We join the story as Kain exits a gigantic Nosgoth School, for no
adequately explored reason. As he goes down the steps, the Sarafan Lord
comes out behind him.
SL: Kain!
Kain turns with a slightly annoyed look on his face.
SL: Your feeble Beguile ability may have fooled the others, but I know the truth. You're a Vampire!
Kain: No one will ever believe you.
The Sarafan Lord pulls out a pair of manacles.
SL: I got these out of Sara-Fan Magazine. They're guaranteed to knock unconscious any Vampire! Take THIS!!!
The Lord jumps at Kain, who leaps out of the way and runs down the street.
SL: Get back here!
Kain: Leave me alone! I just want to go home and do normal human stuff!
The pair leap on top of a market stall being used to sell dairy products. The stall isn't very well built. The Lord falls down as the stall collapses, but Kain jumps onto a nearby wall.
Kain: Pitiful Hylden!
Suddenly, a giant mutant hand grabs Kain and pulls him into the bushes on the other side of the wall. After a struggle, Kain pulls himself back over the wall, and makes to push the Sarafan Lord into the mutant's grasp. But the Lord isn't on the wall. He is arguing with a strange boy with a large head and a small green-skinned creature with large red eyes.
Kain: What's going on?
ZIM: You! You dare steal a scene from the great series Invader Zim?! WHEN WILL THE STEALING END?!?!
Kain: Er.
Dib: I watch all sorts of media in my role as Paranormal Investigator! Did you think you could get away with this?
Kain: Well, I.hey! I don't answer to you!
ZIM: You will answer to me! You will all answer to ZIM!!!
SL: Well, that's it. This means war!
Dib: Fine!
Kain: Good.
ZIM: Excellent!
Kain and the Sarafan Lord pull out all of their supernatural powers, while Dib and ZIM use the most devastating technology they have at hand. The result is an explosion so enormous that it utterly consumes all of reality.
*3 weeks later*
The destructive quartet wake up in a large ornate hall where four thrones are present. Three of the thrones are occupied, one by a bearded man in an impressive toga, one by a bearded man in a more humble tunic, and one by a shining gold figure. The fourth throne is empty.
Kain: What the hell..?
Toga Guy: SILENCE!!! The session is now begun. For the record, the four Gods present are Jesus, Ra, N/A and myself, Zeus.
Dib: Er.what's going on?
Ra: Ugh, we have to go through this every single time.OK, it's like this. All religions are right for the most part.
Jesus: And by that we mean real religion. Money, MacDonald's, Buffy and 90s Boy Bands are loser religion wannabes.
Zeus: That's right. Anyway, we Gods and Goddesses take it in turns to perform Judgment on souls passing into the afterlife.
SL: All of them?
Jesus: That's why we take it in turns. Last week it was Jupiter, Hecate, Loki and Gaia.
Kain: OK.but what's with the empty chair?
Ra: That's where N/A sits.
Dib: N/A?
Zeus: The God of the Atheists!
SL: You what? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
Jesus: Are you calling Atheists stupid?
SL: No! I'm calling having an empty.with a name like.a God that doesn't.they don't actually believe in.look, can we just get on with whatever's happening here?
Ra: Fine. You four are charged with destroying all reality.
ZIM: I am ZIM! I am an Invader of the Irkan army!
Zeus: And boy are they pissed at you! They weren't happy when Operation: Impending Doom ended with you wrecking the planet. Now Operation: Impending Doom 2 ended with you destroying all of reality!
ZIM: But surely not all reality can be destroyed.?
Jesus waves his hands and a wall turns into a gigantic TV screen. It shows all that remains of reality - an everlasting void, and a small defective robot.
ZIM: GIR???
GIR: I'm on TV!!!
Ra: We don't know how it survived, but.anyway, at great cost, we're going to recreate reality and insert you back in it. But at a cost, we shall create hordes of Block Puzzles to taunt you for all eternity!
Kain: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
SL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
ZIM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dib: Block Puzzles?
Zeus: All in favour say aye! Aye!
Jesus: Aye!
Ra: Aye!
N/A: .
Jesus: You always abstain, N/A!
Ra: OK, motion carried 3 to 0, 1 abstained.
Reality is recreated, which sounds a lot more impressive than it is. Jesus pulls a lever, and the four fall through a trapdoor.
Zeus: And don't come back!
Kain and the Sarafan Lord splat down in the middle of Meridian.
Kain: Ugh.
SL: OK.let's not do Zim again.
Kain: Yeah, we need to find something else.
*Soon afterwards*
The Sarafan Lord sneaks through the alleys of Meridian, dripping a trail of blood from a bucket. He leads the trail to a door with several signs on it. The signs read "Kain", "Keep out", "Trespassers will be drained of blood", "No wings allowed" and "Home for homeless puppies". The Sarafan Lord knocks on the door, and then starts creeping away.
A little way away, a big-headed bald guy is following the trail, armed with a long, thin mini-cannon.
Elmer: Shhh! Be wery wery quiet! I'm hunting Wampires! Heh heh huh-huh-heh.
The door opens, and Kain sticks his head out.
Kain: Did someone knock?
A cannon blast slightly singes Kain's hair.
Elmer: Now I've got you, you Wampire!
Kain calmly leans on the cannon and drinks a swig of blood from a small bottle.
Kain: Hey, mate, are you trying to get in trouble with the law? This ain't Vampire hunting season.
Elmer: It's not?
Kain: No! It's Hylden hunting season!
The Sarafan Lord bursts out of the shadows.
SL: That is a blatant and unjustified fabrication! It's Vampire season!
Kain: No it's not. It's Hylden season!
SL: Vampire season!
Kain: Hylden season!
SL: VAMPIRE SEASON!!!
Kain: Hylden season!
SL: VAMPIRE SEASON!!!!!!
Kain: .Vampire season!
SL: HYLDEN SEASON!!!!!
Kain: Vampire season!
SL: I say it's Hylden season, and I say - FIRE!!!
Elmer shrugs and blasts at the Lord's head. The blast breaks one of the decorative spikes on his armour off. The Lord pushes the cannon away and glowers at Kain.
SL: Let's try that again.
Kain: Whatever you say.
SL: This time I'll start.
Kain: Right.
The Lord pushes the cannon towards Kain.
SL: Vampire season!
Kain pushes the cannon back.
Kain: Hylden season!
The Lord pushes the cannon towards Kain again.
SL: Vampire season!
Kain starts to push the cannon towards the Lord again, but then pulls it back towards himself.
Kain: Vampire season!
The Lord pulls the cannon towards himself.
SL: Hylden season!
Kain pulls the cannon back.
Kain: Vampire season!
The Lord points the cannon towards himself again.
SL: Hylden season! FIRE!!!
The cannon's blast leaves him with a burned face. The Lord glowers even more.
SL: Fine. This time you start.
Kain: Okay.
Kain pulls the cannon towards himself.
Kain: Vampire.
The Lord pulls the cannon quickly towards himself.
SL: HYLDEN!!! FIRE!!!!!!!
The cannon shoots him yet again. He pushes Elmer slightly towards the side and gets in Kain's face.
SL: You're despicable.
The Lord storms off. A moment later he returns, zaps Elmer into a pile of ashes, then leaves again.
Kain: Gee, I don't remember Daffy Duck doing that.
Kain goes back into his house. A pair of eyes opens in the pile of ash that is Elmer Fudd.
Elmer: Someone.get my agent.
*Meanwhile, in Sanctuary*
Umah, Vorador and a bunch of random Vampires are hanging around, looking bored.
Vorador: How long are we supposed to hang around waiting for him?
Umah: Look at this last chapter. It had nothing to do with Blood Omen 2! And there was so much potential! Like when we were separated by the Ward Gate. We could have made a point about Kain not simply climbing over the wall instead of going through a strange, hostile town he didn't know!
Vorador: I've been in these fics before. They rarely make sense. Though this is the most unlike the original story they've been.
There's a knock on the door. Umah answers it, and finds a man in a suit standing there.
Man: Hi. I just moved in next door, and I've run out of coffee.
The man makes a suggestive gesture. Umah relocates his heart to an external position with lots of ventilation.
Umah: Nescafe has a lot to answer for.
SL: Kain!
Kain turns with a slightly annoyed look on his face.
SL: Your feeble Beguile ability may have fooled the others, but I know the truth. You're a Vampire!
Kain: No one will ever believe you.
The Sarafan Lord pulls out a pair of manacles.
SL: I got these out of Sara-Fan Magazine. They're guaranteed to knock unconscious any Vampire! Take THIS!!!
The Lord jumps at Kain, who leaps out of the way and runs down the street.
SL: Get back here!
Kain: Leave me alone! I just want to go home and do normal human stuff!
The pair leap on top of a market stall being used to sell dairy products. The stall isn't very well built. The Lord falls down as the stall collapses, but Kain jumps onto a nearby wall.
Kain: Pitiful Hylden!
Suddenly, a giant mutant hand grabs Kain and pulls him into the bushes on the other side of the wall. After a struggle, Kain pulls himself back over the wall, and makes to push the Sarafan Lord into the mutant's grasp. But the Lord isn't on the wall. He is arguing with a strange boy with a large head and a small green-skinned creature with large red eyes.
Kain: What's going on?
ZIM: You! You dare steal a scene from the great series Invader Zim?! WHEN WILL THE STEALING END?!?!
Kain: Er.
Dib: I watch all sorts of media in my role as Paranormal Investigator! Did you think you could get away with this?
Kain: Well, I.hey! I don't answer to you!
ZIM: You will answer to me! You will all answer to ZIM!!!
SL: Well, that's it. This means war!
Dib: Fine!
Kain: Good.
ZIM: Excellent!
Kain and the Sarafan Lord pull out all of their supernatural powers, while Dib and ZIM use the most devastating technology they have at hand. The result is an explosion so enormous that it utterly consumes all of reality.
*3 weeks later*
The destructive quartet wake up in a large ornate hall where four thrones are present. Three of the thrones are occupied, one by a bearded man in an impressive toga, one by a bearded man in a more humble tunic, and one by a shining gold figure. The fourth throne is empty.
Kain: What the hell..?
Toga Guy: SILENCE!!! The session is now begun. For the record, the four Gods present are Jesus, Ra, N/A and myself, Zeus.
Dib: Er.what's going on?
Ra: Ugh, we have to go through this every single time.OK, it's like this. All religions are right for the most part.
Jesus: And by that we mean real religion. Money, MacDonald's, Buffy and 90s Boy Bands are loser religion wannabes.
Zeus: That's right. Anyway, we Gods and Goddesses take it in turns to perform Judgment on souls passing into the afterlife.
SL: All of them?
Jesus: That's why we take it in turns. Last week it was Jupiter, Hecate, Loki and Gaia.
Kain: OK.but what's with the empty chair?
Ra: That's where N/A sits.
Dib: N/A?
Zeus: The God of the Atheists!
SL: You what? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
Jesus: Are you calling Atheists stupid?
SL: No! I'm calling having an empty.with a name like.a God that doesn't.they don't actually believe in.look, can we just get on with whatever's happening here?
Ra: Fine. You four are charged with destroying all reality.
ZIM: I am ZIM! I am an Invader of the Irkan army!
Zeus: And boy are they pissed at you! They weren't happy when Operation: Impending Doom ended with you wrecking the planet. Now Operation: Impending Doom 2 ended with you destroying all of reality!
ZIM: But surely not all reality can be destroyed.?
Jesus waves his hands and a wall turns into a gigantic TV screen. It shows all that remains of reality - an everlasting void, and a small defective robot.
ZIM: GIR???
GIR: I'm on TV!!!
Ra: We don't know how it survived, but.anyway, at great cost, we're going to recreate reality and insert you back in it. But at a cost, we shall create hordes of Block Puzzles to taunt you for all eternity!
Kain: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
SL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
ZIM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dib: Block Puzzles?
Zeus: All in favour say aye! Aye!
Jesus: Aye!
Ra: Aye!
N/A: .
Jesus: You always abstain, N/A!
Ra: OK, motion carried 3 to 0, 1 abstained.
Reality is recreated, which sounds a lot more impressive than it is. Jesus pulls a lever, and the four fall through a trapdoor.
Zeus: And don't come back!
Kain and the Sarafan Lord splat down in the middle of Meridian.
Kain: Ugh.
SL: OK.let's not do Zim again.
Kain: Yeah, we need to find something else.
*Soon afterwards*
The Sarafan Lord sneaks through the alleys of Meridian, dripping a trail of blood from a bucket. He leads the trail to a door with several signs on it. The signs read "Kain", "Keep out", "Trespassers will be drained of blood", "No wings allowed" and "Home for homeless puppies". The Sarafan Lord knocks on the door, and then starts creeping away.
A little way away, a big-headed bald guy is following the trail, armed with a long, thin mini-cannon.
Elmer: Shhh! Be wery wery quiet! I'm hunting Wampires! Heh heh huh-huh-heh.
The door opens, and Kain sticks his head out.
Kain: Did someone knock?
A cannon blast slightly singes Kain's hair.
Elmer: Now I've got you, you Wampire!
Kain calmly leans on the cannon and drinks a swig of blood from a small bottle.
Kain: Hey, mate, are you trying to get in trouble with the law? This ain't Vampire hunting season.
Elmer: It's not?
Kain: No! It's Hylden hunting season!
The Sarafan Lord bursts out of the shadows.
SL: That is a blatant and unjustified fabrication! It's Vampire season!
Kain: No it's not. It's Hylden season!
SL: Vampire season!
Kain: Hylden season!
SL: VAMPIRE SEASON!!!
Kain: Hylden season!
SL: VAMPIRE SEASON!!!!!!
Kain: .Vampire season!
SL: HYLDEN SEASON!!!!!
Kain: Vampire season!
SL: I say it's Hylden season, and I say - FIRE!!!
Elmer shrugs and blasts at the Lord's head. The blast breaks one of the decorative spikes on his armour off. The Lord pushes the cannon away and glowers at Kain.
SL: Let's try that again.
Kain: Whatever you say.
SL: This time I'll start.
Kain: Right.
The Lord pushes the cannon towards Kain.
SL: Vampire season!
Kain pushes the cannon back.
Kain: Hylden season!
The Lord pushes the cannon towards Kain again.
SL: Vampire season!
Kain starts to push the cannon towards the Lord again, but then pulls it back towards himself.
Kain: Vampire season!
The Lord pulls the cannon towards himself.
SL: Hylden season!
Kain pulls the cannon back.
Kain: Vampire season!
The Lord points the cannon towards himself again.
SL: Hylden season! FIRE!!!
The cannon's blast leaves him with a burned face. The Lord glowers even more.
SL: Fine. This time you start.
Kain: Okay.
Kain pulls the cannon towards himself.
Kain: Vampire.
The Lord pulls the cannon quickly towards himself.
SL: HYLDEN!!! FIRE!!!!!!!
The cannon shoots him yet again. He pushes Elmer slightly towards the side and gets in Kain's face.
SL: You're despicable.
The Lord storms off. A moment later he returns, zaps Elmer into a pile of ashes, then leaves again.
Kain: Gee, I don't remember Daffy Duck doing that.
Kain goes back into his house. A pair of eyes opens in the pile of ash that is Elmer Fudd.
Elmer: Someone.get my agent.
*Meanwhile, in Sanctuary*
Umah, Vorador and a bunch of random Vampires are hanging around, looking bored.
Vorador: How long are we supposed to hang around waiting for him?
Umah: Look at this last chapter. It had nothing to do with Blood Omen 2! And there was so much potential! Like when we were separated by the Ward Gate. We could have made a point about Kain not simply climbing over the wall instead of going through a strange, hostile town he didn't know!
Vorador: I've been in these fics before. They rarely make sense. Though this is the most unlike the original story they've been.
There's a knock on the door. Umah answers it, and finds a man in a suit standing there.
Man: Hi. I just moved in next door, and I've run out of coffee.
The man makes a suggestive gesture. Umah relocates his heart to an external position with lots of ventilation.
Umah: Nescafe has a lot to answer for.