Chapter 4: In Which A Decision Is Finally Made, and Some Secrets Are Revealed

 [Author's Note: for the events referred to by Phoebe at the beginning, see True Love]

"And we had a better time than he did!" Phoebe cried triumphantly. "Just like we're doing now."

She beamed at Joey and Kathy, who beamed back. Joey had quickly realised that his prospects of lining up a date were severely hampered by being in a party with two women, so he had shelved the idea and led them all to a strip club that he remembered fondly. Phoebe and Kathy had entered into the spirit of the thing at once, but Chandler had been too embarrassed to let go in their presence. Phoebe was recalling the time when she, Monica and Rachel had taken Chandler to a club to help him get over the original breakup with Kathy, and had found some of the girls very attractive. She was on her fourth Mimosa, and getting livelier by the minute.

"Yeah, I remember now!" she cried. "It was two of those strippers that you got to spank Monica and Rachel that time, when they took their apartment back and you made them pay like a forfeit, and that all kinda kickstarted their romance."

"Phoebe, for God's sake!" Chandler protested, but at the same time Kathy cried, "I never heard about all that! Dish the dirt, Phoebe."

Phoebe needed no further encouragement. She began telling the story, appealing to Chandler and Joey for confirmation of various details. Joey cooperated eagerly, evidently feeling no shame at all about it, while Chandler sat glowering, feeling more and more acutely embarrassed, as well as worried about the glances Kathy kept giving him.

"It was all meant to be forgiven and forgotten," he complained, at a moment when Phoebe had paused to refresh herself.

"Forgiven, yes," said Phoebe, "but who could forget such a great story? Anyway, they told me what happened next …" She went on to recount how Monica had come on to one of the strippers and eventually made love with her, while Rachel had kissed the other but not gone much further.

"Aw man!" said Joey in loud disappointment. "You mean Rach didn't do anything? You've spoiled one of my greatest fantasies."

Phoebe waved a dismissive hand. "Anyway, Monica had, like, gotten in touch with her bi side, and realised what was between her and Rachel deep down, and she had the nerve to bring it out into the open."

Kathy sighed. "How sweet! So, Chandler and Joey, you guys played cupid without realising it."

"Yeah, and we got to see them nearly naked," said Joey with a lascivious grin. He too had had a fair amount to drink.

"Joey, you're disgusting!" Chandler shouted. "It's not an episode I'm proud of now."

"But they have forgiven you, and they got us together again," said Kathy, throwing her arms round him.

"Ooh! Ooh!" cried Phoebe. "Look at these hot babes!"

A nicely contrasted blonde and brunette pair had come out to do a synchronised strip. As it proceeded, Phoebe in particular showed enthusiasm to an extent that surprised the others, wolf-whistling, cheering and stuffing notes in the girls' g-strings when, perceiving a likely tipper, they came close to her. She noticed her friends' surprise, giggled, and swallowed the rest of her latest drink, of which she had only consumed half, with a flourish.

"Sh'll I tell you why I like these two s'mush?" she said, banging the glass down and sounding much drunker all of a sudden.

"Yeah, Pheebs," cried Kathy, and Joey said, "Yeah, go on, Phoebe, tell us why."

Phoebe looked around slyly and lowered her voice. "They remin' me of Rashel and Monica," she said conspiratorially. "Sometimes I could kick myself for never making a pass at either of 'em, when I hadda chances." She nodded. "Oh yeah, when I lived with Mon, and later when Rashel lived wi' me, I hadda chances. But I never hadda nerve." Suddenly she seemed sad, shaking her head and looking down into her glass. A tear rolled down her cheek.

"Thash too bad, Pheebsh," said Joey, who also seemed to have got much drunker. "Hey, maybe you 'n' me should try 'n' doubledate thoshe two shtrippersh."

Her mood changing dramatically, Phoebe shrieked with laughter and dug him in the ribs. "A new fantasy for you, eh, Joe? Never gonna happen." She shook her head several times and giggled.

"Can' blame a man for trying," Joey replied, grinning. "I've had threeshomes, but there was no girl-on-girl shtuff, jush two girls 'n' me." He looked proud.

"Guys, I'm really not enjoying this very much," said Chandler ill-temperedly. "What say we split?"

"Lesh go home 'n' shee Mon and Rash," Joey cried. "Maybe we could shurprise 'em doing shomething naughty!"

"Great idea!" cried Phoebe wildly, throwing an arm round his shoulder. Chandler looked despairingly at Kathy. "We'd better stick with them and make sure they don't misbehave," he said.

Kathy nodded. To Chandler's relief she did not seem nearly as drunk as the other two. "Fine with me. I was planning to stay over anyway." She winked at him. Heartened, he smiled back.

Getting Joey and Phoebe out of the strip club and into a cab was easier said than done, as they were drunk enough to be unsteady on their feet, and Phoebe was continuing her alarming mood swings. At one moment she was exclaiming sentimentally over what a sweet couple Monica and Rachel made, only to be saying rather fiercely next minute that she wished they would get on and have their damn baby.

"They got alla opportunities, an' they shilly shally aroun'," she complained bitterly. "Whereas … I wanna baby, but I got no way to get one."

"How 'bout I give you a baby, Pheebsh?" said Joey enthusiastically, throwing an arm around her. To Chandler's alarm, he looked in earnest.

Phoebe seemed to give this serious consideration for a moment. Then she laughed and tousled Joey's head. "No, you're too close to a baby yourself," she said affectionately, and went into a fit of laughter. Joey looked very offended and removed his arm.

"In fact, if I could choose who'd father my baby," Phoebe continued in a rather dreamy voice, "I'd choose – " and then she saw them all looking at her and said hastily, "No, never mind."

When they reached the apartment block, Joey and Phoebe went tearing up the stairs whooping like a couple of kids, but Chandler and Kathy soon caught them up, bent over gasping on the second landing. They were evidently feeling further effects of too much drink.

Kathy laughed. "Let that be a lesson to you," she said. "You can't run hard when you're full of booze. Now, we're not going to burst on Monica and Rachel like a bunch of ill-mannered kids, are we? We'll just knock like normal people."

Looking a bit shamefaced, Joey and Phoebe nodded and trailed after her and Chandler.

When Kathy knocked, there was no immediate answer. She waited, looking a little surprised, then knocked again. Rachel's voice called, "It's open." She sounded rather odd.

They went in, Joey and Phoebe jumping forward to cry "Surprise!" boisterously. But they froze just inside the room. Following, Chandler and Kathy saw that Monica was kneeling on the floor with her head in Rachel's lap. She turned a face streaming with tears towards them. Rachel, cuddling her and stroking her hair, also had tear-tracks down her cheeks.

"What's wrong?" cried Phoebe.

"That bastard Richard," said Rachel bitterly.

"Why, what's he done?" said Chandler angrily, pushing forward.

"We had agreed that Monica would ask him to father her child," said Rachel slowly. The listeners all drew in a breath. "And do you know what the bastard does?" She looked at them balefully. They shook their heads. "He says okay, fine, great, but he wants to do it the 'natural way'!" she spat out.

There was a stunned silence. Then Joey, looking bewildered, said, "What'sh sho wrong with that? It'sh mush more fun."

Rachel drew in a deep breath, looking furious, then let it out again. "Joey, can't you see?" she said in tones of only mild exasperation. "The point is, Monica doesn't want to be having 'fun' with Richard. She just wants him to produce sperm for a baby. But clearly he hopes that if he can get her into bed with him, she'll fall for him again and come back to him. It's, it's so insulting to her, it totally ignores our commitment to each other … ooh, I could shoot him!" She let out a single loud sob of apparent rage.

Monica wailed, "It would have been a way to have a special friend as the father. I would have liked that." But by now she was regaining control of herself and sat up, wiping her eyes. "I suppose it'll have to be the sperm bank," she said dully.

Chandler found himself stepping forward. "I know you had decided not to use me or Joey," he said, "But I'd like you to reconsider. I am totally ready to do this, the way you want. And if you'd like me to beat up Richard too, Joey and I can try it!" He smacked his hands together for emphasis.

Monica and Rachel produced watery giggles. Then Monica looked directly at Chandler and saw that he was completely serious.

"What about Kathy?" she said doubtfully.

"I'm sure she will understand," said Chandler, at the same moment as Kathy said, "I don't mind, honestly."

Monica got up, came forward and hugged Chandler tightly, sobbing a little again. "Okay, Chandler, I'll accept your offer," she said, "and thank you so very much. You're a real friend." She smiled at him from tear-filled eyes.

"Wheee!" cried Phoebe, jumping up and down. "Monica and Chandler are gonna have a baby! Let's shel … celebrate!"

"Seems to me you've done enough celebrating already," said Rachel humorously as she came over and threw her arms round Chandler too. Then she turned and hugged Kathy. "It's very good of you to be so ready to accept this."

"Yeah!" cried Monica, and threw herself on Kathy, shedding tears again.

"You've done a lot for us," said Kathy, clearly moved by their gratitude. "Just don't expect Chandler to do night bottle feeds."

Monica giggled. "I wouldn't have, anyway," she said. "Natural feeding for me; it's so much better for the baby, all the books say so. But you can change diapers and bathe the baby if you want to, Chandler. Of course, now is when we'll find out if I can conceive, and all that."

"I foresee no problems," cried Phoebe in prophetic mode. "Let's have a drink on it."

"Yeah!" cried Joey joyfully. "The firsht real baby of the group!" When they looked at him he explained, "Ben doeshn't count, ash Carol'sh not really one of ush."

Deciding to let this go, Rachel said severely, "No drinks, but I'll make some of our best coffee and get out the cookie jar."

"Ooh, cookiesh!" cried Joey. "Thash jusht ash good."

Chandler turned to Kathy. "Sorry to jump in without consulting you, but I felt I had to do it."

"You did the right thing, Chandler," she said, beaming at him. "I'm actually proud of you."

While Rachel started getting the coffee on, the others sat down in a glow of good feeling, marred only by Phoebe's hasty departure for the bathroom. She returned in a while, looking pale, and asked in a subdued tone if she could stay the night.

"I don't think I'm in a fit state to get home," she explained as she collapsed into a chair.

"Sure you can stay, Pheebs," said Monica. "Just go to the spare bedroom whenever you feel like it."

Joey had been sitting quietly, but his face had been changing from a happy to a glowering expression. Suddenly he said, "I hope you tole Rishard where to put it."

Monica shook her head. "I just dropped the phone and broke down. To have so little respect for our marriage … he's not the man I thought he was."

"He's clearly obsessed with you," said Rachel, putting an arm round her shoulder. "It's … warped him."

"Well, he better not come roun' Shentral Perk anymore," Joey announced fiercely. "I'll beat hish head in, for making you cry."

"You'll have to stand in line," said Phoebe darkly. "Say, do you think you ought to tell Janice? She was showing some interest in him."

Monica looked over at Rachel, who nodded. "Yeah, and we should tell Ross and Emily too."

"I know what else should be done," said Chandler. "Can I use the phone?"

Intrigued, Monica passed it to him. Chandler tapped in a number, listened for a moment, then said in a clear unhesitating voice, "Richard, this is Chandler. I'm ringing to say that you won't be welcome in Central Perk, and I doubt if Monica will want to see you ever again. If they still fought duels, I'd call you out for such ungentlemanly conduct. Goodbye."

He rang off and looked round, not triumphantly, but with the air of one who has completed a distasteful task. "Got his answer phone," he said, "so he'll hear it all. It had to be done."

"My hero!" cried Monica, throwing her arms round him and kissing him on the cheek.

"Go easy, Mon," he said, looking embarrassed, "or Kathy will think you have designs on me and not just my sperm."

"Sorry," she said, moving away again and glancing apologetically at Kathy, "but you've made me feel so much better. To be perfectly honest, I wouldn't actually mind doing it with you the 'natural way' … but that would make Rachel unhappy, and you should reserve that sort of babymaking for Kathy anyway."

Kathy giggled a bit nervously. "We haven't got that far."

"So, what did you guys get up to this evening?" said Rachel hastily, hoping to cover a rather awkward moment. Luckily, Joey needed no further encouragement, and soon he had to be halted in what was promising to be a blow-by-blow account of each successive strip act.

Not much later, the party broke up. Chandler and Kathy took charge of Joey, who was now very much the worse for wear, while Monica and Rachel saw Phoebe to bed, and then got ready themselves.

"I think you made a good decision, Mon," said Rachel. "Chandler showed up well tonight."

"Yes," said Monica, "I think he'll make a good father, after all."

-----

"He what?" cried Janice, so loudly that Rachel held the phone away from her ear. "Why, the self-centred son of a bitch! Couldn't he see what a great thing she was offering him? Okay, that does it. He can crawl on hands and knees for a date and he won't get one. Have you got his number? I'd like to give him a piece of my mind."

"There's no need to go that far," said Rachel, rather entertained by Janice's fierceness, "though I do appreciate your attitude."

"You girls have been very good to me," said Janice seriously. "My life has so changed since you decided to tell me the truth about Chandler and everything. I might never even have met Emily, if it hadn't been for that."

"You're very close to Emily, aren't you?" said Rachel carefully.

There was a silence at the other end, then a very quiet "Oh God,"  then more silence.

"Janice?" said Rachel, suddenly worried. "Are you okay?"

Janice produced a very deep sigh. "Physically, yes, I'm A-okay. Mentally … not so good."

"Do you want to talk about it?" said Rachel sympathetically.

"Could I come to see you and Monica?" Janice asked rather humbly. "I like to talk face to face, and it's something that will be of concern to Monica."

"Of course you can, but it'll have to be at the weekend," Rachel said. "We're generally not free until late in the evening, and you won't want to leave Maggie then."

"Could I maybe bring her Saturday morning for coffee and cookies?" Janice asked.

"Cookies shall be piled high," Rachel promised. "Hey, before I forget, we got off the original subject, which is that Chandler offered to provide sperm for Monica's baby, and we've accepted, and I–can't-talk-any-more-because-here-comes-Kim-back-from-her-smoking-break," she shot out very fast and put the phone down hastily, to the sound of Janice's laughter.

She had not been fast enough for Kim, who grinned a bit ironically. "More problems?"

"I was, um, telling Janice about the Richard business," said Rachel.

"Ah yes, Janice, your makeover success," said Kim. "I take it you don't envision matching him with her now?"

"Hell no!" cried Rachel fiercely. "The only thing I envision for Richard is running him out of town on a rail!"

Kim smiled at her. "I'd be happy to lend a hand. Anyway, back to work. Did you find those invoices?"

"Wouldn't you know it?" said Rachel. "They were in the middle of a bunch of papers that had to do with something else. And you were quite right about what you remembered …"

-----

Monica and Rachel lined up Phoebe to take Maggie out, while they talked to Janice. She was looking a bit strained, but not haggard or disshevelled, the way she had been when she first visited them a couple of months ago. Once she was settled down with a mug of their best coffee, she smiled at them a little nervously.

"It's good of you guys to see me," she said. "First off, I think you're right to go with Chandler. He's a good guy, for all his hangups. Well, now, here's my problem. You remember how we were talking, when you first told me about yourselves, and I said, sort of joking, maybe I should consider a relationship with a woman? Well, that one came back to bite me in the ass." She sighed and looked at them mournfully. "I think I'm in love with Emily."

Rachel nodded. "I guessed from your reaction to my question."

"I thought I'd kept it pretty well hidden," said Janice sadly.

"Well, when I said that, it was because I wanted to know if you were aware of Emily's feelings," said Rachel.

"Yes, that's what been bothering us," said Monica, "that it looked like Emily was developing feelings for you."

"Oh, do you think so?" cried Janice, brightening up considerably. Then her face fell again. "But there's Ross. I like Ross. I don't want to do a thing to hurt him." She put her head in her hands. "Oh God, it's such a mess."

Monica sighed. "That's not the end of it. We've been worried that Ross might have a sort of crush on you too. Has Emily spoken of this? Rachel mentioned it to her."
Janice looked up and shook her head. "No, but then we haven't seen each other much this week." She sighed again. "Oh God, I hope she's not mad at me because of Ross. I hadn't noticed that he was being unusually friendly, but then I'm … not used to being friends with a guy, so I don't know what is or is not usual behaviour in them."

Rachel sighed at the thought of what a sad life Janice must have had. But then she remembered that she too had never really had male friends until she ran away from her wedding to Barry.

"Look, Janice, no one's blaming you," said Monica. "It's not your fault that Ross gets crushes. Just try not to do anything to encourage him."

"But I like talking dinosaurs with him!" Janice protested. It took them a moment to perceive that she was joking. They collapsed into giggles, while she smirked, pleased with the joke's success.

"Okay, I'll try to keep things very cool with Ross," she said. "But what am I gonna do about Emily?" Suddenly there was real pain in her voice. "I couldn't bear not to see her. At least if I get to see her, I can bear it." She looked at them pleadingly.

Monica decided to ask a question that had been bothering her. "Janice, how sure are you that you are in love with Emily?" she asked. "I mean, what makes you think that?"

Janice did not pause to reflect for a moment. "I love having her come to visit," she said at once. "I feel all happy when she's there. In fact, every time I see her again, whether in Central Perk or their apartment or mine, I get this happy feeling. If she's not in Central Perk and I am, I keep looking up to see who's come in, hoping it will be her, and I feel very disappointed if it's not. I, I keep thinking of her: her face comes into my mind, and I find myself smiling." She paused and looked down. "I like … touching her," she muttered, "and her touching me."

"We've noticed you do that a lot," said Rachel.

 "Well, so did you guys, even before you got together," Janice objected. "Not just you two, but Phoebe too."

"True enough," said Monica. "Well, you certainly have many of the classic symptoms of love. Now, one of the reasons I ask is … well, do you think everything's right in Ross and Emily's marriage?"

Janice shook her head. "The things she says sometimes … I can't believe it is. Sometimes, when I'm there, he seems kind of distant towards her, but then he'll be very affectionate again."

"She spoke of that to me," said Rachel. "He goes off in his mind, but then he comes back, and usually that's when he starts putting pressure on about them having a baby."

"And there's another thing," said Monica. "Phoebe seems to be coming on to him a bit."

"Oh – my – God!" said Janice in old Janice-style, rolling her eyes. "This is worse than Days Of Our Lives. At least there aren't any doctors involved, and neither is Joey, bless him. He seems to have gotten the message, at least."

"Yeah, he went out with Chandler and Kathy and Phoebe earlier this week, and really tied one on," said Rachel. "That was the night we had the bad scene about Richard. Phoebe straightened Joey out about you, by the way – but she did it by pointing out who she thought had crushes on you … and she also told him, if you had a crush on anyone, she thought it was Emily."

"So everyone's getting to be in the know," said Janice rather dolefully. "Anyway, is there anything you think I should do, or can do?"

Monica and Rachel looked at each other. Monica decided to raise no hopes, but be practical. "I think we have to wait and see what Ross does," she said. "I think something's building there. If we can find out what, or maybe who, is on his mind, we'll be able to understand things better. Janice, can you bear to be patient? But it's always possible that things may resolve themselves a different way than you would like."

Janice sighed heavily. "I've managed so far," she said. "At least, now you know, I won't be going through this alone. That means a lot."

The door opened and Phoebe and Maggie came in. "Mommy, Phoebe bought me an icecream with three different flavours!" cried Maggie, running across to hug her mother.

Janice laughed and gathered her in, while Monica beamed with approval. But Rachel was looking at Phoebe, who was watching Maggie. That was the face of someone who desperately wanted a child, she thought. She wondered how far Phoebe might be prepared to go to get one.