I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount
Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
This is probably my least favourite episode that I've ever done but decided to keep it as I felt I'd dug myself into a hole and needed to climb out of it.
Enjoy...
Frasier
Alternative Season Ten Episode Two
Friends, Lovers & Lunatics
By
Kelly-Simba
ACT ONE
(A)
TITLE CARD: "SURPRISINGLY THE FRUIT WAS MADE FROM WAX"
FADE IN:
INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON - DAY/1
(Frasier, Martin, Roz, Niles, Daphne, Eddie)
THE FLOOR OF NILES' LIVING ROOM IS COVERED WITH BALLOONS. ROZ SITS IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM BLOWING THEM UP AS MARTIN STANDS ON A CHAIR BY THE FIREPLACE TRYING TO HANG A "WELCOME HOME" BANNER AS FRASIER WATCHES AND GIVES DIRECTIONS. MARTIN MOVES THE BANNER HIGHER AND LOWER AS FRASIER INSTRUCTS HIM
FRASIER
Just a tad higher Dad. Higher. Higher. An inch to the left. No, no, no
back to the right. A tiny bit higher. No that's too high. Lower Dad.
Lower. Now we're back where we started again.
FROM THIS MOMENT MARTIN DOESN'T MOVE THE BANNER AT ALL
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Really Dad start to pay attention or we'll be here all day. Okay
higher. Higher. Higher. Slightly lower.
MARTIN
It's the same height that was before! I haven't moved it for the last
five minutes! You haven't been able to tell the difference.
FRASIER
To the untrained eye this may seem like a petty trivial matter but
it's these decisions that can ruin even the most well planned and
intended celebrations.
ROZ
Don't remind me. I know a slightly tilted tree always spoils my
Christmas day. I remember finding out when I was five-years-old that
there was no Santa Claus, and that even if there were such a person
his reindeers would be so tired by the time they'd covered the Eastern
seaboard that they would probably explode from the strain. This was
the same year that I caught my Dad making out with one of the next-
door neighbours under the mistletoe which resulted in my mother
throwing him out on Christmas Eve but that compares nothing to the
trauma of having a crooked garland in the living room. I still wake up
screaming about it.
FRASIER
That's very amusing Roz. But I'll have you know that I've treated more
patients with a phobia for crooked things that I have insomniacs and
narcoleptics put together. Crookedness is a very serious problem.
MARTIN It certainly was for Nixon.
FRASIER I've just had an idea.
MARTIN And I thought that noise was a storm brewing.
FRASIER You know where the best place to put this banner would be?
MARTIN Bend over and I'll show you.
FRASIER
Are you through complaining because we're running out of time?
MARTIN For the moment.
ROZ Then can I start if he's stopping?
FRASIER And what would your problem be Roz?
ROZ Well for starters, I can hardly see.
FRASIER Excuse me?
ROZ
I've blown up so many balloons this afternoon there's no oxygen
flowing to my brain.
FRASIER
But I want it look like we've made an effort not like a KACL station
birthday party.
ROZ Will you let that go already!
FRASIER
Nine years of loyal service and all I got was a single balloon, a
plaster of Paris cake from Miss Judy's arts and crafts hour and a trip
to the dentist.
ROZ
I told you not to bite into it but would you listen? You think you'd
have realised it was fake when Gill dropped it on the floor and it
dented the tile. Why do we even need all of these balloons anyway? If
I blow up anymore Niles is going to have to send up a distress flair
so that we know that they've arrived home.
FRASIER Don't exaggerate Roz.
ROZ
Frasier the living room is knee deep in them and the kitchen is so
full you can't push the door inwards to go in there anymore. Eddie
disappeared an hour ago and I don't know where. I'd get up to look for
him and take a breather outside but I've lost all feeling in my legs.
For God's sake I've passed out twice in the last twenty-minutes while
you two have been trying to put that banner up and you haven't even
noticed.
FRASIER
I would have gladly helped you Roz but Dad seems to be completely
incapable of doing this on his own.
MARTIN Incapable? Look! It's done.
MARTIN PINS THE BANNER INTO PLACE
FRASIER But it's crooked.
MARTIN
And? It's a "Welcome Home" banner. It's not welcoming the President
here. You're not going to put anything on it. It's not a shelf for
putting your antique crap on. But if you want me to run down the
hardware store and pick you up a spirit level then I'll...
MARTIN GETS DOWN OFF THE CHAIR AND STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR
FRASIER
You're not going anywhere old man. And anyway that's not the point.
Are you honestly telling me that looking at how crooked that banner
is, is not painful to your eyes?
MARTIN No it looks straight.
ROZ
You may not have noticed Frasier but we're not anal retentive or
overly psychotic.
FRASIER
That's all a matter of opinion. I've seen you attack the vending
machine at work for no apparent reason.
ROZ
No apparent reason? It was taunting me. I needed the chocolate and it
was dangling in front of me caught on the metal coil.
MARTIN Why are we even here anyway?
FRASIER
The place is being fumigated today and I thought it would be
educational for us to watch. That's why I insisted on bringing the
balloons and the banner they'll protect us from the fumes.
MARTIN Are you finished now?
FRASIER
Niles and Daphne are coming back off their honeymoon today, why do you
think we are here?
MARTIN Exactly. They're not going to want to see us.
ROZ Why not?
MARTIN
Because they've just got back off their honeymoon. They might be
planning on doing...you know...stuff.
FRASIER
How Niles and I were ever conceived is still a mystery since you are
incapable of saying the word "sex" out loud.
ROZ Don't underestimate the power of body language.
FRASIER A language I know you're highly skilled in.
ROZ I practically wrote the book.
MARTIN
Think about it Frasier. What was the first thing you wanted to do
after you got back off your honeymoon with Lilith?
ROZ Thaw out immediately springs to mind.
FRASIER
I'll have you know Lilith was an extremely warm and loving woman in
her own rubber gloved, disinfected way.
MARTIN That's an image I didn't need.
FRASIER
Although it didn't escape my knowledge that she was always far more
affectionate with her lab rats then she was with me. But I guess you
do have a point Dad. But we're staying because I need to talk to Niles
about something important.
ROZ Yeah and I need to speak with Daphne.
MARTIN What about?
FRASIER Guy stuff.
ROZ Girl stuff.
MARTIN
Okay then Frasier you talk to Roz about your guy stuff since your guy
stuff is often mistaken for girl stuff anyway and Roz you talk to
Frasier about the girl stuff and then we can go home before they get
here. What? He's as big a girl as Daphne. If not bigger.
FRASIER
Thank you Dad. But we're already here and they've had two weeks alone
for "stuff" so I don't think twenty minutes is going to hurt them.
ROZ
That's a good point and I don't want to have suffered brain damage for
nothing.
FRASIER Now let's get this banner straightened.
SFX: KEYS BEING PUT INTO THE LOCK
ROZ Too late.
FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ ALL RUSH TO HIDE BEHIND THE STAIRS
FRASIER Now do you remember Dad what we have to shout?
MARTIN
Gee I don't know Fras. What was it again? Fire? Happy Birthday?
FRASIER Oh just shut up and hide.
ROZ
Yeah because the balloons aren't going to tip them off that someone's
here.
NILES ENTERS, WITH A SLIGHT LIMP, PUSHING DAPHNE WHO IS SITTING ON ONE OF THE SUIT CASES. THEY STARE FOR A MOMENT AT THE SEA OF BALLOONS BEFORE NILES LOOKS AT THE NUMBER ON THE APARTMENT DOOR
NILES
No this is definitely our place. I recognise the fainting couch being
swallowed up by the sea of balloons.
FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ JUMP OUT FROM BEHIND THE STAIRS
FRASIER / MARTIN / ROZ Surprise!
NILES
Oh look darling while we've been away our house has been taken over by
the crazy balloon people again.
DAPHNE And I thought we'd evicted them and changed the locks.
FRASIER Welcome home you two.
NILES Thank you Frasier.
THEY ALL HUG ONE ANOTHER AND AD LIB HELLOS
DAPHNE Yes thank you. All of you. This is certainly a nice surprise.
NILES LOOK ABOUT THE ROOM BEFORE FOCUSING ON THE BANNER
NILES Is that banner crooked?
FRASIER See I told you.
ROZ Daphne why are you riding a suitcase?
DAPHNE STANDS UP AND PUT HER ARM AROUND NILES
DAPHNE
The World's Strongest Man here wanted to try to carry me over the
threshold again but to save another trip to the hospital, as much as I
do enjoy waiting in a corridor while he gets x-rayed, I thought this
would be an appropriate enough substitute.
NILES Plus it's cheaper then riding a mechanical bull.
MARTIN Another trip to the hospital? What's happened this time?
DAPHNE
We had additional problems to contend with after the wedding night
groin strain, the bruised hand and the black eye.
ROZ What did you do this time you big girl?
NILES I take offence at that! I didn't do anything!
ROZ
Notice when I call someone a girl Niles automatically thinks I'm
referring to him without question.
DAPHNE
Niles tried to pick me up again when we got to the hotel in Maui to
carry me over the threshold. Only I was still carrying my hand
baggage, which was a little on the heavy side so he asked me to drop
it.
NILES But not on my foot.
DAPHNE I've said I'm sorry a hundred times. I broke two of his toes.
ROZ That's really pathetic.
NILES Thanks for the sympathy.
FRASIER
What was in there to break two toes? Did you take a house brick with
you?
DAPHNE It was filled with Niles' allergy medication.
MARTIN
That explains a lot. Hester's purse used to be so full of all that
crap when they were kids it was probably heavy enough to knock down an
elk. So tell us all about it. Did you have a good time?
NILES It was fantastic Dad. The sand there was so white it was...
FRASIER That's great. Niles can I have a word with you please?
NILES Sure.
AS FRASIER LEADS NILES TOWARDS THE KITCHEN HE POINTS AT THE BANNER
FRASIER You straighten that banner.
MARTIN Yes Master.
ROZ Daphne I need to speak to you too.
DAPHNE Okay.
DAPHNE AND ROZ EXIT DOWN THE CORRIDOR TOWARDS THE GIFT WRAPPING ROOM AS NILES TRIES TO PUSH OPEN THE KITCHEN DOOR BUT IS MET WITH A LOT OF RESISTANCE
NILES What's wrong with this door?
FRASIER It's the balloons.
NILES What?
FRASIER You'll soon see. Just push.
FRASIER AND NILES FINALLY PUSH THE DOOR OPEN AND EXIT INSIDE
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER AND NILES ENTER THE KITCHEN, WHICH IS FULL FROM TOP TO BOTTOM WITH BALLOONS. THEY BOTH QUICKLY DISAPPEAR OUT OF VIEW IN THE BALLOONS AND THEIR MOVEMENT CAN ONLY BE TRACKED BY THE BALLOONS MOVING
NILES
Oh my God this looks like the home of a haemophiliac. Well this will
certainly make it more interesting trying to cook.
FRASIER Niles I really need to talk to you.
NILES
Okay Frasier, I would but I don't know where you are to talk to you.
FRASIER That's not important.
NILES Oh my God! What is that?
FRASIER What is what?
NILES This thing I'm feeling.
FRASIER How the hell should I know you're the one that's feeling it?
NILES
It's fury at one end and ow! Sharp at the other. It's some sort of
beast. Oh wait its just Eddie.
FRASIER Are you sure?
NILES No I'm not. It may be a kitchen knife or a bagel.
FRASIER There's no need to be sarcastic.
NILES What is Eddie doing here anyway?
FRASIER
Dad fed him a bowl of chilli yesterday. I didn't want to leave him on
his own. Pass him here so I can give him back to Dad.
NILES With great pleasure. Where are you?
FRASIER I'm by the door. Where are you?
NILES Breaking my knee on the table.
THERE IS A LOUD THUD
FRASIER What was that?
NILES Now I'm on the floor. No don't!
FRASIER What's wrong now?
NILES I've lost Eddie again.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' GIFT WRAPPING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE AND ROZ SIT IN THE GIFT WRAPPING ROOM
DAPHNE What do you need to talk about that's so urgent?
ROZ Why do you have plans?
DAPHNE
Well let me think I just got back off my honeymoon. So what would you
think?
ROZ Okay point noted. It's just that...wait what is this room?
DAPHNE It's the gift-wrapping room.
ROZ You have a gift-wrapping room?
DAPHNE
This is Niles' place we're talking about. He has a room for
everything. There's even a panic room but if I showed you I think he'd
insist on killing you afterwards. I wouldn't be shocked to find a
salad dressing room added onto the kitchen one of these days.
ROZ Niles' place? Don't you mean 'our' place?
DAPHNE
I guess I do. I never thought about it like that before. I'm still
getting used to this whole married thing but...
ROZ I kissed Frasier.
DAPHNE You what? When?
ROZ At the wedding.
DAPHNE
Oh that was nothing. He was the best man he kissed every body. It's
comes with the job.
ROZ
Then I think he took his job a little too seriously and bordered on
being a high priced gigolo. No I mean I really kissed him.
DAPHNE Kissed him how?
ROZ
How do you think? I gave him a quick peck on his elbow after a tennis
victory. I mean a proper kiss. I'm not going to drag him up here and
re-enact it for you.
DAPHNE
Oh my God! I don't believe this. Hey you don't think Niles and Frasier
are having the same conversation downstairs do you?
ROZ
I doubt it. I don't think he's been thinking about it like I have.
RESET TO: INT. NILES' KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER AND NILES HAVE NOW MADE THEIR WAY TO THE FRONT OF THE ROOM AND CAN NOW BE SEEN THROUGH THE SEA OF BALLOONS
NILES You kissed her?
FRASIER Yes I did.
NILES Roz?
FRASIER Yes.
NILES Roz Doyle?
FRASIER Yes Niles.
NILES The Roz Doyle that's your producer?
FRASIER Yes Niles. For God's sake how many Roz Doyle's do you know?
NILES
I happen to know a...just one. Kissed her how exactly. Show me on this
balloon.
NILES PICKS UP A BALLOON
NILES (CONT'D)
No wait not that one. This one looks more like Roz.
NILES PICKS UP ANOTHER BALLOON
NILES (CONT'D)
Okay now show me.
FRASIER I am not making out with a balloon.
NILES How did this happen?
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' GIFT WRAPPING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE AND ROZ AS BEFORE
ROZ
It was when we were looking for the glass eye. We were alone and I
happened to mention that I was maybe feeling a little jealous of you.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER AND NILES AS BEFORE
NILES
Roz wants me? Oh my God! I knew it! I knew it all along! All of the
years of insults. She's like those little girls in the second grade
that used to pelt me with chocolate pudding because they liked me.
FRASIER
No! Roz Doesn't want you. She was just feeling a bit sorry for herself
because she was dateless at a wedding and surrounded by happy couples.
NILES
I see and you took it upon yourself to take advantage of her in her
vulnerable state. That's against the Hippocratic oath Frasier and not
to mention extremely like Simon.
FRASIER
I most certainly did not take advantage of her. It just sort of
happened.
NILES
I'm sorry Frasier I'm only joking. I can't quite believe we're having
this conversation like this.
FRASIER
I know you've only just come home but I needed to talk to someone
about it and I obviously couldn't turn to Roz.
NILES No I meant in a room full of balloons.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' GIFT WRAPPING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE AND ROZ AS BEFORE
DAPHNE Then what happened?
ROZ
After dinner we talked about it on the dance floor and we decided that
it didn't actually mean anything.
DAPHNE "We" decided?
ROZ Yeah.
DAPHNE I take it was more of a "we" on his behalf?
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER AND NILES AS BEFORE
FRASIER She was the "we". It was like a royal "we".
NILES
Wait Frasier what are you telling me? I'm sorry I'm a little tired
from the flight and other strenuous activities of the last two weeks.
FRASIER
Spare me the gory details Niles. If I'm honest with myself I think
that there's more there.
NILES You think or you'd like there to be?
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' GIFT WRAPPING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE AND ROZ AS BEFORE
ROZ Both. I think I'd like there to be.
DAPHNE Then you have to talk to him about this.
ROZ
Yeah. That'll be fun. "Hey Fras remember when I kissed you and you
grabbed my ass? Let's do it again after dinner."
DAPHNE
Yeah something like that but maybe not as subtle. You don't want to
leave any room for ambiguity.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER AND NILES AS BEFORE
NILES What about Allison.
FRASIER
I've been thinking about that. I do like Allison. A lot. But as for
our relationship being more then that I think if we were really in
love this would never have happened.
NILES
Then may I suggest a few things to you? Secondly end things with
Allison because if this is definitely not going anywhere it's not fair
to keep her hanging on the line and thirdly talk to Roz soon about how
you're feeling, see if she feels the same and then take it from there.
FRASIER What about firstly?
NILES
Firstly get out of my house. I've just got back from my honeymoon and
my wife and I would like to...do stuff.
FRASIER
Dear God it's generic. Can you promise me one thing and then we'll
leave? Don't tell Daphne or Dad about this. Until I know what's
happening I want it kept between us.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' GIFT WRAPPING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE AND ROZ AS BEFORE
DAPHNE Don't worry I won't tell them a thing.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER AND NILES AS BEFORE
FRASIER
Thank you. Now let's try to make our way back to the living room.
BOTH FRASIER AND NILES DISAPPEAR BEHIND THE BALLOONS
FRASIER
Thank God this is a swinging door other wise we'd have to pop our way
out. I think I've got the door handle.
NILES That door doesn't have a door handle.
FRASIER What's this then?
SFX: SEVERAL BALLOONS POPPING
NILES I'll go with the griddle knob.
A LOT OF THE BALLOONS POP SO THAT FRASIER AND NILES BEGIN TO COME BACK INTO VIEW AS MARTIN, DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER
DAPHNE What the hell's going on in here?
FRASIER We're trapped in a giant popcorn maker.
MARTIN I thought I was having a Korea flashback.
MARTIN EXITS BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM
FRASIER Roz can I have a quick word with you?
ROZ Sure.
FRASIER STARES AT NILES WAITING FOR HIM TO TAKE THE HINT AND LEAVE THEM ALONE FOR A MOMENT
NILES
What? Oh right. Let's go and try to pop some of these balloons in the
living room so we don't have to swim to the front door.
NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO THE LIVING ROOM
ROZ I think we went a little overboard with the balloons.
FRASIER
Just ever so slightly. (PAUSE) Listen Roz I've been thinking about
what happened at the wedding between us.
ROZ Me too. I've been thinking about it a lot actually.
FRASIER Would you like to have coffee with me sometime?
ROZ
We have coffee together nearly everyday.
FRASIER
I know but I thought it would be nice to arrange to meet instead of
just bumping into each other.
ROZ That would be nice. Say tomorrow at eleven o'clock?
FRASIER Okay great.
ROZ Is this a date Frasier?
FRASIER I'm not sure.
ROZ How about it's a date but it's not a date?
FRASIER That sounds wonderful. It's a date then. I mean just coffee.
FRASIER PUSHES OPEN THE SWING DOOR ONLY TO HEAR A THUD. HE STOPS PUSHING FOR A MOMENT BEFORE OPENING IT AGAIN TO REVEAL NILES, WHO HAS OBVIOUSLY BEEN LISTENING AT THE DOOR LYING ON THE FLOOR HOLDING HIS NOSE
FRASIER (CONT'D) Niles.
NILES
I just noticed a scratch on the door. It's very tiny. This is my home,
why should I have to explain my behaviour?
ROZ So that we don't have you committed?
AS FRASIER AND ROZ GO TO EXIT INTO THE LIVING ROOM WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA - DAY - DAY/2
(Daphne, Niles, Waiter, Martin, Frasier, Roz)
DAPHNE STANDS AT THE COUNTER IN NERVOSA AS NILES ENTERS AND APPROACHES HER MUCH TO HER SURPRISE
DAPHNE Oh my God! What the hell are you doing here? Get out!
NILES That's a nice way to greet your husband.
DAPHNE I'm sorry. Hello sweetheart.
SHE KISSES HIM AS A WAITER APPROACHES THEM TO TAKE THEIR ORDER
DAPHNE (CONT'D) (IMMEDIATELY) So what are you doing here?
NILES
Erm...I can't tell you. Anyway I thought you were going to the grocery
store this morning. What are you doing here?
DAPHNE I can't tell you either.
NILES
I love how much more we share things since the wedding. We have a much
more open relationship.
WAITER
Can you both tell me what you'd like to order or is that a secret too?
DAPHNE A bottle of water please.
NILES Make that two.
WAITER You've come to a coffee house for water?
DAPHNE I'm pregnant.
WAITER Ah.
THE WAITER LOOKS TO NILES FOR HIS ANSWER
NILES She's pregnant.
WAITER I see. It's nice to know who wears the pants in your house.
THE WAITER DISAPPEARS BEHIND THE CURTAIN AS NILES CALLS OUT TO HIM
NILES What does that mean? I'll have you know I wear the pants!
DAPHNE Let it go honey he's a stranger.
NILES AND DAPHNE SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE IN THE FRONT CORNER BY THE COUNTER AS MARTIN ENTERS
MARTIN
Oh hi guys. (TO THE WAITER) Black coffee please. What are you two
doing here?
MARTIN SITS DOWN AS THE WAITER BRINGS THE WATER
NILES / DAPHNE I can't tell you.
DAPHNE
I was thinking do you think I can't tell you the same thing that you
can't tell me?
NILES I think so. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
DAPHNE
I think so. Although we could be both thinking about completely
different things.
NILES I don't think so.
NILES AND DAPHNE BOTH START TO STARE AT THE DOOR WAITING FOR FRASIER AND ROZ TO ARRIVE
MARTIN
Okay and that conversation has just given me a brain haemorrhage. What
are you both looking for?
NILES Nothing.
DAPHNE Nothing at all.
MARTIN Then why are both starring at the door?
NILES It's an emergency exit. I want to make sure that it's clear.
DAPHNE
Yeah and plus that cloud through the window looks like Keith Richards
with a mullet.
MARTIN Did you two get sunstroke while you were away?
NILES
We didn't actually spend that much time in the sun to be honest.
MARTIN
Oh jeez, I don't want to hear this. I have enough horror shows in my
head what with flashbacks of hacked up hookers. I don't want this
making it worse.
DAPHNE
Because it was too hot there. I got uncomfortable sitting in the sun
for too long.
MARTIN Is that because of the baby?
DAPHNE I'm not sure.
MARTIN
How are you feeling anyway Daphne? This little angel isn't giving you
too much trouble is it?
DAPHNE
Actually I'm not feeling too bad. I thought morning sickness was going
to be a lot worse then this. I wasn't quite prepared for the effects
of your son though.
NILES What does that mean?
DAPHNE You have been quite hysterical since we found out.
NILES I have not. I've been like a rock.
DAPHNE Oh please Niles you've been sick more then I have.
NILES That was the foreign food.
MARTIN Hawaii? Foreign?
NILES It's foreign to me.
DAPHNE Then why were you sick before we went away?
NILES
I'd like to take the fifth on that. But I'd like to maintain that I'm
feeling fine.
DAPHNE You're feeling sick right now aren't you?
NILES Well you made me.
MARTIN That's nothing it's just nerves.
DAPHNE
He's packed me a hospital bag and planned the best routes to the
hospital at each time of the day for every day of the week in every
possible weather condition. If I go into labour at three o'clock in
the morning on a Wednesday in snow, we're taking the Pine and 1st
route. Let's hope we don't hit any construction on the highway.
NILES There's nothing wrong with being prepared.
MARTIN You're nuts you know that?
FRASIER ENTERS
DAPHNE Oh look here's your brother.
NILES
Are you waiting for him to come for the same reason that I'm waiting
for him to come?
DAPHNE I think so.
NILES I'm glad we got that cleared up.
MARTIN You two are getting weird.
FRASIER (HORRIFIED) Niles, Daphne, Dad! What are you all doing here?
MARTIN Don't ask them. Save yourself the headache.
FRASIER That's great. Niles can I speak to you.
FRASIER AND NILES MOVE TO THE CENTRE OF NERVOSA
FRASIER (CONT'D) You told Daphne?
NILES
I most certainly did not. I think she already knows. Put it down to
her psychic ability.
FRASIER
You don't think Roz might have said something to her about what
happened at the wedding?
NILES Or alternatively Roz might have said something to her.
FRASIER Then what are you doing here? I don't need an audience.
NILES
I didn't mean to intrude on your date, I just wanted to make sure that
everything was going well.
FRASIER It's not a date, its just coffee.
NILES Fine. We'll leave.
FRASIER Thank you.
NILES But only after we've seen Roz.
THEY MOVE BACK OVER TO THE TABLE AND SIT DOWN
FRASIER Well since you're all here, I might as well as tell you.
MARTIN Tell us what? I'm not moving into a home.
FRASIER
Oh calm down, I'm not going to move you anywhere. I broke up with
Allison this morning.
MARTIN Why did you do a crazy thing like that?
FRASIER Things just weren't working out like I'd hoped.
DAPHNE How did she take it?
FRASIER
I have a bruise the size of a kneecap on an extremely tender portion
of my anatomy and she snapped all of my pens and pencils in my
briefcase.
NILES You carry around pencils in your briefcase?
FRASIER Sometimes I like to doodle.
MARTIN
Yeah because that's the important thing. I don't believe this is
happening. After all this time. After all the hours put into the
relationship to have it end like this.
FRASIER
For God's sake Dad, get a grip. I broke up with Allison not you.
ROZ ENTERS AND HANGS UP HER COAT
DAPHNE Roz is here.
FRASIER
Oh right well I'm going to go and sit over there. There's more room to
spread out.
WHILE ROZ'S BACK IS TURNED FRASIER CROSSES TO THE OTHER SIDE OF NERVOSA AND SITS AT THE TABLE BY THE WINDOW FACING THE COUNTER
MARTIN We can join you Fras.
MARTIN GOES TO STAND BUT DAPHNE PULLS HIM BACK DOWN INTO HIS SEAT
DAPHNE Stay old man.
ROZ SEES THEM AND STARTS TO APPROACH A LITTLE SHOCKED
MARTIN Would someone please tell me what's going on?
ROZ Daphne, Niles, Martin hello! Daphne get over here.
ROZ AND DAPHNE MOVE TO THE CENTRE OF NERVOSA
ROZ (CONT'D) You told Niles?
DAPHNE
I think he already knew. He must have read your body language. He is
an extremely talented psychiatrist you know.
ROZ Or Frasier might have told him what happened.
DAPHNE That would also make sense.
ROZ
More importantly what are you doing here? I don't need to be watched
like a monkey in the zoo.
DAPHNE
That's a good job. Have you seen what some of those monkey's get up to
at that zoo? If you did that here you'd get arrested.
ROZ
Daphne focus. Why are you guys here? This feels strange enough as it
is.
DAPHNE
Moral support? Oh all right we'll go. And speaking of Frasier, he's
here. Good luck with this.
ROZ Thanks.
AS DAPHNE SITS BACK DOWN WITH NILES AND MARTIN, ROZ SLOWLY APPROACHES FRASIER'S TABLE AND SITS DOWN. FROM THIS MOMENT ON THEY ARE BOTH EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE
ROZ (CONT'D) Hi. We seem to have attracted an audience.
FRASIER Yes we do. I think we should have charged admission.
A BEAT
ROZ This is a little strange.
FRASIER I know.
A BEAT
ROZ
But good strange. Like that dream where you're walking through the
mall naked.
FRASIER
I can't say I've ever had that dream. Strange for me would just be
walking through the mall at all.
ROZ I wonder what they're talking about over there.
FRASIER Us probably.
A BEAT
FRASIER (CONT'D) Very strange.
ROZ Strange indeed.
WE FOCUS BACK IN ON NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN WHO ARE WATCHING FRASIER AND ROZ LIKE HAWKS
NILES What are they saying?
DAPHNE
I can lip read. He's asking if that's a pander bear in the corner of
the room. (PAUSE) Okay I can't lip read.
MARTIN Will someone please tell me what's going on?
A BEAT
NILES
Oh all right. Frasier kissed Roz at the wedding. Or was it the other
way around?
MARTIN Oh I knew that.
DAPHNE How did you know that?
MARTIN
They've been acting really weird around each other while you were
away. I knew something was up.
DAPHNE Well now they think that there might be something there.
FRASIER GETS UP AND APPROACHES THE COUNTER
MARTIN Are you telling me this is a date?
FRASIER No it's not. Its just coffee. Stop starring at us.
AS NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN ALL LOOK BUT PRETEND NOT TO WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
(C)
TITLE CARD: "JUST THINK OF THE FILMS HE PAST ON"
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - DAY/3
(Martin, Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Roz)
MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WITH A PILE OF VIDEOS NEXT TO HIM AS NILES SITS ON THE COUCH SIPPING A SHERRY
MARTIN
Okay Niles so what do you want to watch tonight? The Longest Day,
America's Funniest Home Videos or there's a Seahawks game on.
NILES
Those are our only options? Isn't there some paint that we could watch
dry.
MARTIN You'd like football if you only gave it a chance.
NILES
I've been told the same about putting a fork in a toaster but I don't
think I really want to try that either.
MARTIN
Then let's watch America's Funniest Home Videos. You might be on it.
NILES Why would I be on it?
MARTIN (OBVIOUSLY LYING) Oh no reason.
NILES Dad what did you send them?
MARTIN
(CHANGING THE SUBJECT) Nothing but I did pick up another video from
the store.
NILES (HOPEFUL) Does it have subtitles?
MARTIN
Not everything has to have words to be enjoyable you know Niles. How
are you able to enjoy a book on tape?
NILES Surprisingly enough Dad I actually just read the book.
DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A GLASS OF WATER
DAPHNE So have you two finished squabbling yet?
MARTIN
I was just telling Niles I picked up another video from the store.
DAPHNE
Oh wonderful. You didn't get it from the dark section behind the
curtain again did you?
DAPHNE SITS DOWN NEXT TO NILES
MARTIN No. I took my glasses this time.
DAPHNE
Thank God. It wasn't the most fun thing I've ever had to do returning
that back to the store. I hope you've learnt your lesson now that
although it may sound the same Shaving Ryan's Privates is not the
Steven Spielberg war epic.
NILES Is that why the guy behind the desk keeps grinning at us?
DAPHNE
The security camera follows us a lot more closely as well now. So what
video did you get?
MARTIN Something that I thought would help Niles.
MARTIN PASSES A VIDEO TO NILES SO HE CAN READ THE COVER
NILES Child birth?
MARTIN
That'll show you Niles that you've got nothing to worry about.
DAPHNE
Oh yes because Niles is the one that's going to be pushing something
the size of a watermelon out of a hole the size of a grape.
FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM DRESSED SMARTLY FOR DINNER
FRASIER Oh hi guys I didn't hear you arrive.
MARTIN
You were singing that Italian crap in the shower. You'd struggle to
hear a nuclear explosion over that noise.
NILES You've certainly made a very big effort for this date Frasier.
FRASIER It's not a date, it's just dinner.
DAPHNE But you're wearing your never fail date cufflinks.
FRASIER
Yes which have never failed to not get me a second date. Proof
positive that this is not a date, it's just dinner with a friend.
MARTIN Still you do seem to have gone overboard with the cologne.
DAPHNE That's Eddie's flea spray.
FRASIER
But thanks Dad for being able to tell the difference. I wonder what's
keeping Roz.
NILES She's coming here? You're having your date pick you up?
FRASIER
How many more times people it's not a date it's dinner. There's a very
significant difference. Dinner however may lead to a date.
NILES
So what you're telling us is you're going to date her before you go
out on a date with her.
FRASIER
Exactly. And we're only going out to dinner because it was difficult
to talk yesterday with you three starring at us mesmerised.
MARTIN
If you don't mind me saying so son you don't seem overly enthusiastic
about this.
FRASIER Did you expect me to turn tricks and do a couple of cartwheels?
MARTIN
Yeah a man who puts his back out blowing out a cup cake can do
cartwheels! I just mean normally you'd have gone through your twelve
point inspection by now and be speaking French for no apparent reason.
FRASIER
But this is Roz, not someone I met filling my car up with gas. And
that inspection would normally be for a date. Not just for dinner.
MARTIN Okay.
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER Speak of the devil.
FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS IN A COCKTAIL DRESS. THEY ARE ONCE AGAIN A LITTLE AWKWARD AS NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN JUST STARE AT THEM
FRASIER (CONT'D) Hi.
ROZ Hi.
FRASIER You look fabulous.
ROZ So do you.
NILES Hi we're also here.
ROZ Oh I'm sorry, hi guys.
FRASIER So are you ready to go?
ROZ Yes. I'll just be a second.
AS FRASIER EXITS ROZ RUSHES TO THE COUCH AND SHOWS HER TEETH
ROZ (CONT'D) Anything on my teeth?
DAPHNE Nope, nothing.
ROZ Thanks.
MARTIN Have a fun date.
ROZ It's not a date it's just dinner.
AS ROZ EXITS MARTIN SWITCHES ON THE VCR
NILES I think they might be in a state of denial.
MARTIN
Gee do you think? Let's start this video so we can watch The Longest
Day before you go home.
NILES Oh joy!
MARTIN SWITCHES ON THE VIDEO AND SUDDENLY THE ROOM IS FILLED WITH THE SOUND OF A WOMAN SCREAMING
NILES (CONT'D) Oh my God what is that?!
DAPHNE Get that thing out of that poor woman!
MARTIN This is worse then Korea!
EVERYONE ATTEMPTS TO SHIELD THEIR EYES BUT CAN'T HELP BUT LOOK
DAPHNE You've had two children. Surely you've seen it before.
MARTIN
They wouldn't let us in then. We had to wait outside passing out
cigars.
NILES You delivered that baby in the taxi.
MARTIN I was trying not to look. This film should be banned.
DAPHNE
Okay that's it this baby is never coming out of me. Don't worry it'll
be fine. I'll be a seventy-year-old woman carrying around a thirty-
year-old baby.
NILES Don't worry. Everything will be fine.
MARTIN Unless that happens.
NILES
Oh my God! Turn it off! Turn it off! I'm feeling sick again and I
don't think it's the foreign food.
AS NILES RUSHES TO THE BATHROOM WE:
FADE OUT
(D)
FADE IN:
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT - DAY/3
(Frasier, Roz, Martin, Daphne, Niles, Attendant, Man)
FRASIER AND ROZ SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED RESTAURANT READING THEIR MENUS AND STILL LOOKING UNCOMFORTABLE. TO THE RIGHT HAND SIDE OF THE ROOM IS A DOOR THAT LEADS TO THE RESTROOMS.
FRASIER Well this is nice.
ROZ
Yes it is. I thought this might be a little weird. You know with it
being a...dinner and all.
FRASIER Well it's a date but it's not a date. It's dinner.
ROZ Exactly. Just dinner. Nothing to feel uncomfortable about.
FRASIER So what are you going to order?
ROZ I'm not sure. What's good here?
FRASIER The salmon is exquisite and his oysters are world renown.
ROZ Oysters? Really?
ROZ SUDDENLY DROPS HER MENU ON THE TABLE AND STANDS
ROZ (CONT'D) Excuse me a moment Frasier I have to use the bathroom.
FRASIER Okay.
ROZ EXITS INTO THE RESTROOM
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN ARE ALL WHERE WE LEFT THEM STILL WATCHING THE VIDEO
MARTIN
Oh my God! That's more then I needed to see. I'm going to have that
image scarred on my brain for the rest of my life.
DAPHNE You're the one that bought the bloody video!
MARTIN I thought it would help Niles.
NILES This is not easing my sickness. It's adding to it.
DAPHNE I hope you'll have a better reaction when I'm giving birth.
NILES
Of course I will. Right before I loose all feeling in my legs, hit the
linoleum floor and knock myself out.
SFX: CELL PHONE RINGING
DAPHNE That's my cell phone.
DAPHNE STANDS AND MOVES TO THE COAT PEG
NILES
Oh that poor, poor woman. I'm so, so sorry Daphne. Look at the damage
a man can do! I'll never touch you again. I promise.
MARTIN Didn't you see this kind of stuff in medical school?
NILES
Yes and then shortly after I saw my lunch disappear down the toilet.
DAPHNE TAKES HER CELL PHONE OUT OF HER COAT POCKET AND ANSWERS IT
DAPHNE Oh brother. (ON THE PHONE) Hello?
ROZ (OVER THE PHONE) Hello Daphne.
DAPHNE (ON THE PHONE) Roz?
ROZ (OVER THE PHONE) Yeah it's me.
DAPHNE (ON THE PHONE) Why aren't you eating dinner?
RESET TO:
INT. RESTAURANT BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
ROZ SITS ON THE EDGE OF THE SINK IN THE BATHROOM WITH AN ATTENDANT SITTING IN THE CORNER
ROZ
(ON THE PHONE) I've just gone to the bathroom and they don't serve
food in here.
DAPHNE
(OVER THE PHONE) Please tell me you're not calling from a stall. That
would be sharing a little too much information.
ROZ
(ON THE PHONE) No I'm not. The food may be five-star but the toilet
seats aren't. I need your advice. This date thing dinner, what ever it
is. It's weird.
DAPHNE
(OVER THE PHONE) That's because you're in the bathroom on your own
rather then at the table with your date.
ROZ
(ON THE PHONE) It's not a date it's dinner and anyway I'm not alone,
the bathroom attendant is here. By the way I was joking about the
toilets. They're very clean.
ATTENDANT Give me a dollar or go back to your table lady.
ROZ STARES AT THE ATTENDANT FOR A MOMENT
ROZ (ON THE PHONE) I'm not sure how I should act with Frasier.
DAPHNE (OVER THE PHONE) How do you mean?
ROZ
(ON THE PHONE) Well it's Frasier and he's talking about oysters. If
this were any other guy by now I would have spilt my water down my
dress and be asking the guy to help me dry it off.
DAPHNE (OVER THE PHONE) And that works?
ROZ
(ON THE PHONE) Are you kidding? I've had guys retrieve an ice cube
from down my blouse before now. But I can't do that now. It's Frasier.
Did this sort of thing happen when you started dating Niles?
DAPHNE (OVER THE PHONE) No I never put an ice cube now my blouse.
ROZ
(ON THE PHONE) That's not what I meant. I'm not sure what to talk
about.
DAPHNE (OVER THE PHONE) What do you mean?
ROZ (ON THE PHONE) We have nothing to talk about.
DAPHNE
(OVER THE PHONE) He's practically your best friend how can you not
have anything to talk about?
ROZ
(ON THE PHONE) But that's with Frasier my friend not with Frasier my
date. Okay let's move on to dinner. Normally on a first date I'm
careful about how and what I eat. I want to appear lady like. But I'm
here with Frasier. When I'm with him I'd eat a whole cow and belch up
a hoof in front of him and not even care.
RESET TO: INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
EVERYONE IS WHERE WE LEFT THEM
DAPHNE
(ON THE PHONE) Putting that charming image out of my mind for just a
second. Why don't you compromise? Eat the cow but belch it up when you
get home.
NILES Good God!
MARTIN Turn it off! Turn it off!
ROZ (OVER THE PHONE) What is going on there?
DAPHNE (ON THE PHONE) We're watching birthing videos.
RESET TO:
INT. RESTAURANT BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
EVERYONE IS WHERE WE LEFT THEM
ROZ
(ON THE PHONE) Not a good idea. After watching one of those I
contemplated stapling my legs together. (THEN) I'm not sure if this is
what I want anymore.
DAPHNE (OVER THE PHONE) Why?
ROZ
(ON THE PHONE) I think I was more interested by the idea of it. I
wanted to see if it works and I think coffee proved yesterday that it
doesn't.
DAPHNE (OVER THE PHONE) Then it's probably best to tell him.
ROZ
(ON THE PHONE) This won't be easy if he's not thinking the same thing.
I'd better get back to dinner. Bye.
ROZ HANGS UP HER PHONE AND EXITS
RESET TO:
INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER REMAINS AT THE TABLE AS ROZ ENTERS AND SITS BACK DOWN
ROZ (CONT'D)
I'm sorry about that. I think the bathroom attendants here were former
members of the Nazi party.
FRASIER I think they ask for that on the application form.
ROZ Now where were we?
FRASIER
Just about the order. Which we'll do in a just a second. Excuse me.
ROZ Okay.
FRASIER EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
WITH THE BIRTHING VIDEO NOW SWITCHED OFF DAPHNE IS SITTING BACK WITH NILES ON THE COUCH AS MARTIN REMAINS IN HIS CHAIR
SFX: PHONE RINGING
NILES PICKS UP THE RECEIVER FROM OFF THE TABLE
NILES (ON THE PHONE) Hello Frasier.
FRASIER (OVER THE PHONE) How did you know it was me?
NILES (ON THE PHONE) Let's just say I'm psychic.
FRASIER (OVER THE PHONE) So how's your evening?
NILES (ON THE PHONE) What's the problem?
RESET TO:
INT. RESTAURANT RESTROOM - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER SITS ON ONE OF THE TOILETS WITH THE DOOR OPEN AS HE TALKS ON HIS CELL PHONE. AS HE TALKS THERE IS A MAN STANDING UP AGAINST THE URINAL LOOKING INCREASINGLY FRUSTRATED.
FRASIER
(ON THE PHONE) This is weird. We don't seem to have anything to talk
about other then the Nazi party.
NILES (OVER THE PHONE) Ah ideal date conversation.
FRASIER (ON THE PHONE) Did you feel like this with Daphne?
NILES (OVER THE PHONE) No.
FRASIER (ON THE PHONE) Thanks.
NILES
(OVER THE PHONE) But that was different with us, we already knew how
we felt. You don't know.
FRASIER (ON THE PHONE) No I think I do.
NILES
(OVER THE PHONE) No you don't that's your problem. That's what's wrong
with both of you.
FRASIER (ON THE PHONE) Are you acting as my therapist now Niles?
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
EVERYONE IS AS BEFORE
NILES (ON THE PHONE) Well I could pass you over to Dad.
FRASIER (OVER THE PHONE) No you'll do fine, Dad has no credentials.
NILES STANDS AND MOVES OVER TO THE ISLAND
NILES (ON THE PHONE) Let me put you on speaking phone.
NILES PUTS THE PHONE ON SPEAKER PHONE
FRASIER No Niles don't do that.
NILES Okay.
A BEAT
FRASIER Are you lying to me?
EDDIE STARTS TO BARK
NILES No.
FRASIER Then why can I hear Eddie barking?
NILES
He's listening in your room. Eddie get off the phone! Honestly Frasier
you're not on speakerphone.
FRASIER Dad?
MARTIN Yes son? Oh shoot.
NILES
Look forget about the speaker phone and let's focus on the problem.
You both keep insisting that this isn't a date.
RESET TO:
INT. RESTAURANT RESTROOM - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER SITS AS BEFORE BUT NOW THE MAN IS STANDING IN FRONT OF HIM WAITING TO GET HIS ATTENTION
FRASIER
(ON THE PHONE) It's not. Excuse me a second Niles. (TO THE MAN) What
is it?
MAN Who are you talking to?
FRASIER
Not that it's any of your business but I'm on the phone to my brother.
Is that all?
MAN
It's just that I need to go but I can't with other voices in the room.
It disturbs my rhythm.
FRASIER
Fine I'll be quieter but for future reference no one needs that much
information.
THE MAN WALKS BACK TO THE URINAL
FRASIER (CONT'D)
(ON THE PHONE WHISPERING) Hello Niles I'm back.
NILES (OVER THE PHONE) I can hardly hear you.
FRASIER (ON THE PHONE) Someone else is trying to pee in here.
NILES
(OVER THE PHONE) And you're trying to listen? Never mind. Okay but
back to the matter at hand. It seems that a date is not what either of
you want. It seems to me that you've both conjured up these feelings
to try to convince yourselves that you really feel one way, when you
really don't.
FRASIER (ON THE PHONE) I don't understand.
MAN I can still hear you. I can't go until there is total silence.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
AS BEFORE
NILES
I think there was more of a curiosity there about what might happen.
After all it happen at the wedding. Daphne and I were an example of
what could happen.
FRASIER You have a point there.
NILES
Roz was feeling lonely. To your own admission things weren't going
that well with Allison. You invented these feelings for Roz to justify
splitting up with Allison and Roz did the same so she wasn't alone
anymore. And even if your feelings are genuine the fear that you both
have is going to be holding you back.
RESET TO:
INT. RESTAURANT BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
AS BEFORE
FRASIER (ON THE PHONE) Fear?
NILES (OVER THE PHONE) Of ruining what you already have together.
FRASIER
(ON THE PHONE) Thank you Niles. I just needed someone else to say it
out loud. I'll speak to you tomorrow.
FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AND STANDS
FRASIER (CONT'D) I'm going. Are you happy now!
MAN I can't go when people yell at me! I may never go again!
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
AS BEFORE EXCEPT DAPHNE IS NOW STANDING TALKING INTO HER CELL PHONE
DAPHNE
(ON THE PHONE) Did you hear all of that, or do you want Niles to
council you now?
RESET TO:
INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS
ROZ IS STILL SITTING AT THE TABLE TALKING ON HER CELL PHONE
ROZ
(ON THE PHONE) No I heard. Tell him thank you.
ROZ HANGS UP HER PHONE AS FRASIER RETURNS FROM THE BATHROOM AND SITS BACK DOWN
ROZ (CONT'D)
I was beginning to think you'd got sucked out the plughole.
FRASIER I was counselling a man unable to pee to front of strangers.
ROZ How did you manage that?
FRASIER I didn't but I learnt yelling makes it worse.
ROZ Was he good looking?
FRASIER
I'm not about to start to pick up men with bladder problems from the
bathroom of Chez Henry Roz.
ROZ I meant for me.
FRASIER Roz I...
ROZ I don't think this is going to work out between us.
FRASIER Me either.
ROZ Really? You're not just saying that?
FRASIER
No I'm not. I love you Roz but as my friend. My best friend.
Personally I think that there's possibly something there between us
but out of fear of loosing what we already have I think we should
leave it as it is. And if nature should chart this course for us in
the future then so be it.
ROZ
I couldn't agree more. I just hope that this hasn't already affected
our relationship. I would hate to loose what we have.
FRASIER We'll never loose that Roz.
ROZ Well I should go and relieve my babysitter.
FRASIER
Well just because this evening isn't going to go anywhere doesn't mean
that two old friends can't enjoy their dinner.
ROZ I guess your right. Cheers.
FRASIER Cheers.
ROZ
And besides if we stay here you can introduce me to that waiter.
AS THEY LAUGH AND START TO RELAX WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO
CLOSING CREDITS: NILES IS IN HIS KITCHEN WHICH IS NOW EMPTY OF BALLOONS. HE OPENS THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR AND LOOKS INSIDE. AFTER PULLING OUT AT LEAST A DOZEN BALLOONS FROM INSIDE HE PULLS OUT A RAW CHICKEN. HE PLACES IT ON A TRAY BEFORE OPENING UP THE OVEN DOOR ONLY TO FIND YET MORE BALLOONS STUFFED INSIDE.
This is probably my least favourite episode that I've ever done but decided to keep it as I felt I'd dug myself into a hole and needed to climb out of it.
Enjoy...
Frasier
Alternative Season Ten Episode Two
Friends, Lovers & Lunatics
By
Kelly-Simba
ACT ONE
(A)
TITLE CARD: "SURPRISINGLY THE FRUIT WAS MADE FROM WAX"
FADE IN:
INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON - DAY/1
(Frasier, Martin, Roz, Niles, Daphne, Eddie)
THE FLOOR OF NILES' LIVING ROOM IS COVERED WITH BALLOONS. ROZ SITS IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM BLOWING THEM UP AS MARTIN STANDS ON A CHAIR BY THE FIREPLACE TRYING TO HANG A "WELCOME HOME" BANNER AS FRASIER WATCHES AND GIVES DIRECTIONS. MARTIN MOVES THE BANNER HIGHER AND LOWER AS FRASIER INSTRUCTS HIM
FRASIER
Just a tad higher Dad. Higher. Higher. An inch to the left. No, no, no
back to the right. A tiny bit higher. No that's too high. Lower Dad.
Lower. Now we're back where we started again.
FROM THIS MOMENT MARTIN DOESN'T MOVE THE BANNER AT ALL
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Really Dad start to pay attention or we'll be here all day. Okay
higher. Higher. Higher. Slightly lower.
MARTIN
It's the same height that was before! I haven't moved it for the last
five minutes! You haven't been able to tell the difference.
FRASIER
To the untrained eye this may seem like a petty trivial matter but
it's these decisions that can ruin even the most well planned and
intended celebrations.
ROZ
Don't remind me. I know a slightly tilted tree always spoils my
Christmas day. I remember finding out when I was five-years-old that
there was no Santa Claus, and that even if there were such a person
his reindeers would be so tired by the time they'd covered the Eastern
seaboard that they would probably explode from the strain. This was
the same year that I caught my Dad making out with one of the next-
door neighbours under the mistletoe which resulted in my mother
throwing him out on Christmas Eve but that compares nothing to the
trauma of having a crooked garland in the living room. I still wake up
screaming about it.
FRASIER
That's very amusing Roz. But I'll have you know that I've treated more
patients with a phobia for crooked things that I have insomniacs and
narcoleptics put together. Crookedness is a very serious problem.
MARTIN It certainly was for Nixon.
FRASIER I've just had an idea.
MARTIN And I thought that noise was a storm brewing.
FRASIER You know where the best place to put this banner would be?
MARTIN Bend over and I'll show you.
FRASIER
Are you through complaining because we're running out of time?
MARTIN For the moment.
ROZ Then can I start if he's stopping?
FRASIER And what would your problem be Roz?
ROZ Well for starters, I can hardly see.
FRASIER Excuse me?
ROZ
I've blown up so many balloons this afternoon there's no oxygen
flowing to my brain.
FRASIER
But I want it look like we've made an effort not like a KACL station
birthday party.
ROZ Will you let that go already!
FRASIER
Nine years of loyal service and all I got was a single balloon, a
plaster of Paris cake from Miss Judy's arts and crafts hour and a trip
to the dentist.
ROZ
I told you not to bite into it but would you listen? You think you'd
have realised it was fake when Gill dropped it on the floor and it
dented the tile. Why do we even need all of these balloons anyway? If
I blow up anymore Niles is going to have to send up a distress flair
so that we know that they've arrived home.
FRASIER Don't exaggerate Roz.
ROZ
Frasier the living room is knee deep in them and the kitchen is so
full you can't push the door inwards to go in there anymore. Eddie
disappeared an hour ago and I don't know where. I'd get up to look for
him and take a breather outside but I've lost all feeling in my legs.
For God's sake I've passed out twice in the last twenty-minutes while
you two have been trying to put that banner up and you haven't even
noticed.
FRASIER
I would have gladly helped you Roz but Dad seems to be completely
incapable of doing this on his own.
MARTIN Incapable? Look! It's done.
MARTIN PINS THE BANNER INTO PLACE
FRASIER But it's crooked.
MARTIN
And? It's a "Welcome Home" banner. It's not welcoming the President
here. You're not going to put anything on it. It's not a shelf for
putting your antique crap on. But if you want me to run down the
hardware store and pick you up a spirit level then I'll...
MARTIN GETS DOWN OFF THE CHAIR AND STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR
FRASIER
You're not going anywhere old man. And anyway that's not the point.
Are you honestly telling me that looking at how crooked that banner
is, is not painful to your eyes?
MARTIN No it looks straight.
ROZ
You may not have noticed Frasier but we're not anal retentive or
overly psychotic.
FRASIER
That's all a matter of opinion. I've seen you attack the vending
machine at work for no apparent reason.
ROZ
No apparent reason? It was taunting me. I needed the chocolate and it
was dangling in front of me caught on the metal coil.
MARTIN Why are we even here anyway?
FRASIER
The place is being fumigated today and I thought it would be
educational for us to watch. That's why I insisted on bringing the
balloons and the banner they'll protect us from the fumes.
MARTIN Are you finished now?
FRASIER
Niles and Daphne are coming back off their honeymoon today, why do you
think we are here?
MARTIN Exactly. They're not going to want to see us.
ROZ Why not?
MARTIN
Because they've just got back off their honeymoon. They might be
planning on doing...you know...stuff.
FRASIER
How Niles and I were ever conceived is still a mystery since you are
incapable of saying the word "sex" out loud.
ROZ Don't underestimate the power of body language.
FRASIER A language I know you're highly skilled in.
ROZ I practically wrote the book.
MARTIN
Think about it Frasier. What was the first thing you wanted to do
after you got back off your honeymoon with Lilith?
ROZ Thaw out immediately springs to mind.
FRASIER
I'll have you know Lilith was an extremely warm and loving woman in
her own rubber gloved, disinfected way.
MARTIN That's an image I didn't need.
FRASIER
Although it didn't escape my knowledge that she was always far more
affectionate with her lab rats then she was with me. But I guess you
do have a point Dad. But we're staying because I need to talk to Niles
about something important.
ROZ Yeah and I need to speak with Daphne.
MARTIN What about?
FRASIER Guy stuff.
ROZ Girl stuff.
MARTIN
Okay then Frasier you talk to Roz about your guy stuff since your guy
stuff is often mistaken for girl stuff anyway and Roz you talk to
Frasier about the girl stuff and then we can go home before they get
here. What? He's as big a girl as Daphne. If not bigger.
FRASIER
Thank you Dad. But we're already here and they've had two weeks alone
for "stuff" so I don't think twenty minutes is going to hurt them.
ROZ
That's a good point and I don't want to have suffered brain damage for
nothing.
FRASIER Now let's get this banner straightened.
SFX: KEYS BEING PUT INTO THE LOCK
ROZ Too late.
FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ ALL RUSH TO HIDE BEHIND THE STAIRS
FRASIER Now do you remember Dad what we have to shout?
MARTIN
Gee I don't know Fras. What was it again? Fire? Happy Birthday?
FRASIER Oh just shut up and hide.
ROZ
Yeah because the balloons aren't going to tip them off that someone's
here.
NILES ENTERS, WITH A SLIGHT LIMP, PUSHING DAPHNE WHO IS SITTING ON ONE OF THE SUIT CASES. THEY STARE FOR A MOMENT AT THE SEA OF BALLOONS BEFORE NILES LOOKS AT THE NUMBER ON THE APARTMENT DOOR
NILES
No this is definitely our place. I recognise the fainting couch being
swallowed up by the sea of balloons.
FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ JUMP OUT FROM BEHIND THE STAIRS
FRASIER / MARTIN / ROZ Surprise!
NILES
Oh look darling while we've been away our house has been taken over by
the crazy balloon people again.
DAPHNE And I thought we'd evicted them and changed the locks.
FRASIER Welcome home you two.
NILES Thank you Frasier.
THEY ALL HUG ONE ANOTHER AND AD LIB HELLOS
DAPHNE Yes thank you. All of you. This is certainly a nice surprise.
NILES LOOK ABOUT THE ROOM BEFORE FOCUSING ON THE BANNER
NILES Is that banner crooked?
FRASIER See I told you.
ROZ Daphne why are you riding a suitcase?
DAPHNE STANDS UP AND PUT HER ARM AROUND NILES
DAPHNE
The World's Strongest Man here wanted to try to carry me over the
threshold again but to save another trip to the hospital, as much as I
do enjoy waiting in a corridor while he gets x-rayed, I thought this
would be an appropriate enough substitute.
NILES Plus it's cheaper then riding a mechanical bull.
MARTIN Another trip to the hospital? What's happened this time?
DAPHNE
We had additional problems to contend with after the wedding night
groin strain, the bruised hand and the black eye.
ROZ What did you do this time you big girl?
NILES I take offence at that! I didn't do anything!
ROZ
Notice when I call someone a girl Niles automatically thinks I'm
referring to him without question.
DAPHNE
Niles tried to pick me up again when we got to the hotel in Maui to
carry me over the threshold. Only I was still carrying my hand
baggage, which was a little on the heavy side so he asked me to drop
it.
NILES But not on my foot.
DAPHNE I've said I'm sorry a hundred times. I broke two of his toes.
ROZ That's really pathetic.
NILES Thanks for the sympathy.
FRASIER
What was in there to break two toes? Did you take a house brick with
you?
DAPHNE It was filled with Niles' allergy medication.
MARTIN
That explains a lot. Hester's purse used to be so full of all that
crap when they were kids it was probably heavy enough to knock down an
elk. So tell us all about it. Did you have a good time?
NILES It was fantastic Dad. The sand there was so white it was...
FRASIER That's great. Niles can I have a word with you please?
NILES Sure.
AS FRASIER LEADS NILES TOWARDS THE KITCHEN HE POINTS AT THE BANNER
FRASIER You straighten that banner.
MARTIN Yes Master.
ROZ Daphne I need to speak to you too.
DAPHNE Okay.
DAPHNE AND ROZ EXIT DOWN THE CORRIDOR TOWARDS THE GIFT WRAPPING ROOM AS NILES TRIES TO PUSH OPEN THE KITCHEN DOOR BUT IS MET WITH A LOT OF RESISTANCE
NILES What's wrong with this door?
FRASIER It's the balloons.
NILES What?
FRASIER You'll soon see. Just push.
FRASIER AND NILES FINALLY PUSH THE DOOR OPEN AND EXIT INSIDE
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER AND NILES ENTER THE KITCHEN, WHICH IS FULL FROM TOP TO BOTTOM WITH BALLOONS. THEY BOTH QUICKLY DISAPPEAR OUT OF VIEW IN THE BALLOONS AND THEIR MOVEMENT CAN ONLY BE TRACKED BY THE BALLOONS MOVING
NILES
Oh my God this looks like the home of a haemophiliac. Well this will
certainly make it more interesting trying to cook.
FRASIER Niles I really need to talk to you.
NILES
Okay Frasier, I would but I don't know where you are to talk to you.
FRASIER That's not important.
NILES Oh my God! What is that?
FRASIER What is what?
NILES This thing I'm feeling.
FRASIER How the hell should I know you're the one that's feeling it?
NILES
It's fury at one end and ow! Sharp at the other. It's some sort of
beast. Oh wait its just Eddie.
FRASIER Are you sure?
NILES No I'm not. It may be a kitchen knife or a bagel.
FRASIER There's no need to be sarcastic.
NILES What is Eddie doing here anyway?
FRASIER
Dad fed him a bowl of chilli yesterday. I didn't want to leave him on
his own. Pass him here so I can give him back to Dad.
NILES With great pleasure. Where are you?
FRASIER I'm by the door. Where are you?
NILES Breaking my knee on the table.
THERE IS A LOUD THUD
FRASIER What was that?
NILES Now I'm on the floor. No don't!
FRASIER What's wrong now?
NILES I've lost Eddie again.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' GIFT WRAPPING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE AND ROZ SIT IN THE GIFT WRAPPING ROOM
DAPHNE What do you need to talk about that's so urgent?
ROZ Why do you have plans?
DAPHNE
Well let me think I just got back off my honeymoon. So what would you
think?
ROZ Okay point noted. It's just that...wait what is this room?
DAPHNE It's the gift-wrapping room.
ROZ You have a gift-wrapping room?
DAPHNE
This is Niles' place we're talking about. He has a room for
everything. There's even a panic room but if I showed you I think he'd
insist on killing you afterwards. I wouldn't be shocked to find a
salad dressing room added onto the kitchen one of these days.
ROZ Niles' place? Don't you mean 'our' place?
DAPHNE
I guess I do. I never thought about it like that before. I'm still
getting used to this whole married thing but...
ROZ I kissed Frasier.
DAPHNE You what? When?
ROZ At the wedding.
DAPHNE
Oh that was nothing. He was the best man he kissed every body. It's
comes with the job.
ROZ
Then I think he took his job a little too seriously and bordered on
being a high priced gigolo. No I mean I really kissed him.
DAPHNE Kissed him how?
ROZ
How do you think? I gave him a quick peck on his elbow after a tennis
victory. I mean a proper kiss. I'm not going to drag him up here and
re-enact it for you.
DAPHNE
Oh my God! I don't believe this. Hey you don't think Niles and Frasier
are having the same conversation downstairs do you?
ROZ
I doubt it. I don't think he's been thinking about it like I have.
RESET TO: INT. NILES' KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER AND NILES HAVE NOW MADE THEIR WAY TO THE FRONT OF THE ROOM AND CAN NOW BE SEEN THROUGH THE SEA OF BALLOONS
NILES You kissed her?
FRASIER Yes I did.
NILES Roz?
FRASIER Yes.
NILES Roz Doyle?
FRASIER Yes Niles.
NILES The Roz Doyle that's your producer?
FRASIER Yes Niles. For God's sake how many Roz Doyle's do you know?
NILES
I happen to know a...just one. Kissed her how exactly. Show me on this
balloon.
NILES PICKS UP A BALLOON
NILES (CONT'D)
No wait not that one. This one looks more like Roz.
NILES PICKS UP ANOTHER BALLOON
NILES (CONT'D)
Okay now show me.
FRASIER I am not making out with a balloon.
NILES How did this happen?
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' GIFT WRAPPING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE AND ROZ AS BEFORE
ROZ
It was when we were looking for the glass eye. We were alone and I
happened to mention that I was maybe feeling a little jealous of you.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER AND NILES AS BEFORE
NILES
Roz wants me? Oh my God! I knew it! I knew it all along! All of the
years of insults. She's like those little girls in the second grade
that used to pelt me with chocolate pudding because they liked me.
FRASIER
No! Roz Doesn't want you. She was just feeling a bit sorry for herself
because she was dateless at a wedding and surrounded by happy couples.
NILES
I see and you took it upon yourself to take advantage of her in her
vulnerable state. That's against the Hippocratic oath Frasier and not
to mention extremely like Simon.
FRASIER
I most certainly did not take advantage of her. It just sort of
happened.
NILES
I'm sorry Frasier I'm only joking. I can't quite believe we're having
this conversation like this.
FRASIER
I know you've only just come home but I needed to talk to someone
about it and I obviously couldn't turn to Roz.
NILES No I meant in a room full of balloons.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' GIFT WRAPPING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE AND ROZ AS BEFORE
DAPHNE Then what happened?
ROZ
After dinner we talked about it on the dance floor and we decided that
it didn't actually mean anything.
DAPHNE "We" decided?
ROZ Yeah.
DAPHNE I take it was more of a "we" on his behalf?
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER AND NILES AS BEFORE
FRASIER She was the "we". It was like a royal "we".
NILES
Wait Frasier what are you telling me? I'm sorry I'm a little tired
from the flight and other strenuous activities of the last two weeks.
FRASIER
Spare me the gory details Niles. If I'm honest with myself I think
that there's more there.
NILES You think or you'd like there to be?
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' GIFT WRAPPING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE AND ROZ AS BEFORE
ROZ Both. I think I'd like there to be.
DAPHNE Then you have to talk to him about this.
ROZ
Yeah. That'll be fun. "Hey Fras remember when I kissed you and you
grabbed my ass? Let's do it again after dinner."
DAPHNE
Yeah something like that but maybe not as subtle. You don't want to
leave any room for ambiguity.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER AND NILES AS BEFORE
NILES What about Allison.
FRASIER
I've been thinking about that. I do like Allison. A lot. But as for
our relationship being more then that I think if we were really in
love this would never have happened.
NILES
Then may I suggest a few things to you? Secondly end things with
Allison because if this is definitely not going anywhere it's not fair
to keep her hanging on the line and thirdly talk to Roz soon about how
you're feeling, see if she feels the same and then take it from there.
FRASIER What about firstly?
NILES
Firstly get out of my house. I've just got back from my honeymoon and
my wife and I would like to...do stuff.
FRASIER
Dear God it's generic. Can you promise me one thing and then we'll
leave? Don't tell Daphne or Dad about this. Until I know what's
happening I want it kept between us.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' GIFT WRAPPING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE AND ROZ AS BEFORE
DAPHNE Don't worry I won't tell them a thing.
RESET TO:
INT. NILES' KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER AND NILES AS BEFORE
FRASIER
Thank you. Now let's try to make our way back to the living room.
BOTH FRASIER AND NILES DISAPPEAR BEHIND THE BALLOONS
FRASIER
Thank God this is a swinging door other wise we'd have to pop our way
out. I think I've got the door handle.
NILES That door doesn't have a door handle.
FRASIER What's this then?
SFX: SEVERAL BALLOONS POPPING
NILES I'll go with the griddle knob.
A LOT OF THE BALLOONS POP SO THAT FRASIER AND NILES BEGIN TO COME BACK INTO VIEW AS MARTIN, DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER
DAPHNE What the hell's going on in here?
FRASIER We're trapped in a giant popcorn maker.
MARTIN I thought I was having a Korea flashback.
MARTIN EXITS BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM
FRASIER Roz can I have a quick word with you?
ROZ Sure.
FRASIER STARES AT NILES WAITING FOR HIM TO TAKE THE HINT AND LEAVE THEM ALONE FOR A MOMENT
NILES
What? Oh right. Let's go and try to pop some of these balloons in the
living room so we don't have to swim to the front door.
NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO THE LIVING ROOM
ROZ I think we went a little overboard with the balloons.
FRASIER
Just ever so slightly. (PAUSE) Listen Roz I've been thinking about
what happened at the wedding between us.
ROZ Me too. I've been thinking about it a lot actually.
FRASIER Would you like to have coffee with me sometime?
ROZ
We have coffee together nearly everyday.
FRASIER
I know but I thought it would be nice to arrange to meet instead of
just bumping into each other.
ROZ That would be nice. Say tomorrow at eleven o'clock?
FRASIER Okay great.
ROZ Is this a date Frasier?
FRASIER I'm not sure.
ROZ How about it's a date but it's not a date?
FRASIER That sounds wonderful. It's a date then. I mean just coffee.
FRASIER PUSHES OPEN THE SWING DOOR ONLY TO HEAR A THUD. HE STOPS PUSHING FOR A MOMENT BEFORE OPENING IT AGAIN TO REVEAL NILES, WHO HAS OBVIOUSLY BEEN LISTENING AT THE DOOR LYING ON THE FLOOR HOLDING HIS NOSE
FRASIER (CONT'D) Niles.
NILES
I just noticed a scratch on the door. It's very tiny. This is my home,
why should I have to explain my behaviour?
ROZ So that we don't have you committed?
AS FRASIER AND ROZ GO TO EXIT INTO THE LIVING ROOM WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA - DAY - DAY/2
(Daphne, Niles, Waiter, Martin, Frasier, Roz)
DAPHNE STANDS AT THE COUNTER IN NERVOSA AS NILES ENTERS AND APPROACHES HER MUCH TO HER SURPRISE
DAPHNE Oh my God! What the hell are you doing here? Get out!
NILES That's a nice way to greet your husband.
DAPHNE I'm sorry. Hello sweetheart.
SHE KISSES HIM AS A WAITER APPROACHES THEM TO TAKE THEIR ORDER
DAPHNE (CONT'D) (IMMEDIATELY) So what are you doing here?
NILES
Erm...I can't tell you. Anyway I thought you were going to the grocery
store this morning. What are you doing here?
DAPHNE I can't tell you either.
NILES
I love how much more we share things since the wedding. We have a much
more open relationship.
WAITER
Can you both tell me what you'd like to order or is that a secret too?
DAPHNE A bottle of water please.
NILES Make that two.
WAITER You've come to a coffee house for water?
DAPHNE I'm pregnant.
WAITER Ah.
THE WAITER LOOKS TO NILES FOR HIS ANSWER
NILES She's pregnant.
WAITER I see. It's nice to know who wears the pants in your house.
THE WAITER DISAPPEARS BEHIND THE CURTAIN AS NILES CALLS OUT TO HIM
NILES What does that mean? I'll have you know I wear the pants!
DAPHNE Let it go honey he's a stranger.
NILES AND DAPHNE SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE IN THE FRONT CORNER BY THE COUNTER AS MARTIN ENTERS
MARTIN
Oh hi guys. (TO THE WAITER) Black coffee please. What are you two
doing here?
MARTIN SITS DOWN AS THE WAITER BRINGS THE WATER
NILES / DAPHNE I can't tell you.
DAPHNE
I was thinking do you think I can't tell you the same thing that you
can't tell me?
NILES I think so. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
DAPHNE
I think so. Although we could be both thinking about completely
different things.
NILES I don't think so.
NILES AND DAPHNE BOTH START TO STARE AT THE DOOR WAITING FOR FRASIER AND ROZ TO ARRIVE
MARTIN
Okay and that conversation has just given me a brain haemorrhage. What
are you both looking for?
NILES Nothing.
DAPHNE Nothing at all.
MARTIN Then why are both starring at the door?
NILES It's an emergency exit. I want to make sure that it's clear.
DAPHNE
Yeah and plus that cloud through the window looks like Keith Richards
with a mullet.
MARTIN Did you two get sunstroke while you were away?
NILES
We didn't actually spend that much time in the sun to be honest.
MARTIN
Oh jeez, I don't want to hear this. I have enough horror shows in my
head what with flashbacks of hacked up hookers. I don't want this
making it worse.
DAPHNE
Because it was too hot there. I got uncomfortable sitting in the sun
for too long.
MARTIN Is that because of the baby?
DAPHNE I'm not sure.
MARTIN
How are you feeling anyway Daphne? This little angel isn't giving you
too much trouble is it?
DAPHNE
Actually I'm not feeling too bad. I thought morning sickness was going
to be a lot worse then this. I wasn't quite prepared for the effects
of your son though.
NILES What does that mean?
DAPHNE You have been quite hysterical since we found out.
NILES I have not. I've been like a rock.
DAPHNE Oh please Niles you've been sick more then I have.
NILES That was the foreign food.
MARTIN Hawaii? Foreign?
NILES It's foreign to me.
DAPHNE Then why were you sick before we went away?
NILES
I'd like to take the fifth on that. But I'd like to maintain that I'm
feeling fine.
DAPHNE You're feeling sick right now aren't you?
NILES Well you made me.
MARTIN That's nothing it's just nerves.
DAPHNE
He's packed me a hospital bag and planned the best routes to the
hospital at each time of the day for every day of the week in every
possible weather condition. If I go into labour at three o'clock in
the morning on a Wednesday in snow, we're taking the Pine and 1st
route. Let's hope we don't hit any construction on the highway.
NILES There's nothing wrong with being prepared.
MARTIN You're nuts you know that?
FRASIER ENTERS
DAPHNE Oh look here's your brother.
NILES
Are you waiting for him to come for the same reason that I'm waiting
for him to come?
DAPHNE I think so.
NILES I'm glad we got that cleared up.
MARTIN You two are getting weird.
FRASIER (HORRIFIED) Niles, Daphne, Dad! What are you all doing here?
MARTIN Don't ask them. Save yourself the headache.
FRASIER That's great. Niles can I speak to you.
FRASIER AND NILES MOVE TO THE CENTRE OF NERVOSA
FRASIER (CONT'D) You told Daphne?
NILES
I most certainly did not. I think she already knows. Put it down to
her psychic ability.
FRASIER
You don't think Roz might have said something to her about what
happened at the wedding?
NILES Or alternatively Roz might have said something to her.
FRASIER Then what are you doing here? I don't need an audience.
NILES
I didn't mean to intrude on your date, I just wanted to make sure that
everything was going well.
FRASIER It's not a date, its just coffee.
NILES Fine. We'll leave.
FRASIER Thank you.
NILES But only after we've seen Roz.
THEY MOVE BACK OVER TO THE TABLE AND SIT DOWN
FRASIER Well since you're all here, I might as well as tell you.
MARTIN Tell us what? I'm not moving into a home.
FRASIER
Oh calm down, I'm not going to move you anywhere. I broke up with
Allison this morning.
MARTIN Why did you do a crazy thing like that?
FRASIER Things just weren't working out like I'd hoped.
DAPHNE How did she take it?
FRASIER
I have a bruise the size of a kneecap on an extremely tender portion
of my anatomy and she snapped all of my pens and pencils in my
briefcase.
NILES You carry around pencils in your briefcase?
FRASIER Sometimes I like to doodle.
MARTIN
Yeah because that's the important thing. I don't believe this is
happening. After all this time. After all the hours put into the
relationship to have it end like this.
FRASIER
For God's sake Dad, get a grip. I broke up with Allison not you.
ROZ ENTERS AND HANGS UP HER COAT
DAPHNE Roz is here.
FRASIER
Oh right well I'm going to go and sit over there. There's more room to
spread out.
WHILE ROZ'S BACK IS TURNED FRASIER CROSSES TO THE OTHER SIDE OF NERVOSA AND SITS AT THE TABLE BY THE WINDOW FACING THE COUNTER
MARTIN We can join you Fras.
MARTIN GOES TO STAND BUT DAPHNE PULLS HIM BACK DOWN INTO HIS SEAT
DAPHNE Stay old man.
ROZ SEES THEM AND STARTS TO APPROACH A LITTLE SHOCKED
MARTIN Would someone please tell me what's going on?
ROZ Daphne, Niles, Martin hello! Daphne get over here.
ROZ AND DAPHNE MOVE TO THE CENTRE OF NERVOSA
ROZ (CONT'D) You told Niles?
DAPHNE
I think he already knew. He must have read your body language. He is
an extremely talented psychiatrist you know.
ROZ Or Frasier might have told him what happened.
DAPHNE That would also make sense.
ROZ
More importantly what are you doing here? I don't need to be watched
like a monkey in the zoo.
DAPHNE
That's a good job. Have you seen what some of those monkey's get up to
at that zoo? If you did that here you'd get arrested.
ROZ
Daphne focus. Why are you guys here? This feels strange enough as it
is.
DAPHNE
Moral support? Oh all right we'll go. And speaking of Frasier, he's
here. Good luck with this.
ROZ Thanks.
AS DAPHNE SITS BACK DOWN WITH NILES AND MARTIN, ROZ SLOWLY APPROACHES FRASIER'S TABLE AND SITS DOWN. FROM THIS MOMENT ON THEY ARE BOTH EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE
ROZ (CONT'D) Hi. We seem to have attracted an audience.
FRASIER Yes we do. I think we should have charged admission.
A BEAT
ROZ This is a little strange.
FRASIER I know.
A BEAT
ROZ
But good strange. Like that dream where you're walking through the
mall naked.
FRASIER
I can't say I've ever had that dream. Strange for me would just be
walking through the mall at all.
ROZ I wonder what they're talking about over there.
FRASIER Us probably.
A BEAT
FRASIER (CONT'D) Very strange.
ROZ Strange indeed.
WE FOCUS BACK IN ON NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN WHO ARE WATCHING FRASIER AND ROZ LIKE HAWKS
NILES What are they saying?
DAPHNE
I can lip read. He's asking if that's a pander bear in the corner of
the room. (PAUSE) Okay I can't lip read.
MARTIN Will someone please tell me what's going on?
A BEAT
NILES
Oh all right. Frasier kissed Roz at the wedding. Or was it the other
way around?
MARTIN Oh I knew that.
DAPHNE How did you know that?
MARTIN
They've been acting really weird around each other while you were
away. I knew something was up.
DAPHNE Well now they think that there might be something there.
FRASIER GETS UP AND APPROACHES THE COUNTER
MARTIN Are you telling me this is a date?
FRASIER No it's not. Its just coffee. Stop starring at us.
AS NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN ALL LOOK BUT PRETEND NOT TO WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
(C)
TITLE CARD: "JUST THINK OF THE FILMS HE PAST ON"
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - DAY/3
(Martin, Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Roz)
MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WITH A PILE OF VIDEOS NEXT TO HIM AS NILES SITS ON THE COUCH SIPPING A SHERRY
MARTIN
Okay Niles so what do you want to watch tonight? The Longest Day,
America's Funniest Home Videos or there's a Seahawks game on.
NILES
Those are our only options? Isn't there some paint that we could watch
dry.
MARTIN You'd like football if you only gave it a chance.
NILES
I've been told the same about putting a fork in a toaster but I don't
think I really want to try that either.
MARTIN
Then let's watch America's Funniest Home Videos. You might be on it.
NILES Why would I be on it?
MARTIN (OBVIOUSLY LYING) Oh no reason.
NILES Dad what did you send them?
MARTIN
(CHANGING THE SUBJECT) Nothing but I did pick up another video from
the store.
NILES (HOPEFUL) Does it have subtitles?
MARTIN
Not everything has to have words to be enjoyable you know Niles. How
are you able to enjoy a book on tape?
NILES Surprisingly enough Dad I actually just read the book.
DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A GLASS OF WATER
DAPHNE So have you two finished squabbling yet?
MARTIN
I was just telling Niles I picked up another video from the store.
DAPHNE
Oh wonderful. You didn't get it from the dark section behind the
curtain again did you?
DAPHNE SITS DOWN NEXT TO NILES
MARTIN No. I took my glasses this time.
DAPHNE
Thank God. It wasn't the most fun thing I've ever had to do returning
that back to the store. I hope you've learnt your lesson now that
although it may sound the same Shaving Ryan's Privates is not the
Steven Spielberg war epic.
NILES Is that why the guy behind the desk keeps grinning at us?
DAPHNE
The security camera follows us a lot more closely as well now. So what
video did you get?
MARTIN Something that I thought would help Niles.
MARTIN PASSES A VIDEO TO NILES SO HE CAN READ THE COVER
NILES Child birth?
MARTIN
That'll show you Niles that you've got nothing to worry about.
DAPHNE
Oh yes because Niles is the one that's going to be pushing something
the size of a watermelon out of a hole the size of a grape.
FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM DRESSED SMARTLY FOR DINNER
FRASIER Oh hi guys I didn't hear you arrive.
MARTIN
You were singing that Italian crap in the shower. You'd struggle to
hear a nuclear explosion over that noise.
NILES You've certainly made a very big effort for this date Frasier.
FRASIER It's not a date, it's just dinner.
DAPHNE But you're wearing your never fail date cufflinks.
FRASIER
Yes which have never failed to not get me a second date. Proof
positive that this is not a date, it's just dinner with a friend.
MARTIN Still you do seem to have gone overboard with the cologne.
DAPHNE That's Eddie's flea spray.
FRASIER
But thanks Dad for being able to tell the difference. I wonder what's
keeping Roz.
NILES She's coming here? You're having your date pick you up?
FRASIER
How many more times people it's not a date it's dinner. There's a very
significant difference. Dinner however may lead to a date.
NILES
So what you're telling us is you're going to date her before you go
out on a date with her.
FRASIER
Exactly. And we're only going out to dinner because it was difficult
to talk yesterday with you three starring at us mesmerised.
MARTIN
If you don't mind me saying so son you don't seem overly enthusiastic
about this.
FRASIER Did you expect me to turn tricks and do a couple of cartwheels?
MARTIN
Yeah a man who puts his back out blowing out a cup cake can do
cartwheels! I just mean normally you'd have gone through your twelve
point inspection by now and be speaking French for no apparent reason.
FRASIER
But this is Roz, not someone I met filling my car up with gas. And
that inspection would normally be for a date. Not just for dinner.
MARTIN Okay.
SFX: DOORBELL
FRASIER Speak of the devil.
FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS IN A COCKTAIL DRESS. THEY ARE ONCE AGAIN A LITTLE AWKWARD AS NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN JUST STARE AT THEM
FRASIER (CONT'D) Hi.
ROZ Hi.
FRASIER You look fabulous.
ROZ So do you.
NILES Hi we're also here.
ROZ Oh I'm sorry, hi guys.
FRASIER So are you ready to go?
ROZ Yes. I'll just be a second.
AS FRASIER EXITS ROZ RUSHES TO THE COUCH AND SHOWS HER TEETH
ROZ (CONT'D) Anything on my teeth?
DAPHNE Nope, nothing.
ROZ Thanks.
MARTIN Have a fun date.
ROZ It's not a date it's just dinner.
AS ROZ EXITS MARTIN SWITCHES ON THE VCR
NILES I think they might be in a state of denial.
MARTIN
Gee do you think? Let's start this video so we can watch The Longest
Day before you go home.
NILES Oh joy!
MARTIN SWITCHES ON THE VIDEO AND SUDDENLY THE ROOM IS FILLED WITH THE SOUND OF A WOMAN SCREAMING
NILES (CONT'D) Oh my God what is that?!
DAPHNE Get that thing out of that poor woman!
MARTIN This is worse then Korea!
EVERYONE ATTEMPTS TO SHIELD THEIR EYES BUT CAN'T HELP BUT LOOK
DAPHNE You've had two children. Surely you've seen it before.
MARTIN
They wouldn't let us in then. We had to wait outside passing out
cigars.
NILES You delivered that baby in the taxi.
MARTIN I was trying not to look. This film should be banned.
DAPHNE
Okay that's it this baby is never coming out of me. Don't worry it'll
be fine. I'll be a seventy-year-old woman carrying around a thirty-
year-old baby.
NILES Don't worry. Everything will be fine.
MARTIN Unless that happens.
NILES
Oh my God! Turn it off! Turn it off! I'm feeling sick again and I
don't think it's the foreign food.
AS NILES RUSHES TO THE BATHROOM WE:
FADE OUT
(D)
FADE IN:
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT - DAY/3
(Frasier, Roz, Martin, Daphne, Niles, Attendant, Man)
FRASIER AND ROZ SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED RESTAURANT READING THEIR MENUS AND STILL LOOKING UNCOMFORTABLE. TO THE RIGHT HAND SIDE OF THE ROOM IS A DOOR THAT LEADS TO THE RESTROOMS.
FRASIER Well this is nice.
ROZ
Yes it is. I thought this might be a little weird. You know with it
being a...dinner and all.
FRASIER Well it's a date but it's not a date. It's dinner.
ROZ Exactly. Just dinner. Nothing to feel uncomfortable about.
FRASIER So what are you going to order?
ROZ I'm not sure. What's good here?
FRASIER The salmon is exquisite and his oysters are world renown.
ROZ Oysters? Really?
ROZ SUDDENLY DROPS HER MENU ON THE TABLE AND STANDS
ROZ (CONT'D) Excuse me a moment Frasier I have to use the bathroom.
FRASIER Okay.
ROZ EXITS INTO THE RESTROOM
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN ARE ALL WHERE WE LEFT THEM STILL WATCHING THE VIDEO
MARTIN
Oh my God! That's more then I needed to see. I'm going to have that
image scarred on my brain for the rest of my life.
DAPHNE You're the one that bought the bloody video!
MARTIN I thought it would help Niles.
NILES This is not easing my sickness. It's adding to it.
DAPHNE I hope you'll have a better reaction when I'm giving birth.
NILES
Of course I will. Right before I loose all feeling in my legs, hit the
linoleum floor and knock myself out.
SFX: CELL PHONE RINGING
DAPHNE That's my cell phone.
DAPHNE STANDS AND MOVES TO THE COAT PEG
NILES
Oh that poor, poor woman. I'm so, so sorry Daphne. Look at the damage
a man can do! I'll never touch you again. I promise.
MARTIN Didn't you see this kind of stuff in medical school?
NILES
Yes and then shortly after I saw my lunch disappear down the toilet.
DAPHNE TAKES HER CELL PHONE OUT OF HER COAT POCKET AND ANSWERS IT
DAPHNE Oh brother. (ON THE PHONE) Hello?
ROZ (OVER THE PHONE) Hello Daphne.
DAPHNE (ON THE PHONE) Roz?
ROZ (OVER THE PHONE) Yeah it's me.
DAPHNE (ON THE PHONE) Why aren't you eating dinner?
RESET TO:
INT. RESTAURANT BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
ROZ SITS ON THE EDGE OF THE SINK IN THE BATHROOM WITH AN ATTENDANT SITTING IN THE CORNER
ROZ
(ON THE PHONE) I've just gone to the bathroom and they don't serve
food in here.
DAPHNE
(OVER THE PHONE) Please tell me you're not calling from a stall. That
would be sharing a little too much information.
ROZ
(ON THE PHONE) No I'm not. The food may be five-star but the toilet
seats aren't. I need your advice. This date thing dinner, what ever it
is. It's weird.
DAPHNE
(OVER THE PHONE) That's because you're in the bathroom on your own
rather then at the table with your date.
ROZ
(ON THE PHONE) It's not a date it's dinner and anyway I'm not alone,
the bathroom attendant is here. By the way I was joking about the
toilets. They're very clean.
ATTENDANT Give me a dollar or go back to your table lady.
ROZ STARES AT THE ATTENDANT FOR A MOMENT
ROZ (ON THE PHONE) I'm not sure how I should act with Frasier.
DAPHNE (OVER THE PHONE) How do you mean?
ROZ
(ON THE PHONE) Well it's Frasier and he's talking about oysters. If
this were any other guy by now I would have spilt my water down my
dress and be asking the guy to help me dry it off.
DAPHNE (OVER THE PHONE) And that works?
ROZ
(ON THE PHONE) Are you kidding? I've had guys retrieve an ice cube
from down my blouse before now. But I can't do that now. It's Frasier.
Did this sort of thing happen when you started dating Niles?
DAPHNE (OVER THE PHONE) No I never put an ice cube now my blouse.
ROZ
(ON THE PHONE) That's not what I meant. I'm not sure what to talk
about.
DAPHNE (OVER THE PHONE) What do you mean?
ROZ (ON THE PHONE) We have nothing to talk about.
DAPHNE
(OVER THE PHONE) He's practically your best friend how can you not
have anything to talk about?
ROZ
(ON THE PHONE) But that's with Frasier my friend not with Frasier my
date. Okay let's move on to dinner. Normally on a first date I'm
careful about how and what I eat. I want to appear lady like. But I'm
here with Frasier. When I'm with him I'd eat a whole cow and belch up
a hoof in front of him and not even care.
RESET TO: INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
EVERYONE IS WHERE WE LEFT THEM
DAPHNE
(ON THE PHONE) Putting that charming image out of my mind for just a
second. Why don't you compromise? Eat the cow but belch it up when you
get home.
NILES Good God!
MARTIN Turn it off! Turn it off!
ROZ (OVER THE PHONE) What is going on there?
DAPHNE (ON THE PHONE) We're watching birthing videos.
RESET TO:
INT. RESTAURANT BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
EVERYONE IS WHERE WE LEFT THEM
ROZ
(ON THE PHONE) Not a good idea. After watching one of those I
contemplated stapling my legs together. (THEN) I'm not sure if this is
what I want anymore.
DAPHNE (OVER THE PHONE) Why?
ROZ
(ON THE PHONE) I think I was more interested by the idea of it. I
wanted to see if it works and I think coffee proved yesterday that it
doesn't.
DAPHNE (OVER THE PHONE) Then it's probably best to tell him.
ROZ
(ON THE PHONE) This won't be easy if he's not thinking the same thing.
I'd better get back to dinner. Bye.
ROZ HANGS UP HER PHONE AND EXITS
RESET TO:
INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER REMAINS AT THE TABLE AS ROZ ENTERS AND SITS BACK DOWN
ROZ (CONT'D)
I'm sorry about that. I think the bathroom attendants here were former
members of the Nazi party.
FRASIER I think they ask for that on the application form.
ROZ Now where were we?
FRASIER
Just about the order. Which we'll do in a just a second. Excuse me.
ROZ Okay.
FRASIER EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
WITH THE BIRTHING VIDEO NOW SWITCHED OFF DAPHNE IS SITTING BACK WITH NILES ON THE COUCH AS MARTIN REMAINS IN HIS CHAIR
SFX: PHONE RINGING
NILES PICKS UP THE RECEIVER FROM OFF THE TABLE
NILES (ON THE PHONE) Hello Frasier.
FRASIER (OVER THE PHONE) How did you know it was me?
NILES (ON THE PHONE) Let's just say I'm psychic.
FRASIER (OVER THE PHONE) So how's your evening?
NILES (ON THE PHONE) What's the problem?
RESET TO:
INT. RESTAURANT RESTROOM - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER SITS ON ONE OF THE TOILETS WITH THE DOOR OPEN AS HE TALKS ON HIS CELL PHONE. AS HE TALKS THERE IS A MAN STANDING UP AGAINST THE URINAL LOOKING INCREASINGLY FRUSTRATED.
FRASIER
(ON THE PHONE) This is weird. We don't seem to have anything to talk
about other then the Nazi party.
NILES (OVER THE PHONE) Ah ideal date conversation.
FRASIER (ON THE PHONE) Did you feel like this with Daphne?
NILES (OVER THE PHONE) No.
FRASIER (ON THE PHONE) Thanks.
NILES
(OVER THE PHONE) But that was different with us, we already knew how
we felt. You don't know.
FRASIER (ON THE PHONE) No I think I do.
NILES
(OVER THE PHONE) No you don't that's your problem. That's what's wrong
with both of you.
FRASIER (ON THE PHONE) Are you acting as my therapist now Niles?
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
EVERYONE IS AS BEFORE
NILES (ON THE PHONE) Well I could pass you over to Dad.
FRASIER (OVER THE PHONE) No you'll do fine, Dad has no credentials.
NILES STANDS AND MOVES OVER TO THE ISLAND
NILES (ON THE PHONE) Let me put you on speaking phone.
NILES PUTS THE PHONE ON SPEAKER PHONE
FRASIER No Niles don't do that.
NILES Okay.
A BEAT
FRASIER Are you lying to me?
EDDIE STARTS TO BARK
NILES No.
FRASIER Then why can I hear Eddie barking?
NILES
He's listening in your room. Eddie get off the phone! Honestly Frasier
you're not on speakerphone.
FRASIER Dad?
MARTIN Yes son? Oh shoot.
NILES
Look forget about the speaker phone and let's focus on the problem.
You both keep insisting that this isn't a date.
RESET TO:
INT. RESTAURANT RESTROOM - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER SITS AS BEFORE BUT NOW THE MAN IS STANDING IN FRONT OF HIM WAITING TO GET HIS ATTENTION
FRASIER
(ON THE PHONE) It's not. Excuse me a second Niles. (TO THE MAN) What
is it?
MAN Who are you talking to?
FRASIER
Not that it's any of your business but I'm on the phone to my brother.
Is that all?
MAN
It's just that I need to go but I can't with other voices in the room.
It disturbs my rhythm.
FRASIER
Fine I'll be quieter but for future reference no one needs that much
information.
THE MAN WALKS BACK TO THE URINAL
FRASIER (CONT'D)
(ON THE PHONE WHISPERING) Hello Niles I'm back.
NILES (OVER THE PHONE) I can hardly hear you.
FRASIER (ON THE PHONE) Someone else is trying to pee in here.
NILES
(OVER THE PHONE) And you're trying to listen? Never mind. Okay but
back to the matter at hand. It seems that a date is not what either of
you want. It seems to me that you've both conjured up these feelings
to try to convince yourselves that you really feel one way, when you
really don't.
FRASIER (ON THE PHONE) I don't understand.
MAN I can still hear you. I can't go until there is total silence.
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
AS BEFORE
NILES
I think there was more of a curiosity there about what might happen.
After all it happen at the wedding. Daphne and I were an example of
what could happen.
FRASIER You have a point there.
NILES
Roz was feeling lonely. To your own admission things weren't going
that well with Allison. You invented these feelings for Roz to justify
splitting up with Allison and Roz did the same so she wasn't alone
anymore. And even if your feelings are genuine the fear that you both
have is going to be holding you back.
RESET TO:
INT. RESTAURANT BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
AS BEFORE
FRASIER (ON THE PHONE) Fear?
NILES (OVER THE PHONE) Of ruining what you already have together.
FRASIER
(ON THE PHONE) Thank you Niles. I just needed someone else to say it
out loud. I'll speak to you tomorrow.
FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AND STANDS
FRASIER (CONT'D) I'm going. Are you happy now!
MAN I can't go when people yell at me! I may never go again!
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
AS BEFORE EXCEPT DAPHNE IS NOW STANDING TALKING INTO HER CELL PHONE
DAPHNE
(ON THE PHONE) Did you hear all of that, or do you want Niles to
council you now?
RESET TO:
INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS
ROZ IS STILL SITTING AT THE TABLE TALKING ON HER CELL PHONE
ROZ
(ON THE PHONE) No I heard. Tell him thank you.
ROZ HANGS UP HER PHONE AS FRASIER RETURNS FROM THE BATHROOM AND SITS BACK DOWN
ROZ (CONT'D)
I was beginning to think you'd got sucked out the plughole.
FRASIER I was counselling a man unable to pee to front of strangers.
ROZ How did you manage that?
FRASIER I didn't but I learnt yelling makes it worse.
ROZ Was he good looking?
FRASIER
I'm not about to start to pick up men with bladder problems from the
bathroom of Chez Henry Roz.
ROZ I meant for me.
FRASIER Roz I...
ROZ I don't think this is going to work out between us.
FRASIER Me either.
ROZ Really? You're not just saying that?
FRASIER
No I'm not. I love you Roz but as my friend. My best friend.
Personally I think that there's possibly something there between us
but out of fear of loosing what we already have I think we should
leave it as it is. And if nature should chart this course for us in
the future then so be it.
ROZ
I couldn't agree more. I just hope that this hasn't already affected
our relationship. I would hate to loose what we have.
FRASIER We'll never loose that Roz.
ROZ Well I should go and relieve my babysitter.
FRASIER
Well just because this evening isn't going to go anywhere doesn't mean
that two old friends can't enjoy their dinner.
ROZ I guess your right. Cheers.
FRASIER Cheers.
ROZ
And besides if we stay here you can introduce me to that waiter.
AS THEY LAUGH AND START TO RELAX WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO
CLOSING CREDITS: NILES IS IN HIS KITCHEN WHICH IS NOW EMPTY OF BALLOONS. HE OPENS THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR AND LOOKS INSIDE. AFTER PULLING OUT AT LEAST A DOZEN BALLOONS FROM INSIDE HE PULLS OUT A RAW CHICKEN. HE PLACES IT ON A TRAY BEFORE OPENING UP THE OVEN DOOR ONLY TO FIND YET MORE BALLOONS STUFFED INSIDE.