I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
This episode is based on many family holidays that I've been on since about the age of six to last summer.
Enjoy...
Frasier
Alternative Season Nine Episode Four
A Place In The Sun?
By
Kelly-Simba
ACT ONE
(A)
TITLE CARD: "IT'S MY PARTY AND I'LL USE COASTERS IF I WANT TO"
FADE IN:
INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS LOBBY – NIGHT – DAY/1(Niles, Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Alice, Roz, Frank, Hank, Michael, Carl, Brian, Hal)
NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN ARE ALL STANDING WAITING FOR THE ELEVATOR BY THE DOORS IN THE LOBBY. ALL THREE LOOK DRESSED FOR AN EVENING OUT
NILES
(PRETENDING TO BE OVERLY APOLOGETIC) I'm so sorry about this Dad. I can't believe I left my wallet here. I don't deserve to have one if I can't take care of it. How will I be able to take care of a baby if I can't take care of a wallet?
NILES SLAPS HIS HAND
NILES (CONT'D)
Stupid Niles. (SOTTO TO DAPHNE) Am I over playing it?
DAPHNE
(SOTTO TO NILES) Oh just a tad. You're putting the ham back into Hamlet.
NILES
(SOTTO TO DAPHNE) Okay sweetheart, point taken.
MARTIN
Yeah what's even more amazing is that you managed to leave your wallet in the living room when you haven't even been here today.
NILES
Well...(STRUGGLING FOR AN ANSWER) I must have left it here yesterday.
MARTIN
You didn't come here yesterday either.
NILES
Then it must have been the day before.
MARTIN
You've been without your wallet for three days and didn't notice? What have you done for money? You're not that well dressed mugger I've seen on the news are you?
NILES
Well...I...(DEFENSIVE) what is this twenty questions?
DAPHNE
I brought it here yesterday.
MARTIN
Why?
DAPHNE
Because...because...just because. Don't question me.
THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AS NILES AND DAPHNE GO TO STEP ON BUT MARTIN STAYS WHERE HE IS
MARTIN
I'll wait here while you go and get it.
NILES
(PLEADING) Oh no come up with us.
MARTIN
What for?
NILES
What for? That's a very good question. (PAUSE) Daphne?
DAPHNE
Yes?
NILES
Why does Dad need to come up to the apartment?
DAPHNE
That is a very good question indeed and one that I'll answer when we get up there. So go on. After you old man.
MARTIN SIGHS BEFORE GETTING INTO THE ELEVATOR
NILES
(SOTTO TO DAPHNE) Well this is going well so far don't you think?
DAPHNE
(SOTTO TO NILES) Have you been drinking?
MARTIN
Well are you getting in or not?
NILES
Of course.
NILES AND DAPHNE STEP ONTO THE ELEVATOR BEFORE THE DOORS CLOSE
RESET TO:
INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR – CONTINUOUSMARTIN, NILES AND DAPHNE STAND IN SILENCE FOR A MOMENT GOING UP
MARTIN
So where are we going for dinner?
NILES / DAPHNE
(AT ONCE) The Timber Mill / Chez Henry.
NILES AND DAPHNE STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT AS MARTIN LOOKS ON A LITTLE CONFUSED
NILES
We're going to both. They've merged. It's now called Chez Mill. Its two star food served at five star prices. If you finish the 50-ounce Lobster En Cruet with all the fixin's you get a free desert.
DAPHNE
But does it really matter where we go? Just as long as we're altogether to celebrate your birthday.
MARTIN
I guess.
NILES
(SOTTO TO DAPHNE) Nice save.
THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AND NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN STEP OUT
RESET TO:
INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS 19TH FLOOR CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS
NILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN ENTER OUT INTO THE CORRIDOR
NILES (CONT'D)
(SHOUTS) Well here we are!
MARTIN
What are you shouting for?
NILES GETS HIS KEYS OUT OF HIS POCKET
NILES
(SHOUTS) Was I shouting! I hadn't realised that I was shouting because we'd just arrived outside my brother's front door with my father!
DAPHNE
Don't worry about it. I think its Tourette's Syndrome. He's been doing it a lot recently. We nearly got thrown out of the movies last week.
NILES OPENS FRASIER'S FRONT DOOR AND EXITS INSIDE ALONG WITH DAPHNE AND MARTIN
RESET TO:
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUSNILES, DAPHNE AND MARTIN ENTER INTO A PITCH BLACK LIVING ROOM. SUDDENLY THE LIGHTS ARE SWITCHED ON TO REVEAL THE ROOM FULL OF MARTIN'S FRIENDS ALONG WITH FRASIER, ROZ AND ALICE. THE ROOM IS FULL OF BALLOONS AND A HAPPY BIRTHDAY BANNER.
EVERYONE
Surprise!
MARTIN DOESN'T LOOK TOO SURPRISED
FRASIER
Happy Birthday Dad!
FRASIER AND MARTIN HUG
MARTIN
Thanks son. (DEADPAN TO NILES AND DAPHNE) Wow, what a surprise. I'd never have guessed that something was going on. How did I not realise you two were tricking me into coming up here?
DAPHNE
Oh all right so you were on to us old man, don't rub it in.
NILES
When did you guess?
MARTIN
Probably when I saw all the party food arrive this afternoon.
NILES
You could have said something to us.
NILES TAKES MARTIN AND DAPHNE'S COATS AND HANGS THEM ALL UP ON THE COAT PEG
MARTIN
Yeah but it was too much fun watching you two make idiots of yourselves all evening. Oh and Niles next time you pretend to loose your wallet don't take it out to pay the cab driver.
NILES LOOKS DEPRESSED AS DAPHNE PUTS HER ARM AROUND HIS SHOULDER AND RUBS IT. ALICE WALKS OVER TO MARTIN AND HANDS HIM A COLOURFUL, HOME MADE CARD
ALICE
Happy Birthday Uncle Martin.
MARTIN
Thank you sweetheart. What a great card. Did you make this yourself?
ROZ
Yes she did and now Mommy has the fun task of spending all day tomorrow picking glitter off the dog and Mrs. Hopkins cats.
FRASIER
Twinkles?
ROZ
She certainly does now. Happy Birthday Martin.
ROZ AND MARTIN HUG BEFORE SHE GOES TO GET A DRINK AND FRANK COMES OVER TO THEM
FRANK
Marty. Come here. Happy Birthday.
MARTIN AND FRANK HUG
MARTIN
Hi Frank. Thanks for coming. Wow it looks like virtually the whole precinct is here tonight.
FRANK
All we need is a pot of week old coffee, that strange smell coming from the air conditioning, a couple of busted hookers and that guy who sits outside and talks to his hand to complete the picture.
MARTIN
Hey then we've got a party!
FRASIER
Which raises an interesting point. Just out of curiosity since the precinct has relocated itself to my living room, which Cops are actually safe guarding the city tonight?
FRANK PUTS HIS ARM AROUND FRASIER
FRANK
Think of it this way Frasier, you'll never be safer then you are right now.
FRASIER
And isn't that reassuring. Dad listen I know you've only just arrived and this is your birthday party after all but if you could help regulate our guests a little I'd appreciate it.
MARTIN
How do you mean?
FRASIER
Coasters and ashtrays.
MARTIN TAPS A GLASS TO GET EVERYONE'S ATTENTION
MARTIN
Okay everyone listen up for just a second. Frasier wants me to remind you that there are coasters as ashtrays that he's provided. And enjoy the party.
FRASIER
I meant coasters and ashtrays not coasters as ashtrays!
ROZ STARTS TO LOOK ABOUT THE ROOM BEFORE APPROACHING MARTIN
ROZ
Marty before I try to get handcuffed to any of these guys to get myself a date, which ones are married?
MARTIN
Everyone but Lucy over there.
ROZ
Okay happily married?
MARTIN
Everyone but Judy and Hank.
ROZ
Which ones Hank?
HANK, A RATHER LARGE SWEATY MAN, ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM WAFTING HIS HAND BEHIND HIM
HANK
No one go in the can for at least an hour. Oh man I think that meat sandwich I had for lunch may have been a little bad.
FRANK
I told you not to eat anything just labelled 'meat'. That could have been anything, squirrel, cat and don't forget Mr. Wong lost an arm not so long ago.
ROZ
So Lucy's not married huh?
WE FOCUS IN ON A GROUP OF COPS STANDING BY THE ISLAND, MICHAEL, CARL AND BRIAN. AS THEY TALK FRASIER LISTENS
MICHAEL
I had to have twelve stitches on the back of my head. Until my hair grew back it looked as if I was smiling at everyone.
CARL
That's nothing. This guy came after me with a crowbar. If that had hit me who knows what would have happened.
MICHAEL
It did hit you. You spent six weeks in the hospital eating through a straw and clucking like a chicken.
CARL
You know I have no memory of that.
FRASIER
(TRYING TO BE ONE OF THE GUYS) I suffered a nasty sports related injury once. I was diving to save a point during a game of squash in very acrobatic style when the ball zipped up into the air and hit me right between the eyes. Although the bruise never did make it's way to the surface, it was quite tender for a number of hours.
THEY ALL STARE AT FRASIER
A BEAT
BRIAN
I was training to run the New York marathon. I tripped and broke my leg in three places. By the time I'd crawled to a pay phone to call an ambulance the bone was sticking through my skin.
FRASIER
Ah well I'll just be over there.
AS FRASIER MOVES AWAY WE FOCUS ON FRANK AND HANK WHO ARE TALKING TO DAPHNE AND NILES
FRANK
(TO DAPHNE) Hey there good looking.
FRANK AND DAPHNE HUG BEFORE HE SHAKES HANDS WITH NILES
FRANK (CONT'D)
Niles buddy. You're old man tells us you two kids finally tied the knot. That's great.
NILES
Yes we did. Thank you.
FRANK
How was the honeymoon? Rumour tells it that you pulled your groin. You sly old dog you.
NILES
Yes I did carrying Daphne over the threshold.
FRANK
(DISAPPOINTED) Oh.
NILES
(TO DAPHNE) I should have left out that part shouldn't I?
DAPHNE
You'll know better next time.
FRANK
Marty tells me that you've scored one for all the boys as well. Congratulations.
NILES
Excuse me?
FRANK
One of your boys made it through.
NILES
I don't have any boys.
DAPHNE
He means I'm pregnant.
NILES
(TRYING TO BE MANLY) Oh yes I have. I've scored one for the boys.
FRANK
We're so proud of you Niles. Not everyone can manage it. Hank here has been trying for twelve years and he's still firing blanks.
HANK
It might help if I actually slept with her. (THEN) You don't think you could help me out at all Niles?
NILES
As tempting as that sounds I'm going to have to decline.
FRANK
You surprised us Niles we didn't think you had it in you.
NILES
Thanks. That's really boosted my confidence level.
HANK
Marty's told us how you throw we didn't think you would be able to do any better in this area.
DAPHNE
I'll have you know he does just fine.
NILES
(A LITTLE ALARMED) Just fine?
HANK
Hey you didn't hyperventilate when she told you did you?
NILES
No but I think I'm about to now.
FRANK PUTS HIS ARM AROUND NILES' SHOULDERS
FRANK
Today my son you are a man and no one can take that away from you. There is no prouder moment for a man then when he can look himself in the mirror and say, "I knocked up my broad." Treasure that feeling.
NILES
And I couldn't be more thrilled to be a part of the club as long as this initiation procedure doesn't have some fraternity bra wearing, bush setting on fire quality to it. (TO DAPHNE) Just fine?
DAPHNE
Here we go.
WE FOCUS BACK IN ON THE COPS BY THE ISLAND. NOW ROZ IS TALKING TO A GUY NAMED HAL. FRASIER RATHER NERVOUSLY WATCHES THEM
HAL
So I grabbed him and practically lifted him off the ground.
HAL DEMONSTRATES WHAT HAPPENS WHICH CAUSES HIM TO BUMP INTO THE ISLAND AND NEARLY KNOCKS SOMETHING OVER
FRASIER
Rare fertility God!
FRASIER PICKS UP THE STATUE AND CUDDLES IT
HAL
Then I pinned him up the wall and slapped the cuffs on him.
HAL ONCE AGAIN NEARLY KNOCKS SOMETHING ELSE OFF THE ISLAND
FRASIER
Antique! Antique!
FRASIER PICKS UP ANOTHER STATUE
ROZ
Wow! Who knew under that shirt you had so much muscle? Do you have any other stories like that?
FRASIER
Roz can I speak to you for a moment.
FRASIER LEADS ROZ OVER TO THE FIREPLACE STILL HOLDING HIS STATUES
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Stop encouraging these men to be violent!
ROZ
What did I do? You're in a room full of cops. They're hardly going to have stories about kittens or fairy's. Listen Frasier you've got to calm down before that vein in your forehead bursts again.
ANOTHER GUY WALKS PAST AND PUTS A BEER CAN IN THE CHIHULLI
FRASIER
My Chihulli! Do you mind! That is not a trashcan!
FRASIER REMOVES THE CAN AND HANDS IT TO A MAN
ROZ
Oh who can tell the difference? It looked like crap before. Just relax. How about you give your Dad his present?
FRASIER
That's not a bad idea actually Roz.
FRASIER GOES TO HAND ROZ HIS STATUES
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Here hold these and note that if you drop them I'm holding your daughter as collateral until you've paid for the damage.
ROZ
Fine but just so that you know, she has a habit of putting the food she doesn't want in her pockets and nearby plant pots and drawing on the walls in magic marker.
FRASIER TAKES HIS STATUES BACK AGAIN AND PUTS THEM ON HIS EMS CHAIR
FRASIER
Give them here.
EDDIE COMES RUNNING OVER AND TRIES TO JUMP ON THE CHAIR
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Don't even think about it.
FRASIER TAKES AN ENVELOPE OUT OF HIS JACKET POCKET AND WALKS OVER TO MARTIN BY THE LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE COUCH. HE IS SOON JOINED BY ROZ, NILES AND DAPHNE
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Dad. Here you go. Happy Birthday.
MARTIN
What's this?
FRASIER HANDS MARTIN THE ENVELOPE
FRASIER
This year to stop the endless one-up-man's-ship between Niles and I...
NILES
You started it.
FRASIER
I did not.
NILES
Did to.
FRASIER
I most certainly did not.
ROZ
Frasier!
FRASIER
Oh right. We decided to chip in together this year on your present. This is from all three of us.
MARTIN OPENS THE ENVELOPE AND PRODUCES SOME AIRLINE TICKETS
MARTIN
Tickets?
FRASIER
Well you know how much you've always wanted to go back down to Florida to do some more fishing, well here's your chance. We came up with the idea after wine club and decided to book it before we sobered up and came to our senses. We leave on Friday for one week of sun, sea and sand.
MARTIN
Oh this is great! Thank you so much. All of you. But there are six tickets here.
ROZ
Alice and I are tagging along if you don't mind.
MARTIN
The more the merrier. This is fantastic.
FRASIER
I'm glad you like it Dad.
ROZ
Do you think this is actually such a good idea? The six of us cooped up together on a fishing trip.
DAPHNE
I can't help but remember the holidays my family used to go on as a child. They'd be ten of us in one caravan in the middle of Wales. Well except when Dad used to disappear into the toilet with a newspaper, then we'd all run outside. Mum and I used to huddle around the fire while the boys tried to catch a sheep.
THEY ALL STARE AT DAPHNE FOR A MOMENT
FRASIER
As long as there's alcohol we'll be fine. Daphne a quick word in your ear.
FRASIER PULLS DAPHNE TO ONE SIDE
DAPHNE
What's the matter?
FRASIER
I thought I'd better prepare you now. I couldn't get us into first class on any airline so we're flying coach.
DAPHNE
That fine it doesn't bother me.
FRASIER POINTS AT NILES WHO AT THAT MOMENT IS WIPING DOWN A SECTION OF THE COUCH WITH HIS HANDKERCHIEF WHICH HANK HAS JUST BEEN SITTING ON BEFORE HE SITS DOWN
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Ah.
FRASIER
I thought I'd warn you in case you wanted to slip him a sedative before we get to the airport.
DAPHNE
Oh don't worry about it he'll be fine.
CUT TO:
(B)
INT. COACH COMPARTMENT OF AN AEROPLANE – DAY – DAY/2(Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Martin, Roz, Stewardess, Man, Old Lady, Woman)
ON THE PLANE MARTIN SITS IN THE MIDDLE SECTION OF THE PLANE WITH AN A SLEEPING WOMAN SITTING ON HIS LEFT AND FRASIER ON HIS RIGHT. TO THE RIGHT OF THEM DAPHNE SITS ON THE ISLE NEXT TO NILES WHO IS ROCKING BACK AND FORTH IN HIS SEAT. NEXT TO NILES IS AN EMPTY SEAT BY THE WINDOW
DAPHNE
Niles honey if you don't sit still and calm down I'm going to have to strangle you!
NILES
What part of that was supposed to calm me down?
DAPHNE
Honey?
NILES
I'm beginning to feel claustrophobic. These seats are smaller then the ones on a public bus. But without the safety features.
DAPHNE
And when was the last time you were on a bus?
NILES
That's not important right now. At least you've got your entire seat to yourself.
DAPHNE
No I haven't because I've got you clinging to me like a spider monkey in heat. Now if it were affectionately I wouldn't mind but I am not a life preserver.
NILES
Don't blame me, blame the rather rotund hairy man sitting next to me. He's spilling over into my seat.
DAPHNE
(TO FRASIER) Can I switch with you?
FRASIER
Are you kidding? I had to cope with this for eleven hours across the Atlantic last summer when you were in Manchester.
NILES
Don't you find it offensive the way that they herd you on here like cattle? I mean for that man wearing the beer can hat and the Hooters T-shirt it's fine but not for someone of my social standing.
DAPHNE
Just be thankful you have an American passport. I still have to travel on my British one, which means that even though we're married I'm still technically a foreigner, which means I still get strip-searched at the boarding gate by the large loafer wearing woman. When I saw her pull that long wooden stick out I was just getting ready to bend over the table and grit my teeth when I realised that it was used to look through my hand baggage.
NILES
Do they offer you a drink before takeoff? No! You have to wait forty minutes to have a bag of peanuts hurtling towards your head at break neck speed and a drink dropped in your lap by the Gestapo stewardesses.
MARTIN CLOSES HIS EYES IN FRUSTRATION
MARTIN
Niles why don't you just watch the movie and shut the hell up?
NILES
I don't want to watch the movie.
MARTIN
Then why don't you just shut the hell up?
ROZ ENTERS FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN AT THE FRONT OF THE CABIN
ROZ
Oh hi guys.
NILES
(SUSPICIOUS) Roz what were you doing behind that curtain?
DAPHNE
Oh no.
ROZ
Just...going for a walk.
NILES
But that's the first class curtain. When I tried to go behind there they threw me out like I attended Monster Truck Rally's and drank beer from a can.
FRASIER
They never saw her.
ROZ
That's right they never saw me.
NILES
Then where's your seat?
A BEAT
ROZ
Right at the back of the plane.
NILES
Show me.
ROZ
(CRUMBLING) Oh all right fine, Alice and I have been bumped up to the last available first class seats.
MARTIN PUSHES THE BUTTON TO CALL FOR A STEWARDESS
NILES
What?!
FRASIER
Sedatives! Sedatives! I did warn you.
NILES
I don't believe this!
THE STEWARDESS WALKS DOWN TO MARTIN
STEWARDESS
Can I help you Sir?
MARTIN
You don't happen to have an ejector seat on board do you?
STEWARDESS
I'm afraid not.
MARTIN
I didn't think so but I just thought I'd check.
FRASIER
Niles will you just calm down. We're nearly there now. I'd prefer to be up there as well but do you see me complaining?
THE STEWARDESS HANDS FRASIER A BRANDY
STEWARDESS
Here's your brandy Sir.
FRASIER
Thank you.
FRASIER STARTS TO DRINK HIS BANDY WITH ONE LARGE GULP
DAPHNE
Where's Alice?
ROZ
She's asleep.
MARTIN
Ah I remember when you kids were small enough to curl up on an aeroplane seat and go to sleep in your little slumber masks. And your Mom knew just how to cheer me up. "Don't worry Marty, no one will know they're pretentious. People will think they like the Lone Ranger."
ROZ
She doesn't need to curl up. Our seats lie completely flat like beds. Who needs a bathroom to join the Mile High Club in first class? It's like they're encouraging it.
NILES
What?! You have beds when we have chairs that recline a quarter of an inch and a blanket that looks and smells like it's been made from a retirement home bed spread?
ROZ
But that's nothing. There's actually a bar through there. I've done myself a little flirting.
NILES BEGINS TO ROCK EVEN MORE THEN BEFORE
DAPHNE
Sweetheart I'm begging you unclench before you snap in two.
ROZ
I was the same. I felt a bit tense when I got on board but then the masseuse came around...
FRASIER
There's a masseuse?! (SHOUTS) Stewardess can I have another brandy please?
NILES
(SHOUTS) Make that two.
ROZ
Well as long as you guys are fine back here I'd better get back. They're bringing around the first course soon.
ROZ EXITS BACK BEHIND THE CURTAIN
FRASIER
Our first course consisted of something that was formally salad. Oh wait that was our only course. (TO MARTIN WHO'S EYES ARE STILL CLOSED) How can you sleep in this hellish compartment?
MARTIN
It's better then hearing you two whine.
A RATHER LARGE MAN ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM AT THE FRONT OF THE CABIN AND SQUEEZES PAST NILES AND DAPHNE TO SIT BACK BY THE WINDOW
MAN
Excuse me.
THE MAN ACCIDENTALLY SITS ON NILES BEFORE SLIDING OVER TO HIS SEAT
MAN (CONT'D)
Oops sorry about that.
ONCE SEATED THE MAN TAKES A BAG OF POTATO CHIPS FROM HIS BAG AND STARTS TO EAT THEM
MAN (CONT'D)
(TO NILES) I'm sorry would you like one?
NILES
Not even if you paid me.
DAPHNE LEANS CLOSELY AND STARTS TO SPEAK REALLY QUIETLY TO NILES INTO HIS EAR
DAPHNE
You know I've thought of something that may make you relax a little more and enjoy the flight.
NILES
What?
DAPHNE ARCHES HER EYEBROWS AND STARTS TO PLAY WITH THE BUTTONS ON HIS SHIRT
DAPHNE
Oh I think you can guess. (THEN) Fancy joining the club?
NILES
Even though I'm only "just fine"?
DAPHNE
I didn't want to make those guys jealous.
NILES
Are you serious?
DAPHNE
When am I not?
NILES
Where?
DAPHNE
In the bathroom obviously. We can't exactly do it in the cockpit even though it is aptly named for the occasion.
NILES
We won't fit. Dad nearly knocked himself out on the door picking up his trousers.
DAPHNE
Oh believe me we'll fit. We should take advantage of it while we can since it won't be long before I'm so fat I won't be able to get in there on my own.
NILES
This isn't setting a very good example for our child.
DAPHNE
Trust me, even if it was aware I don't think it'd mind that mommy and daddy were getting a little.
NILES
But it's the bathroom. Isn't that a little dirty?
DAPHNE
And it's the coach bathroom. It's even dirtier. Come on try living dangerously for once in your life. Would it change your mind if I said I wasn't wearing any underwear?
NILES
I'm beginning to warm to the idea.
DAPHNE
I thought you might do.
DAPHNE KISSES HIM
NILES
If you can be quick I can be quiet.
DAPHNE
No you can't so it's a good job the engines are noisy. Wait a couple of minutes and then come down and knock on the door.
DAPHNE STANDS AND MAKES HER WAY TOWARDS THE FRONT OF THE CABIN. JUST AS SHE REACHES THE BATHROOM DOOR ROZ ENTERS FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN
ROZ
Hey Daphne come here. You've got to look at this.
ROZ PULLS BACK THE CURTAIN SO THAT DAPHNE CAN SEE
DAPHNE
Good lord it's like we're at Fox and Whistle.
ROZ
But there aren't any fistfights.
DAPHNE
Or men relieving themselves in the corner.
ROZ
Wait until the party gets started first.
ROZ AND DAPHNE EXIT BEHIND THE CURTAIN AS WE FOCUS BACK IN ON NILES
MAN
(TO NILES) So I hear you're going to join the club.
NILES LOOKS AROUND FOR THE PERSON THAT THE MAN IS TALKING TO UNTIL FINALLY REALISING THAT HE'S TALKING TO HIM
NILES
Excuse me?
MAN
Is that your wife?
NILES
As a matter of fact it is.
MAN
Nice. My advice to you is wait for turbulence. You'll have less work to do. Just don't let the stewardess catch you. When I joined we were caught because the latch on the door accidentally got knocked open with my elbow. The Stewardess made us confess to a minister that just happened to be on board. I spent the last four hours of my flight reading from the Bible and doing Hail Mary's.
NILES
Well that's a very interesting story but that wasn't what we were talking about. (THEN) Now if you'll excuse me, I need to use the bathroom.
NILES STANDS AND WALKS QUICKLY DOWN TO THE BATHROOM. AFTER A QUICK LOOK AROUND TO MAKE SURE NO ONE IS WATCHING NILES KNOCKS ON THE DOOR
NILES (CONT'D)
Knock, knock. Open up. (WITH A DEEP VOICE) Ma'am I have your membership card ready. Would you like to join the club?
SUDDENLY THE DOOR OPENS AND A LITTLE OLD LADY ENTERS ADJUSTING HER GLASSES
OLD LADY
Is this included in the price of my ticket?
NILES
I'm sorry I seem to have...
OLD LADY
You'll have to be quick before my husband wakes up.
NILES
No, no I'm afraid...
OLD LADY
There's no need to be I won't bite. They're not my real dentures.
SHE THEN POINTS TO AN OLD MAN ASLEEP A FEW ROWS BACK
OLD LADY (CONT'D)
And don't worry about him, he won't mind. Let's face it the only thing that he can rise in the air these days is his fishing pole and then he struggles to get it past a 45-degree angle.
NILES
No you don't understand...
DAPHNE ENTERS FROM AROUND THE CURTAIN AND NILES GRABS HOLD OF HER
NILES (CONT'D)
Daphne!
DAPHNE
What's going on?
NILES
(TO THE OLD LADY) If you'll excuse me I need to talk to my wife.
NILES AND DAPHNE MOVE BACK DOWN TOWARDS THEIR SEATS
DAPHNE
What's the matter?
THEY SIT BACK DOWN
NILES
I may never have sex again. I just hit on an old lady.
FRASIER
If I only had a dollar for every time I heard that story.
NILES
Where were you?
DAPHNE
Sorry I got distracted. Roz was showing me around the first class compartment. They have seventeen different types of beer behind that bar. I've got to show your father.
DAPHNE STANDS AND SIGNALS MARTIN BEFORE THEY BOTH EXIT BEHIND THE CURTAIN
MAN
What's the matter? Couldn't rise to the occasion buddy? Don't worry it happens to the best of us.
THE MAN GIVES NILES A REASSURING TAP ON THE ARM
NILES
Then I'll just add that to my list of reasons to die.
FRASIER
You got further then I did. Lilith and I argued about who would go to the toilet first. By the time we'd made up after I'd called her a harpy and a control freak, the landing gear was down in more ways then one.
NILES
Why do I get the impression that this trip is going to be a total disaster.
FRASIER
Don't worry Niles. Things are bound to look up...sorry. Things will look better when we get there.
AS FRASIER GIVES NILES A REASSURING TAP ON THE ARM WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
TITLE CARD: "DR. FRASIER CRANE – PSYCHIC"
FADE IN:
INT. HOLIDAY HOME – DAY – DAY/3(Niles, Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Roz, Alice)
WE FOCUS IN ON A WINDOW. THROUGH IT WE CAN SEE RAIN COMING DOWN SO HARD THAT IT'S STARTING TO FLOOD AND WIND THAT IS NEARLY BLOWING THE TRESS OVER. FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE, MARTIN, ROZ AND ALICE ALL STARE OUTSIDE LOOKING MISERABLE
NILES
Do you have any other psychic visions Frasier?
FRASIER
I can't be right all of the time.
MARTIN
No but some of the time would be nice.
AS FRASIER SIGHS AND CONTINUES TO LOOK OUT THE WINDOW WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
(D)
FADE IN:
INT. HOLIDAY HOME – DAY – DAY/3(Martin, Daphne, Roz, Frasier, Niles, Alice, Eddie)
FOR THE FIRST TIME WE NOW SEE THE HOUSE IN MORE DETAIL WHICH IS BASICALLY ONE LARGE ROOM. ON THE RIGHT HAND WALL TOWARDS THE TOP IS THE FRONT DOOR. MARTIN SITS ON A STOOL IN A PAIR OF RUBBER FISHING PANTS HOLDING HIS FISHING POLE AND LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW IN THE DOOR WITH EDDIE ASLEEP AT HIS FEET. NEXT TO THAT IS A LARGE WINDOW THAT SPREADS DOWN THE REST OF THE WALL AND INTO THE KITCHEN AREA. THE KITCHEN AREA CONSISTS OF A COOKER, SINK, DISHWASHER, FREEZER AND SEVERAL CUPBOARDS. AT THE END OF THE KITCHEN IS A BAR WITH THREE STOOLS WHERE DAPHNE AND ROZ ARE SITTING WITH NILES STANDING BEHIND DAPHNE RUBBING HER SHOULDERS. IN THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM IS A STAIRCASE THAT GOES UP AND ANOTHER DOOR, WITH A SMALL CUPBOARD NEXT TO THAT. FRASIER SITS ON THE BOTTOM STEP WATCHING THE RAIN. THE WHOLE OF THE LEFT HAND WALL IS MADE UP OF BALCONY DOORS SHOWING THE WIND AND THE RAIN. NEAREST TO US ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE IS A DINNING TABLE AND SIX CHAIRS. BEYOND THAT IS A COUCH AND TWO CHAIRS AIMING AT A TELEVISION SET. ALICE SITS ON THE COUCH WITH HER EYES FIXED ON THE TELEVISION. NEXT TO THE TELEVISION ARE THREE MORE DOORS LEADING TO TWO OTHER BEDROOMS WITH A BATHROOM IN THE MIDDLE.
MARTIN
I've never seen rain like it. There's actually a river starting to flow underneath the house. Too bad there aren't any fish in it.
DAPHNE
Why don't you hang your fishing rod out the window anyway? You might be able to catch something. Even if it's a washed away little old lady. You might catch yourself a date.
ROZ
Frasier didn't you check the Weather Channel at all?
FRASIER
Yes Roz but unfortunately the Weather Channel at this time is unable to predict that a Tropical Storm will side swipe the entire state of Florida six weeks in advance when I booked this trip. Maybe if they fired a few of those trained meteorologists and hired a few psychics and tea readers to take over I'd be able to know the exact temperature for the next Fourth of July and what the love of my life is going to look like in tea leaves.
DAPHNE
Who knew these storms could do so much damage.
FRASIER
Oh yes if only Hurricane Andrew could have tipped us all off.
NILES WALKS OVER TO THE WINDOW NEXT TO MARTIN AND LOOKS OUT
MARTIN
Why did it have to hit here of all places? Isn't it some other states turn to get one of these?
DAPHNE
Well Nevada did bid to hold the next one but they didn't have the financial backing to support its move to the Gulf Coast like an Olympic bid.
FRASIER
Let's just call this punishment for the millions of old people unable to mark a simple ballot paper correctly. We should just be grateful that they haven't seen the need to evacuate us. And Niles will you stop looking at the car. It's fine.
NILES
What if it gets stolen?
FRASIER
In this weather?
NILES
Have you never heard of looters? There could be a gang waiting in the bushes ready to pounce.
FRASIER
Yes an elderly Jewish gang known as Oy in the Hood.
NILES TURNS AROUND AND PULLS A FACE LIKE HE'S SMELLING SOMETHING
ROZ
Niles what is your problem? You've been pulling that same pained expression for the last hour. Anyone would think you had to endure the rubber glove treatment at the airport during a random drug search.
NILES
After flying across the country in coach that would be the icing on the cake.
NILES WALKS BACK OVER TO DAPHNE AND STARTS TO RUB HER SHOULDERS AGAIN
ROZ
Will you let it go already. I couldn't enjoy the experience thanks to you. It was so hard to take advantage of the free flowing champagne when I could sense you whining behind me.
NILES
Champagne?!
DAPHNE PUTS HER HANDS ON NILES' HANDS
DAPHNE
Count to ten.
NILES
I'm fine now, but what is that awful smell?
MARTIN
I've already hosed these pants down and scrapped the eyes and scales from the traction. I'd hose them down again but they'd loose all character.
NILES
No it's not that it's that musty greasy smell? I can feel it clogging up my pours as I speak. We'll all need a facial when we leave.
MARTIN
I don't smell anything.
FRASIER STANDS AND STARTS TO WALK AROUND THE ROOM BEFORE LEANING UP AGAINST A KITCHEN CUPBOARD
FRASIER
I smell it. It reminds me of...McGinty's. Wait I know what that is. It's the smell that wafts from the kitchen's deep fat fryer every time the door swings open and before the waiter with pink eye throws your food at you. Suddenly Dad's frequent upset stomachs make sense.
NILES
The dreaded onion loaf smell. Seven trips to the dry cleaners and they still haven't been able to rid my blue blazer of it. It's possessed. Now every time I wear it Eddie looks at me like I'm a pork chop.
DAPHNE
It's certainly a smell to quell your appetite. Permanently.
NILES
Where's it coming from?
ROZ
My guess would be from the kitchen's deep fat fryer but hey I'm not a doctor.
NILES
I've got to get away from it. It's making me go dizzy.
NILES CROSSES TO THE LEFT OF THE BEDROOM DOORS ON THE BACK WALL AND EXITS INSIDE BEFORE CLOSING THE DOOR
NILES (CONT'D)
(OFF STAGE) Uh-oh.
FRASIER
Uh-oh what?
NILES ENTERS FROM THE ROOM
NILES
It seems to be following me. It's in this room with me! It's like it has a life of it's own. Frasier we must destroy this smell before it destroys our sense of smell and the joys of wine tasting for us forever. Do you think we'd be able to get an Exorcist to come out in this weather?
MARTIN
Yeah just check the Yellow Pages under 'Loon' and I'm sure you'll find an Exorcist to come out in the middle of a Tropical Storm and rid the house of a grease smell.
NILES SITS DOWN NEXT TO DAPHNE
NILES
Are you making fun of me?
MARTIN
It's so hard to tell, I do it so often these days.
ROZ
I'm hungry. Do you think the pizza delivery guy will come out in this?
DAPHNE
Try them.
ROZ STANDS AND WALKS TO THE PHONE LOCATED NEXT TO THE REFRIGERATOR. SHE READS A NUMBER WRITTEN ON A PIECE OF PAPER ON THE DOOR AND DIALS
ROZ
(ON THE PHONE) Hi. I was wondering do you deliver? I see. Okay. Thank you.
ROZ HANGS UP THE PHONE BEFORE STANDING NEXT TO FRASIER
FRASIER
What did they say?
ROZ
No we don't deliver. We do chicken, ham, pepperoni and anchovies.
DAPHNE
Which means?
ROZ
I doubt he'd be able to find his car keys let alone this house in a storm. So it looks like we're eating what's left from the welcome package. Who wants the lemon and who wants to suck on a tea bag?
FRASIER
As tempting as they both sound, I'll just pass.
DAPHNE
(TO MARTIN) How long exactly are you going to stay in those rubber pants? The way you're clutching your pole you look like an oversized garden gnome.
MARTIN
I only wear them when I fish. And I need to be ready for when the sky clears so I can go straight outside and catch me a big old catfish.
FRASIER
We're hours into a Tropical Storm. It takes you three days to put those on?
MARTIN
The sky is going to clear any minute now I can feel it.
FRASIER
Yes Dad except that will be the eye of the storm.
MARTIN
Oh it's not that bad its only side swiped us.
ROZ
Are you kidding? I've never seen wind like this in my life. I'm still waiting to see a cow fly past the window.
ROZ CROSSES TO THE DINNING ROOM TABLE AND SITS DOWN. SHE THEN PICKS UP A LAMP AND A SILVER REFLECTIVE BOARD FROM OFF THE FLOOR IN AN ATTEMPT TO GET A SUN TAN.
NILES
Why have you even bought big rubber pants anyway Dad?
MARTIN
Because I'm going to be fishing. When you fish you need rubber-fishing pants.
NILES
When it settles down it'll be over 90 degrees out there.
MARTIN
I need to wade into the water a little.
FRASIER
If you wade out there you'll be wading into the mouth of an alligator. You do realise all of these waters connect to the Everglades?
MARTIN
I know. Fancy taking a swim?
ROZ SWITCHES ON THE LIGHT BULB AND REFLECTS THE LIGHT ON HER FACE WITH THE BOARD
NILES
(TO ROZ) What is that?
ROZ
It's a light bulb. I came here to get a tan and I'm going away with one, one way or another.
NILES
Really? I just thought you'd decided to sear everyone's retinas.
AS NILES RUBS HIS EYES ROZ TURNS THE BULB OFF
ROZ
Well what are we going to do until the storm clears?
FRASIER CROSSES TO THE COUCH AND PICKS UP THE TV REMOTE CONTROL
FRASIER
We could watch some TV.
FRASIER SWITCHES CHANNELS, WHICH CAUSES ALICE TO LET OUT A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM. FRASIER SWITCHES CHANNELS BACK AGAIN AND ALICE STOPS
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Or not. I see Alice is fine.
NILES
And so are her lungs. I only thought dolphins could reach such a high pitch.
ROZ
I know it's amazing isn't it. Someone who can scream louder then you can Niles. I didn't think that was possible.
NILES
I've told you I saw a beast in our room.
DAPHNE
It was a tiny cockroach.
NILES
Exactly. Doesn't it alarm you that we're staying in a house that has cockroaches squatting in it?
MARTIN
It's the snakes coming up through the toilet seat that you should worry about. I saw it on a 60 Minutes special. Cottonmouth Snakes. And when those things bite you, they won't let go in a hurry.
NILES
Snakes? Well there's a trip to the hospital to look forward to when my kidneys finally explode.
FRASIER
You've brought a suitcase full of insect repellent. Surely you must have something for cockroaches in there.
NILES
I've already let off my two roach bombs in there but it seems to have super human strength. I passed out from the fumes but the cockroach seemed to just inhale it. That thing could snort anthrax and I don't think it would kill it.
DAPHNE
I told you I'd have caught it myself if you hadn't let those bombs off in there you big baby. I couldn't risk the baby with those fumes.
FRASIER
Niles you really need to see someone about this bug phobia of yours.
NILES
I don't have a bug phobia. I just don't want them anywhere near me. Or to even look at them. Or know that they exist at all.
FRASIER
Oh yes there's no phobia there.
NILES STANDS AND WALKS OVER TO THE OTHER BEDROOM DOOR
NILES
I wonder if it's safe to go back in there again. Eddie? Eddie come here boy. Come on.
MARTIN
Leave him.
NILES
What did we bring him for then if not to protect us from the local wildlife?
NILES EXITS INSIDE THE BEDROOM. HE IMMEDIATELY ENTERS AGAIN COUGHING AND SHUTS THE DOOR
NILES (CONT'D)
You'd best leave it another hour.
FRASIER
Why are your eyes watering?
NILES
I think I've gone blind.
NILES SITS BACK DOWN NEXT TO DAPHNE AND SHE RUBS HIS FACE
FRASIER
Oh for heaven sake I'll open up the window.
AS FRASIER EXITS INSIDE ROZ CROSSES OVER AND SITS ON THE BACK OF THE COUCH BEHIND ALICE AND STARTS TO STROKE HER HAIR. ALICE DOESN'T TAKE HER EYES OFF THE TELEVISION
ROZ
What are you watching Alice?
ALICE
TV.
ROZ
What programme?
ALICE
Bear.
ROZ
Do you want anything to eat?
ALICE
No.
FRASIER ENTERS AND SITS AT THE DINNING TABLE AS NILES CROSSES OVER TO THE BATHROOM DOOR AND PEERS INSIDE
ROZ
I can't help but notice my sweet baby girl has become an obnoxious teenager nine years too early and right in front of my eyes.
MARTIN
Be grateful for that phase. Treasure the silent treatment, my boys never stopped talking to me.
DAPHNE
Well what are we going to do for the rest of the day? We can't go anywhere and...(TO NILES) what are you doing now?
NILES
Just checking the bathroom.
DAPHNE
For what exactly?
NILES
Something small and slimy.
MARTIN
Niles I was just kidding with you there aren't really any snakes that come up through the toilets.
NILES
Really?
ROZ
No. They're really more of an alligator.
NILES SITS BACK DOWN NEXT TO DAPHNE
DAPHNE
Do you think it's possible you could all stop being vile to each other for just an hour? We're on vacation. This is supposed to be fun and yet there are sieges that are less hostile then this house.
ROZ
It depends. Can we get drunk first?
MARTIN
All this watching the rain is making me thirsty. I need a beer.
MARTIN PUTS HIS FISHING POLE DOWN, WALKS OVER TO THE REFRIGERATOR AND OPENS IT
MARTIN (CONT'D)
Oh my God! There's no beer. Someone stole the beer! Where did all the beer go?
FRASIER
I can hazard a guess, inside you.
MARTIN
But there has to be some more. Just one can?
FRASIER
Sorry but you've drunk it all.
MARTIN
Then let's go down to the grocery store.
FRASIER
Or not. As much as I'd like to meet a talking scarecrow and lion, I'm not being whisked off to the Land of Oz for the sake of a six-pack.
DAPHNE
Isn't there some sort of game we could play to pass the time?
ROZ
Well since we're no longer allowed to abuse one another I think I saw some games in the cupboard.
NILES OPENS THE CUPBOARD AND LOOKS INSIDE
NILES
I'll have a look.
SUDDENLY NILES SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT AND STARTS TO RUN ACROSS THE ROOM
NILES (CONT'D)
Oh my God! Run!
DAPHNE
What's the matter?
NILES
Cockroach! Cockroach! Daphne get behind me.
AS DAPHNE LIFTS HER FEET OFF THE FLOOR NILES JUMPS UP ONTO THE COUCH. AS HE LANDS HE PUTS HIS FEET ON THE TV REMOTE CONTROL, TURNING IT OFF. THE MOMENT IT SWITCHES OFF ALICE STARTS TO SCREAM
NILES (CONT'D)
Don't worry, don't worry sweetie. I won't let it get you Alice honey.
DAPHNE
It's not that you big dope the TV's gone off.
ROZ
Calm down sweetie. There you go.
ROZ GRABS THE REMOTE FROM UNDER NILES' FOOT AND SWITCHES THE TV BACK ON AS ALICE STOPS SCREAMING
ROZ (CONT'D)
Could you be a bigger girl?
NILES
Alice screamed as well.
ROZ
That's because she's four years old and you were screaming and running towards her like a man possessed. That'd scare the hell out of me.
NILES
I take your point but how about we debate and mock my gender when there is no longer a man-eating beast lurking in the cupboard.
FRASIER
Let me see.
NILES
Be careful Frasier. Take Dad's cane to defend yourself.
FRASIER CAREFULLY OPENS THE CUPBOARD AND LOOKS INSIDE
FRASIER
Oh my God!
NILES
I told you! I told you! Kill it Frasier. Sacrifice Eddie if you have to.
MARTIN
Hey!
FRASIER
It's a checker piece.
NILES
A what?
FRASIER
It's a checker!
FRASIER BENDS DOWN AND PICKS UP A BLACK CHECKER PIECE
NILES
But it had beady little eyes.
ROZ
So do you. Could you be anymore pathetic?
NILES GETS DOWN OFF THE COUCH AS MARTIN PICKS UP SOME EMPTY BEER CANS FROM THE GARBAGE AND TRIES TO DRAIN ANY LAST DROPS FROM THEM INTO A GLASS
NILES
I'm sorry but I'd already seen one genetically engineered cockroach today. What's that expression once bitten, twice shy?
MARTIN
Your mother and I were like that after Frasier was born but we overcame it and thought we couldn't possible have two children like it. Then you came along.
FRASIER
How flattering.
DAPHNE
I thought we were all going to be nice to one another?
FRASIER
(OVERLY CHEERY) And so we are. Say Dad what are you doing?
MARTIN
Getting myself a drink. If I'm lucky I might be able to drain half a glass from these cans.
FRASIER
(OVERLY CHEERY) I see. That's either a sign of madness or that you'll be needing a liver transplant soon.
DAPHNE GLARES AT FRASIER
FRASIER (CONT'D)
(TO DAPHNE) What? I said it nicely.
NILES STARTS TO LOOK THROUGH THE CUPBOARD
NILES
There aren't many games in here. Just twenty thousands years worth of dust. I don't think this shelf has been touched since the Stone Age.
DAPHNE
There must be something in there we can play.
ROZ AND DAPHNE BOTH GO TO LOOK IN THE CUPBOARD
NILES
How about count the dust bunnies?
ROZ PULLS OUT A BOX COVERED IN DUST
ROZ
What's this?
ROZ BLOWS THE DUST OFF THE BOX ALL OVER NILES
ROZ (CONT'D)
Oops sorry Niles. It's a jigsaw puzzle. Two little kittens.
ROZ TAKES OFF THE COVER TO THE BOX
ROZ (CONT'D)
Well it should be according to the box.
DAPHNE
What do you mean it should be?
ROZ
Someone's done the puzzle, but it's not the one on the box.
DAPHNE AND NILES LOOK IN THE BOX
DAPHNE
Then what is it? Good Lord. Look at that!
FRASIER
What is it?
FRASIER CROSSES TO THEM AND LOOKS IN THE BOX
ROZ
If you want to remain feeling like a man, I wouldn't look if I were you. It won't do much for your confidence.
FRASIER
What does that mean? Ah I see.
DAPHNE
That's not a five o'clock shadow that's an eclipse.
FRASIER
I've never felt so emasculated in my life.
DAPHNE
Isn't that a little dangerous? He could have someone's eye out.
NILES
But more alarmingly what kind of people have been staying here that would buy that puzzle, build it in a box with kittens on the front and then leave it here?
ROZ PULLS ANOTHER BOX FROM THE CUPBOARD
ROZ
At least we've found something to spend the rest of the day doing.
FRASIER
Yes disinfecting the beds and linen.
ROZ
No I meant this. Twister.
NILES
Twister?
A BEAT
FRASIER
But we're doctors.
ROZ
So?
NILES
Please be kidding.
ROZ
Do you have any better ideas?
FRASIER
For some reason making a swim for it seems to be becoming more appealing by the minute.
AS ROZ OPENS THE BOX AND STARTS TO PULL THE MAT OUT WE:
FADE OUT
(E)
FADE IN:
INT. HOLIDAY HOME – DAY – DAY/3(Daphne, Niles, Roz, Frasier, Martin, Alice, Eddie)
DAPHNE REMAINS SITTING ON A STOOL AT THE BAR HOLDING THE SPINNER FOR THE TWISTER GAME. THE TWISTER MAT IS NOW SPREAD OUT ON THE FLOOR WITH FRASIER, NILES AND ROZ ATTEMPTING TO PLAY. ALL THREE OF THEM ARE ON ALL FOURS WITH BOTH HANDS AND FEET ON COLOURED CIRCLES. FRASIER HAS HIS HEAD RATHER NEAR TO NILES' REAR. MARTIN CONTINUES TO SIT BY THE WINDOW BUT WATCHING THE GAME RATHER THEN THE RAIN NOW ALONG WITH EDDIE. ALICE REMAINS WATCHING THE TELEVISION. DAPHNE SPINS THE BOARD
DAPHNE
Niles right foot blue.
NILES LOOKS FOR THE COLOUR
NILES
Okay. Daphne you know how we talked about after this little bundle of joy is born having another in the future?
DAPHNE
Yes.
NILES
Well that's no longer going to be a possibility if I try to stretch my leg that far. Can't you spin it again?
ROZ
No that's cheating. Here let me help you.
ROZ TAKES NILES' LEG AND STRETCHES IT ACROSS SO THAT IT'S ON A BLUE CIRCLE CAUSING HIM TO ALMOST DO THE SPLITS
NILES
(WITH A TEAR IN HIS EYE AND A SLIGHTLY HIGHER PITCHED VOICE) Thanks Roz. I thought that was going to be painful but you made it excruciating.
DAPHNE
This isn't playing nicely boys and girls.
FRASIER
Niles for the last time will you move your posterior from out of my face!
NILES
I can't help it!
ROZ
Will you two stop arguing and just move!
DAPHNE
I told you this would all end in tears.
FRASIER
Only if my legs slip.
DAPHNE SPINS THE BOARD AGAIN
DAPHNE
Roz right hand yellow.
ROZ
Okay. This is going to be difficult.
ROZ STRETCHES HER ARM BETWEEN NILES' LEGS TO REACH THE CIRCLE
NILES
(FLINCHING) Roz do you mind!
ROZ
Oh don't flatter yourself.
DAPHNE SPINS THE BOARD AGAIN
DAPHNE
Frasier left hand red.
AS FRASIER GOES TO MOVE EDDIE BECOMES INTERESTED IN WHAT'S GOING ON AND GETS IN HIS WAY
FRASIER
Eddie. Shoo Eddie. Get away. I said get away. What do you want? Dad help me here.
MARTIN
He thinks you want to play with him.
FRASIER
If you mean playing locking him outside and seeing how long it takes him to blow away I wouldn't mind.
MARTIN
I should be careful if I were you. You're in a pretty vulnerable position. Playing might not be the only thing that he has on his mind.
NILES
Isn't there another game we could play? One that doesn't involve Roz molesting me?
DAPHNE
Fine.
FRASIER AND NILES STAND UP FOLLOWED BY ROZ
FRASIER
But wait who won that game?
MARTIN
Whoever was the last person to stand up?
ROZ
Don't feel sorry boys, I'm just more limber then you two are.
FRASIER
No doubt from all those years of...
DAPHNE
And we're playing nicely children.
NILES SITS BACK DOWN NEXT TO DAPHNE AS ROZ SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH AND FRASIER ON THE STAIRS. FROM THIS POINT THE MOOD OF THE ROOM CHANGES AS SLOWLY EVERYONE BEGINS TO SNAP AT ONE ANOTHER
NILES
But that's not fair. I had to move so that Frasier could stand up.
DAPHNE
Let it go. Okay I've thought of a game we can all play.
ROZ
Spin the bottle?
DAPHNE
Since four out of the five of us are related and we're not in Arkansas I don't think that's such a good idea.
ROZ
It was either that or Russian Roulette.
NILES
Damn you never have a gun when you need one.
ROZ
We don't need one. We could use that green stuff in the fridge.
FRASIER
What green stuff?
ROZ
It's either really new cheese or really old meat.
MARTIN
I think I'll pass on both.
ROZ
Strip poker then.
NILES
Why do all of your suggestions either involve death, nakedness or some sort of orgy?
ROZ
Did no one else go to sleep away camp as a kid?
FRASIER
Yes but to an exclusive country club not at a brothel at the red light district in Amsterdam.
DAPHNE
I was actually thinking about something more along the lines of the "If I was an animal what kind of animal would I be" game.
FRASIER
Fine Roz you find the deck of cards. I'm going to put a few more layers on.
DAPHNE
What's wrong with that game? We might find out things about each other that we didn't already know.
FRASIER
Like what? What could you possibly not already know about Niles that you could learn from that game?
DAPHNE
Why I sometimes hear him growling in his sleep.
NILES
I don't growl in my sleep.
DAPHNE
How would you know? You're asleep.
NILES
What kind of growl?
DAPHNE
The kind that Eddie does when you're eating something and won't give him any.
NILES
Really? How alarming.
FRASIER
Actually it's more of the growl that Eddie does when you mention the word B.A.T.H.
EDDIE JUMPS UP AND RUNS AND EXITS INTO ONE OF THE BEDROOMS
FRASIER (CONT'D)
I see his spelling is improving with each passing day.
NILES
How do you know I growl in my sleep?
FRASIER
I spent ten years sleeping in the same room as you Niles. I also know your thumb sucking habit, the leg twitching and that funny-breathing thing that you do.
DAPHNE
That drives me up the wall.
FRASIER
He still does it?
DAPHNE
At least four times a night.
ROZ
What breathing thing?
DAPHNE
It's like one big deep breath that seems to last for about twenty minutes. It sounds a bit like Darth Vada having an asthma attack.
MARTIN
(EXCITEDLY REALISING) I know that noise. He started doing it as a baby. He sucked so hard the one night I thought he was going to inhale his blanket.
NILES
How nice you've found a topic of conversation you can all enjoy.
DAPHNE
I'm sorry honey. Well unless anyone else has got a better idea, who wants to start?
ROZ
Oh fine. I'll start. If I were an animal I'd be a...
FRASIER
Rabbit?
ROZ
No. I was going to say that if I were an animal I'd be a...
NILES
Gnat?
ROZ
Why would I want to be a gnat?
NILES
Well your life mirrors that of a common gnat more then you'd think. They only live for a day but in that short time they have sex roughly forty thousand times.
ROZ
The complete polar opposite to your life then?
DAPHNE
(FRUSTRATED) Will you lot all stop going after one another today. You're driving me insane.
ROZ
Sorry Daphne. I guess it must just be the rain.
MARTIN
Thank God Lilith and Freddie didn't come with us or she would have melted in the rain.
ROZ
I don't think her broom would have got clearance to land in this weather anyway.
FRASIER
That's the mother of my child you're talking about.
NILES
Hey look Frasier's thought of a new game to play stating the obvious.
FRASIER
Actually Daphne it might be the rain and the fact that Niles has been nothing but a big baby on this trip so far.
NILES
Take that back! (CHILDISHLY) I'm not the baby. You are. Is it so much to ask to not have to travel and stop in squalor?
ROZ
One cockroach is hardly squalor.
NILES
To a woman who spends most of her time down at the docks maybe not.
DAPHNE
Stop it the lot of you! Calm down and let's play the game before I go out and find a gun to play Russian Roulette with.
NILES
You're right sweetheart. I'll go. If I were an animal I'd be...
FRASIER
Something without a spine?
MARTIN
I'd be a bat, so I'd be deaf and didn't have to listen to you three fight.
FRASIER
As opposed to how much fun it's been listening to you incessantly whine about the weather?
MARTIN
All I want to do is fish.
FRASIER
Then here. Let me put Alice's fish sticks down the toilet. Enjoy yourself.
FRASIER STANDS AND GETS A PACKET OF FISH STICKS FROM THE FREEZER. HE THEN OPENS THE BATHROOM DOOR AND THROWS THEM DOWN THE TOILET
NILES
That's just encouraging some sort of beast to be attracted to the scent and attack us!
ROZ
And you're an educated man, you say?
MARTIN
Well forgive me for expecting to be able to fish on a fishing vacation!
FRASIER
For the last time, forgive me for being unable to predict the weather! Sometimes I really wonder why I bother. I treat us all to this...
ROZ
Do you ever shut up?
FRASIER
Forgive me! Let's return back to the game shall we? If I were an animal I'd be...
NILES
Something that makes constant noise.
FRASIER
At least I'm trying to entertain us.
MARTIN
By putting fish sticks down the toilet?
DAPHNE STANDS AND MAKES HER WAY TO THE DOOR BY THE STAIRCASE
NILES
What? Wait Daphne where are you going?
DAPHNE
Away from you lot!
NILES
But the storm?
DAPHNE
If you don't mind I'd rather take my chances with tornadoes and flying alligators then stay here and listen to this.
NILES
Where are you going?
DAPHNE
To take the tires off the car. Then I'm going to sit in it and wait for lightening to strike it.
DAPHNE EXITS THROUGH THE DOOR GOING DOWN SOME STAIRS AND SLAMS THE DOOR BEHIND HER
NILES
Do you see what you've done now?!
FRASIER
I've done? Roz started it.
ROZ
Oh that's rich coming from you!
AS THEY ALL CONTINUE TO ARGUE WE:
FADE OUT
(F)
FADE IN:
EXT. PARKING GARAGE – DAY – DAY/3(Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Martin, Roz, Alice)
THE PARKING GARAGE IS LOCATED UNDER THE HOUSE, WHICH FOR THE FIRST TIME IS SHOWN TO BE ON STILTS. ALL OF THE WAY AROUND IS WOOD LATTICE, WHICH SEEMS TO BE PROTECTING THE INSIDE FROM THE RAIN AND THE WIND, AND IN THE CENTRE IS A DOOR CONTAINING THE STAIRS GOING UP. A PEOPLE CARRIER SITS IN THE GARAGE WITH DAPHNE SITTING INSIDE AS NILES ENTERS FROM THE DOOR, WHICH IS LEFT OVER. HE IMMEDIATELY WALKS OVER TO THE CAR, BATTLING AGAINST THE WIND, AND TAPS ON THE WINDOW.
DAPHNE
What are you doing down here?
NILES
What am I doing down here? What are you doing down here? Let me in.
DAPHNE UNLOCKS THE CAR AND NILES GETS IN
DAPHNE
I'm sick of hearing you lot yell at one another. If I wanted that I could have gone home for a couple of weeks and watch my mother trade insults with the neighbours over the fence. I wouldn't mind if she deserved it but she's the sweetest Nun that you're ever likely to meet. I can't be trapped in a house with all this screaming. It's like being locked in a loony bin.
NILES
So you'd rather be trapped in a car in the middle of a storm? (THEN) I'm sorry sweetheart.
DAPHNE
It's not me you should be apologising to.
NILES
I know. What do you want me to do?
DAPHNE
Go up stairs and be the bigger person by apologising first.
NILES
Is there anything else you'd rather I do?
DAPHNE
Nope.
NILES
It's not all my fault. They were giving as much as they were getting. (PAUSE) If not more.
DAPHNE
I know that Niles but you're all so stubborn that we're likely to spend the rest of the week like this unless someone says they're sorry.
NILES
Then why do I have to be the first one to do it?
DAPHNE
Let me put it this way, if you don't go up there and apologise to them all right now there's no more sex for you. Ever again. And I mean it.
NILES
Fine.
DAPHNE
Oh you are so easy.
SHE KISSES HIM
NILES
You just have that effect on me.
THEY KISS
NILES (CONT'D)
You go in. I'll lock the car.
DAPHNE GETS OUT THE CAR AND GOES BACK UP THE STAIRS SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND HER. NILES THEN GETS OUT OF THE CAR BEFORE LOCKING THE CAR FROM THE INSIDE. HE THEN CROSSES TO THE DOOR AND TURNS THE HANDLE. THE DOOR DOESN'T OPEN.
NILES (CONT'D)
Uh-oh.
NILES THEN GOES BACK TO DAPHNE'S SIDE OF THE CAR AND TRIES TO OPEN THE DOOR BUT IT'S LOCKED AS WELL. NILES THEN GOES BACK TO THE DOOR AND STARTS TO BANG ON IT.
NILES (CONT'D)
Daphne! Daphne!
RESET TO:
INT. HOLIDAY HOUSE – CONTINUOUSFRASIER AND ROZ ARE NOW SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING THE TELEVISION AS ALICE PLAYS ON THE FLOOR. MARTIN HAS ALSO MOVED HIS STOOL OVER TOWARDS THE BALCONY WINDOW WHERE HE STILL WATCHES THE RAIN AS DAPHNE ENTERS THROUGH THE DOOR BY THE STAIRS
FRASIER
Oh there you are. Listen we're so sorry Daphne.
MARTIN
Yeah I guess it's just being cooped up like this.
DAPHNE
Oh don't worry about it.
FRASIER
Where's Niles?
DAPHNE
He's just locking the car. He'll be up in a second.
ROZ
Meanwhile we've found a game to play.
DAPHNE
Will it end in tears?
FRASIER
No we've burnt the Twister mat.
ROZ
Actually it's for Alice. Which means we can watch the TV while Martin still watches the rain.
DAPHNE SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH NEXT TO ROZ
MARTIN
Wow it's starting to really come down out there.
FRASIER
Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse.
ROZ
I wouldn't want to be stuck out in that.
AS EVERYONE STARTS TO WATCH THE TELEVISION A SOAKING WET AND WIND BLOWN NILES APPEARS AT THE WINDOW BY THE FRONT DOOR WHERE MARTIN HAD PREVIOUSLY BEEN SITTING. HE TRIES TO MAINTAIN HIS BALANCE AGAINST THE WIND AND KNOCK ON THE WINDOW TO BE LET IN AS WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO
CLOSING CREDITS: DAPHNE LEADS A SOAKING WET NILES INTO THE BATHROOM TO HELP DRY HIM OFF. HE STARTS TO SHAKE FROM THE COLD AND DAPHNE HUGS HIM BEFORE TURNING AND GETTING A COUPLE OF TOWELS FROM UNDER THE SINK. SHE THEN WRAPS ONE AROUND HIS SHOULDERS AND PUTS THE OTHER ON HIS HEAD. NILES THEN SITS DOWN ON THE TOILET SEAT BUT IMMEDIATELY JUMPS UP AND RUNS ACROSS THE ROOM YELLING SNAKE. DAPHNE WALKS OVER TO THE TOILET BEFORE TURNING TO NILES AND SIGHING. SHE THEN PICKS UP A FISH STICK FROM THE TOILET AND SHAKES HER HEAD.