Of Goblin Queens
Disclaimer: The Labyrinth is not mine. Although I invented several characters for this story, they aren't mine. In fact, you can take them far, far away. Any resemblance to an actual invented character is purely (believe me) coincidental. Reviews are nice and sparkly and appreciated.
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They were only waiting for the bride.
The chef was grumbling in the kitchen that the wedding feast would be burnt soon if the ceremony did not start. The goblins, always restless, were beginning to forget the careful instructions of how to act and when to chant. A chicken was pecking at the ground unconcernedly.
The groom himself waited in the oak grove, his face placid as he stood beneath blossom-laden branches. Only a small twitch as he clenched and unclenched his jaw provided any clues to the vast uneasiness lurking behind the smooth facade of the Goblin King.
He wore cream, a color that turned his skin to ashy paleness and heightened the circles of worry under his eyes. Faint wrinkles, barely perceptible, crinkled at the corners of his eyes as he peered down the processional, searching for his wife-to-be.
The courtiers of the Labyrinth, flanked by goblin guards, waited in absolute silence. They sensed with court-honed instincts that the curious absence of the bride marked an important occasion that might even surpass that of their liege's nuptials.
A squat dwarf scurried up the aisle urgently, head darting from side to side nervously as the attendants' greedy eyes sought him with interest. Jareth tapped his foot impatiently; Hoggle ran faster. When he reached the Goblin King's side he was surprised by Jareth's courtesy in crouching down to listen.
Hoggle whispered three words into Jareth's ear.
Jareth's face flushed red, an ugly mottled color that stood out against his immaculate pale regalia. It darkened to an almost-violet, and the messenger began to worry about his lord's health.
"This is true?"
In contrast with his face, Jareth's voice held a silken menace that perfectly expressed what would happen if even one syllable was incorrect.
Faced with the rising storm of anger, Hoggle gulped. "Yes, your majesty."
"Very well," Jareth said, straightening. He disappeared.
The assistant to the king let out his breath, exhaling loudly into the expectant silence. Upon noticing the hungry gazes of the onlookers, he realized the danger of standing directly in the path of poisonously curious courtiers.
"Excuse me," Hoggle mumbled, and ran away before they could catch him.
_-_-_
"I wanted to believe it," the woman was explaining to the Goblin King.
"We all did," Jareth said coldly.
"It just seemed so real!" she exclaimed, nervously smoothing and resmoothing her crystalline spun-sugar confection of a wedding dress, exquisitely shaped to human specifications. The tailors had spent the morning re-dying it after she had demanded it be pink instead of white at the eleventh hour. "Every time I'd ever felt lost, or alone...all those strange things that happened to me...and then I found you..."
She trained sorrowful eyes on the man she had thought she would have married by now, and tilted her cheek expectantly for a kiss. The Goblin King made no move to cross the distance.
"Jareth!" she exclaimed. "So cold, to me?"
"I see no reason to continue with the planned events, given the circumstances."
His voice was frigid.
"It was just a little mistake, that's all," she said brightly into the gaping, heavy silence. "Who knew there wasn't a long-lost princess betrothed to the Goblin King and an unbreakable contract sealing it?"
Jareth raised his eyebrows. "Who knew, indeed."
"There must be some explanation," she continued determinedly. "I must be half-Fae and the daughter of your father's dearest friend, sent Above to hide me from his enemies and protect me until you could."
Her eyes brightened. "I know! I'm a latent magical talent, a rare one, born to Earth to complete some great task! That would explain it!" Satisfied, she crossed her arms. "But it doesn't matter anyway, because we love each other and are going to marry and have twenty kids with sunset-crimson hair and dual-colored eyes. Right, honey?"
"We will do nothing, I'm afraid," Jareth said, twirling a crystal in his hands. "You, however..."
She ducked, but the crystal had already hit her. The displaced air rushed into the vacant space where she had stood with a satisfying crackling noise.
Somewhere far away, a goblin mewled as it was dumped into the Bog of Eternal Stench.
Finally, Jareth allowed himself to relax. A smile spread over his face as he contemplated the empty dressing room.
"Sarah?" he said into the void.
She appeared in an eyeblink, smugly looking him up and down.
"I believe I'm growing tired of this game," he said as his clothes shimmered into less elaborate garments.
"She was lovely," Sarah said, barely containing a smile. "What was she? Princess Stardust?"
"The Dream Princess, actually," Jareth said in reply, slumping into the frilly pink chair provided for his former fiancee.
"Do you believe me yet?"
"Maybe," the Goblin King said, but it was clear from his attitude of defeat that he was at least partially convinced. "After the first or second, I wasn't sure. But six? And Ellis told me that there's at least twenty more waiting for their chance. She seemed so promising, too."
"I'm sure she did," Sarah said with satisfaction.
He shrugged awkwardly, swallowed by the glaringly bright velvet upholstery. Lace drooped in heavy swags from the top of the chair, resting gently on his head as he leaned back.
Sarah snickered, and Jareth gave her a wounded look in return.
She stepped forward and lifted the lace from his hair carefully. When she was done, she lingered for a moment next to him, her hand still resting against his hair.
He grasped her hand as she sought to withdraw. As she looked at their entwined fingers for a moment, her expression softened. Jareth's smirk, his perpetual default expression, began to lazily curl his lips.
He was the Goblin King. He couldn't help it.
But Sarah could. The moment she saw his face she yanked her arm away and retreated. Hands on her hips, she glared at him.
"Don't think you can play your little tricks on me. There will be none of that."
"Darling," Jareth pleaded. His voice dropped to a low whisper. "Ellis told me that there's a woman out there who says she is half-elf, half-faerie."
For a moment, Sarah looked interested. "Really?"
"Yes," he said, his voice cracking piteously. "Don't leave me here with them."
Sarah considered this. Jareth straightened hopefully.
"Which half?"
He pouted, and it was Sarah's turn to smirk with a twist of her mouth that could have come directly from the Goblin King's lips.
In a way, it had.
"I mean," Sarah continued, "how does that work? Does she have the pointed ears and the wings? Or does she bite and prance around?"
Jareth sulked. "You're only saying that because Grandmother Aliadronluthnimcewen was an elf."
"I admit to being very curious," she said,ignoring the muffled groan that came from the chair as Jareth smacked his forehead against its plush side--only to be enveloped in padding. He reemerged after a struggle, glaring at the side cushion indignantly.
A knock sounded at the door.
Hoggle's voice came from the other side of the door. "Begging your pardon, your Majesty," he said apologetically.
"Come in," Jareth said, twisted awkwardly in his seat. Sarah watched, her eyes glinting with unconcealed amusement.
Jareth, facing away from the door, didn't see Hoggle push open the doors and enter. The advisor's hurried footsteps, more rapid than usual, caught the attention of both occupants of the room. Sarah looked up and nodded.
Jareth stood up, brushing his jacket down. Sarah resisted the urge to remove the pink lint from the high collar of his blue jacket. Instead, she waited.
Jareth froze, staring just beyond Hoggle. A feminine giggle drifted through the air. Slowly, he looked down at himself, takin in his now-violet jacket, snug black silk shirt and uncomfortably tight leather pants. He raised a faltering hand to his ear, tracing the outline of a stud earring with an expression of dismay.
"Not again," he said with feeling, but it was already too late.
"Jareth! It's me, Kaili'yninyninynin! You know, the daughter of the Faerie Queen."
Behind Hoggle, he saw her. So did Sarah, but Kaili'yninyninynin's gaze passed through her as if she didn't exist.
Kaili'yninyninynin almost had it right.
Kaili'yninyninynin had pointed elf ears that gracefully parted a river of night-black, rippling, floor-length hair. Her eyes were pools of royal violet that exactly matched the shade of Jareth's jacket. Tiny wings like spun lace fluttered behind her perfectly-formed shoulders. She had very large breasts.
She gazed at Jareth with a combination of adoration and soon-to-be-requited love.
Sarah and Hoggle waited expectantly. Both wondered why Kaili'yninyninynin didn't topple over from the sheer weight of such enormous breasts on an otherwise underweight body.
"It's not fair," Jareth said. For all of the Goblin King's poise and elegance, the sentence came out as a distinctive whine.
Kaili'yninyninynin frowned, puzzled.
"My mother died two months ago," she said, apropos of nothing. A delicate tear trickled down her cheek, glinting in the soft candlelight. "She was my only mother."
Sarah stared accusingly at the suddenly-banked fire.
The Goblin King's eyes glazed as he followed Kaili'yninyninynin from the room, murmuring his condolences to the plucky and spunky heiress to the Elven and Faerie thrones.
When the two had left, Hoggle turned to Sarah.
"How much longer will you do this?"
She gave the empty doorway a speculative look. "I think this might be the last one. I'll give him a few hours with this one before I let you break her spell over him."
Hoggle narrowed his eyes, not fooled. "And then?"
Sarah smiled maliciously. "Then he'll find the misunderstood shapeshifter who wished herself to the Goblin King to escape her schoolfriends." She paused, clearly relishing her words. "Perhaps in his private chambers."
Hoggle grinned.
Sarah sat down in the chair. Looking into the mirror, she smoothed a few stray wisps of hair back into place. "That'll teach him to avoid referring to 'high-strung Aboveground women' again, I think."
She waved a careless hand. The chamber sighed in relief as the ridiculous fripperies melted away, revealing an elegant sitting room.
The murmur of enchanted violins drifted down the corridor. "That'll be the big welcome dance with the dramatic reunion and tender love declarations. I'm needed," Hoggle said apologetically.
She nodded. "Be careful she keeps her hands off him until I'm ready to send her back myself. I think I'll deal with her personally."
"As soon as you can would be nice," Hoggle grumbled good-naturedly, making his way to the door. "Though I'll miss his Majesty drifting around like a love-struck goblin, waiting hand and foot on all those horrible girls." He winked conspiratorially and left, shutting the door behind him.
Sarah continued to arrange her hair for a minute before sitting back. She extended her hand, squinting in concentration until a crystal appeared in her palm. Another squint and it expanded and disappeared, leaving a distended goblin mask behind.
"Goblin Queens," she said, shaking her head. She slipped on the mask and secured the ribbons tightly.
Her curved pendant shone in the light as she left the room.
"Half-faerie?" she murmured to herself. The tapestries lining the corridor laughed merrily with her all the way to the elaborate double doors of the ballroom.
She paused in the entranceway to watch Jareth twirling around the ballroom, clutching Kaili'yninyninynin tightly. Love surrounded the two in a tangible, golden aura. Something was clearly About To Happen.
"This has gone far enough," Sarah said sharply. The music stopped; the dancers and Hoggle turned to face her in relief. Only Jareth and Kailiynin remained dancing, oblivious.
"That's your cue, I believe," Sarah said, crossing to the waltzing couple and tapping Kaili'yninyninynin on her shapely shoulder.
"Huh?" uttered Kaili'yninyninynin with elegant grace. "Who are you? Are you my uncle's arch-Wizard Manymanniman, sent to assassinate me before I can join the Elven and Faerie kingdoms as the prophecy said by the three High Queens over me at birth stated?"
She sprang away, adopting the fighting stance of the eastern elven masters, the rare warriors who appeared once every six generations at times of great evil and certainly never trained women. "I will banish you with my magic! When the powers of elf and faerie combine, no one can hope to defeat me in single magical combat!"
Beside her Jareth blinked as if trying to remember something important. Sarah ignored him, turning the full force of her disdain on the petite girl. She noticed, to her annoyance, that the tiny wings fluttered just enough for the girl to hover an inch off the ground.
A giant white sphere shot through with hot pink sparks was forming in the half-elf, half-faerie's hand. "Face me, Manymannniman!" she shrieked in dulcet tones. "You killed my mother and now I will have my revenge!"
Sarah sighed. "Go away."
And with a whimper of surprise, Kaili'yninyninynin ceased to exist. Her face lingered, her flashing violet eyes filling with lambent tears. As the assembled court watched, the eyes faded away, closing slowly in poignant acceptance before vanishing.
Jareth stepped forward, his shirt, jacket and leather pants having reverted to their original fabric and color. He ground the earring beneath his boot heel viciously before looking up, schooling his features at once into a more remorseful cast.
"Forgive me, my love?" he said tentatively, examining the available exits discreetly.
Sarah considered as she examined her nails. "Perhaps."
Jareth sighed and dropped to his knees dramatically. "I was an absolute idiot to suggest that my intelligent, talented, and stunningly gorgeous Aboveground wife was in any way high-maintenance."
"Of course."
"And as I now know that, clearly there is no reason to continue to allow these women into the Labyrinth."
She paused, then nodded. The court, including its King, looked visibly relieved.
"I accept your apology, darling," Sarah said, and allowed him to stand up and kiss her thoroughly.
"I am retiring to my chambers for the evening," Jareth whispered seductively into her ear."Perhaps you could join me?"
She smiled beguilingly.
With a smirk, he disappeared.
A high-pitched girlish shriek echoed throughout the castle castle a few moments later.
Hoggle looked at Sarah, who shrugged. "Oops," she said, her penitent tone ruined by her smile. "Missed one."
Jareth reappeared, flustered. His jacket had not returned with him and the shirt that hung off him in tatters had clearly seen better days. His hair was even more extravagantly ruffled than usual, and there were smears of wine-colored lipstick on his aristocratic nose.
"You...you..." he sputtered, reaching for Sarah.
"Jarykins?" a voice said from outside, approaching the ballroom. "What do I do now? You promised me that if I ever ran away from my Evil Stepfather who was trying to marry me off that you'd be my guardian and protector..."
In the midst of her sudden fit of giggles, Sarah caught sight of the malicious look on Jareth's face. She turned to face him just in time to see a crystal form in his hand. Her eyes widened. "The gardens tomorrow, Hoggle?" she said quickly before vanishing.
Jareth snapped his fingers and followed with a wicked smile. Mingled laughter sounded in the castle hallways on the other side of the ballroom. There was a faint lusty moan, some scuffling, then silence.
The courtiers looked at Hoggle, who shrugged. "At least they remembered they could teleport this time."
Glittering masks nodded in enthusiastic agreement.
"Jarykins! Yoohoo!"
A tall, busty blonde entered the ballroom, her lipstick attractively smudged. A pearlescent unicorn horn flickered in and out of existence on her forehead as she looked around.
"Now where did he go?" she asked, her lower lip beginning to tremble. Her mismatched eyes were garnet and emerald and striking against her glowing alabaster skin. "He promised me..."
Hoggle sighed and pasted a helpful smile on his face as he approached her. Just outside the ballroom, he discreetly took his sprayer from his belt.
One puff, and it was done.
"Never stops," Hoggle said tiredly, nudging rapidly-dissolving radiant golden tresses with his boot. He refastened the sprayer and began the long trudge back to the Labyrinth entrance.
He was needed.
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Author's postscript: Hopefully, you've figured out this was a parody. This is just in case you haven't. No faerie-mermaid-vampiress hybrids were harmed in the writing of this story.