AN: Thank you to Dragon Defender and Eva Maddison for reviewing the first
chapter, I really appreciate it (
I had been sent to the cloisters against my will, and when I got there, I sulked. I wouldn't even touch my food, and I began to waste away. My once vibrant face became pale, and my slim body became frail and weak. David said that when he first saw me I looked like the most utterly defeated person he had ever met. He was right. When I had been sent off, when I said good-bye to Rekkan and the boys, I realized that there was no way I could win. I would never fly, I would never fight with them, I would never have the power to control my future. I was a girl, so I should just surrender and cut the futile fight that was my life short. I could never win, so why try?
That was my mind set when I sat there one day at breakfast, surrounded by chattering and lively girls, yet all alone. That was when David, who was studying to be a sorcerer, had approached me. Well, actually he had thrown food at me. Some horribly goopy stuff, I can't remember what exactly. The memory now makes me laugh. He said that he'd done it to see if I would react. He had been wondering if I was dead, catatonic or just a zombi. Well, he had expected me to jump up and scream like any of the girls around me would have under similar circumstances. Of course I didn't. As I said before, I was too far gone in my moping, and so I just sat there as this goopy stuff ran down my face. The girls around me collectively gasped, and stared at me. I blinked, but I didn't move. I just let it be there, let some of it fall off my face and into my food, let the more watery bits of it run into my hair. Well, when I didn't react, David was astonished. He said the sight of me made him feel extremely guilty, and he slowly crept up and apologized, offering me a handkerchief. My eyes glanced down at him, but I didn't move. He didn't know what to do. He asked me if I was okay, and I didn't answer. He turned to one of the girls beside me and asked if I was mute, to which she replied with a scornful shake of the head.
"Listen, I said I'm sorry, all right?" he pleaded.
I still didn't respond, but he offered me the handkerchief again. In the face of my continuing silence he begged, "Come on, if you don't take it, I'll get into trouble. You don't want that! Come on, please?"
He gave me this sort of puppy dog look, and it was very similar to the one I would give Debrah when I wanted something that she had forbidden me. I stared at him a moment, a feeling of familiarity coming over me, and then I reached out my hand and took the handkerchief. He grinned as I wiped my face off, pointing out where I'd missed a spot. From that moment onward, it seemed that I'd made some sort of unwitting pledge of friendship with him, because he followed me around from that day onward. He even braved the shocked stares of the other girls and sat next to me at mealtimes. The priestesses who taught us did not approve of this at all, and even went so far as to make a public announcement that 'undue fraternization between the genders was highly improper and would not be allowed'. David had merely smirked at this.
One day David found me sitting in an empty room, leaning listlessly against the wall. My eyes were half closed, and I was engulfed in my usual melancholy.
"Delia, what's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing," I replied in my usual, vague way. Most times this would send intrusive inquisitors packing, but David wouldn't have any of it. He sat down next to me and demanded to know what was bothering me all the time, and refused to move until he got a satisfactory answer. I'm afraid I got a bit angry with him. I was unused to someone being so persistence in wanting to know what bothered me.
"Just go away, David. You're being rude and nosy. It's none of your business," I snapped, turning my face to the wall.
"I know it's not my business, not really, but.Delia, I want to help you! Can't you see that? You constantly look sad and defeated and depressed, even when I'm doing my best to cheer you up! I can tell you a joke that sets all the rest of the room into fits of laughter, but you just sit there with this glazed over look in your eyes. Now I want to know what you're thinking of when you do that! I know it's none of my business, and I know I have no right to ask you, but I'm doing it anyway. I care about you and want to help you, so just deal with it and let me!"
I looked at him, completely incredulous.
"You want to know what I'm thinking when I look so sad," I said softly.
"Yes," answered David, adding "Please," as an afterthought.
I looked out the window, wondering whether or not I should trust him. I was such a little girl, and I was always so alone.I didn't really want to be alone. I never have.
"I'm wishing my life could have turned out differently. I'm wishing that I could have found some way to change things."
"Change things how?" David prompted.
"It's not fair, you know. It's not fair that I only have one option - all I can do is be pushed into this life of a court lady. My only possible future is to do my best to find a husband and live out my life a slave to him and whatever children I might have. I hate it! I hate being so.so powerless, so helpless! I hate it!"
My emotions got the better of me. They tore through me, poured out of me in the form of sobs and weeping. I shook with the power of it all, and as I did so I felt ashamed. I was weeping in front of David, showing myself to be even more powerless, even more weak, than I had already proclaimed myself to be. I was helpless before the force of my emotions, just like everyone always said women were.
Then David put his hand on my shoulder, patting it awkwardly. "I'm sorry," he said gravely. "It's not fair. It's not right in the slightest bit. I had no idea you hated the idea of being a lady so much. I should have guessed - I mean, I'd never want to become one."
"Of course not. You don't have to. You're going to be a great mage, you're going to control the very elements of the earth! You'll never be helpless before anything."
"You don't know that. I could fail. And mages.I don't think they really control the elements as much as the elements control them. I've been told a million stories about how mages who thought they could control their magic completely met gruesome ends. So, I think that mages sort of have to be helpless, but not in the usual way. I don't know how to say it. It's like, they know that they're not in control of the powers they wield, and that the powers themselves are greater than the mage who wields them, and they accept this, but that doesn't mean they stop trying to use the power. They submit to the greater power of the elements and magics, and use the slivers of power allowed to them. They derive power from accepting their helplessness, and end up doing amazing things. It's not the same as you. You're seeing that you're in a position where you can't have complete control, you can't fight against people who are more powerful than you are, and you're accepting it, but then.you're giving up. You want complete power, or you'll waste away. You're not giving yourself any room to maneuver, not using what slivers of power you can get. If you glean for little pieces of power, then you'll be like the great mages - powerless, but really powerful. I'm not making much sense, I know. Just.you're stuck in a bad situation. I don't blame you for being sulky. But, you don't want to be powerless, do you?"
"No, of course not!"
"So make me a promise. Promise me you'll.work within your bounds. You'll do what you can to be comfortable, to be as powerful as you can be within your confines. I know I'm not explaining it well, but do you understand what I mean? You don't have to be utterly powerless. No one can make you completely powerless. Only you can do that, or let them do that to you. Don't let them. Don't give up, just fight as best you can for power here, in this situation. Then you won't be so sad, I don't think."
I was silent for a long while after that.
"Delia?" asked David tentatively.
"How can I possibly have anything that even resembles power in my position?" I asked him.
"Well, um.remember that day I threw food at you in the dining hall?"
"Yes."
"Well, I'll tell you right now, when you sitting there all noble-like, with the food just sort of.dripping off.you sure had me scared. I guess you had power over me, then, didn't you? I mean, you didn't act the way I had expected you to. I would have given anything just then for you to forgive me, to accept my apology, anything. If you had just screamed and cried and thrown things, well, then I would have found it very funny, and I would have had all the power in the situation. But by acting the way you did, you had power, right? So, maybe girls can't get power the conventional way, by fighting with swords and stuff. Maybe the thing to do for you to get power is to fight in your own way, to fight like a girl."
"Then in order fight like a girl, I have to be still when I get food thrown at me?"
"No.not necessarily. You know, I'm not sure. I don't know what gives girls power. But we'll figure it out. And then you'll never be powerless again, right?"
I looked at him for a second, half-smiling. "You know," I said, "You're really very smart for your age."
"Thank you," he said, and that half-smile turned into a full-blown grin, and he was happy again, and so, remarkably, was I. I should have known that it was false happiness, but we are all ignorant as children. It is our right.
I had been sent to the cloisters against my will, and when I got there, I sulked. I wouldn't even touch my food, and I began to waste away. My once vibrant face became pale, and my slim body became frail and weak. David said that when he first saw me I looked like the most utterly defeated person he had ever met. He was right. When I had been sent off, when I said good-bye to Rekkan and the boys, I realized that there was no way I could win. I would never fly, I would never fight with them, I would never have the power to control my future. I was a girl, so I should just surrender and cut the futile fight that was my life short. I could never win, so why try?
That was my mind set when I sat there one day at breakfast, surrounded by chattering and lively girls, yet all alone. That was when David, who was studying to be a sorcerer, had approached me. Well, actually he had thrown food at me. Some horribly goopy stuff, I can't remember what exactly. The memory now makes me laugh. He said that he'd done it to see if I would react. He had been wondering if I was dead, catatonic or just a zombi. Well, he had expected me to jump up and scream like any of the girls around me would have under similar circumstances. Of course I didn't. As I said before, I was too far gone in my moping, and so I just sat there as this goopy stuff ran down my face. The girls around me collectively gasped, and stared at me. I blinked, but I didn't move. I just let it be there, let some of it fall off my face and into my food, let the more watery bits of it run into my hair. Well, when I didn't react, David was astonished. He said the sight of me made him feel extremely guilty, and he slowly crept up and apologized, offering me a handkerchief. My eyes glanced down at him, but I didn't move. He didn't know what to do. He asked me if I was okay, and I didn't answer. He turned to one of the girls beside me and asked if I was mute, to which she replied with a scornful shake of the head.
"Listen, I said I'm sorry, all right?" he pleaded.
I still didn't respond, but he offered me the handkerchief again. In the face of my continuing silence he begged, "Come on, if you don't take it, I'll get into trouble. You don't want that! Come on, please?"
He gave me this sort of puppy dog look, and it was very similar to the one I would give Debrah when I wanted something that she had forbidden me. I stared at him a moment, a feeling of familiarity coming over me, and then I reached out my hand and took the handkerchief. He grinned as I wiped my face off, pointing out where I'd missed a spot. From that moment onward, it seemed that I'd made some sort of unwitting pledge of friendship with him, because he followed me around from that day onward. He even braved the shocked stares of the other girls and sat next to me at mealtimes. The priestesses who taught us did not approve of this at all, and even went so far as to make a public announcement that 'undue fraternization between the genders was highly improper and would not be allowed'. David had merely smirked at this.
One day David found me sitting in an empty room, leaning listlessly against the wall. My eyes were half closed, and I was engulfed in my usual melancholy.
"Delia, what's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing," I replied in my usual, vague way. Most times this would send intrusive inquisitors packing, but David wouldn't have any of it. He sat down next to me and demanded to know what was bothering me all the time, and refused to move until he got a satisfactory answer. I'm afraid I got a bit angry with him. I was unused to someone being so persistence in wanting to know what bothered me.
"Just go away, David. You're being rude and nosy. It's none of your business," I snapped, turning my face to the wall.
"I know it's not my business, not really, but.Delia, I want to help you! Can't you see that? You constantly look sad and defeated and depressed, even when I'm doing my best to cheer you up! I can tell you a joke that sets all the rest of the room into fits of laughter, but you just sit there with this glazed over look in your eyes. Now I want to know what you're thinking of when you do that! I know it's none of my business, and I know I have no right to ask you, but I'm doing it anyway. I care about you and want to help you, so just deal with it and let me!"
I looked at him, completely incredulous.
"You want to know what I'm thinking when I look so sad," I said softly.
"Yes," answered David, adding "Please," as an afterthought.
I looked out the window, wondering whether or not I should trust him. I was such a little girl, and I was always so alone.I didn't really want to be alone. I never have.
"I'm wishing my life could have turned out differently. I'm wishing that I could have found some way to change things."
"Change things how?" David prompted.
"It's not fair, you know. It's not fair that I only have one option - all I can do is be pushed into this life of a court lady. My only possible future is to do my best to find a husband and live out my life a slave to him and whatever children I might have. I hate it! I hate being so.so powerless, so helpless! I hate it!"
My emotions got the better of me. They tore through me, poured out of me in the form of sobs and weeping. I shook with the power of it all, and as I did so I felt ashamed. I was weeping in front of David, showing myself to be even more powerless, even more weak, than I had already proclaimed myself to be. I was helpless before the force of my emotions, just like everyone always said women were.
Then David put his hand on my shoulder, patting it awkwardly. "I'm sorry," he said gravely. "It's not fair. It's not right in the slightest bit. I had no idea you hated the idea of being a lady so much. I should have guessed - I mean, I'd never want to become one."
"Of course not. You don't have to. You're going to be a great mage, you're going to control the very elements of the earth! You'll never be helpless before anything."
"You don't know that. I could fail. And mages.I don't think they really control the elements as much as the elements control them. I've been told a million stories about how mages who thought they could control their magic completely met gruesome ends. So, I think that mages sort of have to be helpless, but not in the usual way. I don't know how to say it. It's like, they know that they're not in control of the powers they wield, and that the powers themselves are greater than the mage who wields them, and they accept this, but that doesn't mean they stop trying to use the power. They submit to the greater power of the elements and magics, and use the slivers of power allowed to them. They derive power from accepting their helplessness, and end up doing amazing things. It's not the same as you. You're seeing that you're in a position where you can't have complete control, you can't fight against people who are more powerful than you are, and you're accepting it, but then.you're giving up. You want complete power, or you'll waste away. You're not giving yourself any room to maneuver, not using what slivers of power you can get. If you glean for little pieces of power, then you'll be like the great mages - powerless, but really powerful. I'm not making much sense, I know. Just.you're stuck in a bad situation. I don't blame you for being sulky. But, you don't want to be powerless, do you?"
"No, of course not!"
"So make me a promise. Promise me you'll.work within your bounds. You'll do what you can to be comfortable, to be as powerful as you can be within your confines. I know I'm not explaining it well, but do you understand what I mean? You don't have to be utterly powerless. No one can make you completely powerless. Only you can do that, or let them do that to you. Don't let them. Don't give up, just fight as best you can for power here, in this situation. Then you won't be so sad, I don't think."
I was silent for a long while after that.
"Delia?" asked David tentatively.
"How can I possibly have anything that even resembles power in my position?" I asked him.
"Well, um.remember that day I threw food at you in the dining hall?"
"Yes."
"Well, I'll tell you right now, when you sitting there all noble-like, with the food just sort of.dripping off.you sure had me scared. I guess you had power over me, then, didn't you? I mean, you didn't act the way I had expected you to. I would have given anything just then for you to forgive me, to accept my apology, anything. If you had just screamed and cried and thrown things, well, then I would have found it very funny, and I would have had all the power in the situation. But by acting the way you did, you had power, right? So, maybe girls can't get power the conventional way, by fighting with swords and stuff. Maybe the thing to do for you to get power is to fight in your own way, to fight like a girl."
"Then in order fight like a girl, I have to be still when I get food thrown at me?"
"No.not necessarily. You know, I'm not sure. I don't know what gives girls power. But we'll figure it out. And then you'll never be powerless again, right?"
I looked at him for a second, half-smiling. "You know," I said, "You're really very smart for your age."
"Thank you," he said, and that half-smile turned into a full-blown grin, and he was happy again, and so, remarkably, was I. I should have known that it was false happiness, but we are all ignorant as children. It is our right.