Note: This Chapter is dedicated to my friend Jacky (Janga). Without her sick ideas, this chapter would not have been possible. So without further ado, Thanks Jacky, and I hope you and anyone else who reads this enjoys it. (:p)
-Drew
Pt. 7: Winnie the Drew & Christmas Too
(It's a wintry scene. Snow covers all, and the Author, Drew, Nickger, Janga, Soo, Stiglet, Ropher and Neyore sit on a snowy hill)
Author: Well guys, you've been close to good this year. What do you want Santa to bring you?
Stiglet: I'd like a (whisper to Author)
Author: Ok then, one extra-large sex toy.
(Groups cringes)
Drew: (Whispering) Tell Santa to bring a 6-pack for Stiglet.
Author: Cool. What about you Ropher?
Ropher: A small version of whatever pig-boy asked for.
Drew: And a 6-pack for Ropher too.
Neyore: I'd like a greenhouse to keep my stash warm in the winter.
Stiglet: So that's why you haven't been stoned.
Janga: I want a shotgun. (Group steps back) What??
Drew: 6-packs for Janga and Neyore…. Noticing a pattern yet?
Soo: I'd like a vibrator…for when Nickger is busy.
Drew: uh….Okthen, bring a-
Author: 6-Pack for Soo? I'm noticing the pattern.
Drew: Yes…that'll do.
Nickger: Whatever Santa wants to bring me, let him bring it.
Drew: And of course a 6-Pack for Nickger.
Author: Anyone else? Well then, next stop, the North Pole.
(Author let's go of the letter, and it flies North in the wind)
(Next Morning, December 24th)
(Drew is setting up his tree. He steps back to look at it, but someone knocks at the door)
Drew: Hold on eh! (Nickger's at the door) G'day.
Nickger: Wassup?
Drew: Setting up my tree, but something's missing.
Nickger: That's why I'm here. You forgot something.
Drew: Probably. (Looks at tree) Popcorn strings? Antique Decorations? A Present?
Nickger: Yup. When the author was asking what us, you forgot to say something. Dumbass.
Drew: Great. Shit. Bonus. Get your coat.
Nickger: Why?
Drew: I'm not getting gypped this year. We're going to find that letter.
Nickger: Oh boy..
(Scene changes to hill they sat on yesterday. They look at the weather vane. It's pointing North)
Nickger: What's the plan?
Drew: We will trek north, facing fierce odds, strange beings, harsh climates till we find the letter, then….
Nickger: Uh.. Drew?
Drew: What?: Why are you interrupting my dramatic speech?
Nickger: Cause the letter is on the weather vane.
Drew: Oh.. Makes sense. You don't happen to have a pencil do you?
Nickger: (Checking fur) Pencil, pencil.. Nope. No pencil
Drew: Shit. We gotta get a pencil or I can't ask for shit.
Nickger: You wanted to ask for shit?
Drew: Shut up and walk.
(The 2 head off and into the snow covered forest with the letter in hand.)
(Further in the forest, Neyore is sitting outside his hut)
Neyore: It'll do till I get my greenhouse. (Ropher speeds into hut, chased by Stiglet) Shit.
Stiglet: (swinging bat) Get back here you buck-toothed rat!
Ropher: Calm down, it's Christmas. You know, Goodwill towards mankind?
Stiglet: True… But we're animals!! (continues to chase him)
Neyore: Calm down eh, relax. It's Christmas Eve. You want Santa to bring you your….gift, right?
Stiglet: (stops) Your right…Think he'll bring the gifts?
Ropher: (near them) Of course! That letter was from the heart, full of true holiday greed. He's probably reading it now, and his beady eyes are full of tears.
(Drew and Nickger appear)
Nickger: Hey.
Group: Hey.
Drew: Any of you have a pencil?
Ropher: Pig boy and I don't have one on us, and if stoner had one, it's in pieces by now.
Drew: Dammit. You know what this means right?
Nickger: You're screwed?
Drew: No, we have to see the Kangaroo's.
Stiglet: So Nickger can get screwed!
(Nickger calmly steps back, then punches Stiglet in the gut.)
(Groups heads to the Kangaroo's house.)
(We see inside the house. Janga is asleep in a chair. A small spider lands just above her head. Out of nowhere, her hands snatches it.)
Janga: Gotta be faster the that. (Another one is on the window. She tosses a rock) DIE!!
(Janga misses, the Spider laughs, and runs off)
Janga: Soon, with my shotgun, they will all die.
(Knock on the door)
Janga: Polite little things ain't they? (Grabs handful of rocks) (Opens door) DIE!! (Raises hand, opens eyes, sees group.)….Sorry bout that.
Drew: No problem.
Janga: What you all want?
Nickger: Drew and I need a pencil. The rest just followed us.
Drew: So you have a pencil?
(Soo enters, hyped up)
Soo: Sure we do. Why do you need one??
Nickger: Drew forgot to ask for a gift.
Soo: Shit. Guess your screwed.
Stiglet: Nope. Look what they got. (Points to letter"
Neyore: Good call.
Ropher: So, (holding pencil and letter) what do you want?
Drew: I want -
Janga: Just write a case of 24.
Drew: Thanks. Put down a supply of ammo for Janga's shotgun.
Janga: Cool.
Neyore: Since everyone's so giving, make Ropher and Stiglet's gifts top of the line.
Stiglet: And make Neyore's greenhouse big enough for all his drugs.
Soo: Give Nickger 2 of whatever!
Nickger: Add some bondage shit for Soo!
(Room goes quiet)
Nickger: Scratch that last one.
Drew: What time is it?
Ropher: Almost 3:00pm
Drew: Stiglet, come with me. We gotta toss this letter to the wind.
Nickger: Why not me?
Ropher: Cause I think you have some explaining to do.
(Cut to Drew and Stiglet tossing letter to the wind, then heading down the hill to their homes. As Drew closes the door, we see the letter fly beneath his door)
Drew: Oh Shit…
(Cut to Stiglet's house. Drew is at the door)
Stiglet: What do we do now?
Drew: Only thing we can do. I'll need a red suit and hat. Plus a pair of antlers.
Stiglet: Oh boy.
(It's night. We see the outside of Nickger's house. Nickger and Soo are inside.)
Soo: Should we start to celebrate early?
Nickger: Well… (Knock on door) Hold that thought.
(Opens door. Drew is there, wearing Santa hat, coat and beard.)
Drew: Ho! Ho! Ho!
(Nickger closes door)
Nickger: (To Soo) It's Santa…Always thought he'd be taller.
Drew: (from outside) Open the door, it's fucking cold!
Nickger: Ok ok.. Wait, shouldn't you be coming down the chimney??
Drew: (Looking at Chimney) Ah shit.
(Nickger and Soo wait near Tree)
Drew: (falling down chimney) SHIT!!! (Hits log) Fucking log! Uh…Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas (hands them gifts and runs out door)
Soo: (Opening gift) Finally I got my…(looking at gift) Egg timer shaped like a pickle?
Nickger: Ha! And I got… a box..
Soo: That cheapskate! Let's find him and tear off his balls!
Nickger: Oh boy.
(We see inside Janga's house. Some spiders are sitting calmly)
Janga: (To spiders) Relax, no fear (whispers) Soon I'll have my shotgun, and then…
(There's a sound at the window. Drew crashes through)
Janga: Santa? Always thought he'd be taller...
Drew: Ho! Ho! Oh, my head. (Looks at Janga) Here you go, Merry Christmas. (Hands her gift, runs out door)
(Janga opens gift, inside is a toy pop-gun)
Janga: It'll do…Die 8 Legged scum!!! (Tries to fire gun, pop bullet flies out, string stops in front of spider) Uh oh.
(We see the spiders chase Janga outside, where she runs into Nickger and Soo)
Nickger: What happened to you?
Janga: (Holding gun) Look what Santa brought me.. Cheapskate.
Soo: (showing egg timer) He got us to.
( A sound is heard)
Nickger: Hark, I hearth a donkey in distress.
(The 3 walk towards the sound.)
(Neyore is trapped in a small wooden house painted green)
Nickger: What happened? Santa was supposed to bring you a green house (looks at house.) I see he did.
Neyore: Get me outta here! Well, don't hurry, The paint is giving me a good high..
(Out of the sky falls Ropher, who breaks house on contact)
Ropher: Sorry bout that. My Christmas gift turned out to be a bunch of balloons tied together. Stupid things blew up!
Neyore: My gift was suffocating me.
Janga: We have to stop "Santa" before he delivers more gifts.
Soo: How do we do that?
Janga: By following the footprints fatty left in the snow.
(The 5-some follow the tracks. Further ahead, Santa Drew and Stiglet rest on a hill)
Drew: This is a lot harder then I thought.
Stiglet: What now? Grab a beer and rest till tomorrow?
Drew: We should. But I think I hear the others heading this way. Now act like a reindeer and get ready to run.
(The group arrive near the hill.)
Nickger: Stop right there!
Drew: Where?
Nickger: Good point.. Just don't move.
Drew: Uh… I have lots more gifts to deliver.
Janga: Sure…How do we know you're the real Santa?
Drew: Because…I have the suit. And the beard. And the reindeer… So I guess I'm Santa.
Ropher: He makes a good point.
Neyore: Ya, but that's a sorry looking reindeer.
Soo: Allright. Let's see you make your reindeer fly.
Drew and Stiglet: (wide-eyed) Fly??
(The group look at them impatiently.)
Drew: Uhh.. Well, on….uh… on Dancer, and Prancer, On Dasher and Vixen, on Comet and Cupid, Donner and… uhh. (counts on fingers)
(From off Camera) Reindeer: BLITZEN ! YOU DUMB FUCK!!
Drew: Right… On Blitzen. Now fly stupid reindeer fly!
Stiglet: (running) When this is over…
(They keep running, and then fall off the hill, bowling down the group)
Janga: That was to be expected. (Looking at Drew and Stiglet) Drew? Stiglet?
Drew: Hey.. Ho! Ho! Ho??
Soo: Your dead!!! I'm gonna rip your balls off with a spoon!
Drew: Woo! Stop the P.M.S, I can explain.
(Drew explains what happened with the letter and the plan)
Nickger: Makes sense.
Soo: Sorry bout the ball thing.
Drew: Sorry for fucking up your Christmas… I owe you one.
Janga: You owe us more then one. But we'll get to that later.
Stiglet: Maybe Santa knows what we want, and will bring it without a letter.
Nickger: Right… And angels will fly around my ass.
Drew: Not much we can do now. I say we all go to our homes and get some rest.
(The group head home, disappointed that Christmas is ruined)
The En- (Drew and Nickger run in)
Drew: You didn't think we'd end it like that did you? Err..
Nickger: Let's do that death ending.
Drew: We gotta do the real ending first, then the death ending, then the Super Happy Ending
Nickger: Super Happy ending? Allright. On to the real ending!
(The two do the "de-le-le" thing from Wayne's World)
(Real Ending)
(It's Christmas morning. We see inside Drew's House.)
Drew: …Why's it so bright out? (Looks under tree) An where did that gift come from? (Opens it. Inside is a Bubba of Beer) EXCELLENT!!
(We are now in Stiglet's house.)
Stiglet: (Looking at gift box) I must have been really good this year. (Opens it, reveals large robot sex toy that resembles an elf) Thank you God!
(Janga's house)
Janga: (opening gift) Finally (loads Shotgun) Time to die you eight legged freaks!! (Kills 3 spiders with 1 shot)
(Neyore's Hut. Neyore looks at Greenhouse next to his hut)
Neyore: New Weed, New Year, New High. Cool (Tokes up)
(Ropher pops out of a hole near him)
Ropher: Look what I got (Holds up box, "Extra Large Sex Toy with real pussy)
Neyore: Cool man..
(We cut to Nickger in front of a large box. Inside is a smaller box)
Nickger: If there's a smaller box inside that one, I'll kill. (Opens it. Eyes Widen) Sanata knew what I wanted Allright.
(Inside Box is Soo with her Vibrator)
Soo Should we start to celebrate?
Nickger: Hell ya! Merry Christmas! (Hops in and closes top)
The En-- (Drew and Nickger run in again)
Nickger: Cool. Now let's do the death ending.
Drew: Death Ending, kick ass.
(They do the "de-le-le" thing again)
(Death Ending: Everyone has their gifts, but then…)
(We see Neyore turning on the heat lamps in the greenhouse. As he walks out, it catches fire)
Neyore: My Weed!!! Nooo!!! (Runs inside to save drugs, comes out coughing) It was worth it… (Coughs and dies)
(Next, we see Ropher in his tunnel. Inside is Ropher and his sex toy)
Ropher: Let's see how realistic it is (Moves down to it's pussy) Looks real enough. Let's test (tries to lick it, and his head gets stuck inside) What….the…fuck.. (Stops breathing)
(In Stiglet's house, he looks tired after trying out his gift he flips through the manual)
Stiglet: This has to be the greatest gift I've ever got. Now, what does this button do?
(Presses button. Gift starts to shake and flash)
Voice: Self-Destruct sequence engaged. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
Stiglet: Shit.
(We see Stiglet's house explode in a mushroom cloud)
(Gun shots are heard. They are coming from Janga's. The walls are covered in bullet holes. Janga stands a few feet from a spider, gun in hand.)
Janga: Die you piece of shit. (fires gun. Bullet ricochets off wall, hits Janga) Fuck!
(As the body count rises, we go to Nickger's house)
(Inside, Nickger and Soo are in the closet.)
Soo (being pierced by Nickger's "tail") I …think…you used… too much…viagra (She explodes as he comes)
Nickger: (reeling from the shockwave) Oh no.. This can't get worse (Axe falls from shelf, cut's "tail" off) I should stop saying that (slumps over dead)
(We see Drew standing up on a hill, having witnessed the body count)
Drew: Shit, I'm not gonna lean this up. (Picks up rock and bashes head in)
The En--- (Drew and Nickger run in once more)
Drew: Most excellent death ending.
Nickger: Let's finish off with the Super Happy Ending.
(The do the "de-le-le" thing once more)
(Super Happy Ending)
( We cut to Ropher's as he finishes his gift)
Ropher: Now that was a good hole.
(We see Neyore, with his gift box turned into a bong)
Neyore: Wow, I knew this box would make an excellent bong (Tokes up) That tree would make an excellent bong.. (Takes a big puff, Eyes widen) Drew's head would make an excellent Bong!!!
(Next we enter Janga's. She's cradling her shotgun)
Janga: I love this gun… and anyone who says anything about that dies…
(Stiglet's, where he is one the floor wishing his gift were real)
Stiglet: I wish my gift were real… Is there a delayed echo in here?
(Suddenly, bright light emanates from around the gift. It comes to life.)
Elf Gift: Hello Stiglet, Want to screw me?
Stiglet: (Wide-eyed) Hell Ya! (Jumps into Elf's lap ands stars to fuck it)
(Now Nickger's. We see the closet door banging in and out, moans and vibrations being heard)
Nickger: Oh ya, Oh God!!!
Soo: Keep going! Harder bitch!!
(Image fades out, and the words "Winnie the Drew and Christmas Too" fill the small screen. Shot widens, and we see Drew sitting in a chair holding a beer)
Drew: Well, everyone got what they wanted, and then some, I'll have a huge hangover tomorrow, but I got this story turned into a Christmas Special)
(Entire Gang enters)
Nickger: Yup, everything turned out great…
Drew: And isn't it great that we're all better people?
(Everyone has huge grins on. We see Fowul flying by and taking a dump. His shit lands all over Ropher)
Drew: Come on, you knew it wouldn't't stay all happy for long did you? Err…
The End (of Story 7)