Chapter 12- Tired
You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
For a little peace of mind
--I'm so Tired (The Beatles)
When I woke it was well past noon judging by the sunlight streaming in from the window. The earthy smell of rain was still lingering in the air but it looked like it was going to be a beautiful day. It seemed as if there was something I should remember but it didn't seem important on such a nice day.
Someone was knocking on my door. I donned my over robe and went to let them. "Oh good morning Matthew." I smiled and let him in.
He looked at me as if I had grown an extra head. "What is going on?" He demanded pushing past me, his face stormy. "You know I love you Lei but Alex is a person and you can't just toy with his emotions." I had never seen him look this angry, especially not at me.
I gulped, Matthew was down right scary when he had a mind to be. And then the memories of the previous night came crashing down on my head. I was never going to explain my actions. Why hadn't I denied my feeling for Alex? I sunk to the bed and racked my mind for a plausible excuse.
But my mind felt as if it had been wrung out so I opted for the partial truth. "Look Matthew, I'm not trying to hurt Alex. This is possibly worse for me then it is for him but we can't be together and I can't tell you why. We're all going to have to learn to accept that." I said my voice cracking as I fought back tears.
"Oh Lei." He came and sat next to me on the bed and pulled me against his shoulder. When I stopped crying what seemed like an eternity later his shirt was soaked with my hot tears and I felt no better. "I'm sorry I thought that about you. I was just so upset and angry when Alex told me what happened last night." He said patting my hair, still mussed from the night of sleep.
"It's Ok, I'm sorry I can't tell you my side." I said, my face bright red and raw from salt.
"Why not?" He asked.
I shook my head. "Just can't." I said. "Please don't push it."
But no such luck. He tried different things for a little under half an hour until finally he slipped. "Well you'd better figure out your issues pretty damn quick because Alex is leaving tonight." He sighed in frustration.
"What?" I practically yelled.
"Char and Ella invented some family crisis when he told them what happened with you. They can't leave right away, the roads aren't good enough from the rain but they should be leaving by tomorrow." He said. "That's what I came here to tell you."
I ran into my closet and pulled on the nearest thing, a mourning dress from some funeral or another, but it seemed appropriate. "Matthew I have to go, I'll see you later all right?" I said and hurried downstairs.
I was just getting out the door when he came half way down the stairs. "Lei, you want me to come?" He asked.
I tried to smile my thanks. "No I need to do this alone." And I hurried off.
I don't remember anything about the walk to Alex's and what seemed like a second later I was standing outside his chambers. I bit my lips, this was taking more courage then I ever knew I had. But I raised my hand and knocked.
Crystal opened the door. "My brother doesn't want to talk to you." She told me, sharply, no hint of the lovely, sweet girl who I had laughed at last night. But I respected her choice even if it made me want to cry, I had hurt her brother and probably deserved this pungent anger.
"Crystal please, I really need to talk to Alex." I begged, regretting my brash decision.
She glared at me. "You have a lot of nerve coming back here." She started to lecture me.
"No Crystal it's Ok, just let her in." Alex said from inside the room. She looked like she didn't think this was such a good idea but stepped aside anyway. "Can we speak alone?" He asked Crystal.
"Alex." She warned quietly.
"Please?" He asked.
She made a noise low in her throat, gave me a withering look and stepped out. Alex looked about as miserable, rumpled and tired as I felt but still beautiful. His black hair was all in his eyes, it had grown out a little since he had arrived I noticed. "Did you have something to say?" He asked, quietly, no anger, just a quiet sort of acceptance.
"Not really, I just couldn't let you go without seeing you again." I felt tears prick the back of my eyes. "I mean Alex you're my friend, why can't we just leave it at that?" I asked.
He sighed and sat down on his bed. "We can't leave it at that Lei because I love you." Good answer Alex, good answer, I thought clinically, but it ripped my heart into two neat pieces.
I moved to put my arms around him out of habit but he moved back. "Please don't touch me, if you touch me and then you leave..." He trailed off. "I don't think I can take that." There was a physical pain in my chest as I nodded.
"It never would have worked out between us." I said, swallowing my tears down around a lump in my throat. "I was only trying to be practical." Only after the words left my mouth did I realize they were too close to the truth.
"Why not?" He asked.
"Because it wouldn't have." I said lamely.
"Don't give me that Lorelei, just don't do it. I can take your rejection but don't patronize me. I'm not a little kid, you don't have to look out for my feelings." He said sharply.
"Why did you have to kiss me?" I asked, an accusatory note in my voice, although I knew all to well emotions that he had been feeling. They could drive you to much greater madness then a mere kiss.
"Because I love you." He sounded so defeated I wanted to die. And in that instant I gave up my last strain of sanity with the realization that if I loved him I would have to let him go. Harmony would ruin our lives together, she was more cunning then I could ever know and I would never outsmart her unless I invoked love, something she didn't understand.
So I swallowed my pride and my reason and did the most painful thing I could. I had never been a good liar before but now the silver ill truths slid off my forked tongue with ease and Alex believed me. Perhaps because what I was saying was so crazy it was hard to believe I had made it up.
Remorseful sounding sentiments about how if we couldn't be friends I would appreciate him staying away from me resounded about the room. He nodded thought my whole speech and didn't cry once but when I had run out things he stood up. "I understand, you won't have to see me anymore. I shall be returning to my home tomorrow." He said with a sad smile as he showed me to the door. "I will never stop loving you." He promised just before it shut and I think I saw a tear run down his cheek but he turned away to quickly for me to be sure.
I returned to my room and cried away the afternoon knowing I would never be the same again.
It was three years before I saw Alex again and I had changed vastly from the shy eighteen year old I had been when we last met. I was a little taller and I was a little more comfortable in my body, less clumsy for sure. But the biggest change was my attitude, I was still shy and quiet but I was more assertive.
Harmony married a duke and moved out of the house but not out of our lives, as a dutiful daughter she visited or invited us over for dinner frequently. But I had moved out of her sway, I had gathered up enough bravery (or possibly temerity) to begin refusing to do her bidding. She made life miserable for me for a good part of six months but I proved more stubborn and she gave up.
Ethan still bothered me periodically but I wasn't as scared of him as I had been, my monsters were fast disappearing and I was maturing. Father had given up any semblance of control over me or hopes of marriage so I was pretty much allowed to run rampant and make my own choices. And that's exactly what I did.
It's funny, but courage seems to manifest itself in the strangest ways and giving up Alex made me stronger. With every tear that I shed I became more and more resolved not to let anyone control me like Harmony had ever again. Stupid, you might think, that now that I was no longer under Harmony's thumb I should just write him and explain but it wasn't that simple. I was to scared that he would already have moved on with his life and I had hurt him badly, I wasn't sure he would want to hear from me, even if the letter was just a friendly hello.
All things considered I was happier person, more true to my own self, for sure. But it had come to late, I thought, I had destroyed any hope of a relationship with Alex beyond repair and that thought haunted me. Matthew and I talked about it sometimes and eventually he guessed my motivations. In his opinion I had royally messed up, but he passed no judgment on me, only my decision.
He went to visit Alex in Kyria annually and wrote him a lot (encouraging me to do the same), but it was too painful. I couldn't even wear the ice skates Alex gave me so they, like my memories sat in the back of my closet and I just watched Matthew whirl on the ice alone.
I had collected all the things that reminded me of Alex a few weeks after his departure and stuffed them into the back of my closet in a hat box. But sometimes on gorgeous spring mornings, when I missed him the most I would sneak in to my closet to open the box, brushing off the layers of dust, half relieved to find that the pain was as sharp as ever. It wasn't healthy, I knew, but I couldn't help myself.
But I never thought I would ever see him again so I was shocked when Matthew invited me on his trip up to Kyria one year. I stared at him for a few moment. "What?" I asked finally.
"Would you like to go with my to Kryia next week?" He repeated.
I blinked. "I don't know." I said finally, my mind in turmoil. I certainly didn't want to spend the two weeks at my family's house but seeing Alex again might just snap me. "I guess so." I added. "Do you think I should?"
"I think you should, maybe you can get some closure from seeing him again." Matthew suggested.
I nodded. "Yes I guess I'd like to go." But closure was the last thing on my mind, I knew it was impossible, I was just too much in love with Alex for that kind of thing. But to see him, be near him, maybe even win back his friendship was just to inciting. I knew I was just going to get my heart broken again in the back of my head but I was lost already in fantasies.
AN: I am such a bad person, this is so short but I promise the next chapter will be great. It would be so cool if I could get 200 reviews by the next chapter but that might be unrealistic. I've decided just to send a general answer to all my lovely reviewers: Thank you guys so much, you're the best! Yeah I know I'm a bad person for dragging this out and not posting for so long but I'm working on it!! Anyway till next time keep clicking that review button!!!
You'd say I'm putting you on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
You know I'd give you everything I've got
For a little peace of mind
--I'm so Tired (The Beatles)
When I woke it was well past noon judging by the sunlight streaming in from the window. The earthy smell of rain was still lingering in the air but it looked like it was going to be a beautiful day. It seemed as if there was something I should remember but it didn't seem important on such a nice day.
Someone was knocking on my door. I donned my over robe and went to let them. "Oh good morning Matthew." I smiled and let him in.
He looked at me as if I had grown an extra head. "What is going on?" He demanded pushing past me, his face stormy. "You know I love you Lei but Alex is a person and you can't just toy with his emotions." I had never seen him look this angry, especially not at me.
I gulped, Matthew was down right scary when he had a mind to be. And then the memories of the previous night came crashing down on my head. I was never going to explain my actions. Why hadn't I denied my feeling for Alex? I sunk to the bed and racked my mind for a plausible excuse.
But my mind felt as if it had been wrung out so I opted for the partial truth. "Look Matthew, I'm not trying to hurt Alex. This is possibly worse for me then it is for him but we can't be together and I can't tell you why. We're all going to have to learn to accept that." I said my voice cracking as I fought back tears.
"Oh Lei." He came and sat next to me on the bed and pulled me against his shoulder. When I stopped crying what seemed like an eternity later his shirt was soaked with my hot tears and I felt no better. "I'm sorry I thought that about you. I was just so upset and angry when Alex told me what happened last night." He said patting my hair, still mussed from the night of sleep.
"It's Ok, I'm sorry I can't tell you my side." I said, my face bright red and raw from salt.
"Why not?" He asked.
I shook my head. "Just can't." I said. "Please don't push it."
But no such luck. He tried different things for a little under half an hour until finally he slipped. "Well you'd better figure out your issues pretty damn quick because Alex is leaving tonight." He sighed in frustration.
"What?" I practically yelled.
"Char and Ella invented some family crisis when he told them what happened with you. They can't leave right away, the roads aren't good enough from the rain but they should be leaving by tomorrow." He said. "That's what I came here to tell you."
I ran into my closet and pulled on the nearest thing, a mourning dress from some funeral or another, but it seemed appropriate. "Matthew I have to go, I'll see you later all right?" I said and hurried downstairs.
I was just getting out the door when he came half way down the stairs. "Lei, you want me to come?" He asked.
I tried to smile my thanks. "No I need to do this alone." And I hurried off.
I don't remember anything about the walk to Alex's and what seemed like a second later I was standing outside his chambers. I bit my lips, this was taking more courage then I ever knew I had. But I raised my hand and knocked.
Crystal opened the door. "My brother doesn't want to talk to you." She told me, sharply, no hint of the lovely, sweet girl who I had laughed at last night. But I respected her choice even if it made me want to cry, I had hurt her brother and probably deserved this pungent anger.
"Crystal please, I really need to talk to Alex." I begged, regretting my brash decision.
She glared at me. "You have a lot of nerve coming back here." She started to lecture me.
"No Crystal it's Ok, just let her in." Alex said from inside the room. She looked like she didn't think this was such a good idea but stepped aside anyway. "Can we speak alone?" He asked Crystal.
"Alex." She warned quietly.
"Please?" He asked.
She made a noise low in her throat, gave me a withering look and stepped out. Alex looked about as miserable, rumpled and tired as I felt but still beautiful. His black hair was all in his eyes, it had grown out a little since he had arrived I noticed. "Did you have something to say?" He asked, quietly, no anger, just a quiet sort of acceptance.
"Not really, I just couldn't let you go without seeing you again." I felt tears prick the back of my eyes. "I mean Alex you're my friend, why can't we just leave it at that?" I asked.
He sighed and sat down on his bed. "We can't leave it at that Lei because I love you." Good answer Alex, good answer, I thought clinically, but it ripped my heart into two neat pieces.
I moved to put my arms around him out of habit but he moved back. "Please don't touch me, if you touch me and then you leave..." He trailed off. "I don't think I can take that." There was a physical pain in my chest as I nodded.
"It never would have worked out between us." I said, swallowing my tears down around a lump in my throat. "I was only trying to be practical." Only after the words left my mouth did I realize they were too close to the truth.
"Why not?" He asked.
"Because it wouldn't have." I said lamely.
"Don't give me that Lorelei, just don't do it. I can take your rejection but don't patronize me. I'm not a little kid, you don't have to look out for my feelings." He said sharply.
"Why did you have to kiss me?" I asked, an accusatory note in my voice, although I knew all to well emotions that he had been feeling. They could drive you to much greater madness then a mere kiss.
"Because I love you." He sounded so defeated I wanted to die. And in that instant I gave up my last strain of sanity with the realization that if I loved him I would have to let him go. Harmony would ruin our lives together, she was more cunning then I could ever know and I would never outsmart her unless I invoked love, something she didn't understand.
So I swallowed my pride and my reason and did the most painful thing I could. I had never been a good liar before but now the silver ill truths slid off my forked tongue with ease and Alex believed me. Perhaps because what I was saying was so crazy it was hard to believe I had made it up.
Remorseful sounding sentiments about how if we couldn't be friends I would appreciate him staying away from me resounded about the room. He nodded thought my whole speech and didn't cry once but when I had run out things he stood up. "I understand, you won't have to see me anymore. I shall be returning to my home tomorrow." He said with a sad smile as he showed me to the door. "I will never stop loving you." He promised just before it shut and I think I saw a tear run down his cheek but he turned away to quickly for me to be sure.
I returned to my room and cried away the afternoon knowing I would never be the same again.
It was three years before I saw Alex again and I had changed vastly from the shy eighteen year old I had been when we last met. I was a little taller and I was a little more comfortable in my body, less clumsy for sure. But the biggest change was my attitude, I was still shy and quiet but I was more assertive.
Harmony married a duke and moved out of the house but not out of our lives, as a dutiful daughter she visited or invited us over for dinner frequently. But I had moved out of her sway, I had gathered up enough bravery (or possibly temerity) to begin refusing to do her bidding. She made life miserable for me for a good part of six months but I proved more stubborn and she gave up.
Ethan still bothered me periodically but I wasn't as scared of him as I had been, my monsters were fast disappearing and I was maturing. Father had given up any semblance of control over me or hopes of marriage so I was pretty much allowed to run rampant and make my own choices. And that's exactly what I did.
It's funny, but courage seems to manifest itself in the strangest ways and giving up Alex made me stronger. With every tear that I shed I became more and more resolved not to let anyone control me like Harmony had ever again. Stupid, you might think, that now that I was no longer under Harmony's thumb I should just write him and explain but it wasn't that simple. I was to scared that he would already have moved on with his life and I had hurt him badly, I wasn't sure he would want to hear from me, even if the letter was just a friendly hello.
All things considered I was happier person, more true to my own self, for sure. But it had come to late, I thought, I had destroyed any hope of a relationship with Alex beyond repair and that thought haunted me. Matthew and I talked about it sometimes and eventually he guessed my motivations. In his opinion I had royally messed up, but he passed no judgment on me, only my decision.
He went to visit Alex in Kyria annually and wrote him a lot (encouraging me to do the same), but it was too painful. I couldn't even wear the ice skates Alex gave me so they, like my memories sat in the back of my closet and I just watched Matthew whirl on the ice alone.
I had collected all the things that reminded me of Alex a few weeks after his departure and stuffed them into the back of my closet in a hat box. But sometimes on gorgeous spring mornings, when I missed him the most I would sneak in to my closet to open the box, brushing off the layers of dust, half relieved to find that the pain was as sharp as ever. It wasn't healthy, I knew, but I couldn't help myself.
But I never thought I would ever see him again so I was shocked when Matthew invited me on his trip up to Kyria one year. I stared at him for a few moment. "What?" I asked finally.
"Would you like to go with my to Kryia next week?" He repeated.
I blinked. "I don't know." I said finally, my mind in turmoil. I certainly didn't want to spend the two weeks at my family's house but seeing Alex again might just snap me. "I guess so." I added. "Do you think I should?"
"I think you should, maybe you can get some closure from seeing him again." Matthew suggested.
I nodded. "Yes I guess I'd like to go." But closure was the last thing on my mind, I knew it was impossible, I was just too much in love with Alex for that kind of thing. But to see him, be near him, maybe even win back his friendship was just to inciting. I knew I was just going to get my heart broken again in the back of my head but I was lost already in fantasies.
AN: I am such a bad person, this is so short but I promise the next chapter will be great. It would be so cool if I could get 200 reviews by the next chapter but that might be unrealistic. I've decided just to send a general answer to all my lovely reviewers: Thank you guys so much, you're the best! Yeah I know I'm a bad person for dragging this out and not posting for so long but I'm working on it!! Anyway till next time keep clicking that review button!!!