Okay so I'm back again. I had no choice really after the amount of e-mails I received that said, "finish it or die!" So firstly a big thank you to everyone who sent me feedback for the season nine finale. Big thanks to Jodie for checking this over for me once again.

I hope to have this season finished quicker then I did the last but to be fair I was trying to write it during what was without doubt the worst year of my life. It started off so well, my football team got promoted (huzzah!), I got to see Frasier filmed (huzzah!), I got to see Robin Williams perform live (huzzah!), then my housemate fell on his head, almost died (we were allowed in to say goodbye to him) and spent months in intensive care. Then he went mad (he wanted me to press the button on his leg to defrost the kitchen) before finally being left severely disabled with no sense of smell or taste, deaf in one ear, no sense of touch down his left hand side and tunnel vision. I feel so guilty because I wasn't there to stop him from having this accident. Then my Grandad gets throat cancer, has to have radiation therapy on it which leaves him unable to swallow liquid let alone food and as a result almost died on a number of occasions. Next my football team gets relegated and my rival team gets promoted. Finally to complete my year my Grandmother suddenly died over the Easter weekend and I was too much of a baby to go to the hospital to say goodbye to her. All in all a terrible year. Let's hope this one is better considering I get my degree at the end of it.

Enjoy...

Frasier
Alternative Season Ten Episode One
The Last Hours Before Mourning?
By
Kelly-Simba

ACT ONE

(A)

TITLE CARD: "THREE MONTHS EARLIER"

FADE IN:

INT. FOX AND WHISTLE PUB - EVENING - DAY/1 (Alan, Roz, Donny, Daphne)

EVERYONE IS AS WE LEFT THEM AT THE END OF 'WIVES AND LOVERS'. DAPHNE SITS RATHER UNCOMFORTABLY NEXT TO DONNY AT THE BAR ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE OF THE ROOM AS ROZ UNNOTICED BY THEM GETS HER COAT FROM THE PEG BY THE DOOR JUST BEHIND THEM AND ALAN STANDS BEHIND THE BAR. TO THE LEFT OF THE ROOM IS A BATHROOM AND A POOL TABLE. ROZ STARES AT DAPHNE AND DONNY IN SHOCK

ALAN I thought you'd left.

ROZ Forgot my coat. Well bye again.

ROZ GETS HER COAT AND EXITS

DONNY
What can I get you to drink? Do you still like those peach rum drinks?

DAPHNE
No, not anymore.

ALAN
Yes you do you've been...

DAPHNE
(SNAPPING AT ALAN) Shut up you're rambling. I'll have just an orange
juice please.

DONNY Can't I get you anything stronger?

DAPHNE
No thanks. I'm fine. I've got to find my way home to the Montana soon,
Niles is waiting for me. And I don't want him worrying and calling the
Police if I get drunk and fall asleep in a dumpster with a cat gnawing
on my foot. And I'm not making that up either it happened to Annie's
brother last week when he drank fourteen Rum Zombies. After that much
alcohol he truly was one.

DONNY
Okay. Fine. Well I don't want to keep you away from Niles for any
longer then is necessary.

ALAN PUTS A BEER AND AN ORANGE JUICE ON THE BAR

DONNY (CONT'D)
Thanks. Here you go.

DONNY HANDS DAPHNE HER DRINK AND STANDS CAUSING HER TO NERVOUSLY AND RATHER RELUCTANTLY TURN AROUND TO FACE HIM

DONNY (CONT'D)
Would you like to play a quick game of pool?

DAPHNE Erm...okay. Sure. Why not?

DAPHNE RATHER RELUCTANTLY RISES TO HER FEET BEFORE DRINKING HER ORANGE JUICE IN ONE AND PUTTING THE GLASS DOWN ON THE BAR. DONNY LOOKS AT HER CONCERNED

DONNY Are you feeling okay?

DAPHNE
(RAMBLING) I'm just very thirsty. And I think I may have a cold
coming. The vitamin C is good for me. Especially in one quick dose.

DONNY
Okay I guess that makes sense. Well you set up the table and I'll be
right back.

DONNY PUTS HIS BEER DOWN ON THE POOL TABLE BEFORE EXITING INTO THE BATHROOM

ALAN
Wow I thought this was going to be a really awkward situation but
you're to be applauded for the way that you're handling it Daphne. I
was expecting you to have climbed out of the window by now.

DAPHNE RUSHES OVER TO THE BAR

DAPHNE
Thanks. Okay here's what we've got to do I need you to create some
sort of diversion possibly a tiny explosion or a contained fire so
that I can get the hell out of here.

ALAN Or not. I see I spoke too soon before you went quickly insane.

DAPHNE
Just start a fire or stab yourself and get him to take you to the
hospital or something.

ALAN
Daphne please don't take this the wrong way, but are you on any sort
of prescribed medication? If not then maybe you should look into it
before you start a four-alarm fire to get out of a dentists
appointment.

DAPHNE
I'm not asking for much. You won't loose too much blood or an organ.
The doctors are very good these days. They'll have you sown up and on
your feet in a matter of weeks. Here stick this lemon zester in your
leg.

DAPHNE THRUSTS A LEMON ZESTER INTO ALAN'S HAND

ALAN
As appealing as stabbing myself with a sharp object covered in
stinging citrus fruit juice is I'm going to have to say no on this
one.

DAPHNE
Then hide me.

ALAN Or you could do something radical and be an adult about this.

DAPHNE Or I can say I'm ill. I have that Ebola virus. Brilliant!

ALAN Or you could be an adult.

DAPHNE Why do I even talk to you? What world do you live in?

DONNY ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM

ALAN He's coming back.

DAPHNE
Okay here's what I want you to do, I have a plan, wait for him to come
back to the pool table and then call me to the phone.

ALAN Fine.

DAPHNE TURNS BACK TOWARDS DONNY AND PLASTERS A FAKE SMILE ON HER FACE

DONNY You haven't racked up.

DAPHNE Sorry, I didn't have a quarter and Alan wouldn't give me one.

ALAN
What can I say? I am the devil when I feel like it. I have a mean
streak a mile wide.

DONNY
It's okay I've got one. (TO ALAN) And you might want to lighten up a
little.

ALAN PICKS UP THE PHONE RECEIVER

ALAN Daphne, phone.

DONNY I didn't hear it ring.

ALAN It's very quiet. Only dogs and I can hear it.

DAPHNE Who is it?

ALAN I don't know who would you like it to be?

DAPHNE WALKS OVER TO THE BAR AND TAKES THE PHONE OFF ALAN

DAPHNE
(WHISPERS) You're not being very helpful you know. I wasn't asking you
to cut open a major artery, just loose a little blood. Sometimes you
can be so selfish. Just for that you're no longer invited to the
wedding. (ON PHONE EXTREMELY LOUDLY AND MELODRAMATICALLY) Hello?
Niles? What's wrong? Oh my God! How much skin is left? I'll come right
home. Bye.

DAPHNE HANGS UP THE PHONE AND MAKES HER WAY TOWARDS THE DOOR QUICKLY

DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Sorry Donny. Emergency at home. It was lovely to see you again. Bye.

DAPHNE EXITS AS DONNY AND ALAN JUST STARE AFTER HER AND WE:
FADE OUT

(B)

FADE IN:

INT. HOTEL BAR - EVENING - DAY/2 (Martin, Frasier, Roz, Allison, Zora, Freddie, Daphne, Niles, Simon, Reginald, Minister, Party Guests)

ONCE AGAIN EVERYONE IS WHERE WE LEFT THEM AT THE END OF 'SOME UNENCHANTED EVENING'. FRASIER, ROZ, AND MARTIN ALL STAND BY THE BAR LOOKING A LITTLE STUNNED.

MARTIN Well what do we do now?

ROZ
What apart from call Jerry Springer to sort this all out?

FRASIER We have to talk to Daphne.

ROZ Shouldn't someone go after Niles?

FRASIER
We'd best let him cool off first. At the speed he was going we'd need
a heavy net and a tranquilliser gun to catch him. Let him come to his
senses, he's not exactly sober right now what with everything that's
happened up until now. Let's talk to Daphne and find out exactly
what's happened first. Once we've got her side of the story we can
decide what to do from there.

FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ ALL APPROACH THE DOOR LEADING INTO THE DINNING ROOM

MARTIN This shouldn't be too hard.

FRASIER, MARTIN, AND ROZ EXIT INTO THE DINNING ROOM
RESET TO: INT. HOTEL DINNING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER, MARTIN, AND ROZ ENTER INTO THE DINNING ROOM TO FIND THE ROOM BUZZING WITH PEOPLE ENJOYING THEMSELVES. DAPHNE IS IN THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM SURROUNDED BY SEVERAL FAMILY MEMBERS. THERE IS A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE DANCING IN AUTHENTIC GREEK STYLE, INCLUDING ZORA IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM BLOCKING THE ROUTE THROUGH TO DAPHNE. ALLISON STANDS BY THE DOOR WATCHING THE ROOM.

ROZ
Yeah if a hundred family members weren't surrounding her like a pack
of wolves circling their dinner. If you try to pull her out of there
you risk loosing an arm and spending the rest of your life attached to
a colostomy bag.

FRASIER
And thank you for that imagery. It'd be easier to pull the Queen aside
during her coronation then it will be to get Daphne away from her
family. We need to get her attention.

FRASIER STANDS ON A CHAIR AND STARTS TO WAVE HIS ARMS ABOUT TO GET DAPHNE'S ATTENTION

ROZ What is that supposed to be? Are you having an epileptic fit?

MARTIN You look like you're trying to back a plane in.

FRASIER GETS DOWN FROM THE CHAIR

FRASIER
I was trying to get her attention. Why else would I go like this?

FRASIER GESTURES AGAIN

ROZ
I have no idea monkey boy. You looked like you were trying to get King
Kong's attention.

FRASIER
Fine then I'll have to pull her from the irrationally violent and
alcohol lubricated mob. If I don't live through this then tell Freddie
that I love him.

AS FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ MAKE THEIR WAY TOWARDS DAPHNE, ALLISON STOPS THEM LOOKING CONCERNED

ALLISON
Frasier are you okay? You were waving your arms like you were being
attacked by a swarm of bees.

FRASIER Not really Allison. We're having a bit of an emergency.

ALLISON (SHOUTS) Emergency?!

FRASIER Shhhhhhhhh.

ALLISON (WHISPERS) What's happened?

DAPHNE MOVES TO THE DANCE FLOOR AND STARTS TO DANCE WITH FREDDIE

FRASIER
I'll tell you all about it later, but first I really must try to sort
it all out before the situation gets any worse.

FRASIER, ROZ AND MARTIN MOVE AWAY FROM ALLISON

MARTIN Where is she now?

ROZ We have an opening she's dancing with Freddie.

FRASIER
Oh no! This is bad. He saw Donny. We'd better get over there before he
says anything to her.

FRASIER TRIES TO CROSS THE DANCE FLOOR TO DAPHNE BUT BUMPS INTO ZORA WHO IS STILL DANCING IN A CIRCLE WITH A LARGE GROUP

ZORA Watch where you're going! You tread on my foot!

FRASIER I'm sorry Aunt Zora but I really need to get past.

ZORA And break the circle! Never! We're dancing.

FRASIER Never mind I'll go around.

ZORA No come and dance with me Frasier.

FRASIER I really don't have time.

ZORA
You don't have time to dance with your Aunt? As a way to bury all the
bad blood between us? As a way to make up for everything that you've
done to me and my family? For destroying my sons life?

FRASIER
As much as I would like to attend more family functions in the near
future without fearing massive blood loss and hearing damage I really
can't right now. But here. This one's on me.

FRASIER PICKS UP A PLATE OFF A NEARBY TABLE AND SMASHES IN ON THE FLOOR BEFORE WALKING AROUND THE DANCE FLOOR WITH MARTIN AND ROZ. MARTIN LOOKS BACK AT THE PLATE CONCERNED

MARTIN Do you really think that was such a smart idea?

FRASIER What harm can it do?

ZORA PICKS UP A PLATE AND SMASHES IT ON THE FLOOR

FRASIER (CONT'D) Ah. (THEN) I seem to have started a trend.

SEVERAL OTHER RELATIVES START TO SMASH PLATES ON THE FLOOR

FRASIER (CONT'D)
That appears to be spreading like a bush fire. Oh well I'll write
Niles a cheque out later after I've attempted to save his impending
marriage.

ROZ
Just an average day in the life of a superhero. How long will it be
before you start to wear your underwear on the outside of your pants?

WE FOCUS IN ON DAPHNE AND FREDDIE DANCING AS FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ TRY TO REACH THEM

FREDDIE Daphne is Uncle Niles upset with me?

DAPHNE Of course not Freddie. Why would you think that?

FREDDIE He yelled at me earlier.

DAPHNE What for?

FRASIER FINALLY REACHES DAPHNE

FRASIER Daphne can I speak to you for a moment please?

DAPHNE Sure what about?

FRASIER Actually it's personal. Can you come outside to the bar?

DAPHNE
Okay. (TO FREDDIE) I'll be right back kind gentleman. Save the next
dance for me.

DAPHNE GOES TO FOLLOW FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ INTO THE BAR

FREDDIE (CHEEKILY) Okay Auntie Daphne.

DAPHNE I told you not to call me that you little monster.

FRASIER, MARTIN, DAPHNE, AND ROZ EXIT INTO THE BAR
RESET TO: INT. HOTEL BAR - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER, MARTIN, DAPHNE, AND ROZ ENTER FROM THE DINNING ROOM. DAPHNE WAITS FOR AN EXPLANATION AS EVERYONE ELSE STANDS IN SILENCE IN FRONT OF HER

DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Okay what's going on? (PAUSE) Other then you've taken a vow of silence
and developed a knack for looking completely gormless.

A BEAT

DAPHNE (CONT'D)
You know only one of the Marx brothers was mute. (PAUSE) Okay next
question. Do any of you know where Niles has gone? No sooner had we
found the glass eye and then I lost my fiancé.

FRASIER Erm...yes we know where he is.

DAPHNE
Ah so you haven't all become Monk's. (PAUSE) So? And? Is it a secret?
Or are you allowed to tell me where he is?

MARTIN Well, you see...Daphne...

ROZ I'll tell her. It's like this...you know...

DAPHNE
Will one of you please just spit it out? I do marry him in the morning
you know. It would be nice to know if he's bound and gagged in a
cupboard or just in the toilet.

FRASIER I think you should sit down.

FRASIER TRIES TO GET HER TO SIT DOWN ON A BAR STOOL

DAPHNE What's going on?

MARTIN Maybe we should get you a stiff drink. What would you like?

ROZ
She can't have alcohol remember. Although I could sure as hell do with
one. I'll get her some water.

DAPHNE
Will you all stop trying to ply me with alcohol and please tell me
what's going on?

FRASIER Daphne sit down.

DAPHNE
I don't want to sit down I want to know what's going on with Niles.
Dr. Crane will you please tell me what the hell is happening? You're
scaring me.

FRASIER It's about Niles.

DAPHNE What's happened? Is he hurt?

FRASIER In a manner of speaking yes. (PAUSE) Donny was just here.

DAPHNE What? Why?

FRASIER He told Niles what had happened between you and him.

DAPHNE (DEVASTATED) Oh my God!

DAPHNE PUTS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS AND FALLS BACK AGAINST THE BAR STOOL BEFORE SITTING DOWN. MARTIN TRIES TO BE COMFORTING AND RUBS HER SHOULDER.

MARTIN It's all right Daph. Don't panic, we know it's not true.

DAPHNE
But it is true Mr. Crane. I knew this would happen sooner or later. I
wasn't going to be able to keep it a secret forever no matter how hard
I tried.

FRASIER Then you admit it?

DAPHNE
Yes it's true.

FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ ALL SHARE SHOCKED AND HORRIFIED LOOKS

DAPHNE (CONT'D)
What are those horrified looks for? It wasn't my finest hour I'll
admit but it's not that bad. I've done worse things. Telling my mother
where I was moving to is one of them.

MARTIN Oh Daphne honey. Why?

DAPHNE
He just showed up out of the blue, I felt obligated to have at least a
quick one with him after everything that I've put him through.

FRASIER
(SHOUTS) You didn't have to do that! You didn't owe him that much!

DAPHNE
What are you getting so wound up for? It's not that big a deal. It was
a quick in and out job that's all. I took one big gulp and that was
it, Bob's your uncle.

ROZ Oh Daphne.

DAPHNE
Oh Daphne what? I had no choice he surprised me. I'd had a bit to
drink and I couldn't think straight and it all happened so quickly. It
was so quick we didn't even have time for a stiff one. (THEN) Niles
really knows everything?

FRASIER Yes I'm afraid he does.

DAPHNE
I know it must be a shock for him but it's nothing to get this worked
up about. It's not as if I've been secretly mugging old ladies. I mean
I didn't want to do it.

NILES ENTERS FROM THE DOOR LEADING TO THE REST OF THE HOTEL UNNOTICED BY EVERYONE ELSE AND LISTENS TO THE CONVERSATION

MARTIN He forced you to do it?

DAPHNE
Well kind of. I didn't have that much choice really. No sooner had I
finished my drink than he grabbed the balls and pushed it in my hand.

NILES Well then I guess that clears up any nagging doubts I had.

NILES TURNS TO LEAVE

FRASIER Niles!

DAPHNE Niles wait!

NILES Save it! I don't want to hear.

NILES EXITS HURRIEDLY AS DAPHNE ATTEMPTS TO FOLLOW HIM

DAPHNE Niles!

FRASIER Daphne it's best to leave him to cool off for a while.

DAPHNE I don't understand why he's getting so upset about this.

FRASIER
You can't be surprised Daphne for God's sake! You're getting married
tomorrow and now he finds out you slept with Donny!

DAPHNE I...what? No! No I didn't.

FRASIER (SHOUTS) What? You just admitted it to us!

DAPHNE
No I admitted that I ran into him in the pub, had a quick drink and
then left as quick as I could knocking old ladies with walkers and
children with jump ropes out of my way as I ran despite his desperate
pleas for me to stay and play a game of pool with him.

MARTIN Oh no!

DAPHNE Donny told Niles that I slept with him?!

FRASIER Worse, he told him that the baby was his.

DAPHNE
Oh my God! That vindictive bastard! I don't believe this. How did he
even know I was pregnant in the first place? Has he been stalking my
gynaecologist as well now?

FRASIER
That may have been down to me. (DEFENSIVELY) I'm sorry! I'm excited.
How was I to know he still listened to my show?

DAPHNE (SHOUTS) Oh why does anyone listen to your show you imbecile?

FRASIER I think imbecile's a bit strong.

DAPHNE SITS BACK DOWN ON THE STALL WITH HER HEAD IN HER HANDS

DAPHNE
Oh my God and Niles heard everything that I just said. How on earth is
he supposed to interpret that?

ROZ (COMFORTING) It's all right Daphne just calm down.

DAPHNE
How is everything all right? I've just made things worse and I didn't
even know that was possible. He thinks I've had an affair. Why would
he even believe Donny anyway?

ROZ (GUILTILY) Well I may have contributed a tiny bit to that.

DAPHNE How?

ROZ I saw you talking to Donny.

DAPHNE
Yes talking to him, not exchanging fluids with him! Dr. Crane he'll
listen to you, you've got to tell me you believe me.

FRASIER STANDS IN FRONT OF DAPHNE AND PUTS HIS HANDS ON HER SHOULDERS

FRASIER You didn't sleep with Donny?

DAPHNE No!

FRASIER
Then that's good enough for me. You wait here. Let me go and find him,
and my bottle of sedatives.

FRASIER EXITS FOLLOWING NILES

DAPHNE
I don't believe this is happening. What's next? Is Mel going to turn
up and calm that they're still legally married.

MARTIN
That isn't going to happen. (THEN) You saw the divorce papers right?
Don't worry Daph everything will be fine.

DAPHNE
How is everything going to be fine? This weekend has been a disaster.
Short of the roof falling on all my brothers I don't see how things
can get any worse.

SIMON AND REGINALD ENTER FROM THE DINNING ROOM CARRYING THE UNCONSCIOUS HOTEL MINISTER

SIMON
Don't worry about it. He just needs a little lie down and then he'll
be as right as rain.

SIMON, REGINALD, AND THE MINSTER EXIT THROUGH THE SAME DOOR FRASIER WENT OUT OF, ACCIDENTALLY BANGING HIS HEAD ON THE DOOR FRAME AS THEY GO

DAPHNE
Please tell me that wasn't the hotel minister's head they've just
dented the doorframe with.

ROZ I would but I'd be lying.

AS DAPHNE PUTS HER HEAD ON ROZ'S SHOULDER AND MARTIN TAKES HER HAND WE:
FADE OUT

(C)

TITLE CARD: "DECISION BEFORE DAWN"

FADE IN:

EXT. HOTEL GROUNDS AND LAKE - EVENING - DAY/2 (Frasier, Niles, Simon, Reginald, Minister, Donny)

NILES SITS ON HIS OWN ON THE GRASS BY THE EDGE OF THE LAKE STARING UP AT THE SKY. THERE ARE SEVERAL PARTY GUESTS MILLING AROUND IN THE DISTANCE SINGING QUITE LOUDLY AND DRUNKENLY BUT NILES HARDLY NOTICES THEY ARE THERE. FRASIER APPROACHES NILES SLOWLY FROM BEHIND.

FRASIER Niles.

NILES Frasier.

A BEAT

FRASIER MOVES CLOSER TO NILES UNTIL HE STANDS NEXT TO HIM

FRASIER
What are you doing out here? Apart from listening to Daphne's
relatives delightful singing about...did they just sing about plucking
a chicken?

NILES
Probably. You've missed the song about the brothel owner.

FRASIER
Damn all the luck.

NILES
I'm just thinking. How many stars are up there do you think?

FRASIER Thousands. Millions. Infinite numbers.

NILES
Do you think if I stayed out here long enough I'd be able to count
them all.

FRASIER It's doubtful. To start with you'd loose count.

NILES And not to mention it's cloudy.

FRASIER Yes well that too. (THEN) Are you all right?

NILES
It's amazing how quickly your whole life can come tumbling down around
your ears and there's nothing you can do about it, isn't it?

FRASIER SITS DOWN NEXT TO NILES

FRASIER About that Niles, I just spoke with Daphne and...

NILES
Actually if you don't mind I really don't want to talk about that
right now Frasier. I'd rather just sit here and talk about the stars.

FRASIER Okay. I can respect that.

NILES Thank you.

A BEAT

FRASIER It really is beautiful here. Well except for that dead bush.

NILES
It was alive when I came out here. It seems that Billy and Michael
have mistakenly confused it with the restroom. They thought I was the
bathroom attendant. Still at least I made five dollars out of it.

FRASIER I hesitate to ask why the grass is wet.

NILES
Just be thankful you weren't the rather shocked and wet family of
racoons that came running from the bush probably traumatised for life.

FRASIER
Well there's always that to hold on to I guess. Even so it's still
very pretty here.

NILES
Yes it is. The perfect place to get married one might say. Maybe you
and Allison should take advantage of it.

FRASIER Oh I don't think that we're ready for that yet Niles.

NILES That surprises me. You seem so close.

FRASIER
I think her group of puppets might object if I don't ask their
permission to propose first but you know Niles I really don't feel
that now is the right time to discuss that. I know you don't want to
but I need to talk about you and Daphne. Time is of the essence as
they say.

NILES
You know Frasier when I first saw her I thought she was the most
beautiful creature I had ever laid eyes on in my entire life and knew
right there and then that I would marry her one-day. This morning when
I woke up and she was lying asleep next to me I still thought she was
the most beautiful creature that I'd ever laid eyes on.

FRASIER
And Daphne's not even a morning person. She's been known to frighten
whole villages away. How do you feel now?

NILES
If feelings don't change over the course of nine years, they're not
going to change in a single day or over the course of a few hours.

FRASIER
(REFLECTING ON EARLIER WITH ROZ) Well you'd think that'd be the case.

SUDDENLY THE HEAVENS OPEN AND THE RAIN STARTS TO COME DOWN REALLY HEAVILY

FRASIER (CONT'D) Oh great! This is all we need.

FRASIER STANDS TO GO BACK INSIDE

NILES This may make it harder to count the stars.

FRASIER
If you stare at the sky for too long you'll drown. Come on Niles,
let's go in before you catch your death.

NILES GETS TO HIS FEET AND STARTS TO FOLLOW FRASIER. AFTER A BRIEF MOMENT NILES STOPS WALKING

A BEAT

NILES Frasier wait.

FRASIER STOPS AND TURNS TO FACE NILES

FRASIER What's the matter?

NILES I'm getting married in the morning.

FRASIER What?

NILES I said I'm getting married in the morning.

FRASIER But what about what Donny told you?

NILES
Even if it's true which I doubt, I don't care. I can't live without
her.

FRASIER
It's not true Niles. She had a drink and a game of pool with him
that's all.

NILES
Ah. I see. Now having a quick one and a stiff one suddenly makes a lot
more sense.

FRASIER I'm so relieved to hear you say that.

NILES I love her.

FRASIER I know you do.

NILES I'm going to marry her tomorrow if she'll forgive me.

FRASIER Don't you mean today?

NILES What time is it?

NILES LOOKS AT HIS WATCH

NILES (CONT'D) Yes. I am. I'm getting married today.

FRASIER
Then let's get you in out of the rain so you don't sneeze all over the
minister.

FRASIER PUTS HIS ARM AROUND NILES AND GOES TO LEAD HIM INSIDE BUT STOP AS THEY SEE SIMON AND REGINALD ENTER OUTSIDE STILL CARRYING THE MINISTER. THEY PUT HIM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LAWN AS NILES AND FRASIER JUST STARE AT THEM

SIMON
Just drop him. Let's see if he bounces. He'll soon sober up. Or get
eaten by a passing bear. Either way it's not our problem, it's
Blinkey's.

SIMON AND REGINALD DROP THE MINSTER ON THE FLOOR WITH A THUD, BEFORE SIMON KNEELS DOWN NEXT TO HIM

REGINALD
What are you doing? You can't mug him! We're already going to hell for
getting a man of the cloth drunk, why annoy God anymore?

SIMON
It's not like we forced him to drink it. I may have poured it in his
mouth but he's the one that swallowed it. I'm just getting his drink.
Waste not want not.

SIMON GETS THE GLASS OUT OF THE MINISTERS HAND AND STANDS. AS HE GOES TO GO BACK INSIDE HE TRIPS OVER THE MINISTER'S LEG SPILLING THE DRINK ALL OVER THE GRASS

REGINALD Well done.

SIMON There'll be some pissed worms about in the morning.

SIMON AND REGINALD EXIT BACK INSIDE AS FRASIER AND NILES JUST STARE AT THEM

NILES It's best not to ask. I find it prevents a lot of migraines.

FRASIER
I wasn't going to, they're not going to be my in-laws. Although you
may want to be concerned over the fact that it appears to be the
minister they've just dragged outside. Your sneezing on him seems to
be the least of his worries right now. Getting a liver transplant and
a new profession should be top of his list.

NILES PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS

NILES Oh my God!

FRASIER AND NILES CONTINUE TO WALK IN THE RAIN BEFORE ROUNDING THE CORNER TO GO INSIDE. AS THEY TURN THE CORNER THEY SEE DONNY STANDING BY HIS CAR TALKING ON HIS CELL PHONE. THEY BOTH HEAR EVERYTHING THAT HE SAYS

DONNY
(ON THE PHONE) I'm just about to start back now. Perfectly. The dumb
bastard bought every word I told him. I know! At least he now knows
what it's like to have your heart ripped out.

NILES STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS HIM

FRASIER Niles wait. Think before you act. Niles! Think before you act!

NILES STANDS BEHIND DONNY AND TAPS HIM ON THE SHOULDER

NILES Donny.

DONNY TURNS AROUND AND OUT OF NOWHERE NILES SUDDENLY CONJURES UP HIS STRENGTH AND PUNCHES HIM, SENDING HIS SPRAWLING ACROSS THE FLOOR

NILES (CONT'D)
Come within fifty feet of me or my wife and child again and I'll hit
you a lot harder then that. Do we understand each other?

DONNY
Perfectly.

DONNY QUICKLY GETS IN HIS CAR AND DRIVES AWAY AS NILES STARES AFTER HIM AND FRASIER LOOKS ON IN SHOCK. FRASIER SLOWLY APPROACHES NILES

FRASIER I think you broke his nose.

NILES That may have been what that crunching sound was.

FRASIER
I'm so proud of you Niles. But remind me never to argue with you again
about a line call during a game of squash. I'd hate to have my racket
surgically removed.

NILES Or maybe that crunching sound was my hand.

FRASIER What?

NILES SUDDENLY DOUBLES OVER IN PAIN

NILES
Has he gone? I can't see. Either the lights have gone out or I've gone
blind from the pain.

FRASIER What's wrong?

NILES SHOWS FRASIER HIS HAND BUT WON'T LOOK AT IT HIMSELF

NILES
I think I may have broken my hand. I can't look. Am I bleeding? Are
all my fingers still there?

FRASIER Does this hurt?

FRASIER BENDS ONE OF NILES' FINGERS BACK

NILES
Oh my God! If it wasn't broken before it is now! Couldn't you have
given me a wooden spoon to bite on?

FRASIER I have to check to see what's wrong.

FRASIER BENDS NILES' FINGER AGAIN

NILES
Stop doing that! They didn't bend that way before I hit him; so
they're not going to do it now! Why don't you just shoot me it'd be
more humane.

FRASIER I'm sorry.

NILES I think I need to go to the hospital.

FRASIER Hadn't you better talk to Daphne first?

NILES
You're right. That's if I don't pass out from the pain first. Help me
walk.

FRASIER
If you do I can just lay you out next to the minister.

FRASIER TAKES NILES BY THE ARM AND HELPS HIM INSIDE AS WE:
FADE OUT

(D)

FADE IN:

INT. HOTEL BALLROOM - NIGHT - DAY/2 (Roz, Daphne, Allison, Niles, Frasier)

ROZ AND DAPHNE SIT IN THE EMPTY BALLROOM ON THE EDGE OF THE STAGE

ROZ
Are you sure you don't want to tell your Mother about what's going on
Daphne? I'd want my Mom to know.

DAPHNE
You have met her right? Short woman. Breathes fire. Carries a hatchet
in her purse. Explodes in direct sunlight.

ROZ Good point. I get the feeling she doesn't exactly like Niles.

DAPHNE
What tipped you off? The fact that she arrived in a black dress and
veil or that she keeps beating him with her purse. I wouldn't be
shocked to see a voodoo doll of him covered in pins fall out of her
suitcase before she leaves.

ROZ Actually I think it was the "randy little sod" comment.

DAPHNE
At least she's come up with a pet name for him. I can't tell her. This
weekend has been traumatic enough without giving my mother a stroke to
go with it. It'd be months before we could get her out of the country
then. By that time the whole of the Western seaboard would have
started to submerge under the Pacific. I can't be responsible for
that. I'd be deported.

ROZ
You have such a loving family. Especially when alcohol is involved.

DAPHNE Alcohol is the soul reason that my parents have any children.

ROZ She might surprise you and be comforting.

DAPHNE
This is the same woman who throws pointy rocks at kittens from her
bedroom window to get them out of the garden. Comforting she is not.

ROZ What did happen with Donny after I left?

DAPHNE
He bought me an orange juice, which I drank so fast my gums nearly
peeled themselves off my teeth. Not an experience I'd recommend. Then
he went to the toilet and I got Alan to call me to the phone when he
came back. And that was it. I ran so fast I didn't have chance to grab
the door handle. There was a Daphne shaped hole in the front door.
That was a disastrous night all round as well. And now this.
Everything's just one big mess. The Moon's can't have a normal
wedding. Something always happens. The Police are usually called to a
fight, or a fire, or a murder. At least there hasn't been an explosion
at this one so far.

ROZ Ignoring the word murder for just a moment, explosion?

DAPHNE
Never let my Uncle Benny near anything that might contain gas. Or hair
spray for that matter. Actually just anything even remotely flammable.
He set Aunt Mary's hair on fire at her funeral. If she wasn't dead
before it happened she certainly was after. It's just a shame that she
was going to be buried and not cremated. We could have saved some
money. But we did warn him. A chain smoker with a severe nervous
condition should not insist on giving his wife an open casket. Anyway
I can't tell my family, they take adultery very seriously even though
I haven't actually done anything. My Great Uncle tied his wife to a
train track after he was released from a Japanese Prisoner of War Camp
only to find out that she'd had an affair.

ROZ
How are you not in therapy? Or at least a regular guest on daytime
talk shows by now?

DAPHNE
Well I was planning on marrying a therapist who could have helped me
but that doesn't seem very likely anymore.

ROZ SEES THAT DAPHNE IS BEGINNING TO GET UPSET AGAIN

ROZ
And now we're getting depressing again. Let's focus on something else,
something lighter.

DAPHNE STARTS TO RUB HER FACE

DAPHNE
You're right. Let's talk about something different. How are you Roz?
Have you enjoyed the evening so far?

ROZ
Actually Daphne if you don't mind, I know this isn't the perfect time
or place under the circumstances but I would kind of like to talk to
you about something. It's really personal and I know you'll probably
get a big laugh out of it.

DAPHNE
Isn't this the sort of thing you'd talk to Dr. Crane about and then
I'd hear about it when he tells Niles?

ROZ Wait a second, he tells Niles everything I tell him?

DAPHNE
Pretty much. You can't honestly be surprised. And you think we gossip.
We're nothing compared to those two. All they need to do is grow an
old lady moustache each, put their teeth in their pockets and they'd
be a pair of washerwomen.

ROZ
Well that's the last time I confined in Frasier. I would tell him
normally but I can't this time because...

ALLISON ENTERS INTERRUPTING ROZ

ALLISON Hey guys.

ROZ We'll talk about it later.

ALLISON I'm not interrupting anything am I? I can come back.

ROZ Only some distracting small talk. What's happening in there?

ALLISON
Simon has just fallen asleep on top of a table with his face in a
flower arrangement and now the rest of your brothers are trying to put
his hand in a glass of warm water to get him to pee himself.

DAPHNE
What do you mean trying? How hard can that be? Although saying that
Simon spends at least twenty-three hours a day with his hands down his
trousers. Which reminds me don't shake hands with him tomorrow.

ALLISON
Thanks for the warning but I've already shaken his hand today. They've
spent the last thirty minutes trying to find a way to get some warm
water.

DAPHNE Why don't they just use the hot tape in the bathroom?

ROZ Or ask a waiter?

ALLISON
All good suggestions but they've been drinking all day. It took four
of them, twenty minutes and all their brainpower to work out which way
the glass goes to put the water in it. In the end Audrey had to show
them.

DAPHNE And she only has one eye.

ALLISON
It appears that one eye is one more then all their IQ points put
together.

DAPHNE
You've got that right. At school the name for the class that all the
slow kids had to go into was known as 'The Moon Gang.' Everyone
naturally assumed that I was adopted because I was in a regular class.

DAPHNE SMILES FOR THE FIRST TIME

ROZ Well at least we've got that smile back on your face.

NILES AND FRASIER ENTER SOAKING WET. DAPHNE IMMEDIATELY SEES THEM AND THE SMILES DISAPPEARS

ROZ (CONT'D) Or not.

DAPHNE Hello.

NILES Hi.

A BEAT

FRASIER How about you two ladies let me get you a drink? Or three?

ROZ Thank you.

ROZ STANDS AND SHE ALONG WITH FRASIER AND ALLISON MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE DOOR AS NILES AND DAPHNE JUST STARE AT EACH OTHER

ALLISON
That's if there's anything even slightly alcoholic left in the
building with Daphne's brothers.

ROZ Don't you mean state?

FRASIER, ROZ, AND ALLISON EXIT AS NILES JUTS STANDS IN FRONT OF DAPHNE

DAPHNE You're soaking.

NILES It's raining.

DAPHNE That's good it might cool things down a bit.

NILES Maybe.

A BEAT

DAPHNE Where have you been?

NILES Just outside. Thinking.

DAPHNE What about?

NILES Us.

DAPHNE Is there an us?

NILES That's what I've been trying to figure out.

DAPHNE
Look I doubt that you'll believe me anyway Niles since even I'm not
that blind and can see that things do look incriminating but I only
saw Donny once. I didn't tell you because I thought it would worry you
and besides there was nothing really to tell. It was only for a few
minutes. It was a real quick in and out job that's all. No, no, no
that's not what I meant. Let me rephrase. I agreed to have a drink and
then I got the hell out of there as quick as I could so I could come
home to you. I love you. I wanted to be with you. He asked me but I
wouldn't even have a stiff one with him. I didn't mean it like that
either. Oh God. You can go ahead and call off the wedding now.

DAPHNE PUTS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS

NILES I hit Donny.

DAPHNE
But I want you to remember one thing. I have not done anything wrong.
I love you more then anything, this is your baby and...what?

NILES I hit Donny.

DAPHNE When? Why?

NILES PULLS UP A CHAIR AND SITS EXTREMELY CLOSE OPPOSITE DAPHNE

NILES
Just now. Outside. Right after I decided that I didn't care or believe
what Donny had told me. Right after I decided that I'd trust you with
my life. Right after I decided that you would never do that, you're
not that kind of person. Right after I decided that I love you and
couldn't bear to be apart from you for one minute. That I adore you
Daphne and I want to marry you more then anything in the world.

DAPHNE I'm so glad to hear you say that. Come here.

THEY HUG EACH OTHER TIGHTLY

A BEAT

NILES I love you. I'm so sorry I stormed off.

DAPHNE
That's okay. Forget about it. This is all my fault I should have told
you that I saw him.

NILES Forget it. Forget it.

THEY FINALLY BREAK THE HUG

DAPHNE Are we going to be okay?

NILES Well I'm going to fine. Are you are okay?

DAPHNE Yeah.

NILES
Then we'll be fine. Especially when I finally get that ring on your
finger in the morning.

THEY KISS AS DAPHNE TAKES HOLD OF NILES' HANDS

NILES (CONT'D)
Ow, ow, ow! Actually scratch that last statement. I think I may have
broken my hand. And I think that made it worse.

DAPHNE What on?

NILES Donny's nose.

DAPHNE Let me see.

DAPHNE BENDS NILES' FINGERS BACK AS FRASIER DID

NILES
Ouch! Ouch! Why does everyone think it's such a good idea to see if my
fingers bend that way?! Just ask me and I can tell you, they don't.

DAPHNE KISSES HIS HAND

DAPHNE
Well it certainly matches your eye. We should just be thankful that
you're right handed otherwise we'd have to smear your finger with
butter before I could put that ring on it tomorrow.

NILES
I don't think it would matter. The minister is currently lying
unconscious on the lawn. He's so drunk, tomorrow you could put the
ring on my toe and I don't think he'd batter an eyelid.

AS THEY HUG AGAIN WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

(E)

FADE IN:

EXT. HOTEL GROUNDS - MORNING - DAY/3 (Simon, Michael, Stephen, Nigel, Reginald, Mrs. Moon, Billy, Frasier, Niles, Martin, Roz, Daphne, Minister, Wedding Guests)

THE GROUNDS ARE SET UP READY FOR THE WEDDING CEREMONY JUST BY THE LAKE. ALL OF THE GUESTS ARE ALREADY ASSEMBLED INCLUDING ALL OF DAPHNE'S BROTHERS AND MRS. MOON SITTING NEAR THE FRONT ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE. THE MINISTER LOOKS A LITTLE ILL AS HE WAITS BY THE ALTER NEXT TO NILES ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE, WHO NOW HAS A BANDAGE ON HIS HAND TO GO WITH HIS BLACK EYE, AND FRASIER. WE FOCUS IN ON THE MOON FAMILY WHO ALL LOOK VERY ILL.

SIMON I think I'm dying. I can see a bright light.

MICHAEL That's the sun. Tilt your head forward.

SIMON
I would but I'm afraid it might fall off if I do. I think I'm still
drunk.

STEPHEN
That makes two of us. At least there's a priest here to read us the
last rights if we take a turn for the worst.

NIGEL I think I've lost all sense of taste.

REGINALD I feel like I have wallpaper paste in my mouth.

SIMON Lucky you. My mouth tastes like the inside of a horse's arse.

MRS. MOON
Will you lot stop shouting! Some of us are in an extremely delicate
condition this morning. And I've no idea why I only had one glass of
wine last night.

STEPHEN It's not classed as one when you keep refilling the glass Mum!

MRS. MOON Stephen Moon bite your tongue!

SIMON Ow! Mum keep it down!

BILLY Will you all be quiet before my head explodes?

WE FOCUS IN ON NILES AND FRASIER STANDING BY THE ALTER. NILES APPEARS TO BE SWEATING AN AWFUL LOT

FRASIER
The minister looks a little green around the gills shall we say this
morning.

NILES
I think he may still be slightly drunk. I saw him talking to the ice
sculpture earlier.

FRASIER That's funny I didn't see him talking to Lilith.

NILES Have you got the rings?

FRASIER
No I dropped them in the lake.

NILES
(HYSTERICAL) WHAT?!

FRASIER
Niles I'm joking with you.

NILES
And I'll laugh with you Frasier as soon as the bleeding from my brain
haemorrhage stops.

FRASIER
For the hundredth time in the last ten minutes, yes I have the rings.
Relax everything is taken care of. (NOTICING NILES SWEATING) Niles are
you feeling okay? You're soaking.

NILES I'm sweating like the pig that knows he's dinner.

FRASIER
Okay interesting, I suppose that has something to do with the fact
that you don't appear to be breathing.

NILES You want me to breathe?

FRASIER
Well as a doctor I'd advise it Niles. It is traditional. And if you do
the chances of you passing out in a puddle of drool on me decrease
vastly and since this suit is Armani I'd rather like to avoid it.

NILES Okay. Fine.

NILES SUDDENLY STARTS TO HYPERVENTILATE

FRASIER Although not like that. You're hyperventilating. Calm down.

NILES
I can't. So much has gone wrong this weekend. I'm just waiting for the
tidal wave, or an earthquake or a giant monkey to appear from the
woods and stomp on us.

FRASIER
Okay firstly tidal waves from lakes are quite rare and giant monkeys
aren't known to populate this state. If we were in Utah it would be an
entirely different story.

NILES What about the earthquake?

FRASIER
If that happens then you two are truly cursed, your baby will be the
devil reborn and the two of you should never be allowed within fifty
feet of one another ever again. There now do you feel any better?

NILES
Not even a fraction. I didn't think I'd be able to feel worse but
you've proved me wrong once again.

FRASIER
Well maybe you would feel better if you weren't breathing like you'd
just run a mile with a cow strapped to your back.

NILES
Unfortunately Frasier I currently only have two breathing settings,
this or not at all.

FRASIER
Considering you probably don't want to appear blue on your wedding
photos I think you've made the right decision.

MRS. MOON
(SHOUTS) Will you stop screaming at him! He's standing right next to
you not hiding in a bloody cave in Vietnam!

FRASIER Sorry.

MRS. MOON
(TO NILES) And you could bloody well breathe quieter if you tried.

MARTIN APPROACHES NILES AND FRASIER

FRASIER Well, very nice. You look very snappy Dad. Are you ready?

MARTIN SPEAKS WITH AN EXTREMELY QUIET AND STRAINED VOICE

MARTIN Frasier I've got a problem.

FRASIER
I know that everyone is in a rather delicate condition this morning
with more alcohol then blood pumping through their veins but you don't
have to whisper.

MRS. MOON Really?

MRS. MOON GLARES AT FRASIER AS NILES CONTINUES TO HYPERVENTILATE

NILES
Do as she says Frasier, she's irrationally violent and it's far easier
then loosing an organ or tufts of hair over it.

FRASIER
Tufts of hair?

NILES
She carries an electric razor in her purse in case of muggers.

FRASIER Point noted. What's the matter?

MARTIN I've...(TO NILES) what's wrong with you?

NILES Can't breathe, waiting for explosion, might die.

FRASIER A slight case of the nerves.

MARTIN Gee do you think? Here breathe into this.

MARTIN TAKES A BROWN PAPER BAG FROM OUT OF HIS POCKET AND GIVES IT TO NILES WHO STARTS TO BREATHE INTO IT

FRASIER
You brought that with you?

MARTIN
Do I know my son or do I know my son?

FRASIER Now what's the matter?

MARTIN I don't know.

FRASIER
Then how do you expect me to know? Dad can you speak up I can hardly
hear you.

MARTIN I can't.

FRASIER Why?

MARTIN I don't know why.

FRASIER
I'm confused. If this is some sort of new guessing game, now is not
the ideal time to play it.

MARTIN I think I've lost my voice.

FRASIER How?

MARTIN
I put it down for a moment and then a pixy flew down and stole it. I
tried to chase it but I wasn't quick enough. How do you think I lost
it?!? You're the doctor!

FRASIER Is this so you don't have to make your speech?

MARTIN
Yeah I did this on purpose. It's all part of my evil master plan so
that I never have to speak in public again. Excuse me while I go and
twirl my villainous moustache. Now what do I do about it?

FRASIER You're nervous aren't you?

MARTIN A little.

FRASIER
From a psychological stance this makes perfect sense. What you're
experiencing in my opinion is an...

MARTIN Can you cut the mumbo jumbo and just help me?

FRASIER
Fine if that's your attitude. Just suck it up and ask for the
microphone to be turned up louder.

ROZ APPROACHES FRASIER WEARING A BRIDESMAID'S GOWN THAT FOR ONCE ISN'T HIDEOUS

ROZ Frasier I need to talk to you.

FRASIER Sure what about?

ROZ I think you know what about.

FRASIER Okay. Niles will you be okay?

NILES
I'll be fine. Even though I've just eaten the receipt out of this bag.

MARTIN
Well then I hope you like your wedding present because I can't take it
back now.

FRASIER I'll be right back.

FRASIER GOES TO WALK AWAY WITH ROZ TOWARDS THE LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE CONGREGATION

NILES Actually Frasier I seem to have lost all feeling in my legs.

FRASIER Well Dad's lost his voice. You can both help each other.

NILES CLINGS TO MARTIN AS HIS LEGS GIVE WAY CAUSING THEM BOTH TO NEARLY FALL OVER. FRASIER AND ROZ MOVE AWAY SO THAT ARE OUT OF EARSHOT

ROZ What's his problem?

FRASIER He's still a little nervous.

ROZ
A little? There are soldiers about to charge from the trenches who are
less nervous then he is.

FRASIER
Wouldn't you be nervous if they were about to become your family?

WE FOCUS IN ON THE MOON'S AS SIMON SUDDENLY SPRINGS TO HIS FEET AND RUNS

SIMON I'm going to be sick.

MRS. MOON
Don't do it on your shoes again! It took me an hour to clean the ruddy
things this morning.

WE FOCUS BACK IN ON FRASIER AND ROZ

ROZ Good point.

FRASIER
Add to that the minister is so drunk he's seeing four grooms, most of
the guests have got hangovers and Niles is broken in several places.

ROZ RATHER UNCOMFORTABLY AND NERVOUSLY STARES AT HER SHOES

ROZ Frasier...I...

FRASIER You can talk to me Roz.

ROZ
At the moment I can't even look you in the eye. Those are nice shoes
by the way. Are they new?

FRASIER
Yes I just bought them. Four hundred dollars.

ROZ
You spent four hundred dollars on shoes? I didn't spend that on my
last car.

FRASIER
You don't think the tassels are too much do you?

ROZ Well they do make them look a little busy.

FRASIER Oh dear God do you really think so? I was...

ROZ FINALLY LOOKS FRASIER STRAIGHT IN THE EYE

ROZ
Frasier this is getting ridiculous. I need to talk to you about what
happened between us last night.

FRASIER
I know. And I swear I haven't been ignoring you but it's been hard to
get away with Niles in this state and...well you know.

ROZ Allison. That's okay. I understand. About last night...

MEGAN APPROACHES ROZ

MEGAN Roz, she's ready. Come on.

ROZ Okay.

MEGAN DISAPPEARS TOWARDS THE BACK OF THE CONGREGATION

FRASIER We'll talk about it later. I promise.

ROZ
Okay and just a friendly suggestion before we get this show on the
road you'd better slap Niles before Daphne sees what a dribbling wreak
he is. That's not an appealing quality in a new bridegroom.

ROZ STARTS TO FOLLOW MEGAN AS FRASIER JUST STARES AFTER HER

FRASIER Thanks.

A BEAT

FRASIER (CONT'D) (CALLS OUT) You look stunning by the way.

ROZ TURNS AND SMILES BEFORE DISAPPEARING OUT OF SIGHT. FRASIER REJOINS NILES, WHO IS NOW COMPLETELY CALM, AND MARTIN

FRASIER (CONT'D) (TO NILES) Are you okay?

NILES I'm fine.

FRASIER
This is a sudden turn around. I thought I was going to have to sedate
you. Why the dramatic change?

THE WEDDING MARCH STARTS AS EVERYONE STANDS

NILES This is the only thing that matters.

DAPHNE AND MR. MOON START TO WALK DOWN THE ISLE FOLLOWED BY ROZ AND MEGAN AS A SMILE APPEARS ON NILES' FACE

FRASIER Oh my God she looks beautiful Niles.

AS THEY REACH THE ALTER WE:
DISSOLVE TO:

(F)

INT. HOTEL DINNING ROOM - EVENING - DAY/3 (Niles, Allison, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Roz, Waiter, Simon, Mrs. Moon, Lilith, Wedding Guests)

THE ROOM IS THE SAME ONE THAT THE REHEARSAL DINNER TOOK PLACE IN AND IS BUZZING AS EVERYONE ENJOYS THEMSELVES, WELL EXCEPT FOR DAPHNE'S BROTHERS WHO ALL STILL SEEM TO BE NURSING HANGOVERS. THERE ARE SEVERAL PEOPLE DANCING INCLUDING LILITH AND A VERY FRIGHTENED LOOKING MARTIN. AT THE HEAD TABLE DAPHNE SITS NEXT TO NILES WITH HER ARM ON HIS SHOULDER. SITTING NEXT TO THEM IS ALLISON AND ROZ WITH FRASIER HOVERING BETWEEN THEM BOTH. EVERYONE WATCHES MARTIN AND LILITH

NILES
(RE: LILITH AND MARTIN) Awe! Don't they make a lovely looking couple?
In a completely disturbing way.

ALLISON Why is he still holding his cane?

DAPHNE It's his only form of protection.

FRASIER
Although I can't imagine it's going to help him a lot against the risk
of frostbite. That is the most frightening thing I've ever seen in my
life. They didn't even dance together at our wedding.

NILES
But if memory serves me correctly he did dance when your divorce
finally came through.

FRASIER
He wasn't the only one. I did a full Irish jig that day. I could have
taught Michael Flatly a few moves.

DAPHNE I don't think I've ever seen him this scared in his life.

FRASIER No kidding, he didn't look this frightened when he was shot.

NILES Well face it Lilith can do far more damage then any bullet.

DAPHNE Oh, someone go and rescue him. This is painful.

NO ONE MOVES

A BEAT

NILES SIGHS AND GOES TO RISE BUT DAPHNE PULLS HIM BACK DOWN AGAIN

DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Not you. If you don't mind I don't want you dancing with one of your
former conquests at our wedding.

NILES That makes two of us. But who then?

EVERYONE TURNS TO LOOK AT FRASIER

FRASIER Oh fine I'll do it.

ALLISON Well you were married to her.

FRASIER Yes and I've been punished for it everyday since.

FRASIER CROSSES TO MARTIN AND LILITH AND CUTS IN. MARTIN IMMEDIATELY SPRINTS BACK TO THE TABLE AND STANDS IN FRONT OF IT

MARTIN
Freedom! When they started playing Gershwin, I didn't think I'd be
alive to savour this moment. I thought I was seconds away from joining
Hester.

ROZ (TO ALLISON) Are you okay with them dancing together.

ALLISON
Oh yeah I'm fine with it. He's told me before that nothing will ever
happen between them or anyone else for that matter and even if it
does, if I don't kill him first the frostbite will.

ROZ Yeah.

ROZ WATCHES FRASIER AND LILITH VERY CLOSELY

DAPHNE Are you okay Roz?

ROZ I'm fine.

WE FOCUS IN ON SIMON AND MRS. MOON WHO ARE SITTING TOGETHER AT A TABLE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM. A WAITER APPROACHES WITH A TRAY FULL OF CUPS OF COFFEE AND PUTS THEM DOWN IN FRONT OF SIMON

WAITER Here's your coffee's Sir.

SIMON Thank you.

SIMON TAKES THE VASE OF FLOWERS OFF THE TABLE, TAKES THE FLOWERS OUT BEFORE THROWING THE WATER OUT THROUGH THE VERANDA DOORS. HE THEN POURS ALL OF THE CUPS OF COFFEE INTO THE VASE AND STARTS TO DRINK FROM IT. THE WAITER LOOKS AT SIMON IN SHOCK

SIMON (CONT'D)
What? I have a hangover. And unless you have some sheep's testicles I
can chew on this is the next best remedy.

THE WAITER MOVES AWAY

MRS. MOON Simon Moon could you be anymore uncouth?

SIMON
Well I could try if you wanted me to. I'm not actually wearing any
underwear. I did find a pair this morning but I think they were
Michael's since he took them off my and put them on after I'd warmed
them up. But speaking of taking off underwear.

SIMON TURNS AND STARTS TO STARE AT ROZ AS WE FOCUS BACK IN ON THE HEAD TABLE

DAPHNE
I don't want to alarm you Roz but Simon seems to be looking this way
and smiling like he has wind.

NILES And not to mention drinking out of a vase.

ROZ Don't worry I think I may have scared him off for good.

MARTIN How exactly did you do that?

ROZ I told him I loved him and wanted his baby.

NILES And that worked?

SIMON APPROACHES ROZ AND STANDS BEHIND HER STILL DRINKING FROM THE VASE

SIMON
Rose I've been thinking over your earlier suggestion about the two of
us bumping uglies and having a baby.

ROZ And? You're horrified? Disgusted? Completely turned off?

SIMON
Far from it darling. If we start now we might be able to knock out
eleven kids before you hit the menopause and I'll have a ready-made
football team to play for Manchester United.

SIMON OFFERS ROZ HIS VASE AS SHE JUST LOOKS HORRIFIED

SIMON (CONT'D)
Would you like a sip? Your loss. I'll see you later then?

SIMON WALKS AWAY AS ROZ HIDES HER FACE

NILES Something tells me that didn't go according to plan.

ROZ Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

ALLISON Come on Roz let me get you a drink?

ROZ A drink?

ALLISON Well one for starters. We can take it from there.

ROZ AND ALLISON BOTH CROSS TO THE BAR

MARTIN Well kids it's been a beautiful day.

NILES
It really is amazing Dad how quickly your voice improved after they
cancelled your speech. I wonder why that was.

MARTIN
Which is precisely the reason why I'm going to give it to you now. All
I want to say is...

FRASIER APPROACHES THEM AGAIN AFTER HAVING FINALLY STOPPED DANCING WITH LILITH

FRASIER Good Lord my hands are so cold I could refreeze a chicken.

NILES Gee Dad that was beautiful.

FRASIER I'm sorry did I interrupt anything?

MARTIN
You know it's going to be easier to say this if you don't look at me.
Look at each other.

NILES AND DAPHNE SIGH BEFORE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER

MARTIN (CONT'D)
No you can still see me out of the corner of your eye. Look down.
Thank you.

NILES AND DAPHNE LOOK AT THE FLOOR

NILES Would it help if we sang so we can't hear what you say either?

MARTIN
Do you want me to say this or not? I just wanted to say that I'm proud
of you both for the way that you've handled everything this weekend. I
know that if your mother was here she'd say the same thing. A lot of
people would have gone to pieces. You've been through a lot together
over the last two years and you're still together. The love that you
have for each other is inspirational. I couldn't have asked for a
better daughter-in-law and I'm sure Grandchild. I just wish that your
mother was here to see it because she would have been overjoyed to see
you so happy and to know that you found such a wonderful person to
share your life with. I love you both.

FRASIER My sentiments exactly.

NILES Thank you Dad.

DAPHNE Yes thank you...Dad.

MARTIN
All right there's no need to get all mushy on me. I'd better go and be
a good date and rescue Roz from the bar and from Simon.

MARTIN CROSSES TO JOIN ROZ, ALLISON AND NOW SIMON

NILES (TO FRASIER) I'd go with him if I were you.

FRASIER
Why? Why would I care about Roz? She can do what she likes. It's none
of my business. I'm not her keeper.

MARTIN AND ROZ MOVE ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR

NILES
It's not about Roz. I was only suggesting that you might want to go
over there because Simon seems to be offering Allison a sip from his
vase. And who knows where that will lead. She may eventually end up
drinking from his shoe.

FRASIER Ah. I see. Excuse me.

FRASIER CROSSES TO ALLISON AND THEY BOTH MOVE TO THE DANCE FLOOR

DAPHNE What was that about?

NILES I have no idea. Would you care to dance my darling wife?

NILES STANDS AND OFFERS HER HIS HAND

DAPHNE
I'd love to my sweet and may I add very sexy husband despite his black
eye.

DAPHNE TAKES HIS HAND AND STANDS BEFORE MOVING TO THE DANCE FLOOR

DAPHNE (CONT'D)
You know I can't believe we've finally done this.

NILES Me either.

A BEAT

DAPHNE It's been a perfect day.

A BEAT

NILES Thank you.

DAPHNE For what?

NILES For saying yes.

THEY KISS AS WE FOCUS IN ON FRASIER AND ALLISON DANCING WHO ARE WATCHING THEM

ALLISON They really do make an adorable couple don't they?

FRASIER
I can't begin to tell you how happy it makes me to see them together
like this after all the years of heartache Dad and I have suffered
through with Niles. If they hadn't had got together when they did Dad
and I were either going to kill Niles to stop his whining or kill
ourselves.

ALLISON
What were the odds that they'd get together after seven years of just
being friends?

FRASIER
Yes it is amazing. Seven years of making a fool out of himself finally
paid off. And believe me he did some stupid things.

ALLISON I don't think it could ever happen again in a million years.

FRASIER (REFLECTIVE) Yeah.

ALLISON Are you all right?

FRASIER I'm fine.

MARTIN AND ROZ MOVE TOWARDS FRASIER AND ALLISON

MARTIN Do you mind if I cut in?

FRASIER Not at all.

ALLISON Thank you kind Sir.

MARTIN AND ALLISON START TO DANCE AS FRASIER AND ROZ LOOK AT EACH OTHER A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLY

FRASIER Erm...would you like to?

ROZ I'd love to.

FRASIER AND ROZ START TO DANCE

MARTIN
I have to congratulate you Allison. You've got through a Crane/Moon
family gathering and survived without loosing a limb or getting
arrested. You're now officially one of the family.

ALLISON Is there a secret handshake?

FRASIER
We don't need one. Everything is usually so disastrous that we just
shake our heads in dismay instead.

MARTIN AND ALLISON START TO MOVE AWAY FROM FRASIER AND ROZ

ROZ
I've survived as well on more then one occasion, I even helped with
your condemned restaurant, does that mean I'm one of the family too?

FRASIER You've been part of the family for years now Roz you know that.

ROZ Thank you. It's nice to hear it.

A BEAT

FRASIER I have to say you look beautiful tonight Roz, I love this dress.

ROZ
Finally a bridesmaid's dress that doesn't make me look like an over
the hill drag queen. The amount of times I've been called Mister in
one of these dresses has to be seen to be believed.

FRASIER I fail to see how any dress could make you look like that Roz.

ROZ Believe me it's true. Sometimes I put Rue Paul to shame.

FRASIER In my opinion you'd look good in a garbage bag.

ROZ
Okay I need to talk about this, this, what ever this is. I need to
talk about what happened last night.

ROZ STARTS TO STARE AT THE FLOOR AGAIN

FRASIER I know. Me too. (THEN) You're embarrassed.

ROZ No I'm not honestly.

FRASIER And yet you're still looking at your shoes.

ROZ That's because you keep stepping on my toes.

A BEAT

ROZ (CONT'D) What happened?

ROZ LOOKS AT FRASIER WAITING FOR AN ANSWER

FRASIER I'm not sure. I'm with Allison now.

ROZ
I know that. On my part I was feeling a little sorry for myself. More
then a little vulnerable.

FRASIER
And I am a guy and a psychiatrist. Rule number one of the Psychiatry
for Dummy's Handbook, is nail them while they're vulnerable.

ROZ That's charming.

FRASIER
I'm just trying to lighten the mood. It just felt like the right thing
to do. You were upset.

ROZ It didn't mean anything.

FRASIER
Of course not. It was what happens between two good friends during an
emotionally charged moment when they're looking for a glass eye at a
wedding.

ROZ
Ah that old scenario. So we're agreed that it didn't mean anything?

FRASIER Absolutely.

ROZ And there's no need to be embarrassed about it.

FRASIER Absolutely.

ROZ Good. I'm glad. But just one more question.

FRASIER Okay.

ROZ Then why did your hand snake down to my ass?

FRASIER Once again I feel the need to say, I am a guy after all.

ROZ STARTS TO LAUGH AS MARTIN AND ALLISON DANCE THEIR WAY BACK OVER AGAIN

ALLISON You don't mind if I steal back in again do you?

ROZ
Of course not. You've been hogging my date too long anyway. Come on
Martin let's show this crowd what we're made of.

MARTIN AND ROZ START TO DANCE AGAIN AS DO FRASIER AND ALLISON. EVERY NOW AND THEN FRASIER AND ROZ CAN BE SEEN TO BE MAKING SNEAKING GLANCES AT EACH OTHER AS WE:
FADE OUT

(G)

FADE IN:

INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR - NIGHT - DAY/3 (Simon, Roz, Niles, Daphne)

DOWN THE CORRIDOR THERE ARE DOORS TO THE HOTEL BEDROOMS UP AND DOWN BOTH SIDES. OPPOSITE ROZ'S DOOR ARE THE ELEVATOR DOORS. STANDING OUT SIDE ROZ'S ROOM IS SIMON WHO IS PRESSED UP AGAINST IT

SIMON
Rose. Rose. Rosey, Rosey, Rosey. It's Simon. Oh come on Rose! Open up
the door! You know you want to!

ROZ
(THROUGH DOOR) No I really don't Simon. In fact I'd much rather be
disembowelled by a chicken then let you touch or cup any part of my
anatomy.

SIMON
Oh come on Rose stop denying your true feelings for me. It isn't
healthy to store up all this animal lust without having some sort of
outlet. You'll explode. I know you want to jump me just as much as I
want to jump you. I'm even willing to partake in a little foreplay.

ROZ (THROUGH DOOR) No!

SIMON Are you more of a cuddler then?

ROZ
(THROUGH DOOR) Simon for the last time if you don't get away from my
door right now I'll rip your arm off and beat you to death with it!

SIMON Hey, hey kinky. Now you're just trying to turn me on.

ROZ (THROUGH DOOR) Oh my God!

SIMON
That's right I'm still here Rose. Your God. Ready, waiting and raring
to go. Just say the word and I'll be all over you like a highly
infectious rash. That was supposed to sound sexier then it came out.

ROZ OPENS HER DOOR

SIMON (CONT'D)
I knew you'd cave in. You've got that look of a woman in heat about
you.

ROZ You're right Simon. I want you right here right now.

SIMON That's more like it.

ROZ
And I promise you this will be the greatest sex that you've ever had
in your life. What I'm about to do to you is a criminal offence
punishable by death in some countries. You'll be bragging about it
until the day you die in a retirement home surrounded by nurses in
tight fitting uniforms that's if your heart can last the night. By the
time that I'm finished with you, you won't be able to walk straight
let alone think straight.

SIMON I've waited two long years to hear you say that.

ROZ
And you'll get all that and more Simon if you can answer me one simple
question.

SIMON Anything you want.

ROZ Great, I was hoping you'd say that. What's my name?

SIMON Erm...Rose?

ROZ Goodnight Simon.

ROZ GOES TO CLOSE HER DOOR

SIMON No wait, that was a trick question. Give me one more try.

ROZ Fine. One more try.

SIMON
Okay here I go. That was just a joke. It was clearly a mistake. Your
name is RoseeeeRebeccaaaaRachelllllRobinnnnnnRhondaaaaaa. Rhonda?
Rhonda. That's it. Rhonda. Rhonda Dolly.

ROZ EXITS BACK INSIDE, SLAMMING HER DOOR SHUT

SIMON (CONT'D)
Are you thinking it over? Was I at least close? Is that a no then? I
didn't hear the question.

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER STEPPING OFF THE ELEVATOR

SIMON (CONT'D)
You wanted me to say the name of your son right? What's the big deal
about a name anyway? You can call me anything you like. Hello?

NILES AND DAPHNE START TO WALK DOWN THE CORRIDOR AND ROUND THE CORNER

NILES
Do you think we should help her? I'm sure we could get him to swallow
a bottle of sedatives somehow.

DAPHNE Oh don't worry about it. He'll soon get tired of waiting.

NILES He won't pass out in the hallway will he?

DAPHNE
Not twice. The last time he passed out in a hotel he decided to get
completely undressed before he went to sleep. The maid was a little
shocked to say the least when she found Simon in the hall bearing all
the next morning. From what I remember it was a particularly cold
hotel as well. The maid was Croatian so I'm not one hundred percent
sure what she was screaming but I can't imagine it was very
flattering. But anyway he'll just get tired of waiting and then go
downstairs, have enough alcohol to send him partially blind and try to
hit on one of my cousins.

NILES Then therefore aren't they his cousins as well?

DAPHNE
Do you honestly think that'll stop him from trying? He won't get far
though. My only female cousin is Bertha, the professional shot-putter.
And she'll snap him in half like a twig if he so much as touches her
again. She's already broke three of his fingers and yet he still won't
take no for an answer.

NILES Well that's slightly disturbing.

DAPHNE
It's only when he's had a lot to drink though. One time when he was
drunk and he finally realised he was chatting up a hat rack at Grammy
Moon's birthday party he tried it on with me mother until he realised
who she was.

NILES
Well there's a lovely image to try to go to sleep with. Although
actually Frasier tells me the same thing happened last night with your
father in the Winnebago. He seemed to mistake making him roll over and
put on underwear as a sign of affection. I heard a shriek in the
middle of the night but I thought it was a bird being attacked.

DAPHNE I suppose that was Allison.

NILES
No that was Frasier right before he started repeatedly shouting, "I'm
not Gertrude! I'm not Gertrude! Open your eyes!"

DAPHNE I wondered why they wouldn't look each other in the eye today.

THEY FINALLY REACH THE DOOR TO THEIR ROOM AND NILES PUTS HIS HAND IN HIS POCKET SEARCHING FOR THE KEY

NILES
It's been a pretty awful weekend all around. And one I'd like to
forget in a hurry.

DAPHNE
Is that so Dr. Crane? And finally getting married to me is an awful
thing?

NILES
Of course not. That was by far and away the highlight of the weekend.
It's the highlight of my life.

THEY KISS

NILES (CONT'D)
Mrs. Crane.

DAPHNE Mrs. Crane? I like the sound of that.

NILES Well you'd better get used to it Mrs. Crane.

THEY KISS

DAPHNE
We may have had some problems this weekend, but I can guarantee things
are about to dramatically change for the better.

DAPHNE TAKES THE ROOM KEY OFF NILES AND OPENS THE DOOR. SHE GOES TO STEP INSIDE BUT NILES STOPS HER BEFORE SHE CAN

NILES No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

NILES TRIES TO PICK DAPHNE UP, TRIES BEING THE IMPORTANT WORD

DAPHNE What are you doing?

NILES Carrying my wife over the thresh hold.

DAPHNE No Niles you really don't have to.

NILES Too late.

NILES CONTINUES TO TRY TO GRAB HER SO HE CAN PICK HER UP AND CARRY HER

DAPHNE
You've already got a black eye and a broken hand all bar the shouting.
I don't think I should encourage a bad back as well.

NILES
I'm going to carry my wife over the threshold. End of conversation.

NILES STANDS FOR A MOMENT TO CATCH HIS BREATH

DAPHNE Maybe I should carry you.

NILES I can do this. Stop complaining.

NILES TRIES AGAIN TO PICK HER UP

DAPHNE Would it help if I stood on a chair?

EVENTUALLY NILES MANAGES TO GRAB HER THE WAY HE WANTED AND PICKS HER UP WITH RELATIVE EASE

NILES Well there are two of you! And I've got you.

NILES ATTEMPTS TO WALK THROUGH THE DOOR BUT DAPHNE SOON REALISES THAT THEY AREN'T GOING TO FIT

DAPHNE Watch my head.

NILES ADJUSTS SO THAT HE WON'T BANG DAPHNE'S HEAD ON THE DOOR SO INSTEAD BANGS HER FEET INSTEAD

DAPHNE (CONT'D) And my feet.

NILES
Sorry. Who designed these doors? It's the bridal suite. Surely they
should expect this event to take place.

DAPHNE Try going sideways. Or buttering up the doorframe.

NILES TURNS SIDEWAYS AND THEY BOTH EXIT INSIDE THE ROOM
RESET TO: INT. HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS

AS NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER, NILES SHUTS THE DOOR WITH HIS FOOT BEFORE CARRYING DAPHNE INTO THE ROOM

NILES Okay I've got it.

DAPHNE
Well, well, well. I'm impressed. Where has this sudden burst of
strength come from? You break into a sweat and sprain your wrist
lifting a fork.

NILES
I've been storing it up since the first time I met you for this very
moment.

NILES KISSES DAPHNE BEFORE HE STARTS TO CARRY HER INTO THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM. SUDDENLY A LOOK OF IMMENSE PAIN COMES ACROSS HIS FACE AND HIS WALK QUICKLY TURNS INTO A DASH TO THE BED. NILES THEN CLUMSILY DROPS DAPHNE ON THE BED, NEARLY CAUSING HER TO BOUNCE OFF IT BEFORE CRUMBLING OVER IN PAIN

NILES (CONT'D)
Ouch! Oh my God!

DAPHNE
Now that was romantic. Are you sure you wouldn't have preferred to
have shot me out of a canon?

NILES LIES FLAT ON HIS BACK AND CLOSES HIS EYES

NILES Oh God!

DAPHNE What's the matter?

NILES ATTEMPTS TO SIT UP

NILES Ow! Ow! Ow!

NILES IMMEDIATELY LIES BACK DOWN AGAIN

DAPHNE What's wrong?

NILES I think I've pulled something.

DAPHNE What? Is it your back?

NILES No. Possibly something even worse.

DAPHNE Like what?

NILES My groin.

DAPHNE Oh you have got to be kidding me!

NILES I'll be fine. Honestly.

DAPHNE Really?

NILES GOES TO GET UP

NILES Ow! Ow! No I won't.

DAPHNE Do you ever get the feeling that we're cursed?

NILES Never.

NILES ROLLS TO AND KISSES DAPHNE BEFORE SUCCUMBING TO THE PAIN AGAIN

NILES (CONT'D) Ow! Ow! I'm sorry.

DAPHNE It's not your fault.

NILES What do we do now?

DAPHNE
What you had planned after Mum started swinging her bag yesterday. You
find something good on the TV and I'll get the ice.

AS DAPHNE PASSES NILES THE REMOTE CONTROL FOR THE TELEVISION AND AS SHE PICKS UP THE ICE BUCKET WE:
FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: SIMON LIES ASLEEP IN THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF ROZ'S ROOM. ALL HE IS WEARING IS A PAIR OF BOXER SHORTS WITH HIS CLOTHES PILED UNDERNEATH HIS HEAD AS A PILLOW. A MAID STEPS OFF THE ELEVATOR WITH THE HOTEL MANAGER. THEY STARE AT HIM FOR A MOMENT BEFORE THE MAID STARTS TO POKE HIM WITH THE ATTACHMENT FOR THE VACUUM CLEANER. EVENTUALLY SIMON WAKES UP, PICKS UP HIS CLOTHES AND SHUFFLES DOWN THE CORRIDOR TO HIS ROOM.