"I could give you the happily ever after. I love you, querido," I murmur
gently.
"Did you just say you loved me?" Skids twists in my arms and looks up at me. Oh. Holy. Jesus. I did say that. I'm sure my face reflects the horror I'm feeling because he pulls away a bit. My eyes fall shut and I drop my head to hide from his gaze.
"Yes. Yes I did."
A gentle hand clasps my chin and lifts my head. I can't help but open my eyes to meet his. His face is about a foot from mine. He's so close. But his expression is intense.
"Do you mean it?" He asks.
I'm blushing furiously now. What the hell did he want me to say? Of course I mean it. All he has to do is look at me and he can see that I mean it. Why did he want me to say it? But he keeps waiting.
"Yes," I say softly. I look at him for a reaction. He's lit up like a Christmas tree. The smile on his face just shines and his eyes glow.
"I love you too, Cya," he says. My heart stops. He does? "You're just like a brother to me." Well, now my heart is no longer alive. I feel that I can't stop myself from saying that I really love him.
"No, Skids," I tell him from still in his grasp. "I mean that I really love you. As in not just a friend or a brother."
He looks confused for a second before he realizes what I mean. He frowns and the light dims. "But.you're the hetero one.I thought you liked girls."
"Well, you do too," I point out.
"But I love Harley." He says.
"It doesn't matter how you feel, I just had to tell you," I say quietly.
Skids lets go of my chin and doesn't say anything. Great. I knew this confession would fuck up our friendship. I should never have said anything. I couldn't stand the growing silence and stood up to pound on the door some more. The damn thing had to start moving sometime. If only I hadn't left my god damn cell phone at home. We might have already been rescued by now.
But no. Instead, I had to sit in this fucking thing and spill my heart to the one person who could crush it. Now he knew everything and it had totally fucked up our friendship. He was probably never going to be able to look at me the same way again. My pounding grew incessantly louder and harder. I added some kicking and swearing into the mix as well. I went to the control panel again and smashed it with my fist, wincing as I broke plastic and some chunks sunk into my knuckles. But I was beyond caring. Perhaps a little physical pain might stop the emotional pain that was tearing me apart.
I throw my shoulder into the door, attempting to jar it open. My shoulder is now in pain, but I try again. I hear my shoulder grind to a crunching sound. Now it's agony simply letting it hang let alone doing anything else with it. Why was I such an idiot?! My eyes water with the pain now, but I slam it into the door again.
"Cy, stop!!" Skids shouts. I can barely hear him through the rage I'm feeling. I make to throw myself at the door again when a pair of strong arms wrap around me and pull me to the ground. "I said stop, Cya!" Skids says harshly in my ear.
The pain my body and heart are feeling compounded with Skids holding me is too much and the tears that were welling earlier begin falling. I can't stop them and I begin to sob. I try to keep them silent and my body shakes from the effort. Skids tightens his arms around me, pulling me further into his embrace. I can't seem to stop crying, but Skids makes no move to let me go, so I just cry.
Eventually, I have no more tears and I quiet. My breathing is still a bit ragged and my body trembles slightly. But I think it might be from the pain it's in. My shoulder is numb and blood is still oozing from my hand. But I can't bring myself to care.
"Why were you doing that, Cya?" Skids whispers to me. He sounds really worried and confused.
"Why do you think, Skids?" I say, deflated; there is no fight left in me.
"Well, maybe, for some reason, you think that you telling me that was going to change something between us." Skids ventures. "But it hasn't."
"But I wanted something to change between us, Skids. I wanted you to be more than a friend in my life." I say imploringly.
Skids doesn't respond and I sink into silence as well. I don't think I could be any more heartbroken. I can practically see the pieces lying in shards at my side.
"When you were venting on the elevator, I was thinking. I thought about the time before I said I was in love with Harley." I stiffen slightly in his arms. I do not want to talk about that. "I realized that before I found out that Harley had a crush on me in high school, I wasn't in love with him. I was in love with someone else."
"I don't think I could handle hearing about anyone else." I mutter.
"Just listen to me, Cya." Skids says. "Before, I was in love with you."
My brain stops thinking. He couldn't have said that. He's just toying with me. He's already said that he loves me like a brother. How could there be anything other than that?
"And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I never stopped." His voice trails into a small whisper.
"Are you enjoying yourself?" I say bitterly. "I could just rip my heart out so you could destroy it that way. It would be a hell of a lot easier and hurt less."
I feel Skids wince at my words. But I really don't care. It's the god damned truth.
"I have not once lied to you, Cya," Skids says. "What makes you think I would start now?"
"I bare my feelings to you." My indignation is growing and it starts to turn into anger again. "I lay them out before you and you say to my face that you're in love with Harley. Not five minutes later you're telling me that you're in love with me. Are your feelings that fickle? You can jump from one of us to another that quickly? I'm glad you shot me down now instead of tearing my heart out later."
Skids says nothing. The silence stretches for a few moments until I feel something wet drop onto my shirt. Oh no way. Please. Skids can't be crying. It would break me even further. Especially with the knowledge that I am the one to have caused them. It was followed by another one.
"I'm sorry," Skids whispers brokenly. "I understand how it would seem that way. I gave up hope that you would ever love me back because you kept saying that you were the 'hetero one.' Harley loves Mik and would never love me that way, and now you hate me. So I have no one anymore."
Hate? I cringe. He thinks I hate him? No! That's wrong. Never hate. I could never hate him. Not after everything we've been through. Then the memories come. I remember when we first got to high school. He was afraid of the hazing and chose me to protect him. He saved me first when Harley and I got hazed. No matter what, he always comes over to my house to hang out. He only lets me draw his marker tattoos on him. All those other times he's done nothing special, but because he was with me, they were the best times of my life.
I feel Skids begin crying harder. I can't stand it anymore and twist awkwardly in his arms to sling my good arm around him in a half-hug.
"Sh. Don't cry. Please don't cry," I whisper to him. His arms tighten around me and he buries his face in my shoulder. I wince slightly because he's chosen my bad shoulder, but I say nothing about it. "I don't hate you. I'm sorry. I was just angry and didn't mean any of that. I love you."
Skids cries harder now. Aw damn. I clasp him closer to me and rock him gently, a habit I picked up from comforting my sisters when they were young. His tears don't stop though.
"Hush, sh.please." I plead quietly. I know he doesn't really hear me though. I wish he could. I turn my face and press a kiss into his hair. I continue holding him and let him cry.
He starts to quiet down and I take the opportunity to lift his face from my shoulder and wipe his tear-stained cheeks with the back of my hand. His eyes widen as he sees it. Damn. I forgot about that. It was still bloody from when I punched the control panel of the elevator.
"Cya.your hand." Skids says, wide-eyed.
"Well, it doesn't hurt half as bad as my shoulder does." I try to say jovially.
Skids gasps. "Oh no! Did you hurt it?"
"Uh.it's probably just.dislocated," I mutter, trying not to sound as if it was a big deal.
"But that's bad!" Skids says. "Which one is it?"
"My left one," I say, ashamed.
"We need to get you to a hospital!" Skids exclaims. "It needs to be fixed."
"Skids, we're still stuck in the elevator," I point out. "We can't go anywhere."
"You need to sit," Skids orders me. "Don't move. I'll get us out!"
How was he going to do that? I wasn't able to do it. But I stay on the floor for him while he goes to the door of the elevator. He gives it a couple of good poundings before frowning at his fist.
"That door's strong," he says. He looks over to me and sighs. He looks up to the ceiling and pauses. I follow his eyes and see the hatch for maintenance. "I could climb up the elevator shaft." Skids says as if he's forgotten I'm there with him.
"No!" I shout. "That's dangerous. You might fall."
"But we need to get you out of here, Cya," Skids says. "I don't know any other way."
Before I could protest again, Skids takes a jump towards the ceiling. He knocks the hatch from its position and it moves away. He smiles victoriously and takes another jump. This time he grabs a hold of the edge and struggles to pull himself up and through the hole. I get up and, with my good arm, give his feet a push. He makes it through and looks back in at me.
"I'll be back soon, Cya, I promise," He says.
"Be careful," I call as he disappears. I hear the clanging of his shoes on the metal ladder as he climbs up the shaft. I sigh heavily and sit back down in a corner. His echoing steps fade away as he gets further up. I feel tired now. Really tired. My body hurts, my emotions have drained. And I have nothing to do until Skids gets back. It's so quiet in the car that I notice I'm dozing, but don't care enough to wake up.
"Did you just say you loved me?" Skids twists in my arms and looks up at me. Oh. Holy. Jesus. I did say that. I'm sure my face reflects the horror I'm feeling because he pulls away a bit. My eyes fall shut and I drop my head to hide from his gaze.
"Yes. Yes I did."
A gentle hand clasps my chin and lifts my head. I can't help but open my eyes to meet his. His face is about a foot from mine. He's so close. But his expression is intense.
"Do you mean it?" He asks.
I'm blushing furiously now. What the hell did he want me to say? Of course I mean it. All he has to do is look at me and he can see that I mean it. Why did he want me to say it? But he keeps waiting.
"Yes," I say softly. I look at him for a reaction. He's lit up like a Christmas tree. The smile on his face just shines and his eyes glow.
"I love you too, Cya," he says. My heart stops. He does? "You're just like a brother to me." Well, now my heart is no longer alive. I feel that I can't stop myself from saying that I really love him.
"No, Skids," I tell him from still in his grasp. "I mean that I really love you. As in not just a friend or a brother."
He looks confused for a second before he realizes what I mean. He frowns and the light dims. "But.you're the hetero one.I thought you liked girls."
"Well, you do too," I point out.
"But I love Harley." He says.
"It doesn't matter how you feel, I just had to tell you," I say quietly.
Skids lets go of my chin and doesn't say anything. Great. I knew this confession would fuck up our friendship. I should never have said anything. I couldn't stand the growing silence and stood up to pound on the door some more. The damn thing had to start moving sometime. If only I hadn't left my god damn cell phone at home. We might have already been rescued by now.
But no. Instead, I had to sit in this fucking thing and spill my heart to the one person who could crush it. Now he knew everything and it had totally fucked up our friendship. He was probably never going to be able to look at me the same way again. My pounding grew incessantly louder and harder. I added some kicking and swearing into the mix as well. I went to the control panel again and smashed it with my fist, wincing as I broke plastic and some chunks sunk into my knuckles. But I was beyond caring. Perhaps a little physical pain might stop the emotional pain that was tearing me apart.
I throw my shoulder into the door, attempting to jar it open. My shoulder is now in pain, but I try again. I hear my shoulder grind to a crunching sound. Now it's agony simply letting it hang let alone doing anything else with it. Why was I such an idiot?! My eyes water with the pain now, but I slam it into the door again.
"Cy, stop!!" Skids shouts. I can barely hear him through the rage I'm feeling. I make to throw myself at the door again when a pair of strong arms wrap around me and pull me to the ground. "I said stop, Cya!" Skids says harshly in my ear.
The pain my body and heart are feeling compounded with Skids holding me is too much and the tears that were welling earlier begin falling. I can't stop them and I begin to sob. I try to keep them silent and my body shakes from the effort. Skids tightens his arms around me, pulling me further into his embrace. I can't seem to stop crying, but Skids makes no move to let me go, so I just cry.
Eventually, I have no more tears and I quiet. My breathing is still a bit ragged and my body trembles slightly. But I think it might be from the pain it's in. My shoulder is numb and blood is still oozing from my hand. But I can't bring myself to care.
"Why were you doing that, Cya?" Skids whispers to me. He sounds really worried and confused.
"Why do you think, Skids?" I say, deflated; there is no fight left in me.
"Well, maybe, for some reason, you think that you telling me that was going to change something between us." Skids ventures. "But it hasn't."
"But I wanted something to change between us, Skids. I wanted you to be more than a friend in my life." I say imploringly.
Skids doesn't respond and I sink into silence as well. I don't think I could be any more heartbroken. I can practically see the pieces lying in shards at my side.
"When you were venting on the elevator, I was thinking. I thought about the time before I said I was in love with Harley." I stiffen slightly in his arms. I do not want to talk about that. "I realized that before I found out that Harley had a crush on me in high school, I wasn't in love with him. I was in love with someone else."
"I don't think I could handle hearing about anyone else." I mutter.
"Just listen to me, Cya." Skids says. "Before, I was in love with you."
My brain stops thinking. He couldn't have said that. He's just toying with me. He's already said that he loves me like a brother. How could there be anything other than that?
"And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I never stopped." His voice trails into a small whisper.
"Are you enjoying yourself?" I say bitterly. "I could just rip my heart out so you could destroy it that way. It would be a hell of a lot easier and hurt less."
I feel Skids wince at my words. But I really don't care. It's the god damned truth.
"I have not once lied to you, Cya," Skids says. "What makes you think I would start now?"
"I bare my feelings to you." My indignation is growing and it starts to turn into anger again. "I lay them out before you and you say to my face that you're in love with Harley. Not five minutes later you're telling me that you're in love with me. Are your feelings that fickle? You can jump from one of us to another that quickly? I'm glad you shot me down now instead of tearing my heart out later."
Skids says nothing. The silence stretches for a few moments until I feel something wet drop onto my shirt. Oh no way. Please. Skids can't be crying. It would break me even further. Especially with the knowledge that I am the one to have caused them. It was followed by another one.
"I'm sorry," Skids whispers brokenly. "I understand how it would seem that way. I gave up hope that you would ever love me back because you kept saying that you were the 'hetero one.' Harley loves Mik and would never love me that way, and now you hate me. So I have no one anymore."
Hate? I cringe. He thinks I hate him? No! That's wrong. Never hate. I could never hate him. Not after everything we've been through. Then the memories come. I remember when we first got to high school. He was afraid of the hazing and chose me to protect him. He saved me first when Harley and I got hazed. No matter what, he always comes over to my house to hang out. He only lets me draw his marker tattoos on him. All those other times he's done nothing special, but because he was with me, they were the best times of my life.
I feel Skids begin crying harder. I can't stand it anymore and twist awkwardly in his arms to sling my good arm around him in a half-hug.
"Sh. Don't cry. Please don't cry," I whisper to him. His arms tighten around me and he buries his face in my shoulder. I wince slightly because he's chosen my bad shoulder, but I say nothing about it. "I don't hate you. I'm sorry. I was just angry and didn't mean any of that. I love you."
Skids cries harder now. Aw damn. I clasp him closer to me and rock him gently, a habit I picked up from comforting my sisters when they were young. His tears don't stop though.
"Hush, sh.please." I plead quietly. I know he doesn't really hear me though. I wish he could. I turn my face and press a kiss into his hair. I continue holding him and let him cry.
He starts to quiet down and I take the opportunity to lift his face from my shoulder and wipe his tear-stained cheeks with the back of my hand. His eyes widen as he sees it. Damn. I forgot about that. It was still bloody from when I punched the control panel of the elevator.
"Cya.your hand." Skids says, wide-eyed.
"Well, it doesn't hurt half as bad as my shoulder does." I try to say jovially.
Skids gasps. "Oh no! Did you hurt it?"
"Uh.it's probably just.dislocated," I mutter, trying not to sound as if it was a big deal.
"But that's bad!" Skids says. "Which one is it?"
"My left one," I say, ashamed.
"We need to get you to a hospital!" Skids exclaims. "It needs to be fixed."
"Skids, we're still stuck in the elevator," I point out. "We can't go anywhere."
"You need to sit," Skids orders me. "Don't move. I'll get us out!"
How was he going to do that? I wasn't able to do it. But I stay on the floor for him while he goes to the door of the elevator. He gives it a couple of good poundings before frowning at his fist.
"That door's strong," he says. He looks over to me and sighs. He looks up to the ceiling and pauses. I follow his eyes and see the hatch for maintenance. "I could climb up the elevator shaft." Skids says as if he's forgotten I'm there with him.
"No!" I shout. "That's dangerous. You might fall."
"But we need to get you out of here, Cya," Skids says. "I don't know any other way."
Before I could protest again, Skids takes a jump towards the ceiling. He knocks the hatch from its position and it moves away. He smiles victoriously and takes another jump. This time he grabs a hold of the edge and struggles to pull himself up and through the hole. I get up and, with my good arm, give his feet a push. He makes it through and looks back in at me.
"I'll be back soon, Cya, I promise," He says.
"Be careful," I call as he disappears. I hear the clanging of his shoes on the metal ladder as he climbs up the shaft. I sigh heavily and sit back down in a corner. His echoing steps fade away as he gets further up. I feel tired now. Really tired. My body hurts, my emotions have drained. And I have nothing to do until Skids gets back. It's so quiet in the car that I notice I'm dozing, but don't care enough to wake up.