(Another lengthy chapter! Grab some tissues and let the turmoil begin!)
Chapter 6: No One Understands Me
He finally released his anguish and frustration by letting out an eardrum- piercing, monstrous shriek that was so thunderously deafening it may as well have resonated through entire Everwood. He looked grimly at the spinning chrome wheel of his overturned wheelchair a few feet from where he helplessly sat. Blinding anger filled up every inch of his body. The tips of his ears redden and he felt steam radiating off the top of his head. Still huffing in his fury, he managed to drag his body over to the nearest structure and prop himself up against the kitchen island. He ended his raging torment by ramming his right fist into the maple wood siding. Ephram was fuming with such explosive anger, like mercury rising, that he failed to register the immediate pain as the bones of his knuckles came into contact with the hard surface. It took him a few seconds to feel the throbbing in his hand.
"Fucking wheelchair!!!!" Ephram hollered wildly at the contraption on the floor as he shook out his hand. He didn't know whether he was madder at himself or at his wheelchair. But one thing was for sure, he just learned it was easier and less painful to direct anger towards a defenseless, material item than at ones self. Glaring at the wheelchair, he wanted to throw it out the window. It stood capsized yet silently mocked him. This only made his blood boil faster.
His father made it necessary to purchase the most compact, stylish, and contemporary wheelchair he could find on the market. It was an iGlide model. Apparently, this wheelchair was on the cutting-edge of wheelchair technology. With its black leather back-supporting seat and titanium frame, it made for the lightest, most efficient and versatile wheelchair available. This wasn't your bulky conventional manual wheelchair. This one had features that propelled you further and tackled a variety of tough terrains with a simple push of the handrim. The iGlide had a sensor that calculated the difference between the effort used on the handrim and the force needed to propel the chair over a certain terrain, like grass or carpet. Hence, with one push, the system automatically adjusts to the surface changes with the same effort. Andy was more enthusiastic about introducing this device than Ephram was at receiving it. Andy personally demonstrated the unique characteristics of the chair and even tested it out himself before handing it over to Ephram. Of all the splendid features Andy described, Ephram was unimpressed and disinterested. He knew his father was only trying to be supportive and show his sensitivity to this wheelchair stuff. Somehow, Ephram didn't think a cool state-of-the-art wheelchair was going to help his situation. The only thing that could make him feel 100% better was to walk again.
In his self-pity and despair, he knotted his fists, dug them into his watery eyes and sobbed. He felt completely miserable - like there was not a soul in the world who would understand his grief and lament. His right knuckles started to pulsate and swell but he ignored the pain. Ever since the release from the hospital, everyone treated him differently. Once the news spread about his horrible suffering, everyone wanted to help and be his friend. Adjusting to his newfound fame was something he had trouble adapting to. He was no longer the boy in the shadows - the outcast. On the contrary, most people automatically accepted him. Disappearing into the woodwork became a thing of the past. Negative popularity was all he had ever known since his family moved to Everwood. He was not used to the sudden celebrity status nor was he ready for any sort of kindness from these people. Rejection and denial was Ephram's only familiar territory. That dark rain cloud looming over his head was something he dealt with everyday. Being eyed with disgust and picked on at school was normality. He was used to it. They all judged his character without a fair trial. No one cared who he was and he liked it that way. He was the outsider - always have been and always will be. He can never mutate into "one of them."
Surely, there were still those who pointed and whispered curiously behind his back. Ephram imagined with scorn what they said about him. 'There goes the new kid in his wheelchair.' 'Must be awful waking up everyday and realize you can't even walk to the bathroom.' 'Have you ever seen a more wretched sight than watching him wheel around like that?' Nobody ever knew him by name. Everyone referred to him as "The stuck-up kid from New York" or "The city freak." It became even worse with the wheelchair, which made him look even more pathetic. Not only did strangers started calling him by name now, they talked to him and wanted to know how he was doing. He loathed the attention. Deep down inside, he knew they were just trying to score some good deed points to earn them a spot in heaven. There were a lot of guilty consciences in this small town. 'Be nice to the kid in the wheelchair' and 'Cut the handicapped kid some slack' became Everwood rules - at least Ephram felt that way. He didn't want anyone to feel like they owed him something.
No one knew the intense pain and sorrow that curtained his mind. They all seemed like they cared but he was just a heavy burden that everyone had to put up with because he wasn't capable of doing things himself. The big salty droplets of tears streamed down his eyes and he wailed harder thinking this very thought. How did it come to this deep melancholy moment when he doubted being understood by those around him? What sharp object punctured his heart so deeply to make it bleed at such a rapid pace? What caused his spirit to break and every last ounce of hope gone?
*** What Happened At Shimmy's ***
Ephram needed to be with friends. Andy decided his son needed to be around people his age again. At first, Ephram was reluctant to give society a try but Andy and Nina talked him into it. They thought it would be good for the boy to get out more and get used to traveling in his wheelchair. Ephram agreed to have lunch with Amy and Colin at Shimmy's, which was Everwood's poor excuse for a burger joint. Shimmy's was one part teenage hangout and one part lounge - both separated by a wooden beaded corridor. It was loud and almost always swarming with unruly teenagers - especially after school hours on weekdays. It definitely wasn't the quality of the greasy food that lured the kids in - it was the mini arcade in the rear. The food was neither amazingly great nor terribly bad. The teen crowd didn't seem to complain - but then again, they've obviously never had a burger from Big Nick's Burger Joint on the upper west side.
Ephram arrived early and patiently waited for his lunch buddies. Andy had dropped him off at the restaurant. He felt a bit uneasy leaving his son alone but he figured he had to give the kid space to grow. Besides, Ephram seemed ok about seeing his two friends.
Promptly at 12 noon, Amy and Colin sashayed fashionably through the front doors - he in his red and yellow letterman jacket and she in a dainty pale blue V-neck knit sweater. They appeared perfect for each other. It was kind of like in those chick flicks where the popular and beautiful cheerleader dated the school's top jock captain of the football team. And to think Ephram had half a chance with a girl like that. Look at whom he was up against. Colin was everything Ephram was not. He was tall, handsome, hefty, sports driven, everyone loved him, and had a pretty girl in his arms.
They easily spotted Ephram at a table by the window. With the wheelchair, it was hard not to spot Ephram from a crowded room. Colin nodded amiably to some friends as the twosome made their way to Ephram's table. Colin and Amy exchanged greetings with Ephram and took their seats. It was awkward just having them stare at him with a thousand questions beaming in their eyes but didn't ask because they were afraid to. Ephram was never good at striking up conversations. He was the reticent one. But once the floor opened up for discussions, they talked casually about the weather, new movies they saw and wanted to see, the latest cool video game, and school gossip. For a split second, Ephram thought things were taking a step forward - until a lost for words shifted the subject matter onto Ephram. Colin finally asked about how rehab was going. Amy kicked Colin in the shin under the table so hard he yelped in pain and shot a what-did-you-do-that- for look at Amy. She gave Colin a mean pout that told him it was an inappropriate question to ask.
Amy and Colin were told to treat Ephram like how they would normally treat him. It was complicated enough for the boy to adjust to his new surroundings. He didn't need people reminding him that he's different. But it was easier said than done. The wheelchair was like a big neon sign that blinked "Look at me. Look at me." It was hard not to stare and think how his entire life changed because of one unfortunate incident. It was hard to not feel sympathy and sorrow for him. And it was hard not to wonder what he was thinking and how this affected his frame of mind. They wanted to help - maybe a little too much.
"Let's look at the menu." Amy changed the subject before Ephram could answer Colin's question regarding rehab. She grabbed a plastic covered menu from the salt and pepper caddy on their table. "What looks good Ephram?" She added while browsing through it.
Ephram didn't know why she was asking him that question. It's not like they've never eaten at this place before. Everyone knows the menu backwards and forwards. Who needs to look at a menu? Ephram watched Amy biting her glossy lip as she thoroughly read the menu like it was the first time she'd ever seen it. At this point, Colin also followed Amy's lead in burying his head into a menu.
"Um, a cheeseburger?" Ephram replied wisely without budging. "It's a burger joint remember?"
"Right. A cheeseburger it is then. Sounds good, I think I'll have one too." Colin agreed. "Grover?" He turned to Amy.
"Yea, what a great choice! Count me in." Amy marveled like Ephram's just picked a grade A sirloin steak.
'This is too weird. Do they think this is a five star restaurant?' Ephram thought.
"To drink, I would like to try a sparkling brown Coke on the rocks with a twist of lemon. I hear 2003 is a very good year. And make it extra bubbly, old chap." Ephram said in his best stuffy English butler accent. But they didn't catch his humor. They only looked at him in confusion.
The waiter came by to take their order. Amy spoke first, then Colin. When it was Ephram's turn to order, Amy did the favor of speaking for him.
"He'll have a cheeseburger and a Coke with lemon." Amy said staring at the waiter. The waiter scribbled their order on his note pad and asked if they would like fries with their meal. Amy and Colin answered for themselves. Ephram was about to say yes to the waiter when Amy spoke for him again. "Yes, Ephram will have fries as well."
While waiting for their food, they took turns trying to consistently pelt a medley of trivial questions at Ephram. 'Has he heard the hot new Eminem song?' 'Did he see the outrageous outfit Christina Aguilera wore to the Teen Choice Awards on TV - like, what was she thinking?' 'When was the last time he tasted a really good slice of pizza?' 'How was Delia?' 'Did he hear about the Broncos making it to the playoffs and may actually have a good shot at winning the super bowl (not bad for a Denver-based team)?' 'Has he got the latest chapter of Sixgun yet and if so, what was it about?'
Sixgun??? And since when were either of them into hypercomics?! Did they even know the meaning of a hypercomic??? Ephram doubted their knowledge of the obscure term but he was polite and gave them a spiel about the latest chapter. It was so obvious they were desperate to make conversation with him to keep their minds off the fact that Ephram was confined to a wheelchair. To Ephram, their questions and subject matters seemed too well rehearsed and filtered - like they had gone over the do's and don'ts of what to say ahead of time. Ephram was disappointed that none of the questions they projected were about his current condition or about his legs. It would've been nice to get that all out in the open so it didn't have to be so awkward. Amy and Colin thought avoiding the subject helped the situation but on the contrary, it made things worse for young Ephram. When the tough stuff happens, you can't act like an ostrich and stick your head in the sand and hope all your problems will go away. You have to face the music - so-to-speak. He wished they would just ask him once and for all whatever they wanted, especially since they were dying to know everything anyway.
They ate their food and the talking was lowered to a minimum. "Napkins. I need more napkins." Ephram finally broke the silence. "I'm such a messy eater." He said admiring the melted cheese between his fingers. He was about to hail a nearby waiter when it happened again. Only this time, it was Colin.
"Yo! Waiter!" Colin snapped his fingers to summon the waiter. "Napkins for my friend here please."
Even still, Ephram ignored the emotionally choking services his two friends had unnecessarily provided him. Perhaps they were just overprotective. The remainder of the meal was eaten in silence with the occasional praising of the crispiness of the fries or the thirst quenching abilities of their cold drinks.
Just when things couldn't get more interesting, Bright wandered into the restaurant sporting his letterman jacket with pride. The jacket gave him a big ego. He even had that little sway in his walk kind of like the way John Travolta had in "Grease." Spotting Colin out of the crowded room, he approached the table. Bright grabbed a chair, spun it around and sat on it backwards. Seated between Ephram and Colin, he rested his elbows on the back of his chair.
"Hey kids." Bright greeted his friends. He then eyed Ephram and nodded in his direction. "Awesome wheels. Very cool." He complimented while checking out Ephram's shiny new wheelchair.
"Bright!" Amy said through clenched teeth. She shot an evil glance at her brother before Ephram could reply.
"What?! It IS a nice set of wheels. Must've cost one pretty penny though, huh squirt?" Bright nudged Ephram with his elbow in a friendly manner. The thing with Bright was that he never called Ephram by name. Ephram always wondered why. Was it because he couldn't pronounce it, or what? He always called him Squirt or Kid or Brown or some other nickname he could conjure up.
"Bright, what's the matter with you?!" Amy gasped at her brother's outburst. Ephram found it amusing to watch Amy's face redden with anger.
"I say something wrong?" Bright questioned candidly. He had a habit of thinking aloud. He looked uncomfortably around the table at the appalled faces of his sister and best friend.
'Geez, why is the wheelchair thing such a touchy subject?!' Ephram wondered.
"So - Kid. Um -" Bright searched for words. He finally thought of something
meaningful to ask, or at least so he thought. "You still play the piano?"
"Sort of. I realized I can't play the pieces too well because I can't use the foot pedals. It's a leg problem." Ephram said.
"Bright!!" Amy warned.
"Oh! I forgot about those foot pedals! Tsk, sorry. Must be tough. I know how you feel. Playing basketball means the world to me and if one day I loose that ability, I don't know what I would do." Bright continued ignoring Amy.
"Bright, will you shut up?" Amy yelled.
"Hey, I'm just trying to make conversation." Bright shrugged.
"I'm sorry for dumbo's behavior. I don't know what got into him." Amy apologized to Ephram for Bright's actions. "He always puts his foot in his mouth." She immediately flushed a deep shade of pink upon realizing what she just said. "Uh, I didn't mean to say that. What I meant was -"
"It's ok. No pun intended." Ephram cut in. He was getting tired of everyone pretending like the wheelchair was invisible when it was the only thing that they thought about.
"No, really, I'm sorry." Amy insisted as she craved for his forgiveness. She looked like she was going to burst into tears.
"I said it's ok. Don't worry about it." Ephram pardoned. He wished she wouldn't act so strange.
"So, what do you guys want to do after lunch?" Colin asked.
"There's this place a few miles from Englewood called The Ramp. It's an outdoor skateboarding arena and there's a competition going on today. I thought it'd be fun to watch'em do tricks on their skateboards. It's about a 20 minute drive. We can all fit into my pickup. Colin can always ride in the back." Bright offered.
"Sounds cool but I don't know if that's such a great idea. Ephram's a little shaky when it comes to other people driving." Colin hinted regarding Ephram's emotional state.
"Fine. Since you're always so full of great ideas, why don't you enlighten me." Bright retorted.
"Um, I dunno - we could go to the park?" Colin scratched his head.
"Yea, and do what there? Shoot hoops while the kid watches us bored out of his skull?!" Bright replied.
"Hey, the mall's always fun and within walking distance." Amy suggested while playing with the straw in her glass.
"Again?!" Colin and Bright said in unison.
"We've gone to the mall for the past three days. There's nothing to do there but shop." Bright whined. "Besides, it's a Saturday - you know it's going to be packed."
"If you really think about it, the mall was created for girls, not guys. Unless you're a guy trying to meet girls then that's a different story." Colin rambled.
"OK. Focus here, Colin. You're straying from the subject." Amy said.
"I know!! Let's go to the movies!! The Hulk is playing at the Fiveplex. I've already seen it but I swear Colin, there is a guy in that movie that looks just like you!!!" Bright exclaimed. "I mean, he could be a dead- ringer for your twin! You gotta check it out. What do you say?"
"Hmm. I don't know." Amy replied. "Any other options?"
"The theater IS wheelchair accessible, you know." Bright added.
"Bright - will you cut it out? Don't you think we know that?!" Amy raised her voice. "Think before you open your mouth."
Completely left out of the discussion, Ephram watched the three continue to argue amongst themselves on the perfect hangout for the rest of the afternoon. It was obvious that his ideas didn't matter to them. They never stopped to ask him what he wanted to do. His feelings were hurt once again. He regretted ever agreeing to this lunch date. It was a bad idea from the start. Did he really believe that something good was going to come out of this? Somewhere along the lines of Amy scolding Bright on being more sensitive and Colin's argument on Ephram-friendly movies was the straw that broke the camel's back.
"Stop it!" Ephram finally yelled. "I can't stand this anymore."
"Ephram, we don't mean to upset you." Amy gasped.
"Do you even hear yourselves talk? Hello - I'm right here!!! All of you treat me like I'm invisible. Just because my legs don't work, it doesn't mean I'm brain dead. Did it ever occur to any of you that I could speak for myself? Stop speaking for me and treating me like a fucking retard. I don't need you to baby me like I'm not capable of doing things by myself. It's bad enough people stare at me because I'm like this." Ephram squeezed his knee. His tempered yelling caught a few stares from several people at a nearby table.
"Calm down. We only want what's best for you." Amy replied and reached out to touch Ephram's arm only he pulled it away.
"What's best for me? Or what's best for you? I think I get it. Obviously my opinions don't count. Cause if they did, you would've asked me - unless you're all just too shy to tell me the truth. Are you afraid to be seen with me in public? Maybe I'll embarrass you. Is that it? Well, don't worry your pretty heads off because it's not going to happen. The last thing I want to do is ruin your perfect reputations and be seen with a pathetic handicap like me." Ephram lashed. He dug in his pocket and pulled out a handful of dollar bills. Shocked, Amy, Colin, and Bright sat in silence not knowing what to say to their angry friend. Slamming the money on the table, Ephram said, "That should cover my share of the lunch."
"Ephram - where are you going?" Amy called while watching an infuriated Ephram grab the handrim of his wheelchair in attempt to maneuver around the obstacle of chairs that were in his way.
"Come back here Ephram. It's not what you think. You don't embarrass us. We just want to help you. Maybe we care a little too much and it can be smothering. We're sorry." Colin said.
"Don't apologize. I don't need your charity. Just leave me alone. Who needs you anyway!" Ephram managed to wheel himself out the doors and onto the street. He fought the tears but they always seem to win at the end. Even his tears had power over him.
'Why can't they just treat me like a normal human being and drop the protective act?!' Ephram thought with tears in his eyes.
He cried silently for a few minutes before sobering up to call his father on the cell phone to come pick him up.
*** Going Home ***
The car ride home was quiet and uneventful. Andy thought it peculiar that Ephram wasn't spending the rest of the afternoon with his friends. Andy discretely inquired about it, but Ephram said it was partly because there had been a slight change of plans and that he was tired.
Andy asked him if there was anything he wanted to get off his chest but the prompt answer from the boy was no. Another series of plain "yes", "no", and "nothing much" answers to all of Andy's superficial questions indicated something was indeed bugging his son. At first, he thought it had to do with the irrational fear of riding in motor vehicles but after noticing the far away look in Ephram's eyes, he knew there was something else. He wasn't about to beat it out of him just yet. Andy guessed it had to do with what happened during lunch to make his son retreat into his own world and lock everyone out. Ephram needed cheering up before the sadness grew deeper - Andy knew that much.
Andy suggested they go home and spend the rest of the afternoon watching cable movies - just the two of them. Delia was helping Nina bake cookies at her place so the house would be empty - at least until dinnertime. Ephram's indifferent reply denoted that it was more serious than a mere fall-out with his friends. Andy was determined to find out what was bothering his son.
They had to enter through the back door to escape the hassle of the porch steps. Andy watched Ephram wheel himself into the house. Truth of the matter was he did feel sorry for him - more sorry than anyone could've felt. His heart sank deeper each time he saw his son in that wheelchair struggling to maneuver to and fro. It was so hard to get used to. Andy wanted to cry.
After throwing his keys in the key tray by the door and hanging his jacket up on the coat knob, he headed for the kitchen.
"Hmmm. There has to be popcorn around here somewhere. I think I remember buying some - or maybe that was last month." Andy hunted through the kitchen cabinets for microwave popcorn. "Wow, these cabinets have never looked so empty. I think we need to re-stock them soon." Andy said rubbing his beard as if he stumbled upon an unsolvable problem.
"Ya think?" Ephram replied noting the bare shelves of the cabinet.
"Aha! Nina usually has a pantry filled with food. I'll go borrow some snacks from her. I don't think she'll mind." Andy spoke cheerfully as he walked across the room towards the front door. "Look, why don't you check out the TV Guide and see what movies are on? I'll be right back." Andy added and exited.
Ephram tried to remember the exact location of the TV Guide. He glanced at the coffee table in the living room, the couch, and even the end tables next to the television set. It was nowhere in sight. Finally, he spotted it on the center of the kitchen island. He wheeled himself over and tried to reach for the booklet. It was most difficult trying to grab onto the edge of the TV Guide when seated in a wheelchair. The kitchen island had always been uncommonly tall. Delia still needed a stepping stool to reach anything on that table.
Unsatisfied, he was determined to retrieve the TV Guide by himself. He tried stretching his hand further to reach for it but it didn't work. Barely able to touch the binding, he looked around for an object he could use to poke the book closer to him but there was nothing. Finally, he decided to give the old legs a try.
He lifted his legs off the footrests of his wheelchair and planted his feet on the floor. Grabbing the edge of the swirled gray marble counter of the kitchen island, he hoisted himself carefully from the chair. He pulled his torso onto the counter and shifted the weight off his legs. Obtaining the booklet ultimately marked victory for Ephram. He was thrilled he did something on his own for a change. With the TV Guide curled up in his hand, he lowered his torso to get back in his chair. He was almost sure he succeeded until he lost his balance and his hold onto the counter. The TV Guide flew out of his hands and hit the floor with a smack. He tried to grab onto the hand rests of his wheelchair but his weight caused both him and the wheelchair to tip over with a loud crash.
*** On The Floor ***
Ephram sat huddled against the side of the kitchen crying into balled fists. It was hopeless. He couldn't even do a simple thing like get a dumb booklet from the table. Angry with himself and angry at the cruel world around him, he wanted to disappear. Sobbing out of spite and pity, he failed to realize that his father had returned. Andy had an armful of snacks - Ring Dings, bags of pretzels and chips, a container of cheese balls, jars of different salsas, a box of microwave popcorn, and a bag of tortilla chips clenched between his teeth. He kicked the door close with his heel.
The first thing Andy saw was the overturned wheelchair. The second thing he noticed was Ephram sitting on the floor bawling hysterically. He immediately dropped everything he was holding onto the couch. Andy raced over to where his son sat crying.
"Ephram? What happened? Are you hurt?" He asked wondering how could Ephram fall out of his wheelchair. Ephram kept his fists in his eyes as his cheeks became wetter. "Ephram! What happened to your hand!!" Andy exclaimed noticing signs of swelling and discoloration on the knuckles of Ephram's right hand. He did not get an answer from his son.
"Oh my God, did you do this to yourself?" Andy finally concluded after seeing a small, splinted dent on the side of the kitchen island a few inches from where Ephram sat.
Ephram shook his head slowly and continued sobbing into his fists. "Why did you hurt yourself?" Andy asked softly. He tightly bottled up his raging concern and fear. A heart-wrenching sniffle enough to break a parent's heart escaped Ephram's lips as he sucked in the drippy mucus in his nostrils.
"Ephram, baby, tell me what's wrong." Andy coaxed. "Tell me what made you so sad."
Ephram removed his fists from his eyes. He peered at his father with new tears on the brink of spilling over. Ephram closed his eyes as those tears poured steadily down his cheeks. It was not his intention to break down and cry like an infant in front of the one man whose face was so sturdy and etched in stone that it would take an Armageddon to get him to show any signs of weakness. Ephram knew being a doctor made his father stern and immune to sadness and fear. If anyone has seen it all, it was his father. Andy has been exposed to patient deaths, fatalities, deterioration, life long diseases and other morbid conditions. This had made him strong in spirit and hard in emotion.
"No one understands. They all stare at me and treat me like I'm some kind of helpless freak idiot. It was bad before but it's even worse now."
"Did something happen during lunch?" Andy speculated. Ephram shrugged. "They don't think you're a freak. It just takes time for it all to sink into their heads what you've been through and what you're going through. It's hard for them as it is hard for you." Andy continued and watched his son burst into tears again.
"I'm sorry." Ephram mumbled and hung his head down. He shook his head and covered his eyes with the palms of his hands. "I can't live like this!!" He hollered with a shaky voice.
"I know it's hard but I'm here to help." Andy said.
"Don't you get it?!" Ephram cried. "I will never be able to walk again. I will never walk up a flight of stairs, or walk around the block, or ride my bike to school, or go swim in the lake, or run in the park, or even dance at parties. I can never lead a normal life."
"Now Ephram. You don't know that. Someday, you will be able to do all those things again. You need to believe in yourself."
"It's far too late for that. I've already lost all hope. I'm so empty inside. I can't go on like this - being a nuisance and an inconvenience to everyone around me." Ephram murmured tearfully.
"What?! How could you even think that?!" Andy was shocked at his son's words. "Ephram, you are my son. You pose no inconvenience to me at all. I'm right here by you no matter what."
"Dad, this is not something temporary that'll blow over in a week. I have to rely on you everyday just to function. I can't dress myself without you helping me. I need you to help me transfer myself out of and into my wheelchair everyday. Getting out of bed is always a big challenge. Every time I need to use the bathroom, I need you to help me. I can't even take a bath on my own. You have to constantly carry me up and down the stairs. You have to drive me everywhere because I'm too chicken to ride in anyone else's car. Look, I can't even get the friggin' TV Guide off the table. This is how useless and worthless I am. How much longer can you put up with this? Are you willing to sacrifice your freedom and your job for me?" He blubbered.
"I can't believe what I'm hearing. Don't ever think of yourself as useless or worthless because you're not!! You and Delia are my most valuable possessions. And why are you so worried about my way of life and career? My life means nothing without you and Delia in it. My family is my first priority, not my career. You should know that I would sacrifice everything I have, including my life in a blink of an eye for you and Delia." Andy's heart was chipping away and a tiny lump in his throat was forming.
"No dad, you shouldn't have to stop living because of me. Maybe things are better off if - if - if I wasn't here." Ephram bit his lip as hot tears dripped off his chin and trickled on his jeans.
"NO Ephram. I forbid you to talk that way." Andy reached for Ephram's arm but he pulled away refusing to be touched.
"I've never told you, dad. But when I was pinned under that hunk of metal waiting for someone to rescue me, I prayed to God. Do you want to know what I asked of Him?" Ephram blurted as a hiccup cause from sobbing made his scrawny shoulders convulse. "I was in so much pain, I asked Him to let me die."
"But he didn't. You didn't die, Ephram!" Andy pressed with agitation. "He didn't give up. You didn't give up."
"If I had known I'd end up like this, I would rather have died that night." Ephram bellowed.
"No, you don't mean that!! How could you wish that on yourself?" Andy gasped in horror.
"My body doesn't hurt anymore but my mind still does. If I had died, I would've been free from all pain. Especially the pain I feel now. I should've given up and let go."
"Surely, you didn't let go because something prevented you." Andy's heart crumbled and felt the tears welling behind his eyes.
"Yea. It was you." Ephram wailed. "It was YOU. Something inside told me I couldn't let you go!!! Not so soon. I've lost you once in my life already and just when I'm so close to getting you back, I couldn't lose you again."
"Ephram." Andy breathed.
"But now - I don't know if life is worth living anymore. At least not this way."
"Let me tell you something. You have no idea how scared I was the night of the accident. I really had myself convinced that I lost you when I saw the horrible twisted heap of metal at the bottom of that ridge. I thought to myself - no one could've possibly survived that fall. And when they told me you were alive, you don't know how relieved and happy I was. I almost kissed everyone that came across my path. See, I didn't care about anything else, you were alive and that was the only thing that mattered. I vowed to myself that whatever problems came next we would deal with it together. The main thing was that you pulled through. I love you Ephram. And I will love you no matter what condition you're in. I have a lot to be grateful and thankful for because you're alive. I don't care if you're wheelchair bound for the rest of your life. I am going to help you everyday in any way I can whether you want it or not. You're stuck with me." Andy spoke with glassy eyes.
So full of emotion, Andy pulled Ephram into a tight bear hug. Ephram tried to push away but ended up falling helplessly into his father's warm embrace. Ephram accepted the kisses Andy placed on his son's cheek and forehead. He didn't mind Andy's coarse bearded stubble scratching against his tender skin. He needed so much to be loved by his father that the kisses were comforting.
"Oh dad, I just want the hurting to stop." Ephram sobbed wildly. The tears rippled down his chalky face and onto his father's shoulder. His body shook with each weeping heave.
"I know it hurts, baby. I really do. I would do anything to make your pain go away. Anything. Just tell me what to do sometimes. Even parents need guiding. You're never alone, baby. You've got me, Delia and Nina. We need you." Andy cried and cradled his precious baby in his arms.
"I love you dad. I love you." Ephram swallowed.
"I love you so much, son. Don't ever leave me. OK? Promise me that." Andy bawled. All his tears came forth with a vengeance - like a vicious shower of thunderstorms sweeping across the land. There was no stopping or slowing his emotions. The concrete barriers of weakness he hid so well from his son came crashing down in an instant. He was as naked as a newborn baby. It felt so good to finally let out all the heartbreak and sorrow he felt for his son.
"Promise." Ephram's voice muffled through his father's shirt. He felt his father sobbing uncontrollably. "Dad? You're crying!" Ephram said wide-eyed. Shocked, he pulled away to witness this rare moment. It wasn't that he didn't believe Nina when she told him his father had cried an ocean at the hospital after the accident. He had never actually "seen" his father sob before. "But, you're not supposed to cry." Ephram sniffled.
"Well, what do you know? I'm human after all." Andy wiped his tears with his sleeve. He cupped his hand gently on Ephram's delicate cheek. Andy took a good hard look into Ephram's greenish-gray eyes and noted they were swollen and masked with bloodshot from the crying. Ephram's thin lips trembled and chin quivered as two crystal clear droplets of tears slid onto Andy's fingertips. "Oh Ephram, what can I do to make you happy again?"
"Dad - " Another hiccup shook his frail body. "Just hold me!! Hold me!!"
Andy wrapped his strong burly arms around Ephram's small frame. They both sat there on the middle of the floor bawling into each other's arms for as long as they needed or until they cried their eyes dry.
"You ok now?" Andy said after noticing Ephram calming down. "Better?"
"Yea. You?" Ephram wiped his nose with his sleeves.
"I'm good too. How about we do something about that now?" Andy nodded to the puffy red bulge developing on Ephram's right hand. "Doesn't look broken. It's badly bruised though." Andy declared after studying Ephram's knuckles. "Let's put some ice on it to get the swelling down."
Andy carried Ephram to the couch and fixed the wheelchair. He handed the TV Guide to the boy, told him to see what's good and headed to the kitchen. Ephram watched his father busy cracking ice from the ice tray and putting the cubes into a towel. He was sorry for putting his father through his pain. This treacherous pain Ephram felt appeared to fade for the moment. But there were so many days ahead that this insidious pain might somehow return to haunt the boy when he least expected it.
* end of chapter 6 *
Author's Note: There's more where this came from!! Stay tuned & Thanks for reading!!
Chapter 6: No One Understands Me
He finally released his anguish and frustration by letting out an eardrum- piercing, monstrous shriek that was so thunderously deafening it may as well have resonated through entire Everwood. He looked grimly at the spinning chrome wheel of his overturned wheelchair a few feet from where he helplessly sat. Blinding anger filled up every inch of his body. The tips of his ears redden and he felt steam radiating off the top of his head. Still huffing in his fury, he managed to drag his body over to the nearest structure and prop himself up against the kitchen island. He ended his raging torment by ramming his right fist into the maple wood siding. Ephram was fuming with such explosive anger, like mercury rising, that he failed to register the immediate pain as the bones of his knuckles came into contact with the hard surface. It took him a few seconds to feel the throbbing in his hand.
"Fucking wheelchair!!!!" Ephram hollered wildly at the contraption on the floor as he shook out his hand. He didn't know whether he was madder at himself or at his wheelchair. But one thing was for sure, he just learned it was easier and less painful to direct anger towards a defenseless, material item than at ones self. Glaring at the wheelchair, he wanted to throw it out the window. It stood capsized yet silently mocked him. This only made his blood boil faster.
His father made it necessary to purchase the most compact, stylish, and contemporary wheelchair he could find on the market. It was an iGlide model. Apparently, this wheelchair was on the cutting-edge of wheelchair technology. With its black leather back-supporting seat and titanium frame, it made for the lightest, most efficient and versatile wheelchair available. This wasn't your bulky conventional manual wheelchair. This one had features that propelled you further and tackled a variety of tough terrains with a simple push of the handrim. The iGlide had a sensor that calculated the difference between the effort used on the handrim and the force needed to propel the chair over a certain terrain, like grass or carpet. Hence, with one push, the system automatically adjusts to the surface changes with the same effort. Andy was more enthusiastic about introducing this device than Ephram was at receiving it. Andy personally demonstrated the unique characteristics of the chair and even tested it out himself before handing it over to Ephram. Of all the splendid features Andy described, Ephram was unimpressed and disinterested. He knew his father was only trying to be supportive and show his sensitivity to this wheelchair stuff. Somehow, Ephram didn't think a cool state-of-the-art wheelchair was going to help his situation. The only thing that could make him feel 100% better was to walk again.
In his self-pity and despair, he knotted his fists, dug them into his watery eyes and sobbed. He felt completely miserable - like there was not a soul in the world who would understand his grief and lament. His right knuckles started to pulsate and swell but he ignored the pain. Ever since the release from the hospital, everyone treated him differently. Once the news spread about his horrible suffering, everyone wanted to help and be his friend. Adjusting to his newfound fame was something he had trouble adapting to. He was no longer the boy in the shadows - the outcast. On the contrary, most people automatically accepted him. Disappearing into the woodwork became a thing of the past. Negative popularity was all he had ever known since his family moved to Everwood. He was not used to the sudden celebrity status nor was he ready for any sort of kindness from these people. Rejection and denial was Ephram's only familiar territory. That dark rain cloud looming over his head was something he dealt with everyday. Being eyed with disgust and picked on at school was normality. He was used to it. They all judged his character without a fair trial. No one cared who he was and he liked it that way. He was the outsider - always have been and always will be. He can never mutate into "one of them."
Surely, there were still those who pointed and whispered curiously behind his back. Ephram imagined with scorn what they said about him. 'There goes the new kid in his wheelchair.' 'Must be awful waking up everyday and realize you can't even walk to the bathroom.' 'Have you ever seen a more wretched sight than watching him wheel around like that?' Nobody ever knew him by name. Everyone referred to him as "The stuck-up kid from New York" or "The city freak." It became even worse with the wheelchair, which made him look even more pathetic. Not only did strangers started calling him by name now, they talked to him and wanted to know how he was doing. He loathed the attention. Deep down inside, he knew they were just trying to score some good deed points to earn them a spot in heaven. There were a lot of guilty consciences in this small town. 'Be nice to the kid in the wheelchair' and 'Cut the handicapped kid some slack' became Everwood rules - at least Ephram felt that way. He didn't want anyone to feel like they owed him something.
No one knew the intense pain and sorrow that curtained his mind. They all seemed like they cared but he was just a heavy burden that everyone had to put up with because he wasn't capable of doing things himself. The big salty droplets of tears streamed down his eyes and he wailed harder thinking this very thought. How did it come to this deep melancholy moment when he doubted being understood by those around him? What sharp object punctured his heart so deeply to make it bleed at such a rapid pace? What caused his spirit to break and every last ounce of hope gone?
*** What Happened At Shimmy's ***
Ephram needed to be with friends. Andy decided his son needed to be around people his age again. At first, Ephram was reluctant to give society a try but Andy and Nina talked him into it. They thought it would be good for the boy to get out more and get used to traveling in his wheelchair. Ephram agreed to have lunch with Amy and Colin at Shimmy's, which was Everwood's poor excuse for a burger joint. Shimmy's was one part teenage hangout and one part lounge - both separated by a wooden beaded corridor. It was loud and almost always swarming with unruly teenagers - especially after school hours on weekdays. It definitely wasn't the quality of the greasy food that lured the kids in - it was the mini arcade in the rear. The food was neither amazingly great nor terribly bad. The teen crowd didn't seem to complain - but then again, they've obviously never had a burger from Big Nick's Burger Joint on the upper west side.
Ephram arrived early and patiently waited for his lunch buddies. Andy had dropped him off at the restaurant. He felt a bit uneasy leaving his son alone but he figured he had to give the kid space to grow. Besides, Ephram seemed ok about seeing his two friends.
Promptly at 12 noon, Amy and Colin sashayed fashionably through the front doors - he in his red and yellow letterman jacket and she in a dainty pale blue V-neck knit sweater. They appeared perfect for each other. It was kind of like in those chick flicks where the popular and beautiful cheerleader dated the school's top jock captain of the football team. And to think Ephram had half a chance with a girl like that. Look at whom he was up against. Colin was everything Ephram was not. He was tall, handsome, hefty, sports driven, everyone loved him, and had a pretty girl in his arms.
They easily spotted Ephram at a table by the window. With the wheelchair, it was hard not to spot Ephram from a crowded room. Colin nodded amiably to some friends as the twosome made their way to Ephram's table. Colin and Amy exchanged greetings with Ephram and took their seats. It was awkward just having them stare at him with a thousand questions beaming in their eyes but didn't ask because they were afraid to. Ephram was never good at striking up conversations. He was the reticent one. But once the floor opened up for discussions, they talked casually about the weather, new movies they saw and wanted to see, the latest cool video game, and school gossip. For a split second, Ephram thought things were taking a step forward - until a lost for words shifted the subject matter onto Ephram. Colin finally asked about how rehab was going. Amy kicked Colin in the shin under the table so hard he yelped in pain and shot a what-did-you-do-that- for look at Amy. She gave Colin a mean pout that told him it was an inappropriate question to ask.
Amy and Colin were told to treat Ephram like how they would normally treat him. It was complicated enough for the boy to adjust to his new surroundings. He didn't need people reminding him that he's different. But it was easier said than done. The wheelchair was like a big neon sign that blinked "Look at me. Look at me." It was hard not to stare and think how his entire life changed because of one unfortunate incident. It was hard to not feel sympathy and sorrow for him. And it was hard not to wonder what he was thinking and how this affected his frame of mind. They wanted to help - maybe a little too much.
"Let's look at the menu." Amy changed the subject before Ephram could answer Colin's question regarding rehab. She grabbed a plastic covered menu from the salt and pepper caddy on their table. "What looks good Ephram?" She added while browsing through it.
Ephram didn't know why she was asking him that question. It's not like they've never eaten at this place before. Everyone knows the menu backwards and forwards. Who needs to look at a menu? Ephram watched Amy biting her glossy lip as she thoroughly read the menu like it was the first time she'd ever seen it. At this point, Colin also followed Amy's lead in burying his head into a menu.
"Um, a cheeseburger?" Ephram replied wisely without budging. "It's a burger joint remember?"
"Right. A cheeseburger it is then. Sounds good, I think I'll have one too." Colin agreed. "Grover?" He turned to Amy.
"Yea, what a great choice! Count me in." Amy marveled like Ephram's just picked a grade A sirloin steak.
'This is too weird. Do they think this is a five star restaurant?' Ephram thought.
"To drink, I would like to try a sparkling brown Coke on the rocks with a twist of lemon. I hear 2003 is a very good year. And make it extra bubbly, old chap." Ephram said in his best stuffy English butler accent. But they didn't catch his humor. They only looked at him in confusion.
The waiter came by to take their order. Amy spoke first, then Colin. When it was Ephram's turn to order, Amy did the favor of speaking for him.
"He'll have a cheeseburger and a Coke with lemon." Amy said staring at the waiter. The waiter scribbled their order on his note pad and asked if they would like fries with their meal. Amy and Colin answered for themselves. Ephram was about to say yes to the waiter when Amy spoke for him again. "Yes, Ephram will have fries as well."
While waiting for their food, they took turns trying to consistently pelt a medley of trivial questions at Ephram. 'Has he heard the hot new Eminem song?' 'Did he see the outrageous outfit Christina Aguilera wore to the Teen Choice Awards on TV - like, what was she thinking?' 'When was the last time he tasted a really good slice of pizza?' 'How was Delia?' 'Did he hear about the Broncos making it to the playoffs and may actually have a good shot at winning the super bowl (not bad for a Denver-based team)?' 'Has he got the latest chapter of Sixgun yet and if so, what was it about?'
Sixgun??? And since when were either of them into hypercomics?! Did they even know the meaning of a hypercomic??? Ephram doubted their knowledge of the obscure term but he was polite and gave them a spiel about the latest chapter. It was so obvious they were desperate to make conversation with him to keep their minds off the fact that Ephram was confined to a wheelchair. To Ephram, their questions and subject matters seemed too well rehearsed and filtered - like they had gone over the do's and don'ts of what to say ahead of time. Ephram was disappointed that none of the questions they projected were about his current condition or about his legs. It would've been nice to get that all out in the open so it didn't have to be so awkward. Amy and Colin thought avoiding the subject helped the situation but on the contrary, it made things worse for young Ephram. When the tough stuff happens, you can't act like an ostrich and stick your head in the sand and hope all your problems will go away. You have to face the music - so-to-speak. He wished they would just ask him once and for all whatever they wanted, especially since they were dying to know everything anyway.
They ate their food and the talking was lowered to a minimum. "Napkins. I need more napkins." Ephram finally broke the silence. "I'm such a messy eater." He said admiring the melted cheese between his fingers. He was about to hail a nearby waiter when it happened again. Only this time, it was Colin.
"Yo! Waiter!" Colin snapped his fingers to summon the waiter. "Napkins for my friend here please."
Even still, Ephram ignored the emotionally choking services his two friends had unnecessarily provided him. Perhaps they were just overprotective. The remainder of the meal was eaten in silence with the occasional praising of the crispiness of the fries or the thirst quenching abilities of their cold drinks.
Just when things couldn't get more interesting, Bright wandered into the restaurant sporting his letterman jacket with pride. The jacket gave him a big ego. He even had that little sway in his walk kind of like the way John Travolta had in "Grease." Spotting Colin out of the crowded room, he approached the table. Bright grabbed a chair, spun it around and sat on it backwards. Seated between Ephram and Colin, he rested his elbows on the back of his chair.
"Hey kids." Bright greeted his friends. He then eyed Ephram and nodded in his direction. "Awesome wheels. Very cool." He complimented while checking out Ephram's shiny new wheelchair.
"Bright!" Amy said through clenched teeth. She shot an evil glance at her brother before Ephram could reply.
"What?! It IS a nice set of wheels. Must've cost one pretty penny though, huh squirt?" Bright nudged Ephram with his elbow in a friendly manner. The thing with Bright was that he never called Ephram by name. Ephram always wondered why. Was it because he couldn't pronounce it, or what? He always called him Squirt or Kid or Brown or some other nickname he could conjure up.
"Bright, what's the matter with you?!" Amy gasped at her brother's outburst. Ephram found it amusing to watch Amy's face redden with anger.
"I say something wrong?" Bright questioned candidly. He had a habit of thinking aloud. He looked uncomfortably around the table at the appalled faces of his sister and best friend.
'Geez, why is the wheelchair thing such a touchy subject?!' Ephram wondered.
"So - Kid. Um -" Bright searched for words. He finally thought of something
meaningful to ask, or at least so he thought. "You still play the piano?"
"Sort of. I realized I can't play the pieces too well because I can't use the foot pedals. It's a leg problem." Ephram said.
"Bright!!" Amy warned.
"Oh! I forgot about those foot pedals! Tsk, sorry. Must be tough. I know how you feel. Playing basketball means the world to me and if one day I loose that ability, I don't know what I would do." Bright continued ignoring Amy.
"Bright, will you shut up?" Amy yelled.
"Hey, I'm just trying to make conversation." Bright shrugged.
"I'm sorry for dumbo's behavior. I don't know what got into him." Amy apologized to Ephram for Bright's actions. "He always puts his foot in his mouth." She immediately flushed a deep shade of pink upon realizing what she just said. "Uh, I didn't mean to say that. What I meant was -"
"It's ok. No pun intended." Ephram cut in. He was getting tired of everyone pretending like the wheelchair was invisible when it was the only thing that they thought about.
"No, really, I'm sorry." Amy insisted as she craved for his forgiveness. She looked like she was going to burst into tears.
"I said it's ok. Don't worry about it." Ephram pardoned. He wished she wouldn't act so strange.
"So, what do you guys want to do after lunch?" Colin asked.
"There's this place a few miles from Englewood called The Ramp. It's an outdoor skateboarding arena and there's a competition going on today. I thought it'd be fun to watch'em do tricks on their skateboards. It's about a 20 minute drive. We can all fit into my pickup. Colin can always ride in the back." Bright offered.
"Sounds cool but I don't know if that's such a great idea. Ephram's a little shaky when it comes to other people driving." Colin hinted regarding Ephram's emotional state.
"Fine. Since you're always so full of great ideas, why don't you enlighten me." Bright retorted.
"Um, I dunno - we could go to the park?" Colin scratched his head.
"Yea, and do what there? Shoot hoops while the kid watches us bored out of his skull?!" Bright replied.
"Hey, the mall's always fun and within walking distance." Amy suggested while playing with the straw in her glass.
"Again?!" Colin and Bright said in unison.
"We've gone to the mall for the past three days. There's nothing to do there but shop." Bright whined. "Besides, it's a Saturday - you know it's going to be packed."
"If you really think about it, the mall was created for girls, not guys. Unless you're a guy trying to meet girls then that's a different story." Colin rambled.
"OK. Focus here, Colin. You're straying from the subject." Amy said.
"I know!! Let's go to the movies!! The Hulk is playing at the Fiveplex. I've already seen it but I swear Colin, there is a guy in that movie that looks just like you!!!" Bright exclaimed. "I mean, he could be a dead- ringer for your twin! You gotta check it out. What do you say?"
"Hmm. I don't know." Amy replied. "Any other options?"
"The theater IS wheelchair accessible, you know." Bright added.
"Bright - will you cut it out? Don't you think we know that?!" Amy raised her voice. "Think before you open your mouth."
Completely left out of the discussion, Ephram watched the three continue to argue amongst themselves on the perfect hangout for the rest of the afternoon. It was obvious that his ideas didn't matter to them. They never stopped to ask him what he wanted to do. His feelings were hurt once again. He regretted ever agreeing to this lunch date. It was a bad idea from the start. Did he really believe that something good was going to come out of this? Somewhere along the lines of Amy scolding Bright on being more sensitive and Colin's argument on Ephram-friendly movies was the straw that broke the camel's back.
"Stop it!" Ephram finally yelled. "I can't stand this anymore."
"Ephram, we don't mean to upset you." Amy gasped.
"Do you even hear yourselves talk? Hello - I'm right here!!! All of you treat me like I'm invisible. Just because my legs don't work, it doesn't mean I'm brain dead. Did it ever occur to any of you that I could speak for myself? Stop speaking for me and treating me like a fucking retard. I don't need you to baby me like I'm not capable of doing things by myself. It's bad enough people stare at me because I'm like this." Ephram squeezed his knee. His tempered yelling caught a few stares from several people at a nearby table.
"Calm down. We only want what's best for you." Amy replied and reached out to touch Ephram's arm only he pulled it away.
"What's best for me? Or what's best for you? I think I get it. Obviously my opinions don't count. Cause if they did, you would've asked me - unless you're all just too shy to tell me the truth. Are you afraid to be seen with me in public? Maybe I'll embarrass you. Is that it? Well, don't worry your pretty heads off because it's not going to happen. The last thing I want to do is ruin your perfect reputations and be seen with a pathetic handicap like me." Ephram lashed. He dug in his pocket and pulled out a handful of dollar bills. Shocked, Amy, Colin, and Bright sat in silence not knowing what to say to their angry friend. Slamming the money on the table, Ephram said, "That should cover my share of the lunch."
"Ephram - where are you going?" Amy called while watching an infuriated Ephram grab the handrim of his wheelchair in attempt to maneuver around the obstacle of chairs that were in his way.
"Come back here Ephram. It's not what you think. You don't embarrass us. We just want to help you. Maybe we care a little too much and it can be smothering. We're sorry." Colin said.
"Don't apologize. I don't need your charity. Just leave me alone. Who needs you anyway!" Ephram managed to wheel himself out the doors and onto the street. He fought the tears but they always seem to win at the end. Even his tears had power over him.
'Why can't they just treat me like a normal human being and drop the protective act?!' Ephram thought with tears in his eyes.
He cried silently for a few minutes before sobering up to call his father on the cell phone to come pick him up.
*** Going Home ***
The car ride home was quiet and uneventful. Andy thought it peculiar that Ephram wasn't spending the rest of the afternoon with his friends. Andy discretely inquired about it, but Ephram said it was partly because there had been a slight change of plans and that he was tired.
Andy asked him if there was anything he wanted to get off his chest but the prompt answer from the boy was no. Another series of plain "yes", "no", and "nothing much" answers to all of Andy's superficial questions indicated something was indeed bugging his son. At first, he thought it had to do with the irrational fear of riding in motor vehicles but after noticing the far away look in Ephram's eyes, he knew there was something else. He wasn't about to beat it out of him just yet. Andy guessed it had to do with what happened during lunch to make his son retreat into his own world and lock everyone out. Ephram needed cheering up before the sadness grew deeper - Andy knew that much.
Andy suggested they go home and spend the rest of the afternoon watching cable movies - just the two of them. Delia was helping Nina bake cookies at her place so the house would be empty - at least until dinnertime. Ephram's indifferent reply denoted that it was more serious than a mere fall-out with his friends. Andy was determined to find out what was bothering his son.
They had to enter through the back door to escape the hassle of the porch steps. Andy watched Ephram wheel himself into the house. Truth of the matter was he did feel sorry for him - more sorry than anyone could've felt. His heart sank deeper each time he saw his son in that wheelchair struggling to maneuver to and fro. It was so hard to get used to. Andy wanted to cry.
After throwing his keys in the key tray by the door and hanging his jacket up on the coat knob, he headed for the kitchen.
"Hmmm. There has to be popcorn around here somewhere. I think I remember buying some - or maybe that was last month." Andy hunted through the kitchen cabinets for microwave popcorn. "Wow, these cabinets have never looked so empty. I think we need to re-stock them soon." Andy said rubbing his beard as if he stumbled upon an unsolvable problem.
"Ya think?" Ephram replied noting the bare shelves of the cabinet.
"Aha! Nina usually has a pantry filled with food. I'll go borrow some snacks from her. I don't think she'll mind." Andy spoke cheerfully as he walked across the room towards the front door. "Look, why don't you check out the TV Guide and see what movies are on? I'll be right back." Andy added and exited.
Ephram tried to remember the exact location of the TV Guide. He glanced at the coffee table in the living room, the couch, and even the end tables next to the television set. It was nowhere in sight. Finally, he spotted it on the center of the kitchen island. He wheeled himself over and tried to reach for the booklet. It was most difficult trying to grab onto the edge of the TV Guide when seated in a wheelchair. The kitchen island had always been uncommonly tall. Delia still needed a stepping stool to reach anything on that table.
Unsatisfied, he was determined to retrieve the TV Guide by himself. He tried stretching his hand further to reach for it but it didn't work. Barely able to touch the binding, he looked around for an object he could use to poke the book closer to him but there was nothing. Finally, he decided to give the old legs a try.
He lifted his legs off the footrests of his wheelchair and planted his feet on the floor. Grabbing the edge of the swirled gray marble counter of the kitchen island, he hoisted himself carefully from the chair. He pulled his torso onto the counter and shifted the weight off his legs. Obtaining the booklet ultimately marked victory for Ephram. He was thrilled he did something on his own for a change. With the TV Guide curled up in his hand, he lowered his torso to get back in his chair. He was almost sure he succeeded until he lost his balance and his hold onto the counter. The TV Guide flew out of his hands and hit the floor with a smack. He tried to grab onto the hand rests of his wheelchair but his weight caused both him and the wheelchair to tip over with a loud crash.
*** On The Floor ***
Ephram sat huddled against the side of the kitchen crying into balled fists. It was hopeless. He couldn't even do a simple thing like get a dumb booklet from the table. Angry with himself and angry at the cruel world around him, he wanted to disappear. Sobbing out of spite and pity, he failed to realize that his father had returned. Andy had an armful of snacks - Ring Dings, bags of pretzels and chips, a container of cheese balls, jars of different salsas, a box of microwave popcorn, and a bag of tortilla chips clenched between his teeth. He kicked the door close with his heel.
The first thing Andy saw was the overturned wheelchair. The second thing he noticed was Ephram sitting on the floor bawling hysterically. He immediately dropped everything he was holding onto the couch. Andy raced over to where his son sat crying.
"Ephram? What happened? Are you hurt?" He asked wondering how could Ephram fall out of his wheelchair. Ephram kept his fists in his eyes as his cheeks became wetter. "Ephram! What happened to your hand!!" Andy exclaimed noticing signs of swelling and discoloration on the knuckles of Ephram's right hand. He did not get an answer from his son.
"Oh my God, did you do this to yourself?" Andy finally concluded after seeing a small, splinted dent on the side of the kitchen island a few inches from where Ephram sat.
Ephram shook his head slowly and continued sobbing into his fists. "Why did you hurt yourself?" Andy asked softly. He tightly bottled up his raging concern and fear. A heart-wrenching sniffle enough to break a parent's heart escaped Ephram's lips as he sucked in the drippy mucus in his nostrils.
"Ephram, baby, tell me what's wrong." Andy coaxed. "Tell me what made you so sad."
Ephram removed his fists from his eyes. He peered at his father with new tears on the brink of spilling over. Ephram closed his eyes as those tears poured steadily down his cheeks. It was not his intention to break down and cry like an infant in front of the one man whose face was so sturdy and etched in stone that it would take an Armageddon to get him to show any signs of weakness. Ephram knew being a doctor made his father stern and immune to sadness and fear. If anyone has seen it all, it was his father. Andy has been exposed to patient deaths, fatalities, deterioration, life long diseases and other morbid conditions. This had made him strong in spirit and hard in emotion.
"No one understands. They all stare at me and treat me like I'm some kind of helpless freak idiot. It was bad before but it's even worse now."
"Did something happen during lunch?" Andy speculated. Ephram shrugged. "They don't think you're a freak. It just takes time for it all to sink into their heads what you've been through and what you're going through. It's hard for them as it is hard for you." Andy continued and watched his son burst into tears again.
"I'm sorry." Ephram mumbled and hung his head down. He shook his head and covered his eyes with the palms of his hands. "I can't live like this!!" He hollered with a shaky voice.
"I know it's hard but I'm here to help." Andy said.
"Don't you get it?!" Ephram cried. "I will never be able to walk again. I will never walk up a flight of stairs, or walk around the block, or ride my bike to school, or go swim in the lake, or run in the park, or even dance at parties. I can never lead a normal life."
"Now Ephram. You don't know that. Someday, you will be able to do all those things again. You need to believe in yourself."
"It's far too late for that. I've already lost all hope. I'm so empty inside. I can't go on like this - being a nuisance and an inconvenience to everyone around me." Ephram murmured tearfully.
"What?! How could you even think that?!" Andy was shocked at his son's words. "Ephram, you are my son. You pose no inconvenience to me at all. I'm right here by you no matter what."
"Dad, this is not something temporary that'll blow over in a week. I have to rely on you everyday just to function. I can't dress myself without you helping me. I need you to help me transfer myself out of and into my wheelchair everyday. Getting out of bed is always a big challenge. Every time I need to use the bathroom, I need you to help me. I can't even take a bath on my own. You have to constantly carry me up and down the stairs. You have to drive me everywhere because I'm too chicken to ride in anyone else's car. Look, I can't even get the friggin' TV Guide off the table. This is how useless and worthless I am. How much longer can you put up with this? Are you willing to sacrifice your freedom and your job for me?" He blubbered.
"I can't believe what I'm hearing. Don't ever think of yourself as useless or worthless because you're not!! You and Delia are my most valuable possessions. And why are you so worried about my way of life and career? My life means nothing without you and Delia in it. My family is my first priority, not my career. You should know that I would sacrifice everything I have, including my life in a blink of an eye for you and Delia." Andy's heart was chipping away and a tiny lump in his throat was forming.
"No dad, you shouldn't have to stop living because of me. Maybe things are better off if - if - if I wasn't here." Ephram bit his lip as hot tears dripped off his chin and trickled on his jeans.
"NO Ephram. I forbid you to talk that way." Andy reached for Ephram's arm but he pulled away refusing to be touched.
"I've never told you, dad. But when I was pinned under that hunk of metal waiting for someone to rescue me, I prayed to God. Do you want to know what I asked of Him?" Ephram blurted as a hiccup cause from sobbing made his scrawny shoulders convulse. "I was in so much pain, I asked Him to let me die."
"But he didn't. You didn't die, Ephram!" Andy pressed with agitation. "He didn't give up. You didn't give up."
"If I had known I'd end up like this, I would rather have died that night." Ephram bellowed.
"No, you don't mean that!! How could you wish that on yourself?" Andy gasped in horror.
"My body doesn't hurt anymore but my mind still does. If I had died, I would've been free from all pain. Especially the pain I feel now. I should've given up and let go."
"Surely, you didn't let go because something prevented you." Andy's heart crumbled and felt the tears welling behind his eyes.
"Yea. It was you." Ephram wailed. "It was YOU. Something inside told me I couldn't let you go!!! Not so soon. I've lost you once in my life already and just when I'm so close to getting you back, I couldn't lose you again."
"Ephram." Andy breathed.
"But now - I don't know if life is worth living anymore. At least not this way."
"Let me tell you something. You have no idea how scared I was the night of the accident. I really had myself convinced that I lost you when I saw the horrible twisted heap of metal at the bottom of that ridge. I thought to myself - no one could've possibly survived that fall. And when they told me you were alive, you don't know how relieved and happy I was. I almost kissed everyone that came across my path. See, I didn't care about anything else, you were alive and that was the only thing that mattered. I vowed to myself that whatever problems came next we would deal with it together. The main thing was that you pulled through. I love you Ephram. And I will love you no matter what condition you're in. I have a lot to be grateful and thankful for because you're alive. I don't care if you're wheelchair bound for the rest of your life. I am going to help you everyday in any way I can whether you want it or not. You're stuck with me." Andy spoke with glassy eyes.
So full of emotion, Andy pulled Ephram into a tight bear hug. Ephram tried to push away but ended up falling helplessly into his father's warm embrace. Ephram accepted the kisses Andy placed on his son's cheek and forehead. He didn't mind Andy's coarse bearded stubble scratching against his tender skin. He needed so much to be loved by his father that the kisses were comforting.
"Oh dad, I just want the hurting to stop." Ephram sobbed wildly. The tears rippled down his chalky face and onto his father's shoulder. His body shook with each weeping heave.
"I know it hurts, baby. I really do. I would do anything to make your pain go away. Anything. Just tell me what to do sometimes. Even parents need guiding. You're never alone, baby. You've got me, Delia and Nina. We need you." Andy cried and cradled his precious baby in his arms.
"I love you dad. I love you." Ephram swallowed.
"I love you so much, son. Don't ever leave me. OK? Promise me that." Andy bawled. All his tears came forth with a vengeance - like a vicious shower of thunderstorms sweeping across the land. There was no stopping or slowing his emotions. The concrete barriers of weakness he hid so well from his son came crashing down in an instant. He was as naked as a newborn baby. It felt so good to finally let out all the heartbreak and sorrow he felt for his son.
"Promise." Ephram's voice muffled through his father's shirt. He felt his father sobbing uncontrollably. "Dad? You're crying!" Ephram said wide-eyed. Shocked, he pulled away to witness this rare moment. It wasn't that he didn't believe Nina when she told him his father had cried an ocean at the hospital after the accident. He had never actually "seen" his father sob before. "But, you're not supposed to cry." Ephram sniffled.
"Well, what do you know? I'm human after all." Andy wiped his tears with his sleeve. He cupped his hand gently on Ephram's delicate cheek. Andy took a good hard look into Ephram's greenish-gray eyes and noted they were swollen and masked with bloodshot from the crying. Ephram's thin lips trembled and chin quivered as two crystal clear droplets of tears slid onto Andy's fingertips. "Oh Ephram, what can I do to make you happy again?"
"Dad - " Another hiccup shook his frail body. "Just hold me!! Hold me!!"
Andy wrapped his strong burly arms around Ephram's small frame. They both sat there on the middle of the floor bawling into each other's arms for as long as they needed or until they cried their eyes dry.
"You ok now?" Andy said after noticing Ephram calming down. "Better?"
"Yea. You?" Ephram wiped his nose with his sleeves.
"I'm good too. How about we do something about that now?" Andy nodded to the puffy red bulge developing on Ephram's right hand. "Doesn't look broken. It's badly bruised though." Andy declared after studying Ephram's knuckles. "Let's put some ice on it to get the swelling down."
Andy carried Ephram to the couch and fixed the wheelchair. He handed the TV Guide to the boy, told him to see what's good and headed to the kitchen. Ephram watched his father busy cracking ice from the ice tray and putting the cubes into a towel. He was sorry for putting his father through his pain. This treacherous pain Ephram felt appeared to fade for the moment. But there were so many days ahead that this insidious pain might somehow return to haunt the boy when he least expected it.
* end of chapter 6 *
Author's Note: There's more where this came from!! Stay tuned & Thanks for reading!!