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The Warrior and the Elf Omake

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This had been going to be part of the bonus chapter for Elven Rites, but then it got out of hand, and now . . . well, it's going here, and Elven Rites is way behind. But don't worry, I will finish it one day!

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Parn and Deedlit: Welcome to the Forest of Light! And now what you've all been waiting for: the second part!

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Sketch One: Etoh Tries to Drop a Hint

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(Scene: Parn and Etoh in the palace at Valis.)

Etoh: Parn, Deed is very, very sick. You must take very good care of her.

Parn: Okay.

Etoh: Deed is VERY, VERY sick.

Parn: Yes, you said that.

Etoh: Deed is *VERY,* *VERY* sick.

Parn: And . . . .

Etoh: I'm not saying that she's going to die . . . .

Parn: That's good!

Etoh: But I'm *not* saying that she isn't.

Parn: Huh?

Etoh: (slowly) I'm not saying that Deed's not going to die. Get it now?

Deed: (entering) I told you not to tell him! (pounding Etoh)

Parn: Huh? I don't get it.

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Sketch Two: Etoh Tries to Drop Another Hint

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Etoh: So, Parn, how are things going with you and Deed? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, know-what-I-mean, know-what-I-mean?

Parn: Oh, everything's okay I guess. Except for Deed being sick.

Etoh: I mean: how are the two of you getting on?

Parn: Well, I'm getting on pretty well, but Deed's sick. You already know that.

Etoh: Yes, but are the two of you happy travelling together?

Parn: Of course, we are. If we weren't, we wouldn't travel together.

Etoh: Well, I know that . . . Do you like Deed, Parn?

Parn: Of course, I like Deed. If I didn't, I wouldn't travel with her.

Etoh: (getting fed up) Ugh! Parn, are you in love with her or not! And if not, why haven't you told her already! It's been ten years! I expect she's getting a little antsy?

Parn: Ants? Why are we talking about ants?

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Sketch Three: Slight Misunderstanding

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(in the background)

Etoh: Parn, you are so clueless! Why can't you understand what I'm trying to tell you?

(in the foreground)

Shiris: What is all that about?

Orson: I think Etoh just told Parn he was in love with him.

Shiris: Oooh. I wanna watch.

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Sketch Four: Meeting the Parents

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(Deed's house in the Forest of Light)

Deed: Mother, Father, this is Parn. Parn, these are my parents.

Karoth: Ah! My little girl is all grown-up with a boyfriend of her own! I'm so proud!

Deed: Daddy, you're embarassing me.

Parn: What's a boyfriend?

Seralin: So, Deed, is he any good?

Deed: Um . . . Mother . . . (turns red and spontaneously combusts)

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Sketch Five: The Real Reason Parn Was Eager to Meet Deirolya

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Karoth: And here's one of Deedlit at her fourth birthday.

Seralin: Look at the way her diaper's falling off!

Karoth: And here's one of Deedlit at the beach.

Seralin: She was so cute at that age! I remember that trip to the beach. Deedlit was making a sand castle and . . . .

(Time passes.)

Seralin: . . . and then of course there was the time when . . . .

(Time passes.)

Deed: (glaring at her mother) You're embarassing me!

Seralin: You always were so easily embarassed. I remember the time when you and Melinar . . . .

Melinar: Oh, Mom, not again! Hey, Parn, want to go talk to the creepiest elven lady ever?

(Deedlit glares at Parn making it clear that if he doesn't go, she'll wallop him.)

Parn: I'll go, I'll go! Please don't hit me, Deed!

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Sketch Six: The Truth About Deirolya Is Revealed

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Parn: So . . . why do you wear the creepy cowl

Deirolya: It's an old elven tradition.

Parn: Heh. You aren't fooling me! You're really ugly under that hood, aren't you?

Deirolya: I am *not* ugly!

Parn: Ugly face, ugly face! Deirolya's got an ugly face!

Deirolya: I do not!

Parn: Prove it!

(Deirolya removes her cowl.)

Parn: Ahhhhhh! Karla!

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Sketch Seven: The Elves Are in Great Peril

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Karla: Parn, the elves are in great peril.

Parn: Yes . . . .

Karla: Parn! The elves are in great peril!

Parn: Yes.

Karla: I said the elves are in great peril!

Parn: Yes.

Karla: Parn, put the happy meal toys away and pay attention! The elves are in great peril!

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Sketch Eight: I Wanna Be a Man

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Karla: Parn, there's something I need you to do for me.

Parn: What?

Karla: Parn, I need your body.

Parn: Ewwwwww!

Karla: No, not like that, Parn.

Parn: Karla . . . it's okay. I understand. It's why you took Woodchuck's body. You're a cross-dresser!

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Sketch Nine: Karla Heals the Forest

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Karla: (in Parn's body, over a big creepy cauldron) And I'll add a bit of this, and a bit of that. I'll have things all better in a jiffy! (ladles some of a bright green liquid out of a bottle labelled Nyquil.)

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Sketch Ten: Karla's Flight

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(Karla in Parn's body, running across the screen. Deedlit and Melinar, running across the screen. Repeat five or six times.)

Karla: This would work better if I didn't keep changing directions.

Little Parn (from position on her shoulder): Even *I* could have told you that!

Deedlit: Quick, Melinar! She's stopped for a monologue! We're almost caught up!

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Sketch Eleven: Karla's Defeat

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Karla: Bwahahahahahahahahaha! I have Parn's body, so you can't kill me!

Deedlit: Give him back!

Karla: No!

Deedlit: Yes!

Karla: No!

Deedlit: Yes.

Karla: No.

Deedlit: Yes.

Melinar: This is boring . . . . Can you just take my body and leave, so Deedlit will shut up?

Karla: Okay.

Deedlit: No!

Karla: Yes!

Deedlit: No!

Karla: Yes.

Deedlit: Okay.

(Karla is about to put the circlet on Melinar.)

Deedlit: (quietly) Mom's gonna kill me. (thought bubble of Mom's reaction to her baby being posessed) Unless-

Karla: Ahhhhhhhh! (drops the circlet) Yuck!

Deedlit: I thought that might happen . . . . (retrieving the circlet)

Melinar: Huh? What happened?

Deedlit: Even Karla was not proof against . . . my little brother's B.O.

Melinar: Deedlit! You didn't have to say it where everyone could hear!

Deedlit: Go take a bath, brat!

Melinar: No!

Deedlit: Yes.

Melinar: Noooooooooo!

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Sketch Twelve: The Happy Ending

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Deedlit: Parn . . . .

Parn: Deed . . . .

Deedlit: Let's never agree to be in one of Lady Belegwen's chibi-fics again, okay?

Parn: I agree with you one thousand percent, Deed!

Deedlit: Parn, there's no such thing as a thousand percent!

Parn: Yes, there is.

Deedlit: Is not!

Parn: Is so!

(Eneter Lady Belegwen Lightningblade. She is a short half-elf with a braid of long red hair and grey-green eyes behind a pair of glasses.)

Belegwen: Um, guys . . . the script says you're supposed to kiss here.

Deedlit: No, it doesn't!

Belegwen: I'm not going to play that game. It has been added to the script in the hopes of improving our ratings. I desperately want reviews.

Deedlit: You mercenary.

Belegwen: Yup! (v-sign)

Parn: I don't mind if you don't, Deed.

Deedlit: It's the principle of the thing1

Belegwen: You mean you don't *want* to kiss Parn?

Deedlit: No! But I don't want my first kiss to be in a pathetic little chibi theater!

Belegwen: This isn't your first kiss. What about -?

Deedlit: Shut up!

Belegwen: Not unless you kiss Parn.

(Deedlit shuts up and kisses Parn. Fade-out.)

We'll be seeing you!