Chapter 8: Patsy the Weird Guy and The Adorable Bunny of Death, or, Madelynne loves Canada!
And lo, Mewberries reviewed once more, and there was much rejoicing! (Yay!) And if there be anyone among you who has not yet reviewed, let him/her show him/herself lest there be much weeping and gnashing of teeth...
Scene 18 ***Kim and Co. come upon a guy who is dancing around dippily launching model rockets using a lighter and making boom noises while doing so.
[Kim music]
[clop clop clop]
[music stops]
[boom]
Knights: Eh. Oh. See it? Oh. Oh.
Kim: Knights and Ladies! Forward! [boom boom boom boom boom] [whoosh] [boom boom boom boom] What the heck are you doing?
Patsy the Weird guy: I... am a weird guy.
Kim: I think that's a given. What's your name?
Patsy: There are some who call me... 'Patsy'
Kim: What an odd name. Greetings, Patsy the Weird guy.
Patsy: Greetings, Kim Possible!
Kim: You know my name?
Patsy: I do. Everyone knows your name [zoosh] You seek the Edi Lorka!
Kim: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Patsy.
Patsy: Quite. [pweeng boom]
[Kim and Knights applaud a particularly spectacular launch]
Kailee: Oh.
Kim: Yes, we're-- we're looking for the Edi Lorka. Our quest is to find the Edi Lorka.
Knights: Yeah. Yes. It is. It is. Yeah. Yup. Yup. Hm. Mm.
Kim: And so we're-- we're-- we're looking for it.
Blaine: Yes, we are.
Monique: Yeah.
Kailee: We are. We are.
Blaine: We have been for some time.
Kailee: Ages.
Blaine: Umhm.
Kim: Uh-- uh, so, uh, anything that you could do to, uh-- to help... would be... very... helpful.
Monique: Look, can you tell us where--
[boom]
Kim: Fine. Um, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but, uh, I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um-- find a, uh-- a, um-- a, uh--
Patsy: A what...?
Kim: A l-- a-- a l-- a lo-- a-- a lor--
Patsy: A Lorka?!
Kim: Yes, I think so.
Kailee: Y-- y-- yes.
Kim: Yes.
Monique: Yup.
Knights: That's it...
Patsy: Yes!
Kailee: Oh.
Kim: Oh. Thank you.
Kailee: Ahh.
Monique: Oh. Fine.
Kim: Thank you.
Kailee: Great!.
Knights: Aah...
[boom pweeng boom boom]
Kim: Look, um, you're a busy guy, uh--
Patsy: Yes, I can help you find the Edi Lorka.
Knights: Oh, thank you. Oh...
Patsy: At the base of Mount Middleton there lies a cave-- the cave of Karcarat-- wherein, carved in mystic word-like thingies upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged... [boom] ...make plain the last resting place of the Edi Lorka.
Kim: Where could we find this cave, O Patsy?
Patsy: Follow. But! Follow only if you have souls of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no one has been able to fight with it and live! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights and ladies, if you doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth. [makes weird claw with his hand and puts it at his mouth to give the appearance of long pointy teeth, making weird noises while doing so.]
Kim: [to the Knights] What an eccentric performance.
****************************
Scene 19 ***Kim & Co. ride with Patsy to Mount Middleton.
[clop clop clop]
Various Knights' assistants: [whinny whinny]
Monique: They're nervous, Sire.
Kim: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount! ***Kim and Co. get off their "horses."
Patsy: Behold the cave of Karcarat!
Kim: Right! Cover me.
Monique: What with?
Kim: W-- just cover me.
Patsy: Too late!
[dramatic chord]
Kim: What?
Patsy: There he is!
Kim: Where?
Patsy: There!
Kim: What, behind the cute little bunny?
Patsy: It *is* the [mocks Kim's tone] cute little bunny.
Kim: You fool!
Patsy: What?
Kim: You got us all worked up for nothing!
Patsy: Well, that's no ordinary bunny!
Kim: Ohh.
Patsy: That's the foulest, cruelest, and most bad-tempered animal you'll ever set eyes on!
Kailee: You idiot! I almost wet myself I was so scared!
Patsy: Look, that Bunny's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!
Monique: Go walk in traffic!
Patsy: He'll mess you up good, mate.
Monique: Oh, yeah?
Patsy: I'm warning you!
Kailee: What's it do, nibble your ankles?
Patsy: He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
Kim: Go on, Jake. Chop his head off!
Jake: Right! Silly little bleeder. One Bunny stew comin' right up!
Patsy: Look!
***The Bunny goes straight for Jake's jugular vein [squeak]
Jake: [falls down dead] Aaaugh!
[dramatic chord] [clunk]
Kim: Oh crap!
Patsy: I warned you!
Kailee: I think I did it this time!
Patsy: I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them--
Kim: Oh, shut up!
Patsy: Do they listen to me?
Kim: Right!
Patsy: Oh, no...
Knights: Charge! [squeak squeak squeak] Aaaaugh!, Aaaugh!, etc.
Kim: Run away! Run away!
Knights: Run away! Run away!...
Patsy: Ha ha ha ha! Ha haw haw! Ha! Ha ha!
Kim: Right. How Many did we lose?
Ron: Trent.
Monique: Nathan.
Kim: And Jake. That's five.
Monique: Three, Kim.
Kim: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault. That Bunny's dynamite.
Patsy: Told you so. Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a cute harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same.
Kailee: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
Kim: Oh, shut up and go and change.
Monique: Let's taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.
Kim: Like what?
Monique: Well... uh, I don't know.
Ron: Have we got bows?
Kim: No.
Ron: We have the hand grenade.
Kim: Yes, of course! The hand grenade Wade gave me! Get the Future Monks of America! I've got them holding on to it.
Monks: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
Kim: How does it, um-- how does it work?
Ron: How are we supposed to know, KP?
Kim: Consult the Kimmunicator! We'll call Wade.
Wade: Hey, Kim.
Kim: We need help. How does the hand grenade work?
Wade: Well, actually, I didn't make the hand grenade. I got it from someone in Canada. Let me call up his site. [starts reading] "And when I finished making it, I raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this hand grenade that I have made, that, with it, I mayest blow mine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--"
Kim: Skip a bit, Wade.
Wade: [continues reading] Oh! Here we go! "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy hand grenade towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it."
Kim: Whoa. Dumber than advertised! {AN: Yes, I swiped that line too. This time from Animaniacs. Don't have an aneurysm!}
Knights: Those darn Canadians! {AN: Don't flame me, Canadians! I love Canada! David James Elliott is Canadian, and he is a hottie! I love Canada! Say it with me: Madelynne loves Canada, Madelynne loves Canada . . .}
Kim: Right! One!... Two!... Five!
Monique: Three, Kim!
Kim: Three!
[angels sing] [boom]
****************************
Scene 20 ***Now that the adorable Bunny of Death [what a contradiction of terms!] is, well . . . dead, Kim and Co. head into the Cave. There is some unintelligible writing on the wall.
Patsy: Told you so. I distinctly remember saying something about that.
Madelynne: Shut up.
Kim: There! Look!
Ron: What does it say?
Monique: What language is that?
Kim: Wade! You're a genius. [Kim points the Kimmunicator at the wall]
Wade: It's Gibberish!
Monique: Of course! James of Gibber!
Ron: 'Course!
Patsy: What happened to Olfin Bedwere of Rheged!
Madelynne: I *said* shut up! This isn't your scene! Go home! You're finished for the story.
Kim: What does it say?
Wade: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of James of Gibber. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Edi Lorka in the Castle of aaaaaagggh'.
Patsy: What?! These are supposed to be the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged carved in mystic word-like thingies upon the very living rock!
Madelynne: Ugh! Does he ever shut up?
Kim: He didn't when we were taking on the Bunny. Check the scene we just did!
Madelynne: You're right.
Kim: What?
Wade: '...The Castle of aaaaaagggh'.
Blaine: What is that?
Wade: He must have died while carving it.
Ron: Oh, come on!
Wade: Well, that's what it says.
Kim: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaaaaggh'. He'd just say it!
Wade: Well, that's what's carved in the rock!
Monique: Perhaps he was dictating.
Kim: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?
Wade: No. Just, 'aaaaaagggh'.
Ron: Aaaauugggh.
Kim: Aaaaaggh.
Blaine: Do you suppose he meant The Hague?
Monique: Where's that?
Blaine: France, I think.
Ron: Isn't there a 'Saint Aaauuves' in Cornwall?
Kim: No, that's 'Saint Ives'.
Ron: No, that's a lotion brand my mom uses. Saint Iiiiives.
Knights: Iiiiives.
Blaine: Oooohoohohooo!
Ron: No, no. 'Aaaauugggh', at the back of the throat. Aaauugh.
Blaine: N-- no. No, no, no, no. 'Oooooooh', in surprise and alarm.
Ron: Oh, you mean sort of a 'aaaah'!
Blaine: Yes, but I-- aaaaaah!
Kim: Oooh!
Monique: Aack!
[dramatic chord] [roar]
Wade: It's the legendary Black Beast of Aaauugh!
Blaine: That's it! That's it!
Kim: Run away!
Knights: Run away! [roar] Run away! Run awaaay! Run awaaaaay! [roar] Keep running! [boom] [roar] Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!...
Blaine: We've lost him.
[roar]
Knights: Aagh!
Madelynne: As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Kim and her Knights seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the Animator suffered a fatal heart attack.
Animator: Ulk! [falls to floor]
[thump]
Madelynne: The cartoon peril was no more. The quest for the Edi Lorka could continue. Meanwhile, I gotta hire an animator who doesn't inhale Quarter Pounders by the truckload . . . darn animator!
***************
AN: Only two chapters to go! However, they shall be rather short...only one scene each. Oh well...review away!