Chapter 3: Leviticus
Of all the things in the bible that I have the most trouble understanding, it's the book Leviticus. I mean, do you really think I care that much whether or not you humans eat things with hooves. If I didn't want you eating hoofed animals I would have given pigs and cows opposable toes.
I can see why you people would want to take a little liberty with the creation story. But some of the stuff in Leviticus is a bit too much. The whole homo thing for instance.
Who the fuck cares whether or not someone chooses to like guys or girls. Lesbians and gays are humans, and what's more, having no gender myself, I have a soft spot in my heart for gays and lesbians. So, quick hint to all you homosexuals out there, you are much more likely to get into heaven then those homophobes out there who say your all going against my will.
Next thing I utterly despise in this section is this whole thing about saying that I sanction slavery. What the fuck is wrong with you people!?!?!?!? You yourselves figured out a few hundred years ago that slavery was wrong. Why do I have to intervene and say "guess what, I agree, slavery should be stopped". I can forgive and all that shit. But one of y'all should have said gee, maybe god doesn't like slavery after all, I mean, it's not like he came down in the 1800's and said that we should keep slavery going because the black people are servants of Satan. For the record, the ones working for Satan are the jellyfish. They can hear you speaking, so shhhh. Seriously though, you people should start using the remaining 25% of your brain a little more effectively.
Now, I suppose I could also get into the stoning bit. The death penalty is bogus. Now, I believe in this whole thing about cruel and unusual punishment being over the top, but most of the people you kill are innocent. So, your death penalty kind of gives me some action. So, you kill an innocent, they come to the onyx gates (like shit they're pearly) and meet, not Saint Peter, but Saint Porter (Peter is on three century sabbatical since 2000). Well of course, Porter asks, "How did you die". They say "death penalty". We look into it. If they were innocent, I get to throw some lightning bolts. You have no clue how much satisfaction I get from that.
Now, I think it's time to revisit that whole food thing. See, for some reason, the guy who wrote this part had a really extraordinary sense of taste. And he hated fish. So, this is where the part where it says something like "Thou shalt not meat which has touched fish, for it is unclean".
There is a similar explanation for the hoof thing. The person in question was an early version of the head of the E.P.A. He decided that to save the cow, why not lobby with the people righting the "word of God" and get the thing about hooves in there? It worked, cow death rate went down, meat consumption went down, cows went way up, and consequently, it smelled like cow shit up here until two things happened.
People decided that sheep didn't taste as good as cow. Cow life expectancy goes down. Cow crap goes down. And somebody up here hit upon the bright idea of baking soda cleaners. Ah, minty fresh.
Of all the things in the bible that I have the most trouble understanding, it's the book Leviticus. I mean, do you really think I care that much whether or not you humans eat things with hooves. If I didn't want you eating hoofed animals I would have given pigs and cows opposable toes.
I can see why you people would want to take a little liberty with the creation story. But some of the stuff in Leviticus is a bit too much. The whole homo thing for instance.
Who the fuck cares whether or not someone chooses to like guys or girls. Lesbians and gays are humans, and what's more, having no gender myself, I have a soft spot in my heart for gays and lesbians. So, quick hint to all you homosexuals out there, you are much more likely to get into heaven then those homophobes out there who say your all going against my will.
Next thing I utterly despise in this section is this whole thing about saying that I sanction slavery. What the fuck is wrong with you people!?!?!?!? You yourselves figured out a few hundred years ago that slavery was wrong. Why do I have to intervene and say "guess what, I agree, slavery should be stopped". I can forgive and all that shit. But one of y'all should have said gee, maybe god doesn't like slavery after all, I mean, it's not like he came down in the 1800's and said that we should keep slavery going because the black people are servants of Satan. For the record, the ones working for Satan are the jellyfish. They can hear you speaking, so shhhh. Seriously though, you people should start using the remaining 25% of your brain a little more effectively.
Now, I suppose I could also get into the stoning bit. The death penalty is bogus. Now, I believe in this whole thing about cruel and unusual punishment being over the top, but most of the people you kill are innocent. So, your death penalty kind of gives me some action. So, you kill an innocent, they come to the onyx gates (like shit they're pearly) and meet, not Saint Peter, but Saint Porter (Peter is on three century sabbatical since 2000). Well of course, Porter asks, "How did you die". They say "death penalty". We look into it. If they were innocent, I get to throw some lightning bolts. You have no clue how much satisfaction I get from that.
Now, I think it's time to revisit that whole food thing. See, for some reason, the guy who wrote this part had a really extraordinary sense of taste. And he hated fish. So, this is where the part where it says something like "Thou shalt not meat which has touched fish, for it is unclean".
There is a similar explanation for the hoof thing. The person in question was an early version of the head of the E.P.A. He decided that to save the cow, why not lobby with the people righting the "word of God" and get the thing about hooves in there? It worked, cow death rate went down, meat consumption went down, cows went way up, and consequently, it smelled like cow shit up here until two things happened.
People decided that sheep didn't taste as good as cow. Cow life expectancy goes down. Cow crap goes down. And somebody up here hit upon the bright idea of baking soda cleaners. Ah, minty fresh.