SEQ CHAPTER \h \r 1 AN: Hi all! Well, this is my very first attempt at an Inuyasha fic. It probably sucks out loud, but I wanted to experiment with something and I thought this would be a nice place to try it out. Hope it's not too scary!
Now, I decided to write a little in Kagome's point of view about her feelings toward Kikyou. Just to let you all know, I don't hate Kikyou. I'm a definite Inu/Kag girl, but I also like Kikyou because I find her so complex. I just wish she'd stop kissing Inuyasha and trying to bring him to hell... I must add that I switch POV in this a couple times. Enjoy! *cowers under her nice, thick blanket awaiting rotten tomatoes.*
DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the characters of Inuyasha. If I did, I'd be a very, very happy woman.
SPECIAL DEDICATION: I'd like to thank Niffer for making this story postable. I dedicate this to you for waking you up with my insistency on MSN. I'll lend you baka stick and you can repeatedly beat me with it. I owe you one.
REFLECTION
My reflection wasn't what I wanted to see at this moment, but I forced my legs to carry me upstairs and into the bathroom. The mirror was there, as it always had been. I had imagined that when I actually got there, it would have disappeared. After everything I've gone through, it's not that far fetched. It was there though and so was I, or am I really me? In truth, I was beginning to wonder. I gazed deep into the reflection questioning, is this really me? Am I myself or someone else?
I pulled my hair back letting it fall loosely around the sides of my head and frowned deeply. The reflection imitated my exact movements and I hated it. I hated that reflection and everything that it implied. My hair tumbled down by back as I gripped the sink. It was wrong for me to hate that which I did not understand. Maybe that was why I felt so guilty.
My thoughts turned then to that moment. The moment which had caused me to come back here and look into my own reflection. The moment which caused me to feel guilty and weak. What would he think of me now? Who's reflection would he see?
Kikyou was dead now. During our last battle, Naraku had destroyed her. No one could have helped her then. That bastard shot her through the chest with a blast of energy that she couldn't repel. I had seen her eyes widen with a mixture of pain and surprise, but no one could save her. Not even the slightly wounded hanyou who was down on his hands and knees in his grief. Not the demon lord of the Western lands, Sesshoumaru, who stood off to the side with the same unemotional expression. Nor the demon exterminator, monk or kitsune that stood by my side. Though, maybe I could have.
I would never admit it to anyone, but my thoughts grew twisted at that moment. I had ill thoughts as I watched my hanyou grieve. Mine... the twisted face in the mirror greeted me back. He would never be mine with this reflection. It had already caused him more pain than I could ever wish upon my worst enemy. All because I have her face.
So much is going through my mind right now. So much that I didn't even realize my hand had left the edge of the sink to curl into a tight fist. The thoughts of her mixing around with the thoughts of how much I hurt him by just being around him. All I keep thinking about is that I could have saved her. I could have let my reflection live.
I was never so glad to be alone than I was at this moment. The noise in my ears rang for minutes before I realized what had happened. I was not staring at my reflection anymore. I was staring at the shards of what used to be someone. Fragments and sharp edges. Another thought came to me then. Was this what she thought when she looked back at me? Was I the reflection to her? Was I the imposter that had stolen her life and left her with nothing? Who was I to hate her?
Confusion swept through me as I knelt on the floor. So much pain had been dealt her way and I held contempt for her. It was not my place to judge and I had become a horrible person by doing so. My hands had flown to my mouth in that instance and I could feel fresh, hot tears travel down my face. I could not hate her, but I could hate myself for not saving her. I could hate myself for causing him the pain he's in now.
Had I been more aware of my surroundings at that moment, I would have known the instant that I was no longer alone in my house. I may not have heard the window open or even heard that footsteps that stepped lightly to the bathroom door, but I would have felt it sooner.
"Kagome?" That voice, whispered with confusion and something else I couldn't quite figure out, caused me to turn my gaze from the shards littering the floor. My eyes, probably a little more than puffy and red, looked up for a split second before I felt so small that I might vanish into one of the cracks in the tile floor. I had to do something, anything, to keep out of that gaze.
I dropped to the floor, letting my hands seek out the shards of the mirror I had just smashed and I grabbed as many as I could. I didn't even notice that my hands were bleeding. There was no pain. Did she feel pain? Did she bleed when she was cut? When she died...
"Kagome, stop! What are you doing?" He was in front of me now. Kneeling and grabbing my hands as they continued to search for the missing pieces. I couldn't stop now. I had to put it back together. I had to make it right. It was my responsibility to make it right.
"I have to... Mama will be mad if... I need to put the pieces back together..." I was rambling now. What was I saying? Everything was jumbled, but I saw him looking up to see the remains of the shattered mirror. It was time enough for me to pull my hands free and continue my quest.
"Kagome!" He hands grabbed at mine again, but this time I found my voice, hoarse and choked with sobs and tears. It came out shrill as it raised a pitch.
"I have to! I have to put her back together!" He was staring at me now. Confused and worried. I didn't want to see that look on his face. I didn't want him to be concerned for me. I reached for the pieces again and I caught his eyes narrowing. He was angry now. I could handle that better.
"Dammit Kagome, look at yourself!" I had to gasp at the hold he now had on my wrists. He made quick work of turning them over, palm up, so I could see my hands. I hadn't even notice how bad they were bleeding until I saw the cuts, some deep, some shallow. Blood. Did she bleed too? I tried to pull away, but he held firm.
"I have to fix it..." My voice came out as a whisper now. I had no more strength left to fight him. All I could think of was how warm his hands were. I wanted to be held by those arms, but it wasn't my place. It was hers and I was confused.
"You can't fix it, Kagome. There's nothing left to fix." There was something in his voice that made me wonder if he knew the confusion I hadn't yet come to understand. I couldn't look him in the eye then. I didn't want to see the pain I brought him.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..." What else was there for me to say? Would he understand? I heard him give a frustrated sigh and shuffle a bit on the floor. "What are you sorry for?" He asked. I could have screamed at him. What was I sorry for! Instead, I felt new tears stream down my face. I had to admit it. I already knew it, he might as well know it to.
"I let her die. I could have saved her, but I let her die." I couldn't stop crying now. My shoulders were trembling with each sob that came from my throat and all I could do was wait. Wait for him to speak and tell me how much he despised me for my confession. I let the silence that stretched out surround me like a blanket. The blanket of eternal suffering. Has a nice ring to it.
He didn't know how long he sat there, staring at her. He remembered Sango telling him that he should go check on her. That she seemed rather distraught when she left for the well. Part of him hadn't really wanted to go and so, he delayed the request opting for his own private thoughts. Had he known she was so upset, he would have come sooner.
"There was nothing you could have done to save her, Kagome." He hated to admit it, but there was nothing he could have done either. It had happened so fast that by the time it registered in his mind, it had already taken place. He had failed her again. This time there was no coming back for the miko. That, he reluctantly accepted.
"I was so angry! I wished that she had never come back and that I could be just Kagome again. I let her die and I'm such a horrible person!" He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He had known that Kagome had been greatly uneasy whenever they had encountered the undead miko, but to hear her call herself a horrible person because she harbored certain emotions toward the woman was disturbing in itself. No, his Kagome was not a horrible person and to think that just because she didn't understand her own feelings she had accused herself for Kikyou's death.
He frowned while ushering forth another frustrated sigh. Was this his fault? He remember once telling her that she had a small heart. He knew different though. She had always accepted him. She had brought their small group together and given them hope when all else failed. No indeed. Her heart was too big and now she had taken on the responsibility of Kikyou's demise.
"Keh, you're only human, Kagome." It couldn't have come out any worse than that and he nearly bit his tongue when it slipped out. He had never been one for words, especially with her. The statement was true though. Strong emotions were natural human traits. He himself, being part human, knew this. While Kagome herself considered her feelings toward Kikyou, hate; he doubted very much that she truly hated her. Hate was not something that came easily to the girl.
She muttered it again, mixed with her many sobs. She could have saved her. Could have done something. Part of him wished there was something that could have been done. Kikyou didn't deserve to be killed twice. Naraku would pay for all of the suffering he had caused. For Sango and her village that was destroyed. For Miroku that had been cursed with the air void that would eventually kill him. For Kikyou and himself who had been turned against each other for his own needs. While he was at it, for Kagome who, in her innocence, had to witness all of this madness.
"I'll kill him. I'll take that bastard's life like he took ours, but you have to listen, Kagome. There was nothing you could have done. Nothing." He would keep pushing the statement until it sunk in.
"I could use the jewel." It was whispered and broken, as if saying it was tearing her apart. He shook his head and looked up to the shattered mirror again.
"What good would that do? Even if we had all the shards, she still wouldn't be the same Kikyou. You have her soul, remember?" He was beginning to feel uneasy about where this was going. She sat silent for only a moment before confirming his fears.
"I could have given it back." The reply nearly knocked the wind out of him. The knot in his stomach tightened considerably and his heart seemed to constrict in his chest. With wide golden eyes, he answered back with the same broken whisper she had delivered to him earlier.
"You can't do that. You'd die without your soul, Kagome." He would try to lead her off this path.
"She would be alive and you would be happy. I only want you to be happy, Inuyasha. It's not my soul anyway. You said so yourself, it's hers. I'll let her..." He couldn't hear anymore. She was willing to die for his happiness. What would she say to the revelations he had come across while spending that short time away.
He had thought about a lot of things in those brief moments and he had drawn the conclusion rather quickly, that Kikyou didn't belong here. Kaede-baba had been right when she said that her sister wasn't the same and her time here was done. He was given another chance and it was time for him to protect someone else. He would protect Kagome, because she had taught him how to love again. Now he would show her.
"You don't know what makes me happy..." Before he could continue, she cut him off, shaking her head.
"She makes you happy."
"Urasai! Baka! Kikyou is dead, leave her be! Her time is done and it's your time to live!" He grabbed her and pulled her tightly against his chest, dipping his head to take in her scent.
"I can't make you happy like this." She was pleading, begging him to see things her way, through her eyes. He roughly shook his head, long silver locks of hair whipping wildly behind him.
"Why, because you look like her? Does that really matter to you?" He was frantic in his questioning, pulling her tighter into his embrace as if she would disappear.
"She makes you happy and she's gone now. I make you sad, because I am her." She buried her face in the crook of his neck and sniffed back more sobs.
"You're not her! You're not her, Kagome. You two are completely different people. Kikyou was so reserved. She wasn't one to let people see what she felt. You, Kagome, are so full of life. You have what she couldn't. Life." He could try to explain this without messing up. Try he would. For her.
"I don't understand." She sounded like a small child to him. So lost and confused. He would lead her down the right path. Back to him.
"You live the life she couldn't have. She wanted to be a normal woman. In a way, this is her wish, Kagome. You live the life she couldn't have. A normal life. I think she would be happy with your life, but she wouldn't be selfish enough to steal it from you. In the end, I'm sure she knew it was her time." He stopped to let out the breath he was holding and looked down at her.
"I just want you to be happy." She said.
"Then stop thinking stupid stuff and live. I want you to live, Kagome." He rubbed his cheek gently against hers and smiled at the blush that dawned her cheeks. She sighed as the last of her sobs ceased and leaned against his shoulder again. If it had been a different situation, she would have asked him when he became so insightful.
"Let's get your hands cleaned before they get infected." Standing, he pulled her up with him and brought her to the edge of the sink to rinse her hands off. He wouldn't tell anybody, but the idea of running water had fascinated him. No cold lakes or hot springs to bathe in. Everything was right there at your fingertips. Though, in truth, he hadn't been quite prepared for the first 'bath' encounter.
Turning the taps the way he had been instructed in doing, he placed her injured hands in to rinse away any pieces of the mirror that weren't stuck, then he grabbed a towel and wet face clothe, ignoring the fact that they were white and brought her into her room.
"Sit and don't move." He sat her on the bed, then went to grab the overstuffed yellow bag she brought with her when she went to the Sengoku Jidai. The contents were dumped out on the floor until he found the first aid kit she had. It was almost empty now, having been used mostly on him, though he never really needed it. There was just enough gauze and disinfectant to do the trick.
She watched him with curious eyes as he did these things, running over the conversation they had just had. He said he would be happy if she lived. He wanted her to live. Flinching, she looked up to see that he had taken on of her hands and placed it on his lap over the towel.
"Don't move, Kagome. I don't want to hurt you." He was using his claws to pick out some of the slivers in her palm. Though he had warned her, she jerked again and hissed at the pain the shot through her hand.
"Baka, now I suppose it hurts huh?" He quipped.
"I couldn't feel anything before. I just felt... lost. Gomen..." She was starting to feel small again. Her eyes lowered from his steady gaze to the hand being carefully tended to.
"I found you, so quit apologizing already. You're only human after all." She couldn't think of a good retort to that one.
"Hai, Inuyasha." Better to just agree and let things be.
"Right, so that means no more stupid thinking." He stated as he finished binding her wounds. She dared a glare in his direction this time only to see him smiling down at her. One of his fangs hanging out of the corner of his mouth. She couldn't help, but smile back.
That smile, that small smile never usually shown, is just for me. I can't help but blush. He's constantly got his foot stuck in his mouth, but he's trying and he said that I make him happy. Just to make sure...
"I-Inuyasha?" I can't look him in the eye when I ask this so, I look at my down bandaged hands instead. The hands that he so carefully cleaned and wrapped.
"Nani? Does it still hurt?" He's so concerned for me. On top of my lightheadedness I feel drained and tired so, I can't help the yawn that escapes my mouth before I shake my head no and continue.
"Are you sure I make you happy? Am I really the one you see or am I just the reflection?" I bit my lip just now, but it didn't take long for him to respond. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me against him again. He feels so warm and this feels so right.
"How could I be happy without you? Kikyou is where she should be and I already told you that you two were different people. What more can I say, Kagome?" He sighed and I knew he was at a loss for words. I understood though and yawned again.
"Oi, go to sleep before you swallow your tongue." He flipped over on his back with me still wrapped in his arms. With my head cushioned on his chest, I felt at peace. He was right. I needed to live and I would live the life that Kikyou couldn't have. To make him happy and to make her happy for giving me this moment.
"Stay with me? Please, while I sleep?" I asked. It sounded childish, I know, but I wanted to be near him to make sure I wasn't dreaming. He sighed and scratched his head.
"I'll stay. Things will still be the same in the morning right? Promise, wench." His golden eyes can get so intense sometimes. I smiled and reached up to rub the tip of one of his soft puppy ears.
"Hai, Inuyasha, I promise. You too? I don't want to get lost anymore." It was the truth and somehow, he knew it.
"I won't let you get lost again. Promise. Now, go to sleep." That statement made me glow, but the kiss he placed on my lips, light and gentle, made me warm and alive again. Like a part of me had been returned.
"Arigato, Inuyasha. Oyasumi nasai." I whispered as closed my eyes. I could have sworn I heard him say he loved me as I sunk into a deep sleep. When I woke up the next morning, he was there, watching over me. Protecting me like he promised so long ago. Me, Kagome and not my past reflection. I have to smile at that.
"Aishiteru, Inuyasha."
~~THE END~~
Just in case, though I'm sure most of you know these anyway. Correct me if I'm wrong:
Baka- Idiot, stupid, fool. You get the picture.
Miko- priestess
Urasai- Shut up!
Hai- yes
Baba- Old hag. Insulting eh?
Sengoku Jidai- Warring states era. Something to that extent. Correct me if I'm wrong.
Gomen- Sorry
Nani- What
Oi- Hey. I've heard that only males use it, but I've seen woman use it.
Arigato- Thank you.
Oyasumi nasai- good night
Aishiteru- I love you.
AN: Well, that's it. Wadda yah think? Bad, lousy, needs improvement? Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. If there's any spelling errors, I apologize. I must have missed them.