(Ed Note - Summary: This a conversation between the two people most responsible for Harm's departure from JAG. It's my latest attempt to capture Mac's feelings. Harm? Well, his feelings are pretty obvious. He's just pissed. Duuhhh.)
'Benzinger's on a Monday night at 9 pm was not a busy place. Guess the office crowd goes home early,' thought AJ Chegwidden.
He pushed the ornate, glass door inward and walked through. He scanned the tables and saw her sitting at a booth in the corner, staring out the window at the empty street. The summer's night was just starting to creep inward from the open windows.
He walked over and put a gentle hand on her shoulder. She looked up at him with brown eyes and a resigned expression. She sighed. One eyebrow went up and half a smile appeared on her face.
"Admiral," Lieutenant Colonel Sarah Mackenzie acknowledged.
"Colonel," he said and winced internally. How formal. In situations like this he usually tried to address his staff by their first name. But unfortunately lately, he found that simple bit of intimacy harder and harder to do. It was just another additional example of his growing isolation at work.
He noticed that her forearms were propped on the table in front of her and she was slowly twirling a plastic drink menu around in her hands. She had been here for a while. But there was no usual glass of soda and lime in front of her.
"Everything okay?" he started. He watched the bartender weaved through the tables in the empty bar towards them.
She focused on the menu in her outstretched arms. "Of course. What possibly could be wrong?"
"Two Perrier's with lime," he told the waiter. To her he said, "Not even the fact that Rabb quit JAG and the Navy?"
He watched she flared. "Quit, yeah. Feels like he was forced out!" She said heatedly. She raised her eyes to him and for a brief instance he saw something he had never seen before. Betrayal.
Then suddenly, like the air going out of a balloon, her dark eyes went dull. Defeated. "I'm sorry Admiral. I was just lecturing myself on responsibility. Quit blaming this on someone else. So I guess that includes you." She went back to twirling the multi-colored menu. AJ could see pictures of Margarita's and highballs decorating the cover.
"Mac," said the Admiral. "You've shouldered your share of responsibility. I'm not questioning it."
This new smile had a miniscule amount of warmth in it.
"Thanks," she said. "I appreciate you saying that. But upon introspection, I've discovered that there is one area of my life that is not true."
"Rabb?" he asked quietly.
She huffed out a breath of air. "Who else?"
AJ said, "He's had a big influence on JAG over the years. So I guess it's natural we will feel a little unsettled."
"Yeah, unsettled," said Mac.
They were both silent for a minute. Then AJ spoke. "For what it's worth Mac, I've always thought the man was an idiot when it came to you."
She cocked her head and looked directly at him. "You know admiral, for the last six or so years I was certain he was the idiot and I knew exactly what was going on. But now I'm not so sure. Maybe it turns out he was the right one after all."
"And what exactly was he right with?" said AJ.
She ignored him. "He told me once that he never wanted to lose me as a friend. At the time, I thought he just didn't want to make a commitment. But now I wonder if he understood me better than I thought."
"What did he understand?"
"That crossing the metaphoric line meant this."
"Meant what?"
She closed her eyes. "He hates me," she said.
'Whoof,' he thought. 'That is a loaded statement. But was it wrong?' Chegwidden had seen evidence of that himself. Did Rabb hate her? Something in Paraguay had certainly caused a lot of bitterness. He shook his head. With everything that these two had been through over the last eight years, he thought there was nothing that could shake the foundation of their friendship. But something had.
"Someday you will have to tell me what happened in Paraguay," he said.
"Once I have it figured out, you'll be the first to know." Mac just sat there, with her eyes closed, head leaning against the leather back of the booth.
Chegwidden stopped and looked at her, wondering if he should continue. He decided to go on. "I wish I had the same leeway there was when you quit, Mac. But Lindsey's report put an end to that. Maybe he got the last laugh from Leavenworth after all. The suspicions raised by that damn document lingered."
He sighed. "I thought Paraguay would finally bring you two together. Somehow, it seemed like processing Harm's resignation might be a sort of beginning."
"Well, you were wrong. It's just made everything that much worse." With her head still against the leatherback, she looked at him.
Chegwidden sighed. "He caught me by surprised by his resignation. I can usually read that man like a book, but he blindsided me this time. I didn't expect that. I didn't know that he had spent the better part of the previous week, wheedling information about the op from anyone and everyone remotely connected."
Mac closed her eyes again and said flatly, "And that included Catherine Gale."
The admiral tightened his eyes as he studied her. "Mac... If this is about Catherine Gale, you've made a big mistake. I don't buy the fact that he now feels something for her."
"How can you say that? Blonde bimbos are his thing. This is just one more," she said, her voice heating up again. "He flaunted it in my face."
"It seems to me that you have flaunted a few in your time. For example, what is going on between you and Webb? Do you have feelings for him?"
"No!" she said vehemently. "Why does everyone assume that I do?"
"Calm down. Mac, I know what it's like to go through an experience like that. You grow close to people in ways you never thought possible. Vietnam was thirty years ago and I still feel closer to the men than even Meredith."
She was stock still, looking at him. "Maybe that's it," she whispered.
"What's it?" he said.
"Why I feel so confused about my feelings for Clay. I mean, I always liked the guy but never in that way. In a funny way, I thought I was better than him. His work was kind of sleazy. Now? I saw what he was made of. What he would go through for people in his unit. Bizarre as it may seem, he would have made a good marine." She looked stricken at the thought.
'God,' he thought to himself. 'This is more screwed up than I thought.'
"Can I ask you a question, admiral?" she said.
He sighed. "I guess it's too late for me to say I don't interfere in the private lives of my staff. Fire away."
"You told me that Harm's resignation came as a big surprise to you. Why?" she asked.
'Why indeed,' he thought. Out loud he said to her. "In the past, I was always pretty sure that you had feels for the commander. I saw your face when he dumped that F-14 into the Atlantic two years ago. Brumby knew it as well.
Harm was a different story. If he had any feelings for you, he hid them well. I mean, he was so placid over your decision to marry Brumby. So when you went missing in Paraguay, I knew I would have a fight with Harm but I never suspected he would quit over it. In retrospect, it was stupid of me."
"I guess you could say that you were surprised to learn he might have feelings for me, right?" she said.
"Yeah, actually. In some ways, it was a positive thing. In some sort of twisted, alternate universe kind of way, you two are suited for each other."
"He took me by surprise too. I just saw it as some jealous fit over Webb. Like he used to do to Brumby. He didn't want me but no one else could have me either."
"You're making him sound pretty childish, Mac. That isn't really worthy of you."
"With all due respect, sir, you've thought worse of Harm."
AJ snorted and shook his head. But he answered truthfully. "Yes, I have. And I was wrong every time."
They just sat in silence for a while. Finally, Mac spoke. "What now, sir?"
He looked ruefully at her. "I don't know, Colonel. Some of that you will have to answer yourself. You need to put this behind you. Sift through your feelings. But make no mistake. Harm is gone."
"This is worse than the last time he left. Then, he was still my friend. Not now. Maybe never again."
"Never is a long time," said the admiral.
"I guess," she said. "JAG will miss him."
He looked at her as he stood up to leave. "I suspect that there will be more than just JAG who will miss him." He looked at her pale face and the dark circles underneath her eyes.
Standing as well, she squared her shoulders. "You would probably be correct in that assessment, Admiral."
'Benzinger's on a Monday night at 9 pm was not a busy place. Guess the office crowd goes home early,' thought AJ Chegwidden.
He pushed the ornate, glass door inward and walked through. He scanned the tables and saw her sitting at a booth in the corner, staring out the window at the empty street. The summer's night was just starting to creep inward from the open windows.
He walked over and put a gentle hand on her shoulder. She looked up at him with brown eyes and a resigned expression. She sighed. One eyebrow went up and half a smile appeared on her face.
"Admiral," Lieutenant Colonel Sarah Mackenzie acknowledged.
"Colonel," he said and winced internally. How formal. In situations like this he usually tried to address his staff by their first name. But unfortunately lately, he found that simple bit of intimacy harder and harder to do. It was just another additional example of his growing isolation at work.
He noticed that her forearms were propped on the table in front of her and she was slowly twirling a plastic drink menu around in her hands. She had been here for a while. But there was no usual glass of soda and lime in front of her.
"Everything okay?" he started. He watched the bartender weaved through the tables in the empty bar towards them.
She focused on the menu in her outstretched arms. "Of course. What possibly could be wrong?"
"Two Perrier's with lime," he told the waiter. To her he said, "Not even the fact that Rabb quit JAG and the Navy?"
He watched she flared. "Quit, yeah. Feels like he was forced out!" She said heatedly. She raised her eyes to him and for a brief instance he saw something he had never seen before. Betrayal.
Then suddenly, like the air going out of a balloon, her dark eyes went dull. Defeated. "I'm sorry Admiral. I was just lecturing myself on responsibility. Quit blaming this on someone else. So I guess that includes you." She went back to twirling the multi-colored menu. AJ could see pictures of Margarita's and highballs decorating the cover.
"Mac," said the Admiral. "You've shouldered your share of responsibility. I'm not questioning it."
This new smile had a miniscule amount of warmth in it.
"Thanks," she said. "I appreciate you saying that. But upon introspection, I've discovered that there is one area of my life that is not true."
"Rabb?" he asked quietly.
She huffed out a breath of air. "Who else?"
AJ said, "He's had a big influence on JAG over the years. So I guess it's natural we will feel a little unsettled."
"Yeah, unsettled," said Mac.
They were both silent for a minute. Then AJ spoke. "For what it's worth Mac, I've always thought the man was an idiot when it came to you."
She cocked her head and looked directly at him. "You know admiral, for the last six or so years I was certain he was the idiot and I knew exactly what was going on. But now I'm not so sure. Maybe it turns out he was the right one after all."
"And what exactly was he right with?" said AJ.
She ignored him. "He told me once that he never wanted to lose me as a friend. At the time, I thought he just didn't want to make a commitment. But now I wonder if he understood me better than I thought."
"What did he understand?"
"That crossing the metaphoric line meant this."
"Meant what?"
She closed her eyes. "He hates me," she said.
'Whoof,' he thought. 'That is a loaded statement. But was it wrong?' Chegwidden had seen evidence of that himself. Did Rabb hate her? Something in Paraguay had certainly caused a lot of bitterness. He shook his head. With everything that these two had been through over the last eight years, he thought there was nothing that could shake the foundation of their friendship. But something had.
"Someday you will have to tell me what happened in Paraguay," he said.
"Once I have it figured out, you'll be the first to know." Mac just sat there, with her eyes closed, head leaning against the leather back of the booth.
Chegwidden stopped and looked at her, wondering if he should continue. He decided to go on. "I wish I had the same leeway there was when you quit, Mac. But Lindsey's report put an end to that. Maybe he got the last laugh from Leavenworth after all. The suspicions raised by that damn document lingered."
He sighed. "I thought Paraguay would finally bring you two together. Somehow, it seemed like processing Harm's resignation might be a sort of beginning."
"Well, you were wrong. It's just made everything that much worse." With her head still against the leatherback, she looked at him.
Chegwidden sighed. "He caught me by surprised by his resignation. I can usually read that man like a book, but he blindsided me this time. I didn't expect that. I didn't know that he had spent the better part of the previous week, wheedling information about the op from anyone and everyone remotely connected."
Mac closed her eyes again and said flatly, "And that included Catherine Gale."
The admiral tightened his eyes as he studied her. "Mac... If this is about Catherine Gale, you've made a big mistake. I don't buy the fact that he now feels something for her."
"How can you say that? Blonde bimbos are his thing. This is just one more," she said, her voice heating up again. "He flaunted it in my face."
"It seems to me that you have flaunted a few in your time. For example, what is going on between you and Webb? Do you have feelings for him?"
"No!" she said vehemently. "Why does everyone assume that I do?"
"Calm down. Mac, I know what it's like to go through an experience like that. You grow close to people in ways you never thought possible. Vietnam was thirty years ago and I still feel closer to the men than even Meredith."
She was stock still, looking at him. "Maybe that's it," she whispered.
"What's it?" he said.
"Why I feel so confused about my feelings for Clay. I mean, I always liked the guy but never in that way. In a funny way, I thought I was better than him. His work was kind of sleazy. Now? I saw what he was made of. What he would go through for people in his unit. Bizarre as it may seem, he would have made a good marine." She looked stricken at the thought.
'God,' he thought to himself. 'This is more screwed up than I thought.'
"Can I ask you a question, admiral?" she said.
He sighed. "I guess it's too late for me to say I don't interfere in the private lives of my staff. Fire away."
"You told me that Harm's resignation came as a big surprise to you. Why?" she asked.
'Why indeed,' he thought. Out loud he said to her. "In the past, I was always pretty sure that you had feels for the commander. I saw your face when he dumped that F-14 into the Atlantic two years ago. Brumby knew it as well.
Harm was a different story. If he had any feelings for you, he hid them well. I mean, he was so placid over your decision to marry Brumby. So when you went missing in Paraguay, I knew I would have a fight with Harm but I never suspected he would quit over it. In retrospect, it was stupid of me."
"I guess you could say that you were surprised to learn he might have feelings for me, right?" she said.
"Yeah, actually. In some ways, it was a positive thing. In some sort of twisted, alternate universe kind of way, you two are suited for each other."
"He took me by surprise too. I just saw it as some jealous fit over Webb. Like he used to do to Brumby. He didn't want me but no one else could have me either."
"You're making him sound pretty childish, Mac. That isn't really worthy of you."
"With all due respect, sir, you've thought worse of Harm."
AJ snorted and shook his head. But he answered truthfully. "Yes, I have. And I was wrong every time."
They just sat in silence for a while. Finally, Mac spoke. "What now, sir?"
He looked ruefully at her. "I don't know, Colonel. Some of that you will have to answer yourself. You need to put this behind you. Sift through your feelings. But make no mistake. Harm is gone."
"This is worse than the last time he left. Then, he was still my friend. Not now. Maybe never again."
"Never is a long time," said the admiral.
"I guess," she said. "JAG will miss him."
He looked at her as he stood up to leave. "I suspect that there will be more than just JAG who will miss him." He looked at her pale face and the dark circles underneath her eyes.
Standing as well, she squared her shoulders. "You would probably be correct in that assessment, Admiral."