Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. I am making no money from this.

Self-Insert Saga - Gundam Wing

By Kynthia, Cricket, and Coley

Chapter 4

Kynthia stalked down the hallway of the OZ base. She grinned sadistically as the privates scattered. She was having fun.

Things had only gotten better when she had sent Hilde on that suicide mission this morning. She was also getting the opportunity to look over the new recruits that would be transferring to the base today. She could inspire fear into them early. She released an evil cackle that spooked all including some of the higher ranking officers.

Her boot heels made clinking noises on the tile. She liked that noise. Clinking was so much more fun than clicking.

When she arrived in the yard, she quickly sent a private to get a doughnut. She then began to watch the recruits as they sweat under scrutiny. After a few minutes she noticed something. Well, first she noticed that she still didn't have her doughnut, but then she noticed something that may or not be important to the story. The law of randomness dictates that anything can happen so who knows how this will end anymore.

One of the recruits was…a gundam pilot.

It wasn't just any gundam pilot either. It was the Justice Warrior (A/N: yes it deserves caps) himself. Wufei was here.

Poor Wufei. (A/N:If you thought Trowa had it bad you ain't seen nothing yet.)

Kynthia quickly clamped down on her fan girl instincts that demanded that she glomp him with all her might right there in front of everyone and squeal his name happily. After all, this self-insert has to be different than the rest of the self-inserts in the world.

She snapped out of her fan girl trance when the private finally returned with her doughnut.

She turned quickly to take her anger out on the unsuspecting twit. He had it coming though. I mean, who would be stupid enough to leave her waiting for food! She was likely to turn cannibal at any given minute.

"What took so bloody long?" she demanded. 'I always wanted to use bloody instead of damn in a sentence.'

"Ma'am, I had to fight three privates and two rats for this doughnut." He looked like he was ready to either cry or die from blood loss from the mass of scratches on his face.

"Rats were near my doughnut! I don't want it anymore." Kynthia turned and stuck her nose in the air in an attempt to look like a snobby officer.

The private's eyes grew wide in shock as he shakily held the doughnut out like an offering. "But-but-"

"Are you saying something about my butt? What's wrong with my butt?!" She glared and turned to look behind her. "Do these pants make it look big? I know the coat makes me look a little hippy."

The private's jaw dropped. "I was infected with rabies ma'am. I endured this all for your doughnut."

She just looked at him.

He suddenly dropped to the ground in convulsions and foaming at the mouth. When the convulsions slowed, Kynthia, or Lieutenant Aardvark, poked him with the toe of her boot. She then looked around to see if anyone had noticed. No one seemed to be paying her much attention so she slowly walked away. She then turned back and picked up the doughnut.

'Hmm… if Coley were here she could have set the rats on all those who are present. Willard!' (A/N: The authors do not claim Willard.)

Kynthia tossed the doughnut over her shoulder. It hit Wufei on the head. She continued walking. Momentarily, Lady Une stormed out of the building, searching out the final powdered doughnut. She spied it in Wufei's hand, snatched it, and inhaled it. All of this in less than thirty seconds. Kynthia turned around just in time to see Une devour the last bite. Unbeknownst to all involved, Lady Une was starting the beginning of the end. Now she would slowly die a horribly painful death due to a mutated form of the rabies virus and a mild case of food poisoning. But of course this would take a few weeks. In a flash of something almost-but-not-entirely unlike brilliance Kynthia wheeled on the new troops and eyed Justice Boy.

"You!" she shouted. "I have a special mission for you." She rubbed her hands together in typical evil villain fashion. He visibly paled, but proceeded to stand in front of her and salute. She leaned toward him conspiratorially.

"Here's what I want you to do."

He nodded.

"Go to the neighbor's yards, all over the whole base, and steal their lawn gnomes."

Blink. Blink. "Lawn gnomes?"

"Yes. The lawn gnomes. I want none of the pink flamingos now. Just lawn gnomes. Then I want them gift-wrapped and delivered to Lady Une with a message reading 'From Treize with my love.' Also, I want a few sent to a Ms. Relena Peacecraft with a message that says only 'Heero'. Paint those pink."

Blink.

"Are you a fish or an OZ soldier? Get moving!"

He saluted sharply and left, shaking his head. He was going to make sure he included in his report that if that particular commander was left to run OZ, there would be no need for the Gundams.

Kynthia returned to her quarters. On the way there Hilde mysteriously reappeared from the before-mentioned suicide mission. Alive.

"Hi! Lieutenant Aardvark! I enjoyed my mission although the people were much like Americans, hostile and unwelcoming. However it has been successfully completed! What else can I do for you ma'am?"

Kynthia pondered. Then another spark of imitation brilliance sparked. "There's this guy. Chinese. Ponytail. Looks like he has a stick wedged up his ass all the time. He's collecting something for me. Find him and help him. Make sure he doesn't buy anything."

Hilde saluted. "Yes ma'am!" She walked away, mildy puzzled by these new orders but was such a brown noser that it never crossed her mind not to follow them.

Kynthia entered her room snickering. After today's TV broadcast of her yelling at Lady Une on the parade grounds about her stupid split personality disorder, something that was easily overcome (she should know after all), Kynthia was one of the most feared people on the planet. And she was enjoying it immensely.

To be continued…