Chapter 1: The Story Begins, or, A Knight in Not-so-Shining Armor
Scene 1
***we see a green hill. Soon Kim is seen walking over the hill, with a figure behind her.
[wind]
[clop clop clop]
Kim: Stop here!
[clop clop clop]
Student a: Halt! Who goes there?
Kim: My name is Kim, daughter of Dr. Gary Possible, from the House of Possible. Defeater of the Villains, captain of the Cheerleaders, and Medieval Club president!
Student b: You've got to be kidding me.
Kim: I am...and this is my trusty assistant Herbert. We have traveled the length and breadth of the school in search of people who will join me in my Medieval club. I must speak with the leader of your group.
Student a: What? Traveled?
Kim: Yes!
Student a: You're using coconuts!
Kim: What?
Student #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
Kim: So? We have traveled since the bell signaled the beginning of the lunch period, through the quad, through--
Student a: Where'd you get the coconuts?
Kim: We found them.
Student a: Found them? In Middleton? The coconut's tropical!
Kim: What do you mean?
Student a: Well, this is a temperate zone. It snows here. Do you really think you could get a coconut here?
Kim: Swallows may fly south in winter, and yet don't we see them here?
Student a: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
Kim: Not at all. They could be carried.
Student a: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
Kim: It could grip it by the husk!
Student a: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
Kim: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your leader that Kim from the Medieval Club is here?
Student a: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
Kim: Please!
Student a: Am I right?
Kim: I'm not interested!
Student b: It could be carried by an African swallow!
Student a: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not an American swallow. That's my point.
Student b: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
Kim: Will you ask your leader if he wants to join my Medieval Club?!
Student a: But then of course a-- African swallows don't migrate.
Student b: Oh, yeah...
Student a: So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
Kim: [yells to Students] You know what? I got them at the supermarket! Get a life!
[clop clop clop as Kim and Herbert "ride off"]
Student b: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?
Student a: No, they'd have to have it on a string.
Student b: Well, simple! They'd just use a willow branch or something!
Student a: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
Student b: Well, why not?
****************************
Scene 2 ***The scene begins with two students fighting, one dressed in black, and one in green.
[Kim music – important-sounding music]
[music stops]
Black-dressed Kid: Aaaagh!
[Kim music]
[music stops]
Black-dressed Kid: Aaagh!
Green-dressed Kid: Ooh!
[Kim music]
[music stops]
[clonk]
Black-dressed Kid: Aagh!
Green-dressed Kid: Oh!
[Kim music]
Ooh!
[music stops]
Black-dressed Kid: Aaaagh!
[clang]
Black-dressed Kid and Green-dressed Kid: Agh!, oh!, etc.
Green-dressed Kid: Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah!
[woosh]
[Black-dressed Kid knocks Green-dressed Kid out]
[thud]
[scrape]
Black-dressed Kid: Umm!
[clop clop clop]
Kim: You're pretty strong. [pause] I'm Kim, the Medieval Club President. [pause] I'm looking for some people to join my new club. [pause] You look like the type that would enjoy it. Will you join me? [pause] Oh, well. Nevermind. Come on, Herbert.
Black-dressed Kid: None shall pass.
Kim: What?
Black-dressed Kid: None shall pass.
Kim: I don't have any argument with you, but I must get into this hallway.
Black-dressed Kid: Then I'm gonna have to get rough.
Kim: You want rough? I can give you rough! Don't make me get rough! Now let me in!
Black-dressed Kid: I move for no Man.
Kim: I'm not a man, in case you haven't noticed!
Black-dressed Kid: Fine, then. I move for no one.
Kim: Better!
Kim and Black-dressed Kid: Aaah!, hiyaah!, etc.
[Kim gives Black-dressed Kid a black eye.]
Kim: Now stand aside.
Black-dressed Kid: It's nothing.
Kim: Nothing? Your eye's starting to bleed!
Black-dressed Kid: No, it isn't.
Kim: Well, what's that, then?
Black-dressed Kid: I've had worse.
Kim: You liar!
Black-dressed Kid: Come on, you wussie! [punch] Huyah! [punch] Hiyaah! [punch] Aaaaaaaah!
[Kim gives the Black-dressed Kid another black eye.]
Kim: Yes!
[starts to walk by]
Black-dressed Kid: [grabs her] Hah!
[throws punches blindly]
Come on, then.
Kim: What?
Black-dressed Kid: Let's go! [throws punches blindly]
Kim: You are brave, or maybe stupid, but I have won.
Black-dressed Kid: Oh, had enough, eh?
Kim: Look, you idiot. You can't see.
Black-dressed Kid: Yes, I can.
Kim: Look!
Black-dressed Kid: Nothing. [more blind punches]
Kim: Look, stop that.
Black-dressed Kid: Chicken! [more blind punches. . .you know] Chickennn!
Kim: Look, I can do worse. [blind punch almost connects with Kim's face.] Right! [whop] [Kim takes the Black-dressed Kid down to the floor.]
Black-dressed Kid: [his face is starting to bleed] Right. I'll do you for that!
Kim: You'll what?
Black-dressed Kid: Come here!
Kim: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
Black-dressed Kid: I'm unstoppable!
Kim: You're a looney.
Black-dressed Kid: I always win! Let's go! Come on, then.
[whop] [Kim takes the Black-dressed Kid down to the floor again.]
Black-dressed Kid: Ooh. All right, we'll call it a draw.
Kim: Come, Herbert.
Black-dressed Kid: Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You wussies! Come back here and take what's coming to you...!
****************************
Scene 3
***Kim and Herbert walk out to the field, where a group of students clamor around their leader as members of the FMA (Future Monks of America) do their daily chanting.
Monks: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. [thwack] Pie Iesu domine,... [thwack] ...dona eis requiem. [thwack] Pie Iesu domine,... [thwack] ...dona eis requiem.
Students: A Witch! A Witch! [Monks thwack] A Witch! A Witch!
Monks: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine...
Students: A Witch! A Witch! A Witch! A Witch! We've found a Witch! A Witch! A Witch! A Witch! A Witch! We've got a Witch! A Witch! A Witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! We've found a Witch! We've found a Witch! A Witch! A Witch! A Witch!
Student #1: We have found a Witch. May we burn her?
Students: Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her!
Blaine: How do you know she is a Witch?
Student #2: She looks like one.
Students: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
Blaine: Bring her forward.
Girl: I'm not a Witch. I'm not a Witch.
Blaine: Uh, but you are dressed as one.
Girl: They dressed me up like this.
Students: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...
Girl: And this isn't my nose. It's a fake one.
Blaine: Well?
Student #1: Well, we did do the nose.
Blaine: The nose?
Student #1: And the hat, but she is a Witch!
Student #2: Yeah!
Students: We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!
Blaine: Did you dress her up like this?
Student #1 No!
Students #2 and #3: No. No.
Student #2: No.
Student #1: No.
Students #2 and #3: No.
Student #1: Yes.
Student #2: Yes.
Student #1: Yes. Yeah, a bit.
Student #3: A bit.
Students #1 and #2: A bit.
Student #3: A bit.
Student #1: She has got a wart.
[Random cough]
Blaine: What makes you think she is a Witch?
Student #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
Blaine: A newt?
Student #3: I got better.
Student #2: Burn her anyway!
Student #1: Burn!
Students: Burn her! Burn! Burn her!...
Blaine: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! I saw this in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. There are ways of telling whether she is a Witch.
Student #1: Are there?
Student #2: Ah?
Student #1: What are they?
Students: Tell us! Tell us!...
Blaine: Tell me. What do you do with Witches?
Student #2: Burn!
Student #1: Burn!
Students: Burn! Burn them up! Burn!...
Blaine: And what do you burn apart from Witches?
Student #1: More Witches!
Student #3: Shh!
Student #2: Wood!
Blaine: So, why do Witches burn?
[pause]
Student #3: B--... 'cause they're made of... wood?
Blaine: Ok, fine! Heh heh.
Students: Oh, yeah. Oh.
Blaine: So, how do you tell whether she is made of wood?
Student #1: Build a house out of her.
Blaine: Can't you build houses made of stone?
Student #1: Oh, yeah.
Random: Oh, yeah. True. Uhh...
Blaine: Does wood sink in water?
Student #1: No. No.
Student #2: No, it floats! It floats!
Student #1: Throw her into the pool!
Students: The pool! Throw her into the pool!
Blaine: What also floats in water?
Student #1: Bread!
Student #2: Apples!
Student #3: Uh, very small rocks!
Student #1: Soda!
Student #2: Uh, gra-- gravy!
Student #1: Cherries!
Student #2: Mud!
Student #3: Cars! Cars!
Student #2: Lead! Lead!
Kim: A duck!
Students: Oooh.
Blaine: Exactly. So, logically...
Student #1: If... she... weighs... the same as a duck,... she's made of wood.
Blaine: And therefore?
Student #2: A Witch!
Student #1: A Witch!
Students: A Witch! A Witch!...
Student #4: [Hands over a rubber ducky] Here - use this duck.
Blaine: Let's use the science wing's biggest scales.
Students: [as everyone heads to the science wing, Kim following] Ohh! Ohh! Burn the Witch! Burn the Witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Ahh! Ahh...
***Inside the science wing, the students set the girl on one scale, and the rubber duck on the other.
Blaine: Right. Here we go!
Students: [noticing that they both weigh the same] A Witch! A Witch! A Witch!
Girl: It's a fair cop.
Student #3: Burn her!
Students: Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn! Burn!...
***The Students leave with the girl.
Blaine: Who are you who knows so much?
Kim: I am Kim, Captain of the Cheerleaders.
Blaine: Wow, it's so awesome to meet you.
Kim: What was all that about? That was a little odd.
Blaine: They're freshmen. They think what they want, and the best thing to do is give them what they want. I just hope they won't actually try to burn the poor girl.
Kim: Anyway, will you come with me and join me in the Medieval Club?
Blaine: Me? Wow! Yeah!
Kim: What is your name?
Blaine: 'Blaine.'
Kim: Then I dub you 'Sir Blaine, Knight of the Medieval Club'. Let's go. My friends Ron and Monique will be joining us soon.
****************************
Narrative Interlude
Madelynne: The wise Sir Blaine was the first to join Kim's Club, but others followed: Sir Ron the Brave, Lady Monique the Stylin', Lady Kailee the-somewhat-ditzy, and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-Story. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries, or at least in the yearbook: the Medieval Club of Middleton High.