Chapter Seven:
Queen of Hearts
*On the Enterprise...*
Picard: I can't open the gateways again, that's a violation of the treaty! *muttering* And I don't want the slut home...
Chakotay: That's probably the only way to get the Captain and Lance back home...
Seven: They're gone, Commander. Maybe we could enlist the help of q and Amanda Rogers...
Picard: The Q continuum are restraining them pending the disappearance of Q...Q's missing too, you know.
*In the fairy world...*
Tom: Well, we could always have more fun, you know!
Harry: Yeah...how about taking that Q's powers away?
Tom: You got it...
*Meanwhile...*
Q: What the f-ck-my powers are gone! *snaps*
Janeway: You're kidding.
Fairy Queen: Wait till I get my hands on Tom and Harry...
Janeway: Hey, they're like that on Voyager too, the Tom and Harry there.
Fairy Queen: Really? Wow, you should tell me your secret...
Ice Queen: We should concentrate on getting home, not sharing beauty secrets.
Fairy Queen: Yeah...maybe we could open a wormhole into the future, and dump Captain Janeway there.
Ice Queen: Hello, our magic's gone...
Fairy Queen: Oh...
Janeway *picking up the scepter*: Hey, I can fix it! It's just a machine to focus energy in. *gets tools out from some unknown place*
Ice Queen: Wow...if she was a queen, she would be a great ruler.
Fairy Queen: Stupid, she is the queen of her own ship! And maybe the Delta Quadrant...
Janeway: All done!
Q: What about me, Kathy? Can you fix me??
Janeway *looking at Q*: Well, if I could I would, but you're Q, and I just don't know...
Q *with puppy eyes*: Please with coffee on top...
Janeway: Okay Q, so how do I fix you?
Q: Oh, I'll just show you...*grinning*
*Meanwhile on Enterprise...*
Picard: Now I'll be admiral...*laughs then farts* Shit.
*doors swish open*
Data: Captain, sir, there's a wormhole opening in front of us.
Picard: If Captain Janeway comes through it, shoot.
Data: But Captain-
Picard: She's just a dirty slut who's gotten her way up by having sex with the Admirals. Understood?
Data: Sir-
Picard: That's an order!
Data: Yes, sir! *leaves*
Picard: Now, now I'll have my revenge, Janeway! *laughs*
*Meanwhile...*
Fairy Queen: We're in space!
Q: Yeay! *snaps*
Janeway: Voyager, yeay! *sits in Captain's chair*
Fairy Queen: What a nice ship!
Ice Queen: Yeah...wow.
Janeway: So, ladies, what are you going to do?
Ice Queen: Go back! *raises scepter*
Fairy Queen: Yeah! *raises scepter*
*flash of light*
Ice Queen: Fin-HUH?
Fairy Queen: Get-WHAT?
*both tap the scepters*
Janeway: Oh dear, I think-Wait a minute, where's my coffee cup? *runs through the decks* AHHHH....shit, my coffee cup's gone!
*outside*
q: Goddammit, I forgot her cup, but I can't get it now...shit....
Amanda: Can't you just get it from another time period?
q: Life doesn't work that way.
*Ten Forward...*
Picard: Here's to *hic* the Federation victory over the Dominion...*hic*
Chakotay: Here's to unity! *hic*
Lance: Here's to love lost *hic hic hic*
Tom: Here's to anything we *hic hic* drunks forgot *hic*
Riker: Here's to Captain Janeway, my lost love...*hic*
Lance: Hey, she was *hic* my lost love!
Chakotay: *hic* I was her boyfriend!
*they start fighting*
Guinan *at the ladies table*: I don't think those drinks did them any good.
Seven: Affirmative.
Troi: I'm dragging Will to bed again, anybody want to join me?
Crusher: I'll get Picard.
B'Elanna: I'll get Tom
Seven: I'll get Harry.
*Enterprise rocks*
Seven: What the hell?
*On Voyager...*
Fairy Queen: I dare you to touch that button!
Ice Queen: Well, all right...*pushes button*
Janeway: Oh dear, oh dear, I'm late I'm-hey, don't push that button!
*Voyager fires phasers at DS9*
Janeway: AHHHH! You imbeciles, that's our outpost!
*Enterprise*
Picard *sober and on bridge*: Fire at Voyager!
Chakotay: That's stupid! My girlfriend's on there!
Picard: Well, too bad, Tattoo Boy.
Chakotay: Why you damn bastard! *Punches him in the stomach* All you want is harm to Kathryn, and I won't let you do anything for that!
Picard: Damn. *falls*
Chakotay: Beam them out!
*Meanwhile...*
Tom: Hey, why don't we send them all to the Pokémon world?
Harry: Cool...but won't-
Tom: Her magic's like ours, but the scepter just increases them. Anyway, we have the real one, right? Hehe....
*Flash of light...*
Janeway: Don't touch that-HELL, what is this place?
Ash: Damn, Janeway, what are you doing in that hole?
Janeway: Ash, Lorelei, DJ Mary? Oh no...
Chakotay: Hey, Diglett! *picks one up* Ow!
*gets hit by a mud slap*
Tom (real Tom): Wow...
Harry: Yeah, wow! It's better than the hologram!
Fairy Queen: Damn those bastards, this is a fake scepter! We'll never get home!
Picard *in a fake cheerful voice*: Hey, Kathryn, what's up? *muttering* that slut...
Janeway *ditto*: Oh, nothing, Jean-Luc...*muttering* that pimp...
Q: Hello, Captains, what's up?
Janeway: Hello, Q...
Picard: Mon Dieu, it's Q! Hey, that rhymes...*giggles*
Janeway: Picard, shut up with the French, okay? Some people here don't understand what the hell you're saying.
Picard: Hey, no one asked you to be the bitchy one today!
Janeway: Well, no one asked a French person with a British accent to be a f-cked up captain!
Picard: Yeah?
Janeway: Yeah! *slaps him*
Picard: Ow! *punches her*
Janeway: Bastard! *kicks him*
Picard: Bitch!
*start fighting on the ground*
Ice Queen: Anybody have some popcorn around?
Fairy Queen: Hey, stop it, stop!
Chakotay: Give him what he deserves, Kathryn!
Crusher: Fight to the finish, Jean-Luc!
Chakotay: Hey, don't make him kill Kathryn! *grabs Crusher's collar*
Crusher: Well, you're making Kathryn kill Picard, Marquis!
*both fight*
Tom: Damn...It's so tight!
Lance *drooling*: So, Ice Queen, what's your real name?
Ice Queen: Kate.
Lance *drooling again*: So, want to go out with me?
Ice Queen: Sure... *takes Lance's hand*
Lorelei *seething* Oooh...Hey, he's my man, Kate!
Ice Queen: Really? Well, I'm a better mate for him than you-
*Lorelei tackles her and punches and kicks her*
Ice Queen: Ow, that's the hem of my dress, missy!
Lorelei: What is it to you? *laughs*
Ice Queen: Why you...
**************************
How will they ever get out of the hole that Team Rocket has abandoned? And how will they get home?
And what will Chakotay say when he finds out that Kathryn has been cheating on him?
*On Enterprise*
Admiral Paris: Computer, where are the senior crew members?
Computer: Off the ship.
Paris: Specify.
Computer: Off the ship!
Paris: Where off the ship, dammit!?
Computer: I don't know! Sheesh, you're deaf!
Paris: Why you-
Ensign Red Shirt: Sir, I found this in Ten Forward.
Paris: Damn, that's Kathryn's coffee cup! Where is she, anyway?
*phaser fire shoots the Ensign dead*
Borg: We are the Borg. Resistance is futile.
Paris: Uh-oh...