I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount
Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
I have to say I rather like this one. In my opinion this is as close to a real FRASIER episode as I'm ever going to get. For those of you who have been keeping up to date with spoilers for season eleven you will notice a tiny overlap. This episode was however written at the start of the summer before certain storylines had arisen shall we say.
Enjoy...
Frasier
Alternative Season Ten Episode Three
A Fright At The Opera
By
Kelly-Simba
ACT ONE
(A)
TITLE CARD: "THE SOUND OF MUSIC?"
FADE IN:
INT. OPERA HOUSE LOBBY - NIGHT - DAY/1
(Niles, Frasier, Daphne, Margery)
AT THE INTERMISSION OF AN OPERA THE AUDIENCE COMES OUT INTO THE LOBBY TO GET A DRINK. AS THE PEOPLE MILL AROUND FRASIER AND NILES ENTER BOTH WEARING TUXEDOS RUBBING THEIR EARS WITH AN EXTREME AMOUNT OF DISCOMFORT, ALONG WITH DAPHNE WHO IS WEARING A BALL GOWN. THROUGHOUT THE FOLLOWING DAPHNE DOESN'T APPEAR TO BE LISTENING TO ANYTHING THAT FRASIER AND NILES SAY BUT LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM AT THE SEA OF FACES INSTEAD
NILES
You know I think that woman's singing is actually making me go deaf.
I've never heard such a piercing screeching voice in all my life. Well
with the exception of Maris when she used to catch sight of her weight
gain in the mirror after Christmas dinner.
FRASIER
Ah yes I remember how that one slice of turkey used to make her bloat
like she was having an allergic reaction to shellfish. I still find it
hard to believe that they've actually paid that woman, who let it be
known has all the singing ability of a dead sparrow, to perform on
stage. Let alone in a production of such grandeur as this one.
FRASIER PUTS HIS HANDS OVER HIS EARS
FRASIER (CONT'D)
I can just hear this constant ringing in my ears.
FRASIER PULLS HIS HANDS AWAY FROM HIS EARS
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Oh good Lord, I think they're bleeding.
NILES
It's by far the worst portrayal of Gilda I have ever heard and I saw
Bette Milder's venture into opera. It was like looking at a car wreak,
only louder and in a dress that even a hooker would draw the line at.
Don't you agree Daphne? (PAUSE) Sweetheart? (PAUSE) Daphne? (SHOUTS)
Daphne!
DAPHNE, SUDDENLY HEARING HIM, PULLS SOME COTTON FROM HER EARS AND FINALLY TURNS TO FACE BOTH OF THEM
DAPHNE I'm sorry what?
NILES
(SHOCKED) I don't believe this!
NILES TAKES THE COTTON FROM DAPHNE
NILES (CONT'D)
You know Frasier makes fun of your psychic ability but I'm beginning
to believe it more and more everyday. But if you had a premonition
about how bad Gilda was going to be why didn't you warn us?
DAPHNE
I didn't have a premonition. I always wear cotton wool in my ears to
these things. It's the only way I can stand to come without some sort
of alcohol or sedative.
FRASIER You've been doing it all this time?
NILES I have to say Daphne I'm hurt!
DAPHNE
Oh don't play innocent game with me either of you. (TO NILES) Don't
think that I haven't noticed that every time I want to go to a concert
you suddenly come down with an ear infection and an eye complication
that means you have to keep them shut even though you're "still
enjoying the music."
NILES
So? What? I happen find Billy Joel even more enjoyable when I can't
hear or actually even see him perform. Is that such a crime?
FRASIER Niles I don't believe it.
DAPHNE
And you can be quiet as well, I've seen you do the same thing at the
basketball with your father. The way you shout and keep your eyes shut
tight it's like we've taken the village idiot out for the day.
FRASIER
In my defence I've never exaggerated that eye condition thing. It can
be very dry inside that stadium. It's no wonder that the Sonics never
seem to be able to do what ever it is that they would normally do in a
basketball game. I bet the player's eyes are so dry after the first
five minutes they can hardly see.
SUDDENLY NILES SEES SOMEONE IN THE CROWD AND HIDES BEHIND DAPHNE, JUST PEEPING HIS HEAD OVER HER SHOULDER
NILES Uh-oh.
DAPHNE What are you doing?
NILES Maris sighting.
FRASIER Either that or he's playing peek-a-boo with Cordell Watkins.
NILES
Don't joke Frasier. The man doesn't have full control over his mind
these days. Or any control for that matter. Rumour has it, his butler
found him sitting on top of the East Wing trying to build a nest last
week.
FRASIER Well that would explain why his leg is in plaster.
NILES
And why he is now being sued for sexual harassment. If he didn't have
a few marbles rolling around upstairs I'm sure he wouldn't have said
to his upstairs maid "Hey good looking it's not really my leg in
here." Is there any wonder she's issued a restraining order and is
claiming compensation for emotional distress?
DAPHNE
And these people are supposed to be the cream of the Seattle society
you say?
FRASIER They are. But just a little past their sell-by date.
DAPHNE She's gone now you can come back out.
NILES SLOWLY COMES OUT FROM BEHIND DAPHNE
NILES
You think that but she's never really gone. She's like an impeccably
dressed version of athlete's foot. Just when you've forgotten about
her she pops up to cause you more discomfort then that of a pig on a
spit roast. Why can't I go anywhere without running into one of my ex-
wives?
NILES COMES OUT FROM BEHIND DAPHNE AND STANDS NEXT HER WITH HIS ARM AROUND HER WAIST READY TO HIDE AGAIN
DAPHNE Because you have a couple of them that's why Casanova.
NILES So does Frasier.
FRASIER
But at least mine don't even live on the same side of the country as I
do let alone state or city. What makes you think that she'd even want
to speak to you?
NILES
The disgruntled note I received at my office wanting to know why she
wasn't invited to the wedding.
DAPHNE
She didn't really want to come did she? That would have been weird.
It's taken twenty years of therapy and a strong electrical current to
cure me Auntie Margaret of seeing walking, talking hat stands. One
glimpse of Maris and that would have set her back completely. (THEN)
Although actually she could have come in handy, depending on where we
sat her she could have stopped the ice sculptures from melting.
NILES
Oh she was quite serious. And also quite agitated when I sent her a
reply saying I invited her to my first wedding, what more did she
want?
FRASIER How do you know she was agitated?
NILES
Marta is still her hatchet maid and by the size of her has been
working out like she's training for the Olympics since I last saw her.
She didn't say anything to me. Just booked an appointment under an
alias with Mrs. Woodson, came into my office and kicked me in an area
I'd care not mention.
DAPHNE I'm surprised she didn't do it herself.
NILES
I'm sure she would have done had she ever been able to move her leg
forward past a ten-degree angle. As a result she's never been able to
walk properly it's more of a shuffle.
DAPHNE Why don't you just go and speak to her?
NILES STARTS TO CLING TO DAPHNE EVEN MORE THEN BEFORE
NILES No that's okay Daphne, I can sense you're jealous.
DAPHNE I'm really not. Now stop being a big baby and go over there.
NILES (PLEADING) Come with me?
DAPHNE On your bike, I'm not speaking to her.
NILES RATHER RELUCTANTLY WALKS OFF INTO THE CROWD AS MARGERY, A WOMAN DRIPPING WITH BOTH MONEY AND ATTITUDE, MOVES TOWARDS FRASIER AND DAPHNE
FRASIER
Oh here comes Margery Von Hassleberger. Have you ever met her? She's
the biggest phoney I think I have ever...well hello there Margery you
dear sweet woman.
FRASIER KISSES MARGERY'S CHEEK
MARGERY Hello Frasier.
FRASIER Have you met my sister-in-law Daphne Crane?
DAPHNE AND MARGERY SHAKE HANDS
MARGERY
Ah yes I had heard that Niles had remarried. It's a pleasure. Although
I must say you do look awfully familiar dear.
FRASIER
Perhaps you've met at one of my opera get-togethers? Daphne used to be
my housekeeper and my father's physical therapist.
MARGERY
Oh yes of course. How nice that you've been able to become so close.
Crossing the servant boundaries and all that. Where is dear Niles
anyway?
DAPHNE LOOKS OVER INTO THE CROWD
DAPHNE In the lion's den about to loose an arm.
FRASIER So Margery how goes everything on the opera board?
MARGERY
Simply dreadful darling. You've heard the little story about Cordell
Watkins and a certain member of his staff I take it?
FRASIER The upstairs maid?
MARGERY
Good heavens no, that's last weeks news. It turns out Cordell has been
carrying on behind his wife's back with the stable boy.
FRASIER You're kidding?
DAPHNE
If you ask me you high society types should start to spend more money
getting your hormones in check then on sheep gland facial masks and
other such nonsense.
MARGERY
I couldn't agree more dear. But this whole scandal is much worse then
a simple master / servant affair.
DAPHNE (BEGINNING TO GET ANGRY) Is that so? Well...
FRASIER PUTS HIS ARM AROUND DAPHNE
FRASIER (WHISPERS) Count to ten and look at your wedding ring.
DAPHNE Thank you.
MARGERY
The stable boy is Senator Adler's son. We can't have that kind of
scandal three times in the space of two years. That boy certainly gets
around. So to cut a long story short his seat on the board is now
vacated and we're currently in the process of looking for a
replacement.
FRASIER
Really? Well a seat on the board has always been on the forefront of
my agenda.
MARGERY
I know dear that's why I mentioned it. Let the campaigning begin. So
what do you think of this evening's performance?
FRASIER
Generally outstanding except for that poor woman playing Gilda. Dear
God! You'd have to strap her to a NASA rocket before she'd get
anywhere near reaching one of those high notes. Kidding aside who on
earth can she be related to, to have won this role when I doubt she'd
be able to sing a simple verse of Happy Birthday in tune?
MARGERY Me. She's my daughter.
FRASIER
(A LITTLE STUNNED AND TRIPPING OVER HIS WORDS) Ah yes well, high notes
are not that important especially in opera. When I said...
MARGERY Goodnight Frasier.
MARGERY WALKS AWAY AS FRASIER LOOKS ON ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIED
DAPHNE
Oh yes she's clearly phonier then you are. You've done nothing but
complain about the woman's singing all night but I bet if she came out
here right now you'd try to give her an enema.
FRASIER I thought you couldn't hear anything through that cotton.
DAPHNE
Evidently no scientist has been able to invent a material to block out
the sound of yours and Niles' incessant whining. You're like a couple
of cats with your privates caught in an antique mangle.
NILES COMES RUNNING BACK OVER TO FRASIER AND DAPHNE
NILES I didn't think I'd come back alive.
FRASIER How did it go?
NILES
She wouldn't speak to me. But there was an even bigger bonus then
that. I overheard Elliot Klein talking about the opera board. Cordell
Watkins has been kicked off. There's a seat up for grabs.
FRASIER FRANTICALLY PULLS A QUARTER FROM HIS POCKET
FRASIER I'll flip you for it.
NILES But I heard it first.
FRASIER Margery Van Hassleberger told me.
NILES But it's my dream.
FRASIER It's my destiny.
NILES Then fine let the best man win.
DAPHNE
Can I stop you two rutting dears before this turns into another
incident like that club place you were so obsessed about getting into
years ago. Neither of you got in and you both ended up looking like
fools. Now as much as I enjoy watching that, I really must put a stop
to it before it starts.
NILES Okay a compromise. A contest.
DAPHNE Here we go this is like being at home with me brothers.
FRASIER
The challenge is accepted. I'll choose the category. The topic is the
Seattle Symphony 2002-2003.
DAPHNE
Or not. My brothers used to see who could eat the hottest curry. Of
course Michael always used to win, probably because he lost all his
taste buds after he lost the annual cat shaving contest and had to
drink a shot of drain cleaner. His vision has never been one hundred
percent since either.
FRASIER AND NILES BOTH STARE AT DAPHNE FOR A MOMENT
FRASIER (TO NILES) Where do you begin?
NILES
Don't go there. I'll go first. Honorary Composer in Residence?
FRASIER David Diamond. E-Flat Clarinet?
NILES Laura DeLuca. Timpani?
FRASIER Michael Crusoe. Principal Bassoon?
NILES Mike Gamburg.
FRASIER
(OVERJOYED) Nope wrong. Wrong! Seth Krimsky is the Principal Bassoon,
Mike Gamburg is the Contrabassoon.
NILES Damn!
FRASIER (SHOUTS) I win! That seat is mine!
AS NILES STARTS TO LOOK INCREASINGLY DEPRESSED DAPHNE PUTS HER ARM THROUGH HIS
DAPHNE
Don't worry about it sweetheart. After what he's just said to that
Margery woman he stands as much chance of getting on that board as
Eddie does.
AS DAPHNE CONTINUES TO COMFORT NILES WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
FADE IN:
INT. NILES AND DAPHNE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY - DAY/2 (Martin, Frasier, Niles, Daphne)
THE LIVING ROOM IS FULL OF SUITCASES AND BOXES COVERED WITH DIFFERENT LABELS THAT HAVE COME FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM AT THE ELLIOT BAY TOWERS. FRASIER STANDS LOOKING AROUND THE ROOM AS MARTIN ENTERS CARRYING A SMALL BOX.
MARTIN Where shall I put this box?
FRASIER
Let's try some of that detective work you were supposed to be doing
for all those years shall we?
FRASIER READS THE LABEL
FRASIER (CONT'D)
It says 'Shoes' so I'm going to guess she wants it put in the
bathroom.
MARTIN GLARES AT FRASIER
MARTIN I'm leaving it here.
MARTIN PUTS THE BOX DOWN BY THE FIREPLACE BEFORE HE JOINS FRASIER IN LOOKING AT HOW MUCH STUFF THEY'VE MOVED THERE
FRASIER
Who knew Daphne had this much stuff in that small room? Still I might
have known had the fear of having to buy her yet another new car kept
me well beyond twenty feet from her door.
MARTIN It's going to be strange having her gone.
FRASIER
But look at it this way Dad, the place goes back to being our swinging
bachelor pad.
MARTIN
Swinging? Is that were you hang yourself from your lack of a love
life? (THEN) I haven't really wanted to think about her leaving.
FRASIER CROSSES TO MARTIN AND PUTS AN ARM AROUND HIS SHOULDER
FRASIER
I know Dad. But she's your daughter-in-law now and it won't be that
much of an adjustment. After all she's been technically gone for a
long time now. After we found out about the baby I don't think
Daphne's spent a night at home.
NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR CARRYING A BOX UNNOTICED BY FRASIER AND MARTIN
MARTIN
I know but now all of her stuffs gone as well. (PAUSE) I've enjoyed
having her there. She means so much to me and I'm just going to miss
her that's all.
FRASIER I know Dad. Me too.
NILES Thanks for hiring her.
FRASIER AND MARTIN TURN AROUND TO SEE NILES
FRASIER No thank you for keeping her around.
AS THE GUYS SHARE A SILENT MOMENT DAPHNE ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR CARRYING A BOX BUT IS UNABLE TO GET PAST NILES WHO IS STANDING IN THE DOORWAY
DAPHNE
Come on you shift your arse. We're never going to get all of this lot
put away if you don't pull your finger out.
NILES MOVES TOWARDS FRASIER AS DAPHNE WALKS IN AND PLACES THE BOX ON THE EDGE OF THE FAINTING COUCH
FRASIER (TO NILES) Pull my finger out of where?
NILES I have no idea. Just nod it's easier.
MARTIN TAKES THE BOX OFF DAPHNE
MARTIN
Come here Daphne you shouldn't be carrying a heavy thing like that in
your condition.
DAPHNE
Thank you Martin. I'm looking forward to the day when I'm told I
shouldn't cook and clean in my condition and should spend all day
watching the TV and eating ice cream.
FRASIER In other words exchanging your life for Dads?
MARTIN
Daph you shouldn't be carrying anything like this. Here you go
Frasier, take this upstairs. What? I'm an old man with a cane? Do you
want me to trip and break my leg?
MARTIN GIVES THE BOX TO FRASIER
FRASIER Oh don't tempt me.
DAPHNE Come on I'll show you where to put it.
FRASIER AND DAPHNE EXIT UPSTAIRS. NILES STARTS TO LOOK AT THE LABELS ON ALL THE BOXES UNTIL HE SPOTS ONE AND FREEZES WITH HIS BACK TOWARDS THE STAIRCASE
NILES Uh-oh.
MARTIN Uh-oh what?
NILES Does that say what I think it does?
MARTIN LOOKS AT THE BOX
MARTIN (READING) Unicorns.
NILES Do you have a match?
MARTIN No.
DAPHNE ENTERS AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRCASE UNKNOWN TO NILES
NILES A lighter?
MARTIN No.
NILES Any sort of way to make these combust?
DAPHNE That better not be my box of unicorns you're talking about.
DAPHNE WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS AND NILES KISSES HER CHEEK AS FRASIER ENTERS AND WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS
NILES
Of course not sweetheart. I was just wondering where we should put
them. I often feel that the bathroom is a good place to showcase my
most precious possessions.
DAPHNE
Good then you won't mind moving some of this stuff in there so I can
have my unicorns out in the living room then will you?
FRASIER (TO NILES) You walked right into that one.
NILES
So have you decided what you're going to do in order to woo the opera
board? Other then destroying the life long dreams of others?
DAPHNE
The first suggestion should be not badmouthing the daughters of the
other board members.
FRASIER
Can you blame me? That woman moved around that stage like a whale.
Only nowhere nearly as graceful. I'll admit that there is some major
sucking up to be done.
NILES
Some? The only way you are going to stand a chance Frasier is if you
burst both your lungs. Of course if I had the chance to get on the
board I would never have done that.
FRASIER I was actually thinking about hosting a dinner party on Friday.
MARTIN Do you think that's such a good idea?
FRASIER Why not?
MARTIN You don't exactly have the best track record.
FRASIER And what does that mean?
MARTIN
That the French have had more success defending Paris from invaders
then you've had hosting dinner parties.
DAPHNE He does raise a valid point.
NILES
If I were running for the board however I wouldn't have such problems
with my dinner party.
DAPHNE
Have you erased the memory from your mind? Or are you interpreting
having a bird stuck on your head and the dead body in the living room
as good things?
NILES Well aren't we Mrs. The Glass Is Half Empty today?
FRASIER Can I count on you to attend Niles?
NILES I'm not sure. I may have plans.
FRASIER
And what if I were to say I've heard rumours that John Ellis is going
to be retiring from the board soon and this would be an ideal occasion
to lay the groundwork to be his placement?
NILES (CHEERY) I'll be there at seven. Shall I bring anything?
FRASIER
Just some witty dinner conversation. And on that subject. Dad I was
wondering if you'd...
MARTIN What? Clear out?
FRASIER If you don't mind.
MARTIN What's it worth?
FRASIER I'll get you tickets to a Sonics game.
MARTIN Five games.
FRASIER Two.
MARTIN Three.
FRASIER Deal.
FRASIER AND MARTIN SHAKE HANDS
MARTIN Great, but I'm going out on Friday anyway. I've got a date.
FRASIER What?! Then that deal is null and void.
MARTIN Too late we shook on it.
NILES (TO FRASIER) And you walked right into that one.
AS THEY BEGIN TO TAKE SOME MORE OF THE BOXES UPSTAIRS WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
TITLE CARD: "NOBODY NOSE THE TROUBLE I'VE SEEN"
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA - DAY - DAY/3
(Roz, Frasier, Martin, Date)
FRASIER SITS IN THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA WITH HIS BACK TO THE DOOR AND WITH SEVERAL PIECES OF PAPER SPREAD ACROSS THE TABLE AS ROZ ENTERS LOOKING QUITE STRESSED
ROZ Hi Frasier.
FRASIER Hi Roz. You look a little stressed. What's wrong?
ROZ SITS DOWN AND PUTS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS
ROZ Alice, that's what's wrong.
FRASIER
What's happened this time? I haven't seen you like this since she
glued herself to the dog.
ROZ
Can you believe that glue still hasn't come off her hands? Thank God
it's no longer sticky. If I could pull the left over fur out of it, it
wouldn't be so bad. I'm giving it one more week and then I'm shaving
it off. She looks like a werewolf girl.
FRASIER And you were worried she'd inherit Rick's nose.
ROZ
That's sort of the problem. She keeps putting things up her nose.
FRASIER What like?
ROZ Convertibles. Chickens. Now what would you think?
FRASIER Well if she did have Rick's nose...
ROZ
I know it'd be big enough to get your head and your ego stuck up it.
I'm talking about coins, marbles, anything that's small enough. I
can't leave her alone for a second without coming back and finding her
nostrils flared like she's about to breathe fire.
FRASIER Oh dear.
ROZ
There has got to be a way to Alice proof her nostrils, I'm sick of
having to go to the hospital. They have a chair in the waiting room
with my name on it.
FRASIER Why do you have to go to the hospital?
ROZ
It's the only way to get it out. They have this big metal clamp to
yank whatever it is out. But she's terrified of it. I've tried to
reassure her but apparently telling her that she should be lucky
that's all they use on her, at my doctor they have stirrups, was the
wrong thing to say. Now she's obsessed with going to see my doctor
because she thinks I ride a pony there. I'm beginning to think that
she only does it now because she thinks I'll give in and take her to
my pony doctor.
FRASIER
I see. Still all those single doctors, surely it's coming in handy
going up the hospital all the time.
ROZ
I think it's a sign of age when after five trips there in one day I
get a little tired of flirting with doctors. Repeat that to anyone,
especially Niles and I'll kill you.
FRASIER Didn't you go out with a doctor not so long ago?
ROZ
Yeah he was an anaesthesiologist but it didn't really go anywhere.
FRASIER Why not?
ROZ
When we went out I never really felt anything. What's this?
ROZ STARTS TO READ THE PAPERS ON THE TABLE
ROZ (CONT'D)
Uh-oh. A seating chart? Menu's? Wine lists? You're going to host a
dinner party aren't you?
FRASIER Nothing gets by you does it Roz?
ROZ Is the National Guard on standby to clear up afterwards?
FRASIER What does that mean?
ROZ
Putting you in charge of a party is like putting a fertility God in a
brothel. It's just asking for trouble.
FRASIER
Putting that flattering comparison aside for just one moment I may
have had a few problems in the past but I've put all that behind me.
ROZ I thought you'd run out of room back there.
FRASIER
That's very amusing. But I mean it. Getting onto that opera board is a
dream that has been eluding me for years but not for much longer. Come
Friday I will be a part of that board.
ROZ I'm bored right now.
FRASIER
So it's okay for me to listen to you babble on about your Alice
problem but I'm to keep quiet about my impending position on the opera
board?
MARTIN AND A FAIRLY YOUNG LOOKING WOMAN ENTER AND SIT BY THE WINDOW, WITH MARTIN FACING THE WINDOW. ROZ SPOTS THEM ALMOST IMMEDIATELY. WHEN THEY SIT DOWN MARTIN BLOCKS THE VIEW OF HIS COMPANIONS FACE FROM FRASIER AND ROZ
ROZ
And you didn't need any fancy degrees to work that out. Is that your
Dad?
FRASIER TURNS AROUND TO LOOK BUT IS UNABLE TO SEE THE WOMAN'S FACE
FRASIER
Yes it is. And this must be the illusive woman he's been seeing on the
sly. I've been beginning to wonder if she even existed since he's
refused to let me meet her.
ROZ
This one must be serious then. If you don't want to scare your date
off, rule number one is never introduce them to your family. Which is
probably why Daphne has put an ocean and an entire country between
herself and her family.
FRASIER
Are you implying that I'd scare her off? He can't be thinking that.
THE WOMAN STANDS AND ROZ GETS TO SEE FOR THE FIRST TIME THAT THEY ARE ROUGHLY THE SAME AGE
ROZ
Actually I don't think he's scared you'll scare her off. He may be
scared that you'll steal her.
AS FRASIER LOOKS AT HER A LITTLE SHOCKED WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
(D)
FADE IN:
INT. NILES AND DAPHNE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY - DAY/4
(Daphne, Roz, Alice, Niles)
DAPHNE AND ROZ STAND BEHIND THE FAINTING COUCH LOOKING THROUGH SOME BOXES THAT STILL LITTER THE ROOM. ALICE SITS IN FRONT OF THE FAINTING COUCH PLAYING WITH A DOLL SET. THE FRONT DOOR IS PROPPED OPEN WITH ANOTHER BOX
DAPHNE Thanks for this Roz.
ROZ
That's okay. I just can't believe that you haven't already got this
done by now. You've been back two weeks now.
DAPHNE
I know it's taken a lot longer then I thought. Frasier would have been
around to help again today but it's his party tonight for the opera
board and he was waiting for the swans dressed as the characters from
Madama Butterfly to arrive.
ROZ Swans?
DAPHNE
Don't ask. Everything would have been done by now but you know I can't
lift for obvious reasons and Niles can't lift because of...well...
ROZ Obvious reasons?
DAPHNE
Exactly. And actually on the topic of Niles while he's bringing that
last box up.
DAPHNE MOVES OVER TO A DRAWER BY THE FIREPLACE AND PULLS OUT A UNICORN ORNAMENT. SHE THEN PLACES IT ON TOP OF THE FIREPLACE IN PLACE OF AN WOODEN SCULPTURE AND PUTS THAT IN THE DRAWER INSTEAD
ROZ What are you doing?
DAPHNE
We're currently in the middle of a battle. The unicorns versus the
ugly African wooden crap.
ROZ Do you want my honest opinion on this?
DAPHNE Of course.
ROZ Burn them both.
DAPHNE If you don't mind I think I'll call that plan B.
ROZ SUDDENLY SEES ALICE'S HAND MOVE TOWARDS HER NOSE
ROZ Alice what are you doing?
ALICE Nothing.
ROZ Look at me.
ALICE TURNS TO LOOK AT ROZ AND SHOWS HER THAT SHE HAS NOTHING IN HER NOSTRIL
ROZ (CONT'D) Okay.
DAPHNE What's the matter?
ROZ She keeps putting things up her nose.
ALICE I want to go to Mommy's doctor. He has a pony.
DAPHNE A pony?
ROZ Gynaecologist.
DAPHNE
Trust me Alice you don't want to go there until it's absolutely
necessary. I've been beginning to wonder do you think they specify on
the job application forms that the doctors have got to have poor
circulation and therefore freezing cold hands before they can practice
as a gynaecologist?
ROZ
Tell me about it. If I ever wanted my eggs frozen all I'd have to do
is let my guy touch me.
NILES ENTERS CARRYING ONE LAST BOX FROM THE CAR AND SHUTS THE FRONT DOOR WITH HIS FOOT
NILES What are you two talking about?
ROZ Gynaecologists.
NILES Suddenly I'm relieved I missed that conversation.
NILES PLACES THE BOX ON THE DINNING TABLE
ROZ
I doubt you'd have been able to add much even though you can be a big
girl sometimes.
NILES It's always a pleasure having you around Roz.
ALICE THEN GOES TO PUT A BARBIE SHOE UP HER NOSE BUT NILES IMMEDIATELY SEES HER AND TAKES IT OFF HER
NILES (CONT'D) No Alice honey.
ROZ
Oh my God. Thank you Niles. A second later and that would have been
another trip to the hospital.
DAPHNE
You know Frasier's got a new pair of tongs that would probably solve
your problem.
ROZ Really?
DAPHNE
Yeah. If it happens again you'll be able to have that out in a jiffy.
Right but now onto the matter at hand. Where can this go?
DAPHNE PULLS OUT THE YELLOW CLOCK, THAT FRASIER FOUND IN THE DAPHNE'S ROOM EPISODE, FROM A BOX. NILES LOOKS AT IT A LITTLE HORRIFIED
NILES Back in it's box?
DAPHNE Grammy Moon gave me this.
NILES Its inscribed 'To Linda'.
DAPHNE
She wasn't quite all there towards the end. She used to call Simon,
Patsy, water the living room carpet and talk to a pot plant.
NILES
Well it obviously has so many memories for you how can we not put it
on display in the living room?
ROZ
Why is this taking so long? You have plenty of room in this house. You
could have had someone secretly squatting in here for the last four
years and you wouldn't have noticed them.
NILES Well I guess that would explain why my plants keep moving.
ROZ Can't you just have a unicorn room?
NILES We've solved the unicorn problem.
DAPHNE I've put most of them in the bedroom.
NILES And I've been suffering from insomnia ever since.
DAPHNE You've slept in the same room as them before.
NILES
Yes but that was before I realised that they were actually possessed.
DAPHNE
The important thing is that we've reached a compromise about them.
This could have ended in a full-scale war but we haven't let it come
to that.
ROZ Yeah but the joys of a fight is the make-up sex afterwards.
NILES AND DAPHNE SUDDENLY START TO STARE AT EACH OTHER
NILES And now we've missed out on that.
DAPHNE You're right. I never thought of that.
A BEAT
ROZ SUDDENLY BECOMES AWARE THAT SHE'S ABOUT TO BE A THIRD WHEEL
NILES (CALM) I don't want those unicorns in the bedroom.
DAPHNE Well I do.
NILES HUGS HER
NILES I'm so sorry sweetheart I was out of line.
DAPHNE Me too.
NILES Bye Roz. Bye Alice.
ROZ TAKES THE HINT, SCOOPS UP ALICE AND HEADS FOR THE FRONT DOOR
ROZ Oh jeez.
AS ROZ AND ALICE EXIT, NILES AND DAPHNE KISS AND WE:
FADE OUT
(E)
TITLE CARD: "STIFF COMPETITION"
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - DAY/4
(Frasier, Daphne, Niles, Kenneth, Martin, Roz, Alice, John, Margery, June, Eddie, Party Guests)
THE ROOM HAS BEEN SET UP FOR A SOPHISTICATED EVENING. THERE ARE CANDLES AND FLOWERS EVERYWHERE ALONG WITH A BAR IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION. THE ROOM IS NEARLY FULL OF PARTY GUESTS ALL DRESSED IN THEIR FINEST. NILES AND DAPHNE STAND BY THE BAR AS FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND ALLOWS A COUPLE, KENNETH AND JUNE TO ENTER. MARGERY IS ALREADY AT THE PARTY TALKING TO ANOTHER GUEST AS EDDIE LIES ASLEEP ON MARTIN'S COVERED OVER CHAIR. ANOTHER GUEST, JOHN, AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH.
FRASIER Kenneth and June welcome.
DAPHNE
How long do we have to stay here? One of the swans attacked me in the
kitchen and I had no idea how tiring it was making small talk with
small-minded people.
NILES
I promised Frasier we'd help woo this crowd. And after that one
particular swan, that seems to have some sort of serious anger
management problem, nearly had Margery Von Hassleberger's eye out he
can use all the help he can get.
FRASIER WALKS OVER TO NILES AND DAPHNE
FRASIER
(WITHOUT PAUSING FOR BREATHE OR AN ANSWER) Hi guys. Having fun? That's
great. Daphne I need you. Would you come and have a quick talk with
John Ellis again.
DAPHNE
Is he the chap with the wondering eye and the even more wondering
hands?
FRASIER
That's him. And don't worry he's like it with everyone which is
probably why he's been sued more times then the National Enquirer.
NILES
He's got quite a pinch on him for a senior citizen. I always thought
he was arthritic. I'm not sure I'll be able to sit long enough to
drive home.
AS NILES PULLS A PAINED EXPRESSION DAPHNE RUBS HIS BEHIND
DAPHNE
Why do I have to talk to him? Can't you fob someone else off onto him?
Someone who doesn't bruise as easily?
FRASIER He likes the English accent.
DAPHNE And? What do you want me to say to him?
FRASIER
Who cares? You can say whatever you like to him. As long as it's in an
English accent he'll think its Shakespeare.
DAPHNE
Fine I'll talk to the miserable old git but if he cups any part of my
anatomy I'm going to punch his lights out.
FRASIER Okay say anything but that.
DAPHNE MOVES OVER TO TALK TO JOHN A LITTLE RELUCTANTLY
NILES Is there anything I can do?
FRASIER
I think one of the swans may have had a little bowel trouble in the
kitchen.
NILES That's great but what does it have to do with me?
FRASIER I need it cleaned up.
NILES
I said I'll come here and woo your guests not be a nanny to an
incontinent swan.
FRASIER Fine but just don't let anyone in the kitchen.
BEFORE NILES CAN MOVE KENNETH APPROACHES THEM
KENNETH You've certainly done all you can to impress the board Crane.
FRASIER Well I like to do what I can.
KENNETH
If it was up to me, you'd be in but Margery has the deciding vote. And
since you so rightly said that her daughter sounded like a cat in
heat...
MARGERY APPROACHES AND LISTENS TO THE CONVERSATION UNBEKNOWNST TO FRASIER
FRASIER
If I may correct you Kenneth, I said nothing of the sort. Her daughter
has a lovely voice. I merely said that she'd have to be strapped to a
rocket to reach any sort of high note. (SEEING MARGERY) Margery! How's
your eye?
MARGERY GLARES AT FRASIER BEFORE WALKING AWAY
NILES I don't think it's going too well.
FRASIER Yes thank you Niles.
DAPHNE WALKS BACK OVER TO THEM
DAPHNE
Your old fella wants a cup of coffee. Can you ask if anyone else wants
one while I make them?
FRASIER Yes of course Daphne.
NILES I'll help you.
DAPHNE AND NILES EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
NILES PUTS SOME COFFEE CUPS ON THE ISLAND AS DAPHNE TAKES A POT OF COFFEE OFF THE MACHINE. MARTIN ENTERS DRESSED IN A VERY SMART SUIT. THERE ARE THREE SWANS IN COSTUME TO THE RIGHT OF THE ISLAND IN A METAL TUB FULL OF WATER
DAPHNE
(TO MARTIN) Well hey there good looking. What are you dressed up like
the dog's dinner for?
MARTIN I have a date.
NILES Ah with this mystery woman.
DAPHNE
She's not so much of a mystery anymore. Roz and Frasier saw them
together in Nervosa the other day.
MARTIN And is it a crime to have coffee with a woman now?
FRASIER ENTERS
FRASIER
Can you make six cups please Daphne? Niles I could use some help out
here.
FRASIER AND NILES EXIT. DURING THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION DAPHNE STARTS TO POUR THE COFFEE BEFORE PUTTING THE CUPS ON A TRAY WITH A BOWL OF SUGAR AND A JUG OF CREAM
DAPHNE
Sure. There's no need to get all defensive about it. It's none of my
business. But someone has put that spring back in your step these last
few weeks, I'd just like to say hello to her that's all.
MARTIN I have a small confession to make about her.
DAPHNE She doesn't exist?
MARTIN Of course she exists. She's just a little younger then I am.
DAPHNE And? Maureen was younger then you were.
MARTIN
Yeah I know that but I'm older now. She should be off dating lawyers
or doctors not a retired cop with a bad hip. I'm no spring chicken
anymore. I worry...what if I can't...you know?
DAPHNE What? Rise to the occasion?
MARTIN Keep your voice down!
DAPHNE
Oh don't worry about it I won't tell the boys. You know if you're that
concerned about it there are pills you can take that can help you in
this area.
MARTIN I know.
MARTIN PULLS A HANDKERCHIEF FROM OUT OF HIS POCKET AND UNWRAPS IT. BUNDLED UP INSIDE ARE A HANDFUL OF VIAGRA TABLETS
DAPHNE Where did you get those?
DAPHNE TAKES THEM OFF HIM TO HAVE A CLOSER LOOK
MARTIN
I know a guy. I was a cop. I can get you pretty much anything. But now
I've got them I'm a little unsure of what to do.
DAPHNE Well if you want my advice...
FRASIER (OFF STAGE) Daphne, are those coffee's done?
IN A PANIC DAPHNE PUTS ALL OF THE TABLETS IN THE NEAREST CUP OF COFFEE AS FRASIER ENTERS.
DAPHNE Erm...no.
FRASIER Well they look done.
DAPHNE But they're not.
FRASIER PICKS UP THE TRAY
FRASIER
What's the matter with you two? You look as white as a couple of
ghosts. I'm the one with the position on the opera board on the line.
For God's sake have a stiff one and relax.
FRASIER EXITS AS DAPHNE AND MARTIN BOTH CRINGE
DAPHNE Oh my God!
MARTIN Which cup did it go in?
DAPHNE I don't know.
DAPHNE AND MARTIN EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER PLACES THE TRAY OF COFFEE ON THE BAR AS DAPHNE AND MARTIN ENTER
MARTIN What do we do now?
DAPHNE
We need to get that coffee before anyone drinks it. (SUDDENLY SHOUTS)
Niles!
NILES WALKS OVER TO THEM
NILES Yes honey?
DAPHNE Do you love me?
NILES
Of course I do. You know that. What kind of question is that to ask
me?
DAPHNE
Then you'll do anything I ask without question. Go out there and drink
that coffee before anyone else does.
NILES What?
DAPHNE If you love me you'll do it.
NILES
Well it seems a strange test of a relationship but okay.
NILES WALKS OVER TO THE BAR AND TAKES A CUP OF COFFEE OFF A GUEST BEFORE THEY CAN DRINK IT
NILES (CONT'D)
Excuse me. I'll take that.
FRASIER Niles what are you doing?
NILES I need the caffeine.
NILES BEGINS TO GULP DOWN THE COFFEE DESPITE IT BEING BOILING HOT
NILES (CONT'D) Hot coffee! Have no feeling in mouth.
ANOTHER GUESTS TRIES TO PICK UP A CUP BUT NILES STOPS THEM
NILES (CONT'D) Back away that ones mine as well.
SFX: DOORBELL
AS FRASIER STARES AT NILES CONCERNED HE CROSSES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT. ROZ ENTERS CARRYING ALICE WHO HAS HER FACE TURNED AWAY FROM FRASIER
FRASIER Roz what are you doing here?
ROZ Take one guess.
ALICE TURNS AROUND TO REVEAL THAT SHE HAS A MARBLE STUCK UP HER NOSTRIL
ALICE Hello Uncle Frasier.
FRASIER Ah.
ROZ
Daphne said you had something that would get it out so I didn't have
to go to the hospital. Can we come in?
FRASIER
I guess so but hurry. I'm having enough trouble impressing these
people as it is without parading children with marbles stuck up their
nostrils through my living room.
ROZ AND ALICE CROSS OVER TO DAPHNE AND MARTIN AT THE SAME TIME THAT NILES DOES, WHO LOOKS IN AN EXTREME AMOUNT OF PAIN
NILES
Okay I've drunk it all and I now have so many blisters in my mouth I
feel like a sheep with foot and mouth disease.
DAPHNE
There's still one left. John has one. Quick get over there before he
drinks it.
NILES Does it really matter?
DAPHNE If you love me.
NILES RUSHES OVER TO JOHN AND SNATCHES HIS CUP OF COFFEE JUST BEFORE HE IS ABOUT TO DRINK IT AND KNOCKS IT BACK IN ONE
JOHN What's going on Crane?
FRASIER Niles what are you doing?
NILES I need the coffee right now. I'll make you another.
ROZ (TO DAPHNE) What's going on?
DAPHNE I'll tell you in a moment.
NILES There I'm done. Does that prove I love you?
DAPHNE
Yes thank you sweetheart. I'll never question your love again. Now go
and sit down and chew on this ice.
DAPHNE HANDS NILES A CUP OF ICE FROM THE BAR. AS NILES SITS DOWN ON THE PIANO STOOL DAPHNE, MARTIN, ROZ AND ALICE EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE, MARTIN, ROZ AND ALICE ENTER
ROZ
Okay what's happening? This is bizarre even for one of Frasier's
parties.
DAPHNE Can I tell her?
MARTIN Sure everyone is likely to find out soon anyway.
ROZ Find out what?
DAPHNE You know his new girlfriend?
ROZ Yeah I saw her. She's gorgeous Marty.
MARTIN
Yeah that's the problem. I was a little nervous about you know stuff.
So I got a couple of pills.
ROZ Pills? Pills? Ah...pills. I'm with you.
DAPHNE Which accidentally got put in one of the cups of coffee.
ROZ
And now it's the game of watching and seeing who got the cup? Well
this should be fun. (LOOKS OUT THE DOOR) I put twenty bucks on the old
guy with the toupee.
MARTIN No we know who got it.
DAPHNE I made Niles drink it all before anyone else did.
ROZ You're kidding?! Does he know what was in it?
DAPHNE
No he doesn't but I think he's about to. Does anyone know how quickly
that stuff works?
ROZ How many pills were in there?
MARTIN Nine.
DAPHNE Nine!?!
ROZ Nine?
ROZ STARTS TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY
DAPHNE All right stop laughing. This is not helping the situation.
ROZ
From past experience I'd say he's going to have a very big reaction if
you know what I mean. And fast.
MARTIN Past experience?
ROZ Sure I used to know Senator Adler.
DAPHNE Well what do we do now?
ROZ Do I have to explain the birds and the bees to you Daphne?
DAPHNE Oh my God!
DAPHNE PUTS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS
MARTIN What are you doing here anyway Roz?
ALICE I got a marble stuck.
DAPHNE You put her on the counter I'll get the tongs.
ROZ PUTS ALICE ON THE COUNTER AS DAPHNE GETS SOME TONGS OUT OF THE DRAWER. SHE THEN TRIES TO PULL THE MARBLE OUT AS FRASIER ENTERS
FRASIER What are you doing?
DAPHNE I'm trying to extract her brain.
ROZ
(TO ALICE) You're so brave. Look Uncle Frasier may not have a pony but
he has swans. So will you please stop doing this now? Otherwise
Mommy's going to go insane and you'll have to live with your scary
Grandma. And remember how much her moustache used to frighten you?
It's grown in a little more since then.
MARTIN It's not budging. You need to pull harder.
FRASIER TAKES THE TONGS OFF DAPHNE AND TRIES HIMSELF
FRASIER Here let me try. And I've got it.
FRASIER FINALLY PULLS IT OUT BUT THE FORCE OF IT MAKES THE MARBLE FLY OUT OF THE ROOM
RESET TO: INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
WE FOLLOW THE MARBLE AS IT FLIES ACROSS THE ROOM AND LANDS RIGHT IN MARGERY'S CLEAVAGE JUST AS FRASIER, ROZ, DAPHNE, MARTIN AND ALICE ENTER. MARGERY DOESN'T NOTICE AND CONTINUES TALKING
FRASIER (CONT'D) Where did it go?
ROZ POINTS TOWARDS MARGERY'S CLEAVAGE
FRASIER (CONT'D) Oh good Lord!
MARTIN Do you want my fishing pole?
FRASIER I think I need a sedative.
FRASIER WALKS OVER TO MARGERY AS NILES BEGINS TO FIDGET IN HIS SEAT. HE SUDDENLY STARTS TO LEARN FORWARD ONTO THE PIANO COVERING HIS LAP FROM VIEW
NILES (CALLS) Daphne. Can I speak to you please?
DAPHNE Here we go.
ROZ I've got to come. This is too much fun to miss.
DAPHNE AND ROZ WALK OVER TO NILES, DAPHNE RATHER RELUCTANTLY BUT ROZ HAS A CERTAIN SPRING IN HER STEP
DAPHNE Yes honey?
NILES I seem to be having a rather odd reaction to the coffee.
DAPHNE I thought you might be.
NILES Is there any particular reason for this?
DAPHNE Yes there is.
NILES Would you care to share it with me?
DAPHNE There may have been a few Viagra tablets in one of the cups.
NILES A few?
DAPHNE All right nine.
NILES' EYES WIDEN AS HE DIGESTS THIS INFORMATION
NILES Why?
DAPHNE
Your father was a bit nervous about his new girlfriend and wanted to
help the situation.
NILES
You know what's alarming? Even that disturbing picture that has just
been thrusted to my head, still hasn't made this problem budge. And
now I'm stuck here for the rest of the night until the party has
finished.
ROZ BEGINS TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY
NILES (CONT'D)
I'm so glad to see you find this so amusing Roz.
ROZ But just think of all the fun you'll have later.
NILES Yes but that's not making it go away right now.
ROZ
Oh Niles lighten up, stop being such a stiff.
ROZ AND DAPHNE BOTH TRY TO HIDE THEIR LAUGHTER
ROZ (CONT'D)
Sorry. Can't you just cover it?
NILES I've had nine tablets. This piano is barely covering it.
ROZ Then I think you're stuck here until the party is over.
NILES I can't stay here for the whole party.
ROZ
Then I'd better warn everyone that you might have their eyes out.
NILES Roz!
ROZ I'm sorry Niles I'm just trying to get a rise out of you.
ROZ AND DAPHNE BOTH START TO LAUGH AGAIN
DAPHNE A rise out of you, that's a good one.
NILES This is all very amusing but what am I going to do?
ROZ SUDDENLY SEES SOME FOOD ON THE TABLE
ROZ Oooh finger foods.
ROZ MOVES OVER TO THE TABLE AND DAPHNE GOES TO FOLLOW HER
NILES (DESPERATE) Daphne don't leave me.
DAPHNE
I've just got to go and make some more coffee and then I'll be back.
Just don't move until I'm back.
AS DAPHNE EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN WE FOCUS ON MARGERY WHO IS TALKING TO KENNETH. FRASIER IS HOVERING NEAR BY TRYING TO SEE THE MARBLE
MARGERY
She's a wonderful talent. That is clear to see. The director wasn't
even aware that she was my daughter when he cast her.
KENNETH
Oh yes because there are so many Von Hassleberger's in the Seattle
area. It's such a common name.
FRASIER BEGINS TO STARE QUITE CLEARLY AT MARGERY'S CLEAVAGE
MARGERY Quite. (TO FRASIER) What are you doing?
FRASIER Nothing.
MARGERY Were you trying to look down my dress?
FRASIER Of course not I was merely admiring your broach.
MARGERY I'm not wearing a broach.
FRASIER
I meant June's broach. I have a lazy eye. From one minute to the next
I don't know who it's looking at.
AS MARGERY TRIES TO COVER HERSELF UP WE FOCUS BACK IN ON NILES WHO IS STILL STUCK AT THE PIANO AND JOHN WHO IS STANDING NEXT TO HIM
JOHN Got enough coffee now Crane?
NILES Yes thank you John.
JOHN
I hate these things. I don't see why we can't just vote and get it
over and done with so I can go home.
NILES I couldn't agree more.
JOHN LOOKS DOWN AT THE FLOOR WHICH CAUSES HIS TOUPEE TO FALL OFF AND LAND AT HIS FEET
JOHN Oh damn.
NILES There's no need to be embarrassed.
JOHN
I'm not Crane. I get embarrassed when it lands in the soup. Would you
mind?
JOHN INDICATES TO NILES TO PICK IT UP
NILES I'd rather not.
JOHN
It doesn't have fleas Crane. Now save an old mans back and pass it
here will you.
NILES OBVIOUSLY CAN NOT MOVE SO INSTEAD STRETCHES AS FAR AS HE CAN AND MANAGES TO JUST PUT HIS FINGER TIPS ON THE TOUPEE
NILES Oh all right. Here you go.
NILES FLICKS THE TOUPEE UP IN THE AIR ONLY FOR IT TO LAND ON MARTIN'S CHAIR NEXT TO EDDIE
NILES (CONT'D) Oh no Eddie.
EDDIE THEN BEGINS TO BITE AND TARE THE TOUPEE AS MARTIN RUSHES OVER TO HIM TO TRY TO GET IT OFF HIM
MARTIN
Eddie give that here! Drop it! What the hell is this? Have you been
digging in Frasier's shower drain again?
EDDIE LETS GO
JOHN That's mine!
JOHN SNATCHES THE TOUPEE OFF MARTIN AND PUTS IT BACK ON HIS HEAD
MARTIN Sorry.
AS DAPHNE ENTERS AGAIN AND GOES TO SIT WITH NILES WE FOCUS IN ON FRASIER TALKING TO ROZ
FRASIER How do I get that back?
ROZ
You're going to have to put your hand down there and yank it out.
FRASIER And you don't think she'll notice that?
ROZ
I didn't say she wouldn't notice it. I said that's what you've got to
do.
FRASIER And how do you suggest I do that?
ROZ
Well normally I'd suggest dinner and movie but since you don't have
time for that, distract her.
FRASIER Distract her how? Ooh look at that man eating bear?
ROZ More like ooh look at the man who's had nine Viagra tablets.
FRASIER What?
ROZ
Never mind just do it. I know try dropping something else down there.
I'll tell you what, I'll do it.
ROZ STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS MARGERY
FRASIER No Roz wait.
ROZ WALKS INTO MARGERY SPILLING HER DRINK ALL OVER HER AND SENDING ALL OF THE ICE CUBES DOWN HER CLEAVAGE
ROZ Oops sorry.
FRASIER I'm so sorry Margery. Here let me get that.
FRASIER MAKES AN ATTEMPT TO RETRIEVE THE ICE CUBES AND THE MARBLE
MARGERY No that's fine Frasier.
FRASIER No really I'm...
MARGERY YANKS FRASIER'S HAND AWAY FROM HER AS EVERYONE QUIETENS DOWN TO LISTEN TO WHAT'S HAPPENING
MARGERY
Frasier! You needn't think that groping me is going to help you get a
seat on the board. On top of what you've said about my daughter and
the damage that swan has done to my cornea I wouldn't cancel my
subscription just yet. So would you please remove your hand from my
cleavage!
FRASIER I'm sorry!
MARGERY I'm leaving. Come on Kenneth, June.
ALL OF THE PARTY GUESTS START TO LEAVE
KENNETH Nice talking to you Crane.
AS MARGERY REACHES FRONT DOOR SHE TURNS TO NILES
MARGERY
Oh Niles. We've still got a vacated seat on the opera board to fill.
Would you like to join us all for a drink?
NILES
(TO DAPHNE AND MARTIN) I'm going to kill you. Sorry Margery but I have
other plans.
MARGERY Suit yourself.
MARGERY EXITS CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HER
FRASIER What plans?
NILES Pouring ice cubes down my pants.
AS FRASIER GIVES THEM A PUZZLED LOOK WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO
CLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER'S APARTMENT IS DARK UNTIL SUDDENLY HE APPEARS FROM HIS ROOM DRESSED IN HIS PYJAMAS AND GRUMPILY PUTS THE LIGHT ON. AFTER HE ADJUSTS HIS EYES TO THE LIGHT HE MARCHES OVER TO THE FRONT DOOR AND PULLS IT OPEN TO REVEAL ROZ HOLDING ALICE WHO HAS SOMETHING STUCK UP HER NOSE YET AGAIN. FRASIER GLARES AT THEM BOTH FOR A WHILE AS ROZ APOLOGISES. FRASIER THEN REACHES OVER TO THE UNIT BY THE FRONT DOOR AND PICKS UP THE PAIR OF TONGS WRAPPED IN A BIG RED BOW. HE HANDS IT TO ROZ BEFORE SHUTTING THE DOOR AND MAKING HIS WAY BACK TO BED.
I have to say I rather like this one. In my opinion this is as close to a real FRASIER episode as I'm ever going to get. For those of you who have been keeping up to date with spoilers for season eleven you will notice a tiny overlap. This episode was however written at the start of the summer before certain storylines had arisen shall we say.
Enjoy...
Frasier
Alternative Season Ten Episode Three
A Fright At The Opera
By
Kelly-Simba
ACT ONE
(A)
TITLE CARD: "THE SOUND OF MUSIC?"
FADE IN:
INT. OPERA HOUSE LOBBY - NIGHT - DAY/1
(Niles, Frasier, Daphne, Margery)
AT THE INTERMISSION OF AN OPERA THE AUDIENCE COMES OUT INTO THE LOBBY TO GET A DRINK. AS THE PEOPLE MILL AROUND FRASIER AND NILES ENTER BOTH WEARING TUXEDOS RUBBING THEIR EARS WITH AN EXTREME AMOUNT OF DISCOMFORT, ALONG WITH DAPHNE WHO IS WEARING A BALL GOWN. THROUGHOUT THE FOLLOWING DAPHNE DOESN'T APPEAR TO BE LISTENING TO ANYTHING THAT FRASIER AND NILES SAY BUT LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM AT THE SEA OF FACES INSTEAD
NILES
You know I think that woman's singing is actually making me go deaf.
I've never heard such a piercing screeching voice in all my life. Well
with the exception of Maris when she used to catch sight of her weight
gain in the mirror after Christmas dinner.
FRASIER
Ah yes I remember how that one slice of turkey used to make her bloat
like she was having an allergic reaction to shellfish. I still find it
hard to believe that they've actually paid that woman, who let it be
known has all the singing ability of a dead sparrow, to perform on
stage. Let alone in a production of such grandeur as this one.
FRASIER PUTS HIS HANDS OVER HIS EARS
FRASIER (CONT'D)
I can just hear this constant ringing in my ears.
FRASIER PULLS HIS HANDS AWAY FROM HIS EARS
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Oh good Lord, I think they're bleeding.
NILES
It's by far the worst portrayal of Gilda I have ever heard and I saw
Bette Milder's venture into opera. It was like looking at a car wreak,
only louder and in a dress that even a hooker would draw the line at.
Don't you agree Daphne? (PAUSE) Sweetheart? (PAUSE) Daphne? (SHOUTS)
Daphne!
DAPHNE, SUDDENLY HEARING HIM, PULLS SOME COTTON FROM HER EARS AND FINALLY TURNS TO FACE BOTH OF THEM
DAPHNE I'm sorry what?
NILES
(SHOCKED) I don't believe this!
NILES TAKES THE COTTON FROM DAPHNE
NILES (CONT'D)
You know Frasier makes fun of your psychic ability but I'm beginning
to believe it more and more everyday. But if you had a premonition
about how bad Gilda was going to be why didn't you warn us?
DAPHNE
I didn't have a premonition. I always wear cotton wool in my ears to
these things. It's the only way I can stand to come without some sort
of alcohol or sedative.
FRASIER You've been doing it all this time?
NILES I have to say Daphne I'm hurt!
DAPHNE
Oh don't play innocent game with me either of you. (TO NILES) Don't
think that I haven't noticed that every time I want to go to a concert
you suddenly come down with an ear infection and an eye complication
that means you have to keep them shut even though you're "still
enjoying the music."
NILES
So? What? I happen find Billy Joel even more enjoyable when I can't
hear or actually even see him perform. Is that such a crime?
FRASIER Niles I don't believe it.
DAPHNE
And you can be quiet as well, I've seen you do the same thing at the
basketball with your father. The way you shout and keep your eyes shut
tight it's like we've taken the village idiot out for the day.
FRASIER
In my defence I've never exaggerated that eye condition thing. It can
be very dry inside that stadium. It's no wonder that the Sonics never
seem to be able to do what ever it is that they would normally do in a
basketball game. I bet the player's eyes are so dry after the first
five minutes they can hardly see.
SUDDENLY NILES SEES SOMEONE IN THE CROWD AND HIDES BEHIND DAPHNE, JUST PEEPING HIS HEAD OVER HER SHOULDER
NILES Uh-oh.
DAPHNE What are you doing?
NILES Maris sighting.
FRASIER Either that or he's playing peek-a-boo with Cordell Watkins.
NILES
Don't joke Frasier. The man doesn't have full control over his mind
these days. Or any control for that matter. Rumour has it, his butler
found him sitting on top of the East Wing trying to build a nest last
week.
FRASIER Well that would explain why his leg is in plaster.
NILES
And why he is now being sued for sexual harassment. If he didn't have
a few marbles rolling around upstairs I'm sure he wouldn't have said
to his upstairs maid "Hey good looking it's not really my leg in
here." Is there any wonder she's issued a restraining order and is
claiming compensation for emotional distress?
DAPHNE
And these people are supposed to be the cream of the Seattle society
you say?
FRASIER They are. But just a little past their sell-by date.
DAPHNE She's gone now you can come back out.
NILES SLOWLY COMES OUT FROM BEHIND DAPHNE
NILES
You think that but she's never really gone. She's like an impeccably
dressed version of athlete's foot. Just when you've forgotten about
her she pops up to cause you more discomfort then that of a pig on a
spit roast. Why can't I go anywhere without running into one of my ex-
wives?
NILES COMES OUT FROM BEHIND DAPHNE AND STANDS NEXT HER WITH HIS ARM AROUND HER WAIST READY TO HIDE AGAIN
DAPHNE Because you have a couple of them that's why Casanova.
NILES So does Frasier.
FRASIER
But at least mine don't even live on the same side of the country as I
do let alone state or city. What makes you think that she'd even want
to speak to you?
NILES
The disgruntled note I received at my office wanting to know why she
wasn't invited to the wedding.
DAPHNE
She didn't really want to come did she? That would have been weird.
It's taken twenty years of therapy and a strong electrical current to
cure me Auntie Margaret of seeing walking, talking hat stands. One
glimpse of Maris and that would have set her back completely. (THEN)
Although actually she could have come in handy, depending on where we
sat her she could have stopped the ice sculptures from melting.
NILES
Oh she was quite serious. And also quite agitated when I sent her a
reply saying I invited her to my first wedding, what more did she
want?
FRASIER How do you know she was agitated?
NILES
Marta is still her hatchet maid and by the size of her has been
working out like she's training for the Olympics since I last saw her.
She didn't say anything to me. Just booked an appointment under an
alias with Mrs. Woodson, came into my office and kicked me in an area
I'd care not mention.
DAPHNE I'm surprised she didn't do it herself.
NILES
I'm sure she would have done had she ever been able to move her leg
forward past a ten-degree angle. As a result she's never been able to
walk properly it's more of a shuffle.
DAPHNE Why don't you just go and speak to her?
NILES STARTS TO CLING TO DAPHNE EVEN MORE THEN BEFORE
NILES No that's okay Daphne, I can sense you're jealous.
DAPHNE I'm really not. Now stop being a big baby and go over there.
NILES (PLEADING) Come with me?
DAPHNE On your bike, I'm not speaking to her.
NILES RATHER RELUCTANTLY WALKS OFF INTO THE CROWD AS MARGERY, A WOMAN DRIPPING WITH BOTH MONEY AND ATTITUDE, MOVES TOWARDS FRASIER AND DAPHNE
FRASIER
Oh here comes Margery Von Hassleberger. Have you ever met her? She's
the biggest phoney I think I have ever...well hello there Margery you
dear sweet woman.
FRASIER KISSES MARGERY'S CHEEK
MARGERY Hello Frasier.
FRASIER Have you met my sister-in-law Daphne Crane?
DAPHNE AND MARGERY SHAKE HANDS
MARGERY
Ah yes I had heard that Niles had remarried. It's a pleasure. Although
I must say you do look awfully familiar dear.
FRASIER
Perhaps you've met at one of my opera get-togethers? Daphne used to be
my housekeeper and my father's physical therapist.
MARGERY
Oh yes of course. How nice that you've been able to become so close.
Crossing the servant boundaries and all that. Where is dear Niles
anyway?
DAPHNE LOOKS OVER INTO THE CROWD
DAPHNE In the lion's den about to loose an arm.
FRASIER So Margery how goes everything on the opera board?
MARGERY
Simply dreadful darling. You've heard the little story about Cordell
Watkins and a certain member of his staff I take it?
FRASIER The upstairs maid?
MARGERY
Good heavens no, that's last weeks news. It turns out Cordell has been
carrying on behind his wife's back with the stable boy.
FRASIER You're kidding?
DAPHNE
If you ask me you high society types should start to spend more money
getting your hormones in check then on sheep gland facial masks and
other such nonsense.
MARGERY
I couldn't agree more dear. But this whole scandal is much worse then
a simple master / servant affair.
DAPHNE (BEGINNING TO GET ANGRY) Is that so? Well...
FRASIER PUTS HIS ARM AROUND DAPHNE
FRASIER (WHISPERS) Count to ten and look at your wedding ring.
DAPHNE Thank you.
MARGERY
The stable boy is Senator Adler's son. We can't have that kind of
scandal three times in the space of two years. That boy certainly gets
around. So to cut a long story short his seat on the board is now
vacated and we're currently in the process of looking for a
replacement.
FRASIER
Really? Well a seat on the board has always been on the forefront of
my agenda.
MARGERY
I know dear that's why I mentioned it. Let the campaigning begin. So
what do you think of this evening's performance?
FRASIER
Generally outstanding except for that poor woman playing Gilda. Dear
God! You'd have to strap her to a NASA rocket before she'd get
anywhere near reaching one of those high notes. Kidding aside who on
earth can she be related to, to have won this role when I doubt she'd
be able to sing a simple verse of Happy Birthday in tune?
MARGERY Me. She's my daughter.
FRASIER
(A LITTLE STUNNED AND TRIPPING OVER HIS WORDS) Ah yes well, high notes
are not that important especially in opera. When I said...
MARGERY Goodnight Frasier.
MARGERY WALKS AWAY AS FRASIER LOOKS ON ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIED
DAPHNE
Oh yes she's clearly phonier then you are. You've done nothing but
complain about the woman's singing all night but I bet if she came out
here right now you'd try to give her an enema.
FRASIER I thought you couldn't hear anything through that cotton.
DAPHNE
Evidently no scientist has been able to invent a material to block out
the sound of yours and Niles' incessant whining. You're like a couple
of cats with your privates caught in an antique mangle.
NILES COMES RUNNING BACK OVER TO FRASIER AND DAPHNE
NILES I didn't think I'd come back alive.
FRASIER How did it go?
NILES
She wouldn't speak to me. But there was an even bigger bonus then
that. I overheard Elliot Klein talking about the opera board. Cordell
Watkins has been kicked off. There's a seat up for grabs.
FRASIER FRANTICALLY PULLS A QUARTER FROM HIS POCKET
FRASIER I'll flip you for it.
NILES But I heard it first.
FRASIER Margery Van Hassleberger told me.
NILES But it's my dream.
FRASIER It's my destiny.
NILES Then fine let the best man win.
DAPHNE
Can I stop you two rutting dears before this turns into another
incident like that club place you were so obsessed about getting into
years ago. Neither of you got in and you both ended up looking like
fools. Now as much as I enjoy watching that, I really must put a stop
to it before it starts.
NILES Okay a compromise. A contest.
DAPHNE Here we go this is like being at home with me brothers.
FRASIER
The challenge is accepted. I'll choose the category. The topic is the
Seattle Symphony 2002-2003.
DAPHNE
Or not. My brothers used to see who could eat the hottest curry. Of
course Michael always used to win, probably because he lost all his
taste buds after he lost the annual cat shaving contest and had to
drink a shot of drain cleaner. His vision has never been one hundred
percent since either.
FRASIER AND NILES BOTH STARE AT DAPHNE FOR A MOMENT
FRASIER (TO NILES) Where do you begin?
NILES
Don't go there. I'll go first. Honorary Composer in Residence?
FRASIER David Diamond. E-Flat Clarinet?
NILES Laura DeLuca. Timpani?
FRASIER Michael Crusoe. Principal Bassoon?
NILES Mike Gamburg.
FRASIER
(OVERJOYED) Nope wrong. Wrong! Seth Krimsky is the Principal Bassoon,
Mike Gamburg is the Contrabassoon.
NILES Damn!
FRASIER (SHOUTS) I win! That seat is mine!
AS NILES STARTS TO LOOK INCREASINGLY DEPRESSED DAPHNE PUTS HER ARM THROUGH HIS
DAPHNE
Don't worry about it sweetheart. After what he's just said to that
Margery woman he stands as much chance of getting on that board as
Eddie does.
AS DAPHNE CONTINUES TO COMFORT NILES WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
FADE IN:
INT. NILES AND DAPHNE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY - DAY/2 (Martin, Frasier, Niles, Daphne)
THE LIVING ROOM IS FULL OF SUITCASES AND BOXES COVERED WITH DIFFERENT LABELS THAT HAVE COME FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM AT THE ELLIOT BAY TOWERS. FRASIER STANDS LOOKING AROUND THE ROOM AS MARTIN ENTERS CARRYING A SMALL BOX.
MARTIN Where shall I put this box?
FRASIER
Let's try some of that detective work you were supposed to be doing
for all those years shall we?
FRASIER READS THE LABEL
FRASIER (CONT'D)
It says 'Shoes' so I'm going to guess she wants it put in the
bathroom.
MARTIN GLARES AT FRASIER
MARTIN I'm leaving it here.
MARTIN PUTS THE BOX DOWN BY THE FIREPLACE BEFORE HE JOINS FRASIER IN LOOKING AT HOW MUCH STUFF THEY'VE MOVED THERE
FRASIER
Who knew Daphne had this much stuff in that small room? Still I might
have known had the fear of having to buy her yet another new car kept
me well beyond twenty feet from her door.
MARTIN It's going to be strange having her gone.
FRASIER
But look at it this way Dad, the place goes back to being our swinging
bachelor pad.
MARTIN
Swinging? Is that were you hang yourself from your lack of a love
life? (THEN) I haven't really wanted to think about her leaving.
FRASIER CROSSES TO MARTIN AND PUTS AN ARM AROUND HIS SHOULDER
FRASIER
I know Dad. But she's your daughter-in-law now and it won't be that
much of an adjustment. After all she's been technically gone for a
long time now. After we found out about the baby I don't think
Daphne's spent a night at home.
NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR CARRYING A BOX UNNOTICED BY FRASIER AND MARTIN
MARTIN
I know but now all of her stuffs gone as well. (PAUSE) I've enjoyed
having her there. She means so much to me and I'm just going to miss
her that's all.
FRASIER I know Dad. Me too.
NILES Thanks for hiring her.
FRASIER AND MARTIN TURN AROUND TO SEE NILES
FRASIER No thank you for keeping her around.
AS THE GUYS SHARE A SILENT MOMENT DAPHNE ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR CARRYING A BOX BUT IS UNABLE TO GET PAST NILES WHO IS STANDING IN THE DOORWAY
DAPHNE
Come on you shift your arse. We're never going to get all of this lot
put away if you don't pull your finger out.
NILES MOVES TOWARDS FRASIER AS DAPHNE WALKS IN AND PLACES THE BOX ON THE EDGE OF THE FAINTING COUCH
FRASIER (TO NILES) Pull my finger out of where?
NILES I have no idea. Just nod it's easier.
MARTIN TAKES THE BOX OFF DAPHNE
MARTIN
Come here Daphne you shouldn't be carrying a heavy thing like that in
your condition.
DAPHNE
Thank you Martin. I'm looking forward to the day when I'm told I
shouldn't cook and clean in my condition and should spend all day
watching the TV and eating ice cream.
FRASIER In other words exchanging your life for Dads?
MARTIN
Daph you shouldn't be carrying anything like this. Here you go
Frasier, take this upstairs. What? I'm an old man with a cane? Do you
want me to trip and break my leg?
MARTIN GIVES THE BOX TO FRASIER
FRASIER Oh don't tempt me.
DAPHNE Come on I'll show you where to put it.
FRASIER AND DAPHNE EXIT UPSTAIRS. NILES STARTS TO LOOK AT THE LABELS ON ALL THE BOXES UNTIL HE SPOTS ONE AND FREEZES WITH HIS BACK TOWARDS THE STAIRCASE
NILES Uh-oh.
MARTIN Uh-oh what?
NILES Does that say what I think it does?
MARTIN LOOKS AT THE BOX
MARTIN (READING) Unicorns.
NILES Do you have a match?
MARTIN No.
DAPHNE ENTERS AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRCASE UNKNOWN TO NILES
NILES A lighter?
MARTIN No.
NILES Any sort of way to make these combust?
DAPHNE That better not be my box of unicorns you're talking about.
DAPHNE WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS AND NILES KISSES HER CHEEK AS FRASIER ENTERS AND WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS
NILES
Of course not sweetheart. I was just wondering where we should put
them. I often feel that the bathroom is a good place to showcase my
most precious possessions.
DAPHNE
Good then you won't mind moving some of this stuff in there so I can
have my unicorns out in the living room then will you?
FRASIER (TO NILES) You walked right into that one.
NILES
So have you decided what you're going to do in order to woo the opera
board? Other then destroying the life long dreams of others?
DAPHNE
The first suggestion should be not badmouthing the daughters of the
other board members.
FRASIER
Can you blame me? That woman moved around that stage like a whale.
Only nowhere nearly as graceful. I'll admit that there is some major
sucking up to be done.
NILES
Some? The only way you are going to stand a chance Frasier is if you
burst both your lungs. Of course if I had the chance to get on the
board I would never have done that.
FRASIER I was actually thinking about hosting a dinner party on Friday.
MARTIN Do you think that's such a good idea?
FRASIER Why not?
MARTIN You don't exactly have the best track record.
FRASIER And what does that mean?
MARTIN
That the French have had more success defending Paris from invaders
then you've had hosting dinner parties.
DAPHNE He does raise a valid point.
NILES
If I were running for the board however I wouldn't have such problems
with my dinner party.
DAPHNE
Have you erased the memory from your mind? Or are you interpreting
having a bird stuck on your head and the dead body in the living room
as good things?
NILES Well aren't we Mrs. The Glass Is Half Empty today?
FRASIER Can I count on you to attend Niles?
NILES I'm not sure. I may have plans.
FRASIER
And what if I were to say I've heard rumours that John Ellis is going
to be retiring from the board soon and this would be an ideal occasion
to lay the groundwork to be his placement?
NILES (CHEERY) I'll be there at seven. Shall I bring anything?
FRASIER
Just some witty dinner conversation. And on that subject. Dad I was
wondering if you'd...
MARTIN What? Clear out?
FRASIER If you don't mind.
MARTIN What's it worth?
FRASIER I'll get you tickets to a Sonics game.
MARTIN Five games.
FRASIER Two.
MARTIN Three.
FRASIER Deal.
FRASIER AND MARTIN SHAKE HANDS
MARTIN Great, but I'm going out on Friday anyway. I've got a date.
FRASIER What?! Then that deal is null and void.
MARTIN Too late we shook on it.
NILES (TO FRASIER) And you walked right into that one.
AS THEY BEGIN TO TAKE SOME MORE OF THE BOXES UPSTAIRS WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
TITLE CARD: "NOBODY NOSE THE TROUBLE I'VE SEEN"
FADE IN:
INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA - DAY - DAY/3
(Roz, Frasier, Martin, Date)
FRASIER SITS IN THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA WITH HIS BACK TO THE DOOR AND WITH SEVERAL PIECES OF PAPER SPREAD ACROSS THE TABLE AS ROZ ENTERS LOOKING QUITE STRESSED
ROZ Hi Frasier.
FRASIER Hi Roz. You look a little stressed. What's wrong?
ROZ SITS DOWN AND PUTS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS
ROZ Alice, that's what's wrong.
FRASIER
What's happened this time? I haven't seen you like this since she
glued herself to the dog.
ROZ
Can you believe that glue still hasn't come off her hands? Thank God
it's no longer sticky. If I could pull the left over fur out of it, it
wouldn't be so bad. I'm giving it one more week and then I'm shaving
it off. She looks like a werewolf girl.
FRASIER And you were worried she'd inherit Rick's nose.
ROZ
That's sort of the problem. She keeps putting things up her nose.
FRASIER What like?
ROZ Convertibles. Chickens. Now what would you think?
FRASIER Well if she did have Rick's nose...
ROZ
I know it'd be big enough to get your head and your ego stuck up it.
I'm talking about coins, marbles, anything that's small enough. I
can't leave her alone for a second without coming back and finding her
nostrils flared like she's about to breathe fire.
FRASIER Oh dear.
ROZ
There has got to be a way to Alice proof her nostrils, I'm sick of
having to go to the hospital. They have a chair in the waiting room
with my name on it.
FRASIER Why do you have to go to the hospital?
ROZ
It's the only way to get it out. They have this big metal clamp to
yank whatever it is out. But she's terrified of it. I've tried to
reassure her but apparently telling her that she should be lucky
that's all they use on her, at my doctor they have stirrups, was the
wrong thing to say. Now she's obsessed with going to see my doctor
because she thinks I ride a pony there. I'm beginning to think that
she only does it now because she thinks I'll give in and take her to
my pony doctor.
FRASIER
I see. Still all those single doctors, surely it's coming in handy
going up the hospital all the time.
ROZ
I think it's a sign of age when after five trips there in one day I
get a little tired of flirting with doctors. Repeat that to anyone,
especially Niles and I'll kill you.
FRASIER Didn't you go out with a doctor not so long ago?
ROZ
Yeah he was an anaesthesiologist but it didn't really go anywhere.
FRASIER Why not?
ROZ
When we went out I never really felt anything. What's this?
ROZ STARTS TO READ THE PAPERS ON THE TABLE
ROZ (CONT'D)
Uh-oh. A seating chart? Menu's? Wine lists? You're going to host a
dinner party aren't you?
FRASIER Nothing gets by you does it Roz?
ROZ Is the National Guard on standby to clear up afterwards?
FRASIER What does that mean?
ROZ
Putting you in charge of a party is like putting a fertility God in a
brothel. It's just asking for trouble.
FRASIER
Putting that flattering comparison aside for just one moment I may
have had a few problems in the past but I've put all that behind me.
ROZ I thought you'd run out of room back there.
FRASIER
That's very amusing. But I mean it. Getting onto that opera board is a
dream that has been eluding me for years but not for much longer. Come
Friday I will be a part of that board.
ROZ I'm bored right now.
FRASIER
So it's okay for me to listen to you babble on about your Alice
problem but I'm to keep quiet about my impending position on the opera
board?
MARTIN AND A FAIRLY YOUNG LOOKING WOMAN ENTER AND SIT BY THE WINDOW, WITH MARTIN FACING THE WINDOW. ROZ SPOTS THEM ALMOST IMMEDIATELY. WHEN THEY SIT DOWN MARTIN BLOCKS THE VIEW OF HIS COMPANIONS FACE FROM FRASIER AND ROZ
ROZ
And you didn't need any fancy degrees to work that out. Is that your
Dad?
FRASIER TURNS AROUND TO LOOK BUT IS UNABLE TO SEE THE WOMAN'S FACE
FRASIER
Yes it is. And this must be the illusive woman he's been seeing on the
sly. I've been beginning to wonder if she even existed since he's
refused to let me meet her.
ROZ
This one must be serious then. If you don't want to scare your date
off, rule number one is never introduce them to your family. Which is
probably why Daphne has put an ocean and an entire country between
herself and her family.
FRASIER
Are you implying that I'd scare her off? He can't be thinking that.
THE WOMAN STANDS AND ROZ GETS TO SEE FOR THE FIRST TIME THAT THEY ARE ROUGHLY THE SAME AGE
ROZ
Actually I don't think he's scared you'll scare her off. He may be
scared that you'll steal her.
AS FRASIER LOOKS AT HER A LITTLE SHOCKED WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
(D)
FADE IN:
INT. NILES AND DAPHNE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY - DAY/4
(Daphne, Roz, Alice, Niles)
DAPHNE AND ROZ STAND BEHIND THE FAINTING COUCH LOOKING THROUGH SOME BOXES THAT STILL LITTER THE ROOM. ALICE SITS IN FRONT OF THE FAINTING COUCH PLAYING WITH A DOLL SET. THE FRONT DOOR IS PROPPED OPEN WITH ANOTHER BOX
DAPHNE Thanks for this Roz.
ROZ
That's okay. I just can't believe that you haven't already got this
done by now. You've been back two weeks now.
DAPHNE
I know it's taken a lot longer then I thought. Frasier would have been
around to help again today but it's his party tonight for the opera
board and he was waiting for the swans dressed as the characters from
Madama Butterfly to arrive.
ROZ Swans?
DAPHNE
Don't ask. Everything would have been done by now but you know I can't
lift for obvious reasons and Niles can't lift because of...well...
ROZ Obvious reasons?
DAPHNE
Exactly. And actually on the topic of Niles while he's bringing that
last box up.
DAPHNE MOVES OVER TO A DRAWER BY THE FIREPLACE AND PULLS OUT A UNICORN ORNAMENT. SHE THEN PLACES IT ON TOP OF THE FIREPLACE IN PLACE OF AN WOODEN SCULPTURE AND PUTS THAT IN THE DRAWER INSTEAD
ROZ What are you doing?
DAPHNE
We're currently in the middle of a battle. The unicorns versus the
ugly African wooden crap.
ROZ Do you want my honest opinion on this?
DAPHNE Of course.
ROZ Burn them both.
DAPHNE If you don't mind I think I'll call that plan B.
ROZ SUDDENLY SEES ALICE'S HAND MOVE TOWARDS HER NOSE
ROZ Alice what are you doing?
ALICE Nothing.
ROZ Look at me.
ALICE TURNS TO LOOK AT ROZ AND SHOWS HER THAT SHE HAS NOTHING IN HER NOSTRIL
ROZ (CONT'D) Okay.
DAPHNE What's the matter?
ROZ She keeps putting things up her nose.
ALICE I want to go to Mommy's doctor. He has a pony.
DAPHNE A pony?
ROZ Gynaecologist.
DAPHNE
Trust me Alice you don't want to go there until it's absolutely
necessary. I've been beginning to wonder do you think they specify on
the job application forms that the doctors have got to have poor
circulation and therefore freezing cold hands before they can practice
as a gynaecologist?
ROZ
Tell me about it. If I ever wanted my eggs frozen all I'd have to do
is let my guy touch me.
NILES ENTERS CARRYING ONE LAST BOX FROM THE CAR AND SHUTS THE FRONT DOOR WITH HIS FOOT
NILES What are you two talking about?
ROZ Gynaecologists.
NILES Suddenly I'm relieved I missed that conversation.
NILES PLACES THE BOX ON THE DINNING TABLE
ROZ
I doubt you'd have been able to add much even though you can be a big
girl sometimes.
NILES It's always a pleasure having you around Roz.
ALICE THEN GOES TO PUT A BARBIE SHOE UP HER NOSE BUT NILES IMMEDIATELY SEES HER AND TAKES IT OFF HER
NILES (CONT'D) No Alice honey.
ROZ
Oh my God. Thank you Niles. A second later and that would have been
another trip to the hospital.
DAPHNE
You know Frasier's got a new pair of tongs that would probably solve
your problem.
ROZ Really?
DAPHNE
Yeah. If it happens again you'll be able to have that out in a jiffy.
Right but now onto the matter at hand. Where can this go?
DAPHNE PULLS OUT THE YELLOW CLOCK, THAT FRASIER FOUND IN THE DAPHNE'S ROOM EPISODE, FROM A BOX. NILES LOOKS AT IT A LITTLE HORRIFIED
NILES Back in it's box?
DAPHNE Grammy Moon gave me this.
NILES Its inscribed 'To Linda'.
DAPHNE
She wasn't quite all there towards the end. She used to call Simon,
Patsy, water the living room carpet and talk to a pot plant.
NILES
Well it obviously has so many memories for you how can we not put it
on display in the living room?
ROZ
Why is this taking so long? You have plenty of room in this house. You
could have had someone secretly squatting in here for the last four
years and you wouldn't have noticed them.
NILES Well I guess that would explain why my plants keep moving.
ROZ Can't you just have a unicorn room?
NILES We've solved the unicorn problem.
DAPHNE I've put most of them in the bedroom.
NILES And I've been suffering from insomnia ever since.
DAPHNE You've slept in the same room as them before.
NILES
Yes but that was before I realised that they were actually possessed.
DAPHNE
The important thing is that we've reached a compromise about them.
This could have ended in a full-scale war but we haven't let it come
to that.
ROZ Yeah but the joys of a fight is the make-up sex afterwards.
NILES AND DAPHNE SUDDENLY START TO STARE AT EACH OTHER
NILES And now we've missed out on that.
DAPHNE You're right. I never thought of that.
A BEAT
ROZ SUDDENLY BECOMES AWARE THAT SHE'S ABOUT TO BE A THIRD WHEEL
NILES (CALM) I don't want those unicorns in the bedroom.
DAPHNE Well I do.
NILES HUGS HER
NILES I'm so sorry sweetheart I was out of line.
DAPHNE Me too.
NILES Bye Roz. Bye Alice.
ROZ TAKES THE HINT, SCOOPS UP ALICE AND HEADS FOR THE FRONT DOOR
ROZ Oh jeez.
AS ROZ AND ALICE EXIT, NILES AND DAPHNE KISS AND WE:
FADE OUT
(E)
TITLE CARD: "STIFF COMPETITION"
FADE IN:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - DAY/4
(Frasier, Daphne, Niles, Kenneth, Martin, Roz, Alice, John, Margery, June, Eddie, Party Guests)
THE ROOM HAS BEEN SET UP FOR A SOPHISTICATED EVENING. THERE ARE CANDLES AND FLOWERS EVERYWHERE ALONG WITH A BAR IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION. THE ROOM IS NEARLY FULL OF PARTY GUESTS ALL DRESSED IN THEIR FINEST. NILES AND DAPHNE STAND BY THE BAR AS FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND ALLOWS A COUPLE, KENNETH AND JUNE TO ENTER. MARGERY IS ALREADY AT THE PARTY TALKING TO ANOTHER GUEST AS EDDIE LIES ASLEEP ON MARTIN'S COVERED OVER CHAIR. ANOTHER GUEST, JOHN, AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH.
FRASIER Kenneth and June welcome.
DAPHNE
How long do we have to stay here? One of the swans attacked me in the
kitchen and I had no idea how tiring it was making small talk with
small-minded people.
NILES
I promised Frasier we'd help woo this crowd. And after that one
particular swan, that seems to have some sort of serious anger
management problem, nearly had Margery Von Hassleberger's eye out he
can use all the help he can get.
FRASIER WALKS OVER TO NILES AND DAPHNE
FRASIER
(WITHOUT PAUSING FOR BREATHE OR AN ANSWER) Hi guys. Having fun? That's
great. Daphne I need you. Would you come and have a quick talk with
John Ellis again.
DAPHNE
Is he the chap with the wondering eye and the even more wondering
hands?
FRASIER
That's him. And don't worry he's like it with everyone which is
probably why he's been sued more times then the National Enquirer.
NILES
He's got quite a pinch on him for a senior citizen. I always thought
he was arthritic. I'm not sure I'll be able to sit long enough to
drive home.
AS NILES PULLS A PAINED EXPRESSION DAPHNE RUBS HIS BEHIND
DAPHNE
Why do I have to talk to him? Can't you fob someone else off onto him?
Someone who doesn't bruise as easily?
FRASIER He likes the English accent.
DAPHNE And? What do you want me to say to him?
FRASIER
Who cares? You can say whatever you like to him. As long as it's in an
English accent he'll think its Shakespeare.
DAPHNE
Fine I'll talk to the miserable old git but if he cups any part of my
anatomy I'm going to punch his lights out.
FRASIER Okay say anything but that.
DAPHNE MOVES OVER TO TALK TO JOHN A LITTLE RELUCTANTLY
NILES Is there anything I can do?
FRASIER
I think one of the swans may have had a little bowel trouble in the
kitchen.
NILES That's great but what does it have to do with me?
FRASIER I need it cleaned up.
NILES
I said I'll come here and woo your guests not be a nanny to an
incontinent swan.
FRASIER Fine but just don't let anyone in the kitchen.
BEFORE NILES CAN MOVE KENNETH APPROACHES THEM
KENNETH You've certainly done all you can to impress the board Crane.
FRASIER Well I like to do what I can.
KENNETH
If it was up to me, you'd be in but Margery has the deciding vote. And
since you so rightly said that her daughter sounded like a cat in
heat...
MARGERY APPROACHES AND LISTENS TO THE CONVERSATION UNBEKNOWNST TO FRASIER
FRASIER
If I may correct you Kenneth, I said nothing of the sort. Her daughter
has a lovely voice. I merely said that she'd have to be strapped to a
rocket to reach any sort of high note. (SEEING MARGERY) Margery! How's
your eye?
MARGERY GLARES AT FRASIER BEFORE WALKING AWAY
NILES I don't think it's going too well.
FRASIER Yes thank you Niles.
DAPHNE WALKS BACK OVER TO THEM
DAPHNE
Your old fella wants a cup of coffee. Can you ask if anyone else wants
one while I make them?
FRASIER Yes of course Daphne.
NILES I'll help you.
DAPHNE AND NILES EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
NILES PUTS SOME COFFEE CUPS ON THE ISLAND AS DAPHNE TAKES A POT OF COFFEE OFF THE MACHINE. MARTIN ENTERS DRESSED IN A VERY SMART SUIT. THERE ARE THREE SWANS IN COSTUME TO THE RIGHT OF THE ISLAND IN A METAL TUB FULL OF WATER
DAPHNE
(TO MARTIN) Well hey there good looking. What are you dressed up like
the dog's dinner for?
MARTIN I have a date.
NILES Ah with this mystery woman.
DAPHNE
She's not so much of a mystery anymore. Roz and Frasier saw them
together in Nervosa the other day.
MARTIN And is it a crime to have coffee with a woman now?
FRASIER ENTERS
FRASIER
Can you make six cups please Daphne? Niles I could use some help out
here.
FRASIER AND NILES EXIT. DURING THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION DAPHNE STARTS TO POUR THE COFFEE BEFORE PUTTING THE CUPS ON A TRAY WITH A BOWL OF SUGAR AND A JUG OF CREAM
DAPHNE
Sure. There's no need to get all defensive about it. It's none of my
business. But someone has put that spring back in your step these last
few weeks, I'd just like to say hello to her that's all.
MARTIN I have a small confession to make about her.
DAPHNE She doesn't exist?
MARTIN Of course she exists. She's just a little younger then I am.
DAPHNE And? Maureen was younger then you were.
MARTIN
Yeah I know that but I'm older now. She should be off dating lawyers
or doctors not a retired cop with a bad hip. I'm no spring chicken
anymore. I worry...what if I can't...you know?
DAPHNE What? Rise to the occasion?
MARTIN Keep your voice down!
DAPHNE
Oh don't worry about it I won't tell the boys. You know if you're that
concerned about it there are pills you can take that can help you in
this area.
MARTIN I know.
MARTIN PULLS A HANDKERCHIEF FROM OUT OF HIS POCKET AND UNWRAPS IT. BUNDLED UP INSIDE ARE A HANDFUL OF VIAGRA TABLETS
DAPHNE Where did you get those?
DAPHNE TAKES THEM OFF HIM TO HAVE A CLOSER LOOK
MARTIN
I know a guy. I was a cop. I can get you pretty much anything. But now
I've got them I'm a little unsure of what to do.
DAPHNE Well if you want my advice...
FRASIER (OFF STAGE) Daphne, are those coffee's done?
IN A PANIC DAPHNE PUTS ALL OF THE TABLETS IN THE NEAREST CUP OF COFFEE AS FRASIER ENTERS.
DAPHNE Erm...no.
FRASIER Well they look done.
DAPHNE But they're not.
FRASIER PICKS UP THE TRAY
FRASIER
What's the matter with you two? You look as white as a couple of
ghosts. I'm the one with the position on the opera board on the line.
For God's sake have a stiff one and relax.
FRASIER EXITS AS DAPHNE AND MARTIN BOTH CRINGE
DAPHNE Oh my God!
MARTIN Which cup did it go in?
DAPHNE I don't know.
DAPHNE AND MARTIN EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
FRASIER PLACES THE TRAY OF COFFEE ON THE BAR AS DAPHNE AND MARTIN ENTER
MARTIN What do we do now?
DAPHNE
We need to get that coffee before anyone drinks it. (SUDDENLY SHOUTS)
Niles!
NILES WALKS OVER TO THEM
NILES Yes honey?
DAPHNE Do you love me?
NILES
Of course I do. You know that. What kind of question is that to ask
me?
DAPHNE
Then you'll do anything I ask without question. Go out there and drink
that coffee before anyone else does.
NILES What?
DAPHNE If you love me you'll do it.
NILES
Well it seems a strange test of a relationship but okay.
NILES WALKS OVER TO THE BAR AND TAKES A CUP OF COFFEE OFF A GUEST BEFORE THEY CAN DRINK IT
NILES (CONT'D)
Excuse me. I'll take that.
FRASIER Niles what are you doing?
NILES I need the caffeine.
NILES BEGINS TO GULP DOWN THE COFFEE DESPITE IT BEING BOILING HOT
NILES (CONT'D) Hot coffee! Have no feeling in mouth.
ANOTHER GUESTS TRIES TO PICK UP A CUP BUT NILES STOPS THEM
NILES (CONT'D) Back away that ones mine as well.
SFX: DOORBELL
AS FRASIER STARES AT NILES CONCERNED HE CROSSES TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT. ROZ ENTERS CARRYING ALICE WHO HAS HER FACE TURNED AWAY FROM FRASIER
FRASIER Roz what are you doing here?
ROZ Take one guess.
ALICE TURNS AROUND TO REVEAL THAT SHE HAS A MARBLE STUCK UP HER NOSTRIL
ALICE Hello Uncle Frasier.
FRASIER Ah.
ROZ
Daphne said you had something that would get it out so I didn't have
to go to the hospital. Can we come in?
FRASIER
I guess so but hurry. I'm having enough trouble impressing these
people as it is without parading children with marbles stuck up their
nostrils through my living room.
ROZ AND ALICE CROSS OVER TO DAPHNE AND MARTIN AT THE SAME TIME THAT NILES DOES, WHO LOOKS IN AN EXTREME AMOUNT OF PAIN
NILES
Okay I've drunk it all and I now have so many blisters in my mouth I
feel like a sheep with foot and mouth disease.
DAPHNE
There's still one left. John has one. Quick get over there before he
drinks it.
NILES Does it really matter?
DAPHNE If you love me.
NILES RUSHES OVER TO JOHN AND SNATCHES HIS CUP OF COFFEE JUST BEFORE HE IS ABOUT TO DRINK IT AND KNOCKS IT BACK IN ONE
JOHN What's going on Crane?
FRASIER Niles what are you doing?
NILES I need the coffee right now. I'll make you another.
ROZ (TO DAPHNE) What's going on?
DAPHNE I'll tell you in a moment.
NILES There I'm done. Does that prove I love you?
DAPHNE
Yes thank you sweetheart. I'll never question your love again. Now go
and sit down and chew on this ice.
DAPHNE HANDS NILES A CUP OF ICE FROM THE BAR. AS NILES SITS DOWN ON THE PIANO STOOL DAPHNE, MARTIN, ROZ AND ALICE EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE, MARTIN, ROZ AND ALICE ENTER
ROZ
Okay what's happening? This is bizarre even for one of Frasier's
parties.
DAPHNE Can I tell her?
MARTIN Sure everyone is likely to find out soon anyway.
ROZ Find out what?
DAPHNE You know his new girlfriend?
ROZ Yeah I saw her. She's gorgeous Marty.
MARTIN
Yeah that's the problem. I was a little nervous about you know stuff.
So I got a couple of pills.
ROZ Pills? Pills? Ah...pills. I'm with you.
DAPHNE Which accidentally got put in one of the cups of coffee.
ROZ
And now it's the game of watching and seeing who got the cup? Well
this should be fun. (LOOKS OUT THE DOOR) I put twenty bucks on the old
guy with the toupee.
MARTIN No we know who got it.
DAPHNE I made Niles drink it all before anyone else did.
ROZ You're kidding?! Does he know what was in it?
DAPHNE
No he doesn't but I think he's about to. Does anyone know how quickly
that stuff works?
ROZ How many pills were in there?
MARTIN Nine.
DAPHNE Nine!?!
ROZ Nine?
ROZ STARTS TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY
DAPHNE All right stop laughing. This is not helping the situation.
ROZ
From past experience I'd say he's going to have a very big reaction if
you know what I mean. And fast.
MARTIN Past experience?
ROZ Sure I used to know Senator Adler.
DAPHNE Well what do we do now?
ROZ Do I have to explain the birds and the bees to you Daphne?
DAPHNE Oh my God!
DAPHNE PUTS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS
MARTIN What are you doing here anyway Roz?
ALICE I got a marble stuck.
DAPHNE You put her on the counter I'll get the tongs.
ROZ PUTS ALICE ON THE COUNTER AS DAPHNE GETS SOME TONGS OUT OF THE DRAWER. SHE THEN TRIES TO PULL THE MARBLE OUT AS FRASIER ENTERS
FRASIER What are you doing?
DAPHNE I'm trying to extract her brain.
ROZ
(TO ALICE) You're so brave. Look Uncle Frasier may not have a pony but
he has swans. So will you please stop doing this now? Otherwise
Mommy's going to go insane and you'll have to live with your scary
Grandma. And remember how much her moustache used to frighten you?
It's grown in a little more since then.
MARTIN It's not budging. You need to pull harder.
FRASIER TAKES THE TONGS OFF DAPHNE AND TRIES HIMSELF
FRASIER Here let me try. And I've got it.
FRASIER FINALLY PULLS IT OUT BUT THE FORCE OF IT MAKES THE MARBLE FLY OUT OF THE ROOM
RESET TO: INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
WE FOLLOW THE MARBLE AS IT FLIES ACROSS THE ROOM AND LANDS RIGHT IN MARGERY'S CLEAVAGE JUST AS FRASIER, ROZ, DAPHNE, MARTIN AND ALICE ENTER. MARGERY DOESN'T NOTICE AND CONTINUES TALKING
FRASIER (CONT'D) Where did it go?
ROZ POINTS TOWARDS MARGERY'S CLEAVAGE
FRASIER (CONT'D) Oh good Lord!
MARTIN Do you want my fishing pole?
FRASIER I think I need a sedative.
FRASIER WALKS OVER TO MARGERY AS NILES BEGINS TO FIDGET IN HIS SEAT. HE SUDDENLY STARTS TO LEARN FORWARD ONTO THE PIANO COVERING HIS LAP FROM VIEW
NILES (CALLS) Daphne. Can I speak to you please?
DAPHNE Here we go.
ROZ I've got to come. This is too much fun to miss.
DAPHNE AND ROZ WALK OVER TO NILES, DAPHNE RATHER RELUCTANTLY BUT ROZ HAS A CERTAIN SPRING IN HER STEP
DAPHNE Yes honey?
NILES I seem to be having a rather odd reaction to the coffee.
DAPHNE I thought you might be.
NILES Is there any particular reason for this?
DAPHNE Yes there is.
NILES Would you care to share it with me?
DAPHNE There may have been a few Viagra tablets in one of the cups.
NILES A few?
DAPHNE All right nine.
NILES' EYES WIDEN AS HE DIGESTS THIS INFORMATION
NILES Why?
DAPHNE
Your father was a bit nervous about his new girlfriend and wanted to
help the situation.
NILES
You know what's alarming? Even that disturbing picture that has just
been thrusted to my head, still hasn't made this problem budge. And
now I'm stuck here for the rest of the night until the party has
finished.
ROZ BEGINS TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY
NILES (CONT'D)
I'm so glad to see you find this so amusing Roz.
ROZ But just think of all the fun you'll have later.
NILES Yes but that's not making it go away right now.
ROZ
Oh Niles lighten up, stop being such a stiff.
ROZ AND DAPHNE BOTH TRY TO HIDE THEIR LAUGHTER
ROZ (CONT'D)
Sorry. Can't you just cover it?
NILES I've had nine tablets. This piano is barely covering it.
ROZ Then I think you're stuck here until the party is over.
NILES I can't stay here for the whole party.
ROZ
Then I'd better warn everyone that you might have their eyes out.
NILES Roz!
ROZ I'm sorry Niles I'm just trying to get a rise out of you.
ROZ AND DAPHNE BOTH START TO LAUGH AGAIN
DAPHNE A rise out of you, that's a good one.
NILES This is all very amusing but what am I going to do?
ROZ SUDDENLY SEES SOME FOOD ON THE TABLE
ROZ Oooh finger foods.
ROZ MOVES OVER TO THE TABLE AND DAPHNE GOES TO FOLLOW HER
NILES (DESPERATE) Daphne don't leave me.
DAPHNE
I've just got to go and make some more coffee and then I'll be back.
Just don't move until I'm back.
AS DAPHNE EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN WE FOCUS ON MARGERY WHO IS TALKING TO KENNETH. FRASIER IS HOVERING NEAR BY TRYING TO SEE THE MARBLE
MARGERY
She's a wonderful talent. That is clear to see. The director wasn't
even aware that she was my daughter when he cast her.
KENNETH
Oh yes because there are so many Von Hassleberger's in the Seattle
area. It's such a common name.
FRASIER BEGINS TO STARE QUITE CLEARLY AT MARGERY'S CLEAVAGE
MARGERY Quite. (TO FRASIER) What are you doing?
FRASIER Nothing.
MARGERY Were you trying to look down my dress?
FRASIER Of course not I was merely admiring your broach.
MARGERY I'm not wearing a broach.
FRASIER
I meant June's broach. I have a lazy eye. From one minute to the next
I don't know who it's looking at.
AS MARGERY TRIES TO COVER HERSELF UP WE FOCUS BACK IN ON NILES WHO IS STILL STUCK AT THE PIANO AND JOHN WHO IS STANDING NEXT TO HIM
JOHN Got enough coffee now Crane?
NILES Yes thank you John.
JOHN
I hate these things. I don't see why we can't just vote and get it
over and done with so I can go home.
NILES I couldn't agree more.
JOHN LOOKS DOWN AT THE FLOOR WHICH CAUSES HIS TOUPEE TO FALL OFF AND LAND AT HIS FEET
JOHN Oh damn.
NILES There's no need to be embarrassed.
JOHN
I'm not Crane. I get embarrassed when it lands in the soup. Would you
mind?
JOHN INDICATES TO NILES TO PICK IT UP
NILES I'd rather not.
JOHN
It doesn't have fleas Crane. Now save an old mans back and pass it
here will you.
NILES OBVIOUSLY CAN NOT MOVE SO INSTEAD STRETCHES AS FAR AS HE CAN AND MANAGES TO JUST PUT HIS FINGER TIPS ON THE TOUPEE
NILES Oh all right. Here you go.
NILES FLICKS THE TOUPEE UP IN THE AIR ONLY FOR IT TO LAND ON MARTIN'S CHAIR NEXT TO EDDIE
NILES (CONT'D) Oh no Eddie.
EDDIE THEN BEGINS TO BITE AND TARE THE TOUPEE AS MARTIN RUSHES OVER TO HIM TO TRY TO GET IT OFF HIM
MARTIN
Eddie give that here! Drop it! What the hell is this? Have you been
digging in Frasier's shower drain again?
EDDIE LETS GO
JOHN That's mine!
JOHN SNATCHES THE TOUPEE OFF MARTIN AND PUTS IT BACK ON HIS HEAD
MARTIN Sorry.
AS DAPHNE ENTERS AGAIN AND GOES TO SIT WITH NILES WE FOCUS IN ON FRASIER TALKING TO ROZ
FRASIER How do I get that back?
ROZ
You're going to have to put your hand down there and yank it out.
FRASIER And you don't think she'll notice that?
ROZ
I didn't say she wouldn't notice it. I said that's what you've got to
do.
FRASIER And how do you suggest I do that?
ROZ
Well normally I'd suggest dinner and movie but since you don't have
time for that, distract her.
FRASIER Distract her how? Ooh look at that man eating bear?
ROZ More like ooh look at the man who's had nine Viagra tablets.
FRASIER What?
ROZ
Never mind just do it. I know try dropping something else down there.
I'll tell you what, I'll do it.
ROZ STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS MARGERY
FRASIER No Roz wait.
ROZ WALKS INTO MARGERY SPILLING HER DRINK ALL OVER HER AND SENDING ALL OF THE ICE CUBES DOWN HER CLEAVAGE
ROZ Oops sorry.
FRASIER I'm so sorry Margery. Here let me get that.
FRASIER MAKES AN ATTEMPT TO RETRIEVE THE ICE CUBES AND THE MARBLE
MARGERY No that's fine Frasier.
FRASIER No really I'm...
MARGERY YANKS FRASIER'S HAND AWAY FROM HER AS EVERYONE QUIETENS DOWN TO LISTEN TO WHAT'S HAPPENING
MARGERY
Frasier! You needn't think that groping me is going to help you get a
seat on the board. On top of what you've said about my daughter and
the damage that swan has done to my cornea I wouldn't cancel my
subscription just yet. So would you please remove your hand from my
cleavage!
FRASIER I'm sorry!
MARGERY I'm leaving. Come on Kenneth, June.
ALL OF THE PARTY GUESTS START TO LEAVE
KENNETH Nice talking to you Crane.
AS MARGERY REACHES FRONT DOOR SHE TURNS TO NILES
MARGERY
Oh Niles. We've still got a vacated seat on the opera board to fill.
Would you like to join us all for a drink?
NILES
(TO DAPHNE AND MARTIN) I'm going to kill you. Sorry Margery but I have
other plans.
MARGERY Suit yourself.
MARGERY EXITS CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HER
FRASIER What plans?
NILES Pouring ice cubes down my pants.
AS FRASIER GIVES THEM A PUZZLED LOOK WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO
CLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER'S APARTMENT IS DARK UNTIL SUDDENLY HE APPEARS FROM HIS ROOM DRESSED IN HIS PYJAMAS AND GRUMPILY PUTS THE LIGHT ON. AFTER HE ADJUSTS HIS EYES TO THE LIGHT HE MARCHES OVER TO THE FRONT DOOR AND PULLS IT OPEN TO REVEAL ROZ HOLDING ALICE WHO HAS SOMETHING STUCK UP HER NOSE YET AGAIN. FRASIER GLARES AT THEM BOTH FOR A WHILE AS ROZ APOLOGISES. FRASIER THEN REACHES OVER TO THE UNIT BY THE FRONT DOOR AND PICKS UP THE PAIR OF TONGS WRAPPED IN A BIG RED BOW. HE HANDS IT TO ROZ BEFORE SHUTTING THE DOOR AND MAKING HIS WAY BACK TO BED.