Chapter 13: Waving, Not Drowning

Author's Note: there is a reference to Joey's trip to Las Vegas to make a film in this, one of the events in Series 5 which I am assuming did actually happen – but not everything that went with it, obviously.

-----

"Chandler, it's so good to see you," said Rachel enthusiastically, beaming at him as they took their old seats in Central Perk.

"Yeah, it's such a shame Joey couldn't come too," said Phoebe rather unhappily as she eased herself into a chair.

"Well, he's locked into this shooting schedule," said Chandler apologetically, "and he knows he can't afford to cross the studio brass. He doesn't have a big fanbase, like on Days Of Our Lives, when he might have been allowed to miss rehearsals."

"Still, it sounds like he's fallen on his feet," said Monica.

Chandler grinned. "That, or another part of his anatomy. Let's face it, he got the part because the casting director had the hots for him. Luckily, he thought she was cute too."

They all laughed.

"Same old Joey!" said Phoebe fondly. "So, did he go looking for Kate Miller?"

"Yeah," said Chandler, "and he actually found her. But surprise, surprise: she's with someone else."

The women sighed sympathetically.

"Did he take it hard?" asked Monica.

Chandler looked thoughtful. "He was a bit quiet for a day or two, but then he went for this casting interview and came back all smiles."

"Is he still with the casting director?" Rachel asked.

"Surprisingly, yes," said Chandler. "Kathy thinks this is going a bit deeper than his usual love affairs. Maybe moving away from New York has made him grow up a bit."

"And how is Kathy?" Monica asked.

Chandler smiled. "She's fine. She's really enjoying the work, and being in LA, and all that."

"And what about you?" Monica pursued, smiling at him affectionately.

Chandler hesitated for a moment. His face seemed just a little troubled. "I suppose I should be grateful that I could arrange a transfer, and of course I'm delighted that I can be with Kathy. But …" He fell silent.

"But?" Phoebe prompted.

"The job I have is even more boring than the one I left!" he said explosively. "But we need my salary to cover rent and so on. We have a nice place, with lots of room for all three of us, but it costs."

They looked at him with great sympathy, but any comment that might have been made was overridden by a shriek of joy in a familiar voice.

"See, Maggie, it's your uncle Chandler!" cried Janice.

Maggie ran over to give Chandler a hug, followed by Janice and Emily, who were laden with the bags of the weekly shopping expedition. Chandler got up to give them both a warm hug and kiss.

"You're looking well, Chandler Bing," said Janice affectionately. "California must agree with you."

"Maybe it's just getting away from all of us," said Emily, grinning at him.

Chandler smiled, but in a rather strained way which Janice picked up on instantly.

"What's the matter?" she said more quietly. "Things not going so well?"

"It's his job," said Phoebe.

"Basically, I hate it," said Chandler rather savagely.

Janice sighed. "Where have I heard that before?"

"No luck with that script?" Emily asked.

Chandler looked a little shamefaced. "We've been so busy … I, uh, I haven't got round to it."

Just then Gunther arrived to take further orders. But if Chandler hoped that this would create a diversion in which the topic could be dropped, he was mistaken. Once orders had been taken and Janice, Maggie and Emily had settled down, they fixed him with determined glances.

"Chandler, that script represents far and away your best hope of breaking out of the corporate life," Emily said rather sternly. "I'm sure you could find the time to get yourself an agent to hawk it round the studios."

"Better yet, why not use Kathy's agent, or Joey's?" said Janice. "Sure, it's a step into the unknown, but you really should take it."

"Yeah, believe in yourself, Chandler," said Monica. "That script is funny. Have you written any more?"

Looking rather hangdog, Chandler muttered evasively.

"You've been laying back, I guess," said Phoebe acutely. "Which is all right as a relaxation from your job, but like Emily says, that script is your best hope. You've got to get off your butt and do something." She leaned forward and looked at him earnestly.

Chandler seemed to quail as six pairs of female eyes, including Maggie's, fixed on him. He licked his lips. "Okay, I promise," he said just a little hoarsely.

"Poor Chandler," said Rachel sympathetically, "we are putting you through it. But it's for your own good. We want to see you happy. And I'll just bet Kathy's saying precisely the same things."

Chandler grinned a little ruefully. "You got that right. Okay, I will do it, I swear. So, anyway, enough about me – how are you guys doing, especially Monica and Phoebe?"

"Well, I've been through this before," said Phoebe brightly, "and carrying one baby seems a lot easier than three. It's going okay."

"It's a great help having Phoebe next door," said Rachel. "She knows what to expect, so if Monica starts getting worried, she can calm her down, which is more than I can do sometimes." She bent an only partly faked frown of reproof on her partner.

Monica smiled. "Yeah, having Phoebe, as well as Rachel, to support me, is great. I wouldn't have liked to do this on my own, the way Phoebe had to do."

"Oh, but I had great support from you guys!" cried Phoebe. "Don't think I didn't appreciate it, then and … later." Her face went sad for a moment; evidently she was remembering having to give up the babies she had carried for her brother and sister-in-law. Then she brightened up. "I'm getting a brand new Ross-and-Phoebe baby. That will make up for everything. Oh, and by the way, Chandler, the chick and the duck seem fine, though they do occasionally wander around as if they were looking for you. Maybe you should drop by."

Chandler nodded. "How is Ross, anyway?" he asked.

"Oh, he's fine too," said Monica happily. "He and Julie are so good together. I told you over the phone they'd got engaged, didn't I? They're planning to get married after we've given birth, so we can take part, and the babies can be there too."

"Yeah," said Janice a little sourly. "Which is fine and all, and I'm very happy for them, but I wish Ross would stop saying third time lucky!"

"It doesn't bother me, Janice," Emily assured her.

"That's what you say," said Janice, smiling at her, "but it sure bothers me! Though if you hadn't been unlucky, I guess we wouldn't be in this great place right now."

Emily took her hand. "We're actually thinking we might get married, too," she said to Chandler, "but one marriage at a time is quite enough for this group to freak out over."

"Who's freaking out?" said Monica somewhat indignantly.

"You are," said Rachel, looking at her fondly and putting her hand over hers. "Don't even try to deny it. You've been as excited about Ross and Julie's marriage as you were about ours. I have to say," she commented, looking at Chandler, "Julie is showing great forbearance, with two Geller women sticking their noses in at every opportunity and going on as if the wedding was next week, rather than months away."

"The other Geller woman would be Judy, of course," said Chandler. "Well, that's how it goes when families get involved. If Kathy and I get married, I'm sure my mom will descend in her chariot of fire and try to take it over. But Kathy's mom might have something to say to that."

"Ooh, do you think you might?" said Rachel eagerly. "Could we be bridesmaids? After all, we did get you together again."

"Rach, we are married," Monica pointed out. "Just not to guys. Married women can't be bridesmaids."

Rachel looked crestfallen. "Yeah, I suppose. That was dumb of me."

"I suppose that rules us out too," said Janice mock-dolefully. "We've been married."

"Maggie could be a bridesmaid," said Emily. "Even if she is a bit young. Would you like that, darling?"

"Oh yes," said Maggie. "Uncle Chan'ler, get married quick as quick! None of my friends has been a bridesmaid."

Chandler smiled fondly at her. "This is all going much too fast," he said. "But if we get married, I promise we'll think of you. But you'll all have to come out to LA. I think Kathy's going to want to stay there."

"Some day we should come out and see you anyway," said Emily. "I've seen very little of America, and I'd like to see LA, the safe bits, at least."

Chandler looked suddenly sad. "Luckily for us, the bad area is way off to the south. But it's awful to think of. It's so … senseless."

There was a rather sombre silence, which was broken by Maggie, who had not, of course, understood what was being referred to.

"Can I have a cookie, mom?" she said wheedlingly.

"Of course you can, sweetheart," said Janice fondly. "Gunther!" she called. "Bring me some of your best cookies, please."

Gunther appeared in a moment, beaming at Maggie. He was as fond of her as all the others were.

"This is almost like old times," he said, looking at the group. "But where are Ross and Julie?"

"Oh, they're shopping around for something or other to do with the wedding," said Monica casually.

"And you're not giving them advice?" he said, raising his eyebrows.

There was a fair amount of laughter. That was pretty good, for Gunther.

Monica grinned and shook her head. "No, seeing Chandler comes even before choosing stuff for a wedding."

"And Joey?" said Gunther.

"He's shooting this film," Chandler explained. "I only got over here because I volunteered to bring a report to head office and make the presentation that goes with it." He pulled a face. "Believe me, it'll be a miracle if I don't go to sleep in the middle of my own report. But that's corporate life for you – boooRING!"

Gunther looked sympathetic. "Yeah, I'm glad I never got into that world. I've overheard customers bitching about it." His gaze fell on Phoebe's and Monica's now very evident bulges. "Everything going well?"

"It certainly is," said Monica, while Phoebe grinned and nodded.

" How long to go now?" he asked.

"Five weeks at most, for me," said Phoebe. "It may be a bit longer for Monica."

"Well, once they've been born and you're settled, be sure you bring them in," Gunther said. "It's never too soon to get a new generation used to Central Perk." He smiled at Maggie again and wandered off.

"Do you think Gunther will still be here when our children are old enough to come in for coffee?" said Monica to Phoebe.

"Well, look, Maggie's already here," Phoebe pointed out. "But if you mean, like when they are teenagers or older, well, he might be. He certainly seems to like the job."

"Do you suppose he has anybody?" said Rachel. "Tucked away somewhere, I mean?"

They all looked thoughtful. "Gunther's a real dark horse," said Phoebe eventually, "but I doubt it. First he had that long crush on you, and then recently he got this crush on Janice – "

"What's a crush, auntie Phoebe?" asked Maggie innocently.

"It's when you think someone's very nice," said Phoebe, "so nice you may even think you're in love with them – but you aren't, not really, you just like seeing them around."

"So, do I have a crush on Uncle Chan'ler?" Maggie continued. "Because I like seeing him around. He makes me laugh."

They all laughed in a friendly way at this one. "You're too young to have crushes, sweetheart," said Janice. "But give it ten years, maybe less, and you might start having them. You'll understand the difference between just liking someone and having a crush on them much better then."

Maggie looked discontented. "You're always saying things like that," she said. "I wish I could get older faster, so I could unnerstand things."

Emily shook her head at her. "Don't," she said. "Grown-ups, even teenagers, may seem to understand more about the world, but the more you know, the harder it gets to just have fun without any worries, the way you can when you're a child. And you've got school to come. That's fun, really, though you may not always think so."

There was a murmur of amusement.

"Whoops," said Janice, looking at her watch. "We ought to be getting you round to Carol and Susan's, little lady. She's going to play with Ben," she informed the company, as she and Emily rose to their feet, gathering up store bags.

Everyone smiled in approval.

"Maybe we've got the nucleus of a new group there," said Chandler lightheartedly. "Do you like Ben, Maggie?"

"Oh yes," said Maggie, smiling at him. "He's cool, like uncle Joey says."

Making their farewells, Janice and Emily moved towards the door.

"Just you make sure you do what you promised, Chandler Bing," Janice called. "I'm holding you to it."

He raised a hand in acknowledgement. "I will, I truly will."

-----

"They bought it!" Chandler virtually screamed down the phone. "They bought my script! They want me to write more! They're planning to take it into production and cast for a pilot!"

"Oh Chandler, that's so great!" Rachel replied, also in a near-scream and jumping up and down in excitement. "They bought his script!" she shouted to everyone assembled in the apartment.

Amid general cries of delight, Janice asked, "Who's bought it, though?"

"Yes, it shouldn't be some fly-by-night bunch like the ones that let Joey down, that time when he went to Vegas," said Emily worriedly.

"Okay, okay," said Rachel, waving them down, and then, into the mouthpiece, "We all want to know, Chandler – who's bought it?"

"Only HBO," said Chandler proudly. "They have a record for taking a flyer on unknowns. But I owe a lot to Joey's and Kathy's agents. They both pitched it to some studio brass independently. Look, Joey and Kathy are both wild to go out and celebrate and Kathy has a death grip on my pants, so what can I do? I'll call you again soon." Before Rachel could utter another word, he was gone.

"Well!" she gasped, flopping back onto the couch next to Monica. "Isn't that great?"

"It's certainly a big step forward," said Janice. "I won't be entirely happy until he's got a contract and all – and happier still, of course, when it's seen on TV and takes off."

"But it's a tremendous feather in his cap, all the same," said Emily. "I knew that script was good when I read it. I wonder if I'll get any kind of acknowledgement for the title."

"What is the title?" said Bonnie, who was visiting Phoebe and had been invited in to coffee. In fact, everyone was assembled.

"Waving, Not Drowning," said Emily. "You see, it's all about the struggling writers and artists in the Village. They often meet in a coffee shop that's a bit like Central Perk, but rather more downmarket."

"Hey, is that meant to be based on the poem?" said Ross.

"Yup," said Emily. "This is a poem by someone called Stevie Smith, titled Not Waving But Drowning," she explained to the others. "It's so striking I committed it to memory a long time ago. I hope they'll read the first verse as a voiceover during the introduction or something, to explain the title."

"You and your quotes!" said Janice fondly. "How does the verse go?"

Emily opened her mouth, but Ross forestalled her:

"Nobody heard him, the dead man,

But still he lay moaning:

I was much further out than you thought

And not waving but drowning."

Then he looked at Emily expectantly. She took it up.

"Poor chap, he always loved larking

And now he's dead

It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,

They said."

Then both looked slightly embarrassed and paused, looking at each other.

"Come on, come on, there must be more!" said Janice. "What's the problem?"

"It's … rather a sad ending," said Emily a little tremulously.

"Well, if he's drowned, it's bound to be," said Janice robustly. "Spit it out."

Emily sighed.

"Oh, no no no, it was too cold always

(Still the dead one lay moaning)

I was much too far out all my life

And not waving but drowning."

Then she produced a handkerchief, blew her nose hard, and even appeared to dab surreptitiously at her eyes.

"Well …" said Janice a bit uncertainly, and stopped. She looked around, to see that most of those were looking rather down, apart from Phoebe, who was absorbed in a counting game with Maggie and apparently paying no attention.

"Hey, come on, you people," she said. "What, are you thinking this applies to you? No way."

"It could have done, once," said Ross. "Not so long ago, in fact." He glanced at Phoebe and lowered his voice. "When things were going wrong …"

"But now you've got Julie!" cried Janice, causing Julie to beam and hug Ross's arm. "Sure, there've been times when I felt like that, when I left Chandler, which I hated to do, and went back to Gary, and then broke up with him finally, and then again when …" She paused and looked at Emily, who reached across, took her hand, and squeezed it very hard.

Janice appeared to swallow and went on, her voice steady, "But look at me now! Look at all of you! Well, I don't know about you, Bonnie, but everyone else here has things going well for them, even if they were a bit rocky at one time. And now Chandler's made a good start, and obviously he and Kathy and Joey are all happy together over there."

"Yeah!" said Rachel. "Well said, Janice! It's stupid thinking about how things might have gone better in the past, when really they're pretty darned good now."

"Sorry to have introduced a bit of a downer," said Emily penitently. "I can't resist interesting little poems and quotations and things like that. I'm a snapper-up of unconsidered trifles, in fact, and that's another quote." She cocked an eye at Ross as if challenging him to recognise it.

Bonnie laughed delightedly when he looked baffled. "It's Shakespeare, The Winter's Tale," she said. "We did it in high school. It has the best stage direction ever."

"What's that?" said Phoebe, who had apparently started listening to the conversation by now.

"Exit, pursued by a bear," said Bonnie gleefully, widening her eyes, baring her teeth and raising her hands in bent claw shapes. She was looking at Maggie, who had turned to see what Phoebe was suddenly interested in. Maggie gave a delighted shriek and ran from her seat, to be pursued around the apartment by Bonnie, roaring and lumbering, amid much laughter and cheering on by the others, before she was finally caught, hugged, kissed, and let go.

"You know," said Bonnie when she returned to her seat, "I envy you, Phoebe, Monica. I know pregnancy is uncomfortable by this stage, and giving birth is, um, the opposite of a blast, but you'll have a child shortly, who should be the apple of your eye from day one. You can't put a value on that."

Both Phoebe and Monica looked very pleased.

"Well, I hope you get the chance some day, Bonnie," said Monica, "though, um, it's more difficult if your partner's a woman."

"Oh, that's only for fun, on both sides," said Bonnie airily. "No, I'm looking around. The way I see it, I've still got plenty of time, and I have taken one positive step." She ran a hand through her fine blond hair. "I won't go bald again until I've got the man well and truly hooked, and he agrees."

"Oh don't!" Rachel cried, again feeling a pang of remorse over her bad behaviour in the past. "If you only knew how badly I feel about that now!"

"As Sam Goldwyn is supposed to have said, we've all passed a lot of water since then," said Bonnie, grinning at her in a friendly way. "Don't sweat it, Rachel. I don't bear you any malice. I'm pleased to see that you and Ross have both found happiness, if not with each other."

"They're both better off than they would have been with each other," said Phoebe firmly, "and I think they know that."

"Yeah, it seems like we all have finally found our soulmates," said Ross, "except for you, Pheebs, and Joey, of course. Maybe you should hitch up."

Phoebe giggled. "Well, I've said it before and I'll say it again: you could do a lot worse than Joey Tribbiani. I'm still his backup, for if we're unmarried at forty. But I'll be surprised if we haven't found someone to settle down with by then."

"Yeah, what about that submarine guy?" said Bonnie. "Surely he won't be going on doing these half-year dives for ever."

"No, it's the mathematician in Minsk that she really loved," said Rachel insistently.

Phoebe grinned and nodded.

"But even if we get Pheebs fixed, we still have to find someone for Joey," said Ross.

"It should not be beyond the wit of the assembled company to manage that," said Julie lightheartedly. "They got us together, after all."

"Yeah, thanks to Richard having met you," said Rachel. "Have you heard any more from him, Mon?"

"He did ring a while back, just to ask how things were going," said Monica. "He's still seeing his optometrist colleague, and he sounded pretty cheerful. I think we should let him know when the baby's born, don't you? I'm not mad at him any more."

"If you say so, Mon," said Rachel, smiling at her sunnily. "You know I can't refuse you anything."

"There you go," said Monica, "and only two days ago you were adamant that I could not buy those boots I liked so much."

"They would have looked darned good on you," said Rachel, "but they would have crippled your feet. I should know: I tried a pair once."

As they bickered in a friendly way, with the other women putting in a comment now and then, Ross gazed at them benevolently. It would be nice if some of the others decided to get pregnant soon, he thought, so they could have the makings of a group of children, with Ben and Maggie as its leaders. If they all grew up together, maybe they'd become as good friends as their parents were. With all the advice and examples they would have to draw on, maybe they might even make fewer mistakes in life and love – but that might be too much to hope for.

(Author's Final Note: it should be obvious that I have no intention of creating further difficulties for my beloved characters. Monica's and Phoebe's babies will be born without problems; Chandler's sitcom will succeed, he will be able to leave his boring corporate job, and he will marry Kathy; Ross will marry Julie and have children, as will others of the enlarged group; Joey will do reasonably well as an actor in LA and eventually meet someone he wants to settle down with, etc. etc. Maybe David will even come back from Minsk and marry Phoebe, though I suspect she could be perfectly happy with a much-wanted child, her secure place in the group of friends, and occasional lovers)