Chapter 8: Settling Down and Sorting Joey Out
"See, Phoebe, it works like this," said Ross enthusiastically. "Right at the bottom of everything are these things that scientists have agreed to call quarks, which are the basis of neutrons and protons, and electrons, and neutrons and protons and electrons go to make up atoms, and atoms make up molecules, and combinations of molecules make up everything there is."
Phoebe giggled deliciously. "I do love these fairy stories you tell me, Ross," she said.
Everyone else held their breath. How would Ross react to hearing the very foundation of all science described as "fairy stories"?
Ross came through with flying colours. He drew a breath, but then let it out, smiled at her, and said, "I guess it is all fairy stories, really. We're trying to describe what is beyond the human mind to understand, so we use simple ideas. But" – for a moment his face grew stern and his voice rose – "there is better backing for my fairy stories than for the first chapter of Genesis!"
"Yeah, sure, Ross," said Phoebe placatingly. She took his hand and held it lovingly between both of her own. "I certainly believe that."
"That's because she believes God is female," Monica whispered to Rachel, who grinned.
"But aren't they cute together?" she whispered back. "Ross is making a real effort."
"So is Pheebs," Monica muttered. "She's not made any attempt to convert Ross to vegetarianism, and lets him cook himself meat when she's having dinner with him. And while she doesn't believe any of his science stuff she doesn't try to sell him on any of her weird stuff either."
"Yeah, and she's going to have his baby," said Rachel. "Isn't it great? He or she will be almost exactly the same age as ours."
Monica took her hand and squeezed it. "Our baby," she said, her whole face radiating happiness. "I can hardly believe, it's finally gonna happen."
It was two weeks on from what Chandler had irreverently referred to as the Big Switch-Around, and both Monica's and Phoebe's pregnancies had been confirmed, to the delight of everyone in the group. It had taken a few days of rather strained meetings before Ross, Emily and Janice could all be together in the same room on relatively easy terms, and both the new couples had to shake down together a little. Phoebe did not move in with Ross, but when she was not at his place, he was at hers, or they were both at Central Perk, so that they were only really separated when they went to work. Emily and Janice seemed to have no problems with working together – Janice had renewed the job offer, and Emily had happily accepted – and Emily had, as Janice said, proved a godsend in terms of looking after Maggie, collecting her from playschool, etc., since her job did not require to be in attendance on Janice every moment. But nevertheless for a while there seemed a little tension between them. So Rachel, whose practised eye had noticed this, took an opportunity to follow Emily to the bathroom in Central Perk one day and ask if there was a problem, suspecting she knew what it was.
Emily sighed and nodded. "It's the sex," she said a little dolefully. "We both want it, badly, but we're just not relaxed enough with each other to do it very well. My guess is, we're both so used to being with men and having them generally take a lead, or at least be the more active one, that we can't see very well how to go about things with each other."
Rachel nodded. "I thought so," she said. "Monica and I got together more slowly than you have done. Look, why don't we all have a girls-only talk after dinner some time – and we should include Phoebe, because we suspect that she has experience that Monica and I lack. You don't bear a grudge against her any more, do you?"
"No," said Emily, "I am too happy being with Janice to bear anyone a grudge. If we could just get this one thing right … that's a good idea of yours. Can you set it up?"
After taking the precaution of getting a few tips from Carol and Susan, Rachel set up a meeting, and the five of them had an evening of often startlingly frank discussion and frequent hilarity, fuelled by wine. Phoebe in fact led in frankness, admitting to a love affair with her old singing partner Leslie and also recounting without embarrassment her experiences, not all unpleasant, when she was in prison. She generally set herself to please and be helpful to such an extent that Emily abandoned any lingering hostility to her. The occasion had the effect of greatly encouraging Emily and Janice, and they were in a hurry to get away afterwards. The next time they came into Central Perk, when Monica and Rachel were there, Emily gave a demurely wicked smile in answer to their questioning looks and said, "Better than whishky!" at which they all burst out laughing, to Chandler and Joey's considerable surprise.
Janice also had an air of considerable satisfaction about her. "I'm like the cat that fell in the cream bowl, you guys," she murmured to them with a broad grin. "We're both very grateful. Our only problem now is keeping our hands off of each other when Maggie's about."
So that was all right, and the confirmation of the two pregnancies soon afterwards was an occasion for general rejoicing and the putting aside of any remaining grievances. Even Maggie was persuaded to forgive Ross for keeping mommy and auntie Emily, as she still called her, apart from each other. But she looked scornfully at her mother when she said that after all, it had only been for ten days.
"That's a long time, mommy," she had said, "longer than a week!"
Janice bit her trembling lip and said, "Sure, sweetheart. Actually, thinking about it, it certainly felt a long time, and I didn't know it was going to end like that."
"There you are then," said Maggie triumphantly, in a manner that strongly reminded Janice of Phoebe.
But of course, the world being an imperfect place, not everyone was so happy. Conspicuously, Joey was still displaying an uncharacteristic tendency to be gloomy, for he could now see Janice again but knew that she was beyond his reach, apparently for ever.
"It's okay for you," he said to Ross once when he was trying to cheer him up. "You already had Emily when Monica and Rachel got together, and now you've got Pheebs – and she was supposed to be my backup! But I haven't got anybody!"
It was beginning to be agreed that they needed to find someone for Joey, for he showed little interest in dating any attractive and potentially available women who happened by, even when they were drawn to his attention by his friends, and when he did go out with a girl, it never lasted beyond a first date.
"This is ridiculous," said Janice one day when the Joey situation was being discussed in Monica and Rachel's apartment. "I mean, I'm the last person to underrate myself, but surely I'm not so great as to ruin Joey for all other women."
Phoebe giggled. "Do you have any sisters, or even cousins?"
"Pray tell me, pretty maiden, are there any more at home like you?" sang Emily, quoting from her mental scrapbook of old songs, skits, quotations, literary references, and other trivia.
Janice laughed happily. "None like me as I used to be, which would have to be your base, if you're going to produce an imitation of me now."
"Impossible," said Emily with conviction. "You're unique."
"You flatter me," said Janice lightly, but they exchanged tender looks and hand squeezes. Monica and Rachel beamed at them, delighted to have another happy female couple to keep them company, in a way that Carol and Susan could not do, being far more into the lesbian "scene".
"Well," said Phoebe briskly, "unbelievable as it may seem, we may have to set Joey up with a date. I think I'll see if Bonnie knows anyone of the right sort."
"And what is that, Pheebs?" Monica asked.
"I think we've been going about this the wrong way," said Phoebe. "We need to get Joey, like, interested in sex again. Then maybe he can look for a relationship. It's all this romantic pining for Janice that's put him off sex, even." She nodded her head firmly.
"Why not Bonnie herself?" said Rachel a little cattily. "She certainly seemed to give Ross some great sex."
"Now, sweetie," Monica admonished, "that's all in the past, and you have no cause to be jealous of her now. But yeah, what about Bonnie?"
"Oh, she's seeing a woman at the moment," said Phoebe airily, "and while I've no doubt she might be willing to take Joey on too, and could certainly give him a good time, if Ross has one more lesbian or lesbian-acting woman around him he'll probably, y'know, break out in hives!"
They all laughed and agreed to leave it to Phoebe and Bonnie.
The next Saturday morning, the group had gathered in Central Perk for a leisurely mid-morning coffee and chat. Janice, Emily and Maggie were doing the weekend shopping, but all the others were there, and had begun their unstated, perennially renewed contest to cheer Joey up. At various times one or other of them had scored a success with a reference to a well-known nude or near-nude scene involving one or more actresses in a film, a report in the National Enquirer or some similar scandal sheet of lesbian activity involving celebrities, comments on the latest fashions in swimwear or lingerie, and the initiation of a discussion on the ideal sandwich filling. But today nothing got a positive reaction. Joey would smile, but in a strained way that suggested he was just humouring them, and most of the time he just stared into space or at his table, for he was not sitting with them but on his own, off to one side, as he had taken to doing a lot.. In desperation, Rachel was preparing to reminisce about the time they took Chandler to a strip club and the attraction they had felt to some of the strippers, when two new customers walked into Central Perk.
Phoebe whistled. "Hey, get a load of that!" she muttered.
Everyone but Joey looked, and many jaws dropped, for the newcomers were both gorgeous. One was clearly from the Indian subcontinent somewhere. She was very short, with skin a nice light biscuit colour, fine features, dark liquid eyes, an extremely kissable mouth, a rippling fall of black hair, and a spectacular hourglass figure, which was barely concealed by a very tight crop top and light cotton jeans that looked as if they had been painted on. The other looked classically Chinese, a bit taller and more willowy, with short black hair, a flawless complexion, an expressive mouth and merry dark eyes. Her t-shirt, just short enough to show glimpses of a flat stomach and pretty navel, and her jeans were almost as tight as her companion's, promising an equally well-proportioned if less abundant figure.
Rachel looked at Monica and whined, "Couldn't we be on a break, just for today?"
All except Joey laughed, Ross as loudly as any of them.
"Oh man, what a pair," said Kathy. "Joey, seriously, you should check these two out."
"What's the point?" said Joey morosely, continuing to sit hunched over, staring at the table top. "They wouldn't be interested in me."
The two young women got their coffees and looked around. There was still room elsewhere in Central Perk, but they came over towards Joey.
"May we sit here?" said the Chinese girl in a New York accent, standing by the other chair at his table.
"Yeah, sure," Joey grunted, not bothering to look around.
She took the chair and the Indian girl grabbed one from a neighbouring table.
"Why so gloomy, pretty boy?" she said in a slightly singsong accent. "It is surely your duty to be cheerful at all times and to make us all happy by seeing you smile."
"Yeah," said the Chinese girl, "it's kind of a public service you owe to all us girls."
Finally Joey turned around, and his eyes widened at the two extremely fine specimens of womanhood facing him. Slightly hesitantly, he produced a little smile.
The Chinese girl beamed and stuck out a hand. "Mary Chin," she said, "and this is my friend Sita Kumar. We're studying for a Masters at NYU."
"Pleased to meet you," said Joey in a dazed sort of way. "I'm Joey Tribbiani."
"I knew you looked familiar!" cried Mary. "You play that hot doctor in Days Of Our Lives. I never miss that show."
"It is only worth watching for the stars like Joey," Sita remarked rather snootily. "Personally, I think the plots are utter tripe."
Joey grinned in a self-deprecating kind of way. "Sure, but it pays the bills. I do other acting as well."
"Tell us about it," said Mary, leaning forward with an expression of intense interest.
To his friends' delight, Joey immediately plunged into an animated conversation with the two. His flashing smile was quickly in evidence, and it was clear to his friends, who were eavesdropping shamelessly, that both girls were very taken with him, and he was obviously very attracted to them. After a while, he leaned back in his chair and said, "Sita, Mary, I owe you an apology. What I should have said when you came to my table was" – he cocked a devilish eyebrow and put on his practised seducer's grin – "how you doin'?"
Phoebe groaned and put her head in her hands, but far from being turned off by this hackneyed line, the girls shrieked with delight.
"Well, in answer, I would say we are both doing extremely well," said Sita, with a knowing smile.
Joey did a double take. "Both?" he said in a near-croak.
"Both," Mary repeated firmly, her lips also curving in a rather wicked smile.
Joey seemed lost for words. Sita patted him on the hand. "It is a lovely day outside," she said. "Why do we not take a stroll and … maybe discuss the subject of our Masters, which is international relations?"
"Yeah, sure," said Joey, still dazed, and he allowed them to get him out of his seat and lead him to the door, putting their arms through his. As they did so, Mary caught Phoebe's eye and winked slowly and deliberately. Just before he disappeared, Joey turned back to his friends and favoured them with an enormous grin.
They had barely closed the door when with one accord Joey's friends burst out laughing, banging the arms of their chairs and slapping each others' shoulders.
Rachel was one of the quickest to recover. "I take it all back," she cried. "Bonnie is a miracle worker, Pheebs. Let's hear it for her!"
"Yeah!" chimed in Monica, clapping her hands together. "But mind, we will need follow-up reports to know whether the cure has taken fully."
"Did you see his expression?" Chandler choked out. "The guy just couldn't believe his luck. I wonder who he'll decide to have first."
"Chandler, that's coarse!" said Kathy, though she did not look really offended and broke into happy giggles.
"I guess he may not be calling the shots," Ross spluttered. "Those two looked very determined young women. I wish I had students like that!"
Everyone began to laugh again. Gunther came over, looking a lot more cheerful than he had been doing.
"Do I understand your friend Bonnie sent those two to cheer Joey up?" he asked Phoebe.
She nodded, giggling. "Want some more from the same stable?"
He grinned. "If they're like that, sure. Just seeing them has made my day."
There was renewed laughter, in which Gunther joined.
-----
No sign was seen of Joey for the rest of that day and night, but he made a happy if exhausted-looking appearance in Monica and Rachel's, late on Sunday morning.
"Any chance of some breakfast?" he begged. "Chandler and Kathy have used up all the cereal and the bread."
"Sure, Joey," said Rachel, jumping up and beginning to pull things down from the shelves.
"Are you sure cereal is gonna be enough to restore your strength?" said Monica slyly. "Want me to fry you an egg or two, maybe a slice of bacon, some hash browns, sausages?"
"That would be great," he said eagerly. "Because I do kinda need to build myself up a bit."
Rachel and Monica both burst out laughing. "Did they wear you out, then, Joey?" said Rachel insinuatingly.
Joey grinned. "We all had a very good time, and that's all I'm gonna say. Those are great girls, and as well as being hot they know all kinds of stuff … like Janice." He smiled in a reminiscent sort of way, but obviously he was no longer pining for Janice.
"Are you going to see them again?" said Monica casually as she began assembling the ingredients for a mammoth breakfast.
"Does a bear crap in the woods?" said Joey in a tone conveying amazement at such an unnecessary question. "We have a date for this evening, a movie and dinner."
It took quite a while to fill Joey up, but as Monica said later, it was worth every moment at the stove, and the severe depletion of her stores, to see him his old self again. So that was all right too.