Title: Afraid IV
Author: Nan
Rating: PG-13
Classification: vignette, Harm/Mac
Spoilers: Secret Agent Man
Summary: The enigmatic relationship between Harm and Mac continues. What was Mac thinking when Bud was talking about Harm in that scene in Secret Agent Man?
Shut up, Bud. Can't you see I don't want to talk about this? Harm, Harm, Harm. It seems like everyone in the office just wants to talk about Harm. What is he doing? Why haven't we heard from him? Enough, people. I don't know. I haven't heard from him either. Quit asking me.
It's bad enough I have to filter through these old case files of his. Everywhere I look, every sentence I read brings back memories of Harm. Harm, Harm, Harm. Why did I mention that ancient gun incident and the bullet in the courtroom roof to Bud? What does that have to do with anything?
Maybe it was because I was just thinking about that case. Reviews will do that to you. In hindsight, you get a fresh perspective. Soak a bit about how we all reacted.
That particular case was the first time that Harm and I really went at it. It was a set-to. Harm is target fixed at times. I remember the admiral saying that. And firing off that weapon in the courtroom was the first demonstration of how far he would go. I can still remember the look on the judge's face. And the admiral, he was livid. I'm surprised Harm managed to survive that. Most lawyers wouldn't.
Looking back now, I realize how successful I have been at getting under Harm's skin. It really has been easy for me. He has got such a hero complex. And he has this idealized view of the world. What is right and wrong. How old fashioned. And I always knew how to get him.
Bud, listen to me. Don't be like Harm. It gets you nowhere. The Navy doesn't want people like Harm. They want people like me. People who obey orders, right or wrong.
Bud, I wish I could tell you this. But it is classified. Down in Paraguay I didn't follow orders. I decided to go back for Gunny. Marine code thing. Big mistake. I was told not to. Webb knew it was wrong but because of me, he made a foolish gesture too. Look where that got Webb. He was viciously tortured. He can't even pick up a pen to write his name, now. And then I was almost tortured. And Harm quit the best job he will ever have just to rectify that mistake. Lots of people were killed. Just cause I didn't follow orders.
Hear me, Bud? Don't follow things like the marine code and friendship. Don't be like Harm.
It's funny that I have switched on how I look at Harm. At one time, I thought that Harm was guarded about his emotions. Never letting down his wall of perceived calm. I even told him that. It was on the Admiral's porch at my engagement party. His famous self control, never letting down his guard. Yada, yada, yada. Boy was I wrong. How could I ever have thought that Harm was not emotional? He is all emotion.
Take my wedding for example. Next thing I know, he was flying back through the thunderstorm of the century to get to Mic and my wedding. How stupid of him. Just because of a stupid promise. That wasn't self-control that was out-of-control. Why? Because I made a passing jibe in the elevator. I was a little nervous about the wedding and predictably I aimed it at Harm. We trade snarky remarks all of the time. Nothing is meant by it. If he didn't realize then, he was just being stupid.
I mean, I didn't even ask him to sit at the head table at the reception. 'Not enough room,' I think was the excuse I made. What kind of best friend is that? Tell me why anyone would fly through a storm and spend three hours in frigid water for a friend like that? I wouldn't. He should have known then. This friendship isn't worth it.
Look at the Friendly Fire case. I tried my best to get that 'decorated war hero' discredited. I had to. Harm was just so biased towards the pilot. My case depended on it. Then he gives me that file. The one with surveillance data that revealed the truth? Me, the dupe, loses the case because it's 'the right thing to do.' That was so stupid. I will never do that again. I'm never getting sucked into 'the right thing' again. The right thing is to look after me, Sarah Mackenzie.
Harm has always tried to do the right thing. Look where it got him, Bud. Taxi driver for the spooks. I win. He loses. Big time.
In Paraguay, I was right when I told Hamr that we both want to be on top. I mean, I really do want to be on top. And so does he. And now Harm is out of the way. Right? This is what I want. So it's time to be satisfied with a job well done. Harm is out of the way. I'm the most senior staff here. Sturgis is a lightweight. No one is standing between me and what I want.
Even the admiral sees it that way. I mean, he is just following orders too. Enough of this hero thing. We would be all stupid to sacrifice our careers and all that we have worked for just for a passing emotion like code and honor. The admiral and I are on the same wavelength. Go wrestle alligators, Harm, if you feel that way.
Is there anyway to shut Bud up? He is still talking about missing Harm. Be quiet. Get the hint, Bud. I really don't want to talk about this.
Bud, you talk like I'm his friend or something. Think about it. Would a supposed friend just go quietly back to work after the friend saved her life and sacrificed his career? No. A real friend would go to bat for him.
Would a friend leave a friend limply unconscious in a wrecked airplane to find a truck? Maybe if she was hysterical enough. But I'm a marine. I don't think hysterically. Right?
What kind of friend would criticize the manner in which he saved her life, as if it wasn't done exactly right, it wasn't worth doing at all. Jeez. How many times does this guy need to be walked on before he gets it? It isn't worth it, Harm. I'm no friend.
And what kind of friend is it that can't even thank the other? Bud, you have to understand this. I couldn't even bring myself to say two simple words to him. Thank you. 'Cause if I did show true gratitude, maybe then I would have to acknowledge that something special was done. And I can't go there right now. Someday maybe. In an alternate universe.
Bud, get it through your thick head. I am no friend of Harm's. Friendship was just this old-fashioned notion that we once had. A passing thing. I killed it. I put a bullet in it. Bud, please respect the dead.
Okay, maybe if I suggest Bud leave early. Will that work? There is the christening right? Then I can go through Harm's files myself. That will be hard enough. Hopefully, he doesn't decide to stay. That will drive me crazy. I can't handle that. The christening will be hard enough.
Go home, Bud. I can't talk about Harm. Maybe someday, fifty years from now, I can reminisce like you. Not now. Not for a long time.
Author: Nan
Rating: PG-13
Classification: vignette, Harm/Mac
Spoilers: Secret Agent Man
Summary: The enigmatic relationship between Harm and Mac continues. What was Mac thinking when Bud was talking about Harm in that scene in Secret Agent Man?
Shut up, Bud. Can't you see I don't want to talk about this? Harm, Harm, Harm. It seems like everyone in the office just wants to talk about Harm. What is he doing? Why haven't we heard from him? Enough, people. I don't know. I haven't heard from him either. Quit asking me.
It's bad enough I have to filter through these old case files of his. Everywhere I look, every sentence I read brings back memories of Harm. Harm, Harm, Harm. Why did I mention that ancient gun incident and the bullet in the courtroom roof to Bud? What does that have to do with anything?
Maybe it was because I was just thinking about that case. Reviews will do that to you. In hindsight, you get a fresh perspective. Soak a bit about how we all reacted.
That particular case was the first time that Harm and I really went at it. It was a set-to. Harm is target fixed at times. I remember the admiral saying that. And firing off that weapon in the courtroom was the first demonstration of how far he would go. I can still remember the look on the judge's face. And the admiral, he was livid. I'm surprised Harm managed to survive that. Most lawyers wouldn't.
Looking back now, I realize how successful I have been at getting under Harm's skin. It really has been easy for me. He has got such a hero complex. And he has this idealized view of the world. What is right and wrong. How old fashioned. And I always knew how to get him.
Bud, listen to me. Don't be like Harm. It gets you nowhere. The Navy doesn't want people like Harm. They want people like me. People who obey orders, right or wrong.
Bud, I wish I could tell you this. But it is classified. Down in Paraguay I didn't follow orders. I decided to go back for Gunny. Marine code thing. Big mistake. I was told not to. Webb knew it was wrong but because of me, he made a foolish gesture too. Look where that got Webb. He was viciously tortured. He can't even pick up a pen to write his name, now. And then I was almost tortured. And Harm quit the best job he will ever have just to rectify that mistake. Lots of people were killed. Just cause I didn't follow orders.
Hear me, Bud? Don't follow things like the marine code and friendship. Don't be like Harm.
It's funny that I have switched on how I look at Harm. At one time, I thought that Harm was guarded about his emotions. Never letting down his wall of perceived calm. I even told him that. It was on the Admiral's porch at my engagement party. His famous self control, never letting down his guard. Yada, yada, yada. Boy was I wrong. How could I ever have thought that Harm was not emotional? He is all emotion.
Take my wedding for example. Next thing I know, he was flying back through the thunderstorm of the century to get to Mic and my wedding. How stupid of him. Just because of a stupid promise. That wasn't self-control that was out-of-control. Why? Because I made a passing jibe in the elevator. I was a little nervous about the wedding and predictably I aimed it at Harm. We trade snarky remarks all of the time. Nothing is meant by it. If he didn't realize then, he was just being stupid.
I mean, I didn't even ask him to sit at the head table at the reception. 'Not enough room,' I think was the excuse I made. What kind of best friend is that? Tell me why anyone would fly through a storm and spend three hours in frigid water for a friend like that? I wouldn't. He should have known then. This friendship isn't worth it.
Look at the Friendly Fire case. I tried my best to get that 'decorated war hero' discredited. I had to. Harm was just so biased towards the pilot. My case depended on it. Then he gives me that file. The one with surveillance data that revealed the truth? Me, the dupe, loses the case because it's 'the right thing to do.' That was so stupid. I will never do that again. I'm never getting sucked into 'the right thing' again. The right thing is to look after me, Sarah Mackenzie.
Harm has always tried to do the right thing. Look where it got him, Bud. Taxi driver for the spooks. I win. He loses. Big time.
In Paraguay, I was right when I told Hamr that we both want to be on top. I mean, I really do want to be on top. And so does he. And now Harm is out of the way. Right? This is what I want. So it's time to be satisfied with a job well done. Harm is out of the way. I'm the most senior staff here. Sturgis is a lightweight. No one is standing between me and what I want.
Even the admiral sees it that way. I mean, he is just following orders too. Enough of this hero thing. We would be all stupid to sacrifice our careers and all that we have worked for just for a passing emotion like code and honor. The admiral and I are on the same wavelength. Go wrestle alligators, Harm, if you feel that way.
Is there anyway to shut Bud up? He is still talking about missing Harm. Be quiet. Get the hint, Bud. I really don't want to talk about this.
Bud, you talk like I'm his friend or something. Think about it. Would a supposed friend just go quietly back to work after the friend saved her life and sacrificed his career? No. A real friend would go to bat for him.
Would a friend leave a friend limply unconscious in a wrecked airplane to find a truck? Maybe if she was hysterical enough. But I'm a marine. I don't think hysterically. Right?
What kind of friend would criticize the manner in which he saved her life, as if it wasn't done exactly right, it wasn't worth doing at all. Jeez. How many times does this guy need to be walked on before he gets it? It isn't worth it, Harm. I'm no friend.
And what kind of friend is it that can't even thank the other? Bud, you have to understand this. I couldn't even bring myself to say two simple words to him. Thank you. 'Cause if I did show true gratitude, maybe then I would have to acknowledge that something special was done. And I can't go there right now. Someday maybe. In an alternate universe.
Bud, get it through your thick head. I am no friend of Harm's. Friendship was just this old-fashioned notion that we once had. A passing thing. I killed it. I put a bullet in it. Bud, please respect the dead.
Okay, maybe if I suggest Bud leave early. Will that work? There is the christening right? Then I can go through Harm's files myself. That will be hard enough. Hopefully, he doesn't decide to stay. That will drive me crazy. I can't handle that. The christening will be hard enough.
Go home, Bud. I can't talk about Harm. Maybe someday, fifty years from now, I can reminisce like you. Not now. Not for a long time.