Disclaimer: I've decided to write my life's story instead of a disclaimer
this time. I was born in a little village south of Moscow, were I proceeded
to work my way across the boarder selling life insurance. But of course no
one realized that there was no life insurance in southern Moscow, and I'm
actually writing a loud of crap that not even true and you're not even
going to bother to read. So... What's the point?
Hyper Guyver: Hello again, Hyper Guyver here, I am here once again to bring you another interview. Today's guest is the oldest character of Diablo... Deckard Cain.
Cain: Stay a while and listen.
Hyper Guyver: So Cain, lets get started. The first question everyone's been dying to know is... Just how old are you?
Cain: oh, that's very simple, I'm thirty.
Hyper Guyver:... thirty?
Cain: yep.
Hyper Guyver: B-but you look like you're a thousand years old!
Cain: That's what you get when you spend too much time in the sun.
Hyper Guyver: Okay, I know your lying. How old are you really?!
Cain: Thirty...
Hyper Guyver: Damn it! What's the point of telling people your thirty? I mean... wait... What's with the sports jacket?
Cain: Nothing... Just something I picked out...
Hyper Guyver: Aaaaalright... Hey, did you get your hair colored?
Cain: Yeah, about that...
Hyper Guyver: and... is that a hair piece?!
Cain: (Rubs head) Oh, heh, heh, so it is...
Hyper Guyver: What the hell is going on?! Wait a minute... Is that a Porsche in the drive way?!!!
Cain: Yeah, got if for my birthday.
Hyper Guyver: Porsche, hair piece, sports jacket, hair coloring, saying your thirty... OH MY GOD! YOU'RE HAVING A MID-LIFE CRISIS!
Cain:... Shit.
Hyper Guyver: All right, now how old are you really?
Cian: Thirty...
Hyper Guyver: -_-
Cain: Thrity... thousand... four Hundred, sixty two... and a half.
Hyper Guyver: Now were getting somewhere. So what have you seen in your thirty thousand years of life?
Cain: This and that.
Hyper Guyver: Care to be a little more specific?
Cain: Uh... I once saw Anderial take her top off for beads at a Marti Grah back in 89B.C.
Hyper Guyver: Interesting...
Cain: Then there was the time at Diablo Fest, when Diablo bit the head of a live Death Lord.
Hyper Guyver:...
Cain: Then, there was this one time, when I was at a bachelor party and I saw Akara stripping. This was back in the day when she was DAMN FINE! Mmmm... Could she shake it or what...
Hyper Guyver: Ooookay, that's really interesting in all, but all of those things could just as easily be found in "Demons Gone Wild 4".
Cain: Hey, I have that one!
Hyper Guyver: Right... Hey wait a minute...
Cain: ?
Hyper Guyver: Something's not right... I... I sense a disturbance in the force... It can only be...
Mudy: Hey Hyper Guyver!
Gabe: S'up bitch! How's it hangin?
Hyper Guyver: (grumbles) I knew it was too good to be true...
Cain: Wait, I know you two! You tried to set my cat on fire on some sort of Alter of Darkness!
Gabe: uh, oh...
Mudy: Well, we can explain...
Cain: TIME FOR TALK IS OVER! THIS IS FOR MR. SKITTLES! (Cain creates a massive fire bolt in his hand and incinerates Gabe and Mudy)
A/N: That one was for you YO-MAN.
Hyper Guyver: WOW! How did you do that?!
Cain: I used to live L.A.
Hyper Guyver: Hmmm... Makes sense.
Hyper Guyver: you have no idea, how long I've been trying to get rid of those two freaks, I mean-
(ZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Mudy&Gabe: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hyper Guyver: No... they wouldn't... they couldn't... they... THEY BROUGHT YOU BACK?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mudy: Didn't you hear? Gabe and me have joined the world wide Tyreal fan club!
Gabe: Yep, lifetime membership! And when they mean life time they mean LIFETIME.
Hyper Guyver: (Begins to cry) I was so close... So very close...
Cain: Say, how many members are in this world wide fan club?
Gabe: Uh, just us...
Mudy: Yeah, so now were on the side of the light.
Gabe: Yep...
Hyper Guyver: So... No more death and killing and satanic stuff?
Mudy: Oh, there defiantly going to be no more satanic stuff.
Gabe: yeah, but we're not so sure about the killing.
Hyper Guyver: Huh?
Mudy: Well, there still are all those heathens out there that must be brought to the light.
Hyper Guyver: Why do I suddenly feel like I know where this is going...
Gabe: Yes, the "Purification" of the TRUE believers.
Hyper Guyver: (Grumbles) I hate it when I'm right.
(Gabe and Mudy switch into white ropes and hold torches)
Mudy: We must now purify the land.
Cain: Hmmm... You know, those ropes remind me of something?
Hyper Guyver: Religious extremists?
Cain: Well actually they sort of did. The guys that were chasing me and a couple of my buddies a while back did have flaming crosses.
Hyper Guyver:...
Cain: In fact, they were all completely covered, head to toe in white bed sheets.
Hyper Guyver: Uh, Cain, these guys; did there name by any chance start with a "K"
Cain: Well, actually yeah, they did. I think it was KKR... KTK... or something. I forget.
Hyper Guyver: O_O
Cain: Anyways, they were chasing us for some reason, I can't quite remember. I think they just really like Halloween or something, because they even got their horse covered in bed sheets as well.
Hyper Guyver: Riiiiiiight.
Gabe: Well any way, we must be off. There's a lot of purifying to be done.
Hyper Guyver: WAIT! Hold on a second. (Scribble something down on a piece of paper)
Hyper Guyver: Here, take this, and go straight to where it leads.
Mudy: Okay... Well, so long.
(Gabe and Mudy finally leave)
Cain: So what was on that paper?
Hyper Guyver: Just directions to a place where two nut job religious fanatics will be happy, and hopefully out of my hair for the rest of their lives.
Cain: Where?
Hyper Guyver: Jerry Farewell's house.
Cain: Ah, wisdom my boy, your using the wisdom.
Hyper Guyver: Yeah, what ever. Say, something still wrong...
Cain: what now?
Hyper Guyver: Something else usually happens right now, but I can't quite put my finger on it...
(Paladin burst in)
Paladin: DADDY!
Cain: Shit.
Hyper Guyver: Daddy?
(Paladin hugs Cain)
Paladin: Daddy I missed you so much!
Cain: (Gasp) what ever...
Hyper Guyver: Cain, the Paladins your son?!
Cain: Unfortunately
Paladin: Yeah I his son! Can't you see the resemblance?
Hyper Guyver: Other than the fact that your both black. Not really.
Paladin: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!
Hyper Guyver: Well for one thing, Cain is wise and all knowing, while you're a complete imbecile.
Paladin: Oh, right...
Cain: (looks at his new Rolex) Oh, look at the time I better get going.
Paladin: OOOOh, daddy can I please drive the Porsche? PPPPPPLLLLLLEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEE?
Cain: No! Now shut your trap and get in!
(Paladin and Cain drive off)
Hyper Guyver: Well, I really didn't see that coming... Well coming up next, I interview... (Shuffles through papers) ALL RIGHT! THE AMAZON! OH YEAH! Well, until next time good day and good night.
Paladin: Daddy can I ppppplllllleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeee drive the Porsche?
Cain: NO! (Smacks Paladin upside the head)
Hyper Guyver: Hello again, Hyper Guyver here, I am here once again to bring you another interview. Today's guest is the oldest character of Diablo... Deckard Cain.
Cain: Stay a while and listen.
Hyper Guyver: So Cain, lets get started. The first question everyone's been dying to know is... Just how old are you?
Cain: oh, that's very simple, I'm thirty.
Hyper Guyver:... thirty?
Cain: yep.
Hyper Guyver: B-but you look like you're a thousand years old!
Cain: That's what you get when you spend too much time in the sun.
Hyper Guyver: Okay, I know your lying. How old are you really?!
Cain: Thirty...
Hyper Guyver: Damn it! What's the point of telling people your thirty? I mean... wait... What's with the sports jacket?
Cain: Nothing... Just something I picked out...
Hyper Guyver: Aaaaalright... Hey, did you get your hair colored?
Cain: Yeah, about that...
Hyper Guyver: and... is that a hair piece?!
Cain: (Rubs head) Oh, heh, heh, so it is...
Hyper Guyver: What the hell is going on?! Wait a minute... Is that a Porsche in the drive way?!!!
Cain: Yeah, got if for my birthday.
Hyper Guyver: Porsche, hair piece, sports jacket, hair coloring, saying your thirty... OH MY GOD! YOU'RE HAVING A MID-LIFE CRISIS!
Cain:... Shit.
Hyper Guyver: All right, now how old are you really?
Cian: Thirty...
Hyper Guyver: -_-
Cain: Thrity... thousand... four Hundred, sixty two... and a half.
Hyper Guyver: Now were getting somewhere. So what have you seen in your thirty thousand years of life?
Cain: This and that.
Hyper Guyver: Care to be a little more specific?
Cain: Uh... I once saw Anderial take her top off for beads at a Marti Grah back in 89B.C.
Hyper Guyver: Interesting...
Cain: Then there was the time at Diablo Fest, when Diablo bit the head of a live Death Lord.
Hyper Guyver:...
Cain: Then, there was this one time, when I was at a bachelor party and I saw Akara stripping. This was back in the day when she was DAMN FINE! Mmmm... Could she shake it or what...
Hyper Guyver: Ooookay, that's really interesting in all, but all of those things could just as easily be found in "Demons Gone Wild 4".
Cain: Hey, I have that one!
Hyper Guyver: Right... Hey wait a minute...
Cain: ?
Hyper Guyver: Something's not right... I... I sense a disturbance in the force... It can only be...
Mudy: Hey Hyper Guyver!
Gabe: S'up bitch! How's it hangin?
Hyper Guyver: (grumbles) I knew it was too good to be true...
Cain: Wait, I know you two! You tried to set my cat on fire on some sort of Alter of Darkness!
Gabe: uh, oh...
Mudy: Well, we can explain...
Cain: TIME FOR TALK IS OVER! THIS IS FOR MR. SKITTLES! (Cain creates a massive fire bolt in his hand and incinerates Gabe and Mudy)
A/N: That one was for you YO-MAN.
Hyper Guyver: WOW! How did you do that?!
Cain: I used to live L.A.
Hyper Guyver: Hmmm... Makes sense.
Hyper Guyver: you have no idea, how long I've been trying to get rid of those two freaks, I mean-
(ZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Mudy&Gabe: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hyper Guyver: No... they wouldn't... they couldn't... they... THEY BROUGHT YOU BACK?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mudy: Didn't you hear? Gabe and me have joined the world wide Tyreal fan club!
Gabe: Yep, lifetime membership! And when they mean life time they mean LIFETIME.
Hyper Guyver: (Begins to cry) I was so close... So very close...
Cain: Say, how many members are in this world wide fan club?
Gabe: Uh, just us...
Mudy: Yeah, so now were on the side of the light.
Gabe: Yep...
Hyper Guyver: So... No more death and killing and satanic stuff?
Mudy: Oh, there defiantly going to be no more satanic stuff.
Gabe: yeah, but we're not so sure about the killing.
Hyper Guyver: Huh?
Mudy: Well, there still are all those heathens out there that must be brought to the light.
Hyper Guyver: Why do I suddenly feel like I know where this is going...
Gabe: Yes, the "Purification" of the TRUE believers.
Hyper Guyver: (Grumbles) I hate it when I'm right.
(Gabe and Mudy switch into white ropes and hold torches)
Mudy: We must now purify the land.
Cain: Hmmm... You know, those ropes remind me of something?
Hyper Guyver: Religious extremists?
Cain: Well actually they sort of did. The guys that were chasing me and a couple of my buddies a while back did have flaming crosses.
Hyper Guyver:...
Cain: In fact, they were all completely covered, head to toe in white bed sheets.
Hyper Guyver: Uh, Cain, these guys; did there name by any chance start with a "K"
Cain: Well, actually yeah, they did. I think it was KKR... KTK... or something. I forget.
Hyper Guyver: O_O
Cain: Anyways, they were chasing us for some reason, I can't quite remember. I think they just really like Halloween or something, because they even got their horse covered in bed sheets as well.
Hyper Guyver: Riiiiiiight.
Gabe: Well any way, we must be off. There's a lot of purifying to be done.
Hyper Guyver: WAIT! Hold on a second. (Scribble something down on a piece of paper)
Hyper Guyver: Here, take this, and go straight to where it leads.
Mudy: Okay... Well, so long.
(Gabe and Mudy finally leave)
Cain: So what was on that paper?
Hyper Guyver: Just directions to a place where two nut job religious fanatics will be happy, and hopefully out of my hair for the rest of their lives.
Cain: Where?
Hyper Guyver: Jerry Farewell's house.
Cain: Ah, wisdom my boy, your using the wisdom.
Hyper Guyver: Yeah, what ever. Say, something still wrong...
Cain: what now?
Hyper Guyver: Something else usually happens right now, but I can't quite put my finger on it...
(Paladin burst in)
Paladin: DADDY!
Cain: Shit.
Hyper Guyver: Daddy?
(Paladin hugs Cain)
Paladin: Daddy I missed you so much!
Cain: (Gasp) what ever...
Hyper Guyver: Cain, the Paladins your son?!
Cain: Unfortunately
Paladin: Yeah I his son! Can't you see the resemblance?
Hyper Guyver: Other than the fact that your both black. Not really.
Paladin: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!
Hyper Guyver: Well for one thing, Cain is wise and all knowing, while you're a complete imbecile.
Paladin: Oh, right...
Cain: (looks at his new Rolex) Oh, look at the time I better get going.
Paladin: OOOOh, daddy can I please drive the Porsche? PPPPPPLLLLLLEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEE?
Cain: No! Now shut your trap and get in!
(Paladin and Cain drive off)
Hyper Guyver: Well, I really didn't see that coming... Well coming up next, I interview... (Shuffles through papers) ALL RIGHT! THE AMAZON! OH YEAH! Well, until next time good day and good night.
Paladin: Daddy can I ppppplllllleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeee drive the Porsche?
Cain: NO! (Smacks Paladin upside the head)