This is NOT part of the story. This piece took me a long time to write -
it's complicated business getting inside their heads. (I'm still knew at
this!) One particularly frustrating day, brooding over my laptop, I just
couldn't get my head wrapped around Harm. What the heck are his
motivations?!!! So, to get some idea of where he is coming from, I wrote a
sort of stream of consciousness, weaved among the bits of conversations he
had with Mac. It was an interesting exercise. And succeeded in pulling me
out of my funk. I thought you might like a little glimpse into my process!
Enjoy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've been through hell...the stress of the engagement party and knowing that Mac doesn't want me. She wants Brumby and I REALLY don't like him!!! I can't believe that she's really gonna marry him! I can't believe that I could love her so much and hurt this much. FUCK! Why was I such a coward in Sydney?! Why couldn't I tell her what I was thinking. That I just couldn't cross that line with her there, once and never again, I wouldn't ever be able to put my head back in the right place. But, Lord, I would have done it if I had known it would turn out like this. God, the feel of her lips, the kiss, the look on her face of disbelief and almost-horror - I can't believe I let myself do that. I can't believe she actually said 'goodbye.' Oh, I'm gonna be sick. After everything that we'd been through together, after rehashing our entire relationship, she said goodbye. I'm glad that inhaling and exhaling are involuntary or I would have stopped breathing that night.
I'm still shaky from the ejection. Frantic. I was frantic. I needed to be at the wedding. If I didn't see it for myself, I never would believe it. Then I would never be able to get Mac out of my head, or my heart. God, I don't *want* her out of either. I told her I'd be there.and I couldn't break that promise. Just like all of my promises. I've promised her things, unspoken promises, to love her and protect her and always be there for her. And then there's the promise to have a baby with her.... And I promised her I'd be at the wedding. So I tried. And she helped find me. God, we've done that so many times for each other - helped rescue each other, from so many different things. I didn't give a damn about the weather - I just needed to get back to Mac. Did I want to be there to see the wedding, to stop the wedding, or just to be there for Mac? Could I really have stood there and supported her. She said that she was happy with Brumby. Ugh.
Mac: Hi. Welcome back.
Harm: Wow. You look miserable. Come on in.
Mac: Maybe not.
Harm: Mac, come on in.
Mac: He moved out.
Harm: He did. Why?
Mac: I don't think he believes I love him.
Harm: Do you?
Mac: Yes.
Harm: Well, tell him.
Mac: It's complicated.
Harm: Talk to me.
Mac: This is a mistake. I don't know why I'm here.
Mac: He's leaving the country.
Harm: Why?
Mac: I've got to stop him.
Harm: Is it because you came here?
Mac: He just can't get past this thing with us.
Harm: Maybe that's because we can't get past it.
She went after him. Why wouldn't she stay here and talk to me?! Why can't I get over it - she loves him. She doesn't love me. She doesn't love me? She does love me, but as a friend. That's what we have, friendship. Like always. We're there for each other through everything - everything. But, if she marries Brumby, I don't think it'll be the same. She'll share everything with him; he'll be there to comfort her and bail her out. It won't be me. And who will have my back? I don't really *need* anyone, but, she's always been there to save me from myself when I'm being irrational - about Diane's death, in Russia, when I was on trial. God, I *can't* lose her; I can't *lose* that. Why can't she be my best friend?! Just stay friends. Why do things have to change? It's safe here - we know each other *so* well, and we trust each other implicitly. I thought we had an understanding. That we, you know, stay single forever, until something changes and we decide that we want to be lovers?! What the *hell* am I thinking? Shit doesn't work like that. What could possibly change that would make this any easier? Easy? Is this easy - negative. We have our careers to think of. And...and...and *what*?! We need to talk. We need to talk this out. I need to know what she's thinking. I need to know if she still feels the way she did in Sydney...But, I want more than what she offered in Sydney - if anything at all. It's friends or spouses. I can't do the middle ground with her. Spouses?! She just ran after Brumby. I really am gonna be sick. I want her to be happy, I do. But, she asked it - even if it's with Brumby? I would hate it, but I would support her. I would forget who she was married to because it doesn't matter, as long as she's happy. But, I want her to be happy with *me*.
Why the hell is Brumby leaving?! Who could possibly leave her?! He spent so much energy winning her over - and the waiting, God all the waiting he did. And she's gonna marry him. Why the hell would he run away now?! Is it because she came here? Well, we've always been that for each other. If he were not there for her, she would come to me. That's the way we work. What's the issue?! Why would he walk out on her?! Doesn't he know the history there...walking away, even temporarily, is paralyzing for Mac. God, I'd deck him again if he were here. How could he treat her so carelessly? Bastard!!!
Harm: Hello?
Mac: [crying] He's gone. He wouldn't even speak to me.
Harm: Hey. Hey. Don't blame yourself for this. Brumby has always acted impulsively. It was just a matter of time.
Mac: What are you saying?
Harm: This isn't going to make it hurt any less, but it's better now than six months into the marriage.
Mac: Okay, I'm hanging up now. (doesn't want to admit he's right; just something to say.)
Harm: Mac...where are you going?
Mac: I don't know.
Harm: Come to me.
Mac: Why?
Harm: So we can talk.
Mac: We already talked.
Harm: Don't argue with me.
Mac: I need a better reason.
Harm: You know the reason .. Mac?
Mac: I'm here.
Harm: I'm waiting.
Oh, NO!!! God, Renee! That was damn gutsy of me, telling Mac to come here to talk. I can't believe that this had to happen now?! I'm ready to break up with Renee and here she is needing me. Why is my timing with Mac always so awful?! I can't believe that she's gonna chalk up the guts to come here and I'm gonna turn her away. Uh, I can't even think straight. Damn it all to hell, Rabb! What the hell are you doing with Renee to begin with. Well, Mac had Brumby. You needed someone. Something. God, the doubledate. What's wrong with us?!
Alright, Renee will be here any second. Calm yourself down, Rabb. Time to be comforting and understanding. Losing a parent is hard - very hard. I feel for Renee. I just have to keep my mind with her and not on Mac. Ugh, sometimes doing right really sucks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've been through hell...the stress of the engagement party and knowing that Mac doesn't want me. She wants Brumby and I REALLY don't like him!!! I can't believe that she's really gonna marry him! I can't believe that I could love her so much and hurt this much. FUCK! Why was I such a coward in Sydney?! Why couldn't I tell her what I was thinking. That I just couldn't cross that line with her there, once and never again, I wouldn't ever be able to put my head back in the right place. But, Lord, I would have done it if I had known it would turn out like this. God, the feel of her lips, the kiss, the look on her face of disbelief and almost-horror - I can't believe I let myself do that. I can't believe she actually said 'goodbye.' Oh, I'm gonna be sick. After everything that we'd been through together, after rehashing our entire relationship, she said goodbye. I'm glad that inhaling and exhaling are involuntary or I would have stopped breathing that night.
I'm still shaky from the ejection. Frantic. I was frantic. I needed to be at the wedding. If I didn't see it for myself, I never would believe it. Then I would never be able to get Mac out of my head, or my heart. God, I don't *want* her out of either. I told her I'd be there.and I couldn't break that promise. Just like all of my promises. I've promised her things, unspoken promises, to love her and protect her and always be there for her. And then there's the promise to have a baby with her.... And I promised her I'd be at the wedding. So I tried. And she helped find me. God, we've done that so many times for each other - helped rescue each other, from so many different things. I didn't give a damn about the weather - I just needed to get back to Mac. Did I want to be there to see the wedding, to stop the wedding, or just to be there for Mac? Could I really have stood there and supported her. She said that she was happy with Brumby. Ugh.
Mac: Hi. Welcome back.
Harm: Wow. You look miserable. Come on in.
Mac: Maybe not.
Harm: Mac, come on in.
Mac: He moved out.
Harm: He did. Why?
Mac: I don't think he believes I love him.
Harm: Do you?
Mac: Yes.
Harm: Well, tell him.
Mac: It's complicated.
Harm: Talk to me.
Mac: This is a mistake. I don't know why I'm here.
Mac: He's leaving the country.
Harm: Why?
Mac: I've got to stop him.
Harm: Is it because you came here?
Mac: He just can't get past this thing with us.
Harm: Maybe that's because we can't get past it.
She went after him. Why wouldn't she stay here and talk to me?! Why can't I get over it - she loves him. She doesn't love me. She doesn't love me? She does love me, but as a friend. That's what we have, friendship. Like always. We're there for each other through everything - everything. But, if she marries Brumby, I don't think it'll be the same. She'll share everything with him; he'll be there to comfort her and bail her out. It won't be me. And who will have my back? I don't really *need* anyone, but, she's always been there to save me from myself when I'm being irrational - about Diane's death, in Russia, when I was on trial. God, I *can't* lose her; I can't *lose* that. Why can't she be my best friend?! Just stay friends. Why do things have to change? It's safe here - we know each other *so* well, and we trust each other implicitly. I thought we had an understanding. That we, you know, stay single forever, until something changes and we decide that we want to be lovers?! What the *hell* am I thinking? Shit doesn't work like that. What could possibly change that would make this any easier? Easy? Is this easy - negative. We have our careers to think of. And...and...and *what*?! We need to talk. We need to talk this out. I need to know what she's thinking. I need to know if she still feels the way she did in Sydney...But, I want more than what she offered in Sydney - if anything at all. It's friends or spouses. I can't do the middle ground with her. Spouses?! She just ran after Brumby. I really am gonna be sick. I want her to be happy, I do. But, she asked it - even if it's with Brumby? I would hate it, but I would support her. I would forget who she was married to because it doesn't matter, as long as she's happy. But, I want her to be happy with *me*.
Why the hell is Brumby leaving?! Who could possibly leave her?! He spent so much energy winning her over - and the waiting, God all the waiting he did. And she's gonna marry him. Why the hell would he run away now?! Is it because she came here? Well, we've always been that for each other. If he were not there for her, she would come to me. That's the way we work. What's the issue?! Why would he walk out on her?! Doesn't he know the history there...walking away, even temporarily, is paralyzing for Mac. God, I'd deck him again if he were here. How could he treat her so carelessly? Bastard!!!
Harm: Hello?
Mac: [crying] He's gone. He wouldn't even speak to me.
Harm: Hey. Hey. Don't blame yourself for this. Brumby has always acted impulsively. It was just a matter of time.
Mac: What are you saying?
Harm: This isn't going to make it hurt any less, but it's better now than six months into the marriage.
Mac: Okay, I'm hanging up now. (doesn't want to admit he's right; just something to say.)
Harm: Mac...where are you going?
Mac: I don't know.
Harm: Come to me.
Mac: Why?
Harm: So we can talk.
Mac: We already talked.
Harm: Don't argue with me.
Mac: I need a better reason.
Harm: You know the reason .. Mac?
Mac: I'm here.
Harm: I'm waiting.
Oh, NO!!! God, Renee! That was damn gutsy of me, telling Mac to come here to talk. I can't believe that this had to happen now?! I'm ready to break up with Renee and here she is needing me. Why is my timing with Mac always so awful?! I can't believe that she's gonna chalk up the guts to come here and I'm gonna turn her away. Uh, I can't even think straight. Damn it all to hell, Rabb! What the hell are you doing with Renee to begin with. Well, Mac had Brumby. You needed someone. Something. God, the doubledate. What's wrong with us?!
Alright, Renee will be here any second. Calm yourself down, Rabb. Time to be comforting and understanding. Losing a parent is hard - very hard. I feel for Renee. I just have to keep my mind with her and not on Mac. Ugh, sometimes doing right really sucks.