared the same acronym as the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom. The fast food restaurant's purpose was to serve pink, moldy food that would be used to raise money for the pink, moldy branch of the station. Also, a pink, moldy telethon was being held for this cause.
Meanwhile, the zombies had grown tired of collecting taxes and instead had become the operators that were taking donations at the telethon, which was hosted by their leader, a zombie version of John Lennon.
"And with a donation of $42, you get this really cool glass paperweight shaped like a paperweight," droned The Late Mr. Lennon. "And for $25 it's a bunch of cellophane flowers that grow so incredibly-he let out an extremely bored yawn-Man, why do I do this? Y'know it's brains this, grass that, and yesterday I had this horrible trip, never should trust a man in a pink fluffy trench coat..."
Harry turned and looked at Hermione. "You know what this means, don't you?"
"The whole 'pink and fluffy/moldy' thing is getting a bit old?"
"Well, yes, that too. But it also means ...*cue dramatic and extremely annoying background music*...We Must Go On a QUEST!"
Hermione scowled-she was deeply suspicious about quests ever since she'd realized how dangerous they were to her manicure. "What's the reason this time?"
"Not that we really NEED a reason, Mione, but, well, don't you think we should befriend the zombies before Voldemort does?"
She blinked at him blankly for a few seconds, her eyes slowly going glossy, before responding in a weak voice: "But, Harry...that-that would be...a...plot." She hugged her knees close to her body and stared off into the distance, that dazed, unfocused expression fixed on her face.
Her words hit Harry like-he thought about a really cool simile for a second, but decided to go with something cliché like 'a sack of lead.'-A plot...hid life had never had a plot before. Perhaps he ought to, but stories with plots were dangerous-sometimes people died, and then actually STAYED that way-people whom he cared about. Plots seriously cut down on snogging time, caused REAL angst, and just...damn, sometimes plots just HURT.
He wandered outside in a ball of existential angsting and threw himself onto a park bench. After a minute of brooding, he stared up at the stars, and his mind drifted back to the days when everyone was in character-they seemed so long ago. Yes, they were in mortal peril all the time, but it was kind of fulfilling, because he always did something good, in the end. Perhaps the real Harry wasn't a sexgod!, but he was pretty heroic.
So, with these determined thoughts in his head, Harry strode back towards the building, to announce his intentions to Hermione. But the rest of the cast never learned of his great decision, because a shadowy and rather squishy winged figure hovering overhead cheerfully dropped an anvil on him.
"Hehehe, good old slapstick," Spamina snickered, going inside to stir up some randomness. "Teaches him to be so ----ing reflective-muddies up the --- -ing storyline."
"Harry!" Hermione suddenly appeared outside the castle, running to Harry's aid. "Oh my goodness! What happened?"
But Harry simply rubbed his head, murmuring something about 'toad costumes', a trail of drool running down his chin.
Ron was looking for the source of the anvil by staring blankly at the cold stone castle he had just exited.
And then, an odd smell filled the air (and no, it wasn't Mr. Lennon's plant). It entered their nostrils, intoxicating them. Ron had enough sense to say, "What the bloody hell is that stink?"
It was an egg. It fell on Ron's head. But that's not the point Suddenly, the group found themselves in a deep dank eerie cavern. A familiar voice resounded from the intercoms.
"Bwhahahahaha. Welcome friends to the Savage Labyrinth. Here in this winding, twisting maze, you will find the prize you seek, the Golden Forks. But you could not possibly make your way through the deep pathways of this world and live to tell the tale, for deep in the bowels of the labyrinth lies the Glossy Purple Cellophane Roll of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM, also known as George Washington Carver. But even more evil and even deeper in the confusing paths sits in wait, an ancient beast, spawned from pits of fire, a great OWL with supernatural power and giant eyebrows, who will devour you alive or drive you to insanity with his boring lectures, HOMEWORK, and ESSAYS. "
Harry gasped. "No! We're wizards! We-We're immune from horrid English teachers! Immune!"
But obviously he was wrong, because the demonic chuckle (c'mon, cackling would be INTERESTING) of Mr. Connor, the most boring English teacher on Earth echoes from the bowels of the cavern. Kelpy promptly threw up in disgust. Except that would be interesting. Instead, she just stared blankly at the wall and hoped beyond hope that he would not succeed in stifling every one of them.
The voice on the intercom had by then receded; they realized there was nowhere to go except into the labyrinth. They pulled out there wands clumsily, as if they hadn't used them in months, but there was instantly a couple of loud popping noises as the trick wands transformed into assorted plastic toucans. Then, one of the toucans spoke.
"Greetings young people." Said the biggest and ugliest one. "We are known as the Order of the Toucan and our sole purpose in life is to guide you, advise you, and make sure you do not get lost in the deep bowels of the gloomy underworld, otherwise known as the subway."
Harry looked around. There was not anything anywhere in sight that remotely resembled a subway.
"Ah my mistake. Wrong script. It seems we are unable to help you at all and you must fend for yourselves. Good luck. You'll need it." and with that, the bird disappeared in a pink flash of light. The group looked around disappointed, and started off into the gloomy passageways, unaware that Savage followed a few feet behind, and unaware of the danger that awaited them.
Suddenly, Mr. Connor stepped forward, leading the other members of ETOAAE (Evil Teachers of America and Europe) into battle. Stick-up-his-arse-ki (SUHAK) was wielding the pink, fluffy, smarmy pun generator of doom, wheras The O was standing around looking omnipotent and powerful, while a student clutching a graphing calculator bowed down to him. The Tuch was downing a cup of coffee, as usual, while rambling on about how someone used an adverb instead of an adjective.
The characters in this fanfic that actually belonged in the Harry Potter realm gasped at the oncoming army of teachers. There was nothing they could do, except possibly lose them in the labyrinth, which was a horribly awful chance to take in a fanfiction as spontaneous as this one, so they did the only thing that they could; their math homework.
In an attempt to keep the story moving, all the evil teachers were suddenly doused in neon blue peanut butter giving the heroes time to lose them in the maze. Unfortunately, they had no idea where they were going and were soon lost, separated from each other, hungry, no idea what time it was, and hopeless.
Harry decided that being lost and hopeless and hungry was kind of cool, because it was angsty. So he stared and the disturbing crimson ooze dripping from the walls and began composing dark haikus about it to send to his beloved Draco.
"What, I thought he was dating-well, I thought he was straight right now."
"He's also dating one of the female main characters, but that doesn't matter because he's a tortured bisexual polygamist."
"Oh, O.K. then. On with the story!"
oozing from the wall,
This disturbing crimson ooze;
See the crimson ooze.
Harry smiled darkly, kissed the black parchment on which he had written the haiku(in blood of course) and sent it off to Drako, Draco and Darco's triplet, because the angsty atmosphere, while inspiring him poetically, was kind of making his head oozy and he couldn't spell.
Harry then faced Hermione and said "Do you by any chance know the spell to turn something into a portkey?"
Hermione looked back at him and flipped her hair over her shoulder. "Ron, don't you know that's the point of having me here?" she asked, rolling her eyes in disgust. "Why else would she put me in?"
"As his love interest?" Harry suggested.
"Nope TARGET PRACTICE!" Cried Savage over the load speakers.
A piano fell on Hermione.
With a puff of smoke that caused our loveable trio to cough violently, the McDonalds disappeared, along with Mrs. Figg, Captain Sparrow (very sadly), and whatever other random characters were around. Harry, Ron and Hermione found themselves standing in what appeared to be a school.
But when the bell rang and the hallway they were standing in filled with students, they could tell this was no ordinary school. All of the pupils seemed to be blonde haired American girls wearing purple togas. Ron and Harry's eyes lit up. This was way better than the ONE beautiful American exchange student they usually got in FFs!
"Where are we?" Hermione muttered.
"Black's School of Magic," one particularly giggly girl answered. "We never get visitors! Follow me!"
"You don't think...?" Harry asked.
But his question was answered when they were led into the Headmaster's office and behind the desk sat none other than Sirius Black.
"You must be surprised to see me, Harry, thinking I was dead and all...But I knew the only way of fulfilling the lifelong dream of myself and your father of opening a magic school in America for beautiful blond witches dressed the school uniform of purple togas was to fake my own death," Sirius explained while being fed grapes by one of his attractive pupils. At that moment, Deputy Headmistress Leia walked in to Sirius's office the next moment. "Dammit, Sirius," she said, emphasizing her harsh but strong personality, which is a characteristic of 64.234% of angsty fanfic Mary Sues. "Where the HECK is my shipment of illegal potions ignore-" She coughed, suddenly noticing the presence of Harry and all the others. "My eggplant nail polish?!!" she finished angrily as if she hadn't interrupted. And though this wasn't just foreshadowing, it was practically fore-full-color- illustration, everyone obliviously ignored her little slip of tongue, only to be shocked and COMPLETELY surprised later in the story when she turned out to be asking for supplies to help her in maliciously aiding the Pink Fluffy __________ of _______. But the sentence was never finished, because at that moment a big ugly horrific disgusting salmon ate Ron. Kelpy's associative mind then linked salmon with Japan, where a surprising number of Mary Sues come from-
Mind: I hope you're being sarcastic there. At least 45% of HP fangirls are also anime-heads and Japan enthusiasts.
Kelpy: Of course I'm being sarcastic! Now will you bloody let me go on with my narration?!?!?
Mind: (Mutters obscenities.)
ANYway, since about 15% of Mary Sues in HP fanfics come from Japan, I will now introduce...
*temple bell rings*
...Kirei Onna, the incredibly beautiful, talented, and dashing daughter of the Japanese Minister of Magic.
"I would introduce myself more politely, but I have a salmon to kill," She said as she apparated into Sirius's office; she proceeded to whip out a pair of nunchucks and beat the wildly flopping 400 lb. fish to death with it/ She then demonstrated her wicked knife wielding skills by gutting the salmon, rescuing Ron, and whipping up some salmon sushi.
After using some unnamed charm to restore herself to her usual ravishing state, Kirei glanced at her watch; the serious expression on her face was suddenly overcome by total joy.
"Suggoi!" she exclaimed, using one of the Japanese words most Anime-ers know. "It's a record-five minutes of heroic/funny/charming behavior, and ALL of the main characters love me!"
Of course, she quickly returned to her demure, charming, talented self and began amusing herself by shooting butterflies out of her wand. What everyone failed to notice was that they were pink and fluffy.
And that was when Savage came in to Sirius' office with the words WET PAINT inscribed on his forehead and a foreboding looking package. Sirius poked the package tentatively. It shuddered. He then signaled to one of his purple-toga-wearing-servants to bring a crowbar. He cautiously opened it. Ever so cautiously. Hermione gasped. Ron recoiled in horror. Savage was smashing his head against the wall multiple times and cracks were starting to form. The Japanese exchange student was now shooting moldy pinkish dragonflies around the room and took no notice. Harry looked at what the package contained- one of the infamous Evil Unopenable Plastic Containers of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
After Sirius had opened it (which took nearly three weeks consisting of, but not limited to, knife slashes, explosives, mad bloodthirsty hounds, Radioactive jello, throwing it to the giant squid, dropping it from a high tower, sticking it in front of a jukebox playing particularly hideous rap music in hopes that it would melt, setting it on fire, spraying it with pesticide, stomping on it repeatedly, and shouting at it in hopes that it would open. However, all attempts were futile but it was finally opened when Savage acquired a plot device which allowed the Evil Unopenable Plastic Container of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM to open. What was inside it, was possibly more hideous than the Container itself. It contained the Evil Pink Fluffy Towel of Doom, which slithered along the floor, much like a lethifold, described in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, written by J.K.R. It gave off a moldy smell that caused some people to faint.
"Ah... now to extract the venom from it to use in my highly dangerous and illegal potion which the Slippers will reward me greatly for." Leia muttered inaudibly, but angstily and dramatically nonetheless.
Suddenly, a vertically challenged humanoid being with wings, who also appeared to be made mostly out of processed lunch meat, olives, and slices of peppers, came fluttering gracefully through the window, exuding an extremely bizarre odor, and landed with a wet splat on the brim of Leia's cauldron.
"Greetings. I am Spamina, fairy of humor inspiration."
An evil grin spread slowly across Pi's face. Pi's evil grin was quickly replaced with a mixture of horror and disappointment when she realized that Spamina was made out of meat. The flesh of poor, defenseless animals bred just to be slaughtered.
"MEAT IS MURDER!!! DOWN WITH CARNIVORES!!!" she screamed.
Suddenly, in a manner only possible in fanfiction, the characters found themselves at a illegalize meat rally. This rally was being lead by Prince Charming, even though he was supposed to be hosting a ball that night. Cinderella was in the third row from the front, holding a sign that read, "Down With Carnivores!" and had a particularly horrific picture of a T-Rex.
Ron frowned. "Hey, she just blew up one of those from Jurrassic Park."
Hermione sniffed with distain although, being Muggle-born, she should have known the movie. "The T-Rex isn't from the Jurassic Period, Ron."
Suddenly the evil Queen, Prince Charming's mother, appeared in a plume of pink moldy smoke (if you don't know how smoke can be moldy, don't bother asking...) and said to her son, "What do you think you are doing? Fairytale Land is the biggest meat exporter in the non-existent world! If you stop meat production, our entire fortune will vanish and you will have to join Cinderella in serving her evil step-family."
With a sad look at Cinderella, who had stopped waving her t-rex poster and looked dismayed, Prince Charming nodded and left with his mother, just proving how stupid and fickle men are (except the cute guy I talked to in class today.)
"What on earth does that have to do with us?" Hermione demanded.
"I thought you would never ask," cackled a voice that sounded pink and fluffy...
When the owner of the pink and fluffy voice came into view, everyone saw that it was Artemis Fowl's head on a house elf's body, carrying a very shiny key.
"This is the key that opens the mouth of the moldiest, fluffiest, pinkest, three-headed dog of power."
"The what?"
The deformed thing answered after eating a sandwich that looked suspiciously like Spamina. "How the heck should I know?"
Of course he didn't know. He had just eaten the source of all humour in this story.
But the Artemis/Dobby/THING, having eaten the only source of humor inspiration coupled with a fit of teenage angst caused drastic consequences. The background became colorless and blury. The scenery rapidly became dilapidated and rundown. Some people died in the streets. Zombies roamed the town moaning something about taxes. Beyond the hills, a great black fortress rose, surrounded by lava pits and made of pink fluffy iron and steel. It was the fortress of the Evil P.B.S. (Pink Bunny Slippers) of Doom. And, Code 15 of the guide for writing a proper story, (which ironically was titled "How to Right Write," and even more ironically than that, the very first line of the book read, "always use proper splling and grammer" and even more ironic than that, in the companion to the book, (which was a guide on how to write an improper story) the first line read, "Always use improper spelling and grammer.")
Uh.
Anyways, Code 15 of the guide for writing a proper story says the heroes must enter the stronghold of the evil one and so whoever was left started walking toward the burnt hills. When they got to the fortress, the first thing everybody noticed was a big neon sign above the door that said 'Fast Food'
But, the evil fast food restaurant was not run by the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom after all. It was run by the Evil Public Broadcasting System of Doom, which, coincidentally shared the same acronym as the Evil Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom. The fast food restaurant's purpose was to serve pink, moldy food that would be used to raise money for the pink, moldy branch of the station. Also, a pink, moldy telethon was being held for this cause.
Meanwhile, the zombies had grown tired of collecting taxes and instead had become the operators that were taking donations at the telethon, which was hosted by their leader, a zombie version of John Lennon.
"And with a donation of $42, you get this really cool glass paperweight shaped like a paperweight," droned The Late Mr. Lennon. "And for $25 it's a bunch of cellophane flowers that grow so incredibly-he let out an extremely bored yawn-Man, why do I do this? Y'know it's brains this, grass that, and yesterday I had this horrible trip, never should trust a man in a pink fluffy trench coat..."
Harry turned and looked at Hermione. "You know what this means, don't you?"
"The whole 'pink and fluffy/moldy' thing is getting a bit old?"
"Well, yes, that too. But it also means ...*cue dramatic and extremely annoying background music*...We Must Go On a QUEST!"
Hermione scowled-she was deeply suspicious about quests ever since she'd realized how dangerous they were to her manicure. "What's the reason this time?"
"Not that we really NEED a reason, Mione, but, well, don't you think we should befriend the zombies before Voldemort does?"
She blinked at him blankly for a few seconds, her eyes slowly going glossy, before responding in a weak voice: "But, Harry...that-that would be...a...plot." She hugged her knees close to her body and stared off into the distance, that dazed, unfocused expression fixed on her face.
Her words hit Harry like-he thought about a really cool simile for a second, but decided to go with something cliché like 'a sack of lead.'-A plot...hid life had never had a plot before. Perhaps he ought to, but stories with plots were dangerous-sometimes people died, and then actually STAYED that way-people whom he cared about. Plots seriously cut down on snogging time, caused REAL angst, and just...damn, sometimes plots just HURT.
He wandered outside in a ball of existential angsting and threw himself onto a park bench. After a minute of brooding, he stared up at the stars, and his mind drifted back to the days when everyone was in character-they seemed so long ago. Yes, they were in mortal peril all the time, but it was kind of fulfilling, because he always did something good, in the end. Perhaps the real Harry wasn't a sexgod!, but he was pretty heroic.
So, with these determined thoughts in his head, Harry strode back towards the building, to announce his intentions to Hermione. But the rest of the cast never learned of his great decision, because a shadowy and rather squishy winged figure hovering overhead cheerfully dropped an anvil on him.
"Hehehe, good old slapstick," Spamina snickered, going inside to stir up some randomness. "Teaches him to be so ----ing reflective-muddies up the --- -ing storyline."
"Harry!" Hermione suddenly appeared outside the castle, running to Harry's aid. "Oh my goodness! What happened?"
But Harry simply rubbed his head, murmuring something about 'toad costumes', a trail of drool running down his chin.
Ron was looking for the source of the anvil by staring blankly at the cold stone castle he had just exited.
And then, an odd smell filled the air (and no, it wasn't Mr. Lennon's plant). It entered their nostrils, intoxicating them. Ron had enough sense to say, "What the bloody hell is that stink?"
It was an egg. It fell on Ron's head. But that's not the point Suddenly, the group found themselves in a deep dank eerie cavern. A familiar voice resounded from the intercoms.
"Bwhahahahaha. Welcome friends to the Savage Labyrinth. Here in this winding, twisting maze, you will find the prize you seek, the Golden Forks. But you could not possibly make your way through the deep pathways of this world and live to tell the tale, for deep in the bowels of the labyrinth lies the Glossy Purple Cellophane Roll of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM, also known as George Washington Carver. But even more evil and even deeper in the confusing paths sits in wait, an ancient beast, spawned from pits of fire, a great OWL with supernatural power and giant eyebrows, who will devour you alive or drive you to insanity with his boring lectures, HOMEWORK, and ESSAYS. "
Harry gasped. "No! We're wizards! We-We're immune from horrid English teachers! Immune!"
But obviously he was wrong, because the demonic chuckle (c'mon, cackling would be INTERESTING) of Mr. Connor, the most boring English teacher on Earth echoes from the bowels of the cavern. Kelpy promptly threw up in disgust. Except that would be interesting. Instead, she just stared blankly at the wall and hoped beyond hope that he would not succeed in stifling every one of them.
The voice on the intercom had by then receded; they realized there was nowhere to go except into the labyrinth. They pulled out there wands clumsily, as if they hadn't used them in months, but there was instantly a couple of loud popping noises as the trick wands transformed into assorted plastic toucans. Then, one of the toucans spoke.
"Greetings young people." Said the biggest and ugliest one. "We are known as the Order of the Toucan and our sole purpose in life is to guide you, advise you, and make sure you do not get lost in the deep bowels of the gloomy underworld, otherwise known as the subway."
Harry looked around. There was not anything anywhere in sight that remotely resembled a subway.
"Ah my mistake. Wrong script. It seems we are unable to help you at all and you must fend for yourselves. Good luck. You'll need it." and with that, the bird disappeared in a pink flash of light. The group looked around disappointed, and started off into the gloomy passageways, unaware that Savage followed a few feet behind, and unaware of the danger that awaited them.
Suddenly, Mr. Connor stepped forward, leading the other members of ETOAAE (Evil Teachers of America and Europe) into battle. Stick-up-his-arse-ki (SUHAK) was wielding the pink, fluffy, smarmy pun generator of doom, wheras The O was standing around looking omnipotent and powerful, while a student clutching a graphing calculator bowed down to him. The Tuch was downing a cup of coffee, as usual, while rambling on about how someone used an adverb instead of an adjective.
The characters in this fanfic that actually belonged in the Harry Potter realm gasped at the oncoming army of teachers. There was nothing they could do, except possibly lose them in the labyrinth, which was a horribly awful chance to take in a fanfiction as spontaneous as this one, so they did the only thing that they could; their math homework.
In an attempt to keep the story moving, all the evil teachers were suddenly doused in neon blue peanut butter giving the heroes time to lose them in the maze. Unfortunately, they had no idea where they were going and were soon lost, separated from each other, hungry, no idea what time it was, and hopeless.
Harry decided that being lost and hopeless and hungry was kind of cool, because it was angsty. So he stared and the disturbing crimson ooze dripping from the walls and began composing dark haikus about it to send to his beloved Draco.
"What, I thought he was dating-well, I thought he was straight right now."
"He's also dating one of the female main characters, but that doesn't matter because he's a tortured bisexual polygamist."
"Oh, O.K. then. On with the story!"
oozing from the wall,
This disturbing crimson ooze;
See the crimson ooze.
Harry smiled darkly, kissed the black parchment on which he had written the haiku(in blood of course) and sent it off to Drako, Draco and Darco's triplet, because the angsty atmosphere, while inspiring him poetically, was kind of making his head oozy and he couldn't spell.
Harry then faced Hermione and said "Do you by any chance know the spell to turn something into a portkey?"
Hermione looked back at him and flipped her hair over her shoulder. "Ron, don't you know that's the point of having me here?" she asked, rolling her eyes in disgust. "Why else would she put me in?"
"As his love interest?" Harry suggested.
"Nope TARGET PRACTICE!" Cried Savage over the load speakers.
A piano fell on Hermione.