(It'll get worse -- )
Chapter 7: On Thin Ice: Self-Destruction
"Lucy, I'm home!" Andy exclaimed loudly doing a terrible rendition of a Ricky Ricardo imitation as he came through the front door of his house. Always trying to be funny, Andy couldn't resist it when he opened the door to find Nina's silhouette sitting on the couch watching TV in the semi- darkened room. The volume had been minimized and the soft flicker of the images gave the room specks of light.
"Shhhh!" Nina hushed as she cocked her head and pointed to the bundle of blanket nestled under her arm. "He's sleeping." She whispered. "Close the door. You're letting the cold air in." She fussed. Andy obeyed and shut the door softly.
Venturing forward, he saw a sleeping Ephram snuggled up next to Nina wrapped in a large quilted blanket. The enormous blanket protected and enveloped the boy's small frame. Except for a few strands of disheveled hair sticking out of the end of the puffy comforter, his head was barely visible. The tips of the cozy blanket rolled onto the rug pass his feet. Ephram's left arm draped loosely over Nina's waist and his right temple rested comfortably against her collarbone. His cheek had a tint of blush stemming from the warmth of the blanket. Not stirring once, Ephram looked completely relaxed and deep in sleep.
"Aw!! How sweet." Andy commented on Ephram's angelic demeanor. He took his coat off and tossed it on the recliner. "Where are the munchkins?"
"They're in Delia's room. Delia's finishing up her homework and Sam's quietly playing with Delia's Lego set."
"What're you watching?" He nodded to the television.
"Oh, it's Ricki Lake. Today's subject is Women With Boyfriends Who Have Kinky Obsessive Compulsive Sexual Desires." Nina replied.
"How interesting." Andy murmured ironically. "I can't believe Ephram fell asleep during this."
"He's had a long and debilitating day. I wouldn't be surprised if he slept through a symphony of chain saws and jackhammers." Nina still held Ephram protectively in her arm. "Marla came this morning and they went through a vigorous recovery workout trying to rehabilitate those muscles in his legs and joints."
"Bravest kid I know." Andy admired as he watched the boy.
"Yea, he's my hero." Nina agreed. "You're home early. I didn't expect you back for another hour." She turned her attention to Andy.
"I know. Ephram's been on my mind a lot lately and it's starting to affect my work. Today, I almost prescribed Mrs. Farthing Hytrin instead of Glucosamine Sulfate for her Osteoarthritis. Hytrin is Prostate medication." Andy explained. Nina chuckled lightly at Andy's absentmindedness. "Sure, it may be funny now but it was a good thing I caught the error when I did. I thought I could handle myself going back to work even if it was only twice a week, but I'm just fooling myself. I constantly worry about Ephram. I mean, don't get me wrong, I do trust you looking after my kids. But I wish I could be here for him all the time. Of course, Edna saw right through me and sent me home."
"Hey, are you hungry? There's some chocolate chip cookies left from snack time. I'll make us some coffee." She suggested while clicking the television off with the remote. There was something crucial she needed to inform Andy.
"Sounds good." Andy replied. "How long has he been asleep?"
"About half hour or so." Nina said as she removed Ephram's arm from her waist and gently set his upper body onto the couch. He stirred when Nina laid his head onto a cushion.
"Momma." Ephram incoherently grumbled in his exhausted sleep.
"Just getting you more comfortable honey." Nina whispered. Without opening his eyes, Ephram dug his face into the soft cushion and sighed tiredly before falling back into his restful sleep. "He's so precious." Nina said to Andy.
Andy swung Ephram's legs up onto the couch slowly and recovered the quilt over his son's body. He pulled the end of the blanket to Ephram's shoulder and stared at his son for a minute. Thinking how perfect he looked, Andy couldn't resist a touch. He reached out a hand and tenderly stroked his son's hair. His hair was silky smooth and cleansed of gel. Andy shook his head at the thought of how someone so innocent and beautiful could endure such unsparing tribulations. With the utmost care not to wake him, Andy placed a butterfly kiss on the crown of Ephram's head.
"Mmm, he smells clean." Andy noticed as he caught a faint fragrance of soap from Ephram's skin.
"He was sticky with sweat from all the movement during rehab this morning. So after having lunch and cooling off, he took a nice hot bath." Nina recalled as she walked to the kitchen with Andy trailing not far behind. "Andy, your son is too cute and funny. Well, you know how he needs help taking a bath, right? I ran a tub of warm water and things were going fine until I was about to help him take off his sweat pants. He said the funniest thing. He said - 'OK, I can take it from here.' Like he was so sure of himself." Nina mimicked Ephram's voice and laughed wholeheartedly. "I'm thinking - 'take what from where?!' Who was he kidding? It's not like he can just get up and hop into the tub by himself you know. He stared me down and waited for me to leave the bathroom. Of course, I refused to let him do a somersault into the tub and bust his head open. He was bashful about me seeing him naked. So I said - 'Oh, for Heaven's sake, I won't look.' It's not like I'd never seen the male anatomy before. I'm a mother for cryin' out loud. But, I don't blame him for being self-conscious about these things - kids his age generally are. Finally, I convinced him to let me help him into the tub." Nina poured steaming coffee into two mugs as Andy took a seat at the dining room table.
"Can wait to hear this one." Andy beamed. "I know Ephram can be difficult sometimes."
"It's only the perfect solution. And surprisingly enough, he trusted me. I told him to put a towel across his mid section - this way I can lower him into the tub without accidentally seeing something I shouldn't see." Nina explained. "And did the same when he was ready to be lifted out of the tub. It works."
"Ah, clever woman!" Andy applauded.
"After his bath, he joined me in front of the TV. He cuddled under my arm and fell asleep almost instantly. I guess that bath really did him some good." Nina said and took a sip of her coffee. 'How am I going to break the news to him?' She thought.
"How did he do with physical therapy today? I know this house call thing is still very new to him and was wondering how he's adjusting to it." Andy asked.
"Marla has him doing toe and ankle flexes. Then she goes thru a series of different assisted exercises to get the flexibility back into his joints. She says he's making progress." Nina began on a light note. "Ephram's managing, I guess."
"And?" He smiled. "There's gotta be more news to it than that. Especially when it involves the boy wonder. He's very dramatic, you know." He winked.
"Truth is, I'm worried about him. He seems, I don't know, to be pushing himself too hard." Nina spoke with growing concern. "For instance, when Marla tells him to take a break, he says he's not tired even though its apparent that he is. At the end of the session, he begged her to do the routine one more time before calling it a day."
"Really?" Andy questioned. He listened with perturbed interest.
"Now, I praise his determination and drive but it's not good for him to over exert himself. During one particular exercise, Marla decided to do an experiment to determine his degree of flexibility. She had him sit up on the chair and instructed him to try extending his knee and calf out. But the attempt was too premature and ultimately unsuccessful. No matter how hard he tried, he was only able to lift his leg slightly. After seeing him struggle with all his might to straighten his leg, Marla told him to call it quits and try again tomorrow. But he insisted he could do it. Clenching his jaw, he continued to force himself to straighten his leg. By then, he was out of breath and dripping with sweat. The muscles in his leg was shaking so fierce, we had to make him stop." Nina explained. "He looked at me with such despair in his eyes from his failure that I had to take him into my arms and hold him for the longest time. I thought he was going to cry, but he didn't. He didn't say a word. To be ambitious is one thing, but to wreck havoc on his body like that - it's dangerous."
"Boy is he going to get a lecture tonight." He took put his lips on the rim of his coffee mug.
"Be gentle though and don't yell at him, please Andy. I know how your tone of voice can appear strict and unfeeling sometimes when you don't mean to be. He's vulnerable. Very much so." Nina bit her lip. This was leading into the big horrible news.
"Yea, I don't think I can be mad at him anymore. Just looking into those glassy eyes of his takes a bite out of my heart these days."
Nina nodded and tapped her fingertips on the side of her warm coffee mug. She stared nervously at the white swirl of milk in her coffee. It was something vital and so important she needed to tell Andy but she didn't know how to begin or if she should nix telling him at all. She cursed herself for being there at that particular moment to witness it. If she had only come into the room a few minutes later, she would've missed the entire ordeal and she wouldn't have the dilemma of her emotional strings tightening around her heart. Full of regrets and remorse, she hoped and denied herself all the slight possibilities that what she saw was not real. But deep down, she knew what she saw. If she hadn't seen what she'd seen, the things that could happen in the future could be prevented. It was eerie to think the idea of seeing what Ephram did as a "good" thing. Both alarming and threatening, it couldn't have been a more noticeable warning sign. Catching him in the act wasn't Nina's intention and nothing has ever frightened her so immensely. In the end, she happened to be at the right place at the right time. He heard her voice.
Nina couldn't begin to imagine the thoughts that reeled thru the boy's head as he stared at those sharp scissors. There wasn't a selfish bone in her body - not when it came to Sam or Delia or Ephram - especially Ephram. She hated to be the one to tell Andy but the news had to come out before it's too late. After all, he was the boy's father. He had a right to know when Ephram's life was at stake.
"OK, what's bugging you? It must be big because you always get that curvy wrinkle above your brow when something's really bothering you. I can always tell." Andy said trying to get his friend to talk.
"I don't know. I don't know how to say this." Nina stammered. She desperately tried to avoid eye contact.
"Try me." Andy urged with patience.
"Andy." She said softly. "There's something I think you should know." Her voice grew tense.
"What is it?" Andy pressed anxiously ignoring the enticing sweet aroma of oven warmed chocolate chip cookies in front of him. "Tell me before I die of suspense."
"It's about Ephram."
"Ok, I'm listening."
"At this point, I'm not even sure what I saw was real. I keep thinking maybe I misinterpreted everything." Nina hesitated. She felt the weight of his eyes on her.
"Tell me anyway. Maybe we can laugh about it in the end."
"Oh no, I can assure you that it's definitely no laughing matter." Nina shook her head allowing her soft light brown hair to sway on her shoulders.
"No? This sounds serious." Andy's humorous tone was gone. "He's not sick, is he?"
"No, he's not physically sick - no. It's like this - I could tell from the start that Ephram was upset about his rehab session. So, I made grilled cheese and pickle sandwiches for lunch - his favorite lunch - you know, to lift his spirits. Ephram usually can down at least two or three of them easily. Today, it took him quite an effort to finish just one." Nina began. "He tried not to show his hurt but I felt it. It's kinda hard to explain - woman's intuition I guess. At first, he wouldn't talk, but I kept prying and finally, he opened up a little and we actually ended up talking a long time about his rehab. He was very discouraged and I told him not to give up. I thought things were ok. I thought I had given him hope. Getting all the bottled feelings out should've made him feel better. Then I saw something so scary and unnerving that I'm not sure what to think anymore." Nina's eyes shook. Her voice cracked so bad she had to stop for a breath as Andy hung onto every word.
"I wanted Ephram to feel useful so I asked him to help me clip coupons while I washed the dishes after lunch. And when I was done, I came back into the dining room to help sort the coupons." Nina swallowed. "Only he wasn't busy with clipping coupons like I'd hoped. He sat there in a deep trance concentrating on something. With his back to me, I couldn't see very well so I took a few steps closer to get a better look at what he was doing. Oh Andy, it was horrible!! He held the blades of the scissors open in his left hand and pressed it against his right wrist. He was going to hurt himself." Nina cried.
"I was so petrified, I couldn't move and it felt like everything was swimming in slow motion. I really thought he was going to slit his wrist!! But he didn't. He stared blankly at the blade and held it there for a while. He didn't show any emotion at all. He wasn't crying or fidgety. He didn't even flinch. It was almost as if he was teasing or daring himself." She babbled. "I then found the voice to call out his name. And it must've startled him because he accidentally dropped the scissors onto the floor. I asked him what he was doing. And he said 'nothing' and that he was clipping coupons like I had asked him to when I suddenly called his name and scared him. I told him that was not what I saw. He denied everything and got nervous like as if he got caught with his hands inside the cookie jar." She paused.
"Then what happened?" Andy asked.
"Then Delia and Sam came home from school. Irv dropped them off. Delia saw Ephram and flew into his arms. She was so glad to see him. It was such a heartwarming sight to see her cover her brother with such loving hugs and kisses. Ephram placed Delia on his lap and she clung to him for a while telling him the events of the day. I watched them play together. He pretended he was a New York taxicab with Delia and Sam taking turns being his passengers. He sat them on his lap, joked around and wheeled them to their desired locations. They screamed with laughter. It's plain to see that they loved him very much. Everything after that was happy-go-lucky. I felt like such a bad guy tearing them apart so Delia can get her homework done. I think that was the point where Ephram forgot about the scissors. But I can't forget it." Nina said putting emphasis on the word "I."
"Andy, you don't know how many times I've knocked on the bathroom door when he was taking a bath because I was afraid he might do something. What if he tries this again and there's no one around to catch him the next time? What if neither of us were there to call his name? What'll become of him?? We can't let him do this to himself. We just can't." She was close to tears.
"I knew there were issues but I didn't think he'd go so far. I'm glad you were here. Now you see why I'm afraid to leave him by himself." Andy rubbed his eyes as he let the shock settle in.
"Waitaminute, you know something about this?" Nina gathered. "Has he deliberately hurt himself before?" She gasped in horror as she studied Andy's facial expression. "Oh my God, he has, hasn't he? What'd he do?" She put her delicate fingers to her trembling lips.
"You see that spot over there?" Andy pointed to a small splintered dent at the bottom of the kitchen island. Nina nodded. "He was angry with himself because he fell out of his wheelchair. Next thing he knew, he rammed his fist into the wood. Nothing serious. Just a bruised hand."
"I can't believe you never told me! When did this happen?" A sudden chill swept across her skin and her hair stood on end.
"About 2 weeks ago - after his lunch date with Amy and Colin. We sat right there and cried our eyes out." Andy nodded to the famous area of the floor when he and his son had their bawl session. "The things he said really scared me. He told me about not wanting to live. He thought he would be better off dead than having to live in a wheelchair and inconvenience us 24/7."
"What?! And when were you planning on telling me this?!" Nina was both angry and flabbergasted. Her face turned white.
"I thought he was ok after we poured our hearts out. We talked and made it clear that his way of thinking was wrong. And he promised me he would never do anything to hurt himself again. He promised." Andy stressed.
"And you believed him?" Nina pressured. "He's a fifteen year old boy. You can't believe everything he promises."
"I guess, I just wanted to believe that he would keep his word."
"Oh God, Ephram's suicidal." Nina said in awe. "We have to do something to make him stop!!" Tears filled her eyes. "How could he harm himself?? Doesn't he know that there are people who love him so much?"
"He's going through a tough time. There are so many doubts in my mind. I always wonder if I'm doing the right thing or acting the right way with him - give him too little space and he'll feel smothered, give him too much space and he'll feel lonely. All I know is that I love my son to death. I was so close to losing him and now I have him back - even if he IS in a blasted wheelchair. Nothing else matters - he's here and alive."
"He forgets our love for him too often." Her eyes squeezed out a few teardrops.
"Don't cry, Nina. I know you mean well." Andy grabbed a box of Kleenex tissues from the counter and handed it to Nina. "He loves you. It shows. I mean, he's never allowed himself to fall asleep in just anyone's arms. And he called you momma. That's gotta count for something, even if he was half conscious when he said it." Andy smiled at Nina.
"He's always been sweet to me." Nina dabbed her eyes with the corner of a tissue.
"Well, there you go. It's obvious. He's nuts about you." Andy said.
"I don't know how I'm ever going to trust him to be in a room alone. Things have got to get better than this." She searched for the answers in Andy's eyes.
"And they will. Just takes one day at a time."
"So calm and reserved. That's so you, Doctor Brown. Here I was, thinking you'd be the one to freak out and you end up consoling ME!"
"Calm is hardly the word I would use. My son has thoughts about suicide - that's not something I can take lightly. He breaks my heart more and more each day knowing it. I'll let you in on a secret though. I lie on my bed at night wallowing in tears just thinking of the emotional stress Ephram is drowning in. I'm trying to keep his head above water but it's hard. Some nights I feel so hopeless, there isn't anything I could do except cry." He confessed.
"Oh Andy." Nina fell silent for a moment. "Well, you're not alone." She touched his hand. "We'll make things right with Ephram. We gotta love him more."
"I know." Andy took her hand affectionately and held it in his. His eyes told her that he was very fond of her but he couldn't get himself to say it.
He was pretty much a coward when it came to women and dating. Andy remembered taking three weeks just to get enough courage to ask Julia out for their first date at a Starbucks for coffee during his sophomore year at Princeton. Julia was somewhat of an uptown girl and took a lot of impressing to get her to notice him. Andy finally raised an impressive eye - during a heated debate on Roe v. Wade between him and another student in their Law and Ethics class. All it took was one date over a pricey café latte and he knew she would be the girl he would marry. Surely enough, it happened. And six years later, Ephram was born. However, since Julia's death, he made himself busy with Ephram and Delia and dating took a back seat. He vowed himself never to remarry - that was the case until he moved to Everwood and met Nina. Nina complicated things and threw all his plans out of sync. He was not supposed to have special feelings for any 'other' woman. And here was Nina - a patient, loving, beautiful woman who was not only his friend but also his confidant and his kids' surrogate mother. Her sudden appearance in his life felt right - like she belonged. Andy was afraid of what an intimate relationship might do to that bind of trust. This made him even more confused.
Silence filled the room for a good minute as Andy and Nina gazed into each other's eyes.
"I was going to make Ephram's favorite for dinner tonight - stuffed bell peppers and baked lemon chicken with rosemary." Nina finally said breaking from the awkward moment. "But there's not enough time to prepare everything if I start now." She glanced at the kitchen clock tacked to the wall above the sink. "That poor boy needs to eat healthier and gain some weight. When he took off his shirt for his bath, I swear I could visibly count all the bones of his rib cage. It's kinda frightening."
"Let's just order pizza since it's getting late. But you can make that delicious dinner tomorrow. I'm not letting you off the hook that easily." Andy laughed. "I'm sure Delia and Sam would be thrilled to have pizza for dinner on a Tuesday night."
"Should I wake Ephram and ask him what he wants?"
"Don't bother. Let him sleep. I may be clueless on lots of stuff but I DO know what he likes on his pizza. It's been ham and pineapple since I can remember."
*** After Dinner Mint ***
The soft shuffle of Andy's slippers flapped against the plush carpet as he made his way down the hall to Ephram's room. He'd just finished reading Delia a bedtime story and tucked her safely into bed. A beam of light from a lamp shined thru the opened door as he approached his son's room. He guessed Ephram was probably reading his comics or using his computer. Andy peeked into the boy's room and found he was neither reading nor online. Already seated on the bed, Ephram had his back facing the door and failed to notice his father standing on the threshold with crossed arms watching him. Somehow, Ephram had made his transfer from his wheelchair to the bed successfully. He was wearing his faded oversized long-sleeved black t-shirt with blue and red Spiderman pajama pants. Andy smiled at his son's youth- ism in wearing cartoon pajamas. He was glad Ephram wasn't growing up too fast and that the boy still needed his father. But deep in Andy's heart, he knew Ephram would be his baby boy no matter how old he was. Andy's treasured thoughts were cut short when Ephram began kneading his lower back. The boy grunted and appeared to be in discomfort.
"Ephram." Andy said with concern. Ephram's shoulders shot straight up when he heard his name suddenly called.
"Geez, dad!!" Ephram grabbed his pounding chest. "What is this? Sneak up on Ephram day?! Are you people trying to give me a heart attack today!?" Ephram turned around as far as he could to face his father. "How long have you been standing there?"
"Sorry." Andy apologized sheepishly. "Oh, not long. Is your back sore?" He approached the bed.
"Back muscles tightened up." Ephram replied truthfully.
"Here, let me rub some Bengay on it." Andy grabbed the tube of pain relieving ointment from Ephram's nightstand.
"That stuff makes me smell like peppermint." Ephram complained.
"It's either this or the Tiger Balm. You pick."
"Tiger Balm is too strong. It'll turn me into an Altoid mint for the next two days if I use that. I'll go with the Bengay - thanks. Why do they make ointments smell like mint? Why can't they make it smell like pizza or French fries OR Nina's baked lemon chicken!!" Ephram's eyes widened.
"As long as the creams work, who cares?! Now lie down." Andy instructed. He lifted Ephram's legs onto the bed and helped him lie on his stomach.
"Dad?" Ephram folded his arms under his pillow.
"Yea?" Andy began rolling up the back of Ephram's shirt.
"Is Tiger Balm really made from tigers?"
"No silly!!" Andy laughed. "It's just the brand name."
"Oh. That's good." Ephram sounded relieved and rested his head against the pillow. Andy had another cute Ephram story to add to the collection. No doubt it would be something to share with his colleagues back home.
Andy grimaced at the five-inch narrow pink scar etched into Ephram's pale skin left from the spine surgery. The very sight of the scar made his heart wrench. He proceeded to unscrew the cap from the tube of Bengay. He squeezed the cold ointment onto his hands and warmed it by rubbing his hands together before applying it to Ephram's back. Andy then massaged the cream into Ephram's lower back gently.
"Ahhh. Dad. That feels so good." Ephram mumbled through his pillow. "You have the hands of a masseuse. Oh, oh, that's the spot."
"Here?" Andy rubbed the tender area around the injury site.
"Yea." Ephram moaned. "Ow! Not so hard."
"Sorry." Andy cringed and kneaded Ephram's back softer. "Ephram, I don't want you pushing yourself with rehab like you did today. I know you're trying but you have to take it slow. You can't rush these things. Look what it's doing to you."
"I'm fine, dad. Chill out. It's just a little sore. No big deal."
"It IS a big deal. I'm canceling your rehab session tomorrow so you can rest."
"No!! I'm fine - really!!" Ephram whined. "I need rehab."
"Yes, I know you need it but you're abusing it. You're not supposed to be doing anything strenuous. You could have pulled a muscle."
"But I didn't. Please dad, don't do this to me. It's the only thing I can count on and look forward to. Without it, how am I going to get thru the day?" He begged desperately. "I won't do it again. Please?"
"We'll see how you are in the morning first. If the soreness is gone, we'll keep rehab, if you feel lousy, we'll cancel." Andy said after a while. He hated to hear Ephram beg. Especially now, since Ephram was the pet.
"Aw dad! I'll be good as new. You won't need to cancel."
"On one condition - you listen to Marla. If she tells you to stop, you stop. Is that clear?"
"Yes sir!!"
Andy continued to massage the ointment onto Ephram's back a few minutes. His gaze shifted to the back of Ephram's head. His hairline made a v-shaped point at the nape of his neck. The boy had his eyes closed as he enjoyed the back rub. A day doesn't go by without Andy admiring that zany son of his. He may be a bit rambunctious sometimes, but he's a good kid.
"Ephram?" Andy wasn't sure if Ephram had fallen asleep or if he was just resting his eyes.
"Hmmm?" Ephram sighed and breathed in the clean detergent dried-out-in-the- sun scent of his pillowcase.
"Son, I know about the thing with the scissors today." Andy whispered. Ephram's eyes shot open.
"What are you talking about?" Ephram said innocently.
"You know what I'm talking about. Don't play dumb with me."
"I'm not playing dumb. I really don't know what you mean."
"Ephram." Andy said seriously. "Nina told me all about it."
"Oh yea? What did she say?" Ephram refused to give himself up.
"She said she saw you holding the scissor blade to your wrist. Is this true?"
"Of course not! She asked me to clip coupons and that's what I was doing. She saw everything wrong. She lied." Ephram made the ultimate excuse.
"Why are you lying to me, son? I thought we had an honest relationship going. No more tip-toeing around and doing things behind each other's backs. Things were good and now this." Andy said hoping the guilt trip would work. Silence. "Ephram, talk to me. Tell me what's going on."
"Nothing's going on. I'm telling you - nothing happened." Ephram paused and breathed a sigh.
"I share everything with you - whether I'm happy, sad, or angry - I'd tell you. Why can't you share your feelings with me? What hurt so much that made you want to slit your wrist?" Still rubbing his son's back with the cream, Andy waited for a reply.
"It wasn't like I was really going to slice off my hand. I was thinking about it but I couldn't bring myself to actually doing it." Ephram finally gave in. Andy's heart skipped a beat. "I chickened out."
"Look at me." Andy stopped applying the cream. "Baby, look at me." Ephram hesitated before turning around to face his father. "Why would you even think a horrible thought like that?" Andy questioned.
"Was curious. That's all."
"Ephram, I can tell when you're lying. Now, tell me the real reason." Andy pressed. Ephram adjusted himself on the bed.
"Dad. I'm not in the mood to talk about this."
"Son, you almost hurt yourself. It's too close for comfort. I care too much about you to ignore this."
"Don't teenage kids always think about suicide? It's normal, right?"
"NOT when it's MY kid. I love you Ephram, and I want to help you. Now tell me."
"Fine." He reluctantly mumbled. "I was depressed and angry with myself after rehab because I couldn't straighten out my stupid leg. I can't believe it, I've been in rehab since I got out of the hospital and all I could do are those friggin' toe and ankle wiggles." He blurted. "I thought it was about time I made some real progress. I was determined that today was the day I would be able to get one step closer to getting the use back into my legs. But I failed. I felt like a failure. I thought I was a failure."
"You're not a failure. You are a fighter. And that's what makes you strong."
"Dad. I don't know. I get these weird feelings sometimes. Like when things are really bad, I get so angry with myself and think stupid thoughts. It's like I'm punishing myself or something." Ephram said sadly. "I know what I did today was dumb. I wish I could take it back. And I wish I could tell you it won't ever happen again. But I - I" His voice trailed off.
"Oh Ephram. Did you know that in the passed two weeks, you've made so much progress that you didn't even notice it? You learned to transfer yourself out of your wheelchair, you're able to use the bathroom on your own - with the help of the bars we installed, you've dressed yourself, and you've learned to wheel yourself around the house without crashing into furniture. AND barely three weeks ago, your legs wouldn't budge at all. Now, you can actually move them - even if it's only a little bit. I don't know about you, but I give you credit for that." Andy spoke with authority.
"I guess, I hadn't thought of it that way." Ephram cracked a tiny smile.
"You shouldn't make yourself work on a schedule. You're only human. It takes time to improve your range of movement. Meanwhile, you're getting the hang of that wheelchair." Andy said. "I'm so proud of you Ephram. Me and Delia won't know what to do without you."
"I'm sorry dad." Ephram stared at a fold in his blanket. "I didn't mean to make you worry."
"It's ok. I know. Just do me a favor, the next time you get angry and start thinking awful thoughts, come to me - doesn't matter if I'm here or at work. You call me anytime and I will drop everything and listen to you. You are my first priority. You hear? I don't want anything to happen to you. OK?"
"Gotcha." Ephram's grin broke Andy's heart for the zillionth time.
"You freaked out Nina with that stunt you pulled. You even made her cry."
"I did?" Ephram yawned as drowsiness and exhaustion found their way into the boy's body.
"Yea. I think tomorrow, when she comes over, the first thing you do is give her a great big hug."
"Sure." Ephram stretched and yawned again.
"All comfy now?" Andy tucked his son under the soft blanket.
"Yea. I'm beat. You going to sleep yet?" He muttered.
"I'm gonna hang out here for a while." Andy reached over and placed a gentle kiss on his son's forehead. "Good night son, I love you."
"G'nite dad." Ephram blinked sleepily. "Love you too."
Judging from the short amount of time it took for Ephram to fall asleep, Andy knew how tired the boy was. He sat there for 30 minutes watching him breathe softly before switching off the lamp on the nightstand. Andy headed back to his own room and got into bed. He tossed and turned for a while. It was impossible for Andy to fall asleep after having that intense discussion with Ephram. And to think, the birds and the bees speech was difficult. Try convincing a son who thinks self-inflicted pain and suicide are options that he is wrong. It's not like you can just hide all the sharp objects in the house. Self-destruction and suicide were subjects he never thought he'd find himself discussing with his son. No. Not Doctor Andrew Brown's kid.
Even though it was unlikely that Ephram would harm himself anytime soon, Ephram weighed heavily on his mind no matter how hard he tried to block it out just to get some sleep. Finally, he grabbed his pillow and blanket and headed back to Ephram's room. He quietly made his way to the cushioned loveseat located across from Ephram's bed.
*** Bittersweet Dreams ***
Somewhere in the wee hours of the morning, Ephram stirred in a troubled sleep. The howling autumn wind sporadically rustled what's left of the dried leaves on the tree outside Ephram's window. At times, it sounded like a giant rattlesnake. This spooked Andy in the beginning and wondered how Ephram could stand that noise night after night. But eventually, Andy filtered out the disagreeable sound and fell asleep. Andy stretched out on the loveseat asleep with his blanket wrapped around his body cocoon-style.
A barely audible mumble came from Ephram as he unconsciously pushed the blanket off his hot and sweaty body. "Noooo." He moaned softly as if in pain. His breath became more labored and agonizing. A sob was followed by the throwing of his arms up to shield his head from some imaginary danger.
"Ahhhhhhhh!!" Ephram screamed. With his heart hammering against his chest and perspiration dripping down his cheeks, his body jolted awake and he was released from his nightmare. For a split second, he didn't know where he was because the realness of his dream and darkness of his room played tricks on his mind. He heard a click and the lamp by his bed suddenly switched on. His father magically materialized by his bedside.
"Ephram! Are you alright?" Andy looked down at his son.
"Dad?" Ephram panted with fear. Struggling to sit up, Andy helped lift him up by the armpits.
"It's ok. It was just a bad dream." Andy sat by Ephram and took him into his arms. "Geez, you're sopping wet." Andy said noticing the touch of Ephram's slick and glossy skin. He grabbed a handful of tissues from the tissue box. Ephram's hair was matted to his forehead in damp clumps and his shirt adhered loyally to his back. Andy wiped some of the sweat off with the tissues. Ephram clung to his father's waist unable to make the shakes and shivers go away. He closed his eyes as tiny droplets of tears slid quietly down his cheeks.
"You're trembling like a leaf!" Andy felt Ephram's body racking with convulses.
"It'll pass. T-takes a minute." Ephram croaked and quickly brushed his stray tears away with the back of his hands hoping his father wouldn't see him crying.
"I've never seen you this frightened from a nightmare. Are you sure you're ok? What did you dream about?" Andy asked with a worried air.
"Kinda horrible. The b-bus going over the cliff and it's like o-one of th- those out-of-body experiences where I'm watching myself. The sky is all m- misty and silver like a tornado is coming. And I'm standing on the edge of that cliff. The bus spins out of control, w-whizzes right passed me and goes over. Then I see me in the bus as it's tumbling down the cliff in slow motion." He swallowed hard. "Then all this sticky b-blood came out of nowhere. Then I realize it's MY blood because by then, I've popped back into the body in the bus. Blood was s-smeared on the broken w-windows and everywhere. I - I - I was so scared in the dream." Ephram stuttered. "It's like all the other ones."
"Other ones? You mean you've had this same dream before?" Andy said. Ephram nodded. "When did these nightmares start?"
"Oh, I dunno - about a few months ago." He shrugged.
"A FEW months - and you didn't think this was important enough to tell me?!" Andy was appalled and concerned at the same time. "Does this happen every night?"
"Not every night. I can't get it outta my head. The bus - the bus - it just flew over the railing and - and - the loud crash." Ephram's breath quivered. He winced and squeezed his eyes shut. "And the pain. Oh God, the pain -" He exhaled.
"Baby - it's ok. That part of your life is over now. Nothing's going to harm you ever again. Not if I can help it." Andy hugged his son tighter.
"Dad, I don't know what's wrong with me." He squeaked hopelessly.
"Shhhh." Andy held his son and rocked him in his arms. "Nothing's wrong with you. The depression, withdrawal, and anxiety you feel are all symptoms of post-traumatic stress."
"It's been over five months since the bus accident. Why can't I forget it?"
"For some people, post-traumatic stress doesn't appear until months after the incident. What happened to you was so severe and scarring that your brain is dealing with it the only way it knows how - thru your dreams." Andy's voice was soothing and calm. Ephram sensed this and felt more relaxed. "Wish you could've told me about these dreams though."
"I thought I could handle it. But sometimes, it's so real that I feel like I'm living it all over again. When I wake up, I'm covered in sweat and I forget where I am." Ephram looked up at his father.
"Well, you can't handle this all by yourself. Look at you - you look like you've just been dragged thru hell and back."
"The shakes go away after a while and the sweat dries up." Still with an arm around Andy's waist, Ephram pushed the hair out of his frightened eyes. "Dad?"
"What is it, honey?"
"What were you doing in my room?" Ephram wondered.
"Thoughts of you kept gnawing at my brain so I decided to crash here for the night on your sofa. Hope you don't mind." Andy smiled at his pride and joy.
"I don't mind. I'm glad you're here." Ephram snuggled passively under his father's strong arm.
"Better?" Andy noticed his son's shivering had subsided.
"Mmmm." Ephram confirmed.
"Now let's see if we can get you back to sleep." Andy suggested. His heart sank after seeing Ephram unwilling to release from the embrace. "Ok buddy, then scoot over at least. Make some room for your old man."
The nightmare left Ephram so badly shook up that it was impossible for Andy to return to his makeshift bed on Ephram's sofa even if it was only a few feet away. He drew the blanket up and made himself comfortable next to Ephram.
"You're loved very much. I won't let anything happen to you." Andy stroked his son's head mildly as the boy leaned his back against Andy's shoulder. "Close your eyes, baby, and try to get some sleep." Andy kissed the back of Ephram's head.
"I'm scared." He whispered.
"Do you feel safe?" Andy wrapped his free arm around the boy. Ephram sighed.
"Yea. I do. Because you're here." He decided.
"Good. Then you have nothing to worry about, do you? Now, try and sleep." Andy advised.
Just as Ephram was about to obey his father's request, the doorknob to his room turned slowly. The un-oiled door hinges made a tiny creaking noise as it opened. Delia's tangled head of hair poked through the crack of the door.
"Daddy? Ephram?" She mumbled rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. She squinted at the brightness from the lamp.
"Sweetheart, what are you doing up?" Andy said.
"I heard a sound and I went to your room to look for you but you weren't there." Delia replied as she came into the room and stood at the foot of Ephram's bed. She had on her matching pink cotton pajamas with all-over images of prancing multi colored ponies imprinted on the fabric. She had in her arms the same fuzzy blue teddy bear with the polka dotted bow that Ephram had won for her at the Plainfield Fair.
"Ephram had a bad dream. But everything's ok now. Go back to bed, sweetie." Andy reassured.
"Daddy, can I sleep here too?" Delia asked.
"No kiddo. Not this time. Now go back to your room." Andy answered softly.
"Aw dad, can't she sleep with us just this one time?" Ephram said seeing the disappointed look on his sister's face. She only wanted to be included. "I don't think I can go back to sleep without knowing that my WHOLE family is by my side." He pouted waiting for his father to accept his excuse.
"Oh, alright. I'll make an exception just this once. But your bed is going to collapse." Andy finally gave in. Delia hopped onto Ephram's bed happily. Ephram was lodged in between his sister and father cozily.
"Delia's so light, another 40 pounds won't make much of a difference." Ephram yawned.
"Was your dream very scary?" Delia questioned after curling up next to her brother with the bear in the crook of her arm.
"Yea." Ephram admitted. "But nothing I'd want to trouble you about."
"It was just a dumb dream anyway. Blueberry and I will protect you." Delia sat the bear on Ephram's stomach.
"Blueberry?" Ephram looked at the worn out plush bear with a permanently stitched smile. It stared at the ceiling with two black glassy beads for eyes.
Delia has never been this attached to any singular toy in all her life. Each time she got a new toy, she'd play with it to death for two weeks - one month if you were lucky. Then they get forgotten and dumped into her toy box when she grew bored with them regardless of how expensive or inexpensive they were. This particular toy that she lugged around with her was special.
The teddy bear was a cheap, dingy prize-toy, which held sentimental value close to Delia's heart because it was from her brother. Ephram had given her other gifts before but this one was different. She'd almost lost her brother that fateful day at the fair. His life had almost been taken away without any warning. Watching her brother lying on the concrete writhing in pain scarred her more than anyone knew. The bear was Delia's only comfort and hope when waiting in the lounge of the hospital for news on how her brother was fairing. Her father, at the time, had been flighty and moving from place to place trying to find out anything he could about his son's condition. The only thing Delia could do was hold onto Nina and that teddy bear. In her subconscious, the bear was a part of Ephram. Each time she took the bear in her arms, a little piece of her dear sweet brother was with her.
"Yep. Blueberry. That's his name." Delia said. "Because he's blue."
"Ah, I get it!" Ephram exclaimed while observing the bear. The fuzzy hairs of the plush toy knotted together and tiny lint balls were forming all over the bear's body. The fluff inside the bear had become flattened making an imbalance between the tummy and the head.
"OK you kids, time to go to sleep." Andy said and turned off the lamp. And tucked the blanket over his children.
"I love you guys." Ephram sighed.
"We know." Andy replied and ruffled Ephram's hair playfully. Delia gave Ephram a quick affectionate peck on the cheek and made Blueberry do the same.
Silence swallowed the room as they each closed their eyes and let the final thoughts linger through their minds before drowsiness consumed them entirely. Andy was most concerned with Ephram's shaky and fragile emotional stress level. His son resembled a ticking time bomb, which may or may not blow up at any given time. Thinking about it made Andy apprehensive. He wanted to be present if anything should happen. He wanted to be there to save Ephram's life or salvage what's left of it. Helping his son get better and show him how much he loved him were his first and foremost goals. Andy found himself praying a lot lately - something he hadn't really done in years. Delia's selfless thoughts about her brother's health ruled her mind. She often seemed to be the happy camper of the family but this didn't stop her from secretly worrying about Ephram. Her deepest fear was losing someone else she loved. After losing her mother, she realized how precious and breakable a life was. She nearly lost her brother twice. Delia grown even more attached to him after those incidents and she would never ever let go. Ever. Ephram had the most complicated thoughts of all. He had suicidal urges and unpredictable bouts of depression - those were things he couldn't deny anymore. They were very real. He was afraid of himself and what he might do if he should lose control. And those horrible nightmares he had every now and then that scared the living daylights out of him - those were the worst because they were uncontrollable. They forced him to relive the past - second by second. Ephram shuddered and nestled closer to his father feeling a sense of warmth and security. He wanted things to get better. They all did.
Finally, the three welcomed their tired minds to a peaceful sleep for the rest of the night.
* end of chapter 7 *
Author's Note: Thanks so much for reading!! :o) The next chapter will be up soon!
Chapter 7: On Thin Ice: Self-Destruction
"Lucy, I'm home!" Andy exclaimed loudly doing a terrible rendition of a Ricky Ricardo imitation as he came through the front door of his house. Always trying to be funny, Andy couldn't resist it when he opened the door to find Nina's silhouette sitting on the couch watching TV in the semi- darkened room. The volume had been minimized and the soft flicker of the images gave the room specks of light.
"Shhhh!" Nina hushed as she cocked her head and pointed to the bundle of blanket nestled under her arm. "He's sleeping." She whispered. "Close the door. You're letting the cold air in." She fussed. Andy obeyed and shut the door softly.
Venturing forward, he saw a sleeping Ephram snuggled up next to Nina wrapped in a large quilted blanket. The enormous blanket protected and enveloped the boy's small frame. Except for a few strands of disheveled hair sticking out of the end of the puffy comforter, his head was barely visible. The tips of the cozy blanket rolled onto the rug pass his feet. Ephram's left arm draped loosely over Nina's waist and his right temple rested comfortably against her collarbone. His cheek had a tint of blush stemming from the warmth of the blanket. Not stirring once, Ephram looked completely relaxed and deep in sleep.
"Aw!! How sweet." Andy commented on Ephram's angelic demeanor. He took his coat off and tossed it on the recliner. "Where are the munchkins?"
"They're in Delia's room. Delia's finishing up her homework and Sam's quietly playing with Delia's Lego set."
"What're you watching?" He nodded to the television.
"Oh, it's Ricki Lake. Today's subject is Women With Boyfriends Who Have Kinky Obsessive Compulsive Sexual Desires." Nina replied.
"How interesting." Andy murmured ironically. "I can't believe Ephram fell asleep during this."
"He's had a long and debilitating day. I wouldn't be surprised if he slept through a symphony of chain saws and jackhammers." Nina still held Ephram protectively in her arm. "Marla came this morning and they went through a vigorous recovery workout trying to rehabilitate those muscles in his legs and joints."
"Bravest kid I know." Andy admired as he watched the boy.
"Yea, he's my hero." Nina agreed. "You're home early. I didn't expect you back for another hour." She turned her attention to Andy.
"I know. Ephram's been on my mind a lot lately and it's starting to affect my work. Today, I almost prescribed Mrs. Farthing Hytrin instead of Glucosamine Sulfate for her Osteoarthritis. Hytrin is Prostate medication." Andy explained. Nina chuckled lightly at Andy's absentmindedness. "Sure, it may be funny now but it was a good thing I caught the error when I did. I thought I could handle myself going back to work even if it was only twice a week, but I'm just fooling myself. I constantly worry about Ephram. I mean, don't get me wrong, I do trust you looking after my kids. But I wish I could be here for him all the time. Of course, Edna saw right through me and sent me home."
"Hey, are you hungry? There's some chocolate chip cookies left from snack time. I'll make us some coffee." She suggested while clicking the television off with the remote. There was something crucial she needed to inform Andy.
"Sounds good." Andy replied. "How long has he been asleep?"
"About half hour or so." Nina said as she removed Ephram's arm from her waist and gently set his upper body onto the couch. He stirred when Nina laid his head onto a cushion.
"Momma." Ephram incoherently grumbled in his exhausted sleep.
"Just getting you more comfortable honey." Nina whispered. Without opening his eyes, Ephram dug his face into the soft cushion and sighed tiredly before falling back into his restful sleep. "He's so precious." Nina said to Andy.
Andy swung Ephram's legs up onto the couch slowly and recovered the quilt over his son's body. He pulled the end of the blanket to Ephram's shoulder and stared at his son for a minute. Thinking how perfect he looked, Andy couldn't resist a touch. He reached out a hand and tenderly stroked his son's hair. His hair was silky smooth and cleansed of gel. Andy shook his head at the thought of how someone so innocent and beautiful could endure such unsparing tribulations. With the utmost care not to wake him, Andy placed a butterfly kiss on the crown of Ephram's head.
"Mmm, he smells clean." Andy noticed as he caught a faint fragrance of soap from Ephram's skin.
"He was sticky with sweat from all the movement during rehab this morning. So after having lunch and cooling off, he took a nice hot bath." Nina recalled as she walked to the kitchen with Andy trailing not far behind. "Andy, your son is too cute and funny. Well, you know how he needs help taking a bath, right? I ran a tub of warm water and things were going fine until I was about to help him take off his sweat pants. He said the funniest thing. He said - 'OK, I can take it from here.' Like he was so sure of himself." Nina mimicked Ephram's voice and laughed wholeheartedly. "I'm thinking - 'take what from where?!' Who was he kidding? It's not like he can just get up and hop into the tub by himself you know. He stared me down and waited for me to leave the bathroom. Of course, I refused to let him do a somersault into the tub and bust his head open. He was bashful about me seeing him naked. So I said - 'Oh, for Heaven's sake, I won't look.' It's not like I'd never seen the male anatomy before. I'm a mother for cryin' out loud. But, I don't blame him for being self-conscious about these things - kids his age generally are. Finally, I convinced him to let me help him into the tub." Nina poured steaming coffee into two mugs as Andy took a seat at the dining room table.
"Can wait to hear this one." Andy beamed. "I know Ephram can be difficult sometimes."
"It's only the perfect solution. And surprisingly enough, he trusted me. I told him to put a towel across his mid section - this way I can lower him into the tub without accidentally seeing something I shouldn't see." Nina explained. "And did the same when he was ready to be lifted out of the tub. It works."
"Ah, clever woman!" Andy applauded.
"After his bath, he joined me in front of the TV. He cuddled under my arm and fell asleep almost instantly. I guess that bath really did him some good." Nina said and took a sip of her coffee. 'How am I going to break the news to him?' She thought.
"How did he do with physical therapy today? I know this house call thing is still very new to him and was wondering how he's adjusting to it." Andy asked.
"Marla has him doing toe and ankle flexes. Then she goes thru a series of different assisted exercises to get the flexibility back into his joints. She says he's making progress." Nina began on a light note. "Ephram's managing, I guess."
"And?" He smiled. "There's gotta be more news to it than that. Especially when it involves the boy wonder. He's very dramatic, you know." He winked.
"Truth is, I'm worried about him. He seems, I don't know, to be pushing himself too hard." Nina spoke with growing concern. "For instance, when Marla tells him to take a break, he says he's not tired even though its apparent that he is. At the end of the session, he begged her to do the routine one more time before calling it a day."
"Really?" Andy questioned. He listened with perturbed interest.
"Now, I praise his determination and drive but it's not good for him to over exert himself. During one particular exercise, Marla decided to do an experiment to determine his degree of flexibility. She had him sit up on the chair and instructed him to try extending his knee and calf out. But the attempt was too premature and ultimately unsuccessful. No matter how hard he tried, he was only able to lift his leg slightly. After seeing him struggle with all his might to straighten his leg, Marla told him to call it quits and try again tomorrow. But he insisted he could do it. Clenching his jaw, he continued to force himself to straighten his leg. By then, he was out of breath and dripping with sweat. The muscles in his leg was shaking so fierce, we had to make him stop." Nina explained. "He looked at me with such despair in his eyes from his failure that I had to take him into my arms and hold him for the longest time. I thought he was going to cry, but he didn't. He didn't say a word. To be ambitious is one thing, but to wreck havoc on his body like that - it's dangerous."
"Boy is he going to get a lecture tonight." He took put his lips on the rim of his coffee mug.
"Be gentle though and don't yell at him, please Andy. I know how your tone of voice can appear strict and unfeeling sometimes when you don't mean to be. He's vulnerable. Very much so." Nina bit her lip. This was leading into the big horrible news.
"Yea, I don't think I can be mad at him anymore. Just looking into those glassy eyes of his takes a bite out of my heart these days."
Nina nodded and tapped her fingertips on the side of her warm coffee mug. She stared nervously at the white swirl of milk in her coffee. It was something vital and so important she needed to tell Andy but she didn't know how to begin or if she should nix telling him at all. She cursed herself for being there at that particular moment to witness it. If she had only come into the room a few minutes later, she would've missed the entire ordeal and she wouldn't have the dilemma of her emotional strings tightening around her heart. Full of regrets and remorse, she hoped and denied herself all the slight possibilities that what she saw was not real. But deep down, she knew what she saw. If she hadn't seen what she'd seen, the things that could happen in the future could be prevented. It was eerie to think the idea of seeing what Ephram did as a "good" thing. Both alarming and threatening, it couldn't have been a more noticeable warning sign. Catching him in the act wasn't Nina's intention and nothing has ever frightened her so immensely. In the end, she happened to be at the right place at the right time. He heard her voice.
Nina couldn't begin to imagine the thoughts that reeled thru the boy's head as he stared at those sharp scissors. There wasn't a selfish bone in her body - not when it came to Sam or Delia or Ephram - especially Ephram. She hated to be the one to tell Andy but the news had to come out before it's too late. After all, he was the boy's father. He had a right to know when Ephram's life was at stake.
"OK, what's bugging you? It must be big because you always get that curvy wrinkle above your brow when something's really bothering you. I can always tell." Andy said trying to get his friend to talk.
"I don't know. I don't know how to say this." Nina stammered. She desperately tried to avoid eye contact.
"Try me." Andy urged with patience.
"Andy." She said softly. "There's something I think you should know." Her voice grew tense.
"What is it?" Andy pressed anxiously ignoring the enticing sweet aroma of oven warmed chocolate chip cookies in front of him. "Tell me before I die of suspense."
"It's about Ephram."
"Ok, I'm listening."
"At this point, I'm not even sure what I saw was real. I keep thinking maybe I misinterpreted everything." Nina hesitated. She felt the weight of his eyes on her.
"Tell me anyway. Maybe we can laugh about it in the end."
"Oh no, I can assure you that it's definitely no laughing matter." Nina shook her head allowing her soft light brown hair to sway on her shoulders.
"No? This sounds serious." Andy's humorous tone was gone. "He's not sick, is he?"
"No, he's not physically sick - no. It's like this - I could tell from the start that Ephram was upset about his rehab session. So, I made grilled cheese and pickle sandwiches for lunch - his favorite lunch - you know, to lift his spirits. Ephram usually can down at least two or three of them easily. Today, it took him quite an effort to finish just one." Nina began. "He tried not to show his hurt but I felt it. It's kinda hard to explain - woman's intuition I guess. At first, he wouldn't talk, but I kept prying and finally, he opened up a little and we actually ended up talking a long time about his rehab. He was very discouraged and I told him not to give up. I thought things were ok. I thought I had given him hope. Getting all the bottled feelings out should've made him feel better. Then I saw something so scary and unnerving that I'm not sure what to think anymore." Nina's eyes shook. Her voice cracked so bad she had to stop for a breath as Andy hung onto every word.
"I wanted Ephram to feel useful so I asked him to help me clip coupons while I washed the dishes after lunch. And when I was done, I came back into the dining room to help sort the coupons." Nina swallowed. "Only he wasn't busy with clipping coupons like I'd hoped. He sat there in a deep trance concentrating on something. With his back to me, I couldn't see very well so I took a few steps closer to get a better look at what he was doing. Oh Andy, it was horrible!! He held the blades of the scissors open in his left hand and pressed it against his right wrist. He was going to hurt himself." Nina cried.
"I was so petrified, I couldn't move and it felt like everything was swimming in slow motion. I really thought he was going to slit his wrist!! But he didn't. He stared blankly at the blade and held it there for a while. He didn't show any emotion at all. He wasn't crying or fidgety. He didn't even flinch. It was almost as if he was teasing or daring himself." She babbled. "I then found the voice to call out his name. And it must've startled him because he accidentally dropped the scissors onto the floor. I asked him what he was doing. And he said 'nothing' and that he was clipping coupons like I had asked him to when I suddenly called his name and scared him. I told him that was not what I saw. He denied everything and got nervous like as if he got caught with his hands inside the cookie jar." She paused.
"Then what happened?" Andy asked.
"Then Delia and Sam came home from school. Irv dropped them off. Delia saw Ephram and flew into his arms. She was so glad to see him. It was such a heartwarming sight to see her cover her brother with such loving hugs and kisses. Ephram placed Delia on his lap and she clung to him for a while telling him the events of the day. I watched them play together. He pretended he was a New York taxicab with Delia and Sam taking turns being his passengers. He sat them on his lap, joked around and wheeled them to their desired locations. They screamed with laughter. It's plain to see that they loved him very much. Everything after that was happy-go-lucky. I felt like such a bad guy tearing them apart so Delia can get her homework done. I think that was the point where Ephram forgot about the scissors. But I can't forget it." Nina said putting emphasis on the word "I."
"Andy, you don't know how many times I've knocked on the bathroom door when he was taking a bath because I was afraid he might do something. What if he tries this again and there's no one around to catch him the next time? What if neither of us were there to call his name? What'll become of him?? We can't let him do this to himself. We just can't." She was close to tears.
"I knew there were issues but I didn't think he'd go so far. I'm glad you were here. Now you see why I'm afraid to leave him by himself." Andy rubbed his eyes as he let the shock settle in.
"Waitaminute, you know something about this?" Nina gathered. "Has he deliberately hurt himself before?" She gasped in horror as she studied Andy's facial expression. "Oh my God, he has, hasn't he? What'd he do?" She put her delicate fingers to her trembling lips.
"You see that spot over there?" Andy pointed to a small splintered dent at the bottom of the kitchen island. Nina nodded. "He was angry with himself because he fell out of his wheelchair. Next thing he knew, he rammed his fist into the wood. Nothing serious. Just a bruised hand."
"I can't believe you never told me! When did this happen?" A sudden chill swept across her skin and her hair stood on end.
"About 2 weeks ago - after his lunch date with Amy and Colin. We sat right there and cried our eyes out." Andy nodded to the famous area of the floor when he and his son had their bawl session. "The things he said really scared me. He told me about not wanting to live. He thought he would be better off dead than having to live in a wheelchair and inconvenience us 24/7."
"What?! And when were you planning on telling me this?!" Nina was both angry and flabbergasted. Her face turned white.
"I thought he was ok after we poured our hearts out. We talked and made it clear that his way of thinking was wrong. And he promised me he would never do anything to hurt himself again. He promised." Andy stressed.
"And you believed him?" Nina pressured. "He's a fifteen year old boy. You can't believe everything he promises."
"I guess, I just wanted to believe that he would keep his word."
"Oh God, Ephram's suicidal." Nina said in awe. "We have to do something to make him stop!!" Tears filled her eyes. "How could he harm himself?? Doesn't he know that there are people who love him so much?"
"He's going through a tough time. There are so many doubts in my mind. I always wonder if I'm doing the right thing or acting the right way with him - give him too little space and he'll feel smothered, give him too much space and he'll feel lonely. All I know is that I love my son to death. I was so close to losing him and now I have him back - even if he IS in a blasted wheelchair. Nothing else matters - he's here and alive."
"He forgets our love for him too often." Her eyes squeezed out a few teardrops.
"Don't cry, Nina. I know you mean well." Andy grabbed a box of Kleenex tissues from the counter and handed it to Nina. "He loves you. It shows. I mean, he's never allowed himself to fall asleep in just anyone's arms. And he called you momma. That's gotta count for something, even if he was half conscious when he said it." Andy smiled at Nina.
"He's always been sweet to me." Nina dabbed her eyes with the corner of a tissue.
"Well, there you go. It's obvious. He's nuts about you." Andy said.
"I don't know how I'm ever going to trust him to be in a room alone. Things have got to get better than this." She searched for the answers in Andy's eyes.
"And they will. Just takes one day at a time."
"So calm and reserved. That's so you, Doctor Brown. Here I was, thinking you'd be the one to freak out and you end up consoling ME!"
"Calm is hardly the word I would use. My son has thoughts about suicide - that's not something I can take lightly. He breaks my heart more and more each day knowing it. I'll let you in on a secret though. I lie on my bed at night wallowing in tears just thinking of the emotional stress Ephram is drowning in. I'm trying to keep his head above water but it's hard. Some nights I feel so hopeless, there isn't anything I could do except cry." He confessed.
"Oh Andy." Nina fell silent for a moment. "Well, you're not alone." She touched his hand. "We'll make things right with Ephram. We gotta love him more."
"I know." Andy took her hand affectionately and held it in his. His eyes told her that he was very fond of her but he couldn't get himself to say it.
He was pretty much a coward when it came to women and dating. Andy remembered taking three weeks just to get enough courage to ask Julia out for their first date at a Starbucks for coffee during his sophomore year at Princeton. Julia was somewhat of an uptown girl and took a lot of impressing to get her to notice him. Andy finally raised an impressive eye - during a heated debate on Roe v. Wade between him and another student in their Law and Ethics class. All it took was one date over a pricey café latte and he knew she would be the girl he would marry. Surely enough, it happened. And six years later, Ephram was born. However, since Julia's death, he made himself busy with Ephram and Delia and dating took a back seat. He vowed himself never to remarry - that was the case until he moved to Everwood and met Nina. Nina complicated things and threw all his plans out of sync. He was not supposed to have special feelings for any 'other' woman. And here was Nina - a patient, loving, beautiful woman who was not only his friend but also his confidant and his kids' surrogate mother. Her sudden appearance in his life felt right - like she belonged. Andy was afraid of what an intimate relationship might do to that bind of trust. This made him even more confused.
Silence filled the room for a good minute as Andy and Nina gazed into each other's eyes.
"I was going to make Ephram's favorite for dinner tonight - stuffed bell peppers and baked lemon chicken with rosemary." Nina finally said breaking from the awkward moment. "But there's not enough time to prepare everything if I start now." She glanced at the kitchen clock tacked to the wall above the sink. "That poor boy needs to eat healthier and gain some weight. When he took off his shirt for his bath, I swear I could visibly count all the bones of his rib cage. It's kinda frightening."
"Let's just order pizza since it's getting late. But you can make that delicious dinner tomorrow. I'm not letting you off the hook that easily." Andy laughed. "I'm sure Delia and Sam would be thrilled to have pizza for dinner on a Tuesday night."
"Should I wake Ephram and ask him what he wants?"
"Don't bother. Let him sleep. I may be clueless on lots of stuff but I DO know what he likes on his pizza. It's been ham and pineapple since I can remember."
*** After Dinner Mint ***
The soft shuffle of Andy's slippers flapped against the plush carpet as he made his way down the hall to Ephram's room. He'd just finished reading Delia a bedtime story and tucked her safely into bed. A beam of light from a lamp shined thru the opened door as he approached his son's room. He guessed Ephram was probably reading his comics or using his computer. Andy peeked into the boy's room and found he was neither reading nor online. Already seated on the bed, Ephram had his back facing the door and failed to notice his father standing on the threshold with crossed arms watching him. Somehow, Ephram had made his transfer from his wheelchair to the bed successfully. He was wearing his faded oversized long-sleeved black t-shirt with blue and red Spiderman pajama pants. Andy smiled at his son's youth- ism in wearing cartoon pajamas. He was glad Ephram wasn't growing up too fast and that the boy still needed his father. But deep in Andy's heart, he knew Ephram would be his baby boy no matter how old he was. Andy's treasured thoughts were cut short when Ephram began kneading his lower back. The boy grunted and appeared to be in discomfort.
"Ephram." Andy said with concern. Ephram's shoulders shot straight up when he heard his name suddenly called.
"Geez, dad!!" Ephram grabbed his pounding chest. "What is this? Sneak up on Ephram day?! Are you people trying to give me a heart attack today!?" Ephram turned around as far as he could to face his father. "How long have you been standing there?"
"Sorry." Andy apologized sheepishly. "Oh, not long. Is your back sore?" He approached the bed.
"Back muscles tightened up." Ephram replied truthfully.
"Here, let me rub some Bengay on it." Andy grabbed the tube of pain relieving ointment from Ephram's nightstand.
"That stuff makes me smell like peppermint." Ephram complained.
"It's either this or the Tiger Balm. You pick."
"Tiger Balm is too strong. It'll turn me into an Altoid mint for the next two days if I use that. I'll go with the Bengay - thanks. Why do they make ointments smell like mint? Why can't they make it smell like pizza or French fries OR Nina's baked lemon chicken!!" Ephram's eyes widened.
"As long as the creams work, who cares?! Now lie down." Andy instructed. He lifted Ephram's legs onto the bed and helped him lie on his stomach.
"Dad?" Ephram folded his arms under his pillow.
"Yea?" Andy began rolling up the back of Ephram's shirt.
"Is Tiger Balm really made from tigers?"
"No silly!!" Andy laughed. "It's just the brand name."
"Oh. That's good." Ephram sounded relieved and rested his head against the pillow. Andy had another cute Ephram story to add to the collection. No doubt it would be something to share with his colleagues back home.
Andy grimaced at the five-inch narrow pink scar etched into Ephram's pale skin left from the spine surgery. The very sight of the scar made his heart wrench. He proceeded to unscrew the cap from the tube of Bengay. He squeezed the cold ointment onto his hands and warmed it by rubbing his hands together before applying it to Ephram's back. Andy then massaged the cream into Ephram's lower back gently.
"Ahhh. Dad. That feels so good." Ephram mumbled through his pillow. "You have the hands of a masseuse. Oh, oh, that's the spot."
"Here?" Andy rubbed the tender area around the injury site.
"Yea." Ephram moaned. "Ow! Not so hard."
"Sorry." Andy cringed and kneaded Ephram's back softer. "Ephram, I don't want you pushing yourself with rehab like you did today. I know you're trying but you have to take it slow. You can't rush these things. Look what it's doing to you."
"I'm fine, dad. Chill out. It's just a little sore. No big deal."
"It IS a big deal. I'm canceling your rehab session tomorrow so you can rest."
"No!! I'm fine - really!!" Ephram whined. "I need rehab."
"Yes, I know you need it but you're abusing it. You're not supposed to be doing anything strenuous. You could have pulled a muscle."
"But I didn't. Please dad, don't do this to me. It's the only thing I can count on and look forward to. Without it, how am I going to get thru the day?" He begged desperately. "I won't do it again. Please?"
"We'll see how you are in the morning first. If the soreness is gone, we'll keep rehab, if you feel lousy, we'll cancel." Andy said after a while. He hated to hear Ephram beg. Especially now, since Ephram was the pet.
"Aw dad! I'll be good as new. You won't need to cancel."
"On one condition - you listen to Marla. If she tells you to stop, you stop. Is that clear?"
"Yes sir!!"
Andy continued to massage the ointment onto Ephram's back a few minutes. His gaze shifted to the back of Ephram's head. His hairline made a v-shaped point at the nape of his neck. The boy had his eyes closed as he enjoyed the back rub. A day doesn't go by without Andy admiring that zany son of his. He may be a bit rambunctious sometimes, but he's a good kid.
"Ephram?" Andy wasn't sure if Ephram had fallen asleep or if he was just resting his eyes.
"Hmmm?" Ephram sighed and breathed in the clean detergent dried-out-in-the- sun scent of his pillowcase.
"Son, I know about the thing with the scissors today." Andy whispered. Ephram's eyes shot open.
"What are you talking about?" Ephram said innocently.
"You know what I'm talking about. Don't play dumb with me."
"I'm not playing dumb. I really don't know what you mean."
"Ephram." Andy said seriously. "Nina told me all about it."
"Oh yea? What did she say?" Ephram refused to give himself up.
"She said she saw you holding the scissor blade to your wrist. Is this true?"
"Of course not! She asked me to clip coupons and that's what I was doing. She saw everything wrong. She lied." Ephram made the ultimate excuse.
"Why are you lying to me, son? I thought we had an honest relationship going. No more tip-toeing around and doing things behind each other's backs. Things were good and now this." Andy said hoping the guilt trip would work. Silence. "Ephram, talk to me. Tell me what's going on."
"Nothing's going on. I'm telling you - nothing happened." Ephram paused and breathed a sigh.
"I share everything with you - whether I'm happy, sad, or angry - I'd tell you. Why can't you share your feelings with me? What hurt so much that made you want to slit your wrist?" Still rubbing his son's back with the cream, Andy waited for a reply.
"It wasn't like I was really going to slice off my hand. I was thinking about it but I couldn't bring myself to actually doing it." Ephram finally gave in. Andy's heart skipped a beat. "I chickened out."
"Look at me." Andy stopped applying the cream. "Baby, look at me." Ephram hesitated before turning around to face his father. "Why would you even think a horrible thought like that?" Andy questioned.
"Was curious. That's all."
"Ephram, I can tell when you're lying. Now, tell me the real reason." Andy pressed. Ephram adjusted himself on the bed.
"Dad. I'm not in the mood to talk about this."
"Son, you almost hurt yourself. It's too close for comfort. I care too much about you to ignore this."
"Don't teenage kids always think about suicide? It's normal, right?"
"NOT when it's MY kid. I love you Ephram, and I want to help you. Now tell me."
"Fine." He reluctantly mumbled. "I was depressed and angry with myself after rehab because I couldn't straighten out my stupid leg. I can't believe it, I've been in rehab since I got out of the hospital and all I could do are those friggin' toe and ankle wiggles." He blurted. "I thought it was about time I made some real progress. I was determined that today was the day I would be able to get one step closer to getting the use back into my legs. But I failed. I felt like a failure. I thought I was a failure."
"You're not a failure. You are a fighter. And that's what makes you strong."
"Dad. I don't know. I get these weird feelings sometimes. Like when things are really bad, I get so angry with myself and think stupid thoughts. It's like I'm punishing myself or something." Ephram said sadly. "I know what I did today was dumb. I wish I could take it back. And I wish I could tell you it won't ever happen again. But I - I" His voice trailed off.
"Oh Ephram. Did you know that in the passed two weeks, you've made so much progress that you didn't even notice it? You learned to transfer yourself out of your wheelchair, you're able to use the bathroom on your own - with the help of the bars we installed, you've dressed yourself, and you've learned to wheel yourself around the house without crashing into furniture. AND barely three weeks ago, your legs wouldn't budge at all. Now, you can actually move them - even if it's only a little bit. I don't know about you, but I give you credit for that." Andy spoke with authority.
"I guess, I hadn't thought of it that way." Ephram cracked a tiny smile.
"You shouldn't make yourself work on a schedule. You're only human. It takes time to improve your range of movement. Meanwhile, you're getting the hang of that wheelchair." Andy said. "I'm so proud of you Ephram. Me and Delia won't know what to do without you."
"I'm sorry dad." Ephram stared at a fold in his blanket. "I didn't mean to make you worry."
"It's ok. I know. Just do me a favor, the next time you get angry and start thinking awful thoughts, come to me - doesn't matter if I'm here or at work. You call me anytime and I will drop everything and listen to you. You are my first priority. You hear? I don't want anything to happen to you. OK?"
"Gotcha." Ephram's grin broke Andy's heart for the zillionth time.
"You freaked out Nina with that stunt you pulled. You even made her cry."
"I did?" Ephram yawned as drowsiness and exhaustion found their way into the boy's body.
"Yea. I think tomorrow, when she comes over, the first thing you do is give her a great big hug."
"Sure." Ephram stretched and yawned again.
"All comfy now?" Andy tucked his son under the soft blanket.
"Yea. I'm beat. You going to sleep yet?" He muttered.
"I'm gonna hang out here for a while." Andy reached over and placed a gentle kiss on his son's forehead. "Good night son, I love you."
"G'nite dad." Ephram blinked sleepily. "Love you too."
Judging from the short amount of time it took for Ephram to fall asleep, Andy knew how tired the boy was. He sat there for 30 minutes watching him breathe softly before switching off the lamp on the nightstand. Andy headed back to his own room and got into bed. He tossed and turned for a while. It was impossible for Andy to fall asleep after having that intense discussion with Ephram. And to think, the birds and the bees speech was difficult. Try convincing a son who thinks self-inflicted pain and suicide are options that he is wrong. It's not like you can just hide all the sharp objects in the house. Self-destruction and suicide were subjects he never thought he'd find himself discussing with his son. No. Not Doctor Andrew Brown's kid.
Even though it was unlikely that Ephram would harm himself anytime soon, Ephram weighed heavily on his mind no matter how hard he tried to block it out just to get some sleep. Finally, he grabbed his pillow and blanket and headed back to Ephram's room. He quietly made his way to the cushioned loveseat located across from Ephram's bed.
*** Bittersweet Dreams ***
Somewhere in the wee hours of the morning, Ephram stirred in a troubled sleep. The howling autumn wind sporadically rustled what's left of the dried leaves on the tree outside Ephram's window. At times, it sounded like a giant rattlesnake. This spooked Andy in the beginning and wondered how Ephram could stand that noise night after night. But eventually, Andy filtered out the disagreeable sound and fell asleep. Andy stretched out on the loveseat asleep with his blanket wrapped around his body cocoon-style.
A barely audible mumble came from Ephram as he unconsciously pushed the blanket off his hot and sweaty body. "Noooo." He moaned softly as if in pain. His breath became more labored and agonizing. A sob was followed by the throwing of his arms up to shield his head from some imaginary danger.
"Ahhhhhhhh!!" Ephram screamed. With his heart hammering against his chest and perspiration dripping down his cheeks, his body jolted awake and he was released from his nightmare. For a split second, he didn't know where he was because the realness of his dream and darkness of his room played tricks on his mind. He heard a click and the lamp by his bed suddenly switched on. His father magically materialized by his bedside.
"Ephram! Are you alright?" Andy looked down at his son.
"Dad?" Ephram panted with fear. Struggling to sit up, Andy helped lift him up by the armpits.
"It's ok. It was just a bad dream." Andy sat by Ephram and took him into his arms. "Geez, you're sopping wet." Andy said noticing the touch of Ephram's slick and glossy skin. He grabbed a handful of tissues from the tissue box. Ephram's hair was matted to his forehead in damp clumps and his shirt adhered loyally to his back. Andy wiped some of the sweat off with the tissues. Ephram clung to his father's waist unable to make the shakes and shivers go away. He closed his eyes as tiny droplets of tears slid quietly down his cheeks.
"You're trembling like a leaf!" Andy felt Ephram's body racking with convulses.
"It'll pass. T-takes a minute." Ephram croaked and quickly brushed his stray tears away with the back of his hands hoping his father wouldn't see him crying.
"I've never seen you this frightened from a nightmare. Are you sure you're ok? What did you dream about?" Andy asked with a worried air.
"Kinda horrible. The b-bus going over the cliff and it's like o-one of th- those out-of-body experiences where I'm watching myself. The sky is all m- misty and silver like a tornado is coming. And I'm standing on the edge of that cliff. The bus spins out of control, w-whizzes right passed me and goes over. Then I see me in the bus as it's tumbling down the cliff in slow motion." He swallowed hard. "Then all this sticky b-blood came out of nowhere. Then I realize it's MY blood because by then, I've popped back into the body in the bus. Blood was s-smeared on the broken w-windows and everywhere. I - I - I was so scared in the dream." Ephram stuttered. "It's like all the other ones."
"Other ones? You mean you've had this same dream before?" Andy said. Ephram nodded. "When did these nightmares start?"
"Oh, I dunno - about a few months ago." He shrugged.
"A FEW months - and you didn't think this was important enough to tell me?!" Andy was appalled and concerned at the same time. "Does this happen every night?"
"Not every night. I can't get it outta my head. The bus - the bus - it just flew over the railing and - and - the loud crash." Ephram's breath quivered. He winced and squeezed his eyes shut. "And the pain. Oh God, the pain -" He exhaled.
"Baby - it's ok. That part of your life is over now. Nothing's going to harm you ever again. Not if I can help it." Andy hugged his son tighter.
"Dad, I don't know what's wrong with me." He squeaked hopelessly.
"Shhhh." Andy held his son and rocked him in his arms. "Nothing's wrong with you. The depression, withdrawal, and anxiety you feel are all symptoms of post-traumatic stress."
"It's been over five months since the bus accident. Why can't I forget it?"
"For some people, post-traumatic stress doesn't appear until months after the incident. What happened to you was so severe and scarring that your brain is dealing with it the only way it knows how - thru your dreams." Andy's voice was soothing and calm. Ephram sensed this and felt more relaxed. "Wish you could've told me about these dreams though."
"I thought I could handle it. But sometimes, it's so real that I feel like I'm living it all over again. When I wake up, I'm covered in sweat and I forget where I am." Ephram looked up at his father.
"Well, you can't handle this all by yourself. Look at you - you look like you've just been dragged thru hell and back."
"The shakes go away after a while and the sweat dries up." Still with an arm around Andy's waist, Ephram pushed the hair out of his frightened eyes. "Dad?"
"What is it, honey?"
"What were you doing in my room?" Ephram wondered.
"Thoughts of you kept gnawing at my brain so I decided to crash here for the night on your sofa. Hope you don't mind." Andy smiled at his pride and joy.
"I don't mind. I'm glad you're here." Ephram snuggled passively under his father's strong arm.
"Better?" Andy noticed his son's shivering had subsided.
"Mmmm." Ephram confirmed.
"Now let's see if we can get you back to sleep." Andy suggested. His heart sank after seeing Ephram unwilling to release from the embrace. "Ok buddy, then scoot over at least. Make some room for your old man."
The nightmare left Ephram so badly shook up that it was impossible for Andy to return to his makeshift bed on Ephram's sofa even if it was only a few feet away. He drew the blanket up and made himself comfortable next to Ephram.
"You're loved very much. I won't let anything happen to you." Andy stroked his son's head mildly as the boy leaned his back against Andy's shoulder. "Close your eyes, baby, and try to get some sleep." Andy kissed the back of Ephram's head.
"I'm scared." He whispered.
"Do you feel safe?" Andy wrapped his free arm around the boy. Ephram sighed.
"Yea. I do. Because you're here." He decided.
"Good. Then you have nothing to worry about, do you? Now, try and sleep." Andy advised.
Just as Ephram was about to obey his father's request, the doorknob to his room turned slowly. The un-oiled door hinges made a tiny creaking noise as it opened. Delia's tangled head of hair poked through the crack of the door.
"Daddy? Ephram?" She mumbled rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. She squinted at the brightness from the lamp.
"Sweetheart, what are you doing up?" Andy said.
"I heard a sound and I went to your room to look for you but you weren't there." Delia replied as she came into the room and stood at the foot of Ephram's bed. She had on her matching pink cotton pajamas with all-over images of prancing multi colored ponies imprinted on the fabric. She had in her arms the same fuzzy blue teddy bear with the polka dotted bow that Ephram had won for her at the Plainfield Fair.
"Ephram had a bad dream. But everything's ok now. Go back to bed, sweetie." Andy reassured.
"Daddy, can I sleep here too?" Delia asked.
"No kiddo. Not this time. Now go back to your room." Andy answered softly.
"Aw dad, can't she sleep with us just this one time?" Ephram said seeing the disappointed look on his sister's face. She only wanted to be included. "I don't think I can go back to sleep without knowing that my WHOLE family is by my side." He pouted waiting for his father to accept his excuse.
"Oh, alright. I'll make an exception just this once. But your bed is going to collapse." Andy finally gave in. Delia hopped onto Ephram's bed happily. Ephram was lodged in between his sister and father cozily.
"Delia's so light, another 40 pounds won't make much of a difference." Ephram yawned.
"Was your dream very scary?" Delia questioned after curling up next to her brother with the bear in the crook of her arm.
"Yea." Ephram admitted. "But nothing I'd want to trouble you about."
"It was just a dumb dream anyway. Blueberry and I will protect you." Delia sat the bear on Ephram's stomach.
"Blueberry?" Ephram looked at the worn out plush bear with a permanently stitched smile. It stared at the ceiling with two black glassy beads for eyes.
Delia has never been this attached to any singular toy in all her life. Each time she got a new toy, she'd play with it to death for two weeks - one month if you were lucky. Then they get forgotten and dumped into her toy box when she grew bored with them regardless of how expensive or inexpensive they were. This particular toy that she lugged around with her was special.
The teddy bear was a cheap, dingy prize-toy, which held sentimental value close to Delia's heart because it was from her brother. Ephram had given her other gifts before but this one was different. She'd almost lost her brother that fateful day at the fair. His life had almost been taken away without any warning. Watching her brother lying on the concrete writhing in pain scarred her more than anyone knew. The bear was Delia's only comfort and hope when waiting in the lounge of the hospital for news on how her brother was fairing. Her father, at the time, had been flighty and moving from place to place trying to find out anything he could about his son's condition. The only thing Delia could do was hold onto Nina and that teddy bear. In her subconscious, the bear was a part of Ephram. Each time she took the bear in her arms, a little piece of her dear sweet brother was with her.
"Yep. Blueberry. That's his name." Delia said. "Because he's blue."
"Ah, I get it!" Ephram exclaimed while observing the bear. The fuzzy hairs of the plush toy knotted together and tiny lint balls were forming all over the bear's body. The fluff inside the bear had become flattened making an imbalance between the tummy and the head.
"OK you kids, time to go to sleep." Andy said and turned off the lamp. And tucked the blanket over his children.
"I love you guys." Ephram sighed.
"We know." Andy replied and ruffled Ephram's hair playfully. Delia gave Ephram a quick affectionate peck on the cheek and made Blueberry do the same.
Silence swallowed the room as they each closed their eyes and let the final thoughts linger through their minds before drowsiness consumed them entirely. Andy was most concerned with Ephram's shaky and fragile emotional stress level. His son resembled a ticking time bomb, which may or may not blow up at any given time. Thinking about it made Andy apprehensive. He wanted to be present if anything should happen. He wanted to be there to save Ephram's life or salvage what's left of it. Helping his son get better and show him how much he loved him were his first and foremost goals. Andy found himself praying a lot lately - something he hadn't really done in years. Delia's selfless thoughts about her brother's health ruled her mind. She often seemed to be the happy camper of the family but this didn't stop her from secretly worrying about Ephram. Her deepest fear was losing someone else she loved. After losing her mother, she realized how precious and breakable a life was. She nearly lost her brother twice. Delia grown even more attached to him after those incidents and she would never ever let go. Ever. Ephram had the most complicated thoughts of all. He had suicidal urges and unpredictable bouts of depression - those were things he couldn't deny anymore. They were very real. He was afraid of himself and what he might do if he should lose control. And those horrible nightmares he had every now and then that scared the living daylights out of him - those were the worst because they were uncontrollable. They forced him to relive the past - second by second. Ephram shuddered and nestled closer to his father feeling a sense of warmth and security. He wanted things to get better. They all did.
Finally, the three welcomed their tired minds to a peaceful sleep for the rest of the night.
* end of chapter 7 *
Author's Note: Thanks so much for reading!! :o) The next chapter will be up soon!