Not a lot of people know this, but the seeds of the war between Kain and
the Hylden were, um, seeded, not in a massive physical battle, but in a
humble Internet Chat Room that Kain ran. This is a transcript.
#NosNet Chat
FallenBalance: So, next up, I was thinking of Meridian, the new capital of Nosgoth. The old one was Willendorf, of course, but that's irrelevant.
RandomVillager432: That's cool..
FallenBalance: Now, all I need are some Vampires to form an army to conquer it.
BrothelLover69: aNYONE GOT ANY pONORGAPHY?
FallenBalance: Shut up BL69. Now, my only problem is that I'm the only Vampire left in Nosgoth, and I can't create any progeny right now...
BrothelLover69: aNY GIRLS WANT CYBER?
*BrothelLover69 has been kicked from #NosNet by FallenBalance (Get lost!)*
RandomVillager432: That's cool.
FallenBalance: Now, does anyone have any ideas?
*Vorador_the_Great has entered the room*
FallenBalance: WTF?????
Vorador_the_Great: Hi Kain. It's been a while.
FallenBalance: Er...aren't you dead?
Vorador_the_Great:Nope.
FallenBalance: How come?
Vorador_the _Great: I'll tell you later. Now, about the army of the undead...
*BrothelLover70 has entered the room*
BrothelLover70: OP ME
*BrothelLover70 has been kicked from #NosNet by FallenBalance (Come back again and you'll taste my Reaver!)*
RandomVillager432: That's cool.
Vorador_the_Great: Anyway, I heard your problem and I'm here to help.
*Vorador_the_Great makes an army of Vampires*
FallenBalance: Yes!!! Now nothing shall stand in my way!
*H-Lord has entered the room*
FallenBalance: I shall reign Nosgoth forever!
H-Lord: Great!
FallenBalance: Shut up, Sycophant!
RandomVillager432: That's cool.
*ERROR - UNABLE TO KICK H-Lord*
FallenBalance: WTF???
H-Lord: Ha! I have the Nexus Stone, and you can't kick me, Vampire! You'll regret calling me a sycophant!
*H-Lord has been Opped by H-Lord*
FallenBalance: How did you...?
H-Lord: The Nexus Stone has many powers! Now...DIE!!!!
*FallenBalance has been kicked from #NosNet by H-Lord (BWA HAHAHAHA!!!)*
*H-Lord takes the Reaver*
RandomVillager432: That's cool.
In the real world, Kain was so shocked by all this that he fell backwards off his chair. The moral of the story is don't set up your computer at the edge of a cliff leading down to a huge inferno miles below.
***200 years and three days later***
Kain sits up in bed.
Kain: (VO) From the shards of tattered dreams I rose, unwilling. Tossed upon tides of pain that flowed and ebbed and left me searingly awake. And, more revoltingly - hungover. What the hell had I had to drink?
Umah: Good evening. We didn't expect you to wake up tonight. You should have woken three days ago.
Kain: (VO) My mind was in fragments, like shattered glass that was once a glass cup that had contained water, but the water had been drunk by a human, who was then butchered by an insane schoolteacher who was going to use the body in his biology class, but it was too damaged to...er...what was I saying? Oh yes - my mind was a bit confused.
Kain: Where am I?
Umah: You may want to brace yourself. You're in another LoKa fanfic.
Kain faints.
***3 weeks later***
Kain sits up in bed.
Kain: (VO) From the shards of tattered dreams I rose, unwilling. Tossed upon tides of pain that flowed and ebbed and left me searingly awake. And, more revoltingly - hungover. What the hell had I had to drink? And why did I have this sense of deja vu?
Umah: Good evening. Are you going to stay awake this time?
Kain: (VO) My mind was in fragments, like shattered glass that was once a glass cup that had contained water, but the water had been drunk by a human, who was...well, you get the point.
Kain: Where am I?
Umah: You may want to brace yourself. And this time, I really mean it. Now prepare yourself...you're in another LoKa fanfic.
Kain faints.
Umah: Grrrr...
***2 months later***
Kain sits up in bed. Umah is pointing a crossbow dipped in water at him.
Umah: You're in the next LoKa fanfic. Faint and you die. Now deal with it and get on with your life.
Kain: Aww, dammit.
Umah: Do you remember who you are?
Kain: I remember enough to not want to be here. I wish I was still asleep.
Umah: Oh no you don't. It took a lot to wake you up in the first place! That Sarafan Lord really kicked your ass!
Kain: Yeah, and I was armed with the Soul Reaver too. How the hell did he beat me?
Umah: You wish to take revenge?
Kain: Not really.
Umah: Alright, if you kill him for us, then we can have sex. You did complain about not getting any in Blood Omen 1a, right?
Kain: What's the situation.
Umah: Men - gets them every time! Now, we're in Meridian, capital of the land of Nosgoth, and home of the Nosgothian Wolfhounds, though they're on tour at the moment, so the hockey arena's shut. Let me show you the future.
Umah turns on a TV screen. We see a familiar scene. Kain is sitting on a throne at the base of the ruined Pillars of Nosgoth. Five Vampires are standing around. A sixth Vampire, this one bearing wings, walks onto the scene.
Raziel: (VO) Kain is deified. Few know the truth. He was mortal once, as were we all. But his contempt for humanity drove him to create me and my brethren. I am Raziel, first-born...
Umah hits the TV.
Umah: Stupid thing! That's too far into the future! *sigh* Never trust any software made by Mobisoft...
Kain: Mobisoft?
Umah: Like Microsoft, but owned by Moebius. It deals with Temporal Software and Technology.
Kain: Not much of a joke.
Umah: No, not really. Come on, we'll look through the Mystic Wall Defiler.
Kain: What's that.
Umah: An invention that allows us to see through walls to the world outside.
Kain: You mean the window?
Umah: You're killing the atmosphere, you know that?
Umah shows Kain the outside world.
Umah: This is what has become of Nosgoth since your defeat at the hands of the Sarafan.
Kain: The Sarafan?
Umah: A fanatical army of humans sworn to eradicate Vampires from the world.
Kain: Any relation to the ancient Sarafan that organised the original Vampire Purges, and that had members like Raziel and Malek?
Umah: No, this is a different Sarafan.
Kain: Are we even going to acknowledge the original Sarafan here?
Umah: No.
Kain. Fine.
Umah: Under the pretence of protecting Nosgoth from the Vampires, the Sarafan have seized control of Nosgoth, and their rule is not kind. They rule the humans, kill the Vampires, and banned Live Action Role Playing.
Kain: The fiends!
Umah: You must help us defeat the Sarafan Lord and restore natural order.
Kain: Vampires preying on humans?
Umah: No, but that's a heck of an idea.
Kain: So, who's "us"? Do you have multiple personalities?
Umah: Not since I started taking the medication. I was talking about the Cabal.
Kain: You work for telephone wires?
Umah: CABAL, not CABLE! We work to undermine the Sarafan Lord, bringing his rule crashing down. But our plan to mine under his palace and bring him crashing down literally failed. We need your help.
Kain: I see. And what is my reward to be? Your eternal gratitude?
Umah: Sex, remember?
Kain: Do you think you can bribe me with mere pleasures of the flesh?
Umah: Yes.
Kain: You're right. Though I seem to remember I played the pawn once before. It ended badly...
Umah: How badly?
Kain: Everyone died.
Umah: Except you?
Kain: Er, Umah? I'm a Vampire!
Umah: Oh yes. Well, this time, it'll turn out much better. The main female in this storyline isn't half woman and half rotting skeleton. I'm all woman, baby!
Kain gives an odd look to Umah.
Umah: Sorry, I got carried away.
Kain: Well then, tell me where the Sarafan Lord is. I'll have him dead by the hour.
Umah: Such arrogance. If it were that easy, we'd have done the job ourselves. You are far too weak to fight him.
Kain: You're saying that I don't stand a chance against him?
Umah: That's right.
Kain: Then what the bloody hell did you resurrect me for, then?!
Umah: You're the main character, Kain. Over the course of your adventure, you'll somehow become stronger until you clash with the Sarafan Lord in one final battle!
Kain: Will there be any Block Puzzles involved.
Umah: Nope. Just Glyph Puzzles.
Kain: Well, that's alright then.
Umah: Well, shall we go?
Kain: Hang on a sec, let me go fetch the Soul Reaver/
Umah: Erm...
Kain opens the wardrobe and falls through into another world. It isn't Narnia, because Kain destroyed that place years ago (he was bored). He finds himself in an ancient Greek temple of some kind. Standing in front of him is a girl in white and blue armour, armed with a shield and sword.
Kain: Er...hi...have you seen the Soul Reaver?
Sophitia: Do you speak of the Soul Edge? That cursed blade has caused enough trouble.
Kain: No, Soul REAVER. R-E-A-V...
Sophitia: Time will heal you, for I do not wish to hurt you. But I must stop you from following this path!
Sophitia attacks Kain, who promptly kills her.
Kain: Why is it that everywhere I go, people keep trying to kill me? Well, I'll find the Reaver later. Right now, I'm hungry. Maybe Umah can show me a place to feed.
Kain returns to Nosgoth. An armoured man with a mutated arm and a grotesque eye in his chest walks up to Sophitia's body and asks one of the eternal questions.
Nightmare: If he's a Vampire and he was hungry, why didn't he just drink Sophitia's blood?
Kain: (From somewhere else) D'oh!
#NosNet Chat
FallenBalance: So, next up, I was thinking of Meridian, the new capital of Nosgoth. The old one was Willendorf, of course, but that's irrelevant.
RandomVillager432: That's cool..
FallenBalance: Now, all I need are some Vampires to form an army to conquer it.
BrothelLover69: aNYONE GOT ANY pONORGAPHY?
FallenBalance: Shut up BL69. Now, my only problem is that I'm the only Vampire left in Nosgoth, and I can't create any progeny right now...
BrothelLover69: aNY GIRLS WANT CYBER?
*BrothelLover69 has been kicked from #NosNet by FallenBalance (Get lost!)*
RandomVillager432: That's cool.
FallenBalance: Now, does anyone have any ideas?
*Vorador_the_Great has entered the room*
FallenBalance: WTF?????
Vorador_the_Great: Hi Kain. It's been a while.
FallenBalance: Er...aren't you dead?
Vorador_the_Great:Nope.
FallenBalance: How come?
Vorador_the _Great: I'll tell you later. Now, about the army of the undead...
*BrothelLover70 has entered the room*
BrothelLover70: OP ME
*BrothelLover70 has been kicked from #NosNet by FallenBalance (Come back again and you'll taste my Reaver!)*
RandomVillager432: That's cool.
Vorador_the_Great: Anyway, I heard your problem and I'm here to help.
*Vorador_the_Great makes an army of Vampires*
FallenBalance: Yes!!! Now nothing shall stand in my way!
*H-Lord has entered the room*
FallenBalance: I shall reign Nosgoth forever!
H-Lord: Great!
FallenBalance: Shut up, Sycophant!
RandomVillager432: That's cool.
*ERROR - UNABLE TO KICK H-Lord*
FallenBalance: WTF???
H-Lord: Ha! I have the Nexus Stone, and you can't kick me, Vampire! You'll regret calling me a sycophant!
*H-Lord has been Opped by H-Lord*
FallenBalance: How did you...?
H-Lord: The Nexus Stone has many powers! Now...DIE!!!!
*FallenBalance has been kicked from #NosNet by H-Lord (BWA HAHAHAHA!!!)*
*H-Lord takes the Reaver*
RandomVillager432: That's cool.
In the real world, Kain was so shocked by all this that he fell backwards off his chair. The moral of the story is don't set up your computer at the edge of a cliff leading down to a huge inferno miles below.
***200 years and three days later***
Kain sits up in bed.
Kain: (VO) From the shards of tattered dreams I rose, unwilling. Tossed upon tides of pain that flowed and ebbed and left me searingly awake. And, more revoltingly - hungover. What the hell had I had to drink?
Umah: Good evening. We didn't expect you to wake up tonight. You should have woken three days ago.
Kain: (VO) My mind was in fragments, like shattered glass that was once a glass cup that had contained water, but the water had been drunk by a human, who was then butchered by an insane schoolteacher who was going to use the body in his biology class, but it was too damaged to...er...what was I saying? Oh yes - my mind was a bit confused.
Kain: Where am I?
Umah: You may want to brace yourself. You're in another LoKa fanfic.
Kain faints.
***3 weeks later***
Kain sits up in bed.
Kain: (VO) From the shards of tattered dreams I rose, unwilling. Tossed upon tides of pain that flowed and ebbed and left me searingly awake. And, more revoltingly - hungover. What the hell had I had to drink? And why did I have this sense of deja vu?
Umah: Good evening. Are you going to stay awake this time?
Kain: (VO) My mind was in fragments, like shattered glass that was once a glass cup that had contained water, but the water had been drunk by a human, who was...well, you get the point.
Kain: Where am I?
Umah: You may want to brace yourself. And this time, I really mean it. Now prepare yourself...you're in another LoKa fanfic.
Kain faints.
Umah: Grrrr...
***2 months later***
Kain sits up in bed. Umah is pointing a crossbow dipped in water at him.
Umah: You're in the next LoKa fanfic. Faint and you die. Now deal with it and get on with your life.
Kain: Aww, dammit.
Umah: Do you remember who you are?
Kain: I remember enough to not want to be here. I wish I was still asleep.
Umah: Oh no you don't. It took a lot to wake you up in the first place! That Sarafan Lord really kicked your ass!
Kain: Yeah, and I was armed with the Soul Reaver too. How the hell did he beat me?
Umah: You wish to take revenge?
Kain: Not really.
Umah: Alright, if you kill him for us, then we can have sex. You did complain about not getting any in Blood Omen 1a, right?
Kain: What's the situation.
Umah: Men - gets them every time! Now, we're in Meridian, capital of the land of Nosgoth, and home of the Nosgothian Wolfhounds, though they're on tour at the moment, so the hockey arena's shut. Let me show you the future.
Umah turns on a TV screen. We see a familiar scene. Kain is sitting on a throne at the base of the ruined Pillars of Nosgoth. Five Vampires are standing around. A sixth Vampire, this one bearing wings, walks onto the scene.
Raziel: (VO) Kain is deified. Few know the truth. He was mortal once, as were we all. But his contempt for humanity drove him to create me and my brethren. I am Raziel, first-born...
Umah hits the TV.
Umah: Stupid thing! That's too far into the future! *sigh* Never trust any software made by Mobisoft...
Kain: Mobisoft?
Umah: Like Microsoft, but owned by Moebius. It deals with Temporal Software and Technology.
Kain: Not much of a joke.
Umah: No, not really. Come on, we'll look through the Mystic Wall Defiler.
Kain: What's that.
Umah: An invention that allows us to see through walls to the world outside.
Kain: You mean the window?
Umah: You're killing the atmosphere, you know that?
Umah shows Kain the outside world.
Umah: This is what has become of Nosgoth since your defeat at the hands of the Sarafan.
Kain: The Sarafan?
Umah: A fanatical army of humans sworn to eradicate Vampires from the world.
Kain: Any relation to the ancient Sarafan that organised the original Vampire Purges, and that had members like Raziel and Malek?
Umah: No, this is a different Sarafan.
Kain: Are we even going to acknowledge the original Sarafan here?
Umah: No.
Kain. Fine.
Umah: Under the pretence of protecting Nosgoth from the Vampires, the Sarafan have seized control of Nosgoth, and their rule is not kind. They rule the humans, kill the Vampires, and banned Live Action Role Playing.
Kain: The fiends!
Umah: You must help us defeat the Sarafan Lord and restore natural order.
Kain: Vampires preying on humans?
Umah: No, but that's a heck of an idea.
Kain: So, who's "us"? Do you have multiple personalities?
Umah: Not since I started taking the medication. I was talking about the Cabal.
Kain: You work for telephone wires?
Umah: CABAL, not CABLE! We work to undermine the Sarafan Lord, bringing his rule crashing down. But our plan to mine under his palace and bring him crashing down literally failed. We need your help.
Kain: I see. And what is my reward to be? Your eternal gratitude?
Umah: Sex, remember?
Kain: Do you think you can bribe me with mere pleasures of the flesh?
Umah: Yes.
Kain: You're right. Though I seem to remember I played the pawn once before. It ended badly...
Umah: How badly?
Kain: Everyone died.
Umah: Except you?
Kain: Er, Umah? I'm a Vampire!
Umah: Oh yes. Well, this time, it'll turn out much better. The main female in this storyline isn't half woman and half rotting skeleton. I'm all woman, baby!
Kain gives an odd look to Umah.
Umah: Sorry, I got carried away.
Kain: Well then, tell me where the Sarafan Lord is. I'll have him dead by the hour.
Umah: Such arrogance. If it were that easy, we'd have done the job ourselves. You are far too weak to fight him.
Kain: You're saying that I don't stand a chance against him?
Umah: That's right.
Kain: Then what the bloody hell did you resurrect me for, then?!
Umah: You're the main character, Kain. Over the course of your adventure, you'll somehow become stronger until you clash with the Sarafan Lord in one final battle!
Kain: Will there be any Block Puzzles involved.
Umah: Nope. Just Glyph Puzzles.
Kain: Well, that's alright then.
Umah: Well, shall we go?
Kain: Hang on a sec, let me go fetch the Soul Reaver/
Umah: Erm...
Kain opens the wardrobe and falls through into another world. It isn't Narnia, because Kain destroyed that place years ago (he was bored). He finds himself in an ancient Greek temple of some kind. Standing in front of him is a girl in white and blue armour, armed with a shield and sword.
Kain: Er...hi...have you seen the Soul Reaver?
Sophitia: Do you speak of the Soul Edge? That cursed blade has caused enough trouble.
Kain: No, Soul REAVER. R-E-A-V...
Sophitia: Time will heal you, for I do not wish to hurt you. But I must stop you from following this path!
Sophitia attacks Kain, who promptly kills her.
Kain: Why is it that everywhere I go, people keep trying to kill me? Well, I'll find the Reaver later. Right now, I'm hungry. Maybe Umah can show me a place to feed.
Kain returns to Nosgoth. An armoured man with a mutated arm and a grotesque eye in his chest walks up to Sophitia's body and asks one of the eternal questions.
Nightmare: If he's a Vampire and he was hungry, why didn't he just drink Sophitia's blood?
Kain: (From somewhere else) D'oh!