Sorry for not posting in so long, but I've been busy with schoolwork.

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Meanwhile, Kelpy began to analyze this entire situation in Freud's usual style, and then stopped because it is the products of minds that are beyond help anyway.

MEANWHILE, Kelpy, deep in serious pondering of her deep existential angst, came to the conclusion that happy, floofy scenes are the worst thing in the world, and the color pink is also highly ungood, unless it's a subtle mauve or a serious dark shade of purpley-marooney. The happiest, floofiest, pinkest thing in the world, however, was a seemingly innocent stuffed rabbit. But LO! at night Floof the evil bunny came alive and whispered happy, giggly floofy ideas into small children's brains, making them writhe with joy, when they, like all small children, aught to be hung by their toenails above bubbling vats of sulpheric acid and told how much their mommies and daddies hate their guts.

For the sake of angst, the people revolted and massacred everybody in sight. Among the deceased were Ron, Viktor Krum, Steven Spielberg's evil twin, some random Chinese dude named Bob, and Ronald McDonald. They were henceforth not be mentioned again in this story ever again. They were mudered in a vicious and brutal way which I will not describe so as not to attain an 'R' rating, but I believe I should mention it involved thirty-nine bloodthirsty wooly mammoths, a nuclear missile, and the Lavender Swedish-smelling Homework Assignment of Destruction.

Because he was immensely bored, Savage decided to go on a quest to find the Holy Grail*, (which was actually a plastic cup with a piece of paper taped to it inscribed "Holy") so he took a band of five followers, a boat, three jumbo bags of chocolate frogs (just to make it seem as though the story had ANYTHING to do with Harry Potter anymore, and besides, what else was everybody going to eat?) a rusty tin can, his Game Boy Advance, and sailed off towards the horizon.

Suddenly, in a desperate attempt to get this story moving again, Savage called off the quest for the Holy Grail and instead decided to stalk Harry, Ron, and Hermione, who, in case you don't remember, are supposedly the topic of this fanfic, as they went off to find the true meaning of life, which, as everyone knows, can be found at The Happy Happy Sushi Restaurant.

The sushi restaurant, however, was closed. People were picketing around it, wearing shirts with a strange yellow M symbol.

"What the -?" Savage asked, looking bewildered.

Harry shrugged, unwrapping a burger with the same symbol plastered all over it. "The Happy Happy Sushi Bar is being sued for selling Happy Happy Meals."

Savage blinked. "Well, then how am I supposed to get the story moving again?"

Harry pondered this. "Have Hermione turn gay?"

"No, that might ruin the story rating."

"But we've paired her angst-ily with everyone but Cho!"

Savage pondered this new dilemma, wondering exactly what he should do . . .

*Cheesy music fades: commercial break . . . back in thirty . . .*


After the commercials, Savage decided to go eat Spaghetti because he was hungry, leaving Ron and Harry to figure out the problem for themselves.

Therefore, Harry and Ron had a major problem on their hands. Harry had some ketchup and Special Sauce on his hands, too, making Ron feel slightly jealous.

Also, some of the people were still confused about whether they were Questing, so while Harry and Ron attempted to solve a problem (any one of the 2647 problems with the story would do) several of the random people who show up from nowhere every once in a while stood around yelling about coconuts, in accents quite different from those they normally used.

One such person was the Chinese Football-Playing Phantom Ninja from Outer Space. He was waving around a lightsaber, which he used to slice the pink, fluffy ketchup and sauce packets of doom to pieces, Thusly ending the conflict.

Because of the resolution of the previous conflict, a new, random conflict must be introduced. This conflict took the form of a tourist named The Evil Fiery Demonic Ghoul...known as Bob. However, the Evil-Demonic-something-something-something wasn't really all that bad as his name made him out to be; he was really just lonely. But being lonely and misunderstood, and emotional depression caused him to become and evil, twisted, insane, power-hungry, vicious, megalomaniac bent on enslaving all of humankind and RULING THE WORLD!!

Except that, his entire life, Bob was shunted to the status of 'high-class minion,' always so close to power but never really having any.
But then, his therapist suggested that Bob take up a relaxing hobby. That was how he became involved in spam sculpture, when he was already 3,141.59 years old. Now, at age 4,000, Bob is the world's premiere spamist, famous for such works as Spamina and the highly praised 'penguin in scarves with a crystal ball' used on a Fleetwood Mac tour until a rabid sushi chef turned it into 500 pounds of pineapple and spam sushi rolls.

The sushi chef was none other than the infamous Sushi Chef Pi, of Happy Happy Sushi fame. She stabbed the Penguin in Scarves with Crystal Ball sculpture with her gold-plated spork 42 times before it finally was broken into small enough pieces to be used in the building of her army of pineapple sushi ninjas. Pi actually liked the sculpture, but it had exempted a tambourine in its array of symbols, and in accordance with the tambourine-ist prophecy, had to be destroyed. As a result, tambourine-ists flocked to join the sushi army, and not long after, Sushi Chef Pi ruled the world.

He ruled the Harry Potter World, that is.

One day, her minion Hermione came in, carrying a giant platter of inu sushi.
"BWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" cackled Pi, causing Ms. Granger to give her a really funny look.
"Errrrr..."

Suddenly there was a great flash of light and everyone was transported to Hogwarts. The voice of the almighty creator of all things Harry Potter was heard booming throughout the land. "What have you done with my precious characters I demand that something proper happen now," and with that everything seemed to become normal again.

Of course, after a few weeks of normalness, Harry decided it was getting a bit too boring. How could somebody possibly prefer NORMAL over evil-pink-demonic-fiery-ghoulish-Japanese-chefs-spawned from the Pit of Doom? It was unthinkable. So Harry went about the task of setting things abnormal again. First, he needed supporters. Hermione, being Hermione, preferred to be in the library READING instead of having crazy mishap adventures filled with Pink Fluffy Camels. Ron- well, Ron was dead remember? Or was he revived? It no longer mattered. Harry had the supporters he needed. Seamus' stuffed bear, Terry Boot from House Ravenclaw, and Professor Mcgonagall. The last was rather surprising, because Professor Mcgonagall was the sort no-nonsense person, but she had confided in the bear, ("If everything stays NORMAL, I won't be able to continue flirting with Snape as I had been doing before, of course, if everything's NOT normal, I run the risk of being turned into a pink fluffy hedgehog and becoming Sega's new mascot, since Dumbledore ate their last mascot for Thanksgiving dinner...") Ahem.

And so, after a long search, (which ended in the nearby Wal-mart) Harry found what he was looking for. Callandor. The Pitchforks that Is Not a Pitchfork. The Pitchfork that Cannot Be Touched. The Very Bad and Not Very Funny Spoof off of the Wheel of Time Series, by Robert Jordan, Which I Recommend You Read.

Harry, wrapped in the Void, raised the powerful sa'angreal toward the sky, and...

Nothing happened.

"Stupid plastic merchandising."

Then, Harry found himself stuck on Wheel of Time Survivor, watching as Rand, Elayne, Egwene, and Nynaeve struggled to set up a VCR so that they could watch the video tape in it and complete their immunity challenge. Rand ran over to where Harry was standing, confused, and yanked the plastic Callandor from his hand, and began to bludgeon the VCR with it obnoxiously while muttering to himself. Elayne managed to channel across time through the aid of a ter'angreal that she invented, and stole a random VCR from Stevie Nicks's living room and proceeded to watch the video tape. The video was of people in neon purple jumpsuits and afro wigs doing the Macarena to Free Fallin' (because this story hasn't had a random Tom Petty reference in a while.) The group opened their crate of jumpsuits and afro wigs, but then discovered that Gollum was crouching inside the box, chanting, no, not my precious, but, "And I'm Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, Freeee Fallin!!!!!!!"

Hermione stared at Gollum for a moment, not aware that fire-engine red tinted drool was dripping from her slack jaw.
"Oh my gawd, Harry, he's..." she whispered breathlessly.
"I know," he agreed in tones of revulsion, "that is the most foul thing I have ever-"

Harry's comment was bluntly interrupted by a stinging slap to the face. Hermione was livid.

"How dare you talk about my Smeagel-poo like that?"
"Smeagel-poo?"

Hermione snapped her pointy manicured nails, and the contestants of WoT survivor were suddenly trampled by three hundred of Gollum's screaming fangirls, fanboys, fancentuars, fanelves, fanwraiths, and other miscellaneous fan-entities.

Hermione gave a smile of satisfaction at the look of total shock on Harry's face:
"Meet my fellow gollum-lovers. We are officially called The Great and Honorable League of the Stinky Ones." (TGaHLotSO)

Suddenly, Eowyn stepped forth from the crowd and started conducting an orchestra that had appeared out of nowhere that started playing music from the Lord of the Rings soundtrack. I might also add that Aran'gar and Osan'gar were playing the clarinet and the violins were all played by owls. In honor of Gollom's role in The Return of the King, Hermione proceeded to eat a live fish. Ron was doing a Chinese folk dance, and Artemis Fowl had begun randomly channeling saidin, was calling himself Napoleon and had begun conquest of Australia.