Chapter 4: The Tale of Sir Ron, or, Cheerleaders Who Need a Life

Mewberries: Thanks for the review. And yes, I will continue. Here's the next chapter.

Scene 9

[trumpets]

Madelynne: The Tale of Sir Ron.

***Ron stumbles through a horrific rainstorm, until he comes to the girls' locker room. He sees something that looks like the Edi Lorka.

[boom] [wind] [howl] [howl] [boom] [angels singing] [howl] [boom] [howl] [boom] [pound pound pound]

Ron: Open the door! Open the door! [pound pound pound] In the name of all that is good in Sweden, open the door!

[squeak] [thump] [squeak] [boom]

Girls: Hello!

Tara : Hi! Welcome to Cheerleader Central

Ron: Cheerleader Central?

Tara: Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!

Ron: You are the keepers of the Edi Lorka?

Tara: The what?

Ron: The Lorka. It is here.

Tara: Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Caitlyn! Emily!

Caitlyn and Emily: Yes, Tara?

Tara: Prepare a bed for our Guest.

Caitlyn and Emily: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!...

Tara: Away! Away! The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.

Ron: Well, look, I-- I, uh-- You have beds in the girls' locker room?

Tara: What is your name, Handsome?

Ron: 'Sir Ron... the Chick Magnet.'

Tara: Mine is Tara. Just Tara. Oh, but come.

Ron: Look, please! In the name of Davy Crockett's sweat-stained buckskins, show me the Lorka!

Tara: Oh, you've been through a lot. You're delirious.

Ron: No, look. I have seen it! It is here in this--

Tara: Sir Ron! You would not be so mean as to refuse our hospitality.

Ron: Well, I-- I, uh--

Tara: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but twenty young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and seventeen-and-a-half. Oooh. It is a lonely life: practicing, doing our hair, and running around in short skirts. We are just not used to handsome guys. No. No. Come. Come. You may lie here. [noticing that Ron is hurt] Oh, but you're hurt! {AN: Wow. What direction. Thank you Captain Obvious!}

Ron: No, no. It's-- it's nothing.

Tara: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please! Lie down. [clap clap]

Allysin: Well, what seems to be the trouble?

Ron: They're doctors?!

Tara: Uh, they have a basic medical training, yes. They've taken a CPR class.

Ron: B-- but--

Tara: Oh, come. Come. You must try to rest. Doctor Allysin! Doctor Sarah! Practice your art.

Sarah: Try to relax.

Ron: Are you sure this is absolutely necessary?

Allysin: We must examine you.

Ron: There's nothing wrong with me!

Allysin: Please. We are doctors.

Ron: Look! I can't do this! I have to go!

Allysin: Back to your bed! At once!

Ron: Don't mess with my head!. I have seen the Lorka!

Allysin: There's no Lorka here.

Ron: I have seen it! I have seen it! [clank] I have seen—[Ron has stumbled into the room just before the showers. Don't worry, they're all clothed.]

Girls: Hello.

Ron: Oh.

Girls: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

Ron: Tara!

Dara: No, I am Tara's identical twin sister, Dara.

Ron: Oh, well, excuse me, I--

Dara: Where are you going?

Ron: I'm looking for the Lorka! I have seen it, here in this locker room!

Dara: Oh, no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Tara!

Ron: Well, what is it?

Dara: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Tara! She has been turning our outside lights on, and I have just remembered, one of them is Lorka-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.

Ron: It's not the real Lorka?

Dara: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Tara! She is a bad person and must pay the penalty. Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when Madelynne was writing it, but now, we're glad. It's better than some of the previous scenes, I think.

Drakken: At least ours was written better.

Black-Dressed Kid: At least mine had better action.

Old Man: Get on with it.

Patsy the Weird guy: Yes, get on with it!

Army of Students: Yes, get on with it!

Dara: Oh, I am enjoying this scene.

Wade: Get on with it!

Dara: [sigh] Oh, wicked, wicked Tara. Oh, she is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty, and here in Cheerleader Central, we have but one punishment for turning the Lorka-shaped light on: challenge her in a pillow fight.

Girls: A pillow fight! A pillow fight!

Dara: You must fight her well, and after you have fought her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, fight me.

Melody: And me.

Lauren: And me.

Kate: And me.

Dara: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good pillow fight!

Girls: A pillow fight! A pillow fight! There is going to be a pillow fight tonight!

Dara: And after the fighting, the making out.

Girls: The making out! The making out!

Ron: Well, I could stay a bit longer.

***Monique runs into the room.

Monique: Ron!

Ron: Oh, hello.

Monique: Quick!

Ron: What?

Monique: Quick!

Ron: Why?

Monique: You are in great peril!

Dara: No he isn't.

Monique: Silence, foul temptress!

Ron: You know, she's got a point.

Monique: Come on! I'll cover your escape!

Ron: Look, I'm fine!

Monique: Come on!

Girls: Sir Ron!

Ron: No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

Dara: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

Girls: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

Monique: No, Ron. Come on!

Ron: No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily.

Dara: Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily.

Girls: Yes. Let him handle us easily.

Monique: No. Quick! Quick!

Ron: Please! I can defeat them! There's only a twenty of them!

Dara: Yes, yes! He will beat us easily! We haven't a chance.

Girls: We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily...

[boom]

Dara: Oh, crap.

Monique: We were in the nick of time. You were in great danger.

Ron: I don't think I was.

Monique: Yes, you were. You were in terrible danger.

Ron: Look, let me go back in there and face the danger.

Monique: No, it's too dangerous.

Ron: As Kim's sidekick, I've been in more danger than that. I could have handled them.

Monique: No, we've got to find the Edi Lorka. Come on!

Ron: Oh, let me have just a little bit of danger?

Monique: No. It's unhealthy.

Ron: I bet you're jealous. You can't get a guy to save your life.

Monique: No, I'm not.

****************************

Narrative Interlude

Madelynne: Lady Monique had saved Sir Ron from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Lorka. Meanwhile, Kim and Sir Blaine, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallows' flights away-- four, really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging--

Students: Get on with it!

Madelynne: Oh, anyway. On to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Kim discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a starling-- oooh! That's gonna leave a mark. All right, who's the wise guy that thinks he can thump the author and not end up dying slowly and painfully? Don't worry, I'll find out.