Chapter 9: It Happens Again
"Phoebe," said Ross with the air of one whose patience is being stretched to the limit, "I am perfectly prepared to concede that there's lots we don't know, or only understand imperfectly. Every good scientist accepts that. But that's quite a different thing from expecting me to believe that the very foundations of science might be completely mistaken."
"Oh, and why?" said Phoebe, her eyes flashing.
She seemed to be putting a lot into this argument, Monica thought, and she sighed to herself. Recently Ross and Phoebe had been arguing more and more frequently, and more and more heatedly, anbout this kind of thing. No longer was either of them willing to end it by some light comment or some other way of defusing the situation. Instead, one or both would simply stop talking and look rather aggrieved, if not obviously sulk, and it would take a while for them to get over it and be nice to each other again. They had taken to arguing seriously over other things, too. Phoebe was evidently irritated by Ross's conventional approach to naming their child: he suggested ordinary names like James or Lucy, while she hankered for the truly exotic, and with a current interest in native American cultures wanted something like Crazy Horse or Buffalo Girl. Monica and Rachel had arguments about possible names for their child too, but they were friendly, not conducted with the kind of head-tossing dismissiveness and heavily sarcastic irony that Phoebe and Ross respectively showed to each other's suggestions..
"Because science is based on observation, on accurate measurement," Ross was saying very emphatically, "and numbers don't lie, they can't lie. One and one will always equal two!" He was almost shouting by the end.
"Numbers!" snapped Phoebe, waving her hands dismissively. "Numbers take the magic out of everything."
"Cool it, you guys," said Rachel anxiously, worried that this fight was getting out of hand. "Or Gunther will throw us out," she added in an attempt at a joke.
"Well, it makes me mad," said Ross unrepentantly. "I'm not always trying to change Phoebe's mind about the whole basis of what she believes in."
"No, you just ignore it!" Phoebe flared. "Like it wasn't worth Mr. Science's attention."
"Guys," said Monica, feeling it was time to intervene. "You shouldn't be arguing so angrily. It's not good for your relationship. Can't you agree to differ on this?"
"More to the point, it can't be good for your baby to hear its parents fighting," said Rachel.
"Oh, like he's going to take it in!" Ross snapped. "You're as bad as Phoebe!"
"You sang to Ben," Monica pointed out, just as Phoebe was saying, "What's that supposed to mean?" in a very combative tone.
Reminded of Ben, Ross subsided, looking a bit sheepish. But Phoebe wouldn't let it go.
"What was that supposed to mean, Ross?" she repeated in a gritty tone, glaring at him.
"I'm sorry, I was a bit hasty," he said in a placatory tone. "It's true, I both sang and talked to Ben when Carol was carrying him. Let's drop it."
"No, I'm not letting you get away with this," Phoebe said fiercely. "You think I'm dumb, don't you? Stupid Phoebe, who never went to high school, who'll believe any old junk" – she was almost crying by this time – "well, if that's what you think you can go and find yourself a smart girlfriend, I've had enough!" She jumped up and almost ran for the door.
Ross sat open-mouthed, apparently stunned by the suddenness of it, as, evidently, was Chandler.
"Go after her," Monica, Rachel, Kathy and Emily all urged Ross simultaneously. Only Janice remained silent, her face serious.
But Ross was looking obstinate. "I, I don't see why I have to accept being put in the wrong and having to apologise, just because I won't go along with Phoebe's cockeyed view of the world," he fumed. "It's all very well for you, you don't have to listen to it all the time."
"But Ross, she's carrying your baby!" Monica protested. "And pregnancy affects emotions. I have my ups and downs, don't I, Rach?"
"Yeah, sure," said Rachel, eager to support her, although in fact Monica had not had noticeable mood swings so far. If anything, pregnancy had made her more relaxed, as her dearest wish finally looked on line to be fulfilled.
"Ross, it's crazy to leave things like this," said Emily hotly. "I'll bet you she's regretting her outburst already, and if you just went and said you were sorry you'd flown off the handle – "
Ross had been able to accept the break with Emily, but that did not mean he was ready to accept advice from her.
"Ah, what do you know?" he said bitterly, then got up and stormed out – but he did not go in the direction that Phoebe had taken.
"Well, I like that!" said Emily indignantly. "Honestly, Monica, sometimes your brother – "
Janice put a hand on her arm. Instantly Emily stopped talking and turned to her.
"Yes, darling?" she said quietly.
"They're breaking up," said Janice a bit sadly. "I've seen it coming; let's face it, we've all seen the signs. There is a lot of love between Ross and Phoebe, no question, but their outlooks on life and the world and everything are just too different. It's better that they realise it now, and not when they're parents and feel bound to stay together for the child's sake, and so get more and more bitter."
All of them sighed as they realised the truth of this.
"Phoebe's tough," Janice went on. "She could handle bringing up a child alone if anyone could – and we'll all pitch in and help, won't we, guys?"
There were emphatic nods and a general murmur of assent.
"But this will be the fourth serious relationship that Ross has had that has failed," said Rachel unhappily.
"The fifth, if you count Julie, as you should," Monica put in. "Even the sixth, if you throw in Bonnie."
Rachel pulled a face. She did not like being reminded of how badly she had behaved over Ross's other relationships during that period. "I, I don't think Bonnie was very serious," she said rather defensively.
"Well, it's not over yet," said Monica optimistically. "Maybe they can patch it up, even see this as some kind of warning not to go so far."
Janice looked sceptical, but said no more.
"You're not really having moods, are you, Monica?" Kathy said. "You always seem so happy."
"I am," said Monica, "really happy." She beamed at them all. "I'm going to get what I've always, always wanted – and I have Rachel to help me bring the baby up." She took her hand and squeezed it. Rachel put her head on Monica's shoulder, beaming also.
"That baby's going to be born into a house full of love," said Janice sentimentally. "You guys are an example to us."
"Yes," said Emily, smiling. "Do you never quarrel?"
Rachel lifted her head and looked at Monica. "When was the last time?"
"Well, there was that time when …" Monica began rather uncertainly, and then she stopped. She could not think of anything. "Mind you, Rachel's very easy-going," she said eventually. "She always lets me have my way, so what is there to fight over?"
"But your way is the best way," Rachel protested lightly. "You think everything out so well."
"Except when it comes to clothes," said Monica, as if suddenly thinking of something. "Rachel is quite firm about what will and will not suit me, or is so out of fashion that I should not wear it even if it does suit me."
"Yeah, you'd still be wearing miniskirts if I left you to your own devices," said Rachel sternly.
"Ah, then here's something I guess you may fight about," said Janice, grinning. "Women don't like having their fashion sense questioned, even by other women."
"Well, yeah, we do have disagreements," said Monica. "But Rachel knows so much more about fashion than I do. I always wind up seeing it her way."
Emily threw up her hands. "You're too good to be true! But I have to say, Janice and I don't argue much either."
"Oh, not much!" said Janice in an ironical tone. "Why, we only argue about politics, and art, and literature, and … I could make a list."
"But those are just … spirited discussions," said Emily, grinning. "We don't get 'mad' at each other."
"Only occasionally," Janice agreed, smiling back at her, "and it never lasts for more than a minute or two. Yeah," she said to the others, "we've found this great thing about each other, that we can argue and argue and never lose our tempers."
"That's great," said Rachel, feeling rather overawed. She and Monica rarely discussed anything more intellectual than the latest TV documentary, and most of the time they talked about fashion, and soaps, and celebrity gossip, and articles in Cosmopolitan.
Emily smiled and winked at her as if she knew exactly what she was thinking. "Of course, we also play the fool a lot," she said.
"Sure we do!" said Janice with a wild giggle. "Let's give them that thing you were teaching me, the Monty Python Dead Parrot sketch."
"Well, I don't know," said Emily uncertainly. "You really need props for that, and to do it here …"
"Oh, go on!" Janice wheedled. "You do the John Cleese part so well."
Emily sighed. "All right," she said, as if badgered into it against her better judgement; but her twinkling eyes showed that she was actually eager to do it.. Shortly their worries about Ross and Phoebe were forgotten as Emily and Janice milked the classic sketch for all it was worth, bringing all conversation in Central Perk to a halt as everyone began to listen. The peroration that culminated in "This … is an ex-parrot!" brought down the house. Janice, who had desperately been trying to keep a straight face, with increasing lack of success, was reduced to a state of near-helplessness, so it was just as well that they had not prepared the sketch much beyond that point. There was considerable applause, and Gunther, still chuckling periodically, brought over a free cookie for Emily along with a glass of water for Janice, who had laughed so much that she had hiccups.
Which was all a lot of fun, Monica thought to herself as she and Rachel went back to their apartment after bidding the others a fond farewell, but it would have been a lot better if Ross and Phoebe had been there to hear it. They both loved Monty Python stuff, and it might have done them good to have a laugh. But, thinking about it more, she doubted if it would have helped in the long run. She was very much afraid that Janice was right, and that a breakup was inevitable. Ross was finding it harder and harder to conceal his total incredulity about a lot of things that were important to Phoebe, auras, star signs, lucky gemstones, healing crystals, and so on, while Phoebe seemed simply incapable of taking the scientific beliefs that were so important to him seriously.
It was while they were having dinner that the blow fell. Phoebe came in, with a tear-stained face. "It's no good," she said abruptly. "I've tried and tried, but I can't go on. I do have loving feelings for your brother, Monica, but I've realised I can never live with him. We're just too different." She sat down on the couch and burst into tears.
Hastily both of them went over and tried to comfort her. Being Phoebe, she got over her tears fairly soon, but she remained depressed. "I should have known better," she said sadly. "Now I've saddled the poor guy with another child he will only see part of the time, and left him high and dry relationship-wise."
"Come and have some dinner," said Monica comfortingly. "Things always look a bit better when you have some food inside you."
"We know how hard you've tried, Pheebs," said Rachel. "At least Ross will have the chance to see more of your child than he does of Ben, if you can stay friends with him."
"That's just it," said Phoebe, as she allowed herself to be led to the table. "Will he stay friends?" But she brightened noticeably when she saw the main dish. "Ooh, stuffed pepprs," she said eagerly. "I've been feeling a hankering for those. There's no meat in the stuffing?"
"No, it's totally meat-free," Monica assured her.
Phoebe was clearly hungry, for she laid into her helping with great gusto. She admitted that she had been walking around the streets for a long time, trying to decide what to do, and had come to the conclusion that she and Ross should break it off before they got any more hostile towards each other.
"If we don't have to try to agree, it will be better," she said. "I won't feel I have to try to cure him of his delusions about science. Say, what happened after I ran off, anyway?"
Monica explained. Phoebe very much regretted that she had not heard the Dead Parrot sketch.
"I'm sure they'll do it again," said Rachel. "They love performing, those two."
"But aren't they cute together?" said Phoebe enthusiastically. "Almost as cute as you two were at the beginning, when you'd come out and could show your love for each other."
The phone rang, and Monica answered it. It was Ross.
"Is Phoebe there?" he asked in a dull voice.
"Why, yes," said Monica. "She came in a short while ago, and is having some dinner with us. I guess you want to talk to her."
Ross sighed very deeply, so that it was almost a moan. "How does she seem?"
"Ross, you'd better talk to her yourself," said Monica firmly. "She has something important that she wants to say to you."
Ross sighed again. "I think I can guess what. Okay, put her on."
Phoebe took the phone out onto the balcony and stayed there a long time. Monica's and Rachel's straining ears could not hear her raise her voice, and though at one point she seemed to be crying she stopped quite soon. Eventually she came back in again.
"We've agreed to split up," she said soberly. "But he will go on taking an interest in the baby, naturally, and wants to help raise him or her. He did ask to be excused coming to the prenatal classes for a while, though." She gave a great sigh. "Oh well. At least I now know the answer to one of the things that I have thought about over the years, which is, what it would be like to be Ross's girlfriend." She looked at Monica with tear-filled eyes. "You were both so kind to me when we first got to know each other, and I was all prickly and defensive, not knowing how to be friends with ordinary people. He was like a brother, only a brother I could fantasise about. I don't know why I started doing it again recently. I guess it was because he seemed the best possible father for the child I so wanted to have." She sighed again. "Relationships are tough."
"Never mind, Pheebs," said Rachel consolingly. "I'm sure you'll find someone."
"It's not me I'm worried about, it's him!" Phoebe snapped. Then she looked apologetic. "Sorry, Rach. I'm on edge. But you do see, this is likely to hit him hard, and worse because it's not so long since his marriage went belly-up?"
They both sighed and agreed.
"Do you think I broke them up?" said Phoebe in a moment, looking painfully vulnerable. The idea was clearly bothering her a good deal.
There was a short silence. Glancing at Monica, Rachel thought she looked like she did blame Phoebe, but Rachel had given this some thought, and she had a different view.
"No, Pheebs, you didn't," she said, so emphatically that Monica looked at her in surprise. "Ross did that, all by himself. Just like he did with me, he jumped to a conclusion and didn't hesitate to act on it. I mean, he didn't have to go to you for consolation, let alone go to bed with you. He could have waited to confront Emily, and find out the truth for sure. No, I'm afraid, for someone who sets so much store by science, he does have a habit of letting his emotions run away with him."
"He's never been right, since breaking up with Carol," said Monica in an agreeing tone of voice. "He was so afraid of losing you, Rach, that he did all kinds of stupid things."
"What are we gonna do for him?" said Phoebe despairingly. "Can't we get him to trust any woman? I mean, with me that wasn't the problem, it was just, like, basic incompatibility, but it was the problem with Rachel and Emily."
Rachel nodded, looking glum. She turned to Monica.
"We'll have to put some real effort into this," said Monica, in her organising tone of voice. "We must go through all our acquaintances and see if we can't find someone he might click with – and we must get everyone we know involved."
They agreed, and finished their meal in a subdued mood. Phoebe volunteered to stay away from the apartment and Central Perk for a few days, to give Ross time to get over her, but the others objected.
"It might make him worse, to know he's the reason you're not around," said Monica. "And at the moment, we just don't know how he's going to behave, though I'm not optimistic."