A/N - I was thinking about a certain song recently because I was feeling blue - Sarah McLaughlan's I Will Remember You - and it was like I'd been hit with a grand piano - this song would be perfect for a Sirius angst fic. And you can already tell I like writing those! So I plotted it out and here it is. It's a one-shot fic, and I don't think it turned out too bad. Purists please note I changed the song lyrics just a tiny bit and left out one or two lines here and there because they didn't fit with the story.
Disclaimer - I own nothing. JK refuses to hand over the Marauders. Must kidnap them, in that case. Most definitely. And I don't own any of Sarah McLaughlan's songs, which is too bad, but I'm not Sarah McLaughlan. What can a girl do?
*~*~*~*
I Will Remember You
"Come on, you can do better that that!"
His last earthly words hung ringing in his ears. Yet again, he relived the terror, the numbness, as he'd fallen through the veil, its cold black material whispering across his skin. And then - darkness.
Sirius woke, wondering why he had chosen to fall asleep on cold stone. Then he remembered. And with memory, came the pain.
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
That last battle, the duel - again he heard Bellatrix's shrill, triumphant scream, Harry's scream of horror as the veil had taken him through.
Through - but, through to where?
Sirius looked around, taking in the details consciously for the first time. Grey stone beneath him. Grey stone around him. It was dark, musty, and cold. The only window in the small room was barred.
Oh, sweet Merlin - no!
He was back in his cell in Azkaban.
What was he doing here? Sirius distinctly remembered several years in the free world outside this horrible place. Meeting Harry for the first time since he was a baby. Meeting Remus again. Having that traitor Wormtail in his grasp and having him escape. Rebanding the Order of the Phoenix. It couldn't have been all a dream?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories.
No, it hadn't been a dream. He'd never dreamed of a life like that while he was really in Azkaban, just horror and guilt. This all had to be some horrid joke, some last irony that the fates hadn't been able to resist.
Sirius strode over to his cell door and rattled at the lock. Surprisingly, it fell open easily. Cautiously Sirius peered out. Seeing nothing out of the ordinary, just a normal cell corridor, he walked into the open.
And the next thing he knew he was in James' living room.
"What the -" Sirius swore in astonishment.
"Hello, Padfoot old friend," came James' amused voice from behind him. "Long time no see. You done something new with your hair?"
Sirius whirled around, his jaw practically hitting the floor. "James?" he croaked. He had to be dead. There was no other possible explanation.
However, he didn't let this stop him from flinging his arms about his best friend and giving James a hug that nearly cracked his ribs.
"Ow!" complained James.
"Is that all you can say? 'Ow?' 'Ow,' to your best friend whom you last saw nearly fifteen years ago?" Sirius pretended to be insulted. "Prongs, you sure remember how to annoy a person."
"I missed you too," James grinned.
"Yeah, same here." Sirius scrubbed at his eyes.
Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad.
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun...
"Did you say fifteen years?" James frowned. "That doesn't seem so very long."
"Yeah, well, I kinda managed to get myself killed in a duel with my dear cousin Bellatrix a few moments ago," Sirius replied.
"Why on earth -"
"Voldemort's back."
"He was gone before?" His friend was thoroughly bewildered.
Sirius shook his head disparagingly. "You'd think that, being dead, you'd have the advantage of knowing what's going on in the world of the living. Earth to Prongs. The night you and Lily died was a night the world will never forget. When Lily sacrificed herself for Harry, he was able to rebound the death curse Voldemort attempted to use on him. Naturally, that didn't do our favourite Dark Lord much good. For fourteen years Voldemort's been trying to come back to power. He's been foiled every time by your kid."
James looked impressed. "My son has taken on Voldemort and lived?"
"More than once."
James whistled. "Wait'll Lily hears that."
"He's a good kid," Sirius said proudly.
"Hey, I never asked. Did you get in any trouble with that Secret-Keeper business?"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Did I get in trouble, he asks? Did I? Twelve years in Azkaban."
"You're joking."
"They thought I was guilty."
"They thought wrong. So did they finally realize their mistake?"
"No, I broke out. I was planning to kill Peter for what he'd done, but Harry stopped me and Remus from doing it once he stopped believing that I was a criminal and his Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher was a dangerous werewolf."
"Whaaa-"
"Long story," Sirius clarified.
"We've got the time," shrugged James.
And Sirius remembered: they certainly did. They had all eternity.
I will remember you,
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by,
Weep not for the memories.
*~*~*~*
Harry lay awake in his bed in Privet Drive. Moonlight streamed in through the window. Harry was not sleeping. He could not sleep. It had been nearly a month since his godfather had gone beyond the veil. Nearly a month - and it still felt like yesterday.
I'm so tired but I can't sleep,
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep.
It's funny how we feel so much, but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard.
His dreams were tormented by myriads of images now - graveyard - veil - that long passage in the Department of Mysteries still haunted him - the look on Sirius' face as he'd fallen through the veil - Sirius giving him the one-armed hug at Christmas, saying, Look after yourself, Harry...
And what about you? he thought miserably. Look after yourself, why don't you? You didn't, and now what?
Harry found his face wet with tears again. He was still so hollow inside from the loss, but no one understood. No one could understand, except maybe Lupin, but Harry hadn't seen him since that day they'd parted at the train station. He missed Sirius so much...
He stayed awake a long time, holding onto the few memories he had of Sirius. They were all he had left now.
Weep not for the memories...
*~*~*~*
It was hard for Sirius to get used to the idea that he would not see anyone he'd left behind for a long time yet. He raged at the thought of leaving Remus alone in the world, this time for real. He stormed at the thought of missing the rest of Harry's years growing up. Harry, who was neither friend nor son nor brother - he was something in between all three.
I was so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose.
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose.
Sirius had James back, and Lily - and that was wonderful, it was the best thing that had happened to him in a very long time. But he missed Harry a lot. He missed Remus and his quiet, calm ways. He missed being in the midst of things. Sure, things happened in the world beyond the veil - Sirius was still learning the tricks and vagaries behind it - but really, it was no replacement for the world of the living, where he'd left people he cared about behind. He was starting to get a dim appreciation of how horrible it must have been for James and Lily all those years, waiting for the others to come at last.
There was so much the three were missing out on - but there was nothing they could do but wait. No one had a fixed idea of how time passed in this strange world - time didn't really matter much. Time was for the living, not the dead. But Sirius was under the impression that a great deal of time was passing very swiftly, and he was helpless against its flow. And Harry was growing, living, suffering and rejoicing in a world where he no longer had any part.
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night,
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light.
His life had been so hopeless before Harry had come into it. There was something about the boy - something that gave him hope where there had been none before, light where before there had been brooding darkness. And he had sensed that in turn he had given some of the same to Harry.
Sirius wished he was still living. He wished he could be in the middle of it all again. Not that he didn't like being reunited with James and Lily. But still - he didn't like being parted from any of his friends. And memories weren't enough to satisfy him - but they might have to be.
I will remember you,
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by,
Weep not for the memories.
*~*~*~*
Something about the night made Remus feel restless. There were voices in it, voices that wouldn't let him sleep. He paced anxiously about his small flat, pausing every now and then to stare out the window at the moonlit night. Full moon wasn't for a week yet, thank goodness. And he still remembered the time when he had almost looked forward to full moons.
And with that thought, Remus was again tumbling off into a sea of memories. Memories seemed to be all he had left these days. He knew it wasn't good to keep reliving the past, but he couldn't seem to help himself. Two of his dearest friends were dead now, the other a traitor. Memories were all he had left now. He was being foolish, but he couldn't stop. All he could do was remember -
- mischief under the midnight moon - laughter as they made Slytherin after Slytherin look foolish - close calls - near misses - detention, lots of those - they'd stuck together through thick and thin...
I'm not going to cry...I won't... But it was hard not to. Sometimes the stress of living just seemed to become too much, especially now.
It's funny how we feel so much, but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard.
The world was getting darker and darker. Voldemort was rising, there was little to stop him. Even the Muggles were aware of him now - there were funny deaths and disappearances more commonly now, and Remus felt physically sick at all the evil in the world. But he would fight it - he would fight it until his last breath. Only it was harder now that he was so much more alone...
Alone or not, Remus knew his dead friends would want him to continue on. And so he would. But he would never forget them - never.
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by,
Weep not for the memories.
*~*~*~*
Harry too was pacing. Pacing, and thinking, and trying to rid himself of guilt yet again. Every time he tried to sleep, the memories of what had happened that fateful night in the Department of Mysteries welled up again; he only slept when he became so exhausted that he could no longer resist. And still he dreamt. He dreamt less often now, but he still got snatches of visions from Voldemort. And he still dreamt of the horrors he had seen.
I should write Lupin. He's the only one who really understands. But somehow Harry couldn't see himself finding the right words to phrase a letter to Lupin without feeling silly and childish. He too knew he shouldn't waste his life on remembering the useless past - dead was dead, gone was gone, and he had better think of ways to defend himself from Voldemort when the time came. But it was hard. He didn't want to forget. He was afraid of losing Sirius completely if he let himself continue his life. But what else could he do? Dwelling on the past would not do. Dwelling on the past would never do.
"Sirius," he said softly, aloud, as though his godfather could still hear him. "You gave me strength in times when I had little of my own. You reminded me of all the innocence that would be lost if Voldemort succeeded. I won't let that happen. I will remember you, you and my parents, you and all the people murdered by Voldemort. I miss you Sirius. One day we'll be back together again, and until then I will treasure your memory in my heart. I will always remember you."
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by,
Weep not for the memories.
*~*~*~*
Beyond the Veil, Sirius was pacing as well. He closed his eyes, struggling within himself to give up all longing for the world of the living. Finally, with a wrench, he made himself realize that one day they would be back together again, this time for eternity. A few years wasn't long to wait. Not in a place where time had no meaning.
As though they could hear him, he whispered, "Farewell friends. I've left you, but you will carry on. I'll never forget you. Farewell, Remus. We'll meet again." He paused, opened his eyes. "Farewell, Harry," he said, then turned and walked away.
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by,
Weep not for the memories.
Weep not for the memories....
*~*~*~*